"In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?" ~ Gabrielle Roth
I love this!
The odd thing is that I am engaged with these sort of things and on a daily basis. I am lifted above my life then. But when I re-engage with my life it's all dark and depressed. This is the most odd phase ever of depression I have had.
A little of me did stop a while ago. I think on reflection though I was dancing and singing hyper actively. I am not really sure. I was enchanted entirely and utterly but I don't think there was any silence. And then it all came tumbling down. (Reminds me of a song - Traveling Wilburys).
Loved the Traveling Wilbury's -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s9dmuAKvU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkFunXTcsoA&feature=related
and one of my favourites - pure fun!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA&feature=relmfu
But I can't find the one I am lookng for ..... typical
The Traveling Wilburys (sometimes shortened to the Wilburys) were an English–American supergroup consisting of Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison and Tom Petty, accompanied by drummer Jim Keltner. The band recorded two albums between 1988 and 1990, although Roy Orbison died before the second album was recorded. (Wikipedia)
Always made me smile that they did Vol 1 and Vol 3 !!!!
I am enchanted anyway by the wonder of this planet, the awesom world within each and every organism. I dance and sing around it. And I find peace in the silence.
And in the moment I stop being in touch with the greater power - pow! Depressed, bleak and dark. Help me please
Found the song - Tweeter and the monkey man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReQsRgQXgQY
Tweeter and the monkey man were hard up for cash
They stayed up all night selling cocaine and hash
To an undercover cop who had a sister named jan
For reasons unexplained she loved the monkey man
Tweeter was a boy scout before she went to vietnam
And found out the hard way nobody gives a damn
They knew that they found freedom just across the jersey line
So they hopped into a stolen car took highway 99
(chorus)
And the walls came down all the way to hell
Never saw them when they're standing
Never saw them when they fell
The undercover cop never liked the monkey man
Even back in childhood he wanted to see him in the can
Jan got married at fourteen to a rackateer named bill
She made secret calls to the monkey man from a mansion on the hill
It was out on thunder road - tweeter at the wheel
They crashed into paradise - they could hear them tires squeal
The undercover cop pulled up and said everyone of yous a liar
If you don't surrender now it's gonna go down to the wire
(chorus)
An ambulance rolled up - a state trooper close behind
Tweeter took his gun away and messed up his mind
The undercover cop was left tied up to a tree
Near the souvenir stand by the old abandoned factory
Next day the undercover cop was hot in pursuit
He was taking the whole thing personal
He didn't care about the loot
Jan had told him many times it was you to me who taught
In jersey anythings legal as long as you don't get caught
(chorus)
Someplace by rahway prison they ran out of gas
The undercover cop had cornered them said boy, you didn't
Think that this could last
Jan jumped out of bed said there's someplace I gotta go
She took a gun out of the drawer and said it's best if you don't know
The undercover cop was found face down in a field
The monkey man was on the river bridge using tweeter as a shield
Jan said to the monkey man Im not fooled by tweeters curl
I knew him long before he ever became a jersey girl
(chorus)
Now the town of jersey city is quieting down again
Im sitting in a gambling club called the lions den
The tv set been blown up, every bit of it is gone
Ever since the nightly news show that the monkey man was on
I guess I'll to to florida and get myself some sun
There aint no more opportunity here, everythings been done
Sometime I think of tweeter, sometime I think of jan
Sometime I don't think about nothing but the monkey man
Bless
XX
Friday 8 July 2011
Theorizing conspiracies or reality - who do we believe
From Before It's News online 8 July 2011 ....
Bilderberg 2011 Discussion Leaked Via Moles Inside
07 July 2011 16:42:54
PT-1
Understanding the Bilderbergers and their way of thinking and what they are planning!
Also, some hard facts.....and very grim reading! Be warned! See Conclusion. Here's a few extracts........
From Wells Fargo and JP Morgan Chase and beyond, the system is imploding: banks, financial markets, bond markets, housing markets. And now, we can add the United States to the list of bankrupt nations. US dollar has lost 12% of its value in one year. And China, for the first time, has become a net seller of US treasury bonds. What it means is that the bond bubble is about to explode and when it does, take a front row seat and enjoy the fireworks. This is once in a lifetime opportunity.
From Wells Fargo and JP Morgan Chase and beyond, the system is imploding: banks, financial markets, bond markets, housing markets. And now, we can add the United States to the list of bankrupt nations. US dollar has lost 12% of its value in one year. And China, for the first time, has become a net seller of US treasury bonds. What it means is that the bond bubble is about to explode and when it does, take a front row seat and enjoy the fireworks. This is once in a lifetime opportunity.
China´s warning was reiterated at the Bilderberg conference by a first time Chinese delegate, that USG´s planned attack on Pakistan will be interpreted as an act of aggression against Beijing.
The Bilderberg Group is not the end, but the means, to a future One World Company Limited.
The ultimate goal of this nightmare future is to transform Earth into a prison planet by bringing about a single globalised marketplace, controlled by One World Company, financially regulated by a World Bank, and populated by a dumbed down population whose life´s needs will be stripped down to materialism and survival “ work, buy, sex, sleep“ all connected to a global computer that monitors our every move.
And it is becoming easier because the development of telecommunications technology together with profound advances in present-day knowledge and new methods of behavior engineering to manipulate individual conduct are converting what, in other epochs of history, were only evil intentions, into a disturbing new reality.
Each new measure viewed on its own may seem an aberration, but a whole host of changes, as part of an ongoing continuum, constitutes a shift towards total enslavement.
===================================================
BILDERBERG 2011 DISCUSSION LEAKED VIA MOLES INSIDE
===================================================
BILDERBERG 2011 DISCUSSION LEAKED VIA MOLES INSIDE
By Daniel Estulin of DanielEstulin.com; via Domas Jefferson
The background
In the world of international finance, there are those who steer the events and those who react to the events. While the latter are better known, greater in numbers, and seemingly more powerful, the true power rests with the former. At the centre of the global financial system are the financial oligarchy today represented by the Bilderberg group.
Bilderberg organization is dynamic, in that it changes with the times, absorbs and creates new parts while excreting the remains of the decaying parts. Members come and go, but the system itself has not changed. It is a self-perpetuating system, a virtual spider web of interlocked financial, political, economic and industry interests with the venetian ultramontane fondi model at the centre.
Now, Bilderberg isn´t a secret society. It is not an evil, all-seeing eye or a Jewish-Masonic conspiracy. There is no conspiracy even though a lot of people with their infantile fantasies see it as such. No group of people, and I dont care how powerful they are, sit around the table in dark room, holding hands, staring at a crystal ball, planning the world´s future.
Bilderberg is not a Cartesian fantasy world, in which the isolated intentions of some individuals, instead of the dynamics of social processes, shape the course of history as the movement of evolving ideas and themes over successive generations. It is clinically significant, that today´s more popular varieties of wild-eyed conspiracy theories, reflect the peculiarly pathological style in infantile fantasy associated with the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Harry Potter cults. The characteristic form of mental action these cults express, is the magical power of the will, acting outside real physical space-time dimension.
It´s a meeting of people who represent a certain ideology. Bilderberg is a medium of bringing together financial institutions which are the world´s most powerful and most predatory financial interests. And at this time, it is that combination which is the worst enemy of humanity.
Not OWG or NWO as too many people mistakenly believe. Rather, the ideology is of a ONE WORLD COMPANY LIMITED. Back in 1968, at a Bilderberg meeting in Canada, George Ball, the then Under-secretary for Economic Affairs with JFK and Johnson said: Where does one find a legitimate base for the power of corporate management to make decisions that can profoundly affect the economic life of nations to whose governments they have only limited responsibility?
The idea behind each and every Bilderberg meeting is to create what they themselves call THE ARISTOCRACY OF PURPOSE between European and North American elites on the best way to manage the planet. In other words, the creation of a global network of giant cartels, more powerful than any nation on Earth, destined to control the necessities of life of the rest of humanity.
-----------------------
Iraq
One of the key discussion points regarding Iraq centered on the future of the US mission in the country given that the eight-year occupation is coming to an end. Under the heading “What rights do we have in Iraq? Bilderberg delegates discussed whether the USG is entitled to some kind of squatters rights.
One of the key discussion points regarding Iraq centered on the future of the US mission in the country given that the eight-year occupation is coming to an end. Under the heading “What rights do we have in Iraq? Bilderberg delegates discussed whether the USG is entitled to some kind of squatters rights.
For now, this issue is off the charts, but in the foreseeable future the story will undoubtedly get lots of mainstream attention. What concerns everyone involved is the last page, the ending to the Iraqi occupation. If the US military leaves Iraq, something that most Bilderberg delegates do not see plausible, under what conditions and agreements will this be made possible?
As one American delegate reminded his colleagues, as of October 1, 2011, full responsibility for the US presence in Iraq would officially be transferred from the military to the Department of State. Translation: we might well be sold a false bill of good by the mainstream press. USG has no intentions of ever leaving Iraq, even if ownership changes hands.
What one US delegate stated can sum up US position on Iraq: when you think of Iraq, think big. Indeed, to understand US position in the country, one only needs to remember that the US mission in Baghdad is the worlds largest embassy, built for just under $1 billion and comparable in size to the Vatican and visible from space.
One European delegate asked point blank if after eight years of war, anyone can truly say that it was worth the effort. At a staggering cost of trillions of US dollars, over five thousand US lives and over a million innocent Iraqis killed few can admit to the spectacular failure of the mission. With the supposed upcoming transfer of power from the Department of Defense to the Department of State, one is left to wonder exactly what will the US mission be in Iraq beginning in 2012. As another European Bilderberg retorted: “It is anyones guess.
The US delegates pointed to the fact that there is a stable government in the country as a result of a democratically held elections. He was reminded that the initial reason for the invasion had to do with finding and eliminating weapons of mass destruction. The concern for their freedom was an afterthought, said one European. There was also talk of major financial investment in Iraq to jumpstart their weak economy. However, most attendees agreed that the investment was completely self-serving, centered on the US embassy and justifying its existence and costs.
Middle East
Let´s start with the conclusion: As cash for counter-revolution is dolled out by the billions, the future of the great 2011 Arab revolt looks grimmer and grimmer. Bilderberg fully backs draconian repression and perpetual war all across the Persian Gulf and is willingly using its staunch ally, Saudi Arabia to do it bidding. This war will include every nation in the Middle East except for Israel. Saudi Arabia is a strategic partner, not only because it is a repressive Monarchy and a dictatorship, thus unaccountable to an electorate, but also because of their oil as strategic energy reserve.
Let´s start with the conclusion: As cash for counter-revolution is dolled out by the billions, the future of the great 2011 Arab revolt looks grimmer and grimmer. Bilderberg fully backs draconian repression and perpetual war all across the Persian Gulf and is willingly using its staunch ally, Saudi Arabia to do it bidding. This war will include every nation in the Middle East except for Israel. Saudi Arabia is a strategic partner, not only because it is a repressive Monarchy and a dictatorship, thus unaccountable to an electorate, but also because of their oil as strategic energy reserve.
Instability across the entire Middle East allows Bilderberg an excuse to push oil prices to a $150-180 per barrel. This would put tremendous political pressure on Germany and the European Union on the one hand and on China and its economic and political aspirations on the other.
Keep in mind that no matter how you role the dice, Bilderberg wins.
Back in the summer 2008, oil shot up to $147 a barrel, something I predicted back in May 2005, after the Bilderberg conference in Rottach-Egern where it was decided to manipulate prices to that level by the summer 2008. At the time, JP Morgan was advising the Chinese government that China buy all the physical crude oil because it is going to $200 a barrel. What few people know, is that almost all of the price of oil is pure speculation, manipulated by the Goldman Sachs Commodity Index. Thus, Wall Street controls the oil price irrespective of supply and demand. Rest assured, that this is all part of a long range objective to control not only the oil price but the world financial markets.
If you take a closer look, Saudi Arabia has their fingers in every Middle Eastern pie. Take Egypt. The House of Saud has just given Supreme Military Council leader Field Marshall Tantawi US$4 billion in cash. In Yemen, the Saudis are buying Yemeni tribes with money, in the name of stability in the region. In Bahrain, they are overtly supporting the National Human Rights Organization whose president was appointed by King Hamad bin Isa al-Khalifa in 2010.
From Wikipedia July 2011
The Bilderberg Group, Bilderberg conference, or Bilderberg Club is an annual, unofficial, invitation-only conference of approximately 120 to 140 guests from North America and Western Europe, most of whom are people of influence. About one-third are from government and politics, and two-thirds from finance, industry, labour, education and communications. Meetings are closed to the public and often feature future political leaders shortly before they become household names.Because of its exclusivity and privacy, the Bilderberg group is accused by conspiracy theorists of being an all powerful secret society fixing the fate of the world behind closed doors for nefarious ends. Critics of Bilderberg conspiracy theories counter that the group is neither a supreme world government nor a mere social club but rather a meeting ground for top executives from the world’s leading multinational corporations and top national political figures to consider jointly the immediate and long-term policies facing the West in order to reach a consensus.
A Listening Walk
I, listened hearing the gaps of the silent crows. And through their quietened squawking talk, a pitter patter on the pavement. Then a muffled phut, phut on the grass. Large drips plopped off corners of buidlings and leaking drainpipes. It was raining! I could feel the sound of the rain on my skin through it's coolness, refreshing. Wind rushed through the trees, rustling the leaves, flurrying the water droplets previously taking rest there. They spluttered to the ground. Water streaming faintly towards a drain, tipping over the edge and dropping into the tunnels below, the sound emphasised with the echo. Turning along the stretch beside the young river. Water droplets sounding very different now as they plip plop, and faster now, as the sky intensifies its darkness, fresh water hurtling downwards. Running now, I take shelter in an archway formed by two thatched roofs. I can hear the rain pounding into the straw, sort of rattling. Still by the river water cascades into the river. The liquid sunshine flowing and collecting down the valley hills, dropping into drains with a scurrying, tumbling into drains. Picking up speed, rushing rushing until free falling into the river and carrying on it's journey. The village rush hour of three cars swished by and splashed through road puddles. Running for home,I smiled at the flip flap of my shoes hit the sodden pathways and the pitter pad patter pad of my dogs paws beside me.
Angst through the night - letter to a friend
I hope you are feeling the warm sunshine and able to sit back and relax. Oh I remember sitting at Angela's place. Reading in the sunshine knowing I felt uncomfortable in the relationship with SH. Good contemplation time. Got clarity but no courage. Another 2 or so years and then it was him who found the courage. Still hurt!
I can recall though the relief from clarity and how at peace I was just sitting there, mainly alone as SH slept long long into the day.
Anyway my point about that is that I know there was always a lot of thinking time for me when sitting - not something I just do for days and days except the odd holiday. The last one in Turkey with E was pure stress as I was really starting to feel horrid symptoms of menopause or at that time still peri-menopause.
Wow all these negative thoughts!!
I had another night tossing and turning under my covers. Well I woke at 3.30 and thoughts whirling around and around. And I was getting so annoyed not to be asleep, knowing that I needed good rest to complete my essay and start on the experiment write up.
So I prayed for sleep. Nah! Not a drowsiness in the house. Apart from snoring LouLou in the other room so I went a woke her up and asked her to come and cuddle me. She did and her warmth started to help.
What I realised, and I suspect you may relate, is that I am terrified of my future. I am terrified and feel stuck with today and no knowledge of how to be unstuck. I started then praying that I could have faith and trust.
I feel stuck in a cluster of issues, that are associated with each other. I am not sure of the order of importance as each seems to lead to the other and back again.
I believe that I will need to be working less if I am going to get through the next 2 years at Uni. The courses are much more difficult and also count towards the majority of the final mark. I am scared.
To work less means of course earning less and with rising costs I am beginning to feel the pinch A LOT. To begin with the extra earnings made a difference and I could afford things for myself with a little less worry. But it's getting tighter financially. I cannot do extra work as I need to be doing less work.
I am doing more 1:1's after work where I can for some extra cash (taxed of course)
I could do some private 1:1's but I would only do that if accredited, insured and would need to find a nice room which would cost rent
I would like to find work closer to home BUT
I do not feel confident about my qualifications. I have good work experience now and good references I am sure.
To be accredited I have to do extra work which with my degree work I do not have the energy - I could probably squeeze time to do the necessary work but I am already exhausted and stressed with my current loads.
This lack of accreditation adds to my shame about being nothing really - no good. It's not even a measure of ability. BUT it's becoming important. So I feel like a fraud at times. Just been lucky to get the job I have so better hang onto it. I have often felt a fraud. I worked my way up the career ladder within business travel without any qualifications really. Industry training - I knew the industry backwards but once reached the level I did I was amongst people with degrees and always hid the fact I was working from experience only and at times had to crib from them when writing proposals or business plans etc. I never asked for help because I thought I would be exposed as the fraud that I was.
Now the FDAP/DANOS (company with whom I need to be accredited) have changed the requirements and I would need to complete a 2 year course. Just 2 months ago the course I completed was more than adequate. I could have done the accreditation when I finished my OU stuff last winter. But I was lazy and also the agony with JH a lot. My time was focused on him (addiction?)
I feel angry with myself about this. Also I did suggest to P I did it then and listened to him because I didn't really want to do the work when he said let him do it first as then he could help me as I had such a lot to do already. I am so angry with me for wasting that time when I was talking about it so much knowing it would help me a lot.
P has just been rushing his accreditation work through. He is stressed and I am feeling the urgency. I also know that once accredited he will hand in his notice, work privately and I am jealous and frustrated. I am also very anxious about how things will be at work. I am stuck there now though without accreditation.
I have two more years to go on my degree which I love and want to do (needing the time of course as above) But I am loathe to do it at times as I think I should be investing my time in a job related 2 year course. I can't afford them though - they are even more than the degrees!!!! And the P do not pay for training grrr and I am stuck with them
So long as they don't insist in accreditation - I am working towards it all the time.
I feel stuck
Then I am annoyed at myself because all this faffing around with my course has meant that I cannot attend the Uni weekend today until Sunday - which would help me greatly with this years course and my general learning and knowledge. I also am struggling to afford it so there is a saving in not going but a big loss. Instead I am trying to finish the assignment that I am blocked from doing with all the above anxieties and stresses.
I feel terrified of the future. I will be old and a pauper not able to afford to do anything and bored stiff. I already am really. I sit here evening after evening - too scared to go out, feeling so fat and ugly (that's vanity I suppose), wasting time on FB. I do like sketching. I am tired and ageing and should be looking towards slowing things down really but I cannot.
I just feel in a whirl with all of this. I am so scared of the financial insecurity. I am scared. It feels a bit like it did when I first was off work in 1998. Just cannot see a way out or forward. None of it feels good.
I am hoping by sharing what I am now seeing -this big quagmire at the bottom of everything else and it's festering. And it's shaky ground to have my feet on. Nothing feels certain. That should please me really - if I could just go with the flow and trust that I will always have what I need. When I say that I get a momentary reprieve and feel the calm.
I suppose the thing is that I would have to ask for help or support - and I am so useless at that. I feel ashamed and embarrassed - here I am at this age with nothing. I have worked hard all my life really to achieve so little that gives me any of the comforts I want.
I am a mess!
Fantastic - I sent a text to A as well just summarising the above and we agreed to talk this afternoon. I must congratulate myself for at least trying to do the right things - so I didn't start essay writing until after lunch. However, I have written about my angst and asked for support. This resulted in verbalising everything and as I heard myself there was some real harshness upon myself and some urgency without prioritising. A helped me too by reiterating this. Firstly I noticed how damning I was of my skills and abilities. I achieved highly in the travel industry through my abilities. And my capability was evident. I did not back away from work but found ways to provide the high standards I set. I didn't directly ask for help but I was able enough to read other peoples things and develop it for myself. And there are plenty of people that get to high positions without degrees - Sir Alan Sugar A pointed out - multi multi millionaire who is highly successful in business. And the same applies in this job. I receive compliments all the time. I have been employed because I am considered good at what I do and even head hunted for my current position. As for the accreditation - it is not a study, it is an accreditation for the courses that I have achieved and the work that I have done. But they have decided to alter the criteria. But as A suggests it may be worth writing to them as at the time of the course it was an accredited course and therefore should still be applicable. Understandably they could say from a particular date onwards the criteria has changed but they will not be asking everyone who has done that course to now do another one to be accredited. However, A also suggested taking that up after I have got this piece of work completed. Prioritising and parking that situation on the shelf until I have the head space and time. I will try to keep reminding myself of that.
It is so good that I have the ability to speak openly and honestly even about things that I am ashamed of. I come from a shame base. Furthermore, the deep level facts and truth are not always apparent and I can feel quite stuck with myself - feeling but not knowing what those emotions are or what is behind them. layers and layers of the onion gradually peel back.
I am grateful for the process and the support.
Bliss XX
I can recall though the relief from clarity and how at peace I was just sitting there, mainly alone as SH slept long long into the day.
Anyway my point about that is that I know there was always a lot of thinking time for me when sitting - not something I just do for days and days except the odd holiday. The last one in Turkey with E was pure stress as I was really starting to feel horrid symptoms of menopause or at that time still peri-menopause.
Wow all these negative thoughts!!
I had another night tossing and turning under my covers. Well I woke at 3.30 and thoughts whirling around and around. And I was getting so annoyed not to be asleep, knowing that I needed good rest to complete my essay and start on the experiment write up.
So I prayed for sleep. Nah! Not a drowsiness in the house. Apart from snoring LouLou in the other room so I went a woke her up and asked her to come and cuddle me. She did and her warmth started to help.
What I realised, and I suspect you may relate, is that I am terrified of my future. I am terrified and feel stuck with today and no knowledge of how to be unstuck. I started then praying that I could have faith and trust.
I feel stuck in a cluster of issues, that are associated with each other. I am not sure of the order of importance as each seems to lead to the other and back again.
I believe that I will need to be working less if I am going to get through the next 2 years at Uni. The courses are much more difficult and also count towards the majority of the final mark. I am scared.
To work less means of course earning less and with rising costs I am beginning to feel the pinch A LOT. To begin with the extra earnings made a difference and I could afford things for myself with a little less worry. But it's getting tighter financially. I cannot do extra work as I need to be doing less work.
I am doing more 1:1's after work where I can for some extra cash (taxed of course)
I could do some private 1:1's but I would only do that if accredited, insured and would need to find a nice room which would cost rent
I would like to find work closer to home BUT
I do not feel confident about my qualifications. I have good work experience now and good references I am sure.
To be accredited I have to do extra work which with my degree work I do not have the energy - I could probably squeeze time to do the necessary work but I am already exhausted and stressed with my current loads.
This lack of accreditation adds to my shame about being nothing really - no good. It's not even a measure of ability. BUT it's becoming important. So I feel like a fraud at times. Just been lucky to get the job I have so better hang onto it. I have often felt a fraud. I worked my way up the career ladder within business travel without any qualifications really. Industry training - I knew the industry backwards but once reached the level I did I was amongst people with degrees and always hid the fact I was working from experience only and at times had to crib from them when writing proposals or business plans etc. I never asked for help because I thought I would be exposed as the fraud that I was.
Now the FDAP/DANOS (company with whom I need to be accredited) have changed the requirements and I would need to complete a 2 year course. Just 2 months ago the course I completed was more than adequate. I could have done the accreditation when I finished my OU stuff last winter. But I was lazy and also the agony with JH a lot. My time was focused on him (addiction?)
I feel angry with myself about this. Also I did suggest to P I did it then and listened to him because I didn't really want to do the work when he said let him do it first as then he could help me as I had such a lot to do already. I am so angry with me for wasting that time when I was talking about it so much knowing it would help me a lot.
P has just been rushing his accreditation work through. He is stressed and I am feeling the urgency. I also know that once accredited he will hand in his notice, work privately and I am jealous and frustrated. I am also very anxious about how things will be at work. I am stuck there now though without accreditation.
I have two more years to go on my degree which I love and want to do (needing the time of course as above) But I am loathe to do it at times as I think I should be investing my time in a job related 2 year course. I can't afford them though - they are even more than the degrees!!!! And the P do not pay for training grrr and I am stuck with them
So long as they don't insist in accreditation - I am working towards it all the time.
I feel stuck
Then I am annoyed at myself because all this faffing around with my course has meant that I cannot attend the Uni weekend today until Sunday - which would help me greatly with this years course and my general learning and knowledge. I also am struggling to afford it so there is a saving in not going but a big loss. Instead I am trying to finish the assignment that I am blocked from doing with all the above anxieties and stresses.
I feel terrified of the future. I will be old and a pauper not able to afford to do anything and bored stiff. I already am really. I sit here evening after evening - too scared to go out, feeling so fat and ugly (that's vanity I suppose), wasting time on FB. I do like sketching. I am tired and ageing and should be looking towards slowing things down really but I cannot.
I just feel in a whirl with all of this. I am so scared of the financial insecurity. I am scared. It feels a bit like it did when I first was off work in 1998. Just cannot see a way out or forward. None of it feels good.
I am hoping by sharing what I am now seeing -this big quagmire at the bottom of everything else and it's festering. And it's shaky ground to have my feet on. Nothing feels certain. That should please me really - if I could just go with the flow and trust that I will always have what I need. When I say that I get a momentary reprieve and feel the calm.
I suppose the thing is that I would have to ask for help or support - and I am so useless at that. I feel ashamed and embarrassed - here I am at this age with nothing. I have worked hard all my life really to achieve so little that gives me any of the comforts I want.
I am a mess!
Fantastic - I sent a text to A as well just summarising the above and we agreed to talk this afternoon. I must congratulate myself for at least trying to do the right things - so I didn't start essay writing until after lunch. However, I have written about my angst and asked for support. This resulted in verbalising everything and as I heard myself there was some real harshness upon myself and some urgency without prioritising. A helped me too by reiterating this. Firstly I noticed how damning I was of my skills and abilities. I achieved highly in the travel industry through my abilities. And my capability was evident. I did not back away from work but found ways to provide the high standards I set. I didn't directly ask for help but I was able enough to read other peoples things and develop it for myself. And there are plenty of people that get to high positions without degrees - Sir Alan Sugar A pointed out - multi multi millionaire who is highly successful in business. And the same applies in this job. I receive compliments all the time. I have been employed because I am considered good at what I do and even head hunted for my current position. As for the accreditation - it is not a study, it is an accreditation for the courses that I have achieved and the work that I have done. But they have decided to alter the criteria. But as A suggests it may be worth writing to them as at the time of the course it was an accredited course and therefore should still be applicable. Understandably they could say from a particular date onwards the criteria has changed but they will not be asking everyone who has done that course to now do another one to be accredited. However, A also suggested taking that up after I have got this piece of work completed. Prioritising and parking that situation on the shelf until I have the head space and time. I will try to keep reminding myself of that.
It is so good that I have the ability to speak openly and honestly even about things that I am ashamed of. I come from a shame base. Furthermore, the deep level facts and truth are not always apparent and I can feel quite stuck with myself - feeling but not knowing what those emotions are or what is behind them. layers and layers of the onion gradually peel back.
I am grateful for the process and the support.
Bliss XX
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