Ouch

I received a text today from a friend who had cut contact some time around maybe October 2009. I can't remember the date exactly, it may have been eariler than that as I remember I was walking in Hen Wood when I received the text from her. I was pleased with the way I responded. I said "I respect your wishes. I bear no grudges and hope that friendship can overcome differences". Well today I received a text "Hi Pamela, I wondered if u would be prepared 2 meet up ion the not too distant future? I would appreciate it if we could 4 2 reasons. I would like to have the conversation we were 2 have and also to discuss Sankofa briefly. Hope ur OK. Love P...."
I haven't responded yet. In my hurt and anger about it all my initial thoughts weren't friendly. But I knew not to act on that. I was not entirely sure how I felt so I decided not to respond immediately whilst I assess how I feel and what I would like to do. This evening I think I will agree to meet and having chatted it through with a friend I would like to say something about the way I was feeling on receipt of the text and that I would happily hear her thoughts. The truth is that I really don't have any residual feelings from the day things seemed very weird. I think it would be hurtful to say that I had previously felt very overpowered by Paula and unable to say no to her on one occassion she asked if she could join in on an evenign I already had a few friends over. And then she couldn;t drive home and ended up staying to which I also felt I couldn't say no. This lack of being able to say no left me feeling overpowered by her and I was angry at her for it. In hindsight I would have said that she was welcome if she felt happy to drive home that night. And of course that would have been something I could learn from the situation. Instead I kept feeling cornered by Paula. I also felt that the way she described how people remove her power was accusational and eventually I just felt completely boxed in and didn't like how I thought I was being labelled. It was all too mixed up and for me all my codependency was being triggered. It's still not clear to me what happened. It would be nice to not have any hard feelings. I am also aware that she and Jenny have been developing their friendship and at the time of Paula's text I did feel it was very much in line with Jenny cutting contact with Melissa and I.
For obvious reasons I have changed the names of the people.
Anyway I sent a text to Melissa today saying that I had had the text. I did not hear from her but that didn't particualry worry me util this evening at the CoDA meeting. I mentioend the text to Melissa and she said that yes she wasn't surprised or soemthing along those lines and she thought it would happen. I said slightly disturbed soething back along the lines OH have you spoken with the person then about this? At which point Melissa said she didn't want to get involved. I felt stung! This was my friend and I wanted her to be on my side. I feel as if I am always in the wrong and everyone is ganging up on me - Jenny, Paula, Steven and now Melissa too. The feeing was huge, and I recognise now that it was far bigger than the situation demended. I am aware that it taps into my fears of myself that I am a bad perons and unlikeable. I want them to all know that I am not to blame and I am not trusting their reovery to knw this is about them and not about me. When my friend Lilly pointed out to me that's actually moer about how I feel about myself. I knwo she is right. I think I am to blame and a bad person and that noone likes me. Despite the fact I was bought a lovely meal this evening by Alice and Gill to celebrate the recent job offer. And Lilly listened to me despite being tired and Melissa has been supportive and caring towards me normally.
It hit my fear of abandonment which is evidence that I am a bad person and worthless. It hurts and I am terrified of it. Hence a big raction to Melissa not wanting to be my friend!!!! I respect fully her saying that she didn't want to be involved. It just aroused fears and suspicions that nasty things were said about me. Ugh it's all such hard work. I am paranoid. I am codependent. It matters so much what others think. And yet there I was just recently thinking that actually I am alright. It's very fragile and very breakable clearly. As if I didn't know that already!!!??
I think it might be possible to say someting to Melissa but not right now. I am not clear in what it is I need to say as I'm am feeling the feelings. It was good to speak with Lilly as she was rational and heard my feelings as well as rationalising what she heard through my ranting and blaming and confusion.
That helped to air the events as I perceived them. The first step in working through the feelings is to acknowledge them and usually that happens when I share the feelings. The healing has started.
It's so hard engagin with humnas. They are imperfect and so am I. I can be clumsy with my words and that can be hurtful - similarly I can be hurt by people practising their recovery from codependency and sometimes I hear it clumsily. That I can accept.
I can respect Melissa's statement to not want to be involved. I will send Paula a text to say ---- what? Or should I simply call and avoid any misunderstandings. I simply don't trust right now...
What will I say? Hello Paula. Thank you for your text and yes I would be happy to meet up. I have my diary here, perhaps we can arrange a date and place? Well I won't make the call tonight so hopefully thw rods will come to me for tomorrow.
I am avery sensitive person and easily hurt. In some ways I wouldn't have it any other way. Lilly pointed out to me that i have ssaid a few times recently "that's why I don't have friends" I hope that wasn't hurtful, it wasn't meant to be. Lilly is a great friend, I wouldn't want to hurt her. Having friends does mean allowing people in and that can also leave me vulnerable to some painful feelings as well as the joy of friendship and love.
I had a lovely meal with Alice and Gill. Alice and I had enjoyed a lovely walk earlier in very strong winds and rain, with LouLou and Molly moomoo (as I seem to call her). I had a nice afternoon and evening with them.
I witness how changeable my emotions are. One minute really happy and then whoosh, the next minute I can be lonely, afraid and hurt. And then again I can be happy in the very next minute.
I am pleased with several things. When I spoke with Lilly I didn't need to mention any names or even hint at who I was speaking about. I do not feel a need for food to fix all of this. I ate a lovely meal with plenty of food but did not over eat. Alice gave me the leftovers for tomorrow. In the past I would either get very drunk on something like this or/and would eat eat eat.
I think this evening I am feeling freedom from menopausal symptoms, not bodily swelling, no huge cravings for food and not heavy physically from the inside. My heart hurts a little still but the ache in my very core is subsiding. It seems to sweel with pain from deep within my gut - and the seems seperate from my heart.
As Lilly reminded me. It is all very exciting despite the heart ache and pain. This is another opportunity for growth.
I am going to bed. Later than I would have preferred with my essay needing writing. BUt hey ho. Lets hope for a better sleep than I would have if I hadn't written.
Night
x

Phew

Good morning
Well I have made an acceptable start on my essay. This seems to be a pattern 2 or 3 days trying to get started and then a day per section - intro which helps get me on my way. Although there is sugegstion that the intro is the last thing to be written. That was how I did my research report. Wrote the content of the report first. That madde sense to me.
Anyway yes - intro then another say for each key point int he main section and finally the conclusion. How the hell will I do an exam - 3 essays in 3 hours. The sample papers don't suggest a word count. I really need to keep the exam to the back of my mind. I can feel very dispondent about it and then think what's the point of the course as I will fail anyway with the exam. The exam coutns for 50% of the overall mark.
Yesterdays job offer news threw me. That contributed to me doing absolutely nothing worthwhile at all towards my essay. For the enxt essay - well it's another report of a qualitative research project I might be able to be off as it will be the last week at work. I can try and organise to utilise the last of my leave. I was thinking maybe I would take the money as I am so so so so so broke. Well what I mean by that is I haven't any spare money after paying the bills.
And then for the last essay TMA06 - blimey - well I will have to see what's going on at that time. I need a full week to do these flipping essays. Hence the OU schedule ina week for them!!! Doh!
Right that little distraction over - back to it. I think I might wash up first. Need a bath too. I stink!
At least this way it's a healthier distraction - yes I know I said I was off but .....
Before when I need a distraction from my frustration of not knowing what or how to do the next sentence, I would get up and snack. I am in recoery from my over eating now. Only day 2 after having extra handfuls of raisins whilst preparing my dinner. That was happening regularly so evnetually I was able tog et honest with myself and declare my 4 week abstinence broken and start again. This is a real break through. Before now I would have just discounted it and claimed to be in recovery or abstinence whichever word seems more appropriate at the time. But the little lie would keep me in denial and eventually I would be allowing a snack here and a snack there and before long over eating again. My abstinence is 3 meals a day nothing between. At this point I am not worrying too much about size or content of the meals. And that has helped so much.
Allowing myself sweet things again has removed the good food bad food thing for me. There are no foods that aren't allowed. All food is simply food. But I can have them only within a meal time.
I don't feel deprived. However, after a nice meal I do want more more more. And I have to really sit with that. I am not sure if it's food cravings or emotions or habitual. Maybe a little of all.
Anyway this blog is an alternative to snacking. Snacking was good int he sense that it was a quick sharp distraction, didn;t take me too far away from the procvessing of thoughts and the desk. Walking Loulou is good for more processing but takes me away and whe a good thought comes to mind I am not able to write it down and usually there are so many more thoughts along the walk that i forget really good and important things.
Washing up is OK, thinking space and local to the desk. But somehow it doesn't stimulate me.
This can take longer ...... ?
Right right right really am off to wash up or something ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I have started a sentence and don't know the direction or particular point I want to make. Actually I think I do know the point. The point is that Heider claimed that people search out causes to explain people's behaviour. His experiment with Simmel using cartoon shapes shows how people choose to explain the movements by giving them human traits and purpose. He went onto claim that people attribute behaviours to either internal or exteranl causes. And this has further been researched which adds weight to the concept because it seems valid people go on to enhance the study with further exploration - needs much better wording than that. If only I could bring in personal thoughts and experiences such as the way people tend to give human qualities to their pets - what do we trendily call that these days humanising objects and inhuman animals. I wonder how I could bring that in?????
Sorry blog for being so boring. This is unlikely to become a best seller huh? But secretly, I don't who it si a secret from, I want to be spotted and this be turned into a book. The workings of a brain trying to work!!!! Ha ha ha.
I heard of someone's blog being "spotted" and turned into a book. Why not. I am just not a writer. Language is basic and it's literally my thoughts as I think them. No great literary cntent or even intellectual greatness.
It is me though when I can drop the ego who is writing for my audience. Ha ha ha
Right right right I am off - see how easily distracted away I am from effort.
Byeee for now


How boring ths blog is ..............................................