In response

Good morning S

How is your PMT? Any relief yet?

I am writing because I love your writing. Your honesty with yourself and the way you think about your experiences. And because I identify myself within your words.

My dad is ex-military and a total bigot. The odd thing is I am always attracted to the angst in a man. And I recognise this these days. I feel safe and as if they are strong and want ti take care of me. I always have found out that actually there is anger just under the surface. I sort of hero-worship for their bravery. Like I used to think cowboys are so manly and strong and brave.

Crazy - I romanticise all this and then discover that they are just angry and nasty to all including me. They want to look after me so long as I do exactly as they say. Unfortunately I am too much of a rebel and want to break free. I am very muddled around all this. I think it swings like the bi-polar does. After all look at the strong pull I had and can think about with M/s. I willingly wanted to learn to be completely giving of me. Ha how useless I was at that. I could not combat my own wants!! Good.

I also relate strongly to the way my size seems to be a focus of everything. I don't want to go out, or meet up with people. I never buy clothes. I make plans and cancel.

And so on. And as you remarked it is baffling how I take comfort in the unhealthy foods and yet feel dreadful immediately afterwards.

I have been studying the brain chemicals and the ways in which the natural opioids in out brains are stimulated hugely by sugars - bear in mind that sugars are high in some carbohydrates - white flour for example. So there is this genuine placating that takes place - briefly!! And if addictive, as I am, then this working with the addictive processes is lethal.

So it is a physiological process as well as an emotional and spiritual process. I am currently trying to eat healthier again after a few weeks of insatiable hunger which I truly believe is connected with the hormonal shifts of menopause. A magnified version for me of PMT and one that lasts longer.

And yes if you can take it HRT offers some relief from some of the symptoms - of which the ones I have are driving me crazy. I am gaining a little more acceptance - very slowly.

Right now I am relieved that the hunger has lifted and I am once again eating more healthily. I still allow myself all food types but stick to three meals per day - no snacks at all and minimise when I can the really high fat content and high sugar content. Plus I am walking every day even if only half an hour. And some sit ups again in the morning. All this had stopped for months. Loads of weight has piled back on. It's so frustrating that I turn to food to comfort when actually it no longer works. I would like to not turn to anything for comfort. I would like to be better practiced at working through whatever it is I am avoiding. Usually loneliness and sadness. Blah blah blah

Your birthday - you sound so similar to me. I thought for my 40th and my 50th I should do something big and special. I didn't. I am just not a big party person. Friends said I should have partied so for 2 years on the trot I arranged gatherings. It was nice but just not me. I enjoyed lots of people gathering for me - the first time was an exceptionally hot day and we had a huge gathering for a picnic. Everyone bought their own fare so the costs were zero - of course this was May.

The next year a friend suggested we have the picnic in her garden. Nice but actually I realised it was a lot of stress and I a not a big gathering type person

And I worried about who would come - I invited just about everyone I know from all over the world and some people I barely know too. Some of them I have never seen again which is no issue as they were people flitting by my life.

Since then I invite just my very closest friends - 3 of them and we go out for a meal. And then my other friend who doesn't like mixing with strangers (everyone is a stranger as she isolates really) we go out for an Indian meal or get a take away with her mum and sister. This year even that got bigger and more fussy than I really wanted.

I like it quiet and least fuss. But there are friends who say to me that I am not treating myself and that its a self esteem issue. I am not sure it is.

This year I had several gatherings with different friends simple quiet meals out.

It suits me.

And when PMT ish it may not be the easiest time to be working out what you want or need. There is no rush is there? You can decide not to decide for today.

I find it difficult to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion even when it is prejudices and meanness. But they are of course allowed to be different from me.

I try to practice not trying to change peoples minds, being acceptant and not being afraid to put my views in too. However, it seems that some people are so prejudiced they cannot be open. It is pointless. I can continue to practice openness. I always hear something that is valuable to my own development.

However I have realised that there is no point in trying to put a different view across. Funnily enough a Chris I was pursuing for the wrong reasons was military and also bigoted. I couldn't understand why I so wanted him when he was so mean and nasty about the world. It's what I do. Overlook my own values just to try and be wanted. No more!

This means the path narrows I guess. But it is seemingly impossible to be with someone who has such opposing views. There needs to be some common ground within friendships.

As I read about your visit with Darren I felt quite concerned. I didn't like that you felt separate and their inhospitable ways and views - nah! Not nice.

It's funny what makes the world go around. I realise that I need to know meanness so that I also recognise inclusion and generosity and grace.

I work towards those qualities, I value them whereas those people who value segregation and closedness are really helpful in me finding my values. I just need to minimise time with them. Oh and stop trying to change them hahahaha.

I love reading your Blog - your thoughts. I hope you don't mind me having my thoughts on them. I will not send this of course to maintain your privacy. You just stimulate thoughts and ideas in me- thank you.

--

Bliss

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Baffling - people with people

People. I love them and I am at times baffled by them.
I see a client who is so defended up and says that he has no fears. He wants to be antagonistic. He doesn't want therapy around these things he just wants to be well and thinks everyone is out to get him. Hearing his story I understand why. Me though - I start thinking I am not doing my job. I haven't asked the right questions. I become insecure. I have to hold myself steady in this. I am doing what I would do with all clients and some want to work and by doing so they explore the possibilities. So there are some people that it just doesn't work for. I will be interested to hear what other colleagues say.
I have been concerned about a friend recently. However she says she's been feeling better recently than she had been feeling. It seemed that my concern was interpreted with some criticism. She read it and I didn't mean that. It feels very scratchy with her recently. I need to pull out of the scratching and just let it be because otherwise me explaining me becomes some kind of battle. This happens from time to time with her. I guess it happens with people.
Within friendships it sort of moves in and out. I can accept my friends the way they are. I do not rust that they will be as acceptant as I am and withdraw gradually. Well if that's what happens that's what happens. I move away gradually from some people too. I hope it doesn't as the friends I have are very important to me and I value them all in different ways.
I have pulled back from E in terms of work. I prefer not to have work conversations now and no personal conversations at work. I visit her less often at work and am trying not to be all jokey and excessive. I will attempt to more professional. Light and breezy is one thing but I can take that too far.
A is less available recently since meeting her boyfriend. I am glad we are working through the steps together as this means we meet weekly.
I wonder????
Apparently SH has become a little more portly. He was very skinny so could do with some filling out. But this would be good too for my own filling out. So selfish ha ha ha and all about how I am looking. I wish it mattered less. And it does. I am who I am. I have prejudices against size and it's not true.
People! Me!
I have time for rambling this morning and oddly nothing too specific to ramble about. I am working the later shift - Aftercare. Lovely. And we have supervision today. Great. Apparently V will be there too which will be interesting. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with some challenges she makes as they seem to me to be direct criticism of people and not respectful of the way people think and feel at all. Ha ha which is a direct criticism from me. So I will not be remarking for a while I think. I get a sense that she is very very sensitive and may find the open arena quite difficult. We will see.
One thing that has presented itself to me this week (and in the past) is that in advance I make plans that sound really good. But as it gets closer I start to bottle out. I am not sure what this is about. I recall it starting to happen excessively when I was first unwell. Until that time I always went to everything without fear. But now everything fears fearful unless I am doing something with someone I know well. When I have moved out of my comfort zone I have had a great time and loved the sense of achievement and adventure. I love adventuring. But somehow things seem difficult and then I disappoint people not least myself.
I am not sure what the fears are about. It sometimes seems difficult to organise the arrangements. Timing and what I might need, how to get there and logistical things can seem really too much to handle. And then I am not organised in advance. I leave everything to the last minute so then feel too rushed. Also I think when I feel uncomfortable about me and my size that limits me incredibly. I feel unlikeable when I am bigger than I am comfortable with.That is because I dislike myself.
So I am not certain about the underlying issues with this. Commitment.
I will book my tickets to Oslo this week when I get paid. And then book the car park at Stansted and pass all the details to T so that its organised.
I must make arrangements with R for Spain too.
I feel committed to these trips. I sort of know actually when I am not really committing. Now I think I don;t like to say that I am not committing so that I seem nice to people but it's worse for them when I cancel last minute. Now there's a thought. Also I like the idea of some things but don't feel committed. Actually I am not sure this is about fear at all or rather fear about the doing of things. I think it's more do with people-pleasing. Interesting.
More to be explored because I can't be bothered right now. Even more interesting.
der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bliss
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