Monday 22 August 2011
Clear paths
The Power of Emptiness
The mind is completely silent, we are attentive – a clear consciousness,
All meanings, boundaries disappear – us and the Infinite are "One";
Practically, we have a new mind – always fresh.
Being in the pause – I become infinite!
It separates two worlds. I leave the limited world
And enter Boundlessness, through total melting;
The whole being is calm – a constant sparkle.
There is no time, no space – just everlasting Eternity;
I move in direct contact with life, in a permanent present.
I am Pure Energy, without motivations.
Ilie Cioara
The mind is completely silent, we are attentive – a clear consciousness,
All meanings, boundaries disappear – us and the Infinite are "One";
Practically, we have a new mind – always fresh.
Being in the pause – I become infinite!
It separates two worlds. I leave the limited world
And enter Boundlessness, through total melting;
The whole being is calm – a constant sparkle.
There is no time, no space – just everlasting Eternity;
I move in direct contact with life, in a permanent present.
I am Pure Energy, without motivations.
Ilie Cioara
Murderer at large
I had a dream that I didn't realise was a dream for quite some time. This is unusual as I am aware most of the time that I am dreaming and therefore feel a semblance of control about the direction of the dream. I had a dream last week as well when I wasn't aware I was in a dream. I can't remember the content but I think that was also fearful.
In this dream Derek was involved. I cannot quite remember how he was involved. I was staying in this sort of hotel, which has reminded of a nightmare style dream from ages ago. I lived in this room and next door was this older man. He informed me that he was going to kill someone. He suckered me into the plans telling me that I could not tell anyone. I completely believed him but I cannot recall the reasons it was imperative he killed someone. I can see him. He was old and thin, maybe in his 70's. He was bald and wrinkly skin. He was wearing a brown suit. Little wiry glasses. He was upright and quite able-bodied. His room was dark with just one room. I saw the rifle, in fact I can see him holding it and walking around the room with it. I had known him as my neighbour and felt warm and friendly and sort of protective in a way.
That someone he was going to kill though was one of my best friends A. I was terrified and told Derek and he too told me that I mustn't break the mans confidence. I went off to the big conference thinking that I should tell someone but that I couldn't. I remember looking back at the hotel and there were two buildings, both modern and low-rise (is there such a thing) maybe just 2 or 3 storeys high, which I thought was odd. I was confused as to which one I lived in. one was the Intercontinental. As I got to the big meeting hall A and her mum were sitting at the back. I sat next to A and suddenly could not bear the thought of her being killed, shot dead. I sat there for a while, becoming more conscious somehow of the reality of what was going to take place. I knew he would be preparing to be on his way. I didn't say anything to A but ran off to tell the authorities. One was Rosa the nurse and she was sort of security amongst others in the room. They were in a room that was all windows and lunging about. I was trying to explain the urgency and I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. At this point of panic I realised I was in a dream and could wake myself up. I did and shook myself with the angst I was feeling. I felt guilty too for not having listened to my initial thoughts of how wrong the mans intentions were.
Very strange. Dreams often are.
I just spoke with A and told her my dream. I know she doesn't get superstitious about such things. But is also interested in the emotions that are evoked by dreams. I wonder what had triggered all of that?
Anyway I am currently struggling with getting my essay done and now I will need more time this week. I better put in for the extension. I am now off on Monday as well and doing Aftercare on Tuesday so have time off which is lovely. However I have to use annual leave entitlement for the privilege. This Bank Hol situation is most peculiar really. Not what I am used to I suppose from an industry sector. Private hospitals are a rule unto themselves. They say they are not making good profits. I suppose I have to believe them and be grateful they take measures to keep the place operating. Although this year we have been busy almost consistently.
Anyway I am off so can enjoy the longer than planned rest.
I am concerned about being able to maintain my studies. My working days are too long for me. what I would like is a shorter working week without losing any income. I am struggling already with income.
I would like to be travelling less but still working in this field that I love. I would truly like to get a job at Sporting Chance plus be able to start getting my own practice together and with that have more time for me as well as enough money to cover all expenses and a little for me. I am not a big spender and still struggling to cover all my costs. I do get to do some nice things but I rarely buy clothes or take any pampering for me. After Christmas I will stop paying out the loan for my car which will help enormously. But not with time.
I need money and time. Or do I give up my course?
So many options and yet they all involve giving up something and is it greedy to want it all?
I laugh as these really are high class problems right now. I have a roof over my head that actually is pretty splendid compared to lots. I have an income that enables me to enjoy certain luxuries and pleasures. I have a job I enjoy. I have good friends. I have LouLou. I have a car and can afford the fuel at the moment. Yep I have a lot but have a dilemma as well. And so far I do not know which of the suggestions feels most right.
One that does make sense is to see if I can get a transfer of living to Grayshot. I believe they will simply say no but unless I ask .......
I do often feel ashamed of the way in which my decision to live my life has resulted in me with nothing to show for the high flying business woman. So many properties I have walked away from. Crazy me. But unstable enough to be able to deal with it all. If only people had known then that it was bi-polar related. I wonder if things would have been different.
It's never ever been boring though. I just need support to be more stable and contain me when I am higher. All I ever got was a telling off and disappointment from others. When what I really needed was help! Gosh it all seems so clear now looking back. I can see the high swings and the crazy involvements. It just wasn't overly severe or I gave a semblance of normality in between. Yep it's as clear as day now.
Right away from this distraction and write write write
Bliss
XX
In this dream Derek was involved. I cannot quite remember how he was involved. I was staying in this sort of hotel, which has reminded of a nightmare style dream from ages ago. I lived in this room and next door was this older man. He informed me that he was going to kill someone. He suckered me into the plans telling me that I could not tell anyone. I completely believed him but I cannot recall the reasons it was imperative he killed someone. I can see him. He was old and thin, maybe in his 70's. He was bald and wrinkly skin. He was wearing a brown suit. Little wiry glasses. He was upright and quite able-bodied. His room was dark with just one room. I saw the rifle, in fact I can see him holding it and walking around the room with it. I had known him as my neighbour and felt warm and friendly and sort of protective in a way.
That someone he was going to kill though was one of my best friends A. I was terrified and told Derek and he too told me that I mustn't break the mans confidence. I went off to the big conference thinking that I should tell someone but that I couldn't. I remember looking back at the hotel and there were two buildings, both modern and low-rise (is there such a thing) maybe just 2 or 3 storeys high, which I thought was odd. I was confused as to which one I lived in. one was the Intercontinental. As I got to the big meeting hall A and her mum were sitting at the back. I sat next to A and suddenly could not bear the thought of her being killed, shot dead. I sat there for a while, becoming more conscious somehow of the reality of what was going to take place. I knew he would be preparing to be on his way. I didn't say anything to A but ran off to tell the authorities. One was Rosa the nurse and she was sort of security amongst others in the room. They were in a room that was all windows and lunging about. I was trying to explain the urgency and I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. At this point of panic I realised I was in a dream and could wake myself up. I did and shook myself with the angst I was feeling. I felt guilty too for not having listened to my initial thoughts of how wrong the mans intentions were.
Very strange. Dreams often are.
I just spoke with A and told her my dream. I know she doesn't get superstitious about such things. But is also interested in the emotions that are evoked by dreams. I wonder what had triggered all of that?
Anyway I am currently struggling with getting my essay done and now I will need more time this week. I better put in for the extension. I am now off on Monday as well and doing Aftercare on Tuesday so have time off which is lovely. However I have to use annual leave entitlement for the privilege. This Bank Hol situation is most peculiar really. Not what I am used to I suppose from an industry sector. Private hospitals are a rule unto themselves. They say they are not making good profits. I suppose I have to believe them and be grateful they take measures to keep the place operating. Although this year we have been busy almost consistently.
Anyway I am off so can enjoy the longer than planned rest.
I am concerned about being able to maintain my studies. My working days are too long for me. what I would like is a shorter working week without losing any income. I am struggling already with income.
I would like to be travelling less but still working in this field that I love. I would truly like to get a job at Sporting Chance plus be able to start getting my own practice together and with that have more time for me as well as enough money to cover all expenses and a little for me. I am not a big spender and still struggling to cover all my costs. I do get to do some nice things but I rarely buy clothes or take any pampering for me. After Christmas I will stop paying out the loan for my car which will help enormously. But not with time.
I need money and time. Or do I give up my course?
So many options and yet they all involve giving up something and is it greedy to want it all?
I laugh as these really are high class problems right now. I have a roof over my head that actually is pretty splendid compared to lots. I have an income that enables me to enjoy certain luxuries and pleasures. I have a job I enjoy. I have good friends. I have LouLou. I have a car and can afford the fuel at the moment. Yep I have a lot but have a dilemma as well. And so far I do not know which of the suggestions feels most right.
One that does make sense is to see if I can get a transfer of living to Grayshot. I believe they will simply say no but unless I ask .......
I do often feel ashamed of the way in which my decision to live my life has resulted in me with nothing to show for the high flying business woman. So many properties I have walked away from. Crazy me. But unstable enough to be able to deal with it all. If only people had known then that it was bi-polar related. I wonder if things would have been different.
It's never ever been boring though. I just need support to be more stable and contain me when I am higher. All I ever got was a telling off and disappointment from others. When what I really needed was help! Gosh it all seems so clear now looking back. I can see the high swings and the crazy involvements. It just wasn't overly severe or I gave a semblance of normality in between. Yep it's as clear as day now.
Right away from this distraction and write write write
Bliss
XX
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)