That's what I want - but sometines it's a little bit of this everything and sometimes a little bit of that everything.
And I realise that it's okay to have interestes in many different areas and desires for many different things.
My mum used to say I was the girl with the curl in the middle of her for'head. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was 'orrid.
I am a person of extremes. Sometimes anyway. And at other times I am a person of mediocre and inbetweeny.
I am everything.
And this has become apparent within this relationship. Sometimes I love that the world becomes very small and even cosy. It's just him and I. But then the other day I had a sense of the bigger wider world and became afraid that I was becoming trapped in the smaller world. G, I think would prefer a smaller world most of the time. His small world though consists of the larger nature. Out in the open, walking and wild flowers and birds. This isn't small but it's a limit for me. Because there is art and London and knowledge and things outside of this. I want more and more knowledge and cherish how different people bring knowledge and interests to me. There isn't enough world and life left to gather all the knowledge,e ven if in snippets. Because with my desire for everything it's impossible to have more than snippets.
Do you know what I mean?
Does anyone else get this sense of something bigger. Is it dissatisfaction? I think not.
I can become restless and discontented when I can't reach out at all. I can sit here in four walls getting irritable that I can't have the enormity of all the world. But if I could I suspect I would want the Universe.
So with Mr Fug, my nickname for G. There have been days and day when I want nothing more than us. Today a shutter went down. It's been building up prhaps. There are things that just don't feel good for me. It's not a matter that they are not good but they don't feel good for me. One is the constan contact from Mrs E. A friendship is one thing but regular contact and a gentle let down is a complete other. He isn't truthful with her. It is as he says a non-commitment to me holding onto something that is important to him. He is afraid of losing it. He links it with his childhood or so he says. I believe him then I don't. What a manipulative tool with a woman to link things with children or childhood. Suddenly I am questioning things.
Yesterday I did something awfully manipulative. I told Mrs E's sponsor that she is still drinking. it was spiteful. I am sick of the woma being manipulative and controlling and hanging on. She will be able to come between us. And so I did this spiteful thing. I regretted it as I was saying it. I even pretneded that I was sorry and that I assumed she already knew. I knew she didn't know. All I've done is betray G's trust. I feel dreaful about it.
Then I think about G. He is a wonderful man in many ways. However he is also very sensitive indeed. He can be so moody. He is changeable and touchy. He is very ANGRY and doesn't want to do a thing about that. He likes the sex we have. And suddenly that was it this morning. I was talking sex and we had sex and I felt the shutter come down.
I'm not at all certain what the shutter is or what triggers it's drop. But I am afraid that when it does drop it complete. I think I probably need to speak with him about it but I don't have the words to really express what it's all about. I probably need o talk more about it with other people. Talking with M earlier there were elements that rang true with ways that I think and feel but it didn't quite hit the nail on the head about the shutter. Nothing yet anyway. I am sure it will become clear. I have felt it before. I can remember where I was and what I was doing the day the shutter dropped shut with SH.
I was lying upstairs on the bed during the afternoon. I had wanted to have time apart from him. Just as I did from G today. Because I could feel the shutter had dropped. I don't know then what finally triggered it.
yet whilst G is away from me today I am suddenly panicing that perhaps he is also closing the doors and wanting out. It may be a mutual thing you see and we both sense it. It's time to get out now but neither of us sure. I am certain that these things worlk together and people are jusy not aware enough - this is what perhaps people call telepathy. I know we have this. I cannot read exact thoughts, desires and so on. But I do believe I read signals. Of course I load them up with my own perceptions and exeriences of the past, my own insecurities and fears and get the messages very jumbled up as a result. However there are signals and messages there to be picked up. I just need to stay quiet and observe to really see if I can establish what it is I am picking up. No gut reactions, just gentle observation. The turth is always revealed and invariably I have picked up something accurately. Look at JH. I knew there were things going on and added to my sense of things my own interpretations which could have exaggerated things way out of proportion. However I was picking up something accute.
So there is the messaging and maybe picking up his messages of irritability and discontent and that has resulted in my shutter slamming down shut. Can it reopen? I am not sure. I am longing for him to be in contact so as not to have lost the control yet I am quite happy on my own and in my freedom.
I am also keen to get to India. Wow! You might think this is something out of the blue. Well G introduced me to the writings of a woman called Tenzin Palmo. I am reading Cave in the Snow and learning so much ad yet also not learning. I am gaining more a sense of knowing. Does that make any sense? Things are put ito words that I know or experience and it feels very arrogant to say so. It feels wrong to say so and yet I DO KNOW.
It's the same with JB talking about the power of the churches he had seen in documentaries recently. I KNOW this already and have always known it.
Something seems so wrong about living here and I've said that for so long now. And I think this nunnery in Inidia is something I need to visit. T is interested but I am not sure how real she is about that. I wonder if G would make the trip with me. I feel that he and I are more friends than anything else.
My mind is flitting all over the place. Now this could be after days of being cooped up due to this virus. Or maybe it's a little bit of hyper energy seeping out. Which could also be as a result of being cooped up. Or it could be the big wide wilderness feeling after the small cosiness feeling.
I will go to a meeting this evening. I have madde a decision without it being dependent on G. I wonder if he feels a sense of change in that and doesn't like it therefore might pull back to protect.
My suspicious mind has decided that he took some things so that he could stay overnight at Mrs E's. I think he actually might like some time out himself. I think we would be better off if he didn;t stay here all the time. Perhaps the heart would grow fonder. I am anxious that actually the heart would be relieved for the distance. And then not want the relationshiop. I would want to make the decision but never can. So that could be the way of things. Me knowing that it needs to move on but never making that decision. That's how it was with SH and JH and JB except I did end that. I ended R and C too. But mainly because they weren't wanting to do the whole proper relationship thing anyway.
Ph phew it's so difficult. I am so codependent. I don't want to hurt anyone and also I'm not sure that I don't wnat what we have. I was certain though when it ended with SH even though it hurt. I was relieved with JH even though it hurt. What with G? I just don't think he would be friendly with me. Could there be a friendly ending? Or is this just me protecting myself?
Who knows. Lots of questions and no answers. Just time to work things through one day at a time, see how it goes. And if he finishes it first - well so be it. Pride will be a killer.
I can meditate. I will sit in quiet meditation for 10 mins before getting ready to go to the meeting.
I love G. He is a very lovely man. He has a horrible childhood story.
I am a bit of a muddle of a person.
Then there's my dad. He called yesterday and said he loves me. Completely without prompting. This doesn't bode well. And he said he wished me well for the future. I have dreadful fears that he is approaching an end of his life. T is hospital and he says it's not good but they keep getting her back together. In my horrid thoughts I want for her to die but his just ugly greed.
I want to see him but he doesn't want to see me. He says he is too thin.
I am afraid. At the same time numb. I don't know what to do with the enormity of the feeling.
Today he called again and this time repested the situation with T forgetting that he had told me. He asked for the family friends S's number, saying he thought he'd seen K on the TV. I wonder what he is going to say to them after all this time and having cut contact with them when my mum died. What is this all about?
He sounds feeble and confused. It is very scary. It seems unreal. I will be devastated I am sure. But it feels all too much to deal with.
I will go to the meeting and share all of this. Greed! Spite! Pride! All defects of character that are appearing to me ironically as I am working on Step 4.
No Step 4 tomorrow to sare about it though. Blast it!
Bliss
XX
And I realise that it's okay to have interestes in many different areas and desires for many different things.
My mum used to say I was the girl with the curl in the middle of her for'head. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was 'orrid.
I am a person of extremes. Sometimes anyway. And at other times I am a person of mediocre and inbetweeny.
I am everything.
And this has become apparent within this relationship. Sometimes I love that the world becomes very small and even cosy. It's just him and I. But then the other day I had a sense of the bigger wider world and became afraid that I was becoming trapped in the smaller world. G, I think would prefer a smaller world most of the time. His small world though consists of the larger nature. Out in the open, walking and wild flowers and birds. This isn't small but it's a limit for me. Because there is art and London and knowledge and things outside of this. I want more and more knowledge and cherish how different people bring knowledge and interests to me. There isn't enough world and life left to gather all the knowledge,e ven if in snippets. Because with my desire for everything it's impossible to have more than snippets.
Do you know what I mean?
Does anyone else get this sense of something bigger. Is it dissatisfaction? I think not.
I can become restless and discontented when I can't reach out at all. I can sit here in four walls getting irritable that I can't have the enormity of all the world. But if I could I suspect I would want the Universe.
So with Mr Fug, my nickname for G. There have been days and day when I want nothing more than us. Today a shutter went down. It's been building up prhaps. There are things that just don't feel good for me. It's not a matter that they are not good but they don't feel good for me. One is the constan contact from Mrs E. A friendship is one thing but regular contact and a gentle let down is a complete other. He isn't truthful with her. It is as he says a non-commitment to me holding onto something that is important to him. He is afraid of losing it. He links it with his childhood or so he says. I believe him then I don't. What a manipulative tool with a woman to link things with children or childhood. Suddenly I am questioning things.
Yesterday I did something awfully manipulative. I told Mrs E's sponsor that she is still drinking. it was spiteful. I am sick of the woma being manipulative and controlling and hanging on. She will be able to come between us. And so I did this spiteful thing. I regretted it as I was saying it. I even pretneded that I was sorry and that I assumed she already knew. I knew she didn't know. All I've done is betray G's trust. I feel dreaful about it.
Then I think about G. He is a wonderful man in many ways. However he is also very sensitive indeed. He can be so moody. He is changeable and touchy. He is very ANGRY and doesn't want to do a thing about that. He likes the sex we have. And suddenly that was it this morning. I was talking sex and we had sex and I felt the shutter come down.
I'm not at all certain what the shutter is or what triggers it's drop. But I am afraid that when it does drop it complete. I think I probably need to speak with him about it but I don't have the words to really express what it's all about. I probably need o talk more about it with other people. Talking with M earlier there were elements that rang true with ways that I think and feel but it didn't quite hit the nail on the head about the shutter. Nothing yet anyway. I am sure it will become clear. I have felt it before. I can remember where I was and what I was doing the day the shutter dropped shut with SH.
I was lying upstairs on the bed during the afternoon. I had wanted to have time apart from him. Just as I did from G today. Because I could feel the shutter had dropped. I don't know then what finally triggered it.
yet whilst G is away from me today I am suddenly panicing that perhaps he is also closing the doors and wanting out. It may be a mutual thing you see and we both sense it. It's time to get out now but neither of us sure. I am certain that these things worlk together and people are jusy not aware enough - this is what perhaps people call telepathy. I know we have this. I cannot read exact thoughts, desires and so on. But I do believe I read signals. Of course I load them up with my own perceptions and exeriences of the past, my own insecurities and fears and get the messages very jumbled up as a result. However there are signals and messages there to be picked up. I just need to stay quiet and observe to really see if I can establish what it is I am picking up. No gut reactions, just gentle observation. The turth is always revealed and invariably I have picked up something accurately. Look at JH. I knew there were things going on and added to my sense of things my own interpretations which could have exaggerated things way out of proportion. However I was picking up something accute.
So there is the messaging and maybe picking up his messages of irritability and discontent and that has resulted in my shutter slamming down shut. Can it reopen? I am not sure. I am longing for him to be in contact so as not to have lost the control yet I am quite happy on my own and in my freedom.
I am also keen to get to India. Wow! You might think this is something out of the blue. Well G introduced me to the writings of a woman called Tenzin Palmo. I am reading Cave in the Snow and learning so much ad yet also not learning. I am gaining more a sense of knowing. Does that make any sense? Things are put ito words that I know or experience and it feels very arrogant to say so. It feels wrong to say so and yet I DO KNOW.
It's the same with JB talking about the power of the churches he had seen in documentaries recently. I KNOW this already and have always known it.
Something seems so wrong about living here and I've said that for so long now. And I think this nunnery in Inidia is something I need to visit. T is interested but I am not sure how real she is about that. I wonder if G would make the trip with me. I feel that he and I are more friends than anything else.
My mind is flitting all over the place. Now this could be after days of being cooped up due to this virus. Or maybe it's a little bit of hyper energy seeping out. Which could also be as a result of being cooped up. Or it could be the big wide wilderness feeling after the small cosiness feeling.
I will go to a meeting this evening. I have madde a decision without it being dependent on G. I wonder if he feels a sense of change in that and doesn't like it therefore might pull back to protect.
My suspicious mind has decided that he took some things so that he could stay overnight at Mrs E's. I think he actually might like some time out himself. I think we would be better off if he didn;t stay here all the time. Perhaps the heart would grow fonder. I am anxious that actually the heart would be relieved for the distance. And then not want the relationshiop. I would want to make the decision but never can. So that could be the way of things. Me knowing that it needs to move on but never making that decision. That's how it was with SH and JH and JB except I did end that. I ended R and C too. But mainly because they weren't wanting to do the whole proper relationship thing anyway.
Ph phew it's so difficult. I am so codependent. I don't want to hurt anyone and also I'm not sure that I don't wnat what we have. I was certain though when it ended with SH even though it hurt. I was relieved with JH even though it hurt. What with G? I just don't think he would be friendly with me. Could there be a friendly ending? Or is this just me protecting myself?
Who knows. Lots of questions and no answers. Just time to work things through one day at a time, see how it goes. And if he finishes it first - well so be it. Pride will be a killer.
I can meditate. I will sit in quiet meditation for 10 mins before getting ready to go to the meeting.
I love G. He is a very lovely man. He has a horrible childhood story.
I am a bit of a muddle of a person.
Then there's my dad. He called yesterday and said he loves me. Completely without prompting. This doesn't bode well. And he said he wished me well for the future. I have dreadful fears that he is approaching an end of his life. T is hospital and he says it's not good but they keep getting her back together. In my horrid thoughts I want for her to die but his just ugly greed.
I want to see him but he doesn't want to see me. He says he is too thin.
I am afraid. At the same time numb. I don't know what to do with the enormity of the feeling.
Today he called again and this time repested the situation with T forgetting that he had told me. He asked for the family friends S's number, saying he thought he'd seen K on the TV. I wonder what he is going to say to them after all this time and having cut contact with them when my mum died. What is this all about?
He sounds feeble and confused. It is very scary. It seems unreal. I will be devastated I am sure. But it feels all too much to deal with.
I will go to the meeting and share all of this. Greed! Spite! Pride! All defects of character that are appearing to me ironically as I am working on Step 4.
No Step 4 tomorrow to sare about it though. Blast it!
Bliss
XX
