Where are the humbles you ask? Within me. Deeply buried sometimes but making more appearances as become more aware. One of the greatest tools to life I have been told, the knowledge of self. In which case I am ever prepared to learn more.
So with humility, I become more honest. It is necessary for me to be precisely honest about my food. I hadn't written my fod plan last night and read it out this morning as if I had. Hence when I was questioned on something I wondered if I was being tested. Anyway I wrote down the food as I had said but it's not the point. What stopped me from being entirely honest? Fear? Fear of what? Fear of being told off and put back to day 1. I will tell my sponsor tomorrow this process. However, I realised that one food I had read out wasn't going to be possible and so I called back to change it. I could have told her then but I hadn't processed enough beneath the surface. It is imperative that I am absolutely precise about my food plan and do not alter it. I have switched things around a couple of times in the past without telling my sponsor. She mentioned this mrning if thigns change about and I can't get hold of her then I can call someone else with long-term abstinence and tell them. It's precises weight and measurements. For example if I am not sure about the size of a piece of fruit, I can weigh it and make sure it's not more that 6oz. If it's small plums or kiwis, then I can have two to get closer to 6 oz.
Anyway I knew I needed to speak to someone and so was going to speak to L but she is frantic. And then T appeared online on Skype so I said a hi. I was trying once again to find the Australian lady H on Skype. I am rarely on Skype so it was nice to send her a message online. Then she phoned. So we had a nice chat during which I told her how "nuts" I am and thank God for Step 2.
This lead me onto to sepak about how crucial it is to me not to be associated with religion and so I do have trouble using the word God publicly. When I read the word or my sponsor says turn to God, I cringe slightly. There is this strong need for me to known as being independenat of the God religious folk seem to depend on. I really don't like feeling dependant and think this is linked with the side of me that's so so needy. I find it unattractive in me. And so to depend on God - grrrr. Yup there is definitaly something strong in me about that. In a similar way I hate the fact that others see that dependance in me. When M talks about always being at the B's or mentions something about me and meetings but in contrast how she is isolated and choosing not to engage - well that highlights my dependance. Crazy thinking. I do not want to belong in case people associate me with a gang. I want to be free and wild. And that's how I want people to preceive me.
I have to smile at myself. Listening to my potty thinking. Don't you just love that word potty?
Mind you my crazy thinking this year is a whole heap better than this time last year. I was off the wall. So progress is being made.
Then again I think anyone reading this will box me - how I hate to be boxed. Labelled and boxed and so people make judgements on that. Oh she's crazy so avoid her. Feels me with something I can't even give a name to.
I love love love Dr G's remarks about any lable being a hypothesis that is ever changing. Nothing stays the same, so when someone is labelled crazy, then yes there is surely some substance in that but crazy shifts and alters. Everyone is a little of everything I am sure, we all just hit different stages along the continuum.
I write this for the judgemental amongst you - be careful of boxing people - look at why you need to. I think underneath is fear. Fear of the unknown because you yourself wouldn't know how to be or what will happen.
So here I am having made some decisions about today and this evening that really sit well. And I feel good because I don;t need anyone else to accomplish these things.
I will do some of my case study for about 45 mins. Then I will get ready for lunch and going out this afternoon. I will stop by the shops to stock up with my foods for the week ahead and then go on to see if Sister N is available for a short visit. Then I will drive onto to see if C&S are in and hopefully J is there too. Then I will come home for my supper before I go to the local AA meeting. Finally I will return home to watch a film and bed early.
Happy New Year!
It feels great to be so free from neediness.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding.
Yes indeed thank goodness that I can turn to my HP to help restore the sanity. My mum always used to say I was such an optimistic. I have no idea when that changed. But when I stop to listen to the chattering in my head and arguing I realise I am quite potty. And realising it (i.e. admitting and accepting it and looking at the chaos that my thinking can create), I can turn to my HP and ask for help. I did that this morning. I spoke with T and got identification, I talked about the insanity with my sponsor and was reminded of Step 2. None of it is mind blowing epiphany. Instead is simple awareness. And the decision making was as a result of talking and thinking differently. There was no divide beetween 2 and 3 working there nor 1 actually. They all combined and worked powerfully together.
God bless the steps and God thank you for leading me to them.
Not a religious God you understand
Oh and Happy New Year to you too
Bliss
XX
So with humility, I become more honest. It is necessary for me to be precisely honest about my food. I hadn't written my fod plan last night and read it out this morning as if I had. Hence when I was questioned on something I wondered if I was being tested. Anyway I wrote down the food as I had said but it's not the point. What stopped me from being entirely honest? Fear? Fear of what? Fear of being told off and put back to day 1. I will tell my sponsor tomorrow this process. However, I realised that one food I had read out wasn't going to be possible and so I called back to change it. I could have told her then but I hadn't processed enough beneath the surface. It is imperative that I am absolutely precise about my food plan and do not alter it. I have switched things around a couple of times in the past without telling my sponsor. She mentioned this mrning if thigns change about and I can't get hold of her then I can call someone else with long-term abstinence and tell them. It's precises weight and measurements. For example if I am not sure about the size of a piece of fruit, I can weigh it and make sure it's not more that 6oz. If it's small plums or kiwis, then I can have two to get closer to 6 oz.
Anyway I knew I needed to speak to someone and so was going to speak to L but she is frantic. And then T appeared online on Skype so I said a hi. I was trying once again to find the Australian lady H on Skype. I am rarely on Skype so it was nice to send her a message online. Then she phoned. So we had a nice chat during which I told her how "nuts" I am and thank God for Step 2.
This lead me onto to sepak about how crucial it is to me not to be associated with religion and so I do have trouble using the word God publicly. When I read the word or my sponsor says turn to God, I cringe slightly. There is this strong need for me to known as being independenat of the God religious folk seem to depend on. I really don't like feeling dependant and think this is linked with the side of me that's so so needy. I find it unattractive in me. And so to depend on God - grrrr. Yup there is definitaly something strong in me about that. In a similar way I hate the fact that others see that dependance in me. When M talks about always being at the B's or mentions something about me and meetings but in contrast how she is isolated and choosing not to engage - well that highlights my dependance. Crazy thinking. I do not want to belong in case people associate me with a gang. I want to be free and wild. And that's how I want people to preceive me.
I have to smile at myself. Listening to my potty thinking. Don't you just love that word potty?
Mind you my crazy thinking this year is a whole heap better than this time last year. I was off the wall. So progress is being made.
Then again I think anyone reading this will box me - how I hate to be boxed. Labelled and boxed and so people make judgements on that. Oh she's crazy so avoid her. Feels me with something I can't even give a name to.
I love love love Dr G's remarks about any lable being a hypothesis that is ever changing. Nothing stays the same, so when someone is labelled crazy, then yes there is surely some substance in that but crazy shifts and alters. Everyone is a little of everything I am sure, we all just hit different stages along the continuum.
I write this for the judgemental amongst you - be careful of boxing people - look at why you need to. I think underneath is fear. Fear of the unknown because you yourself wouldn't know how to be or what will happen.
So here I am having made some decisions about today and this evening that really sit well. And I feel good because I don;t need anyone else to accomplish these things.
I will do some of my case study for about 45 mins. Then I will get ready for lunch and going out this afternoon. I will stop by the shops to stock up with my foods for the week ahead and then go on to see if Sister N is available for a short visit. Then I will drive onto to see if C&S are in and hopefully J is there too. Then I will come home for my supper before I go to the local AA meeting. Finally I will return home to watch a film and bed early.
Happy New Year!
It feels great to be so free from neediness.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding.
Yes indeed thank goodness that I can turn to my HP to help restore the sanity. My mum always used to say I was such an optimistic. I have no idea when that changed. But when I stop to listen to the chattering in my head and arguing I realise I am quite potty. And realising it (i.e. admitting and accepting it and looking at the chaos that my thinking can create), I can turn to my HP and ask for help. I did that this morning. I spoke with T and got identification, I talked about the insanity with my sponsor and was reminded of Step 2. None of it is mind blowing epiphany. Instead is simple awareness. And the decision making was as a result of talking and thinking differently. There was no divide beetween 2 and 3 working there nor 1 actually. They all combined and worked powerfully together.
God bless the steps and God thank you for leading me to them.
Not a religious God you understand
Oh and Happy New Year to you too
Bliss
XX
