I am teetering on the edge of annihilation. I am standing in the gateway of hell. I am toying with death, playing Russian roulette.
On Saturday at the Petersfield meeting the second part of Step 12 was read. The part starts with discussion about relationships. From the 12 x12 it reads thus:
"...we do have sex and marital problems, and sometimes they are distressingly accuse."
This is try for me on the basis that it's not the physical sex but that is what's underlying the distressingly acute problem of confusion with sex. It underlies the human attraction. I imagine that with the slightest smile all the hormones and nerve endings are set in motion.
G over a period of months has shown an interest in me. Nothing dramatically obvious. Friendliness in a meeting, then more regularly sitting next to me, then taking my number to invite me to do a chair, then calls, then an afternoon walking. All the time I'm becoming more hooked. There's an attraction about him. But also many things that do not fit. I guess in usual circumstances it would be dating that would reveal if some things are too difficult to live with than the good things or whether they pale into insignificance. Anyhow I have a commitment to not dating and as rightly pointed out to me, one on one anything is a form of dating.
"...Nearly every human being experiences, at some time in life, a compelling desire to find a mate of the opposite sex with whom the fullest possible union can be made - spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. This mighty urge is the root of all human accomplishments, a creative energy that deeply influences our lives. God fashioned us this way. So our question will be this: How, by ignorance, compulsion, and self-will, do we misuse this gift for our own destruction?"
Where do I start? So the gradual drip, drip feed was being mastered. Perhaps knowingly perhaps not. I suspect the former. Gosh! I want to regain my dignity and if even suspecting that to not be sucked into it. I want to trust but I need to listen to my instinct too. After all I know he went out with A who was married. And he has this fondness and ongoing connection with another married woman who once he fantasised about living with. He cancelled a "date" with me because she dropped something on him at the last minute. I know this is the material for my self destruction.
Yes I was disappointed at being dropped. It's how it is and more evidence that this isn't for me. I deserve better. And all my insecurities are on the surface. Late night texts, contact with many women, and I start to go into the decline of comparison. "why aren't I enough?"
We are not having a relationship. We both said that in a semi open conversation on Sunday just gone. A lovely afternoon walk. The discussion included (things I remember) him saying that he has issues making commitments. The other woman - I got the message I believe that she will always come first. He brought up having sex with me. I spoke about a commitment to no dating and just not ready to enter into any relationship right now.
And yet i thought that was enough to then continue with this contact. In fact it increased my desire. The destructive compulsion.
There are a number of things that just don't attract me to him yet there are a number of more subtle things that do.
I keep hearing myself say "you're so like my dad". Cynical, derogatory about people, demeaning and dismissing. He is intelligent as in he knows a lot about facts but in terms of living and kind, he's still locked into the resentments of a little hurt boy and screaming angrily at the world. His solace is in the countryside with animals but without people.
So last night I had to go there I suppose. I engineered it so that G would take me to the meeting. I wanted to appear as a particular somebody. God gave it all to me. A person returning to the rooms. A guy seated next to me who was new and from the treatment centre I was using as bait with G. That sounds horrible writing it but it's the truth. All the wrong reasons for going to a meeting. And then the chair talked about a relationship she'd just come out of nearly crippling her. It sounded so familiar. All the usual undignified behaviours and interactions that I have from my past. The indignity that comes with insecurity and already I can feel that with G. The lack of self worth creeping in as I just accept that I am cancelled for someone else who I deem as more important so of course you can cancel me.
Bloody hell. It's not okay. And ironic that I am faced with this unmanageability and insane thinking. The compulsion has been furious. Gaining momentum at the slightest hint of me trying to do it my way. I am meek against this compulsion. I am being sucked into the black hole this time with my eyes wide open.
Thank you God for the clarity to see the signs. I knew them but have been denying them. Thank you for keeping that darkness of denial from completely descending. Thank you for the ability to get honest.
Ironic as I stand on the threshold of Step 3 and making a decision. I really want my recovery. I am an addict without doubt. I am both devastated to really feel the power of it and delighted. I have less and less doubts. Please God may I continue to strengthen my commitment to my recovery.
As the clarity is coming through my desire for recovery I am beginning to know what I need to say.
I will write it as a prompt. I do not want to be swayed. I partially said it but with so much reluctance. I knew I was resistant. Now I'm not. I want recovery. Maybe this will mean another 90 days. I suspect so. Whatever it takes.
The most important thing is that I cut the contact. I don't want to have to but I know I need to. No walks, no more chats on the phone. I hope that G will understand its not him, it's all me. What's good for him I fully accept. I hope that he'll be open to friendship in the future and who knows maybe I'll be more available to date and get to know him better. That's not what I'll say. There must be a better way if saying that. I do not want him to think in any way this is judgement of him. I like him very much and that's the start of the problem.
Thank you God for this resolve. Okay it's now in the action I take.
I commit fully to my recovery.
Please God help me to have the strength to put my recovery first.
Thank you for the vision, awareness and foresight. Including the returning person J , the chair and 12 step reading. Plus all the signs when interacting with G. Thank you God.
Bliss
Xx
On Saturday at the Petersfield meeting the second part of Step 12 was read. The part starts with discussion about relationships. From the 12 x12 it reads thus:
"...we do have sex and marital problems, and sometimes they are distressingly accuse."
This is try for me on the basis that it's not the physical sex but that is what's underlying the distressingly acute problem of confusion with sex. It underlies the human attraction. I imagine that with the slightest smile all the hormones and nerve endings are set in motion.
G over a period of months has shown an interest in me. Nothing dramatically obvious. Friendliness in a meeting, then more regularly sitting next to me, then taking my number to invite me to do a chair, then calls, then an afternoon walking. All the time I'm becoming more hooked. There's an attraction about him. But also many things that do not fit. I guess in usual circumstances it would be dating that would reveal if some things are too difficult to live with than the good things or whether they pale into insignificance. Anyhow I have a commitment to not dating and as rightly pointed out to me, one on one anything is a form of dating.
"...Nearly every human being experiences, at some time in life, a compelling desire to find a mate of the opposite sex with whom the fullest possible union can be made - spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. This mighty urge is the root of all human accomplishments, a creative energy that deeply influences our lives. God fashioned us this way. So our question will be this: How, by ignorance, compulsion, and self-will, do we misuse this gift for our own destruction?"
Where do I start? So the gradual drip, drip feed was being mastered. Perhaps knowingly perhaps not. I suspect the former. Gosh! I want to regain my dignity and if even suspecting that to not be sucked into it. I want to trust but I need to listen to my instinct too. After all I know he went out with A who was married. And he has this fondness and ongoing connection with another married woman who once he fantasised about living with. He cancelled a "date" with me because she dropped something on him at the last minute. I know this is the material for my self destruction.
Yes I was disappointed at being dropped. It's how it is and more evidence that this isn't for me. I deserve better. And all my insecurities are on the surface. Late night texts, contact with many women, and I start to go into the decline of comparison. "why aren't I enough?"
We are not having a relationship. We both said that in a semi open conversation on Sunday just gone. A lovely afternoon walk. The discussion included (things I remember) him saying that he has issues making commitments. The other woman - I got the message I believe that she will always come first. He brought up having sex with me. I spoke about a commitment to no dating and just not ready to enter into any relationship right now.
And yet i thought that was enough to then continue with this contact. In fact it increased my desire. The destructive compulsion.
There are a number of things that just don't attract me to him yet there are a number of more subtle things that do.
I keep hearing myself say "you're so like my dad". Cynical, derogatory about people, demeaning and dismissing. He is intelligent as in he knows a lot about facts but in terms of living and kind, he's still locked into the resentments of a little hurt boy and screaming angrily at the world. His solace is in the countryside with animals but without people.
So last night I had to go there I suppose. I engineered it so that G would take me to the meeting. I wanted to appear as a particular somebody. God gave it all to me. A person returning to the rooms. A guy seated next to me who was new and from the treatment centre I was using as bait with G. That sounds horrible writing it but it's the truth. All the wrong reasons for going to a meeting. And then the chair talked about a relationship she'd just come out of nearly crippling her. It sounded so familiar. All the usual undignified behaviours and interactions that I have from my past. The indignity that comes with insecurity and already I can feel that with G. The lack of self worth creeping in as I just accept that I am cancelled for someone else who I deem as more important so of course you can cancel me.
Bloody hell. It's not okay. And ironic that I am faced with this unmanageability and insane thinking. The compulsion has been furious. Gaining momentum at the slightest hint of me trying to do it my way. I am meek against this compulsion. I am being sucked into the black hole this time with my eyes wide open.
Thank you God for the clarity to see the signs. I knew them but have been denying them. Thank you for keeping that darkness of denial from completely descending. Thank you for the ability to get honest.
Ironic as I stand on the threshold of Step 3 and making a decision. I really want my recovery. I am an addict without doubt. I am both devastated to really feel the power of it and delighted. I have less and less doubts. Please God may I continue to strengthen my commitment to my recovery.
As the clarity is coming through my desire for recovery I am beginning to know what I need to say.
I will write it as a prompt. I do not want to be swayed. I partially said it but with so much reluctance. I knew I was resistant. Now I'm not. I want recovery. Maybe this will mean another 90 days. I suspect so. Whatever it takes.
The most important thing is that I cut the contact. I don't want to have to but I know I need to. No walks, no more chats on the phone. I hope that G will understand its not him, it's all me. What's good for him I fully accept. I hope that he'll be open to friendship in the future and who knows maybe I'll be more available to date and get to know him better. That's not what I'll say. There must be a better way if saying that. I do not want him to think in any way this is judgement of him. I like him very much and that's the start of the problem.
Thank you God for this resolve. Okay it's now in the action I take.
I commit fully to my recovery.
Please God help me to have the strength to put my recovery first.
Thank you for the vision, awareness and foresight. Including the returning person J , the chair and 12 step reading. Plus all the signs when interacting with G. Thank you God.
Bliss
Xx
