"Hello Universe
Following a conversation today I regret that I didn;t ever say to MH that I thought he as a nice man - grumpy about a lot of things yes and I had never been on the end of what others described as his violence.
I wished I had said to him that I found him kind and thoughtful and very tolerant of his family.
I thought he put up with a lot and I felt sad for him that there was so much venom towards him
I never witnessed the person they said he was.
Can you somehow let him know Universe or create the opportunity for me to tell him that directly.
Thanks"
I had a conversation with E today. She met with P and there was converation about S (my ex partner) sorry if you are confused by she said he said he said stuff. Anyway I know what I mean.
I felt such a huge sense of vindication. I probably shouldn't feel that if I was all-so-ever-so spiritual BUT it was music to my ears yet I was also sad.
P said S is very "sick" (codependent) with his girlfriend. I did feel sad about this as I had been really hoping that he was happy and less riddled with anger. P said that S's girlfriend had previously "tried it on" as they say with many of the guys but S was the one who got hung up with her and her 4 children. P said that S is very much in her control. It's horrid to ehar but also a relief. P had also said that S was not taking any ownership of the problems that escalated between him and I. E was great and said that she had nothing but respect for me the way I have put so much effort into the grieving etc after S. Of course I was angry and wanted to shame him to everyone. I said some things but I have also been able to see my part.
P was also telling E about S and his father MH (who I am writing to the Universe about) making P and the secretary of the business redundand because they were secretly selling the business - S as usual thinking he would make a small fortune. Instead they were offered not even 6% of that - wow I just worked that out on a calculator and I don't know how. I am dyscalculic according tot he fornal assessment and I did that with a kind of automated guesswork. Weird. There is a part of me that is going he he he he snigger snigger snigger. But there is also a part of me that is really sorry for MH. He had built that business to tick over very nicely. Then S came along and treated him like an idiot and just wanted to get rid of the business. S was no business man and whilst I was with him made some real silly decision I thought. Including with our house which he now has a negative equity on and a whole load of problems.
Gosh I hope noone I know ever reads this - they will see the bit of me that is wicked and they will know who I am talking about and it will reveal who talks about who and how. Ugh. That's dangerous isn't it. But it bloody well does go on.
E also told P that I had been hurt as there were a number f people that had been funny with me since S and spilt up. P was surprised and it was nice to hear that he likes me. He had also said to E that his relationship with S had been difficult for some time. And now S is being funny with P yet it was S that made him redundant and wasn't even up front beforehand. It seems to me that there was some nasty stuff going on. I knwo that really S would like to be doing nothing with a whole load of mponey. Wouldn't we all and I think he was always looking for a qucik way to make a lot of dosh.
I am feelinf really like a nasty person gloating and scared of vindication from the Universe for thinkig this way. There is a part of me that thinks I am evil and another part of me that thinks this is a natural thing. I am aware that S thinks I am entirely to blame. I have seen him scowl at me if I have ever by chance driven by. I wave to him and smile he scowls back. He sees it all as my fault. I can see my part I am not in any denial of that and so all this I hear is a bit of relief that others can see it not all my fault.
Phew
Slow slow slow progress with studies. Embarrassed at how little time I can hold concentration with it. WhY? What's going on? I am finding it difficult but I have foind it all difficult all the way through. I am realising that doing a degree teaches very useful skills that don't get taught at lower levels of education - well not to me anyway. And they are really useful skills. I like the learning. Scared I can't hold onto and build upon it as I have such a weak memory.
Recent learning is the way to lable detials and gradually put them inot higher level themes. I have always tried to create the themes and put all the detail into the themes without first working out what there is to be themed - if that makes sense. But I am struggling to decide what detail I have and how to code it at a higher level so that it makes sense. And of course allowing the freedom that some of the detail goes across several themes. Get it?
Right. I wanted to write down somewhere the thoughts following this conversation today and also record for myself the letter to the Universe.
Oh heard from CY on Fru. I used to have a crush on him at school. Got reallys cared by the speed and regularity of the emails in response to mine. I'm the addict and it's scary when someone else acts like me back. Furthermore his attachement with the military scared me as he might have the same "sickness" as my dad and Graham Whelan - mention his name as I believe him to be truly dangerous and don't care who knows. Anyway they both claimes to have military backgrounds and were very scary people. I am sure CY isn;t like them but I was amazed at the past experiences and attachment that was aroused.
Right study study study.
Byeeeeeee
Following a conversation today I regret that I didn;t ever say to MH that I thought he as a nice man - grumpy about a lot of things yes and I had never been on the end of what others described as his violence.
I wished I had said to him that I found him kind and thoughtful and very tolerant of his family.
I thought he put up with a lot and I felt sad for him that there was so much venom towards him
I never witnessed the person they said he was.
Can you somehow let him know Universe or create the opportunity for me to tell him that directly.
Thanks"
I had a conversation with E today. She met with P and there was converation about S (my ex partner) sorry if you are confused by she said he said he said stuff. Anyway I know what I mean.
I felt such a huge sense of vindication. I probably shouldn't feel that if I was all-so-ever-so spiritual BUT it was music to my ears yet I was also sad.
P said S is very "sick" (codependent) with his girlfriend. I did feel sad about this as I had been really hoping that he was happy and less riddled with anger. P said that S's girlfriend had previously "tried it on" as they say with many of the guys but S was the one who got hung up with her and her 4 children. P said that S is very much in her control. It's horrid to ehar but also a relief. P had also said that S was not taking any ownership of the problems that escalated between him and I. E was great and said that she had nothing but respect for me the way I have put so much effort into the grieving etc after S. Of course I was angry and wanted to shame him to everyone. I said some things but I have also been able to see my part.
P was also telling E about S and his father MH (who I am writing to the Universe about) making P and the secretary of the business redundand because they were secretly selling the business - S as usual thinking he would make a small fortune. Instead they were offered not even 6% of that - wow I just worked that out on a calculator and I don't know how. I am dyscalculic according tot he fornal assessment and I did that with a kind of automated guesswork. Weird. There is a part of me that is going he he he he snigger snigger snigger. But there is also a part of me that is really sorry for MH. He had built that business to tick over very nicely. Then S came along and treated him like an idiot and just wanted to get rid of the business. S was no business man and whilst I was with him made some real silly decision I thought. Including with our house which he now has a negative equity on and a whole load of problems.
Gosh I hope noone I know ever reads this - they will see the bit of me that is wicked and they will know who I am talking about and it will reveal who talks about who and how. Ugh. That's dangerous isn't it. But it bloody well does go on.
E also told P that I had been hurt as there were a number f people that had been funny with me since S and spilt up. P was surprised and it was nice to hear that he likes me. He had also said to E that his relationship with S had been difficult for some time. And now S is being funny with P yet it was S that made him redundant and wasn't even up front beforehand. It seems to me that there was some nasty stuff going on. I knwo that really S would like to be doing nothing with a whole load of mponey. Wouldn't we all and I think he was always looking for a qucik way to make a lot of dosh.
I am feelinf really like a nasty person gloating and scared of vindication from the Universe for thinkig this way. There is a part of me that thinks I am evil and another part of me that thinks this is a natural thing. I am aware that S thinks I am entirely to blame. I have seen him scowl at me if I have ever by chance driven by. I wave to him and smile he scowls back. He sees it all as my fault. I can see my part I am not in any denial of that and so all this I hear is a bit of relief that others can see it not all my fault.
Phew
Slow slow slow progress with studies. Embarrassed at how little time I can hold concentration with it. WhY? What's going on? I am finding it difficult but I have foind it all difficult all the way through. I am realising that doing a degree teaches very useful skills that don't get taught at lower levels of education - well not to me anyway. And they are really useful skills. I like the learning. Scared I can't hold onto and build upon it as I have such a weak memory.
Recent learning is the way to lable detials and gradually put them inot higher level themes. I have always tried to create the themes and put all the detail into the themes without first working out what there is to be themed - if that makes sense. But I am struggling to decide what detail I have and how to code it at a higher level so that it makes sense. And of course allowing the freedom that some of the detail goes across several themes. Get it?
Right. I wanted to write down somewhere the thoughts following this conversation today and also record for myself the letter to the Universe.
Oh heard from CY on Fru. I used to have a crush on him at school. Got reallys cared by the speed and regularity of the emails in response to mine. I'm the addict and it's scary when someone else acts like me back. Furthermore his attachement with the military scared me as he might have the same "sickness" as my dad and Graham Whelan - mention his name as I believe him to be truly dangerous and don't care who knows. Anyway they both claimes to have military backgrounds and were very scary people. I am sure CY isn;t like them but I was amazed at the past experiences and attachment that was aroused.
Right study study study.
Byeeeeeee
