Oh yes I am.
I am meeting my father today. And I would like to tell him that I haven't been feeling too well these last few weeks. I can say that I am taking action. You see I want to ask him if he might be ale to help me out financially as a result of being off work. Next month is going to be tricky! I hate asking - what I tell myself is that if I had been more organised financially throughout my life I wouldn't be in this position of needing to ask. It is mainly fear and not trusting that there will be way through. I think actually if the worse came to the worse I would be able to manage, probably more than as I do have a little savings left. I may ask if he might be able to help if my savings aren't enough since I have a car service, insurance and road tax to pay.
I haven't cancelled the meeting with AV and BH this afternoon. I was thinking I would but I haven't. I ant to try and keep any arrangements I make despite feeling dreadful. I could always say that I need to leave earlier than I originally expected if it comes to that. I will phone the pub though and see about taking LouLou. I am not prepared to leave her for many hours. If I can't then I will see if AB can look after her.
I want to do some more reading after I have seen my father. I need to get some food in. I have been very good with my nutrition.
And another day I have woken not feeling like I would rather be dead. I am projecting negatively less.
I am realising that actually JH is happy with how he is. I am happy for JH being JH. He was just not compatible with me. I hope someday that we shall be able to be friends and I can support him being him. I feel a little of relief and release today. I hope that it will start to stay with me and the hurt will start to diminish.
I saw a lot about me last evening. I felt very low again at the meeting and wanted to share - I did share. I was unable to control my tears. It surprised me as I had had a good day and had come from a lovely walk. But talking about the situation I am in and the difficulty with acceptance I have brought on the tears. I am certain this is all menopause and hormones. It's too erratic. And the unpredictability makes it all see so flipping impossible to manage at this time. Today I have more faith that it will pass and I will feel good again (and that will pass too and that terrifies me). Acceptance is the answer to all my problems I know but I can't seem to reach it yet. So accepting that is a start. I am praying for the willingness to accept.
There is a woman in the meeting that I have known through work. I find it infuriating that she cross talks in the meetings. I knew that at the end of the meeting she would try and speak to me. I was not well prepared despite the knowing, to be able to say in a loving way that I didn't really want to talk about it. Mainly because she tries to fix and not allow the feelings. This I can see really has a powerful affect on me - with friends as well. When AB tries to contradict what I have said by explaining everything away rather than just allowing things to be for me how they are. I try to stay patient and listen and have an open mind. But people so don't want people to be how they are for their own reasons and not in the best interest of the other person. I do it I know and I work damned hard at not doing it.
I understand SW and AM when they used to say they didn't want feedback. I think SW takes that too far. But there are some people I don't want feedback from right now because I can't filter it appropriately right now. I want to be able to be open to everyone and make it my responsibility to filter out what is useful to me or not. At the moment though I need them to be the filter. Actually that is a good reflection to myself. Listen and filter, buy myself some time too to find a loving way to say that's not actually helpful to me at this time, or thank you for your input, I am working trough this with a lot of help. Something of that nature. If I could get it off pat!
I need to go an get ready.
I am doing this thing I do of - in a minute - delaying tactics even though I know how critical it is to be on time with my father. I used to always be late and he would be raging. That then would resurrect all the anger between us.
There is a lot of angst to work through. And I think I am bad for having all of this angst. At least I am dealing with it. Some people say they have non and therefore it stays suppressed and eats away in different ways.
I have seen people that have worked through anger and they are very different from those that say they haven't any anger.
I want what those have that have truly worked through their angst. It's a natural human emotion. I have a lot to let go of from the past.
I am meeting my father today. And I would like to tell him that I haven't been feeling too well these last few weeks. I can say that I am taking action. You see I want to ask him if he might be ale to help me out financially as a result of being off work. Next month is going to be tricky! I hate asking - what I tell myself is that if I had been more organised financially throughout my life I wouldn't be in this position of needing to ask. It is mainly fear and not trusting that there will be way through. I think actually if the worse came to the worse I would be able to manage, probably more than as I do have a little savings left. I may ask if he might be able to help if my savings aren't enough since I have a car service, insurance and road tax to pay.
I haven't cancelled the meeting with AV and BH this afternoon. I was thinking I would but I haven't. I ant to try and keep any arrangements I make despite feeling dreadful. I could always say that I need to leave earlier than I originally expected if it comes to that. I will phone the pub though and see about taking LouLou. I am not prepared to leave her for many hours. If I can't then I will see if AB can look after her.
I want to do some more reading after I have seen my father. I need to get some food in. I have been very good with my nutrition.
And another day I have woken not feeling like I would rather be dead. I am projecting negatively less.
I am realising that actually JH is happy with how he is. I am happy for JH being JH. He was just not compatible with me. I hope someday that we shall be able to be friends and I can support him being him. I feel a little of relief and release today. I hope that it will start to stay with me and the hurt will start to diminish.
I saw a lot about me last evening. I felt very low again at the meeting and wanted to share - I did share. I was unable to control my tears. It surprised me as I had had a good day and had come from a lovely walk. But talking about the situation I am in and the difficulty with acceptance I have brought on the tears. I am certain this is all menopause and hormones. It's too erratic. And the unpredictability makes it all see so flipping impossible to manage at this time. Today I have more faith that it will pass and I will feel good again (and that will pass too and that terrifies me). Acceptance is the answer to all my problems I know but I can't seem to reach it yet. So accepting that is a start. I am praying for the willingness to accept.
There is a woman in the meeting that I have known through work. I find it infuriating that she cross talks in the meetings. I knew that at the end of the meeting she would try and speak to me. I was not well prepared despite the knowing, to be able to say in a loving way that I didn't really want to talk about it. Mainly because she tries to fix and not allow the feelings. This I can see really has a powerful affect on me - with friends as well. When AB tries to contradict what I have said by explaining everything away rather than just allowing things to be for me how they are. I try to stay patient and listen and have an open mind. But people so don't want people to be how they are for their own reasons and not in the best interest of the other person. I do it I know and I work damned hard at not doing it.
I understand SW and AM when they used to say they didn't want feedback. I think SW takes that too far. But there are some people I don't want feedback from right now because I can't filter it appropriately right now. I want to be able to be open to everyone and make it my responsibility to filter out what is useful to me or not. At the moment though I need them to be the filter. Actually that is a good reflection to myself. Listen and filter, buy myself some time too to find a loving way to say that's not actually helpful to me at this time, or thank you for your input, I am working trough this with a lot of help. Something of that nature. If I could get it off pat!
I need to go an get ready.
I am doing this thing I do of - in a minute - delaying tactics even though I know how critical it is to be on time with my father. I used to always be late and he would be raging. That then would resurrect all the anger between us.
There is a lot of angst to work through. And I think I am bad for having all of this angst. At least I am dealing with it. Some people say they have non and therefore it stays suppressed and eats away in different ways.
I have seen people that have worked through anger and they are very different from those that say they haven't any anger.
I want what those have that have truly worked through their angst. It's a natural human emotion. I have a lot to let go of from the past.
