Letter to Norway

I am well. I have made a good start now to my essay. Just getting ideas onto paper before then redrafting hopefully tonight and tomorrow to then send it off by latest midnight. Really it needs to be in by midday. Realised YET AGAIN how much angst I get into when it's essay tiem and how this angst distorts my views on everything. I get frustrated and I seem to have to place it somewhere and this time it was FA and recovery generally that seemed to get the anger from me. Thankfully I didn't relapse and managed to keep the basics going.
I am feelling pressured by my sponsor to get to meetings but it's me that feels pressured because I am making a choice currently to keep my time for studying. I known what she says I would say though - meetings are vitally important and without them recovery slips and without recovery I'm in the food and crazy! What  realise is that she is not pressurising me at all, she is merely suggesting even though it sounds like it's what she wants me to do. Therefore, I know its me that feels pressurised for not doing what would make her happy with me. Glad to take responsibility for myself and if she doesn't want to sponsor me or gets cross or frustrated with me that's for her to feel and deal with. She can tell me but she doesn't. Yes happy to see this.
I have not yet established what this means to me in terms of study versus meetings, as my studying is important. It's cost a lot of money and a big investment of time and to be honest blood sweat tears too. So I'm unsure at this time how best to manage it. I am making a choice right now and therfore can expect my recovery to be a bit nore shaky. However, I do the basics with God in my life and hold firm that there is always a way through so long as I DO NOT pick up food. I got into and out of a relationship without relapsing and learnt masses from it despite being warned that it was potential for relapse and craziness. There were crazy times and close calls but I got through it and stronger as a result.
So I must take responsibility for the risks I put my under - today I feel stronger again and thank God for giving me that strength and carrying me through recent days of what seemed like turmoil and close calls! Thank you God for keeping me abstinent. I am truly grateful

Bliss
XX

Destiny

I would like to share something a tad peculiar but think you'll  understand. It relates to hearing that someone in the rooms, a man I've been really fond of in the meetings, (not in any other way than adoring him for being funny and really quirky and lovely), anyway he died early yesterday morning, It was expected, he had Cancer. The Cancer escalated all very quickly though. I knew he hadn't been expected to live long when someone has been kindly keeping me informed over the past few weeks. This morning I knew he hadn't arrived yet. I felt he is hanging around a bit. I thought that about my dad - not that he was hanging around. I don't think he did that but he hadn't arrived for quite some time. I don't even know where the point of arrival is or what it is. I was telling this man this morning that he is free and needs to go. But he is struggling to let go. I know I sound bonkers. It's like the colours I see. I don't tell anyone any more because it's all in the mind. Odd thing is I sense my dad has been close the last couple of days. My mum pops in and out. I think it's all ways of me reconciling things when I think about it logically.

When you understand, Bliss, that what most people really, really want is simply to feel good about themselves, and when you realize that with just a few well-chosen words you can help virtually anyone on the planet instantly achieve this, you begin to realize just how simple life is, how powerful you are, and that love is the key. 

Fly little bird, 
    The Universe

Angels exist

Today I witnessed a beautiful thing. A lady I've had the honour of knowing have an injection of life into a man who was dying inside. PD today was given the lifeline and I saw him resisting with pride but also accept with honour.
I pray to God that you can remove my jealousy and self-obsession, as I sat and thought "why wasn't I offered that?" And "why am I only the manager." And " surely people can see the lackings???". I want to chop out this way of thinking and stick with the beauty I saw. I hope PD will also hold onto his home as this is an opportunity for him to really grow without the need to be the entrepreneur out on his own. He can be a part of the bigger organisation. It's where he belongs.
Please God help me to see the good in people and nurture rather than condemn. I want to love people and accept them for who they are, to be able to encourage their assets and be a part of their growth not instigate their downfall. Yet I hold this part of me that says but can't you see ...... See what Bliss?, that everyone including YOU Bliss have shortcomings but also great skills and experiences.
I hope that this afternoon I became part of the encouragement and joy and was far away from the negativity within me. Please God remove it in all it's forms. Show me how to be loving, caring and far from my insecurities. In that way jealousy and negative thinking will surely go God willing.

I'm scared to tell my sponsor my thinking because she'll make more judgement on me that I believe I picked up on the other day when I was explaining about PD spin doctoring and she said firmly said, " let him have his dignity!" Why wouldn't i? Well because it misrepresents me and I'm too afraid that on my own I can be of merit. I feel inferior just by being female let alone suddenly having no confidence. God please be with me and show me the way, every single step of it.
Thank you God I know you will.

Bliss
Xx

Hunch trusts

Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body.  I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!

Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am

Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.

Complicated people.

Bliss
XX

ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!

I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.

Assessment v judgement

I'm struggling to decipher between observing someone doing something and judging them. I am witnessing a person who is mentally unwell and asking others to do something that they themselves do not, and will not do. I am seeing someone who cannot make mistakes or fail and so spins a story and makes a situation look another way to convince themselves. I am not convinced. Yet it goes out to the public as if it's the truth and the person begins to believe it too. I think I've a bit of sour grapes there as it demeans my own position in all of the notification to save his dignity. I can give him that. I can be humble.

Bliss
xx

Ego versus laziness or conviction! Go with the flow ......

Well it seems it's for me to work on my niggles and criticisms and judgements with PD and also go ahead with AC. It's all steam ahead for AC.

Or is it ? Please guide me in my decision making process. And there's always layer upon layer to decipher.
What do I need to do to do the best? I want to work with people. I am passionate about working with people and helping them change where they want change.

Here's my decision tool in use again

Dilemma: AC  continues (yipeeee) and second interview with Priory

Date: 4^th August 2014 Decision needed by wed 6^th August 2014

Decision importance – weighty

Indecisiveness level: partisan

Best case scenario

Still to eventually set up own business – but to work for AC and PD with a third person, guaranteed for another year. Earn more money and be grateful for all that’s good. Get degree completed and then get some training organised next year in therapy.

Pipe dream – own business growth really

Worst Case scenario

Continue to be bored, critical, judgemental of PD. Piss the Priory off miss an opportunity

Gut feelings

Stick with PD and AC

Pluses – have lots of freedom and no responsibility other than as a counsellor. Get to do my studying. PD is now offering an increase in January and then again to £30k when he can.

Minuses – I do get bored and I’m not enhancing my counselling skills. I do disagree with PD and his ways and we have different ideas on therapy (but with the same ultimate goal)

Pluses – it’s another year guaranteed and in that time I can continue with my own little practice.

But I wonder whether I could negotiate 4 days per week at £28.5 as offered. Or I can run my private practice at weekends now I won’t be studying. Can I?

Minuses - I am pretty certain PD will want me full time L - maybe negotiable if we take on 3^rd person as a 4 dayer.

Pluses – PD is already aware of desire to go to Singapore next year for 3 to 4 weeks

Minuses – I don’t think there really are many minuses except as already stated my criticism and judgement which I commit to working through. It means being more open in discussion with him.

Gut feelings

Go for the interview in case the money doesn’t come through (only if something happens to B will it not come through.

To be honest I don’t want to work for them

Pluses – after conversation with ET got really positive comments and also to be myself is okay which helped with interview. i.e. my selling abilities are very natural. I am aware that sometimes people are making enquiries and that’s part of my assessment – are they really contemplating but can sew the seed and keep occasional tabs in case they become ready. But also very aware of substance and behavioural addictions – role with their speed but also encourage. Have had success being persuasive where I can see there is an urgency and simply fear.  All that sort of thing.

Minuses – all things I’ve already said – it’s a corporate with no real care for their staff. Might change and even might be able to fight but do I really want to.

Pluses – go for the interview and see how I do.

Minuses – have to then say will think about it and say no – ugh the thought of letting them down that way but that’s the way things roll.

Pluses – yes would be able to develop contacts in my own name but could do that anyway and it’s not my main focus right now.

Minuses – hard work!

Pluses – not so many really – all a bit of ego!!!

Intuitive conclusion – stick with PD at AC and slowly develop self and own thing

Rational conclusion – stick with PD at AC

Decision – stick with PD at AC

Next steps – decide whether to cancel interview or not

Dilemma: Cancel interview or not?

Date 4^th August 2014

Decision needed by am 5^th August 2014

Decision importance: Worthwhile to weighty

Indecisiveness Level: washy

Best case scenario:

Can go along for interview, be offered the job and they will happily understand my decision not to take up the offer. – Not a pipe dream if I handle it appropriately

Worst case scenario:

Don’t get offered the job or they are really pissed off with me and I upset relationships

Apocalypse – yes to latter part of that not to first part – will get over that.

Gut feelings

Cancel interview

Pluses – fair and not wasting time as decision is pretty much made up – just a slight doubt that maybe I’m missing an opportunity.

Minuses – don’t get to find out if I can be good enough – that’s pride and ego

Pluses – well quite simply I do not have to give any more time to the interview prep or time tomorrow much needed for my essay.

Minuses – there aren’t any really. Oh except if B doesn’t wire the money to PD for any reason we are out of money very soon and can’t continue.

Go for interview

Pluses – get to feed my curiosity about the process and if I can do it and come out looking good

Minuses – wastes everyones time for a bit of ego

Intuitive conclusion – money will come through and go with decision to stay with PD so cancel interview ASAP

Rational conclusion – cancel interview as soon as know money is secure

Decision – cancel interview but get help to word how to do this

Tomorrow am

Next steps ask PD to let me know once money is secure. Not that it really matters.

I wonder how many people see me use the word God and are turned off because it has religious connotations. My God is not religious of course. It's spiritual principles, it's universal energy, it's people, it's life courses, it's feeling good by doing what I rally value deep down inside. My real principles!

I'd really love it some days people would read my posts and enter into discussions with me. I love the interaction. It's not a blog though that attracts people just to read life stuff that's going on. I ralise that's actually quite boring.

Hey ho!

Bliss

XX

Indecisive decisiveness

Dilemma: What  to do about work
Date: 3rd August 2014
Decisions needed by: well finally 12th August but a lot is dependent on a number of other people in between time
Decision Importance: Weighty
Indecisiveness level: Wishy and partisan too

Best case scenario:
Have my own business going (ACT - Addiction Counselling and Therapy), working 4 days per week with regular referrals and 4/5 clients per day. Workshops up and running
Pipe dream but not impossible over two years I think

4 day per week employment with PD at AC for the next 2 years and an additional staff member.
Earning more money - unlikely with PD
Not a pipe dream but dependent on PD feeling able to carry on and getting funding.

Worst case scenario:
Out of work and on benefits if even possible these days.
Not apocalypse at all. But not great either in terms of income.

Gut Feelings
Not to work for the P BUT will go for second interview to work towards avoiding worse case scenario
Really this job interview is to go for it should AC not be in existence.

Pluses for working for them:
Could enjoy bringing the team back together.
Minuses of this - takes a lot of energy within a company that does not invest in staff or care for them so would be fighting for resources all the time and needing to justify against very tight budgets.
Pluses - increase in money (if I can negotiate it I would want at least £5k more than I'm on now)
Minuses - wouldn't really have the time to do my private work at all and also would have to see what could be done about time off for studying if start date before the end of my degree. I would want 4 days per week but it is a full time job.
Pluses - I could solidify contacts for referrals when I left.
Minuses - further to travel and would be on call really.
Pluses - nice working environment
Minuses - FC is leaving, team are in deep despair and low morale/motivation.

Gut feelings Stay at Addiction Care - definitely feels best option
Pluses - PD is a good man
Minuses - we think differently on what is support and how to support clients. I described it this morning as being two parents who have different beliefs on how to bring the kids up. I can find ways to compromise and discuss and negotiate with him and not involve the kids. (Plus - growth for me)
Pluses - do have time to do my own business and also don't have the responsibility of managing and being the decision maker merely the contributor (prefer less responsibility in that way)
Minuses - can't see any in connection with that point. Money stays the same though - but can earn a little extra with own business. However, I am not cementing any referral contacts in my own name.
Pluses - if the business grows I know PD would look after me financially
Minuses - It's hard work with PD himself. I get critical and judgmental. His mood swings can affect me and wear away at me. Sometimes I'm okay and when I;m not there it's better. It would be better if there were someone else involved as well
Another minus - it's all up in the air until tomorrow after he's spoken to his funder today.
Pluses - I am realising how grateful I am with all the benefits of this job and how when I see the negatives I am extreme and want out straight away. Grass is always greener. Grateful that I've been shown this Thank you God.

Gut feelings P at Gatwick - would love the therapy learning but it's in the wrong location. Gut instinct - don't go for the interview stop wasting theirs and my time. It's not until 12th August either so .....

Pluses - as I said the opportunity to learn more therapy
Minuses - gut feeling stuff about B and C. Both lovely people but not sure they would be to work for.
Pluses - secondary unit so not dealing with hard core addiction - people moving on and wanting to work deeper.
Minuses - the location - too far to travel and even considering a move is problematic. LouLou is very settled with A and G. They do not charge me and are more like family anyway.

Gut feelings - on benefits and develop own business. SCARY!! Not sure if I can overcome my fear. BUT this is the most favourable option.
Pluses - wouldn't have to travel so far
Minuses - like working with colleagues and this would be very lonely
Pluses - would have time to wok more on studies to completion date
Minuses - little to no income and not able to save for Singapore.
Pluses - could do lots of little jobs in between time
Minuses - not so easy to get lots of little jobs and will take the time I want for setting up etc and still earning low money
Pluses - it's what I want to try and want to believe in myself
Minuses - no minuses to that oh except lacking in self-belief and then think it's a silly idea and how can I make that work.
Pluses - once degree is completed I can spend time on differnt training courses and gain more confidence and develop self in this work (I can do this at AC too)
minuses - loan working and getting workshops up and running with another is still intermittent.
Pluses - I have lots of people support in other ways. It would be great to do this in partnership with someone else to bolster each other and somehow it's not as scary then as being on my own and doing it.
Pluses - I could really promote myself more as an artists model but that's just sort of developing slowly and maybe I need to allow ACT to just develop slowly and get known that way.

Intuition conclusion:
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there next 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If he decides to fold - take redundancy and risk benefits and promote own business.

Rational conclusion;
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there net 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If offered, take the P job as manager. Save, save, save. Develop contacts with a view in 18 months to 2 years to leave and focus on own business - heart sinks as I say this. Still feel as if I'm selling my soul to the devil.

Decision: For today wait and see what PD comes back with and really hope that he wants to go ahead as this is the best option for me. I'm not sure it's the best option for him and his health.
Next step: Get on with essay and see what he says tomorrow. Leave it until then.  And then re-evaluate.

Good plan Bliss!

Bliss :)
xxxx

Thank you God. This little thing was sent along just at the right time.
It has solidified what was really becoming clearer yesterday and all week I've  been praying for clarity

You are a marvel God. :)

Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

Negotiating the sale of my soul to the devil

I have had a real awakening this morning. I DO NOT want to work for the Priory. I can't take back applying for the job in the first place but I have this morning been thankful for the experience because it has revealed to me how easily I will sell my soul to the devil - on a couple of matters as well. 1 is greed, but I am seeing my principles are actually bigger these days than my greed. And for that I am grateful too. 2 Because PD kept on and on to apply even when he was first leaving. I am frustrated with myself that I allowed his voice to infiltrate and oddly its a similar voice to that of my mum and dad - security, corporate, selfish usefulness really. I don't want to put my mum in that last bracket actually - she did her work with passion.
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have  - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.

THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.

My friend suggests the following ....

morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.

There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.

Bliss
x

What do I do best?

I'm doubting therapy. After years of it for myself and now years of working in it, I'm doubting it. We are just people who don't know anything supporting people in the shit! It's all techniques devised from people who have looked into people and the way we are and making assumptions and stuff but know nothing really. I'm fascinated by people and what we do and how we do it. But therapy is just people thinking they can help people. And I can listen and love and just be there for people but I cannot solve things for them. There are techniques to help support trauma and anxiety. Some people prescribe pills, some people prescribe CBT, some people prescribe treatment programmes. But every person is different. For addiction there are different ways individuals find to manage their lives and I sit in all honesty not knowing which is the best way for a person and yet there are psychiatrist and therapist who are very set I. What they think is he right way and then opposing views, neither of which come to any agreement. And I sit in a session with a client listening to them try to keep control and if they can why not? And on,y when they can't and can finally see that they can't will they go to radical lengths of abstinence.
I'm having a bit of a crisis I suppose. Questioning what I do and it's real worth.
It leaves me scared because I also love doing what I do and clients appreciate the time to sit and talk about themselves whilst they seek ways to feel better. The best I can do is listen and probe with them but I have this preconception that ultimately they have to learn how to abstain and then they will need support and then the 12 step fellowship is the support that's best.
What do I know? I do know it's been a miracle for me, turning my life around and continues to do so. I'm not even sure I was an alcoholic and yet I can see how drink and drugs were certainly controlling my life but I think I was f...ked up anyway. How or why is not really clear.
I've become a little worried recently as when shopping I've had some loud and more regular than I've had for the past 2 1/2 years of "fuck it". I even sniffed K's alcohol bottles whilst there just to see if I liked the smell. The rum smelt full of sugar. I could smell alcohol and to be honest didn't particularly like the smell. I didn't want to drink it and I didn't want to feel drunk. I do like the idea of a good bottle of wine.
So if I don't practice in therapy God, what do I do? What is my purpose.? I would really like some guidance. I absolutely trust it will be some clear. I think I'm tired of me and tired of travelling and tired of me in conflict with P. He says and does many wonderful things. He also is very directive and I get so irritated when he shuts down feelings. What is that in me God? I'd like to understand me better I suppose. Perhaps I cannot grow whilst I'm attempting to support growth in others. What do I do now God?
I genuinely want to be helping people out of their troubles. Whatever role can I have within that? I also don't want to be so low on money. And I do not there are poorer people than me. I have so much.
I'm feeling low about the way I keep my surroundings. I'd like it to be very different. Minimalist. Clean. I'd like it all white and floaty curtains. Everything out away in neat compartments and organised. Yet I don't want to get rid of things I have that belonged to my mum. Yet they are not in the right place here. I'd like the carpets all gone and the moths to all depart. It's the same feeling with the moths as there was with the mice. They are ruining things and they have control. I have too much stuff and too little space to clear everything out so that I can do the thorough clean required. I'm lazy about this too.
So God what do I do next? I know You'll show me as and when it's appropriate. I am not bolting. I am continuing to show up. However I just have no ideas. Oh do I go for the Priory job? I know I need to write to Lifeworks and tell them I'm actually no longer interested but what do I say after having expressed interest and chased them up.
What do I say and do next God? I need patience and trust that all will become clear.
Am I just in another I'm bored stage and flipping out? The grass is greener type thing?
I hope not but even if I am perhaps that's just my path.
Who knows what's right and therefore I'm finding it difficult to be I. An environment where it's the thing to advise people what's right for them. I'm too influenced by P and a desire to get people better rather be along side them whilst they find their way to feeling better.

Bliss
Xx

That was wrong of me.

Thank you God I can see.
I'm not clear what to do now so please guide me so that I can do only the bests for other people.

What can I see? My part in the flow of things. It gets clearer and I hope it's clearer for good so long as I keep working away at my spiritual recovery.
Okay what I see is this, my part in the flow of interactions and specifically I will refer to Friday. I hope not to bore in the process as it's connected with dear ol' PD and work. I am a constant critic of PD's style. I think he's directive and shuts people down. It irritates me, sometimes infuriates me and I think because for so long I was shut down and I shut people down and now I am learning that people have their feelings. And yet there I was in this little process not liking his anger. Actually he said "I am fucking furious".
Okay details. We were in group and I had suggested that a peer ask his group what they thought of him. Some people are forthcoming and expressed their thoughts, others need encouragement to share. Whilst those who won't easily share were quiet PD jumped in and started telling the person what they needed to think and feel, which irritates the hell out of me, but also was not encouraging the others to share their considerations of this persons question. And so I interrupted him basically because I was feeling angry with him for not seeing it. I saw his flash of fury and then stay shut down for the rest of the group. After the group when we usually sit down and process, he didn't want to discuss anything. He said right then I have to get on as R is arriving. I was surprised and asked about processing the group to which he said no was there anything I thought needed processing and i said yes loads. He said such as. And I said well you seemed angry, which was the point when he said he was fucking furious. I was immediately shocked at the extent of his fury but also understood. It's great because I also wanted to shut down his anger but didn't entirely. He said he didn't want to talk about there and then so I said okay, and he he went onto to say that I am de-skilling him and  we're working at different levels here and it's not okay. He's right. And I can see how my thoughts and feelings about his style are coming out in my practice. I create a friction between us that the group will pick up on.He is right and was wrong in this action I took. What I need to do is after the group talk about my feelings about interactions. I often feel angry when a client is just expressing their feelings and PD starts telling them what to do. But as my sponsor says I need to focus on the clients reaction to PD and not work against him instead work with what he presents and keep aware of my emotions and how I respond with them. I have been reacting to emotions not fully acknowledging them and instead becoming the protector of the clients emotions. This is great to see.
Now I need to make amends. I will say to PD tomorrow that he was right in what you've picked up and it was wrong of me.
I have to let go of wanting him owning his part in things. I just say my amends and that's it and listen.
And speaking with S, I can be light about it and say, that was wrong of me on Friday and I'm  really sorry.
That was wrong of me and I am sorry. That's all it takes.
An the other area of growth and self-awareness is that I need to start saying during the processing of the groups that I was feeling angry about xxxx, and see what happens.
Oh God thank you for showing me, for opening my eyes more and more

Bliss
XX

Eating the black pot

I write this with trepidation of my honesty.

On Friday evening, I one again attended the meeting to face my "somethings" with certain personalities. I write somethings because I'm not clear on me emotions surrounding these personalities but know that the 12th tradition focuses on principles not personalities. Week after week I've been going along with a view to learning about me with certain personalities. I can see similarities with K & C, they are a couple, and L(ex-Priory, please note the ex bit), PD and my dad. They are rude and abusive and I feel overwhelmed by them, afraid and angry all at the same time. I get confused, not knowing if it's me that's THE problem or them. And I now often think of Gregory Bateson since my friend JdB introduced me to him.

"... the behavior of person X affects person Y, and the reaction of person Y to person X’s behavior will then affect person X’s behavior, which in turn will affect person Y, and so on. Bateson called this the “vicious circle”. He then discerned two models of schismogenesis: symmetrical and complementary. Symmetrical relationships are those in which the two parties are equals, competitors, such as in sports. Complementary relationships feature an unequal balance, such as dominance-submission (parent-child), or exhibitionism-spectatorship (performer-audience)" Wikipedia, accessed 26th May 2014

So, it has been my intention to understand what behaviour I exhibit that affects person Y. Weeks and weeks ago now, a person came along to the meeting and put to the conscience the idea of changing the format. My first little resentment was set in place  but I kept it in check because ..... because it was the gracious thing to do., despite not really feeling the good grace. And so everyone went about drumming up support resulting in K&C coming along and taking over. Literally, they took over, I was insulted when they suggested that there was no one there with any length of sobriety. I said that I had 12 years and they overlooked that and one or the other, K I think said something along the lines of real sobriety, i.e. 20 years or more. It really infuriates me how they think they are so f'ing superior. I find it so ugly. But also because it puts me down. No humility in me either then!! I do laugh at myself. I refer to the idiom "the pot calling kettle black". And so as not to beat myself up, I remind myself that these are the very things I continued to show up for, to learn about me.

Resentments growing, at another meeting K made a statement to me "aren't you giving up your treasury service?" To which I responded "No!". And afterwards I thought about it, not wanting to really attend the meeting anymore and also not liking doing the treasury and regularly messing it up without ever telling anyone, I decided that yes I would hand in the service after all. And so, as is often the case, I added it all up at the last minute and where it didn't tally I made it tally. I walked in and angrily handed it over to K without so much as your leave and glad to be rid of it and any more pressure from him. Ha! I thought there you go, now it's all yours. Or so I thought. The next time I saw him he pointed out to me smugly that the money didn't balance and it was £4 something under. I was annoyed that he was smug and pointing out my error. I was embarrassed too. As what he doesn't know is that none of it balanced and so I made it fit together. So last week when he accused me of taking AA's money, he could be right or wrong. I am adamant though that it is an error and he is just being a f'ing nasty bully. How he behaved in the meeting this week however, was rather unnecessary. He was openly accusational and then mocking in a tantalising manner. I am pleased that I did not respond. I asked for a conscience with a view to come to a solution that was agreed by the group not K. 

The way in which he behaved finally made my decision for me and that is not to return to the meeting. I have witnessed K & C upset too many people. I have taken this personally and I realise not because of him but because of my own part in this. It has taken me a little while to really own it and see it but yesterday it became clear.

My sponsor this morning said to consider with God if I return the money or not. I have decided I will. But more importantly I want to call and offer an apology to K for the way in which I handed the treasury over. I will say that and add that it as wrong of me to hand it over in the way that I did without going through it and that it was done with bad attitude as I was angry with him. 

The difference is a mathematical mistake and I have been embarrassed by the mistake. I do not owe the money as I have not taken the money. However, I will arrange for £5 to be donated to the meeting to make up the difference.

This has been a great learning opportunity for me. Numbers have always been an issue for me and so taking on the treasury was hard but a chance to learn. I have learnt a lot.

Then I need to listen to anything he has to say and thank him for his feedback, whatever he has to say. I am hoping he'll be apologetic himself and I don't want his smugness and attitude but I just have to listen. And then I can say how are you K? And C? And wish them a good Spring Bank holiday.

So I need to make that call now. I want it over and done with but also am excited to relieve myself of my guilt. That is not the purpose of an amends. Ugh realising that I need to listen to whatever he has to say was a dampner on the excitement and a humbling check in.

I will write something else beforehand to reduce the excitement further. But what? 

I did not do any studying at all yesterday. I did carry out the discussion in connection with my research project for the main module. But I have this fill-in module and essay on the 

...... a phone call from E and then I made the call. Said what I had written above and grrrrrr he said well thank you for your apology and I hope it brings you peace now. Arrogant shit!! Oh and added that no doubt we'll see each other sometime. I will arrange the £5 to be delivered. I half expected him to own his shit but no! He repeated that he hoped it brought me peace now and I replied "thank you" on both occasions. Nothing more and nothing less. I wished it had but I feel grrrrrr. 

I wanted to say that I hadn't been without peace. But now I just have another resentment. I pray for K. Please God guide me. How do I let go?

Ha! I do laugh at myself. All my hopes for feeling free and wanting forgiveness and none of that, merely a thanks for my apology and wishing me peace. But perhaps he really meant it as well, who knows.

Bliss

XX

Pussy Footing Around Anger

What is the feeling beneath the anger?
There are a couple of people at the frosty Friday meet that I sit and get really angry with. I an recall the first time I got really really angry was a few years ago and look how I ma still holding on to it. I had taken on teas and coffees with everyone's knowledge that I couldn't get there until about 7:40. Then C came along and angrily made hints about the T&C person needing to get there early to open up and how she had been sitting outside freezing. In the other business moment, I suggested I hand in the commitment despite everyone knowing my arrival time in advance of me taking the commitment on. I laughed inwardly as the group voted me in to continue. C was huffy and has been with me ever since. I know it's not personal because she's huffy and rude with a number of people at different times.
Last night she wanted me to give her information about someone else and when I said I had no idea she accused me of sitting on the fence. What I wanted to do was slap her and then tell her to f-off. What I did say is that I really don't know any information and then I was angry with myself because that would imply that if I did I would say something. I wouldn't. I don't like gossip and saying anything about anyone without their say-so can be tantamount to gossip. I wished I had the ability to find something light to say with a smile like "hey C are you asking me to gossip?"
But knowing that anger is very often a secondary emotion, a coping emotion, I wonder what is going on underneath. Fear? Yes I have fear of them gossipping about me and then people will believe it and I'll be considered a bad person. All the business with the bloody pot was irritating, mind you I had messed it up somewhat and of course I wouldn't want people to know that. But I did own it and signed it off and have since been putting extra amounts in every pot, when I have it.
I don't like them actually. I think they are rude and controlling and self-righteous. So there I am angrily judging them. How to just love and accept them as they are? God show me how please.
If I were to see them through your eyes God .... how would I see them. Sometimes I see them with pity and that's not fair. I see C shaking as she tries to pick things up and K has aged recently. Then they go an say something that seems spiteful for example because someone has walked away from the meeting after being treated rudely, C said in a nasty tone "she'll drink!". In my opinion I think that's said without mindfulness. And K insinuated it's even worse because her sponsor is away right now. How flipping gossipy is that. Did I say anything? No not a word. What could I have said. I would often in the past lash out in defence but at least I didn't do that. Defend the underdog.
Maybe it isn't just a secondary emotion, maybe I am appropriately angry but what on earth am I to do about it. I will not be there next week thank goodness. And I am no longer the secretary for Saturday so don't have to hold the key - that's a different issue but just entered my mind.
I don't know the traditions well enough to know what's healthy orderliness here and them just bossing everyone around to do the meeting their way. K says he has seen the best of AA and it's going. It's just change. They do not see that. People seem to condemn new and different. I think so long as the traditions are being upheld there is room for change and update.
What is it that they trigger in me. It is this control that they have and that they are right. I am sure it's in me too and where else. I see with P how he can believe something and impose the thought or idea on me or others as if we should think the same way, without even a consideration for difference and different being okay.
It irritates me no end.
Yes it's this severity of control when it's so subtle at times and yet not in other ways. I spent my life with that I think and have no idea how to have a voice against it.
I think that's it the fear is that I was not able to have a voice. What was I afraid of? What would have happened to me? I got told off a lot and just clamped down upon, told I was wrong and shown I was wrong. Any idea I had was stupid or not even given any regard. My emotion were not even acknowledged and I am afraid if I speak up I will say it all wrong and be knocked down for things I haven't said or worse still be publicly told I am wrong and stupid. I am afraid to have my say.
My say would be that I felt it inappropriate that a request was dealt with quite rudely across the room and with newcomers in the room.I am also unhappy with the amount of gossip both in the room and outside of the room and disappointed to hear that people outside are gossipping and saying how bad the meeting is. And worse still the talk I hear involves certain personalities. I'd like to say all of that and perhaps I need to run this by my sponsor.
It's not the protection of the meeting I am interested in really, it's the learning about me.
How to say things or whether I should simply stay quiet.

S said something and H said something too.
Keep my eyes on my own business not anyone else's and it's just not the way I do my recovery.
If I can keep my focus on those things do I need to say anything and do I even need to continue attending.
I would like to be going to meetings to be learning about the Big Book and about my alcohol-ism and about the solutions in getting well. I do not hear that in the meeting.
I have resentment with C and K. I really do. I don't want to have resentment though. I actually prayed for them this morning without being told to. That's progress.
I do pray for them God. And please show me the way forward.
Help me understand me please.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to explore this. Without these people including P, behaving the way they do I would not be able to find out about me and how to change.

Thank you

Bliss
XX

Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

The Fixer

That's me, the fixer. Sometimes at least.
Where do I begin so that I record this.


Before I do, I want to write about my dream. I think it was the last dream before I woke up this morning. And I woke around 4am.
The order of the dream is now somewhat muddled, well the early stages of the dream. There was point when I was with my mum who was very ill and dying. She looked much younger than her age at her death in reality. She knew she was very ill and so did we all, my dad and I. For some reason I went off with my dad. I can't describe easily where we were. In my dream it was unfamiliar too. It was a sort of marshy wood and there was a wooden cabin that we were going towards. I would describe it now as a sort of Tardis. As we approached it I felt anticipation and anxiety but it was inevitable I was going in. I felt terror throughout the dream. I was terrified of my dad. I was being nice because I was trying to outsmart him, which I knew in my heart of hearts was impossible. However, I was people-pleasing. He was smarmy. There was another man there too. I was also wary of him. I know this was a dangerous environment but my dad was stopping from getting to mum and I had to play along if I was ever going to see her again. And yet I knew I was never going to get to see her again because of my dad. And then he was getting closer and closer. Little tormenting gestures, innuendos were increasing and his look was repulsing me. Inappropriate touches here and there. I woke out of the dream when we were still in the cabin and I was trying to persuade him and then becoming more insistent on getting to see mum. I kept asking when will we leave. He kept finding little tasks to do in the cabin. and we were in a more confined space when I woke up and immediately had to get up. I went back to bed and fell asleep. On waking up the next time I had initially forgotten he dream and then it slowly started creeping back. More and more detail.
I wanted to vomit and wanted to tear my skin off. And then I just didn't want to leave my flat. I have of course. I knew I had. to.


I needed to record that for myself. Why? Because I do forget that things were real and not okay. I tend to think I've exaggerated things and even think I've made them up at times. The very physicality of the wakeful state is a reminder that things were never really okay.


Moving on and The Fixer.
How often I say that something isn't right for me and feel terrible that someone is affected. Of course people are affected people all the time but it's not my responsibility. Yet I take on a sense of deep guilt and shame. And then I need to fix them and/or fix me.


The feeling of guilt was so intense I just couldn't sit still. I wanted to distract myself because studying required focus and all I could do was continuously wander in my thoughts. Thank goodness I was aware of this and distracted for a while, nothing unhealthy, just tittle tattle nonsense her and there. Eventually I was able to bring my attention into my books and very interesting it was. Then a lovely walk in the afternoon sunshine BUT wit some background noise thoughts, constantly whirring over and over. I went to a meeting and that arrested the whirring for a while. And then sleep but the next morning was ablast with damnation and hell.
As Shakespeare said in his play Macbeth " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."t is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."


I had left this post alone and so won't continue it now. I've lost my thread. But post it for record sake.
I need my HP to iiude me from this fixer role in all it's guises. Glad to be shown, as it gives me the opportunity to change.
I get irritated by fixers too

Bliss
XX

Grey Areas

I have a grey area and the Universe suggests avoiding them. This grey area concerns abstinence and what constitutes abstinence. This relates to my work and also within my recovery programme.
Let's start with the latter. A person has been contacting me who is on a food plan and has been maintaining her weight for some years now. Great! She wants a sponsor and in my humble opinion is a real people pleaser and therefore flatters to get what she wants. She is also a very delightful person. Right now she is going through some major decision making times that are upsetting and she is full of fear. I'd really love to sponsor her but I have a few issues. One is the people-pleasing. Ironic being a chronic people-pleaser myself but also can swing the other way and be quite to the point rather than gentle and nurturing. I can be in the middle too. Someone, a friend of mine said a while ago that in be boundaried she was now finding me quite direct. I'm sure I can be but it's difficult for me to distinguish when it's someone else's issue with the boundary (using the term broadly) being set and them not liking it or whether it is my manner in delivery the boundary. I can't even recall what it was that I'd said or done so useless information really. However, it is there on my mind. And maybe I will enquire but I don't always appreciate the way this person perceives things and people and situations.
Just yesterday in fact, my friend showed her concern because I was sad and crying. I didn't need anyone to say I had a lot o. It sounded condescending in some way. And more about needing to say something to show her concern. I appreciated her concern, don't get me wrong. But all she needed to do was to show up and listen just as she did. I was able to put that frustration aside though, despite being sad and appreciate her concern for what it was.
Anyway, that's an aside.
Yes this person is using sleeping pills. Mainly herbal now she tells me but last night popped half an over-the-counter pill because so much is going around her head she couldn't sleep. Now that's okay in my book if she wants to pop pills but in this programme of recovery I am a bit torn between wanting to be "clean" of all substances and behaviours learn to deal with life on it's terms. She is very resistant to this idea and thinks it's not the right time to be coming of pills. I am not sure I can sponsor her on this basis but also confused by myself. After all, I am a great advocate of my sponsor working with the things I am willing to give up and being ONLY a food sponsor. Hmm. A change of mind perhaps? I think also is the attitude of this person. She thinks that with everything that's going on now is not the time to want to have a balanced prescription. It's an excuse in my book to continue to use but she feels it is completely justified. My suggestion is to have a prescribed pill programme and stick rigidly to it so that it's not a total escape from feelings. As in last night, tossing and turning not being able to sleep and so at will taking an extra pill. As I reiterated to her, I am not saying come off pills just like that, I'm suggesting sticking to a prescribed pill usage or if sticking with herbal pills then to stick absolutely with that. I mean what's she doing with medication in the house anyway if she doesn't use them anymore. So there was a lot of confusing messages. Saying she hasn't taken medication for a long time after being on them for over 30 years. But then when I said I was confused because she said she was using pills over this last year in a previous conversation ... then she said she agreed about honesty yet had admitted that she wasn't telling her last sponsor the truth and so on.
But then there is this conflict of wanting to be able to work with people just where they are. Can I really do this? IS there a conflict with FA? I mean what do people in FA think about ad hoc use of sleeping pills? I might call M in Florida this afternoon and see what she thinks.
In my work I am at ease working with people who want to try out controlled measures with substances, behaviours etc. Things that they are doing addictively when it's a behaviour as with food requires a plan, something that is agreed as abstinence ad then stick to it. I am at ease working with this but I think always with the thought that abstinence is the best way. And there is a bit of me that thinks eventually they will have to conceded to this. So it's not a totally free idea I work with. I have to be honest about this in supervision as it will be influencing how I work with people.
So here then is the conflict for me. I am in FA and committed to my food plan. Funnily enough it raises for me the question of whether it would be possible to have a plan around drinking. Why I would want to even try I don't know. But it's then similar with thinking well perhaps I could manage some chocolate etc. There are substances that I do believe I am actually triggered to use more with. Alcohol, cocaine, sugar, flour. But then what about addictive behaviours such as relationships and social media etc. I need a plan of abstinence around these too. Now just because I need this doesn't mean to say others do. But with C she has a long history of medication addiction, sleepers of all sorts. And here she is toying with other sorts and thinking it's okay. Actually that is not abstinent thinking to me. So, maybe that's the conversation I need to have with her. And then she gets very defensive and flustered. And then perhaps it's just not possible to sponsor her. She wants someone to talk through all her issues with. She hasn't been making call to other FA people. I feel she wants someone to make decisions for her and is very needy in some ways but very self-willed actually. She is taking advice fro her solicitor but not trusting it. I would say I recognise this person. Stability is what she needs and I don't feel it's possible in 15 minutes on a call. That is not sponsoring she wants.
So there we have it. I think I do actually know the answer. I am unsure that's what she wants but if she doesn't want to work the programme as laid out for me then I don;t want to sponsor her. I would happily be her therapist but that would cost her and I am not in fellowship to promote myself as a therapist. I will definitely keep that ethical boundary for myself as tempting as it would be to offer my services.
Hey ho! It helps to write.
Bliss
XX

Blindly bathing in miracles

Met up with the dearest, little angel over the weekend, Bliss, but she was so, so sad.

She asked, in the sweetest of angel voices, how there can be so much love in the world, yet so few feel it. How there can be so much beauty, yet hardly anyone sees it. And how there can be so many miracles, yet most are ignored.

Poor thing.

So, Pamela, I reminded her of something far more important. I reminded her that whether or not one knows of the love, they are still bathed in it. Whether or not they see the beauty, they still add to it. And whether or not they recognize the miracles, they still perform them, every single day.

Then, we both just beamed.

Tallyho,
    The Universe