Surprise reflections
Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun.
But you have to admit, Bliss, with hindsight, moving forward was actually easy.
Something worth remembering,
The Universe
Well there have been some realisations for me today. Yes surprises. Mmm some not so fun when I see myself. But definitely worth remembering as I can move mountains when I acknowledge surrender accept and choose to be different.
Thanks Universe for the power of insight and reflection. Yes thank you.
Well my first self observation has been that knowing my Master and love is busy doing other things evokes something in me. As this was earlier in the day and lots of things have happened at work and more revelations as well, I have not got a grip on what is evokes.
I think it was feeling a separation. He is busy doing things and things he seems to be really enjoying. I am not jealous. This in itself is progress for me. I am not insecure. I am delighted that I do put real trust in my Master and my love. It's something to do with the fact that he is so fully ensconced with what he is doing - rightly so - and he is less able to be in contact with me. Perhaps I am not priority. Yet I do not expect to be his priority when he is with his children for example. Gosh this seems complex.
Then when I do receive a text or contact I am over the moon and feel very privileged - this is the reality. My Master, my love does make the time when he can and how wonderful that feels. I feel so grateful.
I am not sure of how accurate I am in my understandings after observing this. And of course not being in the feeling now it is not so easy to fully explore.
And then a big bit awareness. Having finished work I suddenly really felt in need of my Master's love for me.
Well I picked away at this as I was driving along and realised that I was feeling guilty for the IM contact I had had with my first Master Senor DD.
During this contact Senor DD asked me what I wanted if there was contact between us. I said this was a good question and I didn’t know. He became quite angry with me. He was angry he said that he had released me and not taken the offer of selling me. He said that it was disgusting that there was nothing for him after releasing me. That neither I nor my new Master made any contact or he was permitted a reciprocal arrangement having loaned me in the first place.
I was apologetic that he felt so angry but did not know what to say in regards to what he was angry about. Then I said that I needed to go and he said he was really furious now because I did not even give him the courtesy to request permission to leave and he said goodbye. Again I did not know what to say so simply left.
I have felt guilty or even disloyal to my Master and more importantly my love. I was wondering why I was feeling so guilty. And I realised that I was and have had a fondness for Senor DD from the start and he was also my first master. And so by entering into any conversation felt uncomfortable. Now what I realise is that I am a novice at moving from a sort of close friendly interrelationship to one that is now enormously altered because I am in love and love someone else. I have informed Senor DD honestly that I love my Master both in SL and RL and that a loving relationship has been born out of being his slave. So when Senor DD asked what I might want with regards to contact I really didn’t know the answer. I would hope that he would be acceptant of my love and that it might be possible to be friendly and him respect my Master and my love as my priority. I am not sure if that is possible for him as I never expressed this. But what I realise is that as a slave I am still expected to follow slave etiquette with other Masters an ask permission. But I would not follow any demands on me that would encroach on my relationship with my love. For example I would not be able to accept any requirements that would involved any intimacy or sex etc. That is only for my love who also happens to be my Master.
I think there are some life lessons here and all is not clear right now. I realise that if Senor DD is not willing to be happy for my situation now then I would have to withdraw from contact (which already may be the case anyway because I offended him by not acting as a slave i.e. asking permission).
This is all still slightly confusing – I do not have clarity exactly about what is going on. But I am glad that I have identified why I am feeling guilty in connection with My Master and more importantly my love. On assessing it though I feel great because I am monogamous and have nothing to hide from my Master and my love. I am true to him and I like being decent and dignified in this way. Just the way in which I was communicating with Senor DD was possibly not clear. I am not actually sure whether I would bother reporting this growing awareness to Senor DD – it is a pity in a way because I have enjoyed the learning.
And then I was able to ask my Master and my love to make contact with me because I wanted some sort of reassurance. I didn’t need to be needy. I didn’t fall into insecurity and jealousy. I retained my self-esteem and dignity and asked for a text. I feel marvellous that I have not withered in a pit of black esteem. Because I have identified the process I have been in.
I hope if My Master and love gets to know about this it will be clear to him. Because this has been a real awakening for me and a reinforcement of my commitment to him. My love just grows. I love being owned by him and I enjoy my personal growth.
This then leads onto my Master and love’s fondness for a woman. He has said that he wants to inform her of his altered status, i.e. a girlfriend. I believe he has been reluctant t do this. I can understand the reluctance based on the fact that by telling male friends I am concerned that they will no longer actually wish to continue being friendly. How I am interpreting this though is that he does not want to lose the possibility of a more “fertile” relationship sometime. I know this is my own thinking and not based on any truth. And then from my own experience there are people that do disappear even though there was no romantic involvement, perhaps the “fun” was based on certain availability and the intrigue – an interest with an agenda. So converting this kind of interaction into a supportive friendship especially when the interaction was pretty fragile in the first instance – gosh it hurts that he was fond of her and wants to nurture that fondness. Why does it hurt? I am not clear about this yet.
I think it is to do with the fact that it is an untested relationship and perhaps he will some time want to find out if they could be good together. This despite my Master and my love committing to me. What if there is some time when we are having a difficulty and rather than commit to working through it turns to her. He was also involved in her vulnerability. Know plenty of men who get a sense of self through being saviours. They are usually love addicts in some way and are not then conscious of their powerlessness. Choices are made all too easily without a consciousness. However, my Master and my love seems to be very self aware and makes clean choices. Again I put trust in my Master and my love. I have no reason not to. If there is any reason it would present itself at some time. I would at that time have to be strong to be boundaried and self protect. Until then trust and enjoy.
I am sure my difficulty with this will become clear. I just hope that he will choose to clear things up sooner rather than later as all the time he chooses not to I wonder why? Is he keeping her in reserve? Why is he so afraid of losing her? But then I could see that in me – I didn’t want to lose the very loose relationship with Senor DD or JK or Cepit etc. And of course with less and less contact the friendship dwindles. And the truth is revealed. True friends are there and supportive and don’t want to come between me and my love and my Master.
I am not sure any of this is clear. But I am getting some light on myself.
Please Universe help me to continue to learn and grow. Please help me to be a good slave and lover. Please help me to nurture myself so that my worth and self esteem are strong. Please look after my love and my Master. The priority is with my love.
Would appreciate any thoughts of enlightenment
