Eating the black pot

I write this with trepidation of my honesty.

On Friday evening, I one again attended the meeting to face my "somethings" with certain personalities. I write somethings because I'm not clear on me emotions surrounding these personalities but know that the 12th tradition focuses on principles not personalities. Week after week I've been going along with a view to learning about me with certain personalities. I can see similarities with K & C, they are a couple, and L(ex-Priory, please note the ex bit), PD and my dad. They are rude and abusive and I feel overwhelmed by them, afraid and angry all at the same time. I get confused, not knowing if it's me that's THE problem or them. And I now often think of Gregory Bateson since my friend JdB introduced me to him.

"... the behavior of person X affects person Y, and the reaction of person Y to person X’s behavior will then affect person X’s behavior, which in turn will affect person Y, and so on. Bateson called this the “vicious circle”. He then discerned two models of schismogenesis: symmetrical and complementary. Symmetrical relationships are those in which the two parties are equals, competitors, such as in sports. Complementary relationships feature an unequal balance, such as dominance-submission (parent-child), or exhibitionism-spectatorship (performer-audience)" Wikipedia, accessed 26th May 2014

So, it has been my intention to understand what behaviour I exhibit that affects person Y. Weeks and weeks ago now, a person came along to the meeting and put to the conscience the idea of changing the format. My first little resentment was set in place  but I kept it in check because ..... because it was the gracious thing to do., despite not really feeling the good grace. And so everyone went about drumming up support resulting in K&C coming along and taking over. Literally, they took over, I was insulted when they suggested that there was no one there with any length of sobriety. I said that I had 12 years and they overlooked that and one or the other, K I think said something along the lines of real sobriety, i.e. 20 years or more. It really infuriates me how they think they are so f'ing superior. I find it so ugly. But also because it puts me down. No humility in me either then!! I do laugh at myself. I refer to the idiom "the pot calling kettle black". And so as not to beat myself up, I remind myself that these are the very things I continued to show up for, to learn about me.

Resentments growing, at another meeting K made a statement to me "aren't you giving up your treasury service?" To which I responded "No!". And afterwards I thought about it, not wanting to really attend the meeting anymore and also not liking doing the treasury and regularly messing it up without ever telling anyone, I decided that yes I would hand in the service after all. And so, as is often the case, I added it all up at the last minute and where it didn't tally I made it tally. I walked in and angrily handed it over to K without so much as your leave and glad to be rid of it and any more pressure from him. Ha! I thought there you go, now it's all yours. Or so I thought. The next time I saw him he pointed out to me smugly that the money didn't balance and it was £4 something under. I was annoyed that he was smug and pointing out my error. I was embarrassed too. As what he doesn't know is that none of it balanced and so I made it fit together. So last week when he accused me of taking AA's money, he could be right or wrong. I am adamant though that it is an error and he is just being a f'ing nasty bully. How he behaved in the meeting this week however, was rather unnecessary. He was openly accusational and then mocking in a tantalising manner. I am pleased that I did not respond. I asked for a conscience with a view to come to a solution that was agreed by the group not K. 

The way in which he behaved finally made my decision for me and that is not to return to the meeting. I have witnessed K & C upset too many people. I have taken this personally and I realise not because of him but because of my own part in this. It has taken me a little while to really own it and see it but yesterday it became clear.

My sponsor this morning said to consider with God if I return the money or not. I have decided I will. But more importantly I want to call and offer an apology to K for the way in which I handed the treasury over. I will say that and add that it as wrong of me to hand it over in the way that I did without going through it and that it was done with bad attitude as I was angry with him. 

The difference is a mathematical mistake and I have been embarrassed by the mistake. I do not owe the money as I have not taken the money. However, I will arrange for £5 to be donated to the meeting to make up the difference.

This has been a great learning opportunity for me. Numbers have always been an issue for me and so taking on the treasury was hard but a chance to learn. I have learnt a lot.

Then I need to listen to anything he has to say and thank him for his feedback, whatever he has to say. I am hoping he'll be apologetic himself and I don't want his smugness and attitude but I just have to listen. And then I can say how are you K? And C? And wish them a good Spring Bank holiday.

So I need to make that call now. I want it over and done with but also am excited to relieve myself of my guilt. That is not the purpose of an amends. Ugh realising that I need to listen to whatever he has to say was a dampner on the excitement and a humbling check in.

I will write something else beforehand to reduce the excitement further. But what? 

I did not do any studying at all yesterday. I did carry out the discussion in connection with my research project for the main module. But I have this fill-in module and essay on the 

...... a phone call from E and then I made the call. Said what I had written above and grrrrrr he said well thank you for your apology and I hope it brings you peace now. Arrogant shit!! Oh and added that no doubt we'll see each other sometime. I will arrange the £5 to be delivered. I half expected him to own his shit but no! He repeated that he hoped it brought me peace now and I replied "thank you" on both occasions. Nothing more and nothing less. I wished it had but I feel grrrrrr. 

I wanted to say that I hadn't been without peace. But now I just have another resentment. I pray for K. Please God guide me. How do I let go?

Ha! I do laugh at myself. All my hopes for feeling free and wanting forgiveness and none of that, merely a thanks for my apology and wishing me peace. But perhaps he really meant it as well, who knows.

Bliss

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Pussy Footing Around Anger

What is the feeling beneath the anger?
There are a couple of people at the frosty Friday meet that I sit and get really angry with. I an recall the first time I got really really angry was a few years ago and look how I ma still holding on to it. I had taken on teas and coffees with everyone's knowledge that I couldn't get there until about 7:40. Then C came along and angrily made hints about the T&C person needing to get there early to open up and how she had been sitting outside freezing. In the other business moment, I suggested I hand in the commitment despite everyone knowing my arrival time in advance of me taking the commitment on. I laughed inwardly as the group voted me in to continue. C was huffy and has been with me ever since. I know it's not personal because she's huffy and rude with a number of people at different times.
Last night she wanted me to give her information about someone else and when I said I had no idea she accused me of sitting on the fence. What I wanted to do was slap her and then tell her to f-off. What I did say is that I really don't know any information and then I was angry with myself because that would imply that if I did I would say something. I wouldn't. I don't like gossip and saying anything about anyone without their say-so can be tantamount to gossip. I wished I had the ability to find something light to say with a smile like "hey C are you asking me to gossip?"
But knowing that anger is very often a secondary emotion, a coping emotion, I wonder what is going on underneath. Fear? Yes I have fear of them gossipping about me and then people will believe it and I'll be considered a bad person. All the business with the bloody pot was irritating, mind you I had messed it up somewhat and of course I wouldn't want people to know that. But I did own it and signed it off and have since been putting extra amounts in every pot, when I have it.
I don't like them actually. I think they are rude and controlling and self-righteous. So there I am angrily judging them. How to just love and accept them as they are? God show me how please.
If I were to see them through your eyes God .... how would I see them. Sometimes I see them with pity and that's not fair. I see C shaking as she tries to pick things up and K has aged recently. Then they go an say something that seems spiteful for example because someone has walked away from the meeting after being treated rudely, C said in a nasty tone "she'll drink!". In my opinion I think that's said without mindfulness. And K insinuated it's even worse because her sponsor is away right now. How flipping gossipy is that. Did I say anything? No not a word. What could I have said. I would often in the past lash out in defence but at least I didn't do that. Defend the underdog.
Maybe it isn't just a secondary emotion, maybe I am appropriately angry but what on earth am I to do about it. I will not be there next week thank goodness. And I am no longer the secretary for Saturday so don't have to hold the key - that's a different issue but just entered my mind.
I don't know the traditions well enough to know what's healthy orderliness here and them just bossing everyone around to do the meeting their way. K says he has seen the best of AA and it's going. It's just change. They do not see that. People seem to condemn new and different. I think so long as the traditions are being upheld there is room for change and update.
What is it that they trigger in me. It is this control that they have and that they are right. I am sure it's in me too and where else. I see with P how he can believe something and impose the thought or idea on me or others as if we should think the same way, without even a consideration for difference and different being okay.
It irritates me no end.
Yes it's this severity of control when it's so subtle at times and yet not in other ways. I spent my life with that I think and have no idea how to have a voice against it.
I think that's it the fear is that I was not able to have a voice. What was I afraid of? What would have happened to me? I got told off a lot and just clamped down upon, told I was wrong and shown I was wrong. Any idea I had was stupid or not even given any regard. My emotion were not even acknowledged and I am afraid if I speak up I will say it all wrong and be knocked down for things I haven't said or worse still be publicly told I am wrong and stupid. I am afraid to have my say.
My say would be that I felt it inappropriate that a request was dealt with quite rudely across the room and with newcomers in the room.I am also unhappy with the amount of gossip both in the room and outside of the room and disappointed to hear that people outside are gossipping and saying how bad the meeting is. And worse still the talk I hear involves certain personalities. I'd like to say all of that and perhaps I need to run this by my sponsor.
It's not the protection of the meeting I am interested in really, it's the learning about me.
How to say things or whether I should simply stay quiet.

S said something and H said something too.
Keep my eyes on my own business not anyone else's and it's just not the way I do my recovery.
If I can keep my focus on those things do I need to say anything and do I even need to continue attending.
I would like to be going to meetings to be learning about the Big Book and about my alcohol-ism and about the solutions in getting well. I do not hear that in the meeting.
I have resentment with C and K. I really do. I don't want to have resentment though. I actually prayed for them this morning without being told to. That's progress.
I do pray for them God. And please show me the way forward.
Help me understand me please.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to explore this. Without these people including P, behaving the way they do I would not be able to find out about me and how to change.

Thank you

Bliss
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