para fighting machines

When C was describing his brother and relating to the training or as C said the brainwashing that was applied when his brother was in the para's it made sense. My dad has always said he was in the para's. I will never know what is the truth. But it seemed to make sense. My dad doesn;t drink at all! He is a complete bigot. He would kill first and foremost and answer questions later.
It makes me feel very very sad for my dad. They did that to him when he was vulnerable to it really. And not debriefing of that when pushed out in civilian life. Like C's brother who is still in the army but sounding from C's description of his behaviour very f'd up!
Lost souls - give them back their souls.

Monring email to M

That time with P I felt stuck between being exclusive which I think is a horrid thing to do. And the fact that she was already "here" I felt totally controlled ie my choice to say actually no was removed. The thing is I held the resentment with her because of course I did still have the opportunity to say no but i thought it would just be too mean a thing to do.
I beat myself up for then thinking I am a nasty person because I cannot easily embrace someone. I think too I already felt that controlling from that person - it was someone who given an inch sort of thing can take a mile in various matters.
I don't yet have a solution to my awkwardness around this and so would be delighted to hear the path you take.
Fot the time being people that I discover I relate in this way - I feel abrasive with them - I try to keep at an arms length. People that I am comfortable with are the ones that I am relaxed and share time with easily and in fact want to be around as much as possible.

I hope you have a lovely day.

I am off today and so so glad. I think I could do with a couple more days off. I have been worrying about the clients since leaving on Saturday and this is not helpful. I will talk with colleagues about the switching off process.
I heard from the FRU guy again over the weekend. I am accepting that my addict fancies him without even knowing him.
Being able to verbalise it to my self and now to you of course as you said makes it a whole heap easier to do the right thing.
There were a couple of times that I threw out a hook. But thankfully got away without any repercussions I think and managed to moce on without damaging the friendly contact. It was a nice talk - a lot about him. If I can maintain a friendship with him he would bring a very grounded male perspective on things. He is a person who has seemed to just stopped the substances. Thankfully didn;t go rabbitting off about my supposed "wild" side as I like to make it out to be. Stayed adult most of the time. Going to arrange to meeet up sometime soon. I think like probably most people he has codependance going on - people-pleasing I detected. He was pretty open with me - I just kept asking lots and lots of questions.
I liked him - a lot. I didn't fancy him though. Mind you if he's incredibly good looking then I might have difficulties.
Thanks for helping me to break through my ongoing denial. I am sure it's not completely broken down but the little bit helps.
Yes in my head I have a make believe realtionship going on but if I can keep separating it from the real people I have contact with then there is a chance to develop friendships wth ther real person and see them for their qualities.
I think I can do the same with Dr A now too. For goodness sake he's just too young. I did look up Cecilia Bartoli that he had mentioned he lvoed just so that I knew what he was talking about. And yes I can see the incredible talent.I can see why Maria Callas was so so so revered but I don't understand what they are singing about?????????? How could I sit through a concert of that? Would I have the courage to tell him. He would hate me and thnk me uncultured etc etc. But its the truth. I could sit through the Aria's or a philharmonic orchestra concert of say Vivaldi or Bach or Beethoven - or like we did in Regents Park - I love the music even though I know little about it. It cang et right right right inside of me. Mmmmmm - well let's see what happens next.
I am certain he doesn't fancy me. He really is too young and good looking. I think he is just so passionate about the arts he seems to just fix and talk about it I think without even seeing who he is talkign to. This is what I have surmised anyway. Mmmm thanks good to write and put perspective on things as I write