I called my dad on the way home. He asked if I was home but alas I was in the car having completed a family session and finished late. When, however, I did get home and opened the door there was an envelope there, my dad's handwriting. I knew it was money. I had an itchy right hand earlier in the day. Right for receive, left for lose. He had sent me £100 and a little note saying
Bliss
A little towards your expenses.
Love Dad xx
I will keep the note. When a person dies there is no longer any handwriting.
I feel sad. I felt sad as I left work. I've been feeling as if I've been crying for the past few days. It's the physical feeling I've had even though I haven't actually been crying. I just have that exhaustion as I get after sobbing and the taste int he back of the throat.
What do I feel sad about? It seems free-floating sadness and nothing to attach it to specifically.
I feel sad about the relationship with my dad or rather the lack of it. How many times will I need to write that?
And then I caught myself feeling sorry for myself. A cheque isn't what I want, it's a great relationship with my dad. And anger, a cheque doesn't make up for anything. I stopped in my tracks and thanked God for this gift and this sign that my dad loves me. I laughed at the addict in me, £100 not being enough in any shape or form.
I don't think I've mentioned difficulties with finances to him for a while so I don't feel guilty. I have emphasised time and again how hard I work. Partly I want him to approve but mainly because I get home late and he keeps moaning about never being able to contact me.
So stopping to be grateful, which I actually truly am, this £100 can go towards the service of my car which I really was worrying about how to actually afford it. Amazing that he should send this now.
I am scared of course. But also would hope for more than £100 from the Will. God! Why do I think like this. It's greed and evil.
So move away from temptation. Yes it would be wonderful if there is a reasonable inheritance for me. Of course it's far from guaranteed there will be anything for me. In fact why should there be? My dad earnt it so why shouldn't he spend it. Although he didn't earn it all and without my mum they'd have been pretty much up the Swanee without a paddle.
I'm sleepy. I haven't done much of my short story but I've lost the enthusiasm and ideas now. How fast my creativity fades.
I'm feeling inferior and let myself down when a client has stated a preference to see PD. It's amazing how quickly I can be affected. As people will already know G was becoming manic. I had pointed it out to someone. Wow I wrote those last sentences in my sleep. Amazing what comes out. G is not manic and I pointed out nothing like this.
What I was actually going to write is my inferiority. B wants to see PD when he leaves. Of course it's the right thing to do. My problem is my lack of self worth and immediately I take it that I haven't done things well enough or been proper therapist. I work very differently and yet at times similarly as PD. I have to go to sleep. I am dozing off as I write and may write all sorts of stuff that blows the cover of Step $. I hope not.
Anyway night all and sorry for the gobbledee-gook. I keep dropping off to sleep and carry on typing. Amazing.
Nighty night
Bliss
XX
Bliss
A little towards your expenses.
Love Dad xx
I will keep the note. When a person dies there is no longer any handwriting.
I feel sad. I felt sad as I left work. I've been feeling as if I've been crying for the past few days. It's the physical feeling I've had even though I haven't actually been crying. I just have that exhaustion as I get after sobbing and the taste int he back of the throat.
What do I feel sad about? It seems free-floating sadness and nothing to attach it to specifically.
I feel sad about the relationship with my dad or rather the lack of it. How many times will I need to write that?
And then I caught myself feeling sorry for myself. A cheque isn't what I want, it's a great relationship with my dad. And anger, a cheque doesn't make up for anything. I stopped in my tracks and thanked God for this gift and this sign that my dad loves me. I laughed at the addict in me, £100 not being enough in any shape or form.
I don't think I've mentioned difficulties with finances to him for a while so I don't feel guilty. I have emphasised time and again how hard I work. Partly I want him to approve but mainly because I get home late and he keeps moaning about never being able to contact me.
So stopping to be grateful, which I actually truly am, this £100 can go towards the service of my car which I really was worrying about how to actually afford it. Amazing that he should send this now.
I am scared of course. But also would hope for more than £100 from the Will. God! Why do I think like this. It's greed and evil.
So move away from temptation. Yes it would be wonderful if there is a reasonable inheritance for me. Of course it's far from guaranteed there will be anything for me. In fact why should there be? My dad earnt it so why shouldn't he spend it. Although he didn't earn it all and without my mum they'd have been pretty much up the Swanee without a paddle.
I'm sleepy. I haven't done much of my short story but I've lost the enthusiasm and ideas now. How fast my creativity fades.
I'm feeling inferior and let myself down when a client has stated a preference to see PD. It's amazing how quickly I can be affected. As people will already know G was becoming manic. I had pointed it out to someone. Wow I wrote those last sentences in my sleep. Amazing what comes out. G is not manic and I pointed out nothing like this.
What I was actually going to write is my inferiority. B wants to see PD when he leaves. Of course it's the right thing to do. My problem is my lack of self worth and immediately I take it that I haven't done things well enough or been proper therapist. I work very differently and yet at times similarly as PD. I have to go to sleep. I am dozing off as I write and may write all sorts of stuff that blows the cover of Step $. I hope not.
Anyway night all and sorry for the gobbledee-gook. I keep dropping off to sleep and carry on typing. Amazing.
Nighty night
Bliss
XX
