Committed evil doers behave toward themselves like their own worst enemies. They are like creepers that strangle the trees which support them.
Dhammapada v.162
Ajahn Munindo says ....
This verse refers to a monk who tried three times to kill the Buddha and eventually his evil actions contributed to his own death. When we betray our heart's commitment to reality, slowly but surely, we die away from the light of truth and sink into darkness. Creepers climb handsome, mature trees and sometimes strangle them to death. We can go for refuge to the Buddha yet still be taken over by upthrusts of rage. Hours, days or even years go by as we justify our hurtful actions of body or speech. When we come to see the truth of our actions, a wholesome sense of remorse arises; we genuinely wish to desist. Right action is the natural consequence.
As I was writing this, I was wondering if the misery that I feel is related to all my wrong doings? And then I wonder wrong I am doing? Then I wonder if I am just in some utter denial. I have no idea anymore. I think well maybe all my terrors from my childhood are actually made up and I am driving myself mad. Then I listen to someone talking about something and feel it in my body parts, utter disgust rises through me. SC always said listen to your body memories. They do not lie. What if they do?
But I know my dad used to touch me inappropriately and usually as if by accident, which makes me feel sick and angry to think about. And how I knew he used to watch me. He spied on me in my bedroom and in the bathroom. That mkes me sick too. Usually I could not pin him down. I felt as if I was crazy even then. Apart from the times when it was actual and phsyical, the rest of the tme it was this sort of did that really happen type touch.
So it's good to just write and remind myself of that.
What an analogy of the creepers killing the tree that sustains the creepers life. When the tree dies what happens to the creepers actually?
Rage - it needs to be worked through. Rage suggests huge emotional reactions to something. I have believed for a while now that rage suggests something that is very old and deep. More than resentment, something damaging in a way. And when I say damaged, wounds from a young age can be enormous from the very lightest of event to extreme. So when I read rage I think there is a lot of healing to do. But if the rage is recognised and heard and then contained, any potential further damage to self or others can be arrested and the healing can begin.
I am not sure what to do now my dad is contacting me more and trying to be friendlier. He asked me how I was when he called Saturday, Sunday, I can't quite remember. I said OK. I know that I do not feel safe to tell him when I am not actually OK and this weekend I was far from OK.
So it's not a real relationship. Will I ever take that risk? I am not sure. He was telling me that he had been bed-bound for a couple of days. This is very concerning as my dad is the last person to take to his bed! It is scary that now we are talking when he is getting older and more frail. 83 years of age.
How did I get to this? It was never meant to be like this! I am not sure how I envisaged my life but it certainly was not like this.
I have been thinking a lot of JH too. I know it is not right for me to contact him. He may not want to have contact with me now anyway. But my reasons are really to see if he misses me and would really like to be with me. I tell myself it's just to see how he is and we can be friends. It woiuld not be friendly of me to have contact but still be jealous of any contacts he is having and not trusting anything he says when it concerns women. That would actually be in line with the verse. It would be me who was killilng me some more. I would feel hurt and re-open the wounds because I still have feelings. It's till too soon. When it really doesn;t matter anymore will be the day I can contact. When I have boundaries in place so that it doesn't matter what JH is doing or not. Then it would be OK.
I feel less swollen or bloated today. Having said that my left wrist feels a little uncomfortable but noticed by breasts are not so swollen and that just feels easier. I am also not compelled to eat. Another bonus. And I just feel better about myself. But my thnking is still dark. I cannot see purpose for living.
Work is routine and the easiest place to be.
I feel lonely in my life. My life feels empty and pointless. This happens with too much thining.
When I look at the sky and see increible cloud formations, the wonder of this world. Beautiful artistic creations from people, people doing nice things for others, people happy (people happy can also make me feel so sad as I am not at all happy). I hope this new pills work. Because I can see no point or pourpose for living on.
Something in me wants to keep going though even though the future just looks bleak and empty. Otherwise I wouldn't keep seeking help or even bother with these pills. I have a lot invested in them.
I am holding on to the fact that I get so much delight from the universe. It doesn't seem enough. I am not sure what the hole is.....
It is almost as the road is so narrow with spiritual principles that I cannot be contained within it. I am just a bag of fear now. That is surely not how it's supposed to be. I cannot accept me as me today. I feel fat old and ugly. I have always hated myself though. Drinking, drugs, anorexia took me away from all of that and yet in the end I hated myself anyway.
I cannot see waht's wrong right ow and this is when the psych says it's the bi-polar brain chemicals. I feel fucked!!!
Going to study - goodness knows why?
I cannot make up my mind whether to afford to go to Warwick uni for the weekend in connection with my course. Or to have a day workshop with SC.
I think actually a workshop is not what I need right now - a session or two. Hopefully I can afford the weekend away?????
T leaves for Norway soon. I do not want her to go. I want to visit her sooner rather than later.
Study ...
Bliss
XX
