Mind blowing awareness

Well I just nee to record this before it disperses into the ether.
This morning talking with my sponsor and for the umpteemeth time she suggested that I need to take the focus away from my judegements, likes and dislikes of L. I hasten to add that through this week things have improved since making amends. Did I tell you about that?
Here are my perceptions on what has happened on that. Earlier this year, way back in February, there was a day that would mean SH and I were in alone. SH was insistent that we needed a sessional. I didn't actually agree but was so cross that L wasn't listening to SH and arguing against her and added to that worried that as SH was becoming more and more unhappy that she would leave and I'd then be left behind - selfish - plus I really feel happy and trusting working with SH. I wanted her to be happier so that she wouldn't leave (me). So I jumped in on the argument and made it my own. Stepping into protect SH who backed off as I took up the cause. As a result L arranged sessional work. Who came in and without consulting us, not that I'd have been able to own those underyling motives at the time, he went to the manager questioning why he was there. As a result of that, the manager came into the office and asked me why the sessional was needed. I said "I don't know, L organised it". I was also afraid of the sessional person's judgement of me you see. Weak that I wanted a sessional and could see how unstructured I would look if I owned that I had wanted a sessional. So many lies, all motivated by fears of different sorts. But ultimately fear of being rejected by people I relly like. How muddled I am and the chaos that followed.
This has situation anyway has been raised several times. I carried on the lie by denying hat I had said "I don't know". Of course people knew I had. Nothing added up. L has raised this several times and earlier this week I really allowed it to sink in. I became honest with my sponsor. I really had heard L and reading between the lines but more at an instictual level knew this was a problem for her with me. I actaully said something like knowing there was some issue between us and she referred to it at that time. So speaking with B firstly she was so loving and pointed out how wonderful that I was becoming humble. And the truth was becoming the healing. She said that now I could make amends but I didn't know how so she gave me some ideas.
I went in that day knowing that the opportunity would present itself when I would be able to say my lines, that I truly, truly meant. I was squirming inside.
A moment of silence fell over the office and I asked if she had a moment I could speak with her. I didn't want it to be in passing and she would be called away at such an important moment.
I referred back to the issue spoken about yesterday and said that she was right. That in fear I had not taken responsibility. I said I had looked at my process and didn;t need to go into detail abuot that but that I was very sorry. She was relieved. She responded with a big thank you and added that she hadn't be able to trust me but now knew she could. She also said that she now knew she wasn't going mad. She went on to talk about the ways in which she over reacts to situations and doesn't like how she's been behaving and is working on that. That was nice to hear to and I smiled. I finished by saying that i wouldn't expect her to trust me but that I am a loyal and hardworking employee and that I can only show my turstworthiness by being trustworthy.
I just don't remember how it ended but we seemed to move on naturally adn teh rest of the week has been so much ligther for me. I feel better able to be me and even ask questions differently.
I am showing by asking I think that I can be intereted in different ideas and be flexibale and adaptable and also not contentious.
Anyway back to the revelation of this morning. My sponsor had asked how I was and I talked startaight away about the fact that things had been easier at work but that whilst I was seeing things I liked about L I also didn't really like her, that I was tired and so on and so on. B at this point said that I needed to stop juging L and that I need to bring the focus back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And then she asked me what I was doing in my private life. My first utter was a moan about during the week being tired and getting back late, and what with meetings etc usually I get home, write my meals down, make my meals for the next day and go to bed. I added humpily that there was little time for my own interests. So then she asked what I was doing this weekend.
This weekend I am meeting with M to plan our holiday and then this evening we are going to Taming of the Shrew with a couple of other friends joining us. Tomorrow after the AWOL I am going out with DC to learn how to use the camera he has leant me. "That's sounds wonderful!", she said and continued to point out that she knows little of the other things I do. It became clear as she explained that it's almost obsessional. This blew my mind as I suddenly realised in line with other people saying they know little about the things I am doing, it's because I don't tell them anything other than what is probably my obessional thinkings. I don't tell my dad anything or friends but often it's because I don;t think it is very interesting. Things I do aren't interesting to other people. I want to find out about them before I tell them anything because if I reveal things about me that match them they will like me. My dad can't be bothered with detail and womens interests. It's been like this all of my life I think.

So there's probably other layers of processing going on but this for me was like having the mirror completely held up in front of me.

So I'm off now to start doing the thigns I'm doing today.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bliss
XX

ps spellchecker isn't working - please excuse typo's

A world full of conformists

The question is "How can we know who we truly are in a world full of conformists?"

Fear based conformity. But actually when was this bred? And by whom? In my opinion this started way-way back in history in this society. How the Churches intially started to gain a sense of power I'm not sure. I imagine fairly early in our history. I imagine the less deeloped brain was bitten by the sense of power. Wehterh biologically less developed or intellectually or probably both. You see I am of the train of thoughts that we are ever evolvong. When you consider that the oldest part of our brain is similar to the of a crocodiles, it makes sense that our brains have been evolving which in turn provides more capacity for more complex cognition and mechanics, in turn giving us the need to develop areas of the brain more. Phenomenon that feed each other.
So in early days there would have been less cognition, less mindfulness and power would have been the way to overcome fears. So combined with some people gaining knowledge through experiences and finding ways of communicating that knowledge, they would have been given power and being the wise ones and in return they or someone would have been deeloping that sense of power without really understanding fully the implications. And so I see this as a way that power could have been evolving. Along this parallel would have been leadership from a point of bravery. Probably the stronger men who seemed to face fearsome beasts and invading tribes, cleverly leading and ambushing and thereby protecting his/their own tribes. So battling leadership alongside the leadership of principled people and presto the western ways were being borne.
And people will give their power to others who seem willing and better abled to protect and guide. The greater majority don't put their heads above the parapet. Thank goodness for those who do. But at a different prive to all. Thos that will deserve reward for the reward they give to the masses. Agreed. But when the imbalance of superiority takes over - hmmmm where is the balance.

And amongst the masses is bred a society of conformists. Is that how it started? Did the people conform naturally or did they give over their power and therefore have to start conforming. After all we are animals basically and therefore there is safety in grouping. To group or to belong there needs to be some conformity surely. We need to hold similar principles and be heading in similar directions otherwise we will have to separate. The start of individuals wo break away from society perhaps. Is this clever and to be admired or ridiculous and dangerous? We are all individuals withi groups.
How do we retain that sense of individuality within the group? In other words not conform so that we are so deeply entrenched that there is no original thought.

I received this message recently from the Universe ...

Bliss, please help spread the word. Here are the top 10 ways people give away their power:
1. Asking others what they should do.
2. Thinking God decides who gets what.
3. Worrying about how their dream will come true.
4. Thinking they have dues to pay.
5. Attaching to unimportant details and outcomes.
6. Believing in soul mates.
7. Thinking karma or spiritual contracts are absolute.
8. Fear of anything, especially falling in love.
9. Waiting for their ducks to line up before acting.
10. Choosing to be unhappy.
Understand the truth, little bird, and you will soar.
Caw-caw,
    The Universe

Interestingly, the first one, in my opinion, can be used in learning who we are. As a child we are guided and as a result start to learn about conforming within our family group. The rules of the family unit. Babies are culnerable and need basic nurturing to feed their hunger, quench their thirst, feel loved and safe. With these basics the baby starts to develop physically and psychologically. Furthermore, their physical growth enables the brain to start it's development. Many experiments suggest early stages of cognition, such as theory of mind and memory. Then as toddlers the child is learning about themselves from parents or guardians and maybe siblings. They are reflected back to themselves, often the centre of attention. And very demanding. But as time goes on they start to deperate, playing with peers and becoming slightly more independant. But still learning how to fit in and belong. So there is a degeree of conformity innate? And as I suspect is it that innateness escalated within the environment and interactions with people and situations. Which comes first innate or environment? I'm not sure they can be sepearated at all.
But as children we need to ask what to do to learn? Part of learning though is discovering what it is we need to ask about. Making mistakes and getting stuck is a part of the growth. The Vygotsky theory of having people to structure for us the parts we do not know the ZPD or Zone of proximal development and providing the scaffolding to make that transition from what is known and achieveable to the next step of what is just out of reach and on the way to the next bit of learning. A person who knows already and has experience can help the child cross that zone of knowing to the next stage.

But of course are we creating conformity in the scaffolding. This is one persons experience they are showing the child. But do many different scaffolders create confusion? Is it better to learn one way and then when comfortable in that way become open to many different ways.
I wonder for myself whether there was just such a fixed way. perhaps my brain could not cope with diversity. But now I'm more open. I refer for example to be open to creativity and art. As I have explored this and moved out of my comfort zone I've discovered how much I love and appreciate art. The more I get involved and view the more I am seeing and learning.

Unfortunately I have to end this thought process, this philosophincal discussion at this point. it would be interesting to get a creativists input into some of the science. Broaden my mind. It would be so nice if other people started to contribute. I am worried to invite people to read as they will access old thought patterns that have since shifted and old behaviours that I am ashamed of.
But hey this the whole me. The journey. Those people who are cited would be better off not reading as they will get into the inner thoughts that are loaded with my issues.  And indeed as I evolve those issues of mine alter and therefore my thinking through things alters too. I am way off target. So I'm justifying inc ase anyone I know reads.
I welcome a broader audience if it's there to be had because I welcome the opening of my mind with different ideas. I want to listen and share. Come on folks tune in. I think God will be helping this to happen if it's meant to.

Bliss
XX

OK I'm back and would like to continue with this idea a little more. It was strange really as a friend of mine is away on a weekend of philosophical discussions and what shoudl come up but who am I? And then on the radio I heard mention questions around conformity. My friend wrote to me "how to be free, can I ever be free in a society with others?" I find this both sad and interesting. This desparate need some of us seem to have to be different. And the arrogance of this too. There is surely a way to find the balance of being and individual within our cosiety and community. Whatever we do we end up being with like-minded people. And if there is this drive to be absolutely individualistic then life would become like a hermits life. Keeping away from people for the fear of being the same as them. I wonder what reasons people who live as hermits live that way. Are they leaving society for this reason, or because they just can't seem to find like-minded people, or it's too difficult to wor through the difficulties that can arise in the interactions with people or simply not liking the society within which they live, such as the rat race or the waste and over consumption, or the ethics and morals. I suspect there are more people living a solitary life even if appearing to be within the community.

It's a self imprisonment though. Being humans, or rather animal, there is an instinct to have both community and companionship and that means also finding similarities. This drive to be different and stand alone is something else. Is it once again driven by experiences from the past? There is surely a balance between maintaining one's own identity, personality and ideas whilst also being able to be a part of and open to others contributions. The celebration of similarities as well as differences.