Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX


 

Standing on the shoulders of giants

It's funny because I see in me the ways I do what I do in addiction as the same thing as you do in avoidance. I'm not saying it IS the same just I recognise similarities in the underlying Issues. And I also see how easily I could go into avoidancy. It's not the first time I've recognised it but I don't think I've ever talked about it with you. In particular as I started acting out with Leslie - god I'm so tired of the behaviours. Thank goodness. For so many years now the addictive behaviours and codependency are shown clearly to me yet I'm so good at wanting what I want so denying the situations and consequences. How many times do I want to get burnt. It's not the men - I create abuse. It's a horrid default. And I want to step away from the defect. My gosh I get a lot of practice. Phew! Thank goodness for practice but good support to keep pulling through so far.
I started writig this to my friend M. But reflected on it and decided not to. It didn't feel appropriate. When we met on Saturday it could have been appropriate then and to have live examples of the way I spot the similarities. M always adds that she is avoidant and can be addictive too in her relating with people.
I am mainly addicted in relationships but can see how I become avoidant in some ways and could easily switch to avoidancy in a more obvious way.
Fundamentally addictive or avoidant, the missing ingredient is intimacy. And INTO ME U SEE intimacy involves being transparent and that means being pure or being able to share the things that are embarrassing and bring on feelings of shame too. Either stop those behaviours and attitudes that bring that on or stand up and being counted for them.
M was talking about not being sure about this guy D so tending not to answer calls or meet up. I am not sure about G a lot of the time but instead of avoiding I am in addiction, he's here all the time, I tolerate behaviours and situations that actually I am not happy with.
Whereas M can  put down boundaries that are inflexible, I put down boundaries that are either so flimsy that there is no resistance at all or there are no boundaries.

Today I stood up for myself. I didn't want him to stay another night. And in the clumsiest way possible I said so. It was horrid being then on the receiving end of his reaction although he has been decent about it really. There was awkward silence and a very frosty "right, I'm off then". I asked when we might speak to each other again. And he said "when we speak to each other". There is no commitment from G. He said yesterday there is no contract between us but there is little of a commitment in any sense. He says he doesn't look at other women not because of his commitment to me but because he doesn't do that sort of thing because of his insecurities. That's not acceptable to me. It's true and I appreciate the truth. I am seeing what happens but I store that sort of information. Then there is his friendship with D. I am not happy with him texting all the time he's with me or visiting there and coming back here. Mainly I think he's here because he doesn't want to be at his home, named the pit or he's not permitted to stay at D's house, named the castle.
I am not saying I want him to change per se. Of course I'd like things to be different but what I am saying these are things that actually I am questioning about whether I want in my relationship with someone. I don't like his gossipping. I don't like how he is so critical about the work that I do as if he knows best. He knows a lot but if his word isn't taken then he gets angry and actually points out how closed I am to ideas. I can agree with that to some extent. But pot calling kettle black infuriates me.
And also when things are not going well there he is angry and moody. That's okay as such but it falls out regularly on me. He is ultra sensitive. He is restless all too easily and does nothing about that.
I am sitting here saying all these things with a bit of a whinge. But it's me that's not comfortable with the situation. I am not blaming him and I don't want him to change at all. All I am doing is looking at things how I perceive them and assessing what is okay by me or not. There are wonderful things about that I love deeply. I love walking with him and the freshness of seeing things and hearing things. I lobe the way he cares about people and there is a detail in his caring. I love his brightness, his humour and his intelligence. He has a stored for information and applies it well. I love sex with him. There is the possibility to try and have sexual intimacy but it goes quickly when all the other things kick in. I love the way he practices at enlightenment and his enthusiasm for some things is incredible. As incredible as that is, he can be dispassionate about things too and that is frustrating to watch. He is not happy otherwise I would say crack on.
He is irresponsible with money too but so am I and so that doesn't trouble me so much as it did when all the dust was in the air after my dad's will. I was expecting to be comfortable and was terribly discontented with everything when that was not the case. And G wasn't a help more of a drain financially.

So that's how it is with G. And the addictive process? Well having several times shown him the portal or he's taken the portal and then just slipping back into the same situation is just doing the same old thing and expecting different results. Addictive. Tolerating behaviours that actually create resentments in addictive behaviour. Being needy is addictive behaviour. Not taking responsibility for myself, i.e, being accountable and saying what I do and don't like is addictive behaviour. Not being able to set boundaries such as making calls to friends and FA folk is addictive behaviour. Getting involved once again in cyber-sex when I could actually see it happening in front of my eyes is addictive behaviour. And I do feel incredibly awful about that and glad that I could put a stop to it there and then regardless of what LW was about to start thinking of me. The packaging was rather gorgeous though. Anyhow when G said he needed to delete texts because if I read them my head would go all over the place with them ... firstly I was cross because he thought I'd read his texts, which there has been one occasion I tried to and I have signed in to read his emails. I refuse to do that again. But worse still is the fact that there are texts that he thinks would be inappropriate. I wouldn't want him to see the things I write about him and I certainly wouldn't want him to see the cyber-sexing texts with LW. So I understand but it doesn't make it okay. He sees D every day practically and they are texting all day every day. It's a big bug bear for me. He says it's all innocent and I put trust in that. However, the amount of contact and his apparent attachment to her is rather extreme. And his mood fluctuates according to what's going on with her.
I do not want it. I am glad I was able to say I didn't want to see him this evening and have the evening to myself. I enjoy his company when all is good. In fact I cherish those times they are so special. I do not like the other stuff and that seems to be more frequent.

So I have not been studying and avoiding doing any reading and now have an assignment that was due in today and I've only just started it.What am I doing now? Not my report or even any needed reading. I will do another half hour of reading and then tomorrow evening I will have to get my head into it yet again. On Sunday I am in London with the B's. I hadn't mentioned that to G so the fact that he's dog-sitting all weekend is food news for me. I don't even think I'll miss him so much. The excitement is wearing off I think because it's so full of fraught tension. But bloody hell it's lovely when that isn't there.

And I had an interview yesterday for DARA treatment centre in Thailand. A part of me wants to give it a 3 month try.Leave Loobs again? Difficult. And what about my flat and commitment to PD? I think PD would be very hurt. he already regrets the time off I take for my degree course. I couldn't do it without the time though. My days are so long by the time I've dropped Loobs off and collected her.
The island is mall C said and there is not much to do at all. Being with oneself is a critical ability to have she said. I have this romantic notion of beach bumming and stuff. It's is a snippet of the entire thing. I have a glimpse shot of somewhere exotic. it only remains exotic for a short while because in effect I am just there instead of here. The climate would be lovely of course.
I would miss art. I would miss friends. I would miss culture. I would miss G. I would miss like heck Loobs. I would miss ..............
Hmmm I sent an email to say that I rescind my application. We will see what happens when they respond. I would be interested to know the feedback from the interview. It was via Skype.

That's all folks!!

Bliss
XX

ps G calls himself Spiritual Giant (I think he half beleives it)

Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX

In Hampshire Hurricanes Hardly Ever Happen

Wow! What just happened?
There's a mountain to write. M, G, honesty, jealousy, self respect, confusion. I have no idea what is the best thing to do. Others will doubtlessly give advice and opinions and through it all I will need to pick out a way forward. There are a number of choices to choose from and all heading forward. Nothing can go backwards as it's impossible. But travelling back in time is actually how to go forward. Learning from past experiences. That is time travelling. So I can whizz backwards and observe. This will both influence the next decision, based on experiential patterns and information but the past can also contribute to making changes to those experiences and moving out of conditioning. Can't it? It requires being very conscious and that's so difficult.
My confusion right now is what to do next regarding G. Of course my decisions are based on my fantasies of what's going to happen next anyway. What if doesn't contact me at all? What should I do regarding his hospital visit on Wednesday? Should I offer to go anyway? Do I talk to him about continuing this relationship? Do I even want to continue the relationship? Do I really fancy him? Do I really want him in my life to that degree of commitment and relationship? Do I want to work through all that anger and receiving of it whether it's personal or not? Is that even normal? Do I want to be in a relationship with a man that is so emotionally attached to a woman and her environment? The answer to that is no. One no should be enough shouldn't it Universe?
If this was the other way around, I doubt very much he would tolerate it. So why should I tolerate it? I would like to be able to be friends. That's all I have to offer I think. That does not mean breaking contact. But equally that no longer means anything of deeper intimacy i.e. sex. It was surprisingly good under the circumstances. But there were things that were taboo, like the complete honesty of my past.
And what is once again so very evident is my fear. The fear of telling people the truth. The complete truth. The fear of being me, totally and utterly. It is useful as I am entering Step Four. This is in my face. Fear, fear, fear.
When asked about marriage I was afraid of telling the complete truth. Yes three times I've been married, not to mention the two near marriages with JC and SH. Ad a string of other longer term relationships and so many short term even one night stands fitted in between. IS it necessary to tell all of that when dating someone? I have a sordid past concerning relationships. I regret having sex with G so soon. I don't regret the sex, just the implication. I do not in my single life want to develop a history of sexual relationships within AA. But there we are - SH and GS now. Since splitting up with SH I have been in a relationship with JB, R, JHtB, - then I forget you see. My sexual inventory is not one I am proud of. And so you'd think I'd want to stop. But I don't know how to date or relate with men. Another good reason not to enter into this sort of thing alone.
So he moved in slightly. There were lovely times. And now he's gone. There were some unpleasant times. Whenever he'd been to visit Mrs E, poor Mrs. E, he was in a bad mood. Coupled with my insecurity and jealousy, that was not going to bode well. I wanted reassurance and niceness and closeness. It seemed as if he wanted controversy and was truculent. At times I felt hurt as if he was purposefully being acerbic and deliberately derisive but then would claim I was being too sensitive or carry it on.
I was sensible when I said "well I'm here when you want to be close and nice". I should have left it at that and dealt with how horrible it was feeling. However, by saying that I was finding it difficult was an opportunity for him to give in. Instead he became angrier at me directly and said that I was taking it personally. He admitted he was in a mood and that was that. So am I supposed to be okay with moodiness from other issues directly affecting me? I am not yet ready to deal with this sort of thing. I would hope that I wouldn't put my mood on someone so directly however I am sure that I do. When feeling insecure it manifests in many ways that can be quite pathetic and manipulative. Such as wanting people to stop being angry with me thereby feeling ill or using illness as a sympathy getter. And if I'm feeling angry I think I strop about ruffling the air and inflating my position and exaggerating the issue.
I have had a lovely conversation with my friend T. I was able to be honest with her about the past couple of weeks. The chaos and the good times. It is such a privilege to have friends that I can be honest with and whom listen and don't put their judgements on me. She was able to hear and I tentatively listened for tones that I think were there. But she gave me her thoughts without accusation. It is different.
We also talked though about not knowing what the purpose of "IT" all is. I mentioned the Cave in the Snow book that I'm reading. Actually that G has lent me. I am grateful for the loan. There are questions Tenzin Palmo was asking as a young girl that I have asked all my life. And without any satisfactory answer thus far. And T posed the same thought - are people who choose to meditate in caves alone for years also escaping something. Perhaps there they do not have to deal with disappointment or emotions evoked through interactions. Their only interaction is with their HP. This too seems like escapism or avoidance to some degree. We are social animals. That of course doesn't mean we have to be. I am becoming better placed to be alone and not feel lonely and scared. Does that mean I would tend to isolate. I think not. I know B puts that upon me but I really don't think I'm an isolator. I tend to do the opposite.
One of the things that has been a slight temptation recently has been SecondLife. What did I do last night? Late into the early hours actually? Yup you've probably guessed correctly, I downloaded a viewer and went into SL. There were a couple of the oldies and someone I spoke to on their arrival. I was apparently the first person they spoke with. She commented on how friendly and helpful I was. I'm glad I left a person with that impression. I spoke with Jokk for a while, still doing the same old things in the same old yella shirt and stinky ol' trainers. Fishin' to grab a few Lindens. Probably he couldn't be contacted because he was having a "session" with some floozy or other and there's me thinking he's one of the few gooduns. Oh and Trip was there. A king now in the world of the Vamps. Still there!! Relationship over and done with and offering a Skype address.
Some things never change. What did I do? Yup for those of you up with all of these era, I sent a message to Senor Dante. I still have an allegiance there. Odd really. I have wondered if he and JH were actually the same person. I saw his emailed message via SL and that was really the motive for going online.
Well G has texted and we have spoken and he will be over after the AWOL which starts in 5. I have to go and little is really written about my observations of myself. This needs to be recorded. It's crucial.
I will make some changes with G. More time for me is needed.

Bliss
XX
 

Smelly armpits and four slashed tyres

A man is in my life!
G. I've mentioned him of course. We started talking some months ago at AA meetings. And rapidly but not so too it has developed into spending more and more time and reaching sexual intimacy.
In my mind I know that it's risky. I know that I am full fo self-will, insecurity and not so loving of myself enough to really be entering into a relationship.
Already I am aware of things I am tolerating without respecting my real thoughts and feeloings. One is his friendship with Mrs Elstead. I do respect anyone's choice of friends. However, this is more than friendship. She is a woman he has deep fondness for, in his own words. She is a woman he has had an affair with. To him it's necessary to come to acceptance of being the other person in a relationship. For me that's not okay. So I am sucking that to see. I know if was a friend I would be saying that it's not self respecting. I only actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is unatteched elsewhere. In some ways it's convenient though as there then is less of an attachment. I'm not really see this is in a fully conceived concept. I know it's there. His relationship with her means I do not have to be so fully committed. Interesting but not healthy in the greater scheme of things. Intimacy and commitment seem interlinked to work healthily. By commitment I do not mean to a lifetime. I mean on a daily basis working towards the same direction. Lovingly and respectfully and with no outside distractions as temptation to avoid intimacy and commitment.
There is also the fact that G does not want to work to earn money. I do not judge him for that. I am perfectly at ease with it. However, there is a degree of knowledge from my own experience that whilst it's nice in the semse of not having to be responsible to routine, it's also not good for self-esteem and self care. I was able to alter my lifestyle to suit the circumstances but being able to work to afford the things I enjoy despite having to be cautious, well it's satisfying. It goes overboard for some people. It goes to the point of imbalance, earning, earning, earning. It can seem justified too. Needing to work ferociously to be able to afford lovely things. True! But what about a balanced work or activity life so that other things like relaxation, friends, interests, etc have room for breathing too. This all evasive thing called balance. Anyway there is the other extreme of simply investing in relaxation. Avoiding turning up for one's potential in a way. Limiting the horizons but acoiding all stressors too. The stressors will find a way of manifesting regardless because if anyone is remotely like me I will create the stress. It's almost a default position. As I have faced the world more and more my strength to stressors has increased. I used to think I couldn't be out there because I was so anxious and stressed. Wrong. I can be out there and with support find ways through the stress. The stressors exist everywhere.
And as a result I have some things in my life that I work hard to be able to enjoy. The stressor is not having enough money to be able to do more.
So last week, I was visiting G at his second home, Mrs Elsteads home. He said one evening that he wanted to sleep with me. We had talked at length about issues with sex itself. We talked about skin on skin, which G now calls his skin on skin therapy.
We then were talking very openly about our lives as children at the hands of neglect and abuse. Afterwards G was very angry with me. He became angry it seems when I was asking him to stop being furious with my dad. He was cursing and saying what he wanted to do or me to do. How many times have I been in that situation and these feel I create it. I also realise that I was tapping into a lot of his own anger. I think and it's only a theory because I think G would accuse me of being a therapist, that having made himself so vulnerable to me he need to lash out at me and push me away. Apparently when I said that I felt hurt and sad, it was like a wake up call for him. I said that I knew he did not want to hurt me but at times just people interacting can be hurtful without there being any intention of it. It seemed to bring him back though and that was the night we ended up sleeping together, no sex. I had already felt incredibly sneaky by the cat I was meeting him in Mrs Elsteads house when she and her husband were away. Her being married did not make it better but worse, My principles these days do not involve cheating on people.
However, I am being dishonest with B, my sponsor, too. I still have not told her about having had contact, let alone the fact that we are now sleeping with each other and having sexual intimacy on a regular, evening by evening ad day by day basis. I am on leave and he is a free agent. So he is staying here, every day and ever night. I like it. But it is disrupting my studying and contact with friends and fellows from FA.
It is what I would call those early days of total plunge. Indulgence in a way. Which if it was being supported by friends then it would be less of a total absorption into each other. But I have not told anyone. It's shame. Not at all of him. I like G enormously and what we've been doing. He is a handsome, intelligent, humorous man. He is gentle and conscious, as much as is possible in stages. But importantly he is working at consciousness and mindfulness. He is considerate and generous with time and money, despite his financial status. How anyone can afford to shop at Waitrose is beyond me. I feel a cheapskate and plebby really only affording Lidl's. However, Lidl's is okay. And whilst they are less concerned with packaging and perfectly shaped, coloured fruit and veg, their produce is probably no better grown. It's just more polished to convince people they are buying healthier. A lot of people buy healthier in this image but don't actually eat healthily or look after their bodies other than what they purchase. That's ironic.
Anyway, there is a lot of talk between us. I love that G introduces me to new topics and interests. Anyone that knows me well will know that that is the most intoxicating aphrodisiac for me. Alongside humour. He is charming is many ways. I like that. But boy he's angry too. He talks of meditation nd becoming conscious. But also in opposition to my desire to head towards forgiveness and love for example with my dad, I think I understood that he wants to hold onto the anger towards his neglectors and abusers. What a bloody world this is. When I listen to his story I am so sad and angry for him.

This was unfinished writings but complete in the sense things have moved on since then (added 21 Oct)
Bliss
XX 

Slurry slurry sleep

Well good day.
What a week!
Yesterday I attended the FA meeting in Abcurch Street. St Mary's Church actually. A beautiful church apparently designed by Sir Christopher Wren if I remember correctly. I met with H who has been visiting from Melbourne Australia. She was here for her Step 5. We share the same sponsor.
after the meeting and lunch with everyone we went off to the National together, H and I. She chose the impressionists. It was good actually to visit again and take even more in. Nothing is done I realise. H studied art history for her degree. How lucky she was. I want to study art history at some point. She was saying that the impressionists were not friendly with each other. How sad.



Pisarro - Boulevard Montmartre at Midnight.

The Van Gogh paintings were stupendous brought to life through another persons eyes. I wish I was an origicnal viewer but I am appreciating the enlightenment through someone else's experiences. She stopped and looked deeply at the paintings. The sunflowers were striking. The thickness of the paint making them seem all the more real and dense with aliveness. I wanted to touch them. And the Wheatfield - well it was sawaying and the sky swirling. I bought a copy but it's so flat. No screen or copy can actually reporoduce what I saw and felt in the presence of the real thing.

Van Gogh - Wheatfield with Cypresses.

There were so many I truly loved. It was better seeing just this one section although over several rooms. It was easier to digest more. I think A and I did too much but am glad to have been able to go back. I should just keep going to the National. G said he'd quite like to go as well.

The evening with G was tumultuous for me. It seems that when I express my thoughts and machinations I communicate it in such a way that it feels accusational to G. I want to be aware of his sensitivity. I want to talk too much maybe, share my insecurities too much? Who knows. My first insecurity rush was when he was talking about his visit with Mrs E. I realise he is very attached. It seemed more so than ever having had a pleasant visit with her. Probably that feeling was lingering when after sex I noticed a change in him. He wasn't looking at me in the same way. I felt scared and expressed my fear as best as I knew how. It seems he was feeling the villain. This was a sensitive time as with his issues with sex and mine too there was always room for danger. I have such strong feelings for him now. Yes already. I feel love and terror of his withdrawal from me now as I will hurt incredibly. It is possible of course. The risk I take. And of course all too soon I am sure some FA'ers will say. The difficulties are evidence of that perhaps. But I wonder if it's possibly the best thing that could happen to me and it's too difficult to let that pass me by. All his eagerness though cannot be sustained on the passion alone. He will not want to work because of him and yesterday or Friday I can't remember which he was wanting to because he was feeling eager. He wants to tell Mrs E the truth. He says whatever happens between him and I he will tell her. I was worried that this was also in the newness and eagerness. But as that enthusiasm wanes will he still want to. I have such negative thinking. It's very hard to separate the truth from the then made up truth in my had. My thinking is loaded with negative expectations. And I see clearly where the drive is from. My flipping childhood and ensuing experiences. It is my belief from experiences that men have their satisfaction and then withdraw. When they are wanting then they promise the earth and mean it. Later they withdraw all of that but in the meantime I am hopeful and adoring and waiting for their promises to be met.
I think I distort everything too. Maybe not everything but some things.
We are two very fragile children meeting in a grown up world.
It ended last evening with G unable to say whether he was staying or not. He wasn't able to reassure me and I wanted reassurance that he loved me and wasn't leaving me and also I wanted holding. Later we cuddled and then had sex again. He believes that the negative spell has been broken. I wanted to take that slowly in case he puts pressure on himself again.
Gosh it was up and down. It feels really tentative. I am not sure if I can take the ups and downs but also don't want it to finish. Part of me thinks he should sort out his situation with Mrs E, tell her and see if it's truly worth it. I don't want to be the other woman in any shape or form. I want to be his number one woman. I think he said I am. The point is there is a part of him that is emotionally engaged there. He didn't tell her yesterday and there is no time limit when he will. I wonder if he ever will. I am not sure how long I want to wait. I will go along with this for now. As for the issues I have with sex and love, well I don't know if he wants to deal with that with his own issues with sex and love. He said I need a rock. He is not it. I just needed his help in that moment. He was unable to offer it straight away and then I wonder if what was offered later on was real. The doubts and the negative thinking. And all probably being fuelled by our extreme tiredness. We are crazy kids staying up until the early hours of the morning. This morning it was about 5 am.
I still have not completed my assignment. And I'm back to work tomorrow. I do not want to return to work. It's just her and I as S is away herself now. I hear the noise pollution just thinking of the office. The great news I am off again in the middle of November - for a exam! And then hopefully I finish on 18th December. I start my new job with P on the 1st January. I am very much looking forward to that.
With G for me when its good its great! When its difficult I am in turmoil. If I were to say that I feel it's so fragile right now he might be on the run. I need guidance and don't have that fully at the moment  because I am not speaking with any FA'ers about it.
I need support. At least I told H and it was very interesting when she asked me how I am experiencing Step 3 in this. I think it's on many levels. But what I see clearly si the dishonesty. I am not being honest and handing it over. By that I mean I am not being honest with my sponsor for fear that she will not wish to work with me. I value her input on my recovery and would like her to support this journey I want to embark upon. I would be tentative in being honest with her all the way down the line for fear of her thinking "I told you so" or along those lines with every difficulty. But I so think this is my experience of not trusting in God. God please help me to be entirely honest with her. I need her to know everything.
I can start by calling her and asking if she would be prepared to continue sponsoring me if I were to enter in this relationship with G. Eyes wide open wth lots of issues between us but feeling worthe the effort to explore. What if it's the best thing that could ever happen to me? I know there is the alternative of waiting and seeing in October next year. And if he really does love me then he would be prepared to wait. It's already gone beyond that now though. I have invited him in and she needs to know that. It's wither right in now or right out I guess. It's moving fast. I think he feels trapped a little.
That's what I feel about the real world suddenly being involved. We have had a week of Disneyland really. I have done nothing but focus on him and vice versa.
Anyway Step Three - I am not handing over to God that alternative option. To wait. If I take the commitment and hand it over to God then I don't get what I think I want right now. God is this the right path to follow. Please show me. Was yesterday a taster of how things can go badly between us. Are you showing me just how ready I am not? God please show me clearly and this may mean the hurt stepping in I guess as G steps out maybe. Gosh I so don't want that.
Are you showing me things that I am choosing to ignore, such as the trip to Haslemere when he became anxious and angry and looked unattractive in his feelings. Then showing me the handsome free version too. And then the fragility and withdrawal - are you showing me something about him or me that should not continue but will? And the situation with Mrs E. This is you showing me something too? Please God help me see through my selfish wants, my self-will.
On the otherhand it's not wrong. I seem to choose the rocky paths. I learn from them I suppose each time but maybe not the greater picture? Is there more to learn by not entering into this? I suppose there's more room to focus on just me instead of me in a relationship. He's prepared to go to Relate sometimes. I am prepared to go too. It would be helpful to have someone hear the individual negativity. I am not very good at making myself clear as I become accusational in my defensiveness. My Fear is enormous. My lack of trust is enormous. God help me to believe and trust.
So I am in Step Three but my experinece is the difficulty of truly handing everything over. I get confused with thinking that means doing it someone else's way. That is another humans ideas. I can see the point of handing the food over to the FA way. But as I think about it is only an idea which so far is working for me. My weight is stabilising and I feel better about my body than I have ever felt. I know it will still be the same tomorrow so long as I stick with the food plan given to me by my sponsor. Now why do I trust that as gospel and not the commitment to no relationships until my AWOL has finished? I heard that said in the tape I was listening to. She did take on the suggestion not to make the change she wanted to make with her relationship.  So did K. I haven't. It's a sign I suppose just how compelling this relationship desire is for me. Meet a man I like and I want him. Bugger the commitment I made. Is this addiction? And how to find out what is addiction and not in the same way with the food. Approaching this in a balanced measured way. Food is necessary a relationship isn;t for survival. G saw that last evening. He mentioned the withdrawal of alcohol but the difficulty with food. He was touching on that relationship addiction thing. Where is the intimacy when there's addiction at play? Is it addiction or is it real? My feelings appear real to me. I want to beliee everything he says is truth and real.
Phew it's complex. I am in a whir. I am scared he's going. I am scared it's purely addiction and lust in me or in him. God is this a sign to follow the rocky or apth or leave it now. You are giving me choices. The step three then comes back to handing it all over to You and that means honesty with my sponsor and other FA'ers.
God guide me please. Thank you.
Bliss
XX

ps - amidst all of this would you believe it CY sends me a text with Steve Harley lyrics -
"Don't you know, life gets tedious enough
Without this extra grudge to bare"

Now I was aware it was lyrics and found the song. But I wondered why out of the blue and when entering into another relationship this should happen. I was tempted to reply but haven't. I wanted him to know I found the lyrics but in such a way he thought I was a musical genius to know. I would ahte it if G was responding to something so potentially tempting and loaded witha  torrid past however fast and furious it was.  Uh uh. I do not want that at all.
I value G and I see his vulnerability and love that in him as much as it can also trigger difficulties for me. I am afraid thought that it is his vulnerability that has made ne feel safe and when not vulnerable I feel scared to death. Scared he is going with his confidence in tact. What about me me me?



The entire song ...
Mr. Soft, turn around and force the world

To watch the things you're going through

Mr. Soft, believe everything they tell you

And be dammed if they'll thank you

You paint everything so cruel,

Coming on like Mr. Cool;

Paint your face and shut the gate,

No one's coming home till late

Don't you know, life gets tedious enough

Without this extra grudge to bare

You, so slow, shift your ideas, make your mind up

In a jiffy, let' s be fair

We'll be taking off tonight,

Turn off your eyes and shut the light,

You're the most, you're so unreal,

We'd all be dead without your spiel!

Mr. Soft, go to town and bring the dawn in,

In the morning on your way

Mr. Soft, put your feet upon the water

And play Jesus for the day

You begin to hear them mumble,

Spot the Starman, rough-and-tumble,

Fight the good fight, sling your axe,

Watch the speaker lead the packs
 

Wrestling with friendship

A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not so certain at this moment in time how this quote links with friendships. Especially after this past week of difficulty with a friendship I value greatly. I am seeing less of a need to reference individuals these days. I will leave past posts as they are because they show my journey I think. But today there is no need to talk about a specific individual. It is suffice to say that I know this friendship is of great value to me. I have had a week of fluctuating feelings in this friendship. I have fragile and faulted and fazed within this friendship.
Initially I felt blamed and at the end of anger. It seemed that I was being accused and I really don't think it was all my issue. But what I did was to defend myself. Defending against what? Against feeling faulty and damned. And ultimately against the withdrawal of this valued friendship and then the feelings of rejection and abandonment. The fear of fear itself. Because if abandoned this meant I was a bad person, unlikeable, and left bereft of all the things I valued.
The contention started in an email. Well to be honest it started some time ago. I've felt something between us but it kept going unverbalised. I didn't know what to say so ignored it.Most of the time there was no issues on my part so there was nothing to ignore. But I felt something.
I defended myself in an email - here are my words (I won't be publishing my friends words). It's interesting though how through talking this through I've grown and got more clarity and my opinions have altered on some matters.

Well I hear you. You seem frustrated with me and if that's the case it was not my intention. Quite the opposite. I do read your texts and may not always completely absorb all the detail. Also did not think you were silly I just feel pushed away. I know you've felt that by me especially with SL and JH. I'm not proud of that I must say. Everything changes that's for sure. I'm adjusting to differences, our circumstances have altered course and with it the amount of available time. It does not mean my friendship for you is any less. Quite the opposite. Maybe sometimes I don't show it in my actions all the time but I value you as a person and in my life very much indeed. I have felt incredibly close to you and don't like it when there is a whole bundle of other life things between us so it felt sad to me when you raised the matter of changes. What I heard is that it's how you want it to be. And maybe it is. I'm accepting of it as gradually I change around it. It used to be very easy for me to just change direction completely in such circumstances but in the last 10 years I've been more interested in looking after things I value and that means showing up despite my
fear of rejection. So unless you or any other friends I value were to say "go away" I will show up. I recognise differences in the way we all do things and do just carry on being the way I am just working on changing the bits I don't like. And being more nurturing rather than bitter towards myself on my imperfections. That doesn't mean I'm not sorry when my imperfections impact negatively on other people especially those I really care about. I may have read too harshly into your text. It seems as if you're pretty upset with me. If you are I'm sorry. Your texts and emails mean a lot to me. Sometimes I'm hectic and don't read them fully that's true. I tend to tell you if I haven't had a chance to read them though. Just to try and communicate genuinely. M you matter and as my friend I don't like to think of you feeling depressed or in any sort of pain emotional or otherwise. So really I'm just wanting to show I care and be supportive. If my way of doing that isn't right for you let me know. I'll continue being me otherwise and that can be clumsy and awkward sometimes. Hopefully you can forgive me that as I learn along the way.
Hmmm overall I am OK. Able to enjoy the weekend separating myself from my stress with the work environment. I am very contemplative of every detail of interactions and thoughts. Sort of super aware. I like it but also aware that it's needs balancing. I recognise how it escalates and can be destructive. And yet I really like the sense if being alert and conscious. Also writing writing writing. Reading reading reading, arting arting arting ( I know that's not a verb but it just seems to fit :0 )
S'ton emailed saying they are doing some number crunching so will get back to me - its not a no. Suddenly it's quite scary. Interesting how the idea of ending a job and starting another is more and more challenging whereas in previous times it was just what I did. I know underneath there was terrible fear ( in hindsight) but just did it anyway using external props of course.
Do you mind my emails and texts? Wasn't sure if your comment meant anything more. I am concerned for you - you are my friend and just would like to keep the contact if that's OK. And to know if there's anything I can do? Just want you to know I'm a friend out here who cares despite all my own shit and good stuff going on. Sending a hug and live and hoping any depression or darkness lifts or has lifted

An email response was received

Hello
Yes I've received and read it. All sorts of emotions rose and fell as I read it. Sometimes feeling indignant, sometimes sad, sometimes smiling affectionately and sometimes confused. And other feelings too already forgotten or not knowing the word labels for them. And also very thankful for your honest thoughts.

One thing I would really lie to convey is that I have never, ever been friendly or acted out of a sense of duty. You truly are my friend. You are one of my best friends if not my best friend. When I'm with you it's so easy. You inspire me and I love laughing with you. I think we've had some interesting and fun adventures of varying degrees and I think we've been through a lot together - your life, my life and joint lives. I would always want to support you in what you want to do and not impose me on that.

Over the years it is increasingly obvious that there is no one to blame in any shifting dynamics between two or more people. Each person brings themselves to the relationship and each person therefore has an impact on others. Not rocket science I know.

Yuch yes I have spent many occasions in the past bad-mouthing someone or casting aspersions which of course is all about making myself feel better. It's an ugly trait and something I continuously work on. Usually after some time I see through the situation and get to the point where I can take ownership. K is one of those situations. When she needed people most people were finding it the hardest time to support her. And yet lots of her friends kept showing up despite their difficulties. Barely knowing her I was surprised at how friendly and open she was with me and in hindsight very honoured. Another person has been Sam. I was very hurt by S on more than one occasion and wrongly or rightly need someone to share that with. I believe that it is important to be able to sound off with a trust that I will gradually work through any issues I have with people. I would be very cautious who I speak to about any interactions and attempt more often to be honest with the person directly. Sometimes I need some cooling off time to get to that point and some brainstorming is necessary. As I am growing I am less likely to cast aspersions even with someone like my dad. I have been blaming of L at work but at the same time I see a good person and can acknowledge that too. i am less likely to blame her now and own that I find her way is crazy-making for me. I try more and more to understand that there is no right or wrong. However, people's behaviours do have impacts on me.
Thank goodness I can make amends as well. And I try to implement these by firstly making changes in the way I am - behaviour, attitude, thinking, beliefs. Only then am in a position to say that I'm sorry and that's because I really mean it.
Some people though it's possible to turn up for less often. And this is an area still where I'm confused. It is my desire to be able to be friendly with everyone I encounter in life. To be able to work through my issues with them. Sometimes it is vindicating to know that it is not just me because all too readily I turn to my default of self-hatred and think I am the problem.
Instead it is important to know that each person plays their part. I do think though there are those people with a mal-intent. And is it better to avoid them completely? I am not sure. So long as I keep my faith and strength I think it is possible to find a way through any interaction and be loving and caring.

I appreciate your honesty. It is only with this that there is any chance to work through things.

Right now LouLou is really desperate for the outdoors and doing smelly farts. So I will continue when I return.

An email was received

OK Home again. And LouLou's fed and watered. And my dinner eaten too.

Just had a call with my dad. Unsurprisingly hurtful. And yet again I forgot to prepare myself. Phew it's all too easy to take it personally. He is the way he is and I can find it very difficult and hurtful. It's a wonder I haven't learnt not to be so sensitive around him but the only way I have been able to do that of course is to desensitise and that's been damaging too. So Right now I feel hurt and sad and let down. It hurts in my heart. It will pass just as it did after meeting him a couple of Saturdays ago. I really forget to call out to prepare myself each time. It's amazing to have such a short memory. I can sit and calm now and writing helps. All sorts of ways to find the grace and serenity again. He is a strange fellow in many ways. Apparently there is something medically wrong. He told me that but then refused to say anymore saying that it's private and he wouldn't be telling me how he gets on tomorrow at the hospital either. It's frightening for me. I am afraid of his death. And grief stricken for the years of nasty distance between us. I am reminding myself that it's OK to be hurt and sad and heart-broken. It is part of allowing myself to be who I am.

As far as I'm concerned the friendship I have with you is really important. You matter to me and whenever I call/text/email or ask how you are it's because I mean it. Nothing I do is ever meant to cause you anger upset or hurt. I do make mistakes. I accept that for you the friendship has been changing. You are family to me. As I've always said my home is your home and that has never changed. I encounter other people in my life sure as I go along the journey but that never undermines that you are a top importance to me. Did I really say I don't do best friends? I don't recall. I think it's difficult to have one best friend.  I have a number of friends that I would call best friends and each of you has wonderful qualities bringing different things to me. You always inspire me. I am constantly amazed by what you achieve and you bring newness to me too. I remember learning that SH could not be everything to me and not wanting suddenly to be everything to him. I was overjoyed that he could have different friends and I was learning how to support his choices. This was a big step for me. Perhaps I don't always show just how much you mean to be and I'll be more mindful. I've not ever been very good at knowing how to manage invites from others and how to include everyone. It seems I tend to think very much singularly. A thought just came to me on that matter wondering if that's anything to do with being a single child?? Maybe, difficult to know.
As for saying we hope we didn't take you for granted. Again I don;t recall saying those words. What I do recall is that I always have had a sort of open house policy for you. No one else has ever had that. And I think you have suggested to me in the past that it would be nice to be invited. This is a difference i us as the invitation is a permanent one - whether for lunch dinner or staying for as long as you need. Sometimes I'm busy of course so it's not possible. I haven't been good at practising that differently. I sort of think if I'm doing something and you'd like to come then you would be able to ask me. It's not anything hidden in that purely genuine. Yesterday I mentioned to an FA person I was going to gallery after the meeting - I was amazed that someone would want to come out with me but chuffed when they asked if they could join me. It's sort of the same with you - I never imagine you'd want to spend time with me doing the things that I do but if you do want to I'm absolutely delighted. I love being in your company.


For me the circumstances may have altered because of our mutually busier lives. But also the depth of my friendship for you and like and love have not altered. I think great friendship cuts across time and distance and differences. I think you are saying a similar thing. Friendships evolve and trust develops. I have felt more and more comfortable that whatever you are doing and wherever you are or whatever you are doing that we you will be my friend. I hope it will feel like that for you too.
I have fantastic examples of that too with R and L and many other friends from the past who have come back into my life.
I recently have enjoyed re engaging with K. All these years of differences have just fallen away. There are enormous differences in our values and similarities in other areas. Of great value is knowing each other from the age of 11 and having many shared experiences. It easy to find ways through situations when two people care and matter. So I am changing my behaviour as a show of my sincerity and making amends. I know that I have been remiss with her.
I have been a very unwell person in my mental illness for a very long time and know without doubt I have done a lot of things that will have hurt people. This includes my dad too. Despite all the difficulties I have with him I am not at all proud of the ways in which I've behaved. More and more as I awaken from the depths of everything I see more and more. Everyone has their part to play and I'm learning to be acceptant and understanding without any grievance or grudge and that includes against myself too.

So,  I have taken on board as much as I can from what you've said. I'm bound to make mistakes and over-relate or not fully comprehend all of your messages. Sure you'll make mistakes too and I am sure to get upset or angry at times but I think I know you well enough to know that it'll pass by and can be at ease.

In terms of the request for feedback. I have no recollection of any expectation. Unlike you I don't have a memory like an elephant and sure do remember things with a lot of stuff in between. At the same time any opinions shared are bound to evoke thoughts and feelings as well.
I have no residual hard feelings. I am not harbouring any resentments at all.
I recall you commenting on me less available at the time I was ensconced in SL and JH. Maybe I've over remembered that. It was helpful actually. Even though not immediately. What I'd like is to be consistently me within all my friendships even though me is changing and growing hopefully. It hurts to think that you think you are only a convenience to me. There have been times recently when I purposefully didn't call as you had said you had your head in books. There were times when I was pacing the floorboards wanting to call but thinking you had said you were so busy and stressed. I think sometimes I am afraid of upsetting you and perhaps I should stop over thinking that.

I learnt how upset I was that I' hurt you by being less available. And even more concerned that having brought it to my attention at the time there are other situations that were worse experiences for you.
It sounds as if I've hurt you so much. And that really pains me in my heart to know. I cannot make you trust me or know that my friendship really is very deep. Obviously my actions do not convey that to you. I don't really know how to be different. This is me. I am genuine but only I know that.

I am who I am faults and all. And I guess it's just two people with our different backgrounds having different interpretations on things. I don;t see me as right or wrong or vice versa. By this it does not mean I abscond from responsibility or how you feel as a result of my ways mistakes or not.

As for my friendship with A. It does somehow feel awkward. I've known Abigail some years and feel very honoured that she and her mum include me in their family. I am slowly getting to know R. It's odd though as she has been a client and her good friend was a client. She is my friends sister and I've never really known how to deal with the whole sibling relationship situation. So to date R is someone I am friendly with but I don't consider someone I sit and talk things through or share my life experiences with. Sometimes she is there but mainly I listen to her.
And as for people I meet in FA and AA these days I am practising being more discerning. I have a number of best friends - friendship does require effort. And there is little room for developing effort to the extent of pursuing anything deep with people. I'm sure as time goes on there will be one or two people who will become more friends than fellows. I do not make any distinction apart from right at this moment there are lots of people I am friendly with but not friends and like yesterday would even do something outside of the FA room with if the occasion arose spontaneously like that. Going up to the meeting I often travel with someone who gets on the train at Guildford. This is all new for me. Learning discernment and timeliness instead of gushing. And there have been disastrous effects by getting overly involved simply or the common denominator of being in the same fellowship. Equally some really wonderful friendships have developed from adverse situation R and A are two as we were all in the crazy world of R P. However I was gushingly friendly with many others but none of those supposed friendships stuck.
You and I met through being introduced and this is another way contacts occur and evolve. Not every introduction has developed into a friendship like I have with you.

I like meeting people and I love seeing people together. As I am feeling better about myself it is somewhat easier to be amongst people although my thinking and self-hatred is the final frontier to stand between me and being at ease amongst people. However I am at ease with you and with some others too - for this I am truly grateful. It's an environment where I can just be without trying so hard. The problem is with the guard down I am bound to get it wrong.

I am writing this just revealing thoughts that are occurring to me. I am sure my opinions can be changed with different input from you. Already I have different views on things as a result of reading what you've written.

I think you may have misinterpreted me when I say easy to be around. I'm sorry it felt like a kick in the teeth. I'm not clear what you think I meant. What I mean is that with you I can be myself more easily. I can meander along chatting or find interest in what you are doing or saying. I can be how I feel a lot of the time when I'm aware what that is. Sometimes I'm a little cautious as I can get scared of upsetting you. That's my issue not yours. And so it's important to clarify any misunderstandings. It may not be how it at first appears. I mean that both ways not uni-directional.

I'm just flicking through your email again now and picking out things that you've aid that may not have been clarified on my part.
I've probably missed some things. I'm feeling quite sad now but also happy that you to value the friendship. Yes being in any kind of relationship brings it's difficulties I guess but the positive always outweigh the difficulties and makes it worth working through.
Thank you for your honesty. If ever you think I'm over-relating please tell me at that point if you can. IS it best to just quietly listen. In my job I can listen and at times interject. As just me in a personal relationship I still don;t really know how to respond to someones intense emotions. I know how I feel as I listen. What do you do to show that you acknowledge peoples feelings?

Keep the communication channels open. I appreciate it.

Oh I see an email has come in - byeeeeeeee
And I'd like you to know that I love you very much indeed.
xx
No I certainly didn't take it as a criticism. Rather I am very aware of my ability to sound off in some situations.

And thank goodness for differences - it would be rather boring if we were the same - so middle class according to Grayson Perry's findings. My interpretation not what he said. Not that I don;t think I can be middle class in ideals but in reality I am working class. I'm so bloody mixed up I have no idea who or what I am really. I am me. And that's all I need to be concerned about really.

And I really think that it is through good friendships who stick around despite all the shit that there can be learning about self. So thanks for sticking around despite all the shit and the sorrow and the fun and the laughter and the newness and the pain and hurt and the joy and the peace and calm and the past we have together and hopefully more past to be developed as we trundle off into the future.
I do know you care - as you say if it didn't matter it wouldn't hurt and if it didn't hurt we'd have parted company long ago.
You've been in my life through some really troublesome times. You've been a really good friend to me - lent me money, housed me when I really was crazy, listened and listened and listened to my endless ramblings. I think there is an element of "high" in some of those times. You've had to hear my suicidal blackness. You've had to witness my anger and my terror at times too.
You know more about me truly than anyone else in the entire universe. God poor you.

Thank you for being my friend
XXX

ps I keep receiving calls from I. Do you remember he was the therapist who there was a lot of trouble with. Due to the confidentiality I was obliged not to say anything. Police were involved. It was a very horrible time. It is now a couple of years and I've encountered him since - he was doing well at that time. I'm hoping these silent calls are an error on his part- sitting on the call button or something. But I got a blank text as well. With my slight int of paranoia right now it's a little worrying. Anyway it seems to have stopped in the last 20 minutes. It's been going on since about 6:20. I answered the first call and we have a conversation. That seemed genuine although I was slightly concerned. Since then there's been an endless stream of calls with no sound and one text that was blank. I started answering it and putting it on mute and each time it was cut off eventually then called back again. Weird shit goes down from time to time.

Another email received

Give you more credit? Oh my comments are in no way making a statement about what you think or don't think. They are merely my thoughts on this matter of friendship. I am not making any criticism of you  merely meandering around my thoughts.

It is not an email to say you re thinking any way in particular. Just picking up on things you've said and how my thoughts ebb and flow. Experiences I've had and how your friendship matters etc etc.
I hear how you tell me you are not pushing me away. I accept that. I acknowledge that things have changed but for me the depth of my friendship has not changed. I do acknowledge exactly what you say but that doesn't mean I think or feel the same way. We have different views of things and I am not saying you are right or wrong or that I am right or wrong.
I am not making a statement about you, simply putting my thoughts forward which may not agree with yours.
How can I hear you in the way you want me to hear you.
I accept that things have changed - circumstances have yes I know that they have. That means that the way in which we interact changes. But from my point of view the depth of my friendship for you hasn't altered.
Its a different thing in my book. But that doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge what you are saying.

 Prior to our lives getting more hectic I think we both had more time to be able to meet up more regularly, even talk on the phone more regularly. It's little to do with A to be honest. She has her way of living. She very kindly looks after LouLou every day. And I collect LouLou every evening. We chit chat and often walk too. It's simply a different type of connection with Abigail at this time. When I first got into recovery I had to let go of our friendship for a time. She would not believe that I was an alcoholic. She has fought against the FA stuff too but I know and can stand firm as I feel the freedom. This time I am better placed to continue to be in the friendship. I am learning and growing.

When I was with SH I would get into such trouble with him because I would spend time with friends. It would cause terrible arguments but I always battled because my friendship and commitment to my friendships mattered. He never did get over it. It was another of his reasons for wanting to split up. He could not accept that I had friends and they mattered. I was not prepared to give up on my friends. He would complain that I spoke to my friends on the phone. It was a horrible time. I on the other hand was delighted to be able to support him spending time with his friends - he took this mean that I didn't care. it was quite the opposite. I was at one time very jealous of his female friends - I worked so hard on my insecurity to be able to let go and allow him his choices. And to show trust.

I'm not awkward with A herself. There's an awkwardness about your thoughts on my friendship with A. I'm not really sure what it is. It seems to be a point of comparison or something but I'm really not sure. I will try and get some clarity when I can and try to let you know when I know.
Scared - well like I said my fears are my issues. I can't think of any specific examples right now because I'm so tired
In fact I'm so tired I think it would be sensible to go to sleep now.

Will you meet your mother? I know it's so difficult for you at times.
Not sure what to say about missing your father. It's painful I know.

Take good care of yourself especially with these strong feelings related to your parents.
Sending you my love - that's very real

Another brief email saying she wished she hadn't started all of this (can't say I blame her) was received

OK - I'm taking in what you've written.
On reflection perhaps me sharing my thoughts and feelings is an example of relating which then appears as if I'm not taking notice of what you're saying.


I will re-read your emails and take notice of your thoughts and feelings without my own getting in the way.
It may be necessary for me to clarify what I've understood when I see you.
I'm looking forward to seeing you Wed/Thurs.
As you have a key please feel free to arrive whenever suits you. Perhaps your opportunity to have a peaceful bath?

And then a long email

 Hello. Yes I read your email whilst eating my lunch.
L on hols and S off sick so work alone again.
It's hectic. Pleased that I can graciously accept this. I was fed up about it this morning but simply getting on with all that I can do. Realise how much I dislike having to let things go. A sense of letting people down and I should be able to do it all. But then I just get huffy and resentful.
Just got an hour now before another group and then a family session after work hours. Thankfully getting paid for it so it makes it easier to take on. A consequence of not recruiting and then colleagues over stretched now ill.
It's good to be able to be flexible and agreeable and humble in my behaviour and gracious in my attitude.
It's only when I get myself embroiled in my resentments that it all goes tits up!!!! I suppose I expect someone to be grateful but even that I can let go of by acknowledging it.


Anyway all this aside and the situation with my dad - I'm glad you have not buried any of your thoughts just because there are things happening in my life. There are rarely times when something isn't occurring for each of us.
I'm grateful for your openness and honesty. It gives me a lot to think on. And it's interesting hearing your ideas on my behaviour patterns. Thank you.


I read with a determined focus  on understanding how things have been for you. So hopefully I have better taken that on board. Rather than wanting to express myself. Glad you persevere with me.


Hopefully we'll get some chat time on Thursday.


Can you send me details please of the venue and times so that I can work out getting there and parking and so on.
Right. Back to work. Hopefully we'll speak before Wed or Thurs. and wait to hear whether you'll overnight or meet en route or at the venue.

And then an email with some really nice comments ...

Thank you for your text.
I am taking time to really absorb everything that you've said.
I love all the adventures we've had. I am always thrilled by the things we plan and do. It's a lot of fun.
I often think back over places, events, people etc sometimes chuckling. I regularly have watery eye chuckles at the day of laughter over Skype even though I can't remember specifically what it was about. My sides hurt and I love those shared nutty moments and memories between us. Not to mention the hours of talking things over and under, probably far too much analysis at times on my part, and all a part of my journey, with your involvement, towards enlightenment. All of these things are really meaningful to me.


So you may or may not get the general gist by reading just my thoughts and opinions. Interestingly a friend said that she saw me defending myself throughout and no certainty about myself at all. It was as a result of this conversation combined with another FA call that I came to realise that my depth of friendship and my loyalty to the friendship is strong. I am a loyal friend but I am full of defects. Which means that I make mistakes but never with the intention of causing harm. In further discussions including this point it became apparent that this might have been perceived as an excuse linked with perceptions of family members in her past using similar statements. I was very clear that it is no way an excuse not to make changes and to ignore the impact of of my mistakes and how my friend was feeling. I have reiterated that I value the communications because that's the only way I can learn how I impact on other people - even though at times it's difficult to hear. Once again I have learnt the importance to listen and observe. There isn't always a need to say anything. I can ask questions as a way of acknowledging what I've heard or by summarising to make sure that's a correct understanding. Counselling techniques are really just effective ways of communicating in general relationships too. It was said that I do not share my own feelings about being on the receiving end of her. I said that I have been sharing my thoughts and feelings throughout and she said perhaps she is not recognising them clearly. So again I can try to be more open and honest. It's interesting how closed I come across to her. I wish to open that up and ensure that it is a two-way friendship. It is ever evolving that's for sure.
Through the week we have talked more and more and I think I have listened better. I hope so at least.
I noticed when she said she feels jealous of my interactions with others I felt afraid that she would punish by withdrawing. My fear of having other friends then becomes silence. I think she was recognising her behaviour in that herself without me needing to verbalise my fear. She said that in a childish way her jealousy becomes her not giving of herself either to avoid being hurt. So together we have covered a lot of ground and together we have a lot of growing up in the friendship to do. I think she will feel glad that she has raised the issues and there is a humility I can choose to hold on to that I hadn't needed to but there is the ego in me the pride that says why didn't I raise things first. Well to this point I haven't known what it was or what to say. So it's OK.
God help me to be wise within this friendship and to be open and honest with discretion, compassion and love. There is peace and fun to be had together. I want to show how much I value my friends in my actions. Thank you God for bringing this to me and for now showing me how to grow as a good friend.

Oh and the link with the quote. I recognise I can worship the idea of friendship for selfish reasons. For the reason of the fear of being alone and without and lacking in fun and inspiration. Yet this has never ever been the case. When I worship friendship rather than the person I cannot be wholesome and this is something I wish to move away from, so help me God. With God's grace I am learning and growing and becoming a better friend, Thank You God.
So yes I see that my determination to keep the friendship determines how I can be manipulative and secretive and fundamentally very self-centred. I wish to change, it's ugly. What I sow I reap as another quote says. And I become what I worship - in this case and idea only, not something at all real.
Value rather than worship. Value the person not the want.

Bliss
XX

An article taken from this Blog - http://blog.melschwartz.com/2010/06/03/who-am-i/?goback=%2Egmr_2316564%2Egde_2316564_member_126718945

Who Am I?

Posted on June 3, 2010 by Mel Schwartz

This question — asked so often — suggests that there is actually a plausible answer. Almost as if our being were a fixed thing. People who ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of themselves. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more fragile you are likely to feel about yourself. There may be an inverse correlation between the question being asked and the ease with which you experience your life. The emphasis shouldn’t be on discovering who you are (what is buried beneath) but on facilitating the emergence of what you’d like to experience.

Our identity should be seen as an ongoing process. Rather than a static snapshot, we should embrace a flowing sense of self, whereby we are perpetually re-framing, re-organizing, re-thinking and re-considering ourselves. How different would life be if rather than asking who am I, we contemplated how we’d like to engage life?

A sense of inadequacy often informs the question around “who am I?” As people engage the deepening complexity of understanding themselves, they would fare much better to devote themselves to the unfolding process of life. Witnessing our thoughts, not reacting out of old habit, and becoming present enable us to better craft our lives. As such, the identity that we seek fires the wave of life, enriched by the flow.

Imagine that you’ve been in prison for twenty years, incarcerated since the age of eighteen. You literally have no adult life experience outside of the penitentiary. Your sense of self is tragically limited. You might ask yourself, “Who am I? This would likely provoke a fragile sense of self that paradoxically might leave you most apprehensive about your imminent release. You’d hardly choose to remain imprisoned until you could find your identity. You’d have to permit that new sense of self to flow from your new experiences.

I have worked with people who have been married more or less for their entire adult lives. Upon divorce they are often confronted with a distressing thought. They claim that they don’t know who they are. More to the point, they may not know who they are as a single, autonomous adult, not partnered. After all, how could they? Rather than remaining mired in fear, you’d need to summon up a sense of wonder and adventure. There is a new sense of self waiting to be born. You get to re-craft yourself along the way.

At the other end of the identity continuum are those who claim to know themselves so well. This other extreme also signifies a fragility about one’s identity. To know yourself so well, leaves no room for growth. Even more, it suggests a deep vulnerability that is being defended against — as if it were too dangerous to take a closer look.

It makes perfect sense to seek a deeper sense of self. To become intimately aware of your thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears is obviously advisable. The key is to engage your sense of self as malleable, more like a willow tree than a sturdy oak. The willow is flexible and survives the storm as it bends with the wind, whereas the more rigid oak is more likely to crack.

The universe purportedly exists in a state of flowing potential. And it is essential to understand that we are indeed part of that universe. The goal then is to access that potential, keeping the parts of our identity that continue to serve us well and shedding the old, habitual pieces that constrain us. This process is known as positive disintegration. This permits us to find balance between the extremes previously discussed and enter into a relationship with self that commits to our personal evolution.

And some of my ow meandering throughts ...

I thought this was a well considered opinion of the concept of learning about self.

I agreed with the idea of the willow tree. Getting to understand myself in the varied situations life brings is important I believe. Forever taking steps to bring to my consciousness my motives, my emotions, my thoughts, my beliefs and questioning those too. Being curious for the purpose of obtaining THE knowledge reminds me of the oak tree referred to. It's too rigid, no flexibility, no give, no humanness. Curiosity though can be wonder and awe. Curiosity killed the cat they say, but curiosity can also be a useful contributor in creating awareness and providing newness and adaptability. Taking a moment to assess my inquisitive agenda is a useful tool.

Then I begin to see who I am rather than s who I am.

I also like the suggestion that who I am is informed by who I've been. This can be limiting in itself and so the positive thinking about every new experience being and adventure and an opportunity can relieve me from the constant fear I live in. Yet I have the desire for adventure and new experiences. There is a big wide world out there but there is a bigger world inside that often goes unexplored. For every situation wouldn' it be fun and interesting to take a look inside and experience both simultaneously. I have thrilling moments of self awareness. A real sense of "oh, that's why", when I really sense the something inside coordinating with the something outside.

And the idea that who I am is ever shifting according to the current environment. But to know that my perception is influenced from experiences from the past. And each of those experiences has been guided by my perspectives from before that and so on. I truly believe that my sense of the world, everything and everyone in it starts at conception. Sameroff's Transactional Analysis applies from that very moment. He attempts to present a simple model of the complexity of being a being on this complex and delicate interconnections of this planet. How awesome is that? I get an acceptation of the magnitude of the Universe. Al the energies flowing and complimenting or contrasting or conflicting. When I can go with the flow of that i realise I don't need to understand, it just is and I am simply a part of "it" all. The problem arises when I am afraid and want to know absolutely. When I want certainty. When I am desiring to know then there is likely to be fear. I can take a look at the fear the more conscious I become. And then I have the chance to go through the fear. I can accept it as a part of who I am. Like the prisoner stepping out of prison for the first time in 25 years. It must be a terrifying experience. I suppress that fear for the fear of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of. That's my experience somehow of being vulnerable. I can look back and see how situations thought my childhood development have contributed to that perception that the unknown is frightening. Equally I can see the influence on my need to cover up vulnerability. And that is no ones, absolutely no one, fault. Each of us throughout the generations are simpy trying to do our best but we are defective and that's that. I have some understanding of why my dad behaved in the way he did and still does. He has to cover his vulnerability. When I've stopped to listen to his stories of his own past, his experiences taught him to find coping strategies that were probably taught to him and taught from the previous generation and the generation before that and so on. The lessons get distorted and contorted and adapted to the current social influences no doubt. The end result is in my behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and emotions today. What I can do is sift out what is actually not working anymore and with help learn new ways of being that are more conducive to who I want to be.

And this is where I like the idea in the Blog that as I become more conscious I am better able to choose who I would like to be and explore within the situation how I can achieve that.

Just some ideas from the armchair, theory is great but action is the evidence of knowledge, that I thought I'd share with you. I would be very interested to know what your interpretation of this might be if you feel so inclined to share them with me.

Bliss

XX

On being alone - Ascension day

I loved hearing this yesterday morning. It was a moment of reflection on the matter of aloneness. I resonated strongly with that inner peace of aloneness but was also reminded how much of my time I have rebuked that notion and despaired for someone to fill what can feel like a chasm. The work in progress is how I am a little more comfortable with aloneness and less lonely. The longing diminishes ever so slightly. Thank you God. I suppose, according to the story of Jesus of Nazareth, the misunderstandings and inexperience are essential. I try to reconcile why? Why did God not give all knowledge from the offset, do away with pain and difficulties from the very beginning. Is this though the spiritual growth, the journey, the river, the road to Nirvana or Ascension? Our personal evolutionfrom undeveloped brain to eventual all knowledge at death. That makes sense to me since learning knowledge about development of humans and the brain.mans have developed areas of the brain beyond those of other creatures. We have technically the same brain stem as that of ancient species such as the crocodile. But we have also evolved beyond that. The miracle. God's gift? Chicken and egg, what came first? Did something kick in meaning we could consciously start experiencing so that we could then develop brain to create more room for conscious experiences? With consciousness comes misunderstandings or confusions and a desire to know more and so more experiences bringing more misunderstandings.

For whatever reason I am where I am in the greater scheme of the Universe. It feels very difficult and frightening when I don't understand and don't know what to do or how to be. But my faith is growing. Especially as I learn how to do things differently and feel the serenity coming back. And in my aloneness I am certainly experiencing life. What is wonderful is that I can share my misunderstandings and inexperience with friends like you and draw from your experience and thoughts. Then my aloneness can remain as bliss and peace and loving and truthful and wise. The pain of loneliness is removed and with it fear can go too.

I embrace being alone more and more but love that we are alone all together. Thank you for being a part of my togetherness, my experience and my misunderstandings.

"When I walk my dog early in the morning in the park, there are very few other people about. A few joggers, other dog walkers, the odd party goers recovering from a heavy night.
On Sunday morning though, I found myself surrounded by 15,000 people in pink who had taken part in a moonlit marathon walk in aid of a breast cancer charity. For me, it was the beginning of my day; for them it was the end of an arduous but by the looks of it enjoyable fund raising walk through the night. The sense of solidarity was palpable; women and men congratulating each other, relieved, emotional, some with the picture or the name of the person they were remembering on their tee-shirts.
Coming together and doing something is a powerful way of facing some of life’s toughest circumstances. In the midst of illness, bereavement, addiction or debt, meeting others and communicating with them about how it feels, what it’s like, for many is a step forward in a situation that is frightening and debilitating.

In the current economic circumstances, painful stories are emerging about people feeling acutely lonely against a high background count of anxiety about how to pay the next bill; hearing endless worrying news about Greek debt, banks not lending enough to small businesses and the stubbornly rising youth unemployment that threatens a European generation. The solidarity provided by food banks, debt counselling groups and night shelters in these circumstances can be a lifeline when you realise it’s not just you.
But today Christians face another equally profound truth; that while of course we are interdependent on one another and on the planet’s resources; while we unavoidably live in community, there is always a part of us that lives inside, alone. Today is Ascension Day; the poetic, sometimes comically portrayed way that the Bible has of saying that Jesus of Nazareth doesn’t stay around forever – but leaves; leaves his companions to get on with it, with all their misunderstandings and inexperience. That small group of men and women changed the world.
There is a paradox about Ascension Day which is to say that one of the most powerful ways of combating the loneliness of isolation is to make our peace with the fact that we are, in common with everyone else, alone. There are unfathomable depths within you and me; wisdom that has come with the years, resilience that has grown with our experience. It may seem unrealistic to talk about hopeful determination when there is so much to feel anxious about. But Ascension Day suggests that it is possible to find when we have made our peace with God in the reality that we live together alone."