I hadn't realised could access Blogger at work. I am sure I am not supposed to. But I am sitting here waiting for my client to arrive and every minute sitting still brings on feelings and thoughts.
It seems really silly now - I signed on and saw a new follower JH - and then discovered his Blog site. It just seems silly that really we are communicating through our Blogs. He is probably reading mine and now I am reading his. What is this now that's going on? What are we really achieving or aiming for between us?
As I drove in this morning I witnessed another, yes yet another beautiful sunrise. I took a picture - not a great encapture of the reality. It is surely impossible to capture the feeling I get with the sunrise each morning. Yesterday the colours were so so vibrant. Today all pastels and squiggles that caught the light in bizarre ways. These things I would like to share with someone. My friends, yes they are sort of interested. But someone who gets me and cherishes my quirks. I loved JH for him and his quirks.
I don't think he would have ever realised that I do not judge because I know when I got angry it sounded as if I did judge him. I constantly want to work on this so that even in the depth of troublesome emotions I can maintain my principles. I do not judge people for the ways they want to be. But if I don;t know the full facts of a way a person is, their behaviour, beliefs, attitude, motives, opinions etc. etc., then the dignity of choice is removed.
I have been wondering what happens next between us. JH tells me and writes about the changes he is making. I want to believe him. I kept believing him but really I knew my intuition told me otherwise.
I do not wish to be hurt anymore. All I can do is wait and see.
I have sent a message now via Whatsapp to enuire when he is might be available over the weekend if he still wishes for us to speak together. I have no idea what to expect from myself if and when we speak.
I truly hope JH is feeling good. I read that he has booked his tickets to America. It seems so easy for him to carry on without me. That hurts too.
I am damned well striggling.
Another person today cmmented on how well I suddenly look - smiling and calm. Another reminder of how I have invested time trying to work out what was going on, not wanting to believe it and trying to stop it from being so. And all along it is really up to JH. The truth was revealed just as JH kept saying. He says his eyes are open now. I wonder what he sees?
I have arranged some pleasant things with friends and also organised my hair cut and coour tomorrow. Doing something nice for myself. Every penny I had extra I was keeping for the trip to the US. Well now I can spend it on getting my hari done and having my car serviced. JH just didn;t know how much I invested myself and everything I did into our relaitnship. Everything I was dong was for the us part of him and I. I feel disappointed. It wasn;t worth it it seems.
I am rambling from topic to topic.
Today I had an interesting 1:1 with my cline.t He is questioning everything and wanting solid answers . He obstructs himself by being so rigid and closed minded. He is such a lovely guy and certainly wants something different in his life. Each time he comes along her just wants to argue about why this doesn;t work and nor does that. He has such a lot of anger and he seems to need to dump it on things that don;t seem to be working for him. They are ot working because the things he is angry with are not resolvable by AA but AA provides the outlet to make changes to oneself.
I said to JH the other day how strange I find it (without judgement) that so many people try to focus on living in tuen with the land but forget to get in tuen with oneself first. We are nature too not just the trees and the seasons. We have cycles and emotional responses and a whole macro world to first get in tune with. Follow the Universe. We are where we are today. We don;t need to ignore the current developments and technologies to be in sink with spirituality. This is how man has developed. That is spiritual surely and natural. We are evolving and surely we shouldn't deny that? Of course there are problems caused by developement or contributed to by change. But it doesn;t mean we are setting out to destroy on purpose.
What does seem so destructive to me is the non-acceptance of people as they are. So there are differences. That is surely manageable. We can live side by side and tolarate differences, even celebrate differences. It's possible to learn by the differences. But to war against differences. That is surely not a spiritual principle. I don't like that at all. I feel sad at the hatred that exists between people. I feel more at one with the Universe when I am accepting of people - I feel peace. Doesn;t mean I have to adopt their ways as the right way. So long as I am practiving my principles and those include not intentiaonally harming anyone along the way. I surely make mistakes - just look at the way things are right now. Ouch!!!
Well I am tired. It's very cold here. I hope the snow doesn;t make it's way here. I am snuggled up tonight though. Watching a movie ... Memento. I have always thought very highly of Guy Pearson. He looks incredibly thin in the film though.
Fascinating start. I thought I had seen it but can't remember a thing about - hahahahahahaha - only funny if you know the film I suppose.
I am surprised by the way how I have absolutely no interest for SecondLife. A good thing in my opinion.
I am letting go of wondering if JH has set up another avatar or using an older one. I consider all the things he can do to hide better but letting go. It's his business. I truly hope that I could believe and trust him. But then what for - we have no relationship. My heart truly feels very broken.
Bliss
XX
It seems really silly now - I signed on and saw a new follower JH - and then discovered his Blog site. It just seems silly that really we are communicating through our Blogs. He is probably reading mine and now I am reading his. What is this now that's going on? What are we really achieving or aiming for between us?
As I drove in this morning I witnessed another, yes yet another beautiful sunrise. I took a picture - not a great encapture of the reality. It is surely impossible to capture the feeling I get with the sunrise each morning. Yesterday the colours were so so vibrant. Today all pastels and squiggles that caught the light in bizarre ways. These things I would like to share with someone. My friends, yes they are sort of interested. But someone who gets me and cherishes my quirks. I loved JH for him and his quirks.
I don't think he would have ever realised that I do not judge because I know when I got angry it sounded as if I did judge him. I constantly want to work on this so that even in the depth of troublesome emotions I can maintain my principles. I do not judge people for the ways they want to be. But if I don;t know the full facts of a way a person is, their behaviour, beliefs, attitude, motives, opinions etc. etc., then the dignity of choice is removed.
I have been wondering what happens next between us. JH tells me and writes about the changes he is making. I want to believe him. I kept believing him but really I knew my intuition told me otherwise.
I do not wish to be hurt anymore. All I can do is wait and see.
I have sent a message now via Whatsapp to enuire when he is might be available over the weekend if he still wishes for us to speak together. I have no idea what to expect from myself if and when we speak.
I truly hope JH is feeling good. I read that he has booked his tickets to America. It seems so easy for him to carry on without me. That hurts too.
I am damned well striggling.
Another person today cmmented on how well I suddenly look - smiling and calm. Another reminder of how I have invested time trying to work out what was going on, not wanting to believe it and trying to stop it from being so. And all along it is really up to JH. The truth was revealed just as JH kept saying. He says his eyes are open now. I wonder what he sees?
I have arranged some pleasant things with friends and also organised my hair cut and coour tomorrow. Doing something nice for myself. Every penny I had extra I was keeping for the trip to the US. Well now I can spend it on getting my hari done and having my car serviced. JH just didn;t know how much I invested myself and everything I did into our relaitnship. Everything I was dong was for the us part of him and I. I feel disappointed. It wasn;t worth it it seems.
I am rambling from topic to topic.
Today I had an interesting 1:1 with my cline.t He is questioning everything and wanting solid answers . He obstructs himself by being so rigid and closed minded. He is such a lovely guy and certainly wants something different in his life. Each time he comes along her just wants to argue about why this doesn;t work and nor does that. He has such a lot of anger and he seems to need to dump it on things that don;t seem to be working for him. They are ot working because the things he is angry with are not resolvable by AA but AA provides the outlet to make changes to oneself.
I said to JH the other day how strange I find it (without judgement) that so many people try to focus on living in tuen with the land but forget to get in tuen with oneself first. We are nature too not just the trees and the seasons. We have cycles and emotional responses and a whole macro world to first get in tune with. Follow the Universe. We are where we are today. We don;t need to ignore the current developments and technologies to be in sink with spirituality. This is how man has developed. That is spiritual surely and natural. We are evolving and surely we shouldn't deny that? Of course there are problems caused by developement or contributed to by change. But it doesn;t mean we are setting out to destroy on purpose.
What does seem so destructive to me is the non-acceptance of people as they are. So there are differences. That is surely manageable. We can live side by side and tolarate differences, even celebrate differences. It's possible to learn by the differences. But to war against differences. That is surely not a spiritual principle. I don't like that at all. I feel sad at the hatred that exists between people. I feel more at one with the Universe when I am accepting of people - I feel peace. Doesn;t mean I have to adopt their ways as the right way. So long as I am practiving my principles and those include not intentiaonally harming anyone along the way. I surely make mistakes - just look at the way things are right now. Ouch!!!
Well I am tired. It's very cold here. I hope the snow doesn;t make it's way here. I am snuggled up tonight though. Watching a movie ... Memento. I have always thought very highly of Guy Pearson. He looks incredibly thin in the film though.
Fascinating start. I thought I had seen it but can't remember a thing about - hahahahahahaha - only funny if you know the film I suppose.
I am surprised by the way how I have absolutely no interest for SecondLife. A good thing in my opinion.
I am letting go of wondering if JH has set up another avatar or using an older one. I consider all the things he can do to hide better but letting go. It's his business. I truly hope that I could believe and trust him. But then what for - we have no relationship. My heart truly feels very broken.
Bliss
XX
