Better than ruling the whole world, better than going to heaven, better than lordship over the universe, is an irreversible commitment to the Way.
Dhammapada v. 178
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Unconditioned freedom: a quality of being not dependent on any condition whatsoever. Whatever the circumstances, fortunate or unfortunate, the heart remains at ease, radiant, clear-seeing, sensitive and strong. It is a commitment that is irreversible, unshakable and real; beyond all of deluded ego's obsessions. To arrive at this level of resolve requires constant observation of our old habits, for example: the fondness of being in control of everything, addiction to passing pleasures, obsession with power. We work with what we have. Each time we find ourselves distracted we refocus our commitment to the Way.
What do I read and understand from this? I think there are a few things. The biggest is acceptance. Acceptance of the way things are , how people are and that includes me. Not criticising myself for the way I am in a sense of a beating up but being aware and conscious, accepting that's how it is and then deciding the things are I don't like and what can I do to change. This also means accepting that I cannot change people, places or things. All I can ever do is change me or my behaviour, attitude, beliefs. For instance I don't like the way my dad was speaking to me. I cannot change that. But what I can do is change my reaction and instead notice the way I feel, accept that and say something to him to tell him how his action affects me. He then has the opportunity to react or respond. My acceptance around that is then seeing what happens and moving away from him if it continues. I did this when realising that each time I called him by phone he was ruder to me than when he called me. I had a lot of assumptions as to why but knew I would never get an honest answer about that so there was no point in trying to find out. But what I could do was say how I felt about this and I told him that I wouldn't phone him anymore. There was a change in attitude from him slightly. Perhaps he is in a better place to reflect on such matters, who knows. But over recent years these little changes have contributed to greater changes.
With regard to the unconditioned freedom, I see that again this acceptance of things the way they are, not trying to manipulate. The situation is what it is, sometimes positive and sometimes not. If I can accept things as they are my heart will remain "at ease, radiant, clear-seeing, sensitive and strong." I do not have to deny my emotional response. Instead if I accept how I feel about any situation I can respond appropriately. This may mean letting it go and moving on, doing something, saying something. For example my friend was saying accepting leaves me vulnerable to be walked over politically. Uh uh. This is not what acceptance means to me. Acceptance means that I can listen carefully to how I feel about a political stand point and then do something if I so wish. For example I listen to my heart more and more when I hear the things that are being changed by this coalition Government. I know I disagree with much of it. That I much more interested in better quality for all yet I am locked into the material world of wanting things. So I am not being unrealistic and talking the talk. As yet I accept I do not know how to move forward with my thoughts and beliefs. They are there to be changed too. Just because I think and feel this way now does not mean I am unteachable or unmovable. So I am not beating myself up for being where I am with this. Even if I am actually not doing anything specific. What I know at this time is what I feel comfortable within myself believing in. I do have very skeptical thoughts about politicians. There is always dirt to be dug up and mistakes they make that seem less ethically or principle driven and more about self gain. I may be wrong though as I am not inside their heads. All I can do at the moment is keep questioning and not just follow because I don't know.
And yes I agree with Ajahn Munindo (he he he). Maintaining the inner peace through acceptance requires continuous practice. Staying conscious is something that leaves me so easily when I don't maintain little daily, weekly routines. For instance I have not managed to get to Chithurst in a while. I want to go to enjoy shared time in silence. There is something wonderful about that. It is OK practicing here with myself. But there is the effort involved in getting there that plays as much a part of staying conscious as practicing here too. And being in the environment raises the opportunity to breathe it all in.
A text to my friend in response the her saying that if I am looking for a soulmate she will start making new friends again to fill the gap that I leave when involved with a man. I felt dreadful realising this reality.
Pah! The passing men have not been soulmates. Youch it is horrid to think that is what I have caused you to feel. I am truly sorry. I feel that dig deeply. As I felt it to when my dad said how he was affected by my behaviour involving men. I do NOT want to be that person anymore. That will be difficult to trust I know as I have said never again all my life.
I am horrified how the desire of a relationship and the desire of tastes in food are sometimes stronger than temptation itself. I am utterly powerless and I do feel this now. I get confused and it's the difference between temptation and healthy interaction with food and men that I want to work towards. I sometimes get despondent when I re engage with how old I am and what's the point. The point is that in a moment I can be inspired by just what happens - a beautiful sky, a wonderful quote, an incredible painting, an exciting play, a funny thought, loving friendship, - at times just stopping and embracing the creativity around me is the point. I can lose the point so quickly, the passion in me can be doused with a single negative thought. And I would like to learn how to challenge this negativity and not feed it.
Oh did I write already about the pain in my arm that left me barely able to use my arm yesterday. I was thinking that it might be some kind of strange virus as I was feeling unwell at the same time. Just before my dad called to say that yes he would like to meet. I took some paracetamol and whilst the pain in my arm was still there and very painful, it did subside. And the general feeling of malaise also lifted slightly. Today the pain has shifted. It is gone completely from my arm (and my knee before that) and is now in my neck and head and a little in my right arm now. It's odd! It's wither a very strange virus attacking muscles or bones or both or something. or maybe it's hormones. I am learning how powerful hormones are and recently I have been swollen tummied again and hungry. Where I didn't even think about sweet things I am constantly fighting off the desire and I cannot shift any more weight right now. I am also lower in energy levels. Noticeably.
I am trying not to let this be a reason to feel down although I do. And just by acknowledging that and writing it I can adjust.
OK studying for a while ........
Just realised that there is a fine line between consciousness and tripping into analysing whch can become paralysing.
Bliss
xx
I don't think rain allows me to be terribly glamorous - oh well.
