My dad called and I am going to meet him for lunch. It arouses such a mix of the the little girl feelings in me - excited, hopeful, wanting, anxious, scared, sad. I am not sure where anger goes but I don't feel it right now. I guess that usually follows with the disappointment and the put downs!
I am attempting to be aware and observe and simply be myself without being defensive and spiky in my defensiveness.
I am me. And at the moment I feel light and breezy, perhaps a little high. I am taking the pills! Much to my disgust.
I have sent a text to a friend that helped me get out in words the things that are going on. I want to be full of news and be interesting and immediately I feel uninteresting and I haven't a clue what's going on. So instead I could ask questions of interest. I wonder what he thinks of the riots but feel certain he'll just say lock em all up or shoot them all. I wonder what he thinks about the state of the economy and the current Government. I doubt I would get much of an answer. I could ask him what he is finding intersting these days that fills the time between his hospital visits. What stimulates him?
I am stimulated by art, and goo films. I love walking and the countryside and my friends stimulate me enormously bringing me their interestes to understand. I am interested in history and yet know so little of the stories that go along to make up the legacy we live within today. I am interested in Buddhism well belief systems and what is peaceful amongst the different principles. Music stimulates me and poetry. Psychology lesson stimulate me - I am fascinated by the way we work biologically as well.
Well it was OK. He doesn't really want to engage in any meaningful discussions it seems. He likes talking about Korea and his part in it. He read a book called the Battle of Imgin. He was relating to sections of the book from his experience. It sounds hell. I think I will try and read it. He boasts about status things regarding his pension and hospital treatment etc. I talked about things I have been showing an interest in recently and he isn't terribly conversive about them so I tailor off. I did mention bi-polar and again he didn't really show any interest so I ended that too.
It feels alright. It is all about him and it is disappointing that he shows no interest or wants to discuss anything of general interest with me. I suppose that's how it's actually always been. And I do not take offence as I have done in the past. It's not so much to do with me but his own way and that's who and how he is.
He moaned a lot about T's daughters. I think that is a sort of explanation so that I am not feeling about them. I described to him the hurt I felt about some past experiences that involved him with them. I think he protests too much. Yet again he really isn't a people fan at all. I asked him about that and he said he prefers not having contact with people. I feel sad about that. And it was evident with my mum. He made such a terrible atmosphere whenever visiting people or having visitors was involved. My mum used to be in tears often. She made her own social life and in the end ignored him. However, he could make sure visitors knew they were unwelcome! I have horrid memories of occassions involving my own friends. He was justy downright rude. I rarely took anyone home. All that adds to the feelings associated with my dad.
But just sitting there, the two of us, it's OK. It's not great but it's OK. He invited me to his house. At first he said would I brave it. To which I pointed out that I have no issues but it seems that I have been unwelcome and never invited. So he said when T is feeling slightly better then perhaps I would go and visit. Of course I will. That will be another whole ball-game with T as the last time I really had any encounter with her was the werirdness when my dad was in hospital for his heart valve op!
So yes an OK encounter with my dad. I approached him to kiss him on the cheek. I hate the feel of his skin on my lips. Makes me gag!
But overall it's just OK. Not incredibly close but certaily easier than it has felt.
Sad, a little flat, disappointed, accepting, suspicious, pleased, relaxed, insecure, comfortable.
A right old mix of emotions. It was difficult to observe myself I have just realised. But on reflection, I listened a lot. I did ask questions of the things he seemed interesting to talk about. I was reasonably relaxed and acceptant of him. I talked and I had a happy disposition with him. I hate that I mention finances and it's as if I have tourettes. Ha ha, nothing happens though. Uhm. I did notice how horrible the physical contact is. I am conscious of every part me involved in any contact. And that is not pleasant to be so acutely aware of.
I have submitted my assignment!!!!!! So off for an hour to Festival Hall to the arts and craft exhibition. Then back to get LouLou and meet up for a walk. Yip yip. An evening free of angst and work tomorrow.
What was my dream. Darn it I can't remember. It involved ..... people. People I know but who were they???? Darn I can't quite remember. I need something to break the dream. Humph!
Bliss
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