sensible

reflect on putting myself first
set priorities for achievements and work
sleep
eat healthily
practice saying no
exit situations that drag me down
everyone has their own HP
take responsibility
success takes effort

more needs

Talk to HP
Focus on today
Stay in present
What can I do today regarding reading and getting to know some new hopefully semi functioning people?
Talk with winners
Surprise myself

things to avoid

Comparing
Expectation

Needs to practice

Keep it in the day
Discipline
Obedience
Peace
Calmness of mind
Keep thoughts on me
Pray
A smile that never fades
Honesty that never ends
Embrace all the beauty life brings

A Prayer

Higher Power
The person reading this is beautiful.
Help them to live their life to the fullest. Please promote them and cause them to excel above their expectations. Help them shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect them at all times, lift them up when they need you the most and let them know when they walk with you they will always be safe.

My friend's thought for the day

Success is not permanent - And - failure is not final.
So - never stop working after success and never stop trying after failure.

Action not a transaction

"Mourning is an action not a transaction. It is our personal responsibility, so we do not do it with the perpetrators of our losses, including out parents. We interrupt our own healing as long as we still have to tell our parents how bad we think they were. It is, however, appropriate to ask our parents for information about what happened to us. If you do tell your parents about your grief work, be sure you are telling to share information, not trying to convince them they were wrong, hurt them, or get back at them."

First 7 days

Hello

I have completed the 7 questions today so setting my bottom and top lines. Wow. Finding it funny right now as if being told how to be yet at the same time understand that these are boundaries that will assist me.
I am sure I will find it difficult at some point very soon. Man!
If you can understand, dear Bliss, that the 3 greatest obstacles between you and the life of your wildest dreams are actually imaginary, a product of your mind alone, I do believe we'll blow the wheels clear off this popsicle stand."
Push-Ups" for everyone,
The Universe

persistent

An unmistakable trait of every true genius, Bliss, is their persistent awareness of how much more there is to know. And an unmistakable trait of every true sage is their persistent awareness of how much more there is to love.
Loving you more today than yesterday,
The Universe

Capability Time

You only ever have to do what you're capable of doing, Bliss, because by design, no matter how things appear, you'll always have enough time to do it, you'll do even better than you would have thought, and life will get even richer than you could have imagined.
Chic-a-boom,
The Universe

worth a billion

If you had been born knowing how beautiful, deserving, and important you truly are, Bliss, by this time in your life you'd probably be worth billions of dollars, have thousands of friends, and own businesses around the world, but then... you wouldn't be anything like the Bliss we know and love today.
And believe me, when I say "we," there are a lot of us.
All in favor...
The Universe

Right Questions

Can't believe I am writing this rather than doing last minute practices. This will be brief
I am so certain I am not going to be able to dot this. I had a dream about writing one essay that was OK but of course not enough to pass.
Right I will be done for by this evening - it will be finished by 615pm
Until then au revoir
Bliss
X

ps please pray for the questions to be right for the revision I have done - which is limited

Like being at a bad wedding ...

I have a cold. It's horrid. I have a sore nose, headache, no energy and hot sweats on and off. Just perfect for revision (albeit at the last minute I know).

The EM Beer and Music Fextival was a load of old rubbish. £8. I feel we have been ripped off. That included absolutely nothing. The music was less than average. The Usual Suspects - good looking saxophonist but rubbish music and not even great musicians. I couldn't do beeter but I am not putting myself out there as entertainment.

So it's not my style of music, but as S said "it's like being at a bad wedding". Know exactly what he meant.

So I am angry about having paid £8 and not got any money's worth. It could have been a good event. But really it was very unprofessionally organised. The food was expensive and nothing for vegetarians. I will make a complaint to the organisers if I can find a correspondance address. I could have gone over this morning whilst I was walking LouLou to ask who I shoudl speak with but was too scared. That's it you see I am too scared to be known as a complainer etc so I don't do it.

My dad always used to get embarrassed if my mum complained. People do seem to think it's wrong to complain. Where does all that come from. Lack of self-worth.

Right I will oook on the EM website now - and I have sent off a request for a refund for all 3 tickets. I will look forward to seeing what happens.



I will be hated amongst the villagers I am sure but I will not be supporting other events under the current circumstances



Well revision with Kerry was worrying. She has a lot more useful information embedded in her brain.

Responsibility and Rescue

Very simply, Pamela, the more that you accept responsibility for, the more power you have.
Doesn't that rock?
Love,
The Universe

As you can see I have not even started revising and it's already 10:14 am.
Wondering if C will be at the school reunion thingy on 27th The reality is I might have to choose not to go - just in case. The woman in the red dress - the killer part of this love addiction thinks this is great - more mean drama - create more intrigue and power. Oh no this is the avoidant isn't it?
Avoidant - woman in red dress, mysterious, doesn't talk about herself, hooks them in, has sex and then dumps them. She is the sexualised fury too - how does that compute avoidant and sexualised anger but it's the power I like. Yuch. Then there is the addict who appears as a rag doll tossed aside in the corner, crying, no life, no energy to even lift her head - abandoned, sad. She is considered pathetic by the lady in red.
I will write more - today has been another difficult day! Surprise surprise

Many things to write no time to tell it

Bliss, it's supposed to be easy. Everything is supposed to be easy. Everything is easy. You live in a dream world. You're surrounded by illusions. And the illusions change when you change your thinking!
Tell yourself it's easy. Tell yourself often. Make it a mantra. Eat, sleep, and breathe it. And your life shall be transformed.

It's supposed to be easy,
The Universe

Happiness first

Happiness comes first, Bliss. Partners, abundance, and cool shoes come later.
Or at least this is how I'd line up my duckies.
Ungawa -
The Universe

Holding me back

There will always be people in your life, Bliss, who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter.
You knew that,
The Universe

The Shitty Committee

I was just given that little saying "the shitty committee" made me laugh. My shitty committee, tells me I am not good, I will never meet anyone nice so accept whatever is available to you, just the fact that someone pays attention to em is all I am worth.
I was all told that we addicts keep drinking salt water when what we need is nice fresh water. We keep drinking it, it makes us thirstier and eventually sends us mad. To begin with we don;t know this, then after the denial of what's going on has broken down we can't stop not even knowing where to get the fresh water from. Hopefully we find it before it's too late and we go mad and die.

What a good analogy. I made up the bit after the initial drinking salt water when what we need is fresh water. I probably don;t need to spell that out for most people bu t for me I need to have the entire story with examples otherwise I just don;t get it - all too subtle for me.

I amf eeling ashamed today.

What if though the sexual/aggression was not triggered by being abused? What if I have made that all up? What if the wound is not made but I was born with it? Then it is all me. You see I thnk I am tryiung to balme still. But I am uncomfortable with blame as it's useless. I know intellectually it is noone's fault really. My dad has been an ill man for many years. And then the men that I have engaged with apparently are liekly to have been ill too, all the time widening this wound into my sexual/aggression part of the soul. The soul surely though is made of more than sexual need for survival and procreation and aggression to aid the survival?????
I said that to S and he said yes but those are the prominent parts of the soul. Really?
I get it on an evolutionary psychology basis. But surely there is more to us humans than that. Maybe not - maybe that's the stuff we are supposed to learn.
Mmmmm interesting.

Now I need some evidence to support these theories - back to the revision.

Too embarrassed

Clever L, she suggested that I text her - that's how it works she responded. Of course. If it was decent friendly things then I could send it to anyone.
Hopefully that will subside too.
I can realy see how I have been sexualising the anger. How many times have I said it's OK to be angry it's the behaviour. Grrrrr at me.
And yet also I feel gentler with me too. I really have understood at a feeling level the power of the powerlessness. Want to put in the little sketch diagram S drew last night to explain the ID. He says that the ID is Sexual/Aggression raw and then the idea is that our care givers provide us with the EGO, the teraching and loving that we receive creates a sort of membrane protection and interfacs with the world outside, or preparing us all the time to interrelate. The problem is that if the child is abused a wound is created straight into the ID - the fuck versus kill message create fury. Children are immensely clever and develop a cap to keep the explosive fury in - addiction, defence mechanisms such as angst (anxiety about everything), repression (disturbed feelings are just shut out or forgotten), displacement (feelings are placed upon someone, something else), sublimation (sexualising other things such as being creative or caring, libido or energy put into other things - sexual anorexia?), projection (project anger and sxualisation onto other people - blame), reaction information (exaggerating the opposite to the repressed impulse).
There a bit of revision at the same time.

Must go - phongin a S L A new contact. Restrict to 20 mins max as then need to get on with revision. Need to leave at 1130 to collect parcel from post office and get to work by 1pm. No dropping off LouLou coz I left her at A's since Sunday so could be with C uninterrupted. So selfish I am.

More aware than ever I have been. Scared of these withdrawls. It's all such bullshit fantasy talk. It is my addiction
The reality is I have an exam to focus on - get on with it.

Lady in the red dress

A really helpful session with S.
.
I have to learn to look after myself but I just don;t feel capable or even want the responsibility. As I am, I am crazed and a bloody liability. The little girl within me just wants to be saved from all the bad things and people.
My safe place is a little room, I mean a tiny room where I can curl up - it's dark in my room but safe. It's at the end of a long long corridor and none knows the room is there. Noone bothers to even look down the corridor.
I have seen eyes in the corner of the room.
I have had a violent relapse as S puts it. I have cut . I deserve better you see. I was manipulative. There is another part of me - there is the lady in the red dress. She sort of arrives, is very attractive, sees a guy who has spotted her, has a torrid affair fr a couple fo days and then she disappears without saying very much at all. She is all powerful and I think she represents the rage that I am feeling. well detaching from and S says that's probabkly saved me to this point in my life. There will be a time I suppose when I will need to face it full on.
Well now I m tired and even though my bed and bedroom feel sordid and violated I will sleep in here.
Night - .
Really night now

See you in the VIP

The Universe wrote to me today and said that for every time I have been duped in some way, for instance overcharged, I will be repaid.
I will live like a rockstar.
I don't understand this ..... Unvierse can you explain please?


Richer beyond my wildest dreams

Me according to Facebook

Raoul Duke
From "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." You're a writer in the loosest sense of the term. You're an adventurer, as long as an adventure entails getting lost in the city of lights by use of any (and every) drug on hand, but you're never too sure if you're actually having fun.

Little girl tugging at my sleeve

This is what my friend said about the inner child.
When I want to use it is because mylittle girl is tugging at my sleeve to get my attention and When I focus that attention on a man, a fantasy or another addiction I am abandoning her as my parents did. Would I do that to my own daughter or nephew? Yes, if Iwas still in the addiction.
this friend also said, 'ignore your inner child at your own peril.'
I love that.

Gone missing and noone knows

The Universe wrote to me today .............. I stopped for a moment to read and discovered some deep sorrow is lurking there.

If you're really honest, Pamela, you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been.Well done, The Universe

So then Universe why do I feel so ???????? down.

All I want came to mind for a moment then (I smiled in irony) - and that's of course a lie --- when I get what I think will be the saviour of me I simply want something else or more. I feel like I really want to run as far away as I can. As there isn't anywhere far enough then it turns into wanting to cut to get that ultimate feel of peace. I was trying to describe it to someone the other day and got the real sense of wanting that sensation. It feels like I am floating on air - nothing and noone sle around. The ultimate sense of serenity and nothingness. I so want that out sensation. Nothing hurts anymore, nothing matters, noone can get me. The thought of it is so so compelling. I wish I had discovered that earlier in my life. I feel cheated because in recovery of course I can't do that - it's a ducking relapse if I do. I didn;t get enough usage out that. See the addiction in me is strong right now. I want to get out of this world.
I don't feel suicidal for a change but I do want to be out of it.
When in active addiction living life is far too difficukt.that's a change - i used to use because living life without was too difficult.
I would like a really lovely boyfriend - emotionally intelligent, loves me, cherishes me enough to be alongside me through all the issues I have - sex, the need for a champion to save me from my dad and the big bad world. And of how to connect with humans and intimacy.
I feel so so so aloneI haven't been remembering Universe that I am never alone if I connect with you - I can't feel the love of that thought seeping in like I usually do. Normally I just say that and start connecting. Why am I so shut down? I think because if I opne up I will feel the immense hurt I feel - the abandonment of my dad the loneliness without my mum on this planet. The hurt of her withdrawing her love at times. Not saving me from the horrid things with my dad. If I let you in I will truly feel. And the feelings seem so strong they could kill me - that's how it seems.
I am therefore not really connecting with you.
Help me to let you in - to trust. I need some help - I feel desperation growing which is easier it seems than to feel these feelings.
It hurts in my soul and in my heart.
I am a little girl left alone in the forest, it's dark and frightening, strange noises and I have got to take care of myself if I am going to survive. Noone is looking for me.
My friend doesn't even know I am missing.

para fighting machines

When C was describing his brother and relating to the training or as C said the brainwashing that was applied when his brother was in the para's it made sense. My dad has always said he was in the para's. I will never know what is the truth. But it seemed to make sense. My dad doesn;t drink at all! He is a complete bigot. He would kill first and foremost and answer questions later.
It makes me feel very very sad for my dad. They did that to him when he was vulnerable to it really. And not debriefing of that when pushed out in civilian life. Like C's brother who is still in the army but sounding from C's description of his behaviour very f'd up!
Lost souls - give them back their souls.

Monring email to M

That time with P I felt stuck between being exclusive which I think is a horrid thing to do. And the fact that she was already "here" I felt totally controlled ie my choice to say actually no was removed. The thing is I held the resentment with her because of course I did still have the opportunity to say no but i thought it would just be too mean a thing to do.
I beat myself up for then thinking I am a nasty person because I cannot easily embrace someone. I think too I already felt that controlling from that person - it was someone who given an inch sort of thing can take a mile in various matters.
I don't yet have a solution to my awkwardness around this and so would be delighted to hear the path you take.
Fot the time being people that I discover I relate in this way - I feel abrasive with them - I try to keep at an arms length. People that I am comfortable with are the ones that I am relaxed and share time with easily and in fact want to be around as much as possible.

I hope you have a lovely day.

I am off today and so so glad. I think I could do with a couple more days off. I have been worrying about the clients since leaving on Saturday and this is not helpful. I will talk with colleagues about the switching off process.
I heard from the FRU guy again over the weekend. I am accepting that my addict fancies him without even knowing him.
Being able to verbalise it to my self and now to you of course as you said makes it a whole heap easier to do the right thing.
There were a couple of times that I threw out a hook. But thankfully got away without any repercussions I think and managed to moce on without damaging the friendly contact. It was a nice talk - a lot about him. If I can maintain a friendship with him he would bring a very grounded male perspective on things. He is a person who has seemed to just stopped the substances. Thankfully didn;t go rabbitting off about my supposed "wild" side as I like to make it out to be. Stayed adult most of the time. Going to arrange to meeet up sometime soon. I think like probably most people he has codependance going on - people-pleasing I detected. He was pretty open with me - I just kept asking lots and lots of questions.
I liked him - a lot. I didn't fancy him though. Mind you if he's incredibly good looking then I might have difficulties.
Thanks for helping me to break through my ongoing denial. I am sure it's not completely broken down but the little bit helps.
Yes in my head I have a make believe realtionship going on but if I can keep separating it from the real people I have contact with then there is a chance to develop friendships wth ther real person and see them for their qualities.
I think I can do the same with Dr A now too. For goodness sake he's just too young. I did look up Cecilia Bartoli that he had mentioned he lvoed just so that I knew what he was talking about. And yes I can see the incredible talent.I can see why Maria Callas was so so so revered but I don't understand what they are singing about?????????? How could I sit through a concert of that? Would I have the courage to tell him. He would hate me and thnk me uncultured etc etc. But its the truth. I could sit through the Aria's or a philharmonic orchestra concert of say Vivaldi or Bach or Beethoven - or like we did in Regents Park - I love the music even though I know little about it. It cang et right right right inside of me. Mmmmmm - well let's see what happens next.
I am certain he doesn't fancy me. He really is too young and good looking. I think he is just so passionate about the arts he seems to just fix and talk about it I think without even seeing who he is talkign to. This is what I have surmised anyway. Mmmm thanks good to write and put perspective on things as I write

Music

Writing this as an email to someone I know who and noone else will. Hopefully
Love addiction is absolutely rife right now - grrrrr with me. Know my thinking is skewed

What about .... like any of these?

Talking Heads? Strokes? Stranglers? Sex Pistols? T.REX?

Really not getting any studying done - it's too good listening to music.

Playing a real mix. Gets in my soul. Love the sound of guitar (some) - like great lyrics.

The Church (might be a bit girly for you?) They were a band I organised their travle for when I worked for a specialised travel agent - they were real buggers. Also looked after Dire Straits amongst others. DS were a nice load of guys particularly Mark Knopfler. That seems like another life....!

Sting?
Tom Waits - what an incredible insight he has.
cringe to mention Stevie Nicks - definatley not a boys music taste normally but surely fanciable? Bit poppish as Fleetwood Mac became really.

Steve Harley? Chased all over Victoria in my 20's to try and catch a glimpse of him. Blimey he's rough for wear now. Used to find him so so so sexy.
Along with Paul Weller . Seen him a few times live. Saw in an hotel I was having dinner in - London I somewhere.He was staying there. Fancied him so much.

Steely Dan - mmmm - give or take it really. Bit twee for me really!


Forgot to ask - conservative Conservative or socialist?


I am a Rock - I am an Island - I have no friendship, friendships causes pain .... If I had never loved I never would have cried
... I am shielded in my armour .... I touch noone and noone touches me ... and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries

A most peculiar man - what a sad sad sad song
Simon and Garfunkl

and sound-wise ( not necessarily sentiment in a way ) the extreme of Sex Pistols Anarchy in the UK

Already discussed The Ruts Babylon's Burning - anxiety!
Rory Gallagher - introduced to his guitar playing in my 20's - drnk himself to death poor man. Rock so maybe not your cuppa

Richie Havens - went and met him at Guilfest - Freedom - I want freedom

Randy Newman - an amazing observer - his lyrics really seem to have an insight into people - whereas I think Tom Waits seem to get inside the characters he writes about. Real Emotional Girl makes me cry every time I stop to lsiten properly.

Guilty -
Yes baby I been drinkin'And I shouldn't come by I knowBut I found myself in troubleAnd I had nowhere else to goGot some whisky from the barmanGot some cocaine from a friendI just had to keep on movin'Til I was back in your arms againGuilty baby I'm guiltyAnd I'll be guilty the rest of my lifeHow come I never do what I'm supposed to doHow come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right?You know you know how it is with me babyYou know, I just can't stand myselfAnd it takes a whole lot of medicineFor me to pretend that I'm somebody else

A bit of Prince? Kiss - not a real big fan but think he has a talent.

Feel So Low - Porcupine Tree - don't like anything else they have done but this one ..... emotive

Paul Simon - Graceland - love the rhythm/african influence = another great poet - the people going to Graceland. Diamonds on the soles of her shoes


Oh and just been rreminded of a film I loved - Belleville Rendezvous - have you seen it? Be careful if anyone is listening as the tune is catchy and don't want to be catched opps caught
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjjZsp2hDxk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDCOxHz3EVw&NR=1
just a clip of the music in case you haven't seen it or can't remember it

Ordinary Boys - introduced to Seaside - good

Nirvana - brilliant love em - watched the documentary - Nick Broome wasn't it?
He, Kurt Cobain, was so fucked up - he so needed treatment - traumatised and I am so attracted to that tragedy - and the drugs and the lowlife. yum yum
Heart-shaped box, Come as You Are, Lake of Fire, Lithium - the sound really gets into me.
Can't say I am a fan of Nik Kershaw - keep trying but he just doesn't grab me. Off with his head!

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - now that grabs me - big time!!!

The Murder Ballads - I wonder where he got his stories from. Who was Mary Bellows and Lottie from Milhaven? They must be based on some truth? And Crow Jane. I like his film The Proposition. Would ike to see it again some time.

I'm going to end this now and do some studying ............. will write more soon
Don't know why I've done this really - really have engaged with the music whilst waiitng for my love addiction to be fed and it hasn't been. I think I have given up now - no no there's a little hope still as soon as I wrote that. Poo poo poo.
It's really altered my mood - DOWN!
Wiaitng waiting waiting and not getting my studying done - shit!

Right reading quietening the music down adn not listening to it ananlysing it no no no more

X

Getting to my soul

Wow - soul feeding todday - playing music. Supposed to be studying but it's getting right inside. The sound of guitar, lyrics, the sound changes, the rhythm. It fires my soul sometimes.
But I am not getting any work done.
This is the problem when I play music I get drawn into it. The TV can be blasting out and I don't even hear it. Just doesn't lift the life it deadens it I think.
Nice evening last nigth but as ususla feel like a dreadful person for things I say and do. Yuch. I realise thought that there are so many elements of insecurity at play. I think A really has a problem with me if some sort and I don't know what it might be. So I wanted to show tat I am a nice person and how close M and I are. Yuch that owenership I show over someone. Poor M I want to apologise to her today.
I am suspicious sometimes of S's motives. I feel mean thinming like that but I seem to sense a vicious streak - I know it comes from a lot of damage but I do't think there's awareness and therefore it can be outwardly damaging to others still.
I wonder what I am doing that I am as yet unaware of that is potentially damaging to others?
Right more studying - sure to write more later

Yay - abstinence achieved

I so wanted to eat when I got home tonight. I had eaten my meal including pudding before I left work. But just walking into my flat I wanted to eat. I have no idea what feelings were going to drive that craving. I kept chanting don't eat. don't eat, don't eat. I sent a text to friends telling them I wanted to eat. I would never have done that in the past - the shame of being such a pig. I know now it's not being a pig it's addiction - the desire to take myself away fromt he clearly difficult feelings - difficult because it's bloody ahrd having over eaten - the self hatred. So if I'd rather feel that than deal with the driving emotions then they must be bad.
It's certainly linnked with my terrible judgement s of myself, my high demands, my lack of elf-worth.
Anyway I got through the cravings with help from supporting friends and now I am going to bed.
OA works - eventually
XX

Helpful Disclaimer If you Know Me Please Read

There is a little fear, writing this Blog, that people I know and know me might read it and recognise themselves and my thoughts about them. Well if they do the truth will be out there I guess but I would never want people to read the negative things I might say whilst I go throught the gambit of hurt and resentment etc.. I try to look at me and my part in things in the main but sometimes I am just not able to see that straight away and I do blame. Writing helps me to process my feelings about people and situations and eventually, how long that it is can depend on the degree of hurt or upset, I can see my part in things as well.

Please try not to take the processing personally. I hope one day that the process time will be greatly reduced and I will not have so much thinking and destructive feelings to work through as I will be self aware. Bear with me. I will try to do the same with you too.

Cows upstairs

The meal plans are working - all food types are acceptable and I make choices - i.e. no bad foods, 3 meals a day, exercise (somewhat regularly now working full time i.e. over the weekend nice long walks - remind me to tell you about the cows, yes more bovine therapy), no diets or deprivation. It's amiracle. I can get a pair of jeans on that I had forgotten I owned. Admittedly with a rather large muffin top but hopefully the baggy jumper will hide the full extent of the hangover. I really need to tone up my tummy now. I think this will mean sit ups or something of the sort as walking on it's own is not doing it!
Anyway it's a good feeling - thank Overeaters Anonymous. That is breaking my anonymity. I am not sure if that's OK or not. But by the time I find out it will be all too late.
Belive me if anyone should read this OA has finally helped me - but that involves more than just the meetings, it's been the people I have received freindship and support from, yeatrs of going but never really understanding and thinking I did, the readings, the steps and a lot of CODA work has contributed too. It's a big commitment but blimey it's so so so so worthwhile to be gradually gaining freddom from food and the body image problems. It's not about thin or food types - it's about the emotions and un resolved issues. And the fellowship had been helping to both understand and gradually work through them.
Phew it's damned hard work and sometimes so excrutiatingly painful but slowly, slowly I am gaining freedom from the hell I live in in my head.
IT WORKS, IT REALLY DOES line 8 page 88 of the Big Book. The main quote I remember.

I have completed draft 2 of my research report. I think it's almost ready for printing and posting. Thank flipping goodness for that. It's been like a monkey on my back for the past 3 weeks. Now I have 3 weeks work to do in two weeks before the final essay and then aaaaargh the exam on 15th June. Rrevise, revise, revise for the weeks after the 9th May onwards. I am so so so so so scared. It takes me ages to write one essay - 3 weeks to be precise and I will have three to do in less than 3 hours. It's not possible and hand written at that! It's not possible. I am very scared.

The cows upstairs refers to yet another bovine therapy experience yesterday with M.
We walked for a total of about 4 hours yesterda. We walked to Winchester Hill nad back - it's nowhere near Winchester in terms of road miles but looks towards Winceshter. It was beautiful as have all the walks on the South Downs Way been - except for the cows. Or rather I think they were young bullocks. They were frisky and frolicking - at our expense.
As we climbed over the gate we knew they were somewhere as there were pats of poo relatively fresh! As we rounded the corner and came over the brow of the hill, there they all were a herd grazing, scattered across one side of the field on the upward slope. We were down wind. M was already very anxious and her voice had risen a few tones. Her tones were yet to get higher. As we got closer one or two looked up and returned to their grazing giving me greater courage and strenght. M was holding on to me asking me what we were going to do. I said we'll be fine just walk through them and look they are not interested in us. Plan B - make ourselves look as big as possible and go RAR alot to chase them away. We were now level with them and there were movements within the herd and suddenly one from the back bucked and strted the herd moving rapidly towards us. We stood firm tried to spread our bodies and were RARRING away. The herd stopped abruptly but only mementarily as they moved in closer. RAR RAR or in M's interesting version "yar" "yar". Quietly and in a sort of to-ing and fro-ing run between me and I don;t know where. LouLou thought it was all a game jumping up at M and wagging her tail. As we neared the gate, I said bravely and protectively, "M get yourelf out, I'll hold the fort". Sort of Western hero style. I was petrified but thought she was more petrified. M quietly said I am not leavnig you along running backwards and forwards and pinching my arm each time she got to me. Eventually she ran out of the field as the herd broke into two trying to get between us and the gate. I turned to look one in the eye and RARRED extra loudly waving my map at him, yes HIM, too. He snorted smiling I'm sure. I turned my back to the gate again, RARRIng forwards, to the left of me and to the right, eventually getting to the gate. M was shouting "look behind you, look behind you!" To which I said "I know exactly what's behind me but can you help me open the gate?" in a sort of urgent trying to be calm type voice and struggling to pull, wiggle or push the gate bolt which wouldn't move. As M carried on trying to warn me I eventually got the gate open, was greeted lovingly by LouLou and noticed a couple sitting in their car eating cake and seemingly enjoying the entertainment.
The guy let the window down and in an Aussie accent asked if we were afraid of them. M raged back a "YES!" and "thnaks for the help". I thought no you pillock that's how I Dr Dolittle taught me how to communicate with the animals!!!!
He comented on the aerobic workout we had had and carried on eating cake. I bet that'll make an interesting story for him to tell about his visit to the South Downs! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Since then M has been in and out of shock. But both of us keep laughing so much. I so wish I could video those moments. Things that get lost are M's pathetic attempts at rarring, and her funny face and her bobbing around to and fro to nowhere and me stretching out and make loud angry scared sounds. My, it's flippping funny to remember though!
Right off to fidn some cows upatirs by going to the Farnham meeting where I perceive my enemies lay waiting - more to be told.........
Oh and cows in the attic refers to a website M found when she looked up bovine therapy. I thought I had made it up.
I will look for the webiste again and post it on here.
Bye for now
he he he he he he he he he

Start of research into avoidance or block. Hooray feelings now that I have seen the way pride blocks me

This is a copied text as I am too lazy to re-write to you my blog. I wrote this in an email to my friend M who had been sharing with me about fear ...
I relate very much to fear of life. Our fears may be different but the fact is I am so so scared of so many things and it holds me back.
I really wasn't as fearful before recovery but of course I have had so many layers of addictions to hide behind - not leats utter codependency on my mum. She was my courage but there was also pushed em to go beyond myself. I didn't ever ask for help as I had learned somehow that it wasn't OK to say I am scared and I need some support. I went boldly where no man had gone before - or that's how it seemd but inside I was and still am absolutely terrified.
No wonder it's difficult to take steps forwards (make decisions) these days. And asking for help with that is still tricky for me - I was taught too much pride. Often I amke decisions impulsively without thnking things through because I am too scared not too. And other times I just back out completely because I am too scared to make the choice. Extremes of the same issue.
So I do relate to your indecision.

i need help but I am not sure what kind of help to help me to stay and grow in this job.
I feel inadequate and have no sense of my style of therapy anymore. I am attempting to be like IC and PD. They work very much making links. I think it's very valid and I know clients like it as it shows them patterns and a sense of self understanding. I like that b ut I like working with the feelings first. If eel so out of pratice and so fish out of water. I am scared that as people are paying so much momey that I am not posh enough or qualified enough or professional enough - I am just not enough.
It's driving me into the ground already.
I am scared with PD leaving that leaves two of us as permanent. Who will be getting the client sonto the programme and if noone is doing that effectively then the P are unlikely to employ more staff and it will be left to Antoinette and I neither of whom are strong enough I don't think to hold the situation together on many levels. I feel petrified and therefore incapable and ewant to run
The other part of me knows I can do this job and I need some time to acclimatise. I do not want to be having to run the show which I cane asily take on as my responsibility. i can make the office run administratively and I know AW is not good at that. But it's not what I want to be doing.
I am pissed off as there will only be two permanent staff they have rostered AW and I to cover both Bank Holidays. I realise I need to speak with FC about this as i am not satisifed with this. I at least wnt the Bank Hol off at the end of May as it's my birthday weekend. well near enough.
PD has left so is not fighting the cause for the office - of course I don;t expect him to. But there is also that part of me that does expect someone else to take repsonsibility so that I am not whingeing or similar.

I am only just getting to these thoughts and how frustrated I am about it all. I tell myself I shouldn;t be afraid or anxious or irritated actually angry about such matters. I feel abadoned by PD and tricked actually. I am concerned that they are rats leaving a sinking ship and I have been conned. My pride doesn't want to let me admit this to you or to anyone. I am not happy with my pride right now.

I have just had an outburst - I think there is a little spcae now to get on with my essay
Thank Higher Power for the various meands of communication and for you my friend
Bliss

Dark thoughts

I am really not sure I can do my job. It's now two weeks since I started. I am not just not able to make the themes - I think it's actually a problem in general I have - making connections and creating threads. I think I have a mental agility problem.
Is it necessary to have that to help people get well? I don't know if I can find my style. I definitely can focus on feelings. I can practice and prepare lectures and workshops. Perhaps I need to focus on some of those to gain some confidence. As usual preparation is so so important. I know I can do this but for some reason I am feeling so lacking in any confidence. I realise I am very dependent on approval from P. He is judgemental and shows his likes and dislikes - he is o unbiasedut perhaps that's just me because actually he expects a high standard of work and why not. I am just not high standard.
pheeeeeeewwwwwww - I don'tknow if I have the energy to carry on for long. I can feel the tension that can easily turn into to burn out - depression.
I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts. I think I was feeling very sensitive yesterday after a very tough day. Then when I got to A's she and I had a complete misunderstading. A thought I didn't want to stay and I thought she wanted me to go as she was standing int he doorway. The evening before A was saying that I shouldn;t feel obliged to stay and chat. My thoughts on what are happened are this - A was trying to read into things and decided to take it upon herself to make it OK for me not to stay and chat when actually I like staying and chatting. I also wondered if perhaps she wanted me out of the way so that a drink without any guilt was possible - yet I have no issue with anyone drinking. I can see that it's a real issue especially if it does come between other things. All that happens is as the drunkeness starts to move in I leave as there is little of the real person there to enjoy. And then I thought the reason A said she wouldn;t be around in the morning was because she might be tired after an evening drinking and not want me to see her. Mind you I am also aware that I get there very early now and it's a real intrusion on A's mornings. I wouold totally understand if she didn't want to get up or chat or both. Anyway, I came home feeling every rejected and a mind full of reasons why I wasn't good enough or a nuisance. Amidst the thoughts that I aroused anger towards A. The mix anger towards me then A then me. It always ends up with it being against me - I am a nuisance, too intrusive, taking advantage etc etc etc. This on top of feeling inadequate at work and very tired - well it escalated without an obvious dramatic development until this morning I just felt worthless, too scared to let anyone know (pride) and ....... shit I didn;t say goodbye to the client who is leaving this weekend. I wish I had made a point of it. Why did I just walk out like that without going over and wishing him well. I hope he returns to Aftercare.
Shit I am doing that on Tuesday with I I do believe.
Blah blah feeling too exhusted by my thinking. The truth is I am not certain about the future. I feel too proud to say it to anyone right now. I can say it on my blog. It's me and it's mine and I can.
Patterns I have observed about myself - oh that's apart from this complete lack of self belief.
- Blimey can't remember them now - knew I would forget. I am very very forgetful these last two days. So maybe some of my sudden mood change - even suicidal this morning - is linked with hormonal manoeuvres in the dark depths within!!!
Right I will try and write more tomorrow as I am very very very very tired of myself!
Night

Distant from everyone

This is a text I wrote this morning. I kept it because I thought I'd forget the thoughts I was having and the feelings at the time.

"Feeling distant from everyone as wrking full time and not as much me time. Know I will adjust but right now feeling lonely. Don't have all the connectivity of having local friends, work, meetings. This disconnected lifestyle is a pattern I always had until I settled with Simon or indeed each relationship with a man of the time and I would gradually feel shackled by it too but always had my mum as a secure base. Feels frightening. Will my friends be secure bases despite the locational distance and time delay between contact and that worthlessness and insecurity is a part of the relationship addiction behaviour. See some patterns of behaviour and some understanding of the motives and feel lonely, sad, frightened, insecure, relief from enlightenment, vulnerable, needy. Feel like a small child, trying to be a grown up and flitting between arrogance and worthlessness whilst trying to find me without losing me - selling my soul to the addict! Just needed to share."



Basically I noticed a pattern that tonight as I am so tired seems completely irrelevant. However the fear that friends will give up on me because I am not on their case all the time is real. When I meet with A it's good, I enjoy her company and we talk at a very honest and emotional level. However, we rarely speak between gatherings and I don't feel as close to her as I feel to E or M. But then I speak with them at least or nearly every day. With the email contact I have, I only feel like there's a real connection when there's very regular contact. It's so ducking needy I am realising. And I despise it when I get emails from those people that I sens a real neediness. Ugh people maybe despise hearing from me, especially if they are avoidants.



This evening I am

Not Abstinent

To whom do I owe amends? Wow that's a big question and now I am sitting here trying to create my list I can only think of a few people. I seem to think I need to have a long list. In fact some people I have already made amends to.
A big amends to myself. Never speaking my truth.
I am not abstinent with my food. I keep eating snacks now. I need to get honest with someone. I will get honest with A and S this evening during our work group.
I will send a text to V saying what has been happening. I would be really really surprised if some of tehse people are entirely honmest and are always abstinent but that's because I am not. It seems impossible. I know people think that about alcohol and drugs too.
Thing is I haven't had a drink or drug for nearly 8 years. Bloody hell. Who would have imagined. And I stil get embarrassed about being a bell - ringer. Blinmey talking of which I have realised that a lady who I thought was an old lady was actually in my year at school - at the same school! Blimey. Either she's aged fast or I'm doing remarkably well. Still another blimey! How did I find out. Well with this blinking reunion thing being organised there was a suggestion to send messages to a number of people on teh FRU site and then I got side-tracked looking at who was in contact with whom. V's porfile page mentioned bell-ringing and I also thought the photo looked familiar suddenly putting the two together. Duck-me! That's all I can say.
I left a message putting aside judgements and 'ism's. I am an ageist. I am not proud of this fact but I am and so I am working to put this aside. I would like to be more open and accepting of people. Mind you there are people who I don;t think are very nice people and so I can be friendly towards them but I don't have to spend lots of time with them.

This week at work - well the first day was fine. Confident and at home very quickly. Then I started doubting my abilities. Wanting to be able to see the connections like I and P. I have been comparing myself and not measuring up at all. I am very concerned about P leaving as I do feel a security there. I have been two-faced about A. She is a lovely lady but P and I are very damning of her but haven't been outspoken with her. Therefore I wouldn't trust anything they say really. So when they say I am good and dab etc it doesn;t really mean very much. A has said to F the Clinical Manager that I am good and that aslo doesn't mean much as I think she is very codeeeeee - join the f-ing club. Although I was very pleased with myself for saying how I was hoping to leave one of the clients with a feeling but A came in a changed that immediately. I don't think she had noticed what I had done as she was so intent on getting to the feelings. Actually that client has shifted so much it's amazing. Hope she stayed with it over the weekend.
I flaffed the 1-1 with the client I am keyworking. I have asked to sit in a 1-1 with P. I am just feeling I know nothing at all.
I feel under prssure at work and under pressure with my essay although very relieved to have today got the discussion element done. The easiest 600 words which worries me as I then think that I have not done it right at all. I still have about 1000 words to write and will do those tomorrow - then I need to print it all out. I haven't got a printer though! Ha. Should have used the OU money to buy one. Oh well. I might ask John what he thinks would be a good buy.
So I have been eating and I know it's feelings of pressure. I haven't been able to get byond these feelings - inadequacy is a big one I think for me. I am afraid. I don't like not being more than capable. I am not sure how to deal with this. I need not to eat and keep calling out.
E is all recoveried up and not hearing just saying stop thinking and so on. That's OK but ...... she has a point of course I do understand that but I do have a lot of thoughts going around and around and lots of feelings as a result. I thnk stopping thinking is a point to work towards first I need to process the thoughts and the feelings. There is a place for stopping it all and giving myself breaks I certainly agree.
Anyway A and S will be here soon so I am going to have my dinner now. They then can cook there's and we can get on with the Step work.
I would like to ask their help in how to behave and what to say to S if he should arrive at the hospital for an ex-client group. P says he wants to continue doing it and of course I have no prooblem with that. However I do have a problem with remaining composed and not getting all afraid and nervous. I think I will stutter and splutter. That happens when I feel inadeqaute and incompetent. I have tried to imagine how he will be. I think he probably won;t come into the office but who knows. He may wnat to put ownership on the P. After all it's the P he got sober in. That was a bit of a jab at him and his recovery taking inventory of where he's at!
Not my job or my perogative to do that as here I am eating snacks out of meal time. And a lot of them today.
I will have my evening meal - stir fry veg, cheese, pitta bread and yoghurt with fruit for pudding. That's it that's it that's it even when A and S have gone home. Please Higher Power help me to get my abstinence back please pleasr please. I want it. I don't have any clarity at all without it. I think I havebeen on a hormaonl carb drive this week too.
Not to mention all the emotions. Emotions I fnd troublesome to get through. Need to be sharing more and not about the clients about me

Broken Hearted

I have over eaten this evening. Two things have triggered this - the first is that I wasn't hungry at my evening meal time and so I went out without eating and returned home hungry. BUt that hunger was fuelled by the deep, deep hurt having decided to call my dad.
A couple of people have asked if I called in a mission of sabotage. It is possible. I won;t rule it out but I think there is also a drive to make peace within my soul. I am much more acceptant that there will not be a closeness between us. I wouldn't want to be close to the man he is right now. However, I do think I am closer to telling him how I feel - I feel hurt and the sorrow is so deep. I am sorry that so much damage runs between us and there is nothing of any depth when we do meet - he is unable to deal with emotions and I am too scared to tell him my feelings anyway.

I felt closer after the call to phoning him back and telloing him that I am hurt. I bottled out. I rellay think though this is where I will get peace. Is it wrong to get my peace through my truth knowing that it will cause him such angst. Is that fair and right? Yet here I am with a broken heart and that's not fair either.
I believe I need to make peace with my soul whatever that means my dad will throw back at me. It is more likely than not going to hurt as he is incapable of showing anything but deep anger and it comes out in violence or more likely viscious words. That's how it will be more than likely. I think I can take it - I am stronger I think.

I went to see Foy Vance playing - but I found the company shallow in the frame of mind I was in. I left and came home - all that money - petrol, ticket etc what a waste of money. But my sanity seems more important.

And now it is time for an early night. New job starts tomorrow. I feel slightly nervous - it seems unreal at this very moment.
Night
Dad - it hurts that you have no desire to see me or to have more than occassional contact with me. It hurts that you don't seem to like me at all. It hurts that nothing I do means anything to you. It hurts that all you can see is bad in me.
I am not a bad person. I am human. I am not like you. I am damaged through your behaviour. I forgice you as I know you are urely deeple damaged yoruself. You didn;t know any different. How sad I am that you must be hurting so much in your heart and soul. I wish nothing but peace for you. It doesn't stop me hurting though. I realise that things will never be any differetn between us. Just so long as you know that my heart aches to be able to love you and to receive your love in return. I know your soul loves me just as I am.
I am trying to learn to see beyond your prejudices of me and beginning to see that I am an OK person - I am loveable just as I am.
Night dad. Sleep peacefully and forgive yourself. Love to you
X

whoop whoop whoop - ego

"Hello M

I would just like to tell you how horrid I am feeling after being so arrogant about Andy.
I "know it" it at all. By it I mean that he would ask me out. I thought he has been friendly and adult.
That "know-it" was actually my defalted ego suddenly feeling flattered. And It now feels so ugly.
I am ashamed of that. Glad to recognise it. But Ugh it's so uncomfortable that you witnessed my ego making something into something else.
Ugh ugh ugh - ugliness and discomfort.

Glad to be aware and glad to be ablt to be honest about it with you despite hating the idea of you getting to see more of me.
You see it anyway of course and interpret it with your own meanings. So to actually tell you my thinking and feelings is so uncomforatble.

If I keep things real size. Yes it is nice to be asked as a friend to go for a walk.
The reality is we have had some email contact. It's been friendly and I am trying to learn how to do that.
my head does all sorts with it - but i can behave differently. It's never going to be easy I guess.

I don;t think I have been playing with him - I have been paying in my head for sure and when I talk with you or anyone else about it.
So on reflection, when you said that I had been playing I turned then into me being told off for doing it wrong and being a bad person and not being able to do it any other way.
i know that is not what you said but that's what I turned it into.
All happened too quickly amidst other things going on in my thinking and feelings to say that at the time.

I hope you will be alright with me writing this down now as it's the way I more easily process things when they are new and ......"

Of course I won't sed this. I was a bit more than pissed off when M said I had been playing with A. I think I have been doing less of that. I have certainly thought about playing with him. I would like to remain making friends with him and now that he's mentioned perhaps going for a walk, my needy ego has gone yip yip yip. The reality is we knew each other for about 2 or 3 evenings 27 or more years ago. As a result of a meet up with A (Aus) I got in contact with him via FRU and we have had a few pleasant and friendly emails. I try to remain light-hearted and witty. I did send some longer emails and more frequently which he commented on and I slowed down then. And now he has sent an update email and asked if I'd like to go for a walk with him.
None of my emails had mentioned meeting up at all. It's just a nice friendly thing to suggest isn't it?
All of this kind of thing is so unusual for me - I take it as that's it we are going to have to be having sex and stuff. I have never just been able to be friendly with a guy and that's what I want to learn how to do.
I don't like M's suspicions of me as it taps right into how I think things should be anyway. It doesn't feel supportive it feels admonishing. I have a feeling it links in with her saying "you'll meet someone soon" and I think that is triggered by her inscurity somehow.
Guess what I am not doing by writing this out.

Anyway it is nice to be asked out for a walk with someone who only knows me through my emails. Perhaps there are many underlying motivs for him and perhaps not. But how on earth is one supposed to find out unless you find out - know what I mean?
I just need to stay ground - centred and boundaried. Can I thoug? Already I am wondering if he will find me too ugly, too fat etc etc. Haven't even thought about whether I will find him ugly fat etc. HA it's all about me not being good enough.

What a wonderful walk yesterday. We estimate we walked over 20 miles in totla. We started out from Arundel at 9.30, meeting T there. We walked to Amberley, stopped for lunch which was horrid although I am so used to horrid food I ate it anyway (that's the foody in me all the time) and then we had a wonderful chocolate brownie in the tea rooms just down the road fromt he pub. Then we set off back for Amberley. I was getting very tired towards the end and very glad to see the car finally. Actually I felt more relief when we actiually arrived in Arundel again. At that point I felt OK. There was a sort of need to get on with it towards the last few miles - tired yes but more to do with being on the way back lets just get it over with sort of thing.
I had lots of laughs with both M and T. I think M was a little tetchy competitive today or maybe it was me I am not sure. I did get codey this morning when I received a text from T saying I hope I didn't upset M. Now I had already recognised yesterday a sort of avoidfance addictive thingy going with female friendships I have. I have known for a while how I have codependance around female friends - I have seen addiction and avoidance very clearly with males - now I can see a not dissimilar thing but without of course the secual element coming in. I am usually the addictive one - the really outwardly needy one and therefore for an avoidant that must be tiresome. And an avoidant wants to hook in the avoidant. M and T oth claim to be avoidant types - and I could see T i thnk becoming the addict within their getting to know each other.
It's not clear clear to me yet but there's certainly a something going on. Of course M has gone into the avoidant with me ths morning I think - there was a definite feeling of dynamic change this morning. Maybe it's me that caused it - that I am aware of but gosh the bloody ease with which all OK can change to all not OK for me. It's all so fragile.people with people.
Anyway I will hold off sending A an email saying yes yes yes as I want to.
I will acknowledge his email on Wed - that's 2 days surely I can hold on until then. And I will have news of this weekends walk, a suggestion fo a walk I would ike to do is Seven Sisters and he wants a cosatal walk. I can talk of my first day in my new job and of Foy Vance this evenign.

Right study study study. Need to stay focused amidst all my thining thinking thinking

Nice man

"Hello Universe
Following a conversation today I regret that I didn;t ever say to MH that I thought he as a nice man - grumpy about a lot of things yes and I had never been on the end of what others described as his violence.
I wished I had said to him that I found him kind and thoughtful and very tolerant of his family.
I thought he put up with a lot and I felt sad for him that there was so much venom towards him
I never witnessed the person they said he was.

Can you somehow let him know Universe or create the opportunity for me to tell him that directly.

Thanks"

I had a conversation with E today. She met with P and there was converation about S (my ex partner) sorry if you are confused by she said he said he said stuff. Anyway I know what I mean.
I felt such a huge sense of vindication. I probably shouldn't feel that if I was all-so-ever-so spiritual BUT it was music to my ears yet I was also sad.
P said S is very "sick" (codependent) with his girlfriend. I did feel sad about this as I had been really hoping that he was happy and less riddled with anger. P said that S's girlfriend had previously "tried it on" as they say with many of the guys but S was the one who got hung up with her and her 4 children. P said that S is very much in her control. It's horrid to ehar but also a relief. P had also said that S was not taking any ownership of the problems that escalated between him and I. E was great and said that she had nothing but respect for me the way I have put so much effort into the grieving etc after S. Of course I was angry and wanted to shame him to everyone. I said some things but I have also been able to see my part.
P was also telling E about S and his father MH (who I am writing to the Universe about) making P and the secretary of the business redundand because they were secretly selling the business - S as usual thinking he would make a small fortune. Instead they were offered not even 6% of that - wow I just worked that out on a calculator and I don't know how. I am dyscalculic according tot he fornal assessment and I did that with a kind of automated guesswork. Weird. There is a part of me that is going he he he he snigger snigger snigger. But there is also a part of me that is really sorry for MH. He had built that business to tick over very nicely. Then S came along and treated him like an idiot and just wanted to get rid of the business. S was no business man and whilst I was with him made some real silly decision I thought. Including with our house which he now has a negative equity on and a whole load of problems.
Gosh I hope noone I know ever reads this - they will see the bit of me that is wicked and they will know who I am talking about and it will reveal who talks about who and how. Ugh. That's dangerous isn't it. But it bloody well does go on.
E also told P that I had been hurt as there were a number f people that had been funny with me since S and spilt up. P was surprised and it was nice to hear that he likes me. He had also said to E that his relationship with S had been difficult for some time. And now S is being funny with P yet it was S that made him redundant and wasn't even up front beforehand. It seems to me that there was some nasty stuff going on. I knwo that really S would like to be doing nothing with a whole load of mponey. Wouldn't we all and I think he was always looking for a qucik way to make a lot of dosh.
I am feelinf really like a nasty person gloating and scared of vindication from the Universe for thinkig this way. There is a part of me that thinks I am evil and another part of me that thinks this is a natural thing. I am aware that S thinks I am entirely to blame. I have seen him scowl at me if I have ever by chance driven by. I wave to him and smile he scowls back. He sees it all as my fault. I can see my part I am not in any denial of that and so all this I hear is a bit of relief that others can see it not all my fault.
Phew

Slow slow slow progress with studies. Embarrassed at how little time I can hold concentration with it. WhY? What's going on? I am finding it difficult but I have foind it all difficult all the way through. I am realising that doing a degree teaches very useful skills that don't get taught at lower levels of education - well not to me anyway. And they are really useful skills. I like the learning. Scared I can't hold onto and build upon it as I have such a weak memory.
Recent learning is the way to lable detials and gradually put them inot higher level themes. I have always tried to create the themes and put all the detail into the themes without first working out what there is to be themed - if that makes sense. But I am struggling to decide what detail I have and how to code it at a higher level so that it makes sense. And of course allowing the freedom that some of the detail goes across several themes. Get it?

Right. I wanted to write down somewhere the thoughts following this conversation today and also record for myself the letter to the Universe.

Oh heard from CY on Fru. I used to have a crush on him at school. Got reallys cared by the speed and regularity of the emails in response to mine. I'm the addict and it's scary when someone else acts like me back. Furthermore his attachement with the military scared me as he might have the same "sickness" as my dad and Graham Whelan - mention his name as I believe him to be truly dangerous and don't care who knows. Anyway they both claimes to have military backgrounds and were very scary people. I am sure CY isn;t like them but I was amazed at the past experiences and attachment that was aroused.

Right study study study.

Byeeeeeee

Aaaaaaargh codependence. No concentration

M called. She is having difficulty getting a deposit back if she cancels her holiday. Why is this affecting me? Well we were booked to go together BUT I cancelled, about a mnth ago now. I lost the deposit and the £40 transfer fee from when we cancelled the Peru trip and got a measly £74 back. I cancelled for two reasons the main one being that I just am running out of money and can't deal with the stress paying out for this holiday would have brought when I couldn't really then afford road tax, insurance, MOT etc. I would just hate the holiday.The other reason being the levels of fitness required and I am jusy not there anymore. I am getting too old.
I can hear M's anger. And I think some of that is directed towards me coz she mentioned how it would have been easier to be in Morrocco if there were two of us and easier not to decide to go on the difficult walk if there were two of thst didn't. I thinks he blames me for her lsiong the money.
I am very apologetic that I have had to cancel. I would rather not have to cancel as I would love to be going to Morrocco. There are decisions I took that really were at another level of codependence. I agreed tot he holiday because I didn't want not to be going if M went. I didn't want to admit to being worried about fitness levels and climbing the Atlas Mountains. I wanted t also have an adventure type holiday. I should have let M book her own trip and not allow myself to be influecned by this competitive element that gets drawn out in cerain circumstances.
And no I am feeling so guilty. I have let her down. I have caused her to lose all this money.
Mind you it's not my fault that the company are arguing about a refund when they didn't argue about it with me. It is odd. I do get thigns sorted out financially when M seems to have all sorts of troubles with organisations. I think there has to be something going on there.
Anyway that is nothing to do wth me - trying to put the blame somewhere else.
I can hear M's anger. Of course intensified I am sure by the fact that she has stopped smoking.
Ugh I hate my codependency. It makes me feel so responsible for people. I did book the holiday in all good faith but I did not expect to get so low on funds with no way to replenish the funds.
I don't know if I will ever have enough money to go away oln holiday again. It frustrates me. However, I have so many other things financially and security that really I shouldn't be moaning about anything. But I do. The great divide!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - feeling as if I have caused the other persons feeling and angst towardds me. I don't know where the fine line is on things like this.
I also don't know how to manage the feengs i have about my new job and keeping thigs right sized.
Not a good day - definitely not a good day.

Loft guilt and flashy cars

Thoughts become things. Choose good ones
I have woken up feeling gloomy. I had a disturbing dream. Of course I only remember glimpses of it now. I was the husband and had bought a flashy car to upset my wife. I suggested she try and catch me. The car was more than a car of course (dreams) it could leap all over the place. It wasn't though as speedy as I thought it was as she at times could keep up with me. Then I started to feel really ill. I had some kind of degenerative disease. I was starting lose the ability to use my legs and gradually I wanted her to help me. I knew as minutes were going by that I also was losing my mind and really needed her to look after me. I managed to get to the back of our house. It was built into a hill in a city so the loft was level with the road at the back. L was in the loft wokring at her computer. This made me feel guilt as earlier in the dream when I was a woman, I discovered the loft. It was beautifully kitted out and G my husband had never shown me that part of the house. I had just assumed it was a loft. I then felt really bad coz M could have rented it and G said that's why he hadn't told me. I showed it to M anyway but it didn't have a bathroom and our bathroom was on the ground floor, 3 floors down.
All so weird.

So have woken up feeling gloomy.. Sometimes I am uncertain if events cause the underlying emotion or whether thats brain chemistry and then day to day events and enotions are tainted with that basic feeling. Or are events of yesterday just now beginning to have an effect on y mood. Scientifically I have always thought the latter but I also wonder if there is a gloominess about me that has to come out regardless of the sun, good things in my life etc. And other times I feel happy despite the difficulties of day to day.
Yesterday I received a call from my new emplyers. The first thing was in my references they had recieved notification of a high level of sickness. I blushed but thankfully they couldn't see that. Anyway I explained the recent sickness due to an adverse reaction to medication. I didn't mention the flu I had had back in October/November. I wished I had now. That was another 3 weeks off. I do think though that I was mentally as well as physically exhausted at times doing the work out on the road and more susceptible to the viruses especially working with people out on the street. It will be interesting to see if I have the same level of slow down as often in this job. I think it's a pattern though. Work, work, work and then need a longer break and fall ill.
The other thing that is appearing as the gloomiest news today is that P the manager of the team is leaving. He will be there until the beginning of May. It has frigtened me that she said he is going to do sales and marketing for a competitor. I know P has always said how good he is at business coming from a very successful family business background. He says he knows hi stuff and the family are a very wealthy family so I have always believed him. They know people, well connected within wealthy circles. As I am typing this I am just thinking it is only what he has said and I just believe him and look up to him without really having any evidence. However, I do think he has been instrumental in maintaining a higher level of clients coming into treatment. Now I am scared that a new manager won't be doing such a good job. I will be working for yet another department that gets a bad name and also won't be wokring with a manager who is able to draw the best from me as he/she will be trying to establish themself in their new role.
I am pissed off about this.
When will I be wokring for a good manager. I think I will talk to F about this - clinical director.
Just express my concerns. Will I wait until I start - yes I think I will. Hopefully there will be an induction week whereby I can get a moment to express this.
I will also wiat until the occupational nurse arrives and bring up the virus thing as well as the recent sickness I explained to F.
Anxiety about new job already. Still having written about it I have some sort of a plan.
I will chekc it out with friends as well.
Right back to studying now I have been able to empty my head a little of these issues.

Famous Bell Ringers

I seem to cut off on my last opsting rather abruptly. I write that as if it's a surprise.
I was talkign with E on the phone, typing the blog so that I didn't forget my latest realisation and putting on my boots ready to rush off to bell ringing.
M was waiting for me and off we whisked to the garage of G and A. The usual crew were there, R and G with his funny laugh. And two new ringers R and I. Off course I was completely star struck as I usually an meeting R and real published author. Trying to be cool I chatted nonchalantly as if I didn't know. She mentioned it and I equally nonchalantly said oh yes M mentione dot me. I entered into conversation with her about why she her agent had encouraged her to have a blog. I never, ever expected to meet a famous person bell ringing. Well it's a less embarrassing hobby now ner ner ner ner ner! I have sent an text to tell her as we were both having a luagh about my odd little hobby. I managed to Plain Hunt on 2 bell. I also rang the tenor for one of those dodger methods.
I so so so want to send my ever so overly drafted email to A. I think I am being so nonchalant (no only kidding). I think it's been a little humourous and also apologetic and quite adult. I have said
"Ugh! After picking myself off the floor, following a huge shame attack, I promise to send only succinct emails from here on.
(And at a time when Obama is making words fashionable again!!! Not willing to take all the blame he he)
I was able to laugh at myself once the shame started to diminish.
Poor you - longer and longer emails and more frequent, sorry A.
Thanks for pointing this out."
I have agreed with myself that I will not email until at least Wednesday. Already it's hard for me. I am such a blinking addict. Partly it's because I think I have written such a great email and like the fact that I am owning my feelings and saying sorry and I think this will spring him into thinking I am a great person and partly coz I want to send out that hook.
Well I have agreed with E not to. I can do it. Blimey I cut contact with J and it was just about a year before I was in contact with him again.
However, out socialising, just feel so inadequate. I can sit and chat with people willing to talk at emotional levels, no problem. BUt trying to have general chit chat or knowing anything about politics etc - I am hopeless. The have anecdotal stories that raise a chuckle. If I told them mine they would probably choke on their two peanuts and half a lager.
I think they are realising that I am not as young as they at first thought and treated me. I am sure this is after commenting to T on Friday during the practice that there are only 5 years between her and me. I know she was surprised. I was too. I thought she looks older than my mum when my mum died. I will not tell anyone other than E that.
I am still have so uch shame that I live in social housing. I am sure that's not the word these days. It's not my flat. I pay rent to a housing association. I think I am OK with it most of the time but I think the mwmber of the owners club do judge me. It's not the done thing is it? One is supposed to have made their fortune and have things to show for it. Gosh I have probably lost so much just by being on the run.
Wow it's after midnight pumpkin.
Just want to pay tribute to a special person S and her little mouse. Pleased to have made her acquaintance.

Blushing

My friend E called and asked what I am doing tonight. Squirmingly I said I am ging bell ringing. She smirkily said "On a Monday?!".
It is the most embarrassing hobby ever. And if "they" has said to me that in 8 years time when you have some clean time behind you, you will take up bell ringing, I swear that I would never ever have got clean.
It makes me laugh though. It's such a weird thing for me to be doing. The people are all ordinary somehow. They don't really talk much to me. I end up sitting on my own a lot. I think they really thought I was odd when I turned up on Halloween wearinga witches hat and all dressed in black. I took choccies along and mentioned that I had cast a spell on the chocs. He he he. M did pass a comment, something about there is probably a superstition about withces in churches. I AM NOT A WITCH! was what I wanted to scream YOU STUPID FOOL I AM JUST DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN - GET IT?????? I didn't, I just took off my witches hat and rang bells .
This evening though is in G and A's garage. They are such entusiasts they have their own set hanging in their garage. They are a dinky little sound.
Listening to E and her difficulties around work, it's interesting. Hearing a lot of things I can relate to. I just want to be well managed and work for a professional outfit where everyone does it right! I have always thought that. But BA, Hoggs, even the Saurday jobs Biggs, Rowledge Stores - none of them had it right!
The world is full of fallible people some trying harder than others and I don;t like it. In a childlike way I want that grown up who knows everything and can make it all OK to exist. I hated discovering my mum was fallible. Bit she wasn't really. She was just the best and I dare anyone to say differently. Consequently there is huge difficulty when in therapy if anyone dares go into that zone!
Right off to bell ring with my fallible ordinaries

stampedes and sea monsters

I keep breaking into chuckles, even whilst out walking I found myself laughing out loud.
Yesterday whilst out walking, M and I struggled over a gate to continue along the route we were following only to discover we hadwalked into a field of cows. M said will be OK? I said yes. After all they were behind us. I thought they looked quite cute all looking at us. We walked a little way and I thought I would just check on the cows only to see them chargin angrily towards us. I told M and he he he he he at that point she started running saying what do we do what do we do he he he he he he he. I said get out. At which point he he he he he she leapt like a cartoon character right over the fence he he he he he saying OK! I was laughing so much I couldn't run. he he he he
The cows stopped, I think in shock or mild amusement too.
Later on I was telling M about the bath I had with the herby bath bomb she had given me. I explained that I emerged frm the bath like a sea monster covered in seaweed. As the bloody thing fizzed in the bath water all these flipping herbs rose to the surface. I am still finding bits of herb in my hair. M was in pain laughing at the idea of it. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now this evening M is laughing at me again. I sent her an email sharing how ashamed I have been feeling - hurty hurty aaargy aargh aargh pride injusry hurty.
A sent a reply email to me saying "is it me or are your emails getting longer. I am no a prolific emailer myself" ugh ugh ugh. He didn't mean to shame me I'm sure but he sure ain't no chatty addict!!! And there I was thinking I was doing it properly.
But hey at a time when oratory is being revered and brought back into fashion by Obama - yes I know emails are not oratory but it's all blinking words isn't it. He he he he he he he he
Well my shame is diminishing as I share it. How embarrassing.
Well of course I immediately decided I would never ever ever send another email to him. Instaed I have decided to laugh at myself and write only very brief, succinct, concise, short, comprehensive, pithy, brusque, to the point emails.
Do you ever get those body judders when you think of something you've dsaid or done that just fills you with shame- well that's what I keep doing but with a smile now as well.

Something to work towards

Both professionally and personally, I would like to adopt the attitude that as a result of conversations I might change.
In other words instead of approaching general discussion or debates with a view of imparting my knowledge and hoping to enlighten someone else, I can approach the discussion etc with my opinions but be available to heat things that might change me.....
It's basic stuff really isn't it? But on a day to day basis I can be so overly opinionated and egotistical.
Even though my job requires me not to be.
This is ongoing work on my part.

Love, nurture and greatness. Smiling

“I am an example of what is possible when girls from the very beginning of their lives are loved and nurtured by people around them." Michelle Obama 02/04/09
I felt very angry and later sad when I read this quote. That was after at first feeling very strong admiration. She has been a great achiever and seems to portray a real sense of self. Yes I can see that has been given to her from a very young age. Cynically I think yeh bet she hasn't had all that loving and nurturing from the beginning of her life. It's just something she says. But if she has she is very lucky indeed. I felt angry coz I think the dysfunction within my family unit has contributed to me not really having a grip in the way of the world. I was ill-prepared for emotions and found strategies to deal with them that in the end have been damaging. I don't blame my mum and dad. I know my mum loved me but I can see how her ways of loving me were distorted through the history of her own family. My dad is I believe very screwed up and just didn't know any better.
But it pisses me off that it's only now, all these years later, thatn I am learning how to let myself be love and nurtured by the people around me and more importanly these days myself.
I am sad too that it has taken all this time. What a lot of potential has just been flittered away. It's not with regret - it's purely sadness.
I am also positive right now and tehrefore able to see how fortunate I am to have discovered a different way that is lovng and nurturing. Many, many people don;t ever get to experience what I have been experiencing in the last 8 years. And I can see great change and progress within me.
It is a pity in some ways that it's happening at 48 (nearly 49) but it's happening and that's the most important thing.
I was trying to explain this morning, when chatting with my friend E, just how much more freedom I am experiencing. I am wary that it's just a fleeting moment. And I put the shackles straight back on when I say this, but I think once achieved, freedom and happiness must be attained at all times - as E said, it's something to reach. But the freedom comes back again when I accept that for today I feel this way. Everything feels so much lighter and just the way it is. "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems". It's true it is. Yesterday I noticed how the feelings were current, not loaded with the shame and pain of the past. I can't even remember what the current feeling was because I talked about it and it's gone.
Even though my dad hasn't had contact, the pain is lessened and I think that's because I have been sharing with friends and support just how sad I have felt about that. The hurt that that has caused me and how I interpret it as being a bad and wrong person. And then people not keeping in contact or choosing not to have me as a friend anymore is reinforcing messages to me that I am a bad and wrong person. The truth is that I am very aware that past behaviours have been damaging to people and for that i am truly, truly sorry. It's true too that today I continue to make mistakes and have ways that are still not helathy or helpful. The difference is that I am willing to take a look at these behaviours and work towards changing them if I agree that there is a detrimental affect on others that is nothing to do with them bringing their issues into it as well. This people with people stuff is so complex and I belive I can be blamed for others' feelings and their own issues they bring to any relationship.
So yes I will take a look at my behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, etc and if there is room for improvement I will try to make changes. But I am not going to change things that work for me and are not loaded with selfishness etc. If I check my motives and really, really they are clean and pure then that is OK with me.
Gosh I really am strong and positive today.
It's a pleasing difference.
However, I am not studying.
Oh and with that change I have noticed how I am looking to see if I have had email replies from A. And feeling disappointedf and even angry with him when I haven't. Grr at me. How quickly the love addiction swoops in and takes over. The point is that after 2 years of not having contact with men and damaging relationships I would like to have a balance of mena dn women friendships. I have very close and supportive friends and I believe that takes a long time of a lot of effort and empotional intimacy. It's not that I am looking for. I would like to have a circle of people of both genders that bring a fullness to me relating with people. Yes it would be nice to be special to someone and to learn to have a special closeness with a man. Somethign I have never done in my complete mad life. This means developing friendships and just that. Being muyself, hearing others being themselves and accepting them as they are. And like I have learnt when having close friendships with women I can practice discernment. I think before a man could come into my life it would take several years of freindhsip now. Yet here I am mentally forcing the issue already.
I am aware of this and as an addict practicing recovery, the awareness enables me to alter my behaviour and attitude. So I commit here and now to stop this active desire for a boyfriend and see what happesn.
This is freedom to me - seeing what happens. Not trying to take control and force things to happen. There is a balance between just sitting back and hoping things will happen but so long as I don't allow the addictive me to push things then I can blow with the wind a little more.
Phew what a relief. That means I don't have to be anything I am not. I am who I am, I have lived the life I have lived and what people think of that is up to them. Freedom.
I am nurturing myself and loving myself. I can be great you see!

I had a lovely day with my friend M. After the morning meeting T, M and I had coffee and then M and I returned to my flat for lunch. As always we covered lots of topics. A lot is about her feelings as she has stopped smoking. I truly believe it to be the hardest thing I have given up. It shocks me still that something that seems so small is so, so powerful over the emotions. And all these giving up techniques and products forget or don't realise what is underneath the smoking. I am certain it's not just addicts that encounter this - after all anyone who smokes is an addict but most people associate addiction with drugs and alcohol. People don't seem to realise that behaviours can be addictive to - it's the individual who is the addict and can use just about anything to escape emotions. I also tend to think that the majority of people don't "do" emotions. That society has been teaching humans over the years to control emotions and supress them. Therefore I don't give credit to people outside of a self-awareness working model credit that they know how to process feelings etc. I intellectually know this is true but it's a judgement I make and can bias myself. However I do experience a large number of people who are just so not self-aware or prepared to look at themselves. And certainle seem unable or unwilling to disclose their feelings about things, maybe even totally unaware of their feelings.
Ther I go again, being judgemental and pointing the finger.
Such ego - I know best. It happens when I am feelign good and positive. I so quickly switch into thinking I have sucha a good handle on things and life. Guess what happens the next day or soner sometimes, I have a great big humbling session. I do have a lot of grwig wisdom but by no means know very much at all. I want to stay open to being teachable and can't learn anything if I think I am superior.
Blimey somethimes it's so hard justifying myself.
I am feeling good today and that's all I need to say.
Good doesn't mean that I am simply happy - good means that I have the full gambit of emotions. I am happy for the sunshine and for self-awareness and at least some way through the backlog of studying. I am happy I have the next week off before starting my new job for which I am feeling excited. I am feeling sad that my father has even less time for me yet here I am not contacting him either. I need to remember that when I do speak with him he is usually very damning of me and what I am doing and berates me just for being me and my passions. That's why I don't have contact with him. It still hurts that he doesn't seem to like me at all. So yes I am sad and still hurt about that. As for my childhood with him - well thankfully the pain of that seems to be less today. The legacy of it seems to be further away for today.
I am anxious about nmy lack of ability to disciline myself to study and therefore this raises my anxiety about being able to do my research project and report write-up (2500 words - shit!)
I would love to spend a day and night camping next weekend with M and T too but won't be able to if I don't get on with my studies.
I am hopeful about a succesful future. I feel smiley today.
I am feeling puffed up and hormonal and I feel angry and hateful about that.
There. If there are other emotions I don't know them right at this moment.
OK - some thoughts down now surely I can get on. Byeeeeeee

A nobody coz I'm not a somebody

Wow - it just washed over me suddenly, the reality that I will not be seeing clients H and L ever again. They wanted me to call yesterday to say goodbye but I decided not to having said goodbye on Tuesday. It felt as if I was trying to manipulate a leaving pressie from them. I wanted them to show how much they had enjoyed meeting with me each week.
I know it doesn't matter who they get their equipment and chat to about their problems so it was more pertinent not to call them.
I just felt the reality of never seeing them though and it was a horrid glimpse of the feeling.
It went away as quickly as it washed over. It's these little emotions that I have spent so many eyars not allowing myself to feel.
I do understand.
I am learning more.
It's OK to feel these things. I feel ashamed too of wanting them to like me - but I can allow myself the thoughts and the feelings and it's OK the great thing is that acknowledging these truths I can ensure I don;t act out on them. I an share the real me with my blog, my friends that I have learnt to get honest with and with whom I can openly discuss any judgements that are made and also whom I can say that I don't need feedback or opiniosn if I don't want them.
Yep more distraction away from studying - but I think it's stuff like this that is blocking y studying anyway.
Oh another thing I wasn't comfortable with was the results from the dyslexia assessment. It's great news that I am not dyslexic, horrid confirmation of dyscalculia - I interpret that to mean a dimwith mathematically but know that's not the case for eveyone else. BUT when she used the description of average - aaaaaargh - me average! I know I am but I hate to be labelled it. I want to be above average and spend so much time trying to prove I am above average yet sharing how comfy I am being just an average person - "another bod on the bus" and not needing to be a somebody - the reality is that that is not true at all. I want to be a somebosy otherwise I consider myself a nobody! It's still mighty strong in me isn't

Menas

Grrr - at myself. I seem to have concentration for my study for about 10 minutes at a time ad this is not enough to get through the ever growing workload I now have.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I know I have had a lot of unrest in the past 4 or so weeks - the stroke scare which turned out to be a severe migraine linked with hormones, interview folloed by a job offer then decisions to be made, the stress of the distance I will have to drive, leaving my job, increased self-awarenes regarding shortcomings and then looking at the damage caused t me and others as a result of those shortcomings. Wanting more males in my life is a big distraction but is that a distraction as a result of the studying and stress or contributing. I think there is a need to be in the flattered stage of meeting people - men. Any men reading this ugh it feels uncomfortable being this open and honest and fills me with shame to be so averagely femal - human. Yes it's a fact I would like to meet someone to share some time with BUT there are so many things that stand between me and a loving caring relationship - namely me and "issues".
However, it doesn;t stop me from now being open to the idea of men in my life- creating friendships. I have followed the suggestions of having female friends and stopping contact with destructive male relationships and now I only really know women. It would be lovely to have a selection of people both mael and female that I could invite to get together for say a Summer barbecue. Goodness knows where exactly this would happen having no space for anything like that. Anyway it is the thought of it that's appealing.
Blah blah blah. Rattling nonsense out here now instead of getting onw ith studying.
Toying with whether to stop now and go for the afternoon walk with LouLou now - it's so lovely and sunny or do some more studyig and go later. I think I will compromise and do another half an hour - which will take me to 1545. Walk for an hour menas getting home at 1645. Then I can have a bath and wash my hair - 1715 - 1730. Half an hour studying 1800 put on my dinner - eat at 1830 - bell ringing at 1900 until 2130. Home in time for perhaps a little more studying.
Then bed by what 2300? Hah that's if I don't take a sneaky look at Twitter.
I send a message to the Universe - vis Tut.com (introduced to me by a Twitter friend). I said what I would like and as I am always warned to be careful what I ask for I added a whole load of qualifying conditions. I get scared though that I haven't covered all angles and I will get a partial gift from the Universe. It is so so complicated being me sometimes. I can turn this faith in abundance into such a reward and punishment thing.
See what I mean - it's a constant complication.
Anyway - half an hours studying is getting eaten into - more later I am of no doubt.

Last Day

I tried to stay conscious today - to experiencve wverything as it was happening today, my last day working at N. "They" manager and secretary had organised a bloody team meeting. I know that it was arranged like this to coordinate with a meagre attempt at saying goodbye to me but honestly sitting for over 3 hours to things that no longer apply to me was very difficult. I chipped in a couple of times because despoite the things I find difficult about the service I am very passionate about the valuable job we have been doing.
He he he, I had told my co-worker that I wanted an ink pen if by chance they were thinking of getting me a leaving present. Well I really was horrified at the last leaving present - an engrave vase. Just not me at all. Luckily for me I have since learnt from D (co-worker) they ran out of time to get the pen engrvaed. I will think fondly of a couple fo the people L and D especially every time I use my very nice pen. Thanks everyone.
It seems so - mmmm - what does it seem so - so nothingish. One minute I was a working colleague and then within minutes I was history and everyone gets on with their job and the rest of their lives and I am already a memory. It feels very sad.
I haven't of course managed to stay present all day and experience teh thoguhts and feelings as they have happened. It still feels very much as if a apart of me hasn;t caught up with events. perhaps this is the way my soul deals with the very delicate balance within me - I am so so sensitive to change.
There is also a sense of passing of time .... N has been a consistent thread over the past 3 years. A lot of people have gone - Russell - S, J, a relationship with J, and other people have come and gone. Some places have been and gone C, Hampshire, Spain, H, Surrey. And situations have been traversed - such as starting my degree, sorting out somewhere to live, taking on greater responsibility for areas of my life, seeing S and working out some issues and so on. All through this N has been there in the background providing me with something constant. On my way home I had a real need to speak to someone who is around in my life. I need to hear the sound of stability if that makes sense. I called J - I think he got it slightly but then went off on his own tangent he often does. That's OK - it's interesting hearing someone else's take as well.
When my mum was alive I now realise that she provided that anchor that meant I could flit around, make impulsive decisions ( which might involve terrible mistakes). I changed jobs, partners, homes, personality and so on with the wind. I could because she was always there. She was the thread that ran through everything. Now she is dead I am the one who has to be my own consistent grown up. That feels so uncertain - after all I was the pne making the messes. The littel girl in me doesn't trust me to take care of me. I feel incapable of being the grown up - or rather I don't want to have to be the grown up.
I so so so mis mum. And this change today has aroused all these losses and sadnesses too.
Gosh no wonder there is a need to escape emotions - they are bloody piercing and so deep and intense.
I am tired.
I asked two of my colleagues to tell me three things they have found good about working with me three things they found difficult. Very interesting an I appreciate their willingness and honesty......
D gave me a lovey lovely list of positives. Her negative was that she thought at times I could be quite tough on new clients, giving them the hard line stuff straight away, wheras she would prefer to develop a trusting relationship with the clients before hitting them with that kidn of information. J said that he found my rigidity (harsh word I thought) both unhelpful and helpful. He said that being such the extreme opposite he found it really helpful to be able to take on some of the systems etc that I emply but at the same time he found it difficult.
Both had such valid comments and I am not surprised to hear those things. think it took so muchy out of them to tell me their difficulties that they couldn;t think of more. The positives, included that i am fun with a good sense of humour, encouraging and hard working. I am supportive and a good listener, open and honest. There were more. D took it so seriously she had written things down for me which I will stick in my journal. J did it there and then on the spot.
D asked me to do the same for her which i did.
It' all helpful feedback and enables me to continie to work on myself. Of course I hate hearing the criticism - just as hard hearing the positives and have to bracve myself for the difficulties and just listen without justification. I thanked them both and explained that it would assist me with my self development. K the other day happened to mention how he had noticed how controlling I am - I am such a bloody perfectionist.
Ugh I really would like for this to be removed. I trust that with my ongoing self-work it will diminish.
Phew I am working towards freedom, littel by little. I realise that the total freedom is when I am happy with myself and that I am OK just as I am, just where I am and with everything I need being available t e right at that moment. I understand it more and more - I just get in my own way - fear!
Phew I am tired.
My foot aches and I keep getting a pain up my leg.Of course with my paranoia I think it is something deadly.
Oh and whilst out last night celebrating A's birthday I got a severe headache. If elt nauseous and sick. I thought it was goin g to be this horrid hormonal migraine again. I was so worried that i think it was contributing to the headache. Thankfully the Paracetemol kept it at bay - I eventually got home to bed and slept well. I did get the occasional moment of giddiness and nausia today but I think it's gone now. Thank goodness.
I would not want what I tried to endure a few weeks ago again.