Orange Saturday Evening

So I've been to Uni. It was such an interesting lecture on problem solving. Could I study this afternoon? No!
G is due to visit and stay. But dog sitting for D he has been delayed. I can't say I'm that bothered really. It's more evidence that this isn't really for me. I still am not sure.
Watching Homeland I was attracted to one of the actors and the good looks seemed to be a trigger to wanting to contact LW. I didn't, haven't and don't really want to.
I've noticed for maybe a couple of years that when reaching for something with my left hand I don't always coordinate correctly. Also at times my left hand feels odd, not quite attached.
When I was young there were times when my hand would completely lose strength. It used to create a sensation in me that was totally frustrating, niggling.
The other night when I couldn't sleep there were a couple if occasions when there was a kind of electric energy in my head. It was as if there was a buzzzzzz in my head and a sensation of a sort of vibration with that. I haven't told anyone because it always turns out to be nothing / examinations of various diets brain scans and so on.
I don't think I'll live to old bones. I don't want to live to old bones!

What a beautiful sunny day. And an orange sunset.
Lovely.

Bliss xx

For a long marriage don't divorce!

The secret to a long marriage, according to Olivia Harrison wife of George Harrison, is not to divorce. This means working through things. For me this means standing up for myself, being decent, honest, respectful, honourable and being ME. I need to say to G that I'm really looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. And if he's free to stay over Sunday then I'd really like that. Monday I'm off work to study so would need Monday to actually study. And then in the afternoon I'm meeting Miranda for a walk and a cuppa. I just don't want him staying during the day and that night too.
It's hard to be firm about this. What's the light-hearted way to say that? I don't want to hurt him and yet need to take care of myself as well.

I'm sitting here, sunny afternoon, and there's the sound of a lawn mower. I have always LOATHED that sound. And I've just pieced it together. The feel I get from it is the similar balmy feel to the weather, me indoors, upstairs alone and something has happened. In the meantime my dad has just got on with "normal" things as if nothing has happened at all. Noone knows how lonely I am and doesn't seem to care. Am I making this up? Or is it real. The LOATHING is very strong and the feel on loneliness and isolation is too. I want to believe it but can never be sure of myself. Perhaps I'm a pathological liar as I think my dad was. Am I?

God show me please.
Actually I don;t feel dramatic or traumatised by this connection, real or not. In the past it would have been a dramatic reaction; panic attacks, tears, frozen and needy. Not today. It's just a sort of "oh is that what is is?"
Yet again I'm not reading. I need to read just the discussion bits - a walk with Loobs and then an hour of reading. An hour walk takes me to 16:00 and hour reading to 17:00. And G reckons he'll be arriving early evening.
I am not sure he's visiting to be with me or to avoid being at "the pit" or more widely known as his flat. I want to say that I'm looking forward to his visit and stay tonight. I'd prefer it if her went home tomorrow whilst I'm out in London and then if he'd like to come and stay again Sunday evening then that would be nice. BUT he will need to leave Monday am as I want to start studying in earnest. I an no longer mess around as I'm getting so far behind.
How on earth do I say that so that I'm taking him into consideration as well. You see I'm assuming that he'll do what he's done in the past and stay tonight expecting to stay tomorrow.
However I texted already asking him what he'd like to do. Bugger. I was easy going about these things but realise he takes it beyond my easy going point and I haven't said anything. So clawing back the boundaries is very difficult. However, I want to do it for myself.
Right a walk up the hill.

Oh did I mention that I got the courage to speak to my sponsor about not being comfortable with weight increase and wanting to take some food out. She removed 1oz of oats with my breakfast. She asked how I felt about it and I felt happy. She is considering the anorexic in me which I am grateful about. This happened a few days ago. I said I'd also like to reduce the oil at some time. If I could maintain 120 lbs I'd be at my optimum happiness with my size and weight. She thinks it's too low. I don't want to be less but I am not feeling size-wise comfy at 125 +.

Right the walk

Bliss
XX