I went to bed early. Before that I so very nearly emailed JH but thankfully AM called me - perfect timing. This is nothing of course to do with JH the person. Tis is to do with me wanting hi to want and love me. After the day of a therapy workshop and so much emotion rising out of me, I wanted someone to be tender and love me. But JH can not do this for me as he does not love me. It would end up with me being rejected and even more hurt or hurting all over again. Keep knocking ont eh same door getting the same results - well that's insanity. JH can not love me and I just need to remember that
It was rage that started to emerge, yesterday. It's the rage that has been there since I was a little girl and my dad was unable to love me and was inappropriate with me.
It rises to the surface on occassions. It can be murderous. Usually it is me I want to mruder or I eroticise the anger and sex often, in fact usually, ends up with trouble in various ways. Last year with JH I finally was able to enjoy sex but there were conditions to that. I offered myself as a slave to him and whilst he wanted to take advantage of that, thankfully he was gentle with me too. It could have been totally destructive in a much more physical way. Instead it has devastated me emotionally and a ta deep soul level. There is healing still to do and making contact would not help.
I need more therapy I realise. I don't like to own that because yet again I see clearly my own unhealthy choices. I want JH to be different and realise that he loves me just like I want my dad to aswell. At some stage I would like to be friendly with JH the man.
YEsterday I started my own structure talking a little about the relationship with JH last year and then recent events with my dad. For the first time ever, I felt the anger and with SC's help I stayed with it. Despite hating my anger which quickly turned into rage, I allowed myself to go with it, knowing SC would be taking care and facilitating everything. He reiterated how that rage turns into murderous thoughts, wanting to hurt my dad but also how it becomes suicidal thinking OR I use it to eroticise sex. Oh my gosh was I furious then. Fury at the inappropriateness when younger and how I have followed that path set out for me into my adulthood and only ever met men who take advantage, probably some without even knowing that's what they are doing. And so SC created the structure with people holding my legs, arms, shoulders, head. I could not move. I struggled and stuggled, wanting to get away but they wouldn;t let me. I knew I could dig my nails into me or into them but they soon took that option away. Then I realised I could push the chair back, b ut they stopped that too. I ended up screaming and really furious at them and at SC. I stopped struggling and realised that they loosened their grip so I became even more relaxed and they relaxed with me. They shifted slightly but SC was asking me all the time waht was going in my body or what was I thinkiong. And as he had recruited my pilot at the very beginning to work directly with him, I told him. And so he told them to be aware that I was manipulating them. I was furious again. Trying to stay with the pilot and yet allowing myself to go with the thoughts and my body memories. Then I started finding it really funny, in a furious sort of way. I have felt that before too. I recognise that in me - the seductress, wild and .... mm something I can not put a word to it right now. Dangerous. It didn't work either. Then I said I had had enough, that I was exhausted but even that SC would not allow them to put down their guard. What he did get them to say was that they can allow me to have the fullness of my feelings and that it was OK. He told them to say to me that they could take it and it wasn't a problem. I felt SC was hearing and seeing my fury which in itself is a first. That someone in the world recognises and makes it OK for me to be so fucking furious. I think I am not allowed to be so I suppress it always. JH was another example of not being OK with anger, trying to say that he is not an angry person and not liking my anger. I was not allowed to be angry as a little girl. I was always in the wrong. And so I can see how that has turned inwards, firstly meaning that the things that happened went deep into my memory, so deep I didn;t remember details. And then the anger has emerged as being sexualised. Each year things getting worse and worse until the pivot really last year. Meeting someone in SecondLife and getting involved in a slave role. Enjoying the sex because it was in the control of someone else. I feel sad as I write that, only being able to enjoy sex in a compromised situation. Being told to do things and willingly giving myself to that, in fact volunteering myself into it. The sex was very good indeed. I am still confused about this and think I need to see SC on a 1 to 1 basis to talk this through and see if I can get any more clarity on what was taking place. What resulted was a strange relationship really. A man who told me he wanted monogamy and I was shocked and hurt when he wasn't actually wanting or able to practive monogamy - that is not love. And the more he was not telling the truth and keeping other women, the more I wanted him to love me. This feels familiar with my dad. He played with other kids and I just wanted him to notice me so when he was inappropriate with me I was at least getting his attention.
I would like to have a healthy relationship with my dad. I don't really know yet ow that would look. It's unlikely to ever be that - and so somehow I mix it all up. I can't quite see it clearly yet. And consequently I have no iodea really what a healthy relationship with a man would look like for me. I know what I have is not wholesome, even if the men thought it was. If that's what they call wholsesome and loving then they really and definitely are not for me. At least the last two relationships with JB and JH, I could see things I really didn't like. And I said so so there was an opportunity to try and be in the middle together. JB I didn't ever really feel strongly for. It was a silly situaion I entered into, just as usual with the need to be lovable. With JH I did start developing strong feelings and they were real enough despite all the confusion. But when I discovered his lack of honesty and things he thinks are OK that actually I don't then at least I saw that. I wasn't able to leave it straight awaw because I thought there was a chance for us to work things through and both find a middle way together. But dishonesty is not loving at all in my book and so there was no compromise to be had.And really that was good for me to do for myself even though it was not immediate and even though I was angry and so so so hurt. Eventually we ended the relationship. JH then jumped stright into bed wth the previous woman and no doubt continued his flirting and dishonesty with other women. I hope he is able to change that but I don;t think he actually wanted to. If he likes it then I am not to judge at all on that. I am glad not to be in a relationship where that is OK.
This is not about JH at all - this is all about me and seeing the way I treat myself as a result of confusion and confusing messages from my past. I am hoping that as I allow the anger to manifest, that gradually I will get some healing. Anger usually covers hurt for me - and I have osciallted between anger and hurt all my life. So it's no wonder I feel up and down right now.
I am not comfortable at all just being with me. I do not like the enforced aloneness and feel lonely and scared most of the time. I like my own time too when I know it's chosen.
It was a very strange experience yesterday. For the first time allowing people to witness my rage. I was crying furious and laughing - I tried to manipulate and I wanted to hurt them or me - anything to get out of the locked in situation.
As SC reminded me, this rage is ages old! Right back from childhood. Then continuing with every man I have ever known. None of them has ever truly loved me. None can see past the hurting me who tests their love. They say love shouldn't need to be tested but no one has had the depth to really hold me. How sad. How very fickle and shallow they all have been.
I just haven't met anyone but always have met the wrong person. I look in the wrong places. I mean I can see the lunacy of SL, previously in pubs or clubs. People do meet. There are nice people of course but .....
Lots of men I have met have something missing I usually discover. On the surface, they display the things I like about them. And that's usually enough for me to hope they could love me. If they pay me just a little bit of attention I am hooked.
All the things I liked about them I truly did but if I was to remain freins with them then gradually I would realise that they are not for me. They are just as unhealthy aroudn thsi because they enter into it too. So there we go - I pick unhealthy men and they pick unhealthy me. Unless they are working on themselves nothing much is going to change for them. And what I see of people from the past, that is the case. Nothing much changes for them. I want me to change.
And I gave myself completely but they didn't know what to go with that. If only they had have done! Wow! If there were two of us that are working towards spiritual principles and wanting to give and receive love then there is the possibility for a wonderful relationship.
I have hope but first I need to keep concentrating on me.
OH and during another persons structure, I felt such pain inside me. I was asked to play the part of her ideal mother, guided by SC. As I was repeating the words that he instructed me to and as I heard her talking about her situation as the daughter of her mother, I realted massively. And suddenly I was overwhelmed with grief. The grief of abortions and of never having wanted to have children. I still don't and know I made the right decisions. But the idea of a loving relationship with a daughter suddenly left me feeling so sad. It wouldn;t have been possible as there was always the fucked up me acting out. But now I see things differently and I am a different person in stages of growth albeit, I felt really sad. That is the legacy of the inappropriateness of my dad and I guess my mum wasn't there to protect me from it all.
Phew what an exhausting day.
There will come a time when there is less to do and I will be freer just to be.
I do not feel suicidal today. I have had my rage witnessed by SC and he recognises the pottential to murder myself. That was a relief.
Bliss
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