The Universe wrote to me today .............. I stopped for a moment to read and discovered some deep sorrow is lurking there.
If you're really honest, Pamela, you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been.Well done, The Universe
So then Universe why do I feel so ???????? down.
All I want came to mind for a moment then (I smiled in irony) - and that's of course a lie --- when I get what I think will be the saviour of me I simply want something else or more. I feel like I really want to run as far away as I can. As there isn't anywhere far enough then it turns into wanting to cut to get that ultimate feel of peace. I was trying to describe it to someone the other day and got the real sense of wanting that sensation. It feels like I am floating on air - nothing and noone sle around. The ultimate sense of serenity and nothingness. I so want that out sensation. Nothing hurts anymore, nothing matters, noone can get me. The thought of it is so so compelling. I wish I had discovered that earlier in my life. I feel cheated because in recovery of course I can't do that - it's a ducking relapse if I do. I didn;t get enough usage out that. See the addiction in me is strong right now. I want to get out of this world.
I don't feel suicidal for a change but I do want to be out of it.
When in active addiction living life is far too difficukt.that's a change - i used to use because living life without was too difficult.
I would like a really lovely boyfriend - emotionally intelligent, loves me, cherishes me enough to be alongside me through all the issues I have - sex, the need for a champion to save me from my dad and the big bad world. And of how to connect with humans and intimacy.
I feel so so so aloneI haven't been remembering Universe that I am never alone if I connect with you - I can't feel the love of that thought seeping in like I usually do. Normally I just say that and start connecting. Why am I so shut down? I think because if I opne up I will feel the immense hurt I feel - the abandonment of my dad the loneliness without my mum on this planet. The hurt of her withdrawing her love at times. Not saving me from the horrid things with my dad. If I let you in I will truly feel. And the feelings seem so strong they could kill me - that's how it seems.
I am therefore not really connecting with you.
Help me to let you in - to trust. I need some help - I feel desperation growing which is easier it seems than to feel these feelings.
It hurts in my soul and in my heart.
I am a little girl left alone in the forest, it's dark and frightening, strange noises and I have got to take care of myself if I am going to survive. Noone is looking for me.
My friend doesn't even know I am missing.
