Well the first of my last 4 days are over. It feels unreal at this time. Just like the days are as normal.
With my high levels of anxiety being easily triggered I noticed when I got home that I have 2 missed calls from an "unknown" number. That in the past has been the P hospital calling. Now I am worried that there is somehting wrong with my new job. I have to wait until tomorrow. Teach me for forgetting to take my mobile phone in.
From the start I have been worried about the references showing the level of sickness I have had. Now I don't really know if it's a high amount of days off but for me the fact that I have had any sick days is too many. When I have been off it's been absolutely genuine but I still have that strong message from my childhood - only weak people are sick and similar such impressions I have taken on.
And this evening I felt a real ouch of sensitivity. This is a long winded story to get to the point of sensitivity. Try and remember that this is where this story starts.
A little while ago my friends A, M and S and I agreed that we would meet each month for a long walk followed by lunch. And each month one of us would choose the walk and the lunch location. This month, the third time we've done it, was my turn to organise. I resourced a 10 mile walk from my front door and back and then a short drive to a recommended pub just 10 mins drive away (a little expensive but good food - all local produce. Yep everything! - and a very nice atmosphere). S, one of the four is currently struggling with a bad back and therefore is not coming on the walks but joining us for the lunches. Next month, it's her turn to organise the lunch and between the rest of us, we will sort out the walk. The walk was great. Fresh air, sunshine, a little chilly. We climbed Butser Hill, the highest point in Hampshire apparently. It was so clear we could not only see the cost but could see out to sea. And furthermore, views all aroudn fo the South Downs. Beautiful! I am very, very fortunate to live in such a pretty aprt of the country.
At this point I digress - the flirty, non-adult in me is now really interested in living by rough coastlines and raging seas - why? ( I love being amidst trees - even miss them when I don't get a fair share). Well because an old friend, and I mean a friend from many years ago but the friend bit is really tenuous as I barely remembered him when my other friend mentioned him, and I have had some email contact that I instigated. In his recent mail he mentioned how he would like to live by a rugged coastline and rough seas. Thankfully I am much more self aware in recent years and know how just a smile an have me inagining marriage and where we live and the lifestyle etc etc. It takes seconds to get there. So being self-aware I am able to acknowledge that, with some embarrassment I might mention, put it aside and have correspondance with my dignity and integrity intact. It is however important for me to mention thse wild imaginings and flirty thoughts to my closest friends. And I have done despite feeling foolish and being laughed at - with affection that I can take.
Anyway back to the walk, well moving on actually to the lunch. M and I sat on one side of the table where M noticed a table of 4 men who looked reasonably attractive. Now S I think wanted to be able to see them but she had her back to them and I don't think A was really that interested in her avoidance of such things. This might sound like I am man mad. No, no, no. I like to think it's a healthy interest much different from the antics of some 8 years ago. It was very different indeed then.
Anyway M mentioned to me that the men had not paid any attnetion to us at all. Now my first thought was, well of course not I am too ugly to attract any of their attention. My second thought was they may have been gay. My third thought was that they may be decent men, out for a boys lunch with their wives at home waiting after a game of golf or something. I mentioned this onto S. She sent me a text that really triggered two levels of severe sensitivity.
In her text she said that perhaps if they had seen her they would have looked again. She did add - a cheeky comment which I guess was meant to mean a jokey text. However I read into it her arrogance, and her jealousy that M and I had a great view. There was also a setting around the table that was conjusive to S and A talkign together and M and I talking together. I had a sense that S might be jealous. Anyway that's just me reading into things and how jealous I would be if 2 people were having conversatons about something I would want to be included in. S is particuarly keen to meet someon - it's a real drive in her right now.
Anyway, blah blah blah. The next thing I thought about this text was upset. So she thinks she is pretty and I am ugly. OUCH!!! She believes what I believe you see - there's the evidence I am ugly despite people trying to tell me otherwise.
But then it turned into a self berating. She was just joking, why can't I have a sense of humour? I take everything so seriously. I can't lighten up. I have no sense of humour. I am a bad person. I am not worth knowing.
What I did next was very different from the building of resentment and hatred towards her. I said all of that without the self-berating bit in a text back. I said how sensitive I had been but then also how I am so unknowing of the fine line between being able to laugh and allowing my sensitivity to tell me something hurts.
I had a lovely text back. S said that her remark was very tongue in cheek and hadn't thought how it might sound. She was sorry it hit a sore point and wasn't what was intended at all. She said that she hadn't though about it because she doesn't see me as ugly.
I do notice though that she doesn't say I am attractive. See I can't let it go can I?
I said thank you S.
Relief and friendship in tact - then codependently worried that she thinks I am an arse and - oh shut up.
Now back to the male friend. I sent an email last night and it was on my mind that he might reply. He is so not an addict - no f g reply. I am pleased because it doesn't tap into my addictive nature and feed it. It also means that I can just get on with some studying.
Ha ha and here I am typing on my blog.
Right right right - some studying - 1 hour and then maybe even an early night.
I have eaten - had a nice pudding and as always when I have had a nice pudding I want some more.
Feeling very hormonally bloated and fat tonight. Uncomfortable. I hate the menopause. Still having it comparatively early may mean that I will be through it sooner and things will improve before I am ageing with age - if you know what I mean???
Phew. I tell you it's damned complicated being me sometimes - most of the time.
It was difficult working today with my clients, thinking of Russell and worrying about them.
With my high levels of anxiety being easily triggered I noticed when I got home that I have 2 missed calls from an "unknown" number. That in the past has been the P hospital calling. Now I am worried that there is somehting wrong with my new job. I have to wait until tomorrow. Teach me for forgetting to take my mobile phone in.
From the start I have been worried about the references showing the level of sickness I have had. Now I don't really know if it's a high amount of days off but for me the fact that I have had any sick days is too many. When I have been off it's been absolutely genuine but I still have that strong message from my childhood - only weak people are sick and similar such impressions I have taken on.
And this evening I felt a real ouch of sensitivity. This is a long winded story to get to the point of sensitivity. Try and remember that this is where this story starts.
A little while ago my friends A, M and S and I agreed that we would meet each month for a long walk followed by lunch. And each month one of us would choose the walk and the lunch location. This month, the third time we've done it, was my turn to organise. I resourced a 10 mile walk from my front door and back and then a short drive to a recommended pub just 10 mins drive away (a little expensive but good food - all local produce. Yep everything! - and a very nice atmosphere). S, one of the four is currently struggling with a bad back and therefore is not coming on the walks but joining us for the lunches. Next month, it's her turn to organise the lunch and between the rest of us, we will sort out the walk. The walk was great. Fresh air, sunshine, a little chilly. We climbed Butser Hill, the highest point in Hampshire apparently. It was so clear we could not only see the cost but could see out to sea. And furthermore, views all aroudn fo the South Downs. Beautiful! I am very, very fortunate to live in such a pretty aprt of the country.
At this point I digress - the flirty, non-adult in me is now really interested in living by rough coastlines and raging seas - why? ( I love being amidst trees - even miss them when I don't get a fair share). Well because an old friend, and I mean a friend from many years ago but the friend bit is really tenuous as I barely remembered him when my other friend mentioned him, and I have had some email contact that I instigated. In his recent mail he mentioned how he would like to live by a rugged coastline and rough seas. Thankfully I am much more self aware in recent years and know how just a smile an have me inagining marriage and where we live and the lifestyle etc etc. It takes seconds to get there. So being self-aware I am able to acknowledge that, with some embarrassment I might mention, put it aside and have correspondance with my dignity and integrity intact. It is however important for me to mention thse wild imaginings and flirty thoughts to my closest friends. And I have done despite feeling foolish and being laughed at - with affection that I can take.
Anyway back to the walk, well moving on actually to the lunch. M and I sat on one side of the table where M noticed a table of 4 men who looked reasonably attractive. Now S I think wanted to be able to see them but she had her back to them and I don't think A was really that interested in her avoidance of such things. This might sound like I am man mad. No, no, no. I like to think it's a healthy interest much different from the antics of some 8 years ago. It was very different indeed then.
Anyway M mentioned to me that the men had not paid any attnetion to us at all. Now my first thought was, well of course not I am too ugly to attract any of their attention. My second thought was they may have been gay. My third thought was that they may be decent men, out for a boys lunch with their wives at home waiting after a game of golf or something. I mentioned this onto S. She sent me a text that really triggered two levels of severe sensitivity.
In her text she said that perhaps if they had seen her they would have looked again. She did add - a cheeky comment which I guess was meant to mean a jokey text. However I read into it her arrogance, and her jealousy that M and I had a great view. There was also a setting around the table that was conjusive to S and A talkign together and M and I talking together. I had a sense that S might be jealous. Anyway that's just me reading into things and how jealous I would be if 2 people were having conversatons about something I would want to be included in. S is particuarly keen to meet someon - it's a real drive in her right now.
Anyway, blah blah blah. The next thing I thought about this text was upset. So she thinks she is pretty and I am ugly. OUCH!!! She believes what I believe you see - there's the evidence I am ugly despite people trying to tell me otherwise.
But then it turned into a self berating. She was just joking, why can't I have a sense of humour? I take everything so seriously. I can't lighten up. I have no sense of humour. I am a bad person. I am not worth knowing.
What I did next was very different from the building of resentment and hatred towards her. I said all of that without the self-berating bit in a text back. I said how sensitive I had been but then also how I am so unknowing of the fine line between being able to laugh and allowing my sensitivity to tell me something hurts.
I had a lovely text back. S said that her remark was very tongue in cheek and hadn't thought how it might sound. She was sorry it hit a sore point and wasn't what was intended at all. She said that she hadn't though about it because she doesn't see me as ugly.
I do notice though that she doesn't say I am attractive. See I can't let it go can I?
I said thank you S.
Relief and friendship in tact - then codependently worried that she thinks I am an arse and - oh shut up.
Now back to the male friend. I sent an email last night and it was on my mind that he might reply. He is so not an addict - no f g reply. I am pleased because it doesn't tap into my addictive nature and feed it. It also means that I can just get on with some studying.
Ha ha and here I am typing on my blog.
Right right right - some studying - 1 hour and then maybe even an early night.
I have eaten - had a nice pudding and as always when I have had a nice pudding I want some more.
Feeling very hormonally bloated and fat tonight. Uncomfortable. I hate the menopause. Still having it comparatively early may mean that I will be through it sooner and things will improve before I am ageing with age - if you know what I mean???
Phew. I tell you it's damned complicated being me sometimes - most of the time.
It was difficult working today with my clients, thinking of Russell and worrying about them.
