A nobody coz I'm not a somebody

Wow - it just washed over me suddenly, the reality that I will not be seeing clients H and L ever again. They wanted me to call yesterday to say goodbye but I decided not to having said goodbye on Tuesday. It felt as if I was trying to manipulate a leaving pressie from them. I wanted them to show how much they had enjoyed meeting with me each week.
I know it doesn't matter who they get their equipment and chat to about their problems so it was more pertinent not to call them.
I just felt the reality of never seeing them though and it was a horrid glimpse of the feeling.
It went away as quickly as it washed over. It's these little emotions that I have spent so many eyars not allowing myself to feel.
I do understand.
I am learning more.
It's OK to feel these things. I feel ashamed too of wanting them to like me - but I can allow myself the thoughts and the feelings and it's OK the great thing is that acknowledging these truths I can ensure I don;t act out on them. I an share the real me with my blog, my friends that I have learnt to get honest with and with whom I can openly discuss any judgements that are made and also whom I can say that I don't need feedback or opiniosn if I don't want them.
Yep more distraction away from studying - but I think it's stuff like this that is blocking y studying anyway.
Oh another thing I wasn't comfortable with was the results from the dyslexia assessment. It's great news that I am not dyslexic, horrid confirmation of dyscalculia - I interpret that to mean a dimwith mathematically but know that's not the case for eveyone else. BUT when she used the description of average - aaaaaargh - me average! I know I am but I hate to be labelled it. I want to be above average and spend so much time trying to prove I am above average yet sharing how comfy I am being just an average person - "another bod on the bus" and not needing to be a somebody - the reality is that that is not true at all. I want to be a somebosy otherwise I consider myself a nobody! It's still mighty strong in me isn't

Menas

Grrr - at myself. I seem to have concentration for my study for about 10 minutes at a time ad this is not enough to get through the ever growing workload I now have.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I know I have had a lot of unrest in the past 4 or so weeks - the stroke scare which turned out to be a severe migraine linked with hormones, interview folloed by a job offer then decisions to be made, the stress of the distance I will have to drive, leaving my job, increased self-awarenes regarding shortcomings and then looking at the damage caused t me and others as a result of those shortcomings. Wanting more males in my life is a big distraction but is that a distraction as a result of the studying and stress or contributing. I think there is a need to be in the flattered stage of meeting people - men. Any men reading this ugh it feels uncomfortable being this open and honest and fills me with shame to be so averagely femal - human. Yes it's a fact I would like to meet someone to share some time with BUT there are so many things that stand between me and a loving caring relationship - namely me and "issues".
However, it doesn;t stop me from now being open to the idea of men in my life- creating friendships. I have followed the suggestions of having female friends and stopping contact with destructive male relationships and now I only really know women. It would be lovely to have a selection of people both mael and female that I could invite to get together for say a Summer barbecue. Goodness knows where exactly this would happen having no space for anything like that. Anyway it is the thought of it that's appealing.
Blah blah blah. Rattling nonsense out here now instead of getting onw ith studying.
Toying with whether to stop now and go for the afternoon walk with LouLou now - it's so lovely and sunny or do some more studyig and go later. I think I will compromise and do another half an hour - which will take me to 1545. Walk for an hour menas getting home at 1645. Then I can have a bath and wash my hair - 1715 - 1730. Half an hour studying 1800 put on my dinner - eat at 1830 - bell ringing at 1900 until 2130. Home in time for perhaps a little more studying.
Then bed by what 2300? Hah that's if I don't take a sneaky look at Twitter.
I send a message to the Universe - vis Tut.com (introduced to me by a Twitter friend). I said what I would like and as I am always warned to be careful what I ask for I added a whole load of qualifying conditions. I get scared though that I haven't covered all angles and I will get a partial gift from the Universe. It is so so complicated being me sometimes. I can turn this faith in abundance into such a reward and punishment thing.
See what I mean - it's a constant complication.
Anyway - half an hours studying is getting eaten into - more later I am of no doubt.