Spies sewn into the regimental breeches

A good film I thought. I just think John Le Carre writes a marvel of a story anyway. A told me how the party in the film, which was not in the book, evolved as an anecdote from Le Carre from his time in MI5 or was it MI6? What's the difference anyway????. A party, everyone got drunk and the evening ended with the police arriving when a window was broken. Ironic really.
Gary Oldman did a good job although as G said he was miscast as the character was supposed to be much older according to Le Carre's description. I though he had a certain command about him. I think the filming ensured the focus was entirely centred on the complicated and intriguing relationships and interactions - disloyalty, deceit, double-crossing.
There were shots of the Cities but these were secondary to the camera being on the people. I liked this approach. Great filming can be a beauty asset to a film but in this case it was never about places which really are incidental. It's about the people.
Directed by Tomas Alfredson
Director of Let the Right One In - yes good directing in my opinion not that I know anything at all about directing a film ha ha ha - but this one worked well for me.
One thin I noticed is that Big Ben was very clean but in the 70's London was very grungy dirty. In the shot it was in the distance, the actors were standing at a window with Big Ben in the background. Nice and sparkly clean.
I enjoyed it and it was great to be seeing it on the big screen.

I had a lovely lunch with P. He paid- We went to Jamie's which I thought was very gimmicky. All the serving gimmicks which are products that can be bought of course. Clever money spinner for sure. The food was alright, the service appalling and the noise levels ridiculous. I wonder if anyone here has ever heard of the things JH had mentioned - something stuck under chairs that I think he said absorb noise. Anyway for me it was a fast food style - it is really popular because Jamie is. I am probably very out of style or something but to me it's not a classic that will last. However he is surely making a packet!!

Then I walked over to the cinema. A missed call from A! I called back only to be asked what I thought about them not coming. I listened to the decision backwards forwards and then said I was disappointed at which point A said they were going to make it. I felt the codee cringe in me. I think the decision was taken by A because I had said I was disappointed. I ha to leave that choice with her but eeeek it was uncomfortable. I was disappointed as I had organised my time and plans specifically to ensure I kept to the agreed arrangements. And I was there! Anyway they did make it. A with her red irritated eye and G with her bad back. I wasn't a fabrication which I thought it might have been. It's all too easy to just back out. Which is one thing I am glad about not backing out from yesterday evening. I really didn't want to go and yet I really wanted to go. It was easy and pleasant and more than that I am glad to have made the effort for Kim - and I do that because I value.Similarly with H and H tomorrow, I am going because I value them and able to put aside my issues. Also with P - I organised my time to be able to meet him for lunch because I value him. It's odd really because there's not an awful lot to talk to him about outside of work. I wonder more about him, interests etc but we don't talk about those things and I don't think he's interested in that of me.
So A and G arrived much to my surprise. I am glad because I enjoyed being out at the cinema. I treated them as a thank you for looking after LouLou - which makes me feel better more than it probably does anything for them.

So a good day - friends and film.

Bliss
xx

Nagasaki bombo

She's visiting from SA for just a month. It felt so lovely to be sitting next to her ... there was a sense of home and calm about being with her. K is one of the wonderful people in life that I have met. Sincere, honest, thoughtful and agreeable. What a lovely gift of friendship. And to think I haven't seen her for two years. No on would have known that I am sure. And now we are meeting for a coffee on Wednesday too for a one to one catch up. I feel very honoured and privileged.
I did feel at ease with the person I am - I didn't like that I had been so certain that E worked in Godalming only to realise later that she didn't. I was wondering why - I think there is some financial security and envy that manifests. Let me be clearer about the scenario (I am a little cagey just in case any friends are beginning to discover the Blog and recognise themselves and me but that realisation in itself is learning as if there are any behaviours or thoughts I would not be happy to share then there is something going on - shame is a strong indicator that something isn't sitting comfortably - privacy and discretion is something else I think). Anyway let's get this out with clarity.
Recently M was saying that she had seen a job advertised for £30k - Godalming job. That scares me. I feel more comfortable when I think there are others like me - not so financially free and easy - I would feel left out perhaps if they were able to afford lots of things that I can't afford. I know I can't afford so much but when there are others like me then I feel OK with the situation. How weird is that. This is jealousy and insecurity. I think also that they would want to spend less time with me doing their other things with other people and I would feel even more alone in the world.
It's so selfish. I  don't like how this looks. Anyway When I said that I think E works there - I can't quite remember whether I said think or does I was trying to be encouraging with a under current of jealousy. I would actually be so happy and enthusiastic for M to be successful in just the way she desires and to be financially comfortable would be wonderful. It would not stop me feeling jealous or is it envious, I am never quite sure.
envy - a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
covetousness - wrongly desirous.
And envious is the emotional expression of that envy
I take that to mean wanting for oneself for example what someone else has.
jealous - feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of )
            - characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.

I think the jealousy is much more nasty actually but I am not sure that I get this the right way round as people often say envy is worse than jealousy. Yet jealousy is fuelled with resentment and in my opinion can involve for example the jealous person not wanting the other person to have either.

I do not feel like this overall but do get scared that if someone else has they won't be interested in me. I think with M I do feel insecure at times. And I think some of this is fuelled by realising that she can withdraw easily and doesn't trust. There may be some sort of counter transference there for me. It is not completely clear. But I like M very much indeed and would like her friendship eternally. When M talks about friendships though I get a sense that it's sort a forewarning not to expect friendship and I'm sure she has said that if I didn't keep in contact with her she wouldn't keep in contact with me. Or maybe that's what I have interpreted. Blimey interaction is complex at times.

Anyway the discomfort or embarrassment is that I didn't ever acknowledge with M when I thought about it later that E maybe didn't work there but did work for a wildlife charity. So when it was raised last night I cringed with that knowledge of myself. More work to o on ME.

Anyway this is a convoluted journey around me sort of tying in M with E and a well paid job. Whatever it is what I don;t like is that I made yet another statement as if I know when actually I thought but wasn't certain. I am practicing changing this because I don't know much at all - the more I do learn the more I realise I don't know.
And yet I know some things.

It was lovely seeing S as well - he is a funny fella. Full of energy and sharp in his thoughts. He has a direction which sounds so exxciting. Interestingly he is forging forward and towards a PhD with gentics and biology in some form that I didn't fully understand. It is really exciting. He triuly has a quikc and able mind - far from the young guy that I first met around 9 years ago or 8, I'm not sure. He has grown enormously just being himself. Quite self assured outwardly. I think beofer he was a lot self assured in his arrogance. Maybe he is truly is at ease with being him. I hope so.


I felt strange yesterday - not having anything t have to study and doing things without the guilt of "should be studying". It felt weird and thumb twiddling. What did I do?
Well this mroning I sorted out admin paperwork. I started learning how to use the OU online library. Well practicing according to their help pages. I don't think their help pages are very easy for me to udnerstand. It all seems coplicated to me and wonder if that's just me.
I watched the Gene Code - part 2. I have found the whole thing fascinating and interesting.
I watched White Ribbon last evening. A German film


It brought to mind The Salem Witchcraft trial of 1692 and which was the story of the film Crucible.
(How I love the internet to help me research this because my memory loses so much information like names for example).
I thought it was a very good film. Michael Haneke is the director. I wonder what his inspiration is for his films. The original version of Funny Games was so so sinister. I like his work though. There is a feel of sinister mystery and evil. It was told so well with the protaginst being a talk over story teller. I love the black and white feel taking me really to the times it was suposed to be portraying. That's an odd thing to say because life would have been in colour but filming at those times of course wasn't. When did cine come into existence - Internet!!!
Cristian Friedal is the school teacher who is recounting the events of this strange cillage community. He has done little and this is his second fil. I thought he played the part well. Unassumingly. It will be interesting to see what he does next.
And yes miving film was in the late 1800's early 1900's so the first world war would have been cpatured in black and white.

I am off to have lunch with P. I feel very honoured actually as I don't think P lets people easily into his private life. And his life has changed beyond all recognition in many many ways over the last 10 years. Significantly now with the death of his lovely mother. I know for me I was bereft and didn't know how to manage without my mum. I am certain there is a massive hole i his life right now. I wish for him to stand still and give himself time. I think P's standing still is to be on the move - change everything. I can relate to that. Run from the enormity of the emotions. I had SH to help me to stand still but looking bac I was all over the place.
Then this evening I am seeing Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy with A and G. I am looking forward to being at the big screen. It's a novelty these days.

Off now to late lunch
Bliss
XX