Being feasted

I had such a headache today and only when I had a cup of coffee at about 5pm did it start to go. This despite taking some medication! It was a flipping caffeine detox headache. It never ceases to amaze me just what caffeine is doing!

I realised that I just wanted to stay quiet and going for a walk with a gaggle of women didn't seem to be a good idea. A ended up staying as well and we started preparing the feast. It was lovely sitting eating and chatting with good friends. I am glad that when going into temporary expert mode, this time I was actually right. I hate it when I think I know it all and I actually don't. Surprised!! I'm not. I keep trying to practice keeping my informing mouth closed but I get all involved and forget. I will keep practicing - ask more don't dictate!!

I enjoyed myself despite feeling somewhat low. And the lowness is despite those meds too! Grr.

I love the highs and hate the lows. Enjoy the moments as they all pass. Lessons everywhere at every minute.

Mighty night

Bliss

XX



Outings

Possessed

Scarred

Meeting

Well I met with SH today. Right now I feel so sad. Glad and also sad actually. It was friendly. He made amends to me for his behaviour. I must saying the timing was a little clumsy. There I was meeting and greeting clients arriving at the reunion BBQ and he asked if I had a minute. I should have said not right then. Anyway I listened and we talked for a while. I thanked him graciously accepting his apology. I said that we both had out part to play. He apologised again as if insisting I receive his apology again. It was nice of him. Later we sat next to each other with P as well and ate our BBQ lunch. We chatted and laughed. It was pleasant and very friendly.AT one point someone came and talked to me and it seemed so right to be there. At the same time I am aware that it wasn't so right either. It was a moment of nostalgia really.
I am so relieved that there is the opportunity for things to be friendly between us. I can let go finally.
It is odd though at a time when I am writing out SLAA Step one and observing the patterns of destruction and so on. We had a great time together for so long. But it was also so wrong for so long.
I am so so sad because all this time I can see that the bi-polar has been involved as well as addiction and a lack of worth. No one has ever helped me with the bi=polar and managing the highs or the lows and so there has been havoc wreaked. And no help in being able to sustain relationships that I value. No one has understood and not loved enough to stick with me. Or me with them. Even my parents just thought I was bad and useless. I feel so so sad about this. I wonder if it truly is worth any future. Odd, serious thoughts really.
I am taking the meds but feel really as if it's time to give up.

Plath

The BBQ went off so well. I am delighted for P. So many people and so many thanks especially and directed to him. He is a remarkable man!

I flitted and chatted amongst as many people as I could get to. There were a couple of people that I was concerned about. It was lovely to see people getting well and getting a life that they wanted. One lady came over to me saying that she had thought I gave her a hard time at times and yet realises now just how much loving and thoughtfulness I was giving her. Wow! She didn't think I would remember her. I remembered her well. I looked around the crowds and reflected on how much of each of their lives they had shared with me. I felt very honoured and pleased that some healing had taken place for them to be able to move on. I can't believe how the years have passed so swiftly.

I will be 10 years clean very soon. It is amazing really as it isn't what I signed up for. It's been a wiggly wobbly journey with many experiences and adventures. I feel tired of the painful emotion though. I miss my mum today. SH was there when she dies and that came back so strongly. I miss her so so much. An incredible woman!

Bliss

XX