You can change a great many things, Bliss.
Or you can change.
Same-same,
The Universe
I am changing - everything is always changing.
I cannot change anything - all I can do is change myself. I can change by telling people how I feel about thier behaviours or their attitude etc.
I thought tonight I was gettign a telling off from my friend but actually I have realised she was struggling with me having feelings. I was getting irritated at first but as I realised that it was her difficulty with my feelings I could let go and listen.
I had left work and collected LouLou - realising very quickly AB was drunk. My problem is that I am high. Having finally been diagnosed bi-polar I am truly aware.
Dr L diagnosed this years ago. But I never followed it up. I have always known really. It's the way I am the polar opppsite of myself - ha ha excuse the pun. There's the apparent addictive tendency of always thinking the grass is greener on the other side even when that's where I have just come from. Then there is the wanting one thing but also wanting the exact opposite at other times. I describe this as absolutely adoring the city. Wanting to be there, in the lights, the buzz, the nightlife, the everything city -London, New York, Paris, any city. But then in another mood I only want the countryside. The fresh air, the quietness and slowness, the quaint, the space. My mum has always said I am like the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forhead. When she was god she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid.
That was and has been me. I have wnated to be so so good but then it's like a complete turn in my head and I have wanted to be partying and the wild child. I have caused chaos. I have always thought that the alcohol was the least of my problems and that I didn't need alcohol actually for the wild times to begin. I needed the alcohol to get over the shame of what I thought I might have done the night before.
I called my friend (actually she called me) After leaving AB's I went to Tesco. I could feel the hig. I was walking around feeling grandiose. As if I was fantastic. My friend suggested better than everyone else but no not that but just as if I was fantastic. She asked what was wrong with that and there was nothing tonight as I am taking notice of every little signal in me. But on past occasions that would cause me to strutt around as if I was fantastic and I would overspend and look at men trying to attract their attention. Thinking too that they are all looking at me anyway. This I know is thinking and behaviour associated with bi-polar. Yet I have thought all the time I am just bad. I struggled shopping not knowing what to buy. I couldn't get out quick enough and I was already aware that I would not prepare any of the food I had bought. I am not hungry! Never am at the moment. I am flipping high. It's exhausting too.
I got in the car and was so relieved to have got there safely. I wanted to tell my dad and for him to just hold me and say it's OK but I know that's not ever ever going to happen. I feel so scared. I fell like it's too much to manage. I refuse outright to take the medication. The psychiatrist wants me to start taking Pregabalin. I refuse. I know it detaches people slightly. it's not like an antidepressant. I will NOT!!! I need the psychiatrist to support me in this. I do not want to be the zombie it makes people into. And this is the vastly improved medication - FUCK!
Stephe Fry is managing without it. I want to make contact with him and talk about this. But then AB said this was just my on a high and being grandiose. Is it? Is it really? Or is it wanting to speak with someone who knows and understands. I'm getting his documetary. And I would like to read his book too. I would like to talk to him about his experiences and I know he has done a lot of investigation. I want the psychiatrist to support me.
I felt the high when I was talking to the occ health nurse today. I could hear how I was talkng 10 to the dozen. My mum used tonotice that too and would tell me to stop being so excitable. I can see this has been tehre for so long. The psychiatrist talked about trauma induced bi-polar and the re-traumatising that has occurred recently .... along with the magnification through hormonal (bullshit nonsense terrible invention ha ha) changes!!!!
I realised that yesterday I was high - at the meeting. I was having inappropriate thoughts. The same sort of grandiosity and was thinking I would try and make myself appealing. I was immedately aware of myself and stopped the thinking. Funny thing is the man I was thinking about being appealing too came running me as I said bye and walked out of the door. I stood there talking about stuff. I didn't act out and felt very uncomfortable. I was also aware that I had been speaking with my friend prior to the meeting who was talking about her new relationship. I am very, very excited for her as she is very happy and enthusiastic. At the same time I was a little jealous even though right now I do not want a relationship. I am scared as I want to be loved. I have so much love to give. Now I think anyone will think I am completely crazy and never take me seriously if they think I am bi-polar. I have seen how people disregard someone who is bi-polar. Toss aside the ideas because they are in a haze of madness. Not so. There is an energy.
I have ideas - so many ideas. And what I want to do is channel my energy into those ideas.
Oh some of these are hilarious - some of my friends get quite frustrated with my typos whereas I find them really funny.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
I am tired now.
Exhausted actually. I have tomorrow to phone my psych as a priority. I need him on board about the meds.
I am glad to be so acutely aware. When I got in the care I realised how damned difficult this is all going to be. I need some support. I suddenly thought it would be so wonderful to have someone along who truly loved me and wanted to support me. But I have friends who will be there truly be there. And for that I am grateful.
So goodnight.
Bliss
XX
Or you can change.
Same-same,
The Universe
I am changing - everything is always changing.
I cannot change anything - all I can do is change myself. I can change by telling people how I feel about thier behaviours or their attitude etc.
I thought tonight I was gettign a telling off from my friend but actually I have realised she was struggling with me having feelings. I was getting irritated at first but as I realised that it was her difficulty with my feelings I could let go and listen.
I had left work and collected LouLou - realising very quickly AB was drunk. My problem is that I am high. Having finally been diagnosed bi-polar I am truly aware.
Dr L diagnosed this years ago. But I never followed it up. I have always known really. It's the way I am the polar opppsite of myself - ha ha excuse the pun. There's the apparent addictive tendency of always thinking the grass is greener on the other side even when that's where I have just come from. Then there is the wanting one thing but also wanting the exact opposite at other times. I describe this as absolutely adoring the city. Wanting to be there, in the lights, the buzz, the nightlife, the everything city -London, New York, Paris, any city. But then in another mood I only want the countryside. The fresh air, the quietness and slowness, the quaint, the space. My mum has always said I am like the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forhead. When she was god she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid.
That was and has been me. I have wnated to be so so good but then it's like a complete turn in my head and I have wanted to be partying and the wild child. I have caused chaos. I have always thought that the alcohol was the least of my problems and that I didn't need alcohol actually for the wild times to begin. I needed the alcohol to get over the shame of what I thought I might have done the night before.
I called my friend (actually she called me) After leaving AB's I went to Tesco. I could feel the hig. I was walking around feeling grandiose. As if I was fantastic. My friend suggested better than everyone else but no not that but just as if I was fantastic. She asked what was wrong with that and there was nothing tonight as I am taking notice of every little signal in me. But on past occasions that would cause me to strutt around as if I was fantastic and I would overspend and look at men trying to attract their attention. Thinking too that they are all looking at me anyway. This I know is thinking and behaviour associated with bi-polar. Yet I have thought all the time I am just bad. I struggled shopping not knowing what to buy. I couldn't get out quick enough and I was already aware that I would not prepare any of the food I had bought. I am not hungry! Never am at the moment. I am flipping high. It's exhausting too.
I got in the car and was so relieved to have got there safely. I wanted to tell my dad and for him to just hold me and say it's OK but I know that's not ever ever going to happen. I feel so scared. I fell like it's too much to manage. I refuse outright to take the medication. The psychiatrist wants me to start taking Pregabalin. I refuse. I know it detaches people slightly. it's not like an antidepressant. I will NOT!!! I need the psychiatrist to support me in this. I do not want to be the zombie it makes people into. And this is the vastly improved medication - FUCK!
Stephe Fry is managing without it. I want to make contact with him and talk about this. But then AB said this was just my on a high and being grandiose. Is it? Is it really? Or is it wanting to speak with someone who knows and understands. I'm getting his documetary. And I would like to read his book too. I would like to talk to him about his experiences and I know he has done a lot of investigation. I want the psychiatrist to support me.
I felt the high when I was talking to the occ health nurse today. I could hear how I was talkng 10 to the dozen. My mum used tonotice that too and would tell me to stop being so excitable. I can see this has been tehre for so long. The psychiatrist talked about trauma induced bi-polar and the re-traumatising that has occurred recently .... along with the magnification through hormonal (bullshit nonsense terrible invention ha ha) changes!!!!
I realised that yesterday I was high - at the meeting. I was having inappropriate thoughts. The same sort of grandiosity and was thinking I would try and make myself appealing. I was immedately aware of myself and stopped the thinking. Funny thing is the man I was thinking about being appealing too came running me as I said bye and walked out of the door. I stood there talking about stuff. I didn't act out and felt very uncomfortable. I was also aware that I had been speaking with my friend prior to the meeting who was talking about her new relationship. I am very, very excited for her as she is very happy and enthusiastic. At the same time I was a little jealous even though right now I do not want a relationship. I am scared as I want to be loved. I have so much love to give. Now I think anyone will think I am completely crazy and never take me seriously if they think I am bi-polar. I have seen how people disregard someone who is bi-polar. Toss aside the ideas because they are in a haze of madness. Not so. There is an energy.
I have ideas - so many ideas. And what I want to do is channel my energy into those ideas.
Oh some of these are hilarious - some of my friends get quite frustrated with my typos whereas I find them really funny.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
I am tired now.
Exhausted actually. I have tomorrow to phone my psych as a priority. I need him on board about the meds.
I am glad to be so acutely aware. When I got in the care I realised how damned difficult this is all going to be. I need some support. I suddenly thought it would be so wonderful to have someone along who truly loved me and wanted to support me. But I have friends who will be there truly be there. And for that I am grateful.
So goodnight.
Bliss
XX
