Where is the line between these. We have this ability to be able to read people BUT do we really read them or do we impute our own interpretations, drawn from our experiences bot positive and negative onto others. I know people who think they read others and talk about getting a sense of what's going on. BUT they don't know me really when it comes to it. Yes they will have picked up something but not accurately. And it is annoying when they think they KNOW.
And I think I am over sensitive to this. I think I KNOW. So a flash of a look or a raise of an eyebrow or a downturn of a mouth. There's a psychological term for this and a US series was based on it. A load of rubbish as a series really but I liked the inference. It's just that people do (including me I hasten to add) seem to make assumptions that they know without checking out.
How to check out though when someone seems over sensitive themselves or angry. And to do it without pissing people off. Is that fear or is that consideration? I'm not sure.
Right now I believe G is yet again in a stroppy mood. He withdrew last night when saying to me that he thought I was doing too much and I disagreed. I read into his comment, like I often did with my dad, that it was a manipulative way for me to do what he wanted me to do, i.e. less studying. Or something like that. I think he has feelings about the time I'm putting into it. And instead of saying that outright I've read into his statement. And my response was "I'm not doing too much". He was angry saying that I just don't like being told what to do. He's probably right. Actually he is right. I get really irritated when people state the flipping obvious like you need to take time out, or do your study in blocks of 20 minutes etc. I KNOW!!!! I'm not a flipping idiot. But they don't know what I know or not. I just think people could give me more credit.
Anyhow, he withdrew and I went to bed. I'm just tired of the moodiness and withdrawal. It's hard work. I can just let him get on with it though and write and study. I'm not sure about this afternoon though as I think we were going to walk together and then visit the F's. But to be honest I would rather go alone if he's going to be moody and critical as he often is. He will feel uncomfortable which I get but instead of dealing with that he becomes grouchy and rude. I don't need that shit ANYMORE. I've had it all my life. Amazing how I am seeing the similarities and yet letting it happen. And then I wonder why my mum didn't do anything to change the situation.
I want to say to G that I need some time and space. But I then feel sad for him. People have always got rid of him. His mother. The most critical relationship. And then children's homes. How fucking awful. I want to show him I love him for the person he is. I'm not sure though I want a deeper relationship than that. Yet I went into it hammer and tongs and usual. Playing house well before I knew if it was right or wrong for me. I always do this. And then as things dawn on me I lose respect and then it becomes resentment and difficult to unpick. I don't want to lose his friendship. I love him I truly do. But I'm not in love with the entirety of him. But then I question is this me wanting out when things get tricky and not how I like things to be??
Please Universe show me and help me. I do not want to hurt G at all. I really don't. And at the same time I want to take care of myself. Until I know how to I will do nothing.
I need to call the F's though.
And I think I need to speak with my client if the opportunity arises. Only the Universe will make that happen or not. I would like to tell her that this has cause me much consideration since we spoke. She really matters and I have been enjoying working with her and observing her incredible tenacity and determination. It doesn't happen often. I regret that my own lack of clarity has even raised this issue. My mistake was in not being clear about talking about the impact of situations on her rather than talking about the specific events in the group environment. And this raised concerns about whether that can be raised in group or not. We wanted to protect her from that and I was clumsy in my delivery. I will certainly learn from that and sorry that my delivery has caused the worry that it has. I am also sorry that I hadn't been clear in even the follow up discussion which was indicative of my own lack of clarity about the issue in the first place. She was right that I/we need to be certain of this.
I don't know how to follow it up from that point onwards. Depending on what happens on Monday there may be a chance to say this in a 1:1 and in the meantime I have supervision on Tuesday morning to really bring all of my feelings to the fore.
So G is saying that he can't talk to me at all. Is that true? I don't think it's entirely true. He's been getting grumpier as the week has gone on. He tells me I bat things away when he makes suggestions. I did bat that away last night because of my thoughts that he was wanting me to not study or there's some reaction to me not having as much available time. He's right on that part I did bat it away.
However the way he then uses that as a way of batting me away makes it impossible to talk. I really don't think I want to bother trying anymore
So I think it needs to end. And I think it will end with difficulty. Another bad feeling in the world which I really would prefer not to have to have.
Universe please help me.
Bliss
XX
And I think I am over sensitive to this. I think I KNOW. So a flash of a look or a raise of an eyebrow or a downturn of a mouth. There's a psychological term for this and a US series was based on it. A load of rubbish as a series really but I liked the inference. It's just that people do (including me I hasten to add) seem to make assumptions that they know without checking out.
How to check out though when someone seems over sensitive themselves or angry. And to do it without pissing people off. Is that fear or is that consideration? I'm not sure.
Right now I believe G is yet again in a stroppy mood. He withdrew last night when saying to me that he thought I was doing too much and I disagreed. I read into his comment, like I often did with my dad, that it was a manipulative way for me to do what he wanted me to do, i.e. less studying. Or something like that. I think he has feelings about the time I'm putting into it. And instead of saying that outright I've read into his statement. And my response was "I'm not doing too much". He was angry saying that I just don't like being told what to do. He's probably right. Actually he is right. I get really irritated when people state the flipping obvious like you need to take time out, or do your study in blocks of 20 minutes etc. I KNOW!!!! I'm not a flipping idiot. But they don't know what I know or not. I just think people could give me more credit.
Anyhow, he withdrew and I went to bed. I'm just tired of the moodiness and withdrawal. It's hard work. I can just let him get on with it though and write and study. I'm not sure about this afternoon though as I think we were going to walk together and then visit the F's. But to be honest I would rather go alone if he's going to be moody and critical as he often is. He will feel uncomfortable which I get but instead of dealing with that he becomes grouchy and rude. I don't need that shit ANYMORE. I've had it all my life. Amazing how I am seeing the similarities and yet letting it happen. And then I wonder why my mum didn't do anything to change the situation.
I want to say to G that I need some time and space. But I then feel sad for him. People have always got rid of him. His mother. The most critical relationship. And then children's homes. How fucking awful. I want to show him I love him for the person he is. I'm not sure though I want a deeper relationship than that. Yet I went into it hammer and tongs and usual. Playing house well before I knew if it was right or wrong for me. I always do this. And then as things dawn on me I lose respect and then it becomes resentment and difficult to unpick. I don't want to lose his friendship. I love him I truly do. But I'm not in love with the entirety of him. But then I question is this me wanting out when things get tricky and not how I like things to be??
Please Universe show me and help me. I do not want to hurt G at all. I really don't. And at the same time I want to take care of myself. Until I know how to I will do nothing.
I need to call the F's though.
And I think I need to speak with my client if the opportunity arises. Only the Universe will make that happen or not. I would like to tell her that this has cause me much consideration since we spoke. She really matters and I have been enjoying working with her and observing her incredible tenacity and determination. It doesn't happen often. I regret that my own lack of clarity has even raised this issue. My mistake was in not being clear about talking about the impact of situations on her rather than talking about the specific events in the group environment. And this raised concerns about whether that can be raised in group or not. We wanted to protect her from that and I was clumsy in my delivery. I will certainly learn from that and sorry that my delivery has caused the worry that it has. I am also sorry that I hadn't been clear in even the follow up discussion which was indicative of my own lack of clarity about the issue in the first place. She was right that I/we need to be certain of this.
I don't know how to follow it up from that point onwards. Depending on what happens on Monday there may be a chance to say this in a 1:1 and in the meantime I have supervision on Tuesday morning to really bring all of my feelings to the fore.
So G is saying that he can't talk to me at all. Is that true? I don't think it's entirely true. He's been getting grumpier as the week has gone on. He tells me I bat things away when he makes suggestions. I did bat that away last night because of my thoughts that he was wanting me to not study or there's some reaction to me not having as much available time. He's right on that part I did bat it away.
However the way he then uses that as a way of batting me away makes it impossible to talk. I really don't think I want to bother trying anymore
So I think it needs to end. And I think it will end with difficulty. Another bad feeling in the world which I really would prefer not to have to have.
Universe please help me.
Bliss
XX
