My dad died last night. I am relieved for him. I think yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Being in the house all afternoon and early evening with his wife and daughters. I experienced so much pain. It's as if I didn't exist. It's as if the whole life before them didn't exist. Of course for them his previous life didn't. But I am so sensitive to the way in which that was dealt with. I have string negative feelings towards his wife and youngest daughter. The eldest has been thoughtful and supportive. Such a noticeable difference if kindness and selflessness. I've practiced grace because I do not want to be like these people have been. If we get a chance to speak I can explain more. Thank goodness someone was with me to witness it all otherwise I'd as usual think its me and in my Imagination. I am consumed with this bad feeling which if course is a distraction from the death of my dad. Great big layers of emotions and events on too if one another and intricately interwoven. It is seeming all too much. I feel as if I won't be able to cope. I feel as if I'm exploding with the complicity of the situation and the overwhelming feelings. I know I'll probably get through it - it just feels right now as if I can't. I hurt sooooo much! I can't even begin to put into words the strength of the hurt I feel. Loss of his life is strangely acceptable. What ice experience around this is just so flipping confusing. I don't really know what to do with myself. And this emotion attached to wanting to take possession of some items that I know she won't let me have. Wanting to have the previous years acknowledged which she won't. Some horrible things happened yesterday that leave me feeling so utterly helpless. List. Tossed aside. My entire 52 years is under question. It's so horrid. I don't like the strength of the feelings against her that I have. I don't like the feeling of desperately wanting to have these items. I don't like the feeling I have as I'm excluded like I barely exist. How on earth is it possible to deal with this. I'm an adult supposedly and I just wonder how children are supposed to cope with similar situations of divided families. No wonder there can be trauma, anxiety, and then behaviours that can be devastating for the child - and I'm only touching what i think about this. It seems a bloody cruel world. And what's it all about? Why so much meanness? People say he'll know now he's in spirit etc etc. But the damage is done. I have to pick my damage up and work through it myself. He was never going to help me and in his dying and death there has been even more. I feel baffled as to why its been so horrible. I don't think I deserve it at all. I wonder if the final slap will be in the will. And I feel do awful about myself for being so grabbing. It is another grating element with a nasty taste from me that I don't like. It goes over in my head with such a loathsome feeling towards myself. But I just can't let go. I am truly wanting all this to pass because I don't feel as if I can survive it right now. Today I'll go to see him in the chapel -
