Blameless

Since ancient times it has been the case that those who speak too much are criticised, as are those who speak too little and those who don't speak at all. Everyone in this world is criticised. There never was, nor will there be, nor is there now, anybody who is only blamed or wholly praised.
Dhammpada v. 227-8

Ajahn Munindo says ...
Whatever we do in this life, whatever we say (or don't say), we cannot avoid being criticised. The Buddha was blamed and criticised just like everyone else. To seek only praise and fear blame is fruitless. The only blame with which we really need to be concerned is that which is offered by the wise. If someone who lives impeccably criticises us, it is appropriate to heed what they say. But if we find that any criticism from anybody hurts us, then we need to look deeper. Reflect that in blaming, people send out the pain that they don't have the ability to contain; that they express their hurt outwardly by finding fault with others. When we have the midfulness and capacity to receive ourselves fully, we are not inclined to blame anyone - ourselves or others.

Mmmm well this is interesting. In my hurt I can quickly point the finger. It's an angry reaction. I was pleased that I was able to tell my dad that I don't blame him. I can say that I have feelings about his behaviour. How it's been for me and that's what I was trying to stick with. I understand though. I think I was quite accustational with JH and owe him an apology for that. It was hurt. I was hurt. It's funny because I can still feelo that hurt when I think about what happened. It was a big thing. I felt so disappointed and let down by him. The lack of ownership and a seeming lack of a desire to want to change and love me was so painful. It's not his fault of course. It was circumstances. I know that it was hurt and I foudn it so difficult to contain. I tried but at times I could not and it landed all over him. With my dad there were moments when my hurt oozed out. I would like to be able to talk more rationally and assure him fully that I do not blame him. I do understand.
I am learning mindfulness and glad that I am not so punishing and blaming of me. This is all steps towards growth and at least I am trying. So be kind to me too. There is no need to blame myself for not getting things just as I think they should be to be perfect.

Bliss
xx

Kinky Kinks

Dirty old river, must you keep rolling
Flowing into the night
People so busy, makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines so bright
But I don't need no friends
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station
Every Friday night
But I am so lazy, don't want to wander
I stay at home at night
But I don't feel afraid
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine

Millions of people swarming like flies 'round Waterloo underground
But Terry and Julie cross over the river
Where they feel safe and sound
And they don't need no friends
As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise

Waterloo sunset's fine

Timeliness

It is wisdom that enables letting go of a lesser happiness in pursuit of a happiness which is greater.
Dhammapada v.290

Ajahn Munindo's contemplations of this.
The filters of our preferences tragically limit our seeing. We want to let go of that which binds us but often our will fails us. Wise reflection can support will - it is will's best friend. Will is not meant to do it alone. The verse encourages us to reflect on how letting go of our attachment to a lesser happiness can lead to gaining a greater happiness. Lost in our attachments, we can see only that which we stand to lose by letting go. Wise thinking means we see what we stand to lose as well as what we stand to gain. Wise reflection opens and broadens our vision and enables pursuit of the goal.

Yes I read and I understand what is being said. Something though that still comes to mind is that to let go some of the emotions need to be acknowledged and understood and worked through. Otherwise the letting go means not learning about self and my part in the attachment and also the patterns of behaviour. In letting go what I would like to be able to do is change my own patterns. That will mean that I will not move on to another person, place or situation in a similar pattern.
Also the extent of the attachment as with my father is my entire life. And by meeting the difficulties head on I can feel there is room for healing and letting go without just trying to forget and move on. It will be a completed transaction in a way. I am beginning to feel that. I have expressed my feelings and can start the forgiveness now. He knows how I have felt and there is no need for anything to change from here on, but my truth is out there. Oh yes I feel the healing starting. And then I can start to let go and move on. With each letting go comes a lot of work beforehand. If the work isn't done it's not a letting go it's merely and ignoring. I suppose people will do that work in different ways and to different to depths. The deeper the work the more complete the letting go in my own opinion. I see that time and again. It doesn't mean anything at all needs to change in the person, place or situation. The change is within.
The better practiced the easier. There is nothing as great as the troublesome relationship I have had with my father. And if I can move further and further away from that with each boundary, each change I make in me then I am better equipped to step along the spiritual path. My father will no longer be my Higher Power. The way, the path, can be my Higher Power. I am developing trust.
So this experience was emotionally incredibly difficult but I have survived despite wanting to be dead.
I hope now that  can learn to manage the bi-polar. Embrace the alertness to the world it brings in the manic phases. And learn to stay safe in the depressive phases. The desire to be dead is a problem!

So my wisdom is coming through knowing I need to let go but before I can I have to let go of not just the bigger picture which is the ultimate aim but each little detail in between.

Ajahn Munindo himself says that knowing what we should do, i.e. letting go is not always helpful. But to become aware of clinging and looking into what this experience is like consciousl is more helpful. Then we can work towards letting go.

I give thanks to the Buddha and to the monks that continue to follow his path to enlightenment and share their wisdom with me

Bliss
XX

Universe thank you for bringing this far and please help me to continue along this path of letting go of attachment to people, places and things. But to appreciate everything whilst I am in that moment.
X

Peace of the earlyness

 PD May2011

I don't know where to begin!
I met my dad. It was so difficult. I was so close to tears from the off-set that I had to maintain this strong boundary and not get too caught up in emotional content. But he kept pushing buttons and eventually we started going through the photos. He said he was finding it difficult. This enabled me to say how it had been for me too. He asked if I would trust him to take them all home and him go through them at home. I said not really. I reminded him several times that he had actually thrown them all out and I asked him why. He said that it was all the shock at the time and he still cannot look at mum's photos easily. It hurts so much. I didn't see the hurt. We were able to start talking about some of the photos when I asked who this was or where that was etc.
I was very tearful.
As we left he said sorry as he could see that was difficult for me. I said it wasn't just the photos it was a lifetime of difficulty.
.... to be honest I can't be bothered to write it all down now.
A lot was said. I agreed that I had been a lot of trouble. And I also said that I had a lot of memories from childhood - I talked about wanting to be loved by him but never feeling good enough through the messages I have received. Blah blah blah.
This was all in the car park of the silly restaurant that we meet up at. It felt as if it was a chore for him anyway and only because I had become upset on the phone with him.
It would be wonderful to be wanted by him. That has always been missing. At one point he did say that if I felt that it had always been so difficult then maybe we should cut contact. Bloody hell that hurt. If I had wanted to do that I would have done it by now. And here he was saying that we should, when I have felt certain that he has wanted to do that. In fact I think he very nearly did having moved and only telling me some weeks later.
He said that he had to go because he felt dreadful. I said I did too which was unnecessary to say.
He just phoned to wish me a happy birthday. I asked how he is. He replied saying that he hadn't slept at all, which is of course an exaggeration as when I said I had been up since 6:30 and walked this morning in the early morning peace he laughed that he can't do that anymore and had only just got up. 9:15. Anyway we did leave. I felt terrible. I wondered what the hell I had done. I couldn't get much further than the other side of the A3. I had to pull over. I sat there for probably an hour crying and arguing why I should not walk n front of a lorry on the A3. I thought if I jumped into it I would certainly die with their high speed. I really wanted to die, not a cry for help or a gesture. Just to be dead and end all of this fucking nonsense. I contemplated this amidst tears and wondering if I had made it all up, If the bi-polar in fact makes me misconceive things and it's all about me yet he had uttered those words again about knowing he was a terrible father. My mind was so racing that I could not think of any specific examples just general feelings and so I thought I was just selfish and thoughtless. I thought I had done it all wrong. I sent a text to SC saying so and apologising that I was texting on a Sunday. I was in absolute turmoil and fighting with myself about living or dieing. Then I decided not to for the time being and instead just drive - just keep driving with nothing more than I have and disappear. I knew LouLou would be loved and looked after - there is no possession that I need. I could just start driving there and then. And at that moment my phone rang. It was my dad. He wanted to know where I was, I told him. Of course I had wanted him to have come looking for me. He didn't obviously. He said he was sorry, that he knew there were problems and that we would meet very soon and talk about things. During his call this morning I didn't get that feeling that it was going to happen as his words had changed and he was saying that he can't change the past but could make amends in the future. Maybe he is following some spiritual path now, who knows? He wouldn't tell me if he was. And I am still angry about the past. I have to deal with that anger elsewhere. When I mention my anger immediately JH comes to mind and the contempt he felt about anger. He didn't like anger and implied that he had looked at it and let go. So when I acknowledge my anger and own it I feel shame, as if it's wrong. I am sure it is not just JH's attitude that provokes this shame but many similar messages throughout the years. The Victorian era was of course all about self containment and expression of self was curbed. Since then it's evolved into complete suppression. And hence it builds up. I have years of anger bursting out of me now. Clean and sober of most things this year and the strong of events of my life all leading to the explosion and expression of this anger. Containing it is necessary and I am not so good at that. So when my dad talked about making amends I feel so hurt that it has taken me to express all these things and also the anger has a vent now.
So his call calmed me and suddenly I wondered if the belief that I had done it wrong and was possibly monumental afterburn. I had said things I have never said. I was accusational at times. I was able to apologise for the way it all blurted out. Anyway lets see what happens. This morning in his call he excused himself of the threat. The threat was not a threat of violence, he explained. I asked what "or else meat"? And he replied that he was going to say he wouldn't bother to ask me anymore about the photos but I cut him short. Which of course I did no such thing but it would be impossible for him to sit with the fact that he used a threatening manner. I feel guilty and wrong for having pointed it out yet I know rationally I am just stating the boundaries I have and it's revealing truths which no one likes. My problem is that I get very emotional around it because I am sacred of losing the person as well. It may well end up that way. At one point I do recall pointing out that he is the father and that's all I have ever wanted. I don't recall with what statement of argument that was in connection with. He asked what I wanted him to do at another point and I suggested that eh could some and meet my therapist with me. Of course he balked at the idea, reminding me that he doesn't believe in them. Which of course means he doesn't believe in what I am doing for my work. That's his prerogative of course but more reason for me to know he has no respect for my work.

I went and collected LouLou, with flowers and chocolates as a way of saying sorry explaining that I had had an "to do" with my dad. I am sure my puffy eyes were a give away. I texted ML and she was very good at keeping me focused on contacting professional support. I had thrown away the out of hours number. I tried to get it from answer machines etc but no joy. I spoke later with AM as I knew that I was putting a lot on ML and she is not feeling so good herself right at the moment. AM listened and was amazed at what I have done. I cried some more as it was the first time of uttering a sound for hours and otherwise it had all been whirring around my head. It still is, and now out through my finger tips too.
I was definitely manic. I could feel and when out walking I was thinking rapidly and busy wilst walking. I wondered if this was started by the texting every thought and experience last year to JH. It was amazing to be able to do that and someone seemed interested. Maybe though it developed an addiction or was it the reappearance of manic phases coming back more and more? Because here I am wantng to share mnute by minute little details. Poor ML. How can I do that differently so that I am not a bother to people. I have this flipping blog but this is a splurge of thoughts and feelings and descriptions. The minute by minute experiences. What shall I do with those? Maybe that's why Stephen Fry uses Twitter. It would make sense. But it's also knowing someone has read and absorbed the thoughts - that's important too. Wanting to be known and heard.

So I channeled the energy into a sketch for PD. As above. I realised I thought yet again I was better than I actually was. Ideas of grandeur that PD can start putting up some erotic art created by me. Who the hell do I think I am? In the words of Bob Marley. I can feel the hyper mood today as well. And channelling that into study is difficult. I want to read lots of information about different thigns. I want to sketch. I want more than one thing, I want everything.

Anyway study I must ....

Meeting at AB's at 3:30 with AB, RB, KM and ML for a walk. Then back for yummy scrummy chocolate cake. Then later we will go to the Indian restaurant with GB as well for a lovely meal. Nice!

I have added this as teh Universe sent it to me and this I must remember. My dad is a mere human being with his own shortcomings and his own childhood that was screwed up. He had little direction of good parenting. Then on top of that he was a military man through and through. I understand and can say this to him. It's just hurting me as I want my dad. I will phone him and say this to him.

I'll love you no matter which path you choose, Bliss, and more, I'll be there ahead of you.
We one,
    The Universe

Happy 30th May everyone
Bliss
XX


ps I phoned my dad and although it was awkward for him I simply said that I do not blame him at all. I want to explain that further some time. But right now it was important for him to know I do not blame him. I understand.
x

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Bliss,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!
A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Bliss doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.
Quite simply:
You're the kind of person, Bliss,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!
 Bliss, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Bliss!
The Universe
PS - Bliss, this is going to be YOUR year!!

Get into the rhythm of the mumble

First draft of a new poem - contributions welcomed....
I find it most distasteful
That spiders leave the cadaverous carcasses abandoned,
Sucked of their life,
The web starts to look rather macabre.
Who would want to live there?
The black widow sits in the middle, 
But these
Eye spy from a dark corner,
One sensitive toe on the vibrator thread,
Patiently waiting for a luscious sucker.


On Thursday my dad called and left a message on my answer machine. It was playing on my mind. I was too late to call back and anyway. So there was the essence of fear across my existence until I called him back on Friday evening.
Before I made the call I didn't stop and consider how I was. A mistake. I need to stop and make this consideration and get myself supported and level. I was too complacent after recent times when he has been
My first mistake was to have opened a letter from the RAC saying that they had not received my returned car insurance policy so have not refunded the large sum of money yet. My first thought is that it's a conspiracy and a way to just keep my money longer. Like I think it was a conspiracy that they did not have the details of accidents in the last 5 years (that incidentally were not my fault), for which I am penalised grossly and something that seems unfair, increasing my insurance cost beyond what is reasonable in my opinion. So at the moment they have a lot of my money and I am struggling financially. Hence I had called and asked my dad, taking much courage but also shame inducing, to ask him if I could borrow some money to tide me over. I was on a back foot. I have felt pride that I have taken care of myself without him for these last 10 years. I have taken responsibility of my money. Oh and the trouble I have had makes so much sense now looking at the implications of bi-polar. Irrational spending and out of control. For so long  have needed help and yet within my family I was just punished.
So back to the point. Although all points are relevant. ....
The point is that I felt angry and powerless with the RAC and scared that I am going to lose the money which every penny matters a lot to me right now. So I was walking through my flat muttering "bastards, bastards, bastards" I felt very stitched up all round by them and hate that feeling of injustice. The big boys always win and I and others like me are always poor, poorer, poorest. Will do my bit and then will have to let go and trust. At least I am able to identify the anger in me and let it pass acknowledged and not suppressed. I have a call to make to them - that's my part then. It's for some reason always difficult for me to actually make calls to what I perceive are people in power. Having said that I have managed to call my GP, the care co-ordinator and left a message with my Psych's PA to request he calls me. And I rationally explained my situation with the meds.
Yes, I felt uncomfortable with my request. My dad had agreed and said to call at the end of this month to make the arrangements. In the message he had left on my answer machine he stated that he had sent my card. And following his conversation with me on the last occasion we met he had said I was not to mention anything on the phone or write to thank him etc as he didn't want his wife, Theresa, to know anything about what he does. So I assumed the mention of the card meant he had sent me a cheque. I was rather hoping it was a gift - which it turns out to be but I found that out after a lot of angst about other matters. I will get there and explain. So also before phoning him back, I opened the envelope and a cheque dropped out. A very generous £500. I had to look closely as the numbers looked like he had written a six yet the written word looked like five. His writing is very spidery. I wonder where he was taught as I have never seen writing like it anywhere else and usually there is a basic style. I suppose if I screw my eyes and don;t where glasses there could be a link with Italic. I was taught italic at junior school and developed my own style I suppose which is nothing like italic now.
So I was looking at the guilt evoking cheque. The guilt is mine but of course the whole interaction of a lifetime with my dad and money does contribute to why I feel guilty and ashamed.

THEN ... he said and bring those photographs or else .....
My first reaction was that I had already taken him the photographs. And I do feel sure that I have. He said no I haven't so repeated bring them or else. I felt uncertain then and as if I had been so naughty was a bad person. Back-footed. So I raised my voice (which was the start of me not liking how I become with him). But within all that happened next I maintained my boundaries. I said there was no need to threaten me and asked what he meant by or else? He said he wasn't threatening me and I repeated to him his words. He flustered. I also said that if he could remember when he was throwing away everything from his and mums house after she died, and at this point I could feel the real hurt rising fast and started to feel tearful, that he hadn't wanted the photographs and was going to burn them. So I had taken them all. I said that I had them in a suitcase and had thrown away a lot of the scenery photos and just kept the people. I also explained that they were out of an y order. I still feel certain I have given him the photographs. He assured me he would return them and that he just wanted to take some copies of particular photos. I have not had back the photos I have already given him and I know I have as I remember at this moment now the photos I found.
When I said the word mum I started crying. It's all so painful still but of course not as bad as it was. It's just added to because I have so much grievance with my dad. It's like I lose my mum every time. Him marrying so soon after she died and getting rid of their home as quickly as possible has all looked to me like he couldn't wait to get away from that life. And of course the cutting contact with anyone they had ever known together - and sometimes he has nearly done it with me so many times. I feel rejected every time and unlovable. It hurts so badly. The little child in me needing parental love and safety. Never has been there.
And then he moaned. He said Oh don't cry. And of course I now how he hates sniveling people because that's what he has always said. He has always called me sniveller. And referred to his mother as a sniveller and I could hear the contempt in his voice. So more messages subtly passed on. He said calm down and he would call back in a few minutes. I said I just felt hurt and sad that's all. I explained that I was going out so would see him Sunday as arranged, and at that point he changed it to 12 at The Red Lion Chalton, where we have met before for a meal. It's averagely OK. There probably won;t be any tables though as for some reason it's popular. I said OK see you then and as I was putting the phone down I could hear him talking. As I put the phone down the hurt changed into rage. Explosive rage.
I was aware from all that I have been doing with SC that I needed to contain the rage as it was murderous. And with me feeling angry at myself for crying ( although I have since changed my mind about the crying ) and for raising my voice I could easily turn that in on me. Murder him or murder me and as I would not murder him ( well not as yet anyway, never say never, especially as apparently a high percentage of murders are by people the victims know well - I can't remember the proportion right now) it could easily turn into self harming etc. Every birthday for some reason there is an incident with my dad and I am not sure if it is the birthday or the money. When he gave me money towards the purchase of my car he was just rude about me to the salesman. Rude actually is an understatement, he was abusive and completely inappropriate.
So I sent a text to ML, with many, many expletives. She invited me to call by saying that she could listen. I needed to leave to get to the meeting, even though now I didn't want to go. I felt the rage and the power that comes with that. I drove crazily and ranted on and on about him and what he had said and things he had done - all the resentments exploding out of me including mention of his wife. On and ON driving far too fast so much so that I was way too early for the meeting when I had thought I would be late. Under normal circumstances I would have been.
So I sat and ranted more. Then I made ML and myself laugh as I said that with my dad being such a bigot and prejudiced, I would give the money he had given to me, to a charity involving black people or something and get them to write a letter of thanks to him. He would explode!!!!! ML asked me to consider this before I did. I was still in rage but laughed at myself. Of course incidents such as this would arouse the rage in me - all the terror and anger from my childhood but I would explode mildly directly with him because he would hit me or be more verbally abusive and crush me. So I would leave and in rage the power would become rebellion which over the years grew and grew with more destructive behaviours. So this would easily have become a purge first of any food, violently with masses and masses of laxatives. Then I would drive erratically and dangerously into London, get very drunk and drugged up and find someone to "shag" and I use that word with the violence and disgust that it sounds like anyway. My dad calls it shagging - women who just shag anyone including me. He "shagged" me but seems to forget that somehow.
I feel so much emotion as I am writing this. I cried when writing the word my mum, all sorts of memories of her and how much I miss her. How for so long she was in the middle of all of this. Yet she never seemed to do anything to stop it. I think she tried with my dad then she would try and persuade me to fall into line. Grrr forever it's been such a fucking nonsense. And now I am feeling both incredibly sad yet fucking furious. I am typing at a speed.
So I got to the AA meeting and the chair shared about anger as a trigger. I shared back about the prior events and emotions and what might have happened in the past but what I had done instead - containment, support from a friend and a meeting and how the enormity of the rage was subsiding. Success!
I was writing to that friend this morning after having been out last night and here is the copy of my texts......
Well it's a long time since I have got back from a night out dancing at this time. Thank you for coming tonight. Sorry you felt uncomfortable and needed to go. I know that so well. I am too old as feel Knackered like I used after two weeks of out and about with snatches I'd sleep. Hug x
I have just realised that I need to be careful from a different  angle when I meet my dad today. Thankfully I have considered how I am feeling after expressing my feelings with my dad and setting a boundary with his threatening and abusive manner. After he apologised I felt empowered and also amazed - and an excitement has emerged too. On the outside I feel calm but inside I am still raging. It is taking a new shape and it's as if now the enemy is down I can get him calmly and easily inflicting fatal injuries cruelly. Its what he does to me - wields one de saying blow and whilst I am writhing in pain and weak jabs with more just enough to leave me alive but fatal nonetheless. So how do I behave. I do not want to do this. I have done it before with him i know. Gleefully find his Achilles heel and attack. I am thinking I must try and stay with my feelings but at the moment I feel powerful. This also leaves me vulnerable because he will be looking to attack me back. I get caught unaware. It all sounds like a battlefield but it has always been a feeling of attack and defence.  How do I behave to enable me to step out of the war. Be me but lose
sense of me in the I have just realised that I need to be careful from a different  angle when I meet my dad today. Thankfully I have considered how I am feeling after expressing my feelings with my dad and setting a boundary with his threatening and abusive manner. After he apologised I felt empowered and also amazed - and an excitement has emerged too. On the outside I feel calm but inside I am still raging. It is taking a new shape and it's as if now the enemy is down I can get him calmly and easily inflicting fatal injuries cruelly. Its what he does to me - wields one devastating blow and whilst I am writhing in pain and weak jabs with more just enough to leave me alive but fatal nonetheless. So how do I behave. I do not want to do this. I have done it before with him i know. Gleefully find his Achilles heel and attack. I am thinking I must try and stay with my feelings but at the moment I feel powerful. This also leaves me vulnerable because he will be looking to attack me back. I get caught unaware. It all sounds like a battlefield but it has always been a feeling of attack and defence.  How do I behave to enable me to step out of the war. Be me but lose defensive/murderous rage. Just realised it means being me in sense of I love art and music. I enjoy trying to sketch. I like attempting to write poetry and am amazed by the wonder of micro creations in our body. In awe at the creation going on in us. I am challenged by living on a daily basis and live in fear. I have great people in my life. I am ashamed of my status - so little to show for my successful business life in the past. Yet also OK with the lack of burden possessions can bring to me. I am both excited and afraid by my mental health. Wanting to learn  how to blossom from it rather than be shacked by it. I danced last night - felt free and energised rising through the screaming paranoia. Can't always do that though and that's OK too. Who else am I?
I am not a person who wants or likes to inflict pain when someone is down. I wouldn't do that to anyone - so I need to contain the rage in all it's manifestations. I am so hurt and desperate to be loved and know I am
Lovable which leaves me vulnerable with only childlike defences in an adult body and mind. I never want to be cruel only understanding and kind. I want to find compassion for my dad without that meaning my boundaries become mush again.

So more realisation - I have a picture in my head of a bird of pray attacking another bird in the air. I can see it in my mind's eye. It's such a vicious fight, and looks horrendous and frightening. Then one bird falls, straight down incurring even more devastating injuries. The the bird of prey sits on his victim and pecks away or stabs with its claws but still not killing it.
I do not want to enter into the fight int he first place but sometimes I am required to beat away the attack and hope to develop my boundaries and my belief in them.
For now I need to know how to be today. I am trying to be myself without leaving myself exposed and vulnerable. It feels very confusing. I am scared. I am meeting him very soon and need to get bathed and dressed.


He he he my lovely friend just called to say Happy Birthday and it's tomorrow. She was all sleepy and confused. I love her.

Off to get ready and consider how I remain composed without being controlling and isolated. How to be me and be OK.
Do I tell him about the bi-polar? I want to because I think it's important as an explanation of some of the years behind me and the way it's appeared as if I am simply bad and useless. But I think it's also risky with him. I don;t have to tell him today. I can get some thoughts and support from others about this and always tell him another time if it's relevant.

Bliss
XXX

Change Change Change

You can change a great many things, Bliss.
Or you can change.
Same-same,
    The Universe

I am changing - everything is always changing.
I cannot change anything - all I can do is change myself. I can change by telling people how I feel about thier behaviours or their attitude etc.
I thought tonight I was gettign a telling off from my friend but actually I have realised she was struggling with me having feelings. I was getting irritated at first but as I realised that it was her difficulty with my feelings I could let go and listen.
I had left work and collected LouLou - realising very quickly AB was drunk. My problem is that I am high. Having finally been diagnosed bi-polar I am truly aware.
Dr L diagnosed this years ago. But I never followed it up. I have always known really. It's the way I am the polar opppsite of myself - ha ha excuse the pun. There's the apparent addictive tendency of always thinking the grass is greener on the other side even when that's where I have just come from. Then there is the wanting one thing but also wanting the exact opposite at other times. I describe this as absolutely adoring the city. Wanting to be there, in the lights, the buzz, the nightlife, the everything city -London, New York, Paris, any city. But then in another mood I only want the countryside. The fresh air, the quietness and slowness, the quaint, the space. My mum has always said I am like the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forhead. When she was god she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid.
That was and has been me. I have wnated to be so so good but then it's like a complete turn in my head and I have wanted to be partying and the wild child. I have caused chaos. I have always thought that the alcohol was the least of my problems and that I didn't need alcohol actually for the wild times to begin. I needed the alcohol to get over the shame of what I thought I might have done the night before.

I called my friend (actually she called me) After leaving AB's I went to Tesco. I could feel the hig. I was walking around feeling grandiose. As if I was fantastic. My friend suggested better than everyone else but no not that but just as if I was fantastic. She asked what was wrong with that and there was nothing tonight as I am taking notice of every little signal in me. But on past occasions that would cause me to strutt around as if I was fantastic and I would overspend and look at men trying to attract their attention. Thinking too that they are all looking at me anyway. This I know is thinking and behaviour associated with bi-polar. Yet I have thought all the time I am just bad. I struggled shopping not knowing what to buy. I couldn't get out quick enough and I was already aware that I would not prepare any of the food I had bought. I am not hungry! Never am at the moment. I am flipping high. It's exhausting too.
I got in the car and was so relieved to have got there safely. I wanted to tell my dad and for him to just hold me and say it's OK but I know that's not ever ever going to happen. I feel so scared. I fell like it's too much to manage. I refuse outright to take the medication. The psychiatrist wants me to start taking Pregabalin. I refuse. I know it detaches people slightly. it's not like an antidepressant. I will NOT!!! I need the psychiatrist to support me in this. I do not want to be the zombie it makes people into. And this is the vastly improved medication - FUCK!
Stephe Fry is managing without it. I want to make contact with him and talk about this. But then AB said this was just my on a high and being grandiose. Is it? Is it really? Or is it wanting to speak with someone who knows and understands. I'm getting his documetary. And I would like to read his book too. I would like to talk to him about his experiences and I know he has done a lot of investigation. I want the psychiatrist to support me.
I felt the high when I was talking to the occ health nurse today. I could hear how I was talkng 10 to the dozen. My mum used tonotice that too and would tell me to stop being so excitable. I can see this has been tehre for so long. The psychiatrist talked about trauma induced bi-polar and the re-traumatising that has occurred recently .... along with the magnification through hormonal (bullshit nonsense terrible invention ha ha) changes!!!!
I realised that yesterday I was high - at the meeting. I was having inappropriate thoughts. The same sort of grandiosity and was thinking I would try and make myself appealing. I was immedately aware of myself and stopped the thinking. Funny thing is the man I was thinking about being appealing too came running me as I said bye and walked out of the door. I stood there talking about stuff. I didn't act out and felt very uncomfortable. I was also aware that I had been speaking with my friend prior to the meeting who was talking about her new relationship. I am very, very excited for her as she is very happy and enthusiastic. At the same time I was a little jealous even though right now I do not want a relationship. I am scared as I want to be loved. I have so much love to give. Now I think anyone will think I am completely crazy and never take me seriously if they think I am bi-polar. I have seen how people disregard someone who is bi-polar. Toss aside the ideas because they are in a haze of madness. Not so. There is an energy.
I have ideas - so many ideas. And what I want to do is channel my energy into those ideas.

Oh some of these are hilarious - some of my friends get quite frustrated with my typos whereas I find them really funny.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

I am tired now.
Exhausted actually. I have tomorrow to phone my psych as a priority. I need him on board about the meds.
I am glad to be so acutely aware. When I got  in the care I realised how damned difficult this is all going to be. I need some support. I suddenly thought it would be so wonderful to have someone along who truly loved me and wanted to support me. But I have friends who will be there truly be there. And for that I am grateful.
So goodnight.

Bliss
XX

We are more than our feelings

http://www.dhammatalks.org.uk/index.php?id=40&file_id=907

Not getting addicted or defined by our emotions
Being mindful of our emotions - means to me being aware of past beliefs, attitudes, perceptions, memories that seem to inform out emotions.
So by being mindful it is possible to reassess the emotional response and judge whether it is appropriate.
And then be within the situation I am in with awareness and trust and being mindful means I can be fully present - in pain or pleasure. Pleasure doesn;t become the end goal it is one experience. Pleasure can be addictive and become the goal. But knowing that Pleasure passes just the same as pain does is mindfulness. Knowing.
Trust that any person, place, situation will reveal itself in all good time.

Bliss
XX

Shaking off the limitations

With an image of liberation as the goal
the wise abandon darkness and cherish light,
leave petty security behind
and seek freedom from attachment.
To pursue such release is difficult and rare,
yet the wise will seek it,
detaching themselves from obstructions,
purifying heart and mind
Dhammapada v.87-88

Ajahn Munindo reflects on this ...
"The Buddha offers images that illustrate the goal, uplifting and supporting us in our effort to let go of that which obstructs and limits us. If we hold too tightly to the images, we may lose perspective on the here and now element of the journey; instead of actually doing the practice, we are imagining it. If we fail to give right emphasis to the goal, we may become lost in the distraction of sense objects - agreeable and disagreeable. The pursuit of true freedom is difficult but consider how much suffering comes if we don't practice. With wise reflection we find we can endure the dark and difficult times. When the light returns, we cherish it and discover how to love truth more fully."

My own reflection in the here and now ...
Firstly I notice that I keep hearing the message about letting go, particularly of limits. I then feel my fear. I have wants. And I can see the value of remembering to let go when I realise I am thinking of my wants. The wants bring longing and as a result I forget to see what is all around me right now or at least do not appreciate all that I have. I can relate that to the want to be thin. As long as I remember body dysmorphia has been closely related to being anorexic, bulimic and over eating. And when I look back now I realise how much I was intently focused on trying to control food, worrying about size and not enjoying the experiences as they were happening all around me. I continue to have issues around food. I use food as an escape from stress for example and of course this triggers the body image issues too. So  am not saying I am cured. What I am practicing once again today though, is 3 meals per day, not worrying about the content of those 3 meals so long as I have protein, carbs and vegetables/fruit. And my how my studies this year - Biological Psychology - have helped me to know the fine tuned detail of the minute but incredible miracles that occur within each and every one of us. But to be sustained every cell needs appropriate nourishment and that comes from me eating wisely. I hope to maintain this train of thought and practice of eating.
Anyway that's an example of wants turning into obsession and taking me out of the her and now experiences.
One of the things I keep thinking about though when I read about letting go is the need at the level I am at of being able to identify and process the feelings that go with letting go. For example with the apparent loss of JH I have felt so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, fear, relief at times too although that was rare. My fear is that the lesson is forgetting that along the journey individuals will not realise that there are feelings and suppress them rather than work through them to their natural close. I realise that there is the tendency for holding onto the dark feelings and that can result in never letting go of the feelings. I absolutely agree with the goal. It's just for me the verse doesn't explain about emotions. I think people have tried to follow this exactly without reflecting on all that is going on.
As I reflect on what I am saying there is an element on control and not letting go of others process. It comes from a place of caring. However, it is me trying to ensure that everyone is aware. The reality is that I had always suppressed feelings. I did not now I was allowed to feel my emotions and express them and believed somehow from what I was seeing and hearing that I needed always to just get on and be happy. I am not sure if this is how I was actually told and shown but it is how I interpreted things. And so rather than acknowledge the pain and difficulty I would pretend everything was OK. So right into adulthood until recovery I have had to squish and squash everything away. And that is difficult to do without having crutches to help, hence the want for a man to love me, drink, drugs, hedonism, work and status etc etc and manipulating food. As those things are peeled away I am left with the emotions. Now I am learning to acknowledge the emotions, work through them and that takes a while when they are so deeply and densely packed. But there is a loosening and with the ending of some feelings comes the letting go. I have had more clarity about loosening the anger that inevitably comes from an abusive childhood. The vulnerable, raging me is becoming a little more aware and I can at times observe and measure my behaviour. I certainly don't like observing the behaviour of my fury but I understand the fury and can be gentle and loving rather than adding to the fury by giving myself a ticking off for being furious. But I can take a view on my behaviour. I do not judge myself then, but I do judge my behaviour - gently and with a desire to change with practice.
Perhaps there are some people who get this without having to go through the process. There are people who say they just let go and move on. Some people I can really see that in them. other people I see destructive behaviours and believe that there are things they are not allowing themselves to visit. They will if it ever gets so bad they are in pain.
I though am relieved to be getting some clarity for myself and believe I am on a path that is healthy for me. If I can enjoy today and learn and grow then it is possible I will be able to acknowledge any fears and temptation and remember the path is stronger if I stick to it. I can also gain strength by asking for support. I need help at times when temptation is pulling me. And temptation comes in many forms. It often starts with boredom. Wanting.
The thing is to acknowledge that feeling and talk with people then ......

More to reflect upon but now I must start my studies.

Bliss
XX

Wise reflection

 Ajahn Munindo

OK - just having breakfast and a cuppa Green ... also reading the little book of light reflections I picked up last evening.
The thing I like about Buddhism (when people are not turning it into a law) is that it is reflective of all life as it is
and not trying to change it into a Guru's direction or that there is one way. i.e. there is less judgement of people, beliefs, attitudes etc and more about encouraging people to consider themselves and also within their community changing plus consider what is unhealthy for each individual individually
And I read this this morning .....

"It has been my intention that by.sharing my personal reflections in this way, others might feel encouraged to engage in their own contemplative ability. There is a tendency perhaps fr Buddhist practitioners in the West to try to find peace and understanding by stopping thinking. Yet the Buddha tells us that it is by yaniso manasikara, or wise thinking, that we come to see the true nature of our minds, not through just stopping thinking."

This is a relief to read as so many people have said I must learn to empty my mind. But for me it is letting the thoughts become conscious and observing the thinking, understanding what drives that way of thinking. I do look for the gaps between thoughts too but even that is a thought most of the time. At least I no longer give myself a hard time for sitting in meditation thinking.
I was thinking last night about so many things, even thinking about the fact that I fell asleep a few times despite having had a good sleep the night before so realising how exhausting writing and essay is - putting together thoughts and supporting them with evidence. And I was thinking about the monk and his choice in life. Wondering about his journey and watching his meditation - I wondered how he managed with temptation and human wants like sex etc. It is a hard line to choose I think.
I was also observing that sort of electric feel that goes through me at a certain point each time I sit there for the hour. It's surprising how fast the silence goes by. Yet there is like a surge of energy that seems to start somewhere in my tummy. It's difficult to describe. It seems to emanate from maybe the solar plexus and ripples out. It feels shimmery and charged yet there is a delicacy about it too. It's not sharp or harsh. I was wondering what it is and why it happens. It seems nearer the end of the hour than the beginning.
I was wondering too about the Buddha and his story. Enlightenment. How the path narrows the more I learn about myself and the devil part of me doesn't like that. The hedonistic energy which at this time scares me. But how I am seeing this pattern yet again and observing the results and links. I was wondering if I will be able to retain not just the overall lesson but also some of the detail because the bigger message is easily shot down once temptation starts nagging at me.
Practice practice practice - that's also what I was thinking. And how I don't like being attached to organisations. That's was an interesting observation - the drive of individuality and how belonging can feel like imprisonment or making me into a group instead of being me. I smile at myself because when my self esteem is reasonable I know I am an individual whatever I am doing but I know how my dependence means I am easily lost so blame the groups instead of looking at me. At least I am more discerning now.
So these are all sorts of things I was wondering about and mulling over. It was good to clear my mind of the essays at least.

The Stool of Unmanageability

I checked it out with my friends first, as I was preparing to send a birthday card. As everyone without exception pointed out, this would be breaking my own bottom line of no contact. I wanted to send a card and at the same time knew something didn't feel right. It seems rude and thoughtless. What will he think of me type thing. Well I was reminded that he knows I have requested no contact for the time being. So actually I haven't been unmanageable. It feels very sad though. Sad that it didn't work out how I it had seemed things were and sad that having not worked out it is how it is.

I have been thinking about something beautiful I read and wanted to comment further on it with thoughts that could still further be expanded upon. It would be good to have contributory debates ... oh well. Me and my thinking alone.

A report in the Independent suggests that the reduction of honeybees is connected with mobile phones. And furthermore suggests that mobiles are a threat to us humans too. ...
 There are more recent reports too ....

Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?

Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees

By Geoffrey Lean and Harriet Shawcross

Sunday, 15 April 2007

It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

CCD has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned.

Other apiarists have recorded losses in Scotland, Wales and north-west England, but the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs insisted: "There is absolutely no evidence of CCD in the UK."

The implications of the spread are alarming. Most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees. Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

No one knows why it is happening. Theories involving mites, pesticides, global warming and GM crops have been proposed, but all have drawbacks.

German research has long shown that bees' behaviour changes near power lines.

Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

The case against handsets

Evidence of dangers to people from mobile phones is increasing. But proof is still lacking, largely because many of the biggest perils, such as cancer, take decades to show up.

Most research on cancer has so far proved inconclusive. But an official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset.

Equally alarming, blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives.

Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts. And, more prosaically, doctors have identified the condition of "text thumb", a form of RSI from constant texting.

Professor Sir William Stewart, who has headed two official inquiries, warned that children under eight should not use mobiles and made a series of safety recommendations, largely ignored by ministers.

"In the whole Universe, there is nothing static, dead or frozen. Everything, but absolutely everything, is in eternal movement. Even within the so-called still nature reigns the same intrinsic law of movement. Movement and newness, in p...erfect interconnecteness, affirm themselves as uniqueness. In order to be able to encounter the newness of the aliveness in its movement, we must come out and greet it the same way. Thus, we don’t return to the past, to what happened, nor we project ourselves into the future, in pursuit of an imaginary purpose or ideal to fulfill. With a completely empty mind, we simply watch life as it unfolds. Nothing comes between us and the movement of life, in the form of images, opinions etc. Such a simple and direct meeting with the moment transcends us spontaneously from the finite world into Infinity. And just as quickly, like lightning, we detach, in order to be free again, and therefore completely available to encountering the next moment. Nothing is anticipated and nothing is accumulated from the lived moment. The purity, innocence of the mind is our constant companion, as each moment becomes an opportunity of creative “being”. Through this way of “being” - as pure Consciousness - we ourselves create a new world in which Love, beauty, compassion and kindness become a reality which positively influences the whole of humankind." Ilie Cioara

I like this too - and can engage with the idea very easily when in a good state of mind. I do think though, that it takes a lot of practice and would be concerned that unpracticed if I forget that I come to each unfolding experience with my past attached then I might not be observant of my beliefs, memories, attitudes etc that will inform my experience. Furthermore, I am concerned that in detaching as easily suggests not having any feelings associated with the change and sometimes sense of loss or change associated with joy. I think it is important to detach yes and at that time to acknowledge the emotions and allow time for those to heal or not to react on joy with excitement. Personal time is also as important as being able to live life with the ever changing environment and experiences. Nothing is standing still but somethings are happening so slowly like the way mountains are eroding or glass is altering. We do create our world and being mindful of our part is important I believe.

Bliss

XX

 

Embarrassed

I would like to add that I am embarrassed and ashamed too of behaviours that I have wrwitten about. At the time I was fully involved and not ashamed within the situation. But I would not share openly with friends of mine.
I think it is good to have this all out as public to show how everthign can become so devastating yet at the time seem so great and exciting. The ups and downs. I know that there were some real emotions in there too. Each time as well.
I make this available publicly now because it is actually my entire story as it unfolds. I see how destructive or how wonderful and beautiful things can be - it is a journey and one that gradually is becoming narrower even though the river is widening.
I step towards self improvement and enlightenment with every awakening and thank the Universe for me being one of the people that is waking up.
I am grateful despite the difficulties along the way

Bliss
xx

Itching and scratching

If you wish to becone enlightened in a few days, it would be too presumtuous. It is very important to apply sustained effort, like the continual flowing of a stream.

Quote from the Dalai Lama

The difficulty is as a human being applying the ffort like a continual stream. I find that when there is "pain" and I get back into the flow I benefit and thigns change for the better. I am inspired and excited by the learnign and the growth that comes through this effort. IN true addict style, I can get very wrapped up in the effort and the teachings themself I can make the HIgher Power or in other words, I can get out of balance and forget to do all the other things in life as well that contribute to my well being. I can make the teachings so overly important and expect to get all my needs met from them. So it's important to incorporate the teachings and practice as a part of my daily life, whilst ensuring I bring my principles into every area of my life.
There is another problem though. After a while I can get bored and want a different kind of excitement. I can easily trick myself into justifying it too. But that may be explained later.
I sometimes refer to this process within me as a little devil or addiction or similar. With Bi-polar within me I can also see how it's something that triggers off. It doesn't really matter what is is that happens deep inside me. The important thing is to become better at recognising it and stay close to the supportive friends I trust. There are not so many but there are enough. It's a powerful force. It grows strong within me and then temptation is greater than the desire to stay close to fellowships, friends, the flow of the river.
I recognise that during 2009 I was beginning to get the "itch". Having been single for a while and worked HARD on the CODA steps and growth of self I told myself it was time to put the learning into practice within a relationship. A few life events then created the possibility to pursue that desire. I was ill with Swine Flu, I watched a DVD about happiness which mentioned SecondLife. SL had been mentioned in a lecture earlier in the year connected with my degree. And years previously I was working as a student therapist and emcountered for the first time addiction in the form of virtual worlds. Temptation was growing. I entered SecondLife and many many triggers were set off. Behaviour that I didn't like from the off but in my enjoyment of SL and partially wishing to make amends in line with the flow of the river I stayed. Gradually the spiritual path was dwindled away and yet I was thinking I was being spiritual until I got involved 100%. My wants were being met and I fell for the feeling of love and being loved. All of this then became my HP. I believed in my investment and yet principles were also pounding away.
I was aware I was not spending time with my friends. I was working but was also very distracted. I was not attending meetings or practicing steps etc. I was thinking I was following interests such as creative flows etc but they were involved with and entirely wrapped up with JH. I swung from the "good" to entirely "desire". This does not undermine all the feelings I had or shared or encountered. It is looking at it with the defective parts of the process.
So I swing between all or nothing to something else being all.
I am afraid of this itch, this boredom, this energy burst within me. I love it when I am "in" it. It brings adventure and experiences out of the normal zone. BUT it is usually destructive on the other side of it.
I need to find a way to be able to keep in with the rivers flow ........
This doesn't mean I have to miss out on the way of life and might include any number of the things that I think I would like, not least to be in a mutually loving relationship where we are in love and intimate including sexually intimate. But when that desire becomes triggered by the itch, it takes over as a driving force. It's just one example but a regular feature. And then afterwards I am re-traumatised and require periods of time gathering back together.
It is not the only process that goes on within me. I am wholesome and rounded therefore lots of things are going on. But it is one and one that I pray I will be able to be more aware of and be guided differently how to manage without the total loss and devastation that ensues.

Bliss
XX

Think I am having difficulty publicising that I have been diagnosed once again with Bi-polar. It is not the first time and actually I agree with it. I know it's mild and I know I have managed it at different times. I was interested that the psychiatrist talked about Bi-polar linked with trauma at a yound age and the re-traumatising through experiences in life. SC refers to re-traumatising and I see it.
It's manageable with drugs but I do not want them. They are very debilitating.
I am concerned how people make judgements a write people off when dioagnosed with anything. Boxed and lids shut tight.
I look forward to a world where everyone and every type can be embraced. Labels are potentially devastating! Well those people that want to avoid will and there is nothing I can do about this. The thing is I can get help through the label too and the characteristics help me to get some personal clarity and management tools. I would like to have some contact with Stephen Fry. I get such grandiose ideas. Ha ha - why should he want any contact with me when there are so many people diganosed and managing. I am one in many!
ML thinks she is similar.

Bliss
XX

Pinched ideas

Taken from my friend S .....
Lovely idea
Bliss
X

Tending to intensity

An interesting conversation - the difference between erotica and pornography. A debate that I believe has been very heated around people like Mapplethorpe. After some deliberation my colleague and I can up with the thoughts that the artist might create something that is perhaps motivated by some experience from the past, such as sexual abuse. So by it's nature it may be sexually arousing for some but the motive is from something quite different. After a night sleeping on the topic my colleague returned with an expansion on our discussion saying that she thought it was the intent that makes a difference. So I suppose the motive and the intent combined might contribute to the difference between erotica and porn. It would be interesting to know what others thought about this.
The problem is that if it were a matter for a court hearing say, then it would be very difficult to prove or disprove motive and intent. I wonder what Mapplethorpe's story would be?
I am avoiding looking at the last question of part 1 of my assignment. I want to get it done and then call it a day. I am behind studies after having been so ill for so many weeks - 6 weeks! And I have been beating myself up of course for not having got any studying done in that time. The reality is that I was not capable otherwise I would have done like I have been doing this last couple of weeks!!

I had an interesting thought whilst I was walking LouLou this afternoon.
I suddenly had another pang of missing JH. It is still there but thankfully lessening in frequency although not intensity.
I had just moments before been thinking I wanted chocolate and crisps and junk food. I knew that the writing of my assignment was contributing to wanting to escape through food but it also seemed more - emptiness again. I realised that I miss being able to be childlike in my creative thinking and experiences with someone. As I walk around I see little things and have funny little encounters or experiences that I had learnt I could share easily with JH. And more importantly he encouraged that with his enthusiasm and interest and of course sharing his own similar experiences - all in  a day of just being. I became aware that I feel that hole hugely. And then I was so sad as it was apparent that he was like a daddy in that sense. My own father would never tolerate such little events - they were meaningless to him and to some extent my mum too. I had to be much more grown up and living play like that was discouraged. I was able to share this with ML and as I did I was crying with the sadness of always being a little girl having to play on my own and no one to share or be encouraged by to develop those things that are like magic to me. Fantastical and things that make me go ahhhhhh!
Friends would hear me I know but they would never be as available as JH was - any moment in a day I would Whatsapp those little moments.
So it was a relief to understand that loss. And the enmeshment even so of the little girl in me wanting to be loved and acknowledged just for being in the magic. So wanting my own daddy to love me and join in.
I remember my mum sitting down one day and playing dolls with me. It was so much fun. We made up such a great story and dressed and undressed the dolls for each step of the unfolding dolls life. It was wonderful and a time I always remember with deep love and joy. My mum and I were close and she read to me etc. But she was a busy lady. And there wasn't so much of that. Mostly I was alone. I have a lump in my throat trying to hold the tears in again. Not tears of deep depression. Just tears of sadness as more grunge is cleared out and acknowledgement of pain is the start of freedom from pain leading to contentment. I am pleased to be able to explore and feel and move beyond when the feeling has been spent and not a moment before.
Growth and enlightenment.
I loved my time last evening and today with ML. We laugh and talk and mull things over - it's mainly very very easy with her. There are times when we rub each other up the wrong way but generally she is someone I feel so comfortable being me with. I am glad she is home safe and sound. I value her enormously.
I am hoping to hear from AM - she was spending the weekend at the boat and was planning on talking earnestly with Iv. Well I have heard nothing so I am assuming she had a lovely weekend. I think it was his birthday today. Next Saturday she says she is bringing him to my birthday thingy.
Well it will be interesting to meet with him. But he will be the only man there. I would love to invite some male friends but once they are with girlfriends they are less able to come out to play it seems.
Mind you JB would not be good company. He is another person who puts a dampener on play. I was talking to him about the photography and the exhibition we are going to put on. He then bashed on about how anyone can take photos these days as everything is so automatic. Blast him - belongs with my dad and others like him. Dashing creativity and yet he is so much into creating. I think he is bitter actually - has to dash it all to sabotage before he is sabotaged!!
I feel for him. It's been a long life of not getting the break he has wanted and he is so angry with everyone else about that.
Universe, please could you help him to find contentment and peace - and well being generally. Lift hi from this quagmire he is in. Thank you.
Please also help PD find some relief from his pain. I hear him despite him not saying anything. Thank you.
Please help JH to have everything he wants and to be happy. Thank you.
Please help ML to feel at ease. Thank you.
Please help AM to be at ease and to have the baby that she wishes for. Thank you.
Please give CS some relief from her pain and ailments within her life on planet Earth. Thank you.
Please help AB to be free from the prison in her head. Thank you.
Please look after my dad and help him to be happy with everything he has ever wanted. Thank you.
OK thank you Universe. Please release me from the bondage of self and to carry out your will for me - I trust that I will be shown as it is meant to be revealed. Thank you.

Bliss
XX

Fluttery judders

I really don't like the way my body wakes me in the early hours. I am not sure what sensation actually wakes me up but I feel a fluttery juddering in my body. I think it is actually happening but it maybe my imagination and then the hot flushes. I have noticed that the freezing cold that happened after that has stopped recently. I am less bloated and can see my face has returned to a more normal shape and look. Not so puffed up. I just look different to me.
It's odd though because although I am definitely losing size I have lost no weight at all. This is frustrating.
The last 2 days at work were tiring. just PD and I were in. He stayed with the therapy side both days. He closed off his diary which was a relief as often he gets sucked back into the business side. He has been much less stressed it seems these last 2 days. I am off now until Tuesday - assignment writing. And about to start. But then everyone is in I believe. It will be better although I think AW is very very stressed and exceptionally lazy at the moment. She is being challenged about that now by us as a team. I feel for her but also cannot continue with the resentment I feel.
Pooooey LouLou just farted!!!!!!!!
This evening is a meal out for KM's birthday. A gathering of what always seems incredibly girly girls. It's my least favourite gathering. I am not sure why I said yes. It was lovely to be invited and included. I just find it all so girly.
Then the weekend after an evening out for my birthday. Something to eat then a reggae evening at The Barn. ET can't come. So ML, AM and T will be there. No big fuss and a mixed media evening. Sounds cool to me.
Right lets stop avoiding the studying ... later
Bliss
XX

Acknowledgement

Dictated by ML
Listen to my friends including ML (when she is NOT "in it") when I am MAD because of a man!
And recognise that I have once again given up myself and in effect turned him into my Higher Power.
I am just as worthy without such nonsense! But check this with people who have healthier relationships too.

he he he he - we laughed. She was saying how angry I got when I was "in it" if she challenged me - like conversations every night all night and being less and less available. Apparently and I acknowledge it I get quite scratchy about the challenge on my behaviour.
A lot to learn .....

I am so so tired.

I noticed yesterday the change when I felt the slight high. I was unaware any underlying emotions. I have felt this many times before. It's like a blanket falls over the emotional centre of me and the lights go out. I started to share but didn't know what I was thinking or feeling so finished my share with at elast knowledge of confusion. This is the sort of high, excitable that I have not been able to pin point enough to explain fully - until last week.
I also emt with my personal tutor. She seemed very encouraging and also had some great ieas to help with learning and study skills. Happiness.

Aftercare - everyone was so welcoming and charming. I felt very warm from the warmth offered. It gave me a real buzz - watch ego!

I am very tired now - only PD and I in the office and it's busy! Surely I shouldn't be returning to this level of workload???? Feel flatter today. Down from high, busy day and not great sleep recently

No contact initiated with JC - feel glad - it's not appropriate.

Talked with ML about how irritated I felt about AV and she reminded me that I have made assumptions. Will ask him about it??

Going to bed
Night

Bliss
xx

Sleepy bye byes

Oh soooooooooo tired
Goodnight
Bliss
XX

She made the sign of a spoon he made the sign of a wave.

I have read somewhere about the investment in a person of qualities that a person wants them to have. I am hoping someone knows it and can point me in the direction of it.
I feel very "up in the air at the moment". Not really got a foot firmly on anything that feels solid and grounding.
Chithurst is only 20 minutes or so away. And I would like to commit some time to that. I think I could commit Thursday to get there by 7:30 but this means I could not go for walks after work - Monday I can, Tuesday I can. Wednesday probably not and then Thursday probably not. Friday I can. After work they will be brief walks only. Saturdays and Sundays if I am not working are study and walking days.
If I could get there once a week alongside AA Monday, SLAA Wednesday and AA Friday, with the odd AA Saturday too. I miss CODA.
I think I went a bit cold turkey. The relationship ended and I was holding on alone. I am not really asking for help from friends although have lots of contact which I appreciate.
AM called - she seems to take a lot of time. I do not begrudge that and when I do talk she always is very supportive. I hope she can remember the quote or the concept that of investing in desired qualities.

Bliss
X

Special Day

Happy Birthday JH
I feel sad. This time last year I was so excited. This year about the same person I feel so sad.
Sadness hurts.
I really feel he is gone. I was holding on that he might think differently ..... but why on earth would he do that. He is enjoying his playing with things he has only allowed himself to toy with all through his time with his wife. Now he can put his fantasies into action. I hope it stops having consequences on people like me though. He doesn't have to feel that part.

I am going to get My head down to studying. Nothing else to write about this morning.
Really keeping close to my HP today.
Just texting back to AM who is hoping to be pregnant but trying not to allow her hopes to be too built up. I can mirror her toing and froing with the thoughts around that as I don't want my friend to be disappointed and I would like for her to have what she wants so badly.  With wants and the emotions attached to that it is so difficult to just go with the flow and wait to see what happens next whilst enjoying the moment. Right now she is well, she is working and that requires focus.
If I apply the same to myself. I am well, I am in a nice cleaned flat. It is peaceful around me. Nothing bad is happening and I have time to focus on my studies. LouLou is walked and now snuggled and sleeping. I am not at all alone, people are contacting me on and off all day long.
I am in need of nothing right at this very moment. Anything can happen next so stop trying to force anything. This is it and it's OK.
I have a desire for more or something else all the time. I have a hunger for experiences, information, knowledge. I am rarely content where I am. I think I want something and gradually that something becomes not enough as well. So if I stay in this very moment all is OK.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I have had a lot of experiences of myself. But I would like to go with the lack of understanding of the enormous sadness I feel. I also don't really know how best I can use my time with him. I don't know where I am heading. Do I need to know? Can I just keep going along and see what happens each week? If I am in the moment then that would seem appropriate. Go and see what comes up. Observe how I am in the moment.
This week I have experienced jealousy, fear, sadness, irritation resulting in control, some acceptance and some ambivalence. Gratitude as always
camera, laptop, extra tuition etc. Material things.
And also gratitude for music that I really hear, friendships that are stimulating, people who are just kind and thoughtful, energy, shared wisdom, clarity, experiences at a very acute level of awareness it seems, freedom in moments, engagement with my HP, fellowship.

And then I read JS's response to a question I had about a Buddhist practice. It was lovely reading her explanation. I see in JS a definite change and I am so happy for her. She is till JS but with a greater sense of contentment. This is what I prayed for her when I was struggling all those years ago. It is a joy to see her. I am grateful for her finding this.

The Universe writes today what is suggested in fellowship as well. To be able to do something or give to someone without the knowing. When I first heard this I was mystified. Which just goes to show how thoughtless and selfish I was.
Today it is so simple to practice this but I do forget so it was nice to have the reminder and so now I will put this suggestion into practice.

When was the last time you pleasantly surprised or even shocked someone, Bliss, and remained anonymous?
Well, it just may be the most fun one can have in time and space.
Let's play,
    The Universe

The truth is I am not sure when I consciously practiced this. So now I can and I will.

I have a sense of calm and contentment myself right now, which clears brain space too for me to be able to study.
Thank you HP

Bliss
XX

Everybody knows what I am talking about

And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

A lovely weekend - busy and full of beautiful people. The Barn was very good - mezze served in a really chilled atmosphere. I liked it. Everyone seemed OK and if they didn't like it well at least they have experienced something in Farnham they didn't know existed. The band were good - jazz!
http://groupspaces.com/thebarnfarnham

The discussions were mainly history based. Light, nothing very exacting. It was interesting listening to people talking about drink and their views. There certainly was a different attitude to my own. I was able to remark on it without going into in depth detail.
It was interesting too talking with JM when we got home. The difference in our thinking about what for me is not acceptable. Getting just a few hours company per week with someone I loved and not really being able to share general experiences with. How JM has come to accept that it's better to have that than nothing. I would rather have nothing than for me what seems like a lack of retaining my dignity. I do not judge her. I see how she is comfortable with things just the way they are and she is content with her situation and what she has. It was just interesting. I question whether I did things wrong in my relationship and should have been happy to have what I was given despite everything else that was going on and the lies. BUT for me there was too much pain. So if there are consequences that are not acceptable then it is not OK. I get confused though and think well if I had just accepted then perhaps things could have been OK. No no no.
We had an easy morning talking some more then DC arrived. At last the image download situation is sorted - it was the cable all along and I sensed tat very early on but yet again didn't trust my instincts!! I just never think I know enough. Fantastic lunch at the Thomas Lord. JM very kindly picked up the tab. I was not expecting that and feel very treated. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I hope to be able to return the favour some time.
Then off to AB's - a walk and a fantastic Indian meal whilst watching horror of all horrors Come Dine With Me. Mind numbing TV



I drove home from AB's and really cried. I was thinking how I could tell my dad that I love him and that I would like him to be able to love me. Tell him that I feel so isolated from him and it feels so horrid. All I ever wanted really was for him to love me. And now I realise that I would like him to have loved me for who and how I am not by me trying to please him.
It is sad. I felt the terror of being alone. And then I was able to remind myself that I will never be alone. I hate the feeling of losing people. And yet there have been many people go and some come back.People get on and off the bus, that's the way it is.
Paul Simon's words though really rang true. And I feel blown apart. Everyone can see but not everyone will realise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2wUq-aTjpA&feature=related

I can feel something within me - anticipation? I am not sure what it is. Something is going to happen ...... what? I cannot tell whether it is positive or negative.
It is JH's birthday. I hope he might know that I am wishing him well and hope that he is feeling happy and getting everything he wants and needs in his days.

It was a slow day
And the sun was beating
On the soldiers by the side of the road
There was a bright light
A shattering of shop windows
The bomb in the baby carriage
Was wired to the radio

These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

It was a dry wind
And it swept across the desert
And it curled into the circle of birth
And the dead sand
Falling on the children
The mothers and the fathers
And the automatic earth
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

It's a turn-around jump shot
It's everybody jump start
It's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts
Medicine is magical and magical is art
The Boy in the Bubble
And the baby with the baboon heart

And I believe
These are the days of lasers in the jungle
Lasers in the jungle somewhere
Staccato signals of constant information
A loose affiliation of millionaires
And billionaires and baby
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

A rotting rotten place filling with fresh air and light

After listening to AM for quite a long time - she is full of her new relationship and questioning things that are not very comfortable for her too - she asked about me but there wasn't much time for me as we both had to get on.
I was able to share again about the uncomfortable feeling when at the meeting with JP and B. But how I need the meeting and I need to share openly there despite my discomfort.
I also spoke about the difficulty I have in letting go of JH or what it was that seemed to be on offer. And in the end wasn't. I was very disappointed. So I also shared how I think I am a nincompoop for having this deep sense of sadness and loss. And yet I want to be moving on.
Then I managed to share briefly about the thoughts of a drink if ML drinks whilst on holiday. I am missing her and looking forward to her return. I was able to say that I am afraid that if she did drink how that would affect our relationship and I am afraid of losing her as she matters so much to me.
And then we agreed to continue the open chatter tomorrow.....
Now nearly ready. I have braved it and called The Barn to make sure they will be able to serve us food. It will be a mezze.
I have realised that this is my choice and it is different from the norm because I like it. It's me exposing a bit of me that people probably don't know and some may not like it. That's OK. I like it because it is away from the norm and not so square. It's a bit more of a wiggly shape that doesn't fit in to the every day. Good.
I have cleaned very thoroughly and like the fresh air. And JM will be staying. The first time another person has stayed here in a very long time. Well since JH actually. I have not allowed anyone here. It has been a rotten place rotting.
That is strange to acknowledge ..... It really has been a hell hole ever since then. And I am cleaning it out little by little. It feels fresh and a sense of moving on is coming. Well just for today at least.
I wonder if JH moved on without all the feelings I have had?

OK last posting before off to meet all the people
DA DC JM CS JC and me. All of whom I like. I will take my camera but it seems there will be a problem for me downloading the images unless I purchase an external CF card reader. DC will give me a disk this evening. So before I purchase one I will try that. If that doesn't work well then an external card reader it will have to be. I wonder if JB has one I could borrow. I doubt it.
I will ask. Oh I got a great shot last night of the very dark clouds with the sun obviously so low in the sky, lighting the dark cloud in a most peculiar way. I want to see it on the big screen.

Right hair dry and drop LouLou off with the lovely AB and then collect JM from the station, then let the evening begin.

Bliss
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