Ockham's Razor

the law of parsimony or the practice of extreme frugality or economy. The word extreme hits me. This suggests perhaps over simplifying.
How fabulous to be learning something so completely random and utterly new. How I love to learn. It may be common knowledge to many but I had never heard of Ockham's Razor before.
Who was Ockham? Apparently he was a 14th century friar, William. He was a theolgian and logician, or in other words came from a position of logic. Allegedly his words were  "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity" and in my words it would be to keep things simple. Funny enough reading about Ockham's law, the explanations can be quite complicated. Ironic really.
As cited on Wikipedia, To quote Isaac Newton, "We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances. Therefore, to the same natural effects we must, so far as possible, assign the same causes."
My tutor suggested that Ockham's Razor can be useful when experimenting on complex cognitive processes and in trying to isolate one element of these complex processes, such as attention. This has arisen when I was saying that the experiments I have read about seem to ignore the fact that attention cannot be singled-out or seperated from perception and memory and so on. And yet they are attempting to explain attention singularly and evidencing applying Ockham's Razor.
Bliss
XX

Dashed hopes in a letter

Morning M
It was lovely walking and talking yesterday. And I was pondering over the conversation about academia.

It reminded me of how many times I've been disappointed. I was disappointed when joining British Airways. I thought I was joining this massive and perfect organisation. How naive I was and felt through my naivety little and inexperienced of the world. It was full of people making mistakes and being human and I expected everyone to be super humans. On reflection it was the beginning of thinking well if I can get in of course it won't be a "super" organisation. And yet I maintained that just around the corner was a department that truly was the "super-set", beyond reproach. I moved from department to department and couldn't find them. All the time I think this was contributing to the feeling that I wasn't ever going to be good enough for the best.
The same happened within H R too. And even worse I kept getting promoted because they seemed to think I was very good at something but by this time my self esteem was being eroded rapidly by me - my actions and my decisions. I could digress with the sadness I feel and the anger, although somewhat diminishing, about the younger influences that meant I wasn't too well equipped with esteem to choose differently and develop. Anyway so as not to wonder too far off the topic of my disappointment, I have felt this way about many situations from getting a job working in the local shop on Saturdays to working in Biggs the jewellers on Saturdays, to teaching institutions, the P and so on. I have had this ideal, this fantasy that all of these institutions are the authority and perfect in every way. It's very childlike I suppose.
Not dissimilar from my expectations of people, such as my parents and how far short of what I thought they were from my childlike hope and perspective or authority figures or experts in their fields and so on. It is in someways like growing up from behind pink-tinted glasses and discovering that nothing is perfect or what i thought it to be and I feel so let down. I cannot aspire through these organisations or individuals anymore and this is linked with a lack of my own worth and wanting improvement from others abilities. Although actually there is a value from this. I like to learn and others can teach me and if only I could see that every eperience is a positive experience even when it seems negative. I think too I feel stupid not to have seen it before, ticking myself for having been so naive "I can't even trust myself". I think there's something in what A was saying about the difficulties of being vulnerable and how societal changes discourage vulnerability. I tell myself off for having been hopeful an by so doing I chip further away at self-esteem and trust. Actually I think there is something rather lovely about the naive hope but finding a way to contain my disappointment is pretty crucial. I would like to be able to make myself vulnerable to things being just as they are and go through the experience of discovery without expectation.
I set people, places and things up on pedestals and when I'm let down I feel angry with them. Worse still I become despondent about them and then life itself.
I have times when I don't feel like this too, when I can see the positive in the efforts to do their best. Sometimes it's disappointing to see the flaws but when I rationalise it I realise that there are always flaws. And I can concentrate my attention so much on these that I cannot see beyond them to the things that are good too.
All these thoughts have arisen this morning when just contemplating my day yesterday and how much I enjoyed it all. And then considering the topics we spoke about all the above thoughts came to me too and I just wanted to share them with someone.
Every morning I take a half hour of quiet time (thanks to FA).l And in that quiet time, when I can sit still, I deliberate over so many things and get little sparks of awareness. Unfortunately I have not mastered sitting and thinking each time I set out to do it. It is improving though and I truly value the time when I do manage it. If I can't manage half an hour in the morning then I am asked to make time at another point in the day. Actually now there are times when I voluntarily take time out to just sit quietly. Anyway that is neither here nor there.  The point is that this morning I got some thoughts about myself as a result of the issues you are facing, so thank you for talking openly about these things. And for reading just a few of my thoughts that have surfaced as a result.

Now I need to study. Enough self-reflection! I guess this is the learning of balance that I'm so not well practised at. Now that is another process that I could also meander around.

I hope you have a good Sunday, despite having to work at something you are not getting a lot from.
I feel very rested after yesterday. And want to get focused on the subject of psychology as an observer now. It's fascinating to me, a subject I never seem to tire of. All the research into what it is to be human. I must admit that the more psychoanalytical such as Freud, and the people spinning off from him such as Klein, Winnicott and others are less convincing but in the practise of therapy there is often some validity. But it's very easy to fit people into the theories rather than the other way around. That area has always been the one in psychology that I have the most difficulty with, yet it sort of fits too so cannot be ignored. Will you study any other areas of psychology?
Another thought I have had is on the matter of the variety of experiences and how dissatisfied I can feel without access to diversity. Is this something that is a part of the mental state of me? A need for more and different all the time. Stimulation is like an essential part of life to me and when I feel stagnant I can become disheartened with everything. With stagnation comes a sense of loss too which seems to magnify the need for something, somewhere other than where I am. Or is it avoidance perhaps? I'm not sure.

Hmmmm lots of reflection. Now I really am off to study otherwise you'll get the streaming mind that I live with all the time.

Thank goodness you can choose not to read .........

The Universe and forever

How can we truly know who we are ....

.... in a world that rewards conformists?
I don't know whose quote that is but it resonates. And then I will try to rebel just to have a voice. Yet the best way is to be neither rebel not conformist as they are really the same thing. So says Paul Vixie and goes on to say "find your own path and stay on it".
I think the anger I've felt this last week has been fuelled somewhat by trying to find my own path and staying on it yet having to adjust to others paths too.
The new team leader is a real challenge for me. I don;t feel safe. There is a viciousness that lashes out from time to time and a sincere lack of taking any responsibility for her actions. Furthermore, she is easily distracted. We were talking about a breech of contract and taking action as a consequence. Her case was based on what the client needs to work on and way off mark of the subject of the action to be taken for the breech. It was weird and both S and I were thinking and S said what has that got to do with it. Then she said well I'm not used to working this way which again had nothing to do with her complete distraction. It's a little weird to be honest.
My greatest difficulty is sitting watching the unit being changed and not in my opinion for the better. If only I could let go and just allow it all to happen. I don't know how to do that and so I'm praying hard. I become harsh in my judgements within the anger that wells up. I see S getting frazzled and the unit being compromised and eventually that will effect the clients and the programme and our reputation. I don't ever like t be  part of something that is flailing as my reputation gets dragged in with it.
My anger was so raging yesterday. I stomped about the hospital making comments here and there. I didn't like what I saw in me. But at least I am looking at me.
unconscious incompetence - don't know what I don't know
conscious incompetence - the most painful but also the learning phase
conscious competence - starting to make changes and apply the lessons
unconscious competence - things become second nature
I have experience of the unconscious competence as there are changes that have become more natural over time and every so often I get a momentary realisation that these changes are a part of my everyday now.
The amazing thing is that I haven't had to use on any of this to date. I did think "duck it" last evening as I was driving home. I saw a person coming out of a supermarket with a big bag of goodies and my next thought was to go and get a bag of sugar products, get home and lunge on the settee chomping and watching films. I could almost taste the sugar flavours. I can even feel the urge as I'm writing about it - euphoric recall. But then thankfully I know this is not my food today thank you God. And I don;t want back all the misery that then ensues. The problem will still be there but ten-fold as I will be in internal agony yet again. So even though I'm struggling it is nowhere near as bad as it could be if I was using. And then today I drifted into a film that talked of depression and suicide. That is always an attractive option. The melancholy seems a sweet place to me, it beckons me constantly. Misty, lonely, dramatic and to be gone, a memory fading in the very same mist. That would be it. No more struggle. The greyness within would no longer have a home to be growing in me. Yet with my recovery I can keep it at bay. Sometimes it seems terrible that I am only keeping it at bay and it's never gone.  But keeping it at bay I can have good times. Then it swapped to wanting to be with a man like Aidan Quinn or rather the good looking character that he represented on the screen. That makes me smile as I quickly start the fantasy and have to come back to reality. I am so committed to not being in any kind of relationship right now.
I feel sad when I think of JC - his reply was so kind. But it's so right.
So how God do I deal with this anger by which I mean allow myself to be angry about the real things and let go of the need to be escalating the anger. I feed it and then it's rage. I feed it with resentment that is my own doing, such as doing all the crossing of t's and dotting of i's where others aren't. I get a sense of power from the anger too. In talking today I heard and recognised the feeling of powerless I have brings fear so the power from anger seems to compensate. But really it's destructive. It is at the levels I'm talking about anyway. Destroying me and then I lash out. I do this by getting over involved and argumentative or gossipping which quickly goes beyond truth. I did that yesterday. I wish I hadn't but I did so what do I do about that now God? I am truly sorry. I don't think I exaggerated when I was talking to NL but I'm not sure I could put my hands on specifics. I have to prepare myself for that. I was very pleased with the way he stopped to ask and listen. It was a change in him I really appreciated. And reassuring that there is some stability in the hospital now. Maybe he's finding his confidence??
God I offer these people to  you - L, N, A. Please protect them.

Then there was the hospital on Tuesday. That was so violating and afterwards I just felt so tearful. It was odd as I left. Coming out of a lift was a man in a wheelchair, very pale faced and in a white gown. Then I noticed a very silver, long chain connecting him to one of the two people behind him. One was pushing the wheelchair. They were both in uniform. I tried not to be too obvious about looking. I wish I had looked more. At one point they were standing chatting with this very silent, white man, headed tilted down sitting without moving. I felt for him but at the same time wondered what sort of criminal he was. I felt vulnerable and exposed. My skin crawled. I didn't want him looking at all the people especially the children. There was something sinister I felt inside of me. I am so dramatic I think. Perhaps I need to listen to my instincts so as just to be wary. But I also believe in the good in everyone although it might be dug in deep under all the blackness. After all I am only sometimes consciously incompetent.

I called my dad in my extra vulnerable state. Really I wanted my mum. Oh I considered a sugar binge that day too. Similar thinking actually. Please God help me to get rid of this thinking in case it gets more powerful and becomes the binge. I just wanted to go home and curl up and hold myself from the violation I was feeling. I am concerned about the results. Something is so not right and hasn't been for a while. They found nothing untoward last time apart from a polyp, probably in the same place. They thought that was the cause of the bleeding. I keep bleeding but I am hoping it is a result only of the procedure. If it hasn't stopped next week I will go back. Having been offended by L with regard to the hospital appointment on Tuesday I didn't try to make a convenient time for the scan appointment I now have. It seems that they couldn't see all of my womb with the internal ultra-sound because not only is my womb tilted backwards but it is over to the side. She also had problems finding my womb through all the irritable bowel symptoms. I was amazed to see it and kind of glad to have it confirmed visually. It's never been actually confirmed as a diagnosis. But I felt myself swell in the morning and the pain was there. Then to see all the holes filled with gas apparently and she said that this should be completely flat. It was worrying really but not surprising its painful.
So calling my dad resulted in little comfort from him. I braved saying that I had been at the hospital and suddenly someone in the background was calling out. I'm not sure who it was but he wanted to get off the line. He ignored the fact I'd been in the hospital even though I'd made myself vulnerable and told him. He lied I believe about who had come in the door, it just sounded odd in his tone. Anyway, that's my dad. As I write this I remember that he cannot be different and it's not a personal thing against me, even though at the time and often it does feel like that. Tank goodness God is my parent.
I thought this the other day looking at the wonderful moment when the sperm meets the egg. An electrifying energetic moment. So powerful to create life. The man and the woman are merely vessels of the two elements. God gives the life to the combination. The mother has the privilege of carrying the life. But then they are are imperfect human beings mostly unconsciously incompetent. Some people are more conscious in their incompetence and then some others are wanting to be consciously competent. To be honest my dad was conscious of incompetence, always saying he should ever have been a father. The problem was he didn't want to or didn't know how to make the changes. And that has a cost.
So today I have felt very tired. And things are fling aroun my mind. The consequence has been on my ability to focus on my studying. I watched instead Sarah's Key, walked LouLou and dozed. Oh and listened to music. I love listening to music. I love creativity, art. I am inspired at such a deep level inside of me. It's like sparkles sparkle in me. I am thankful to God for this appreciation. I sparkle when I see the sun rising or the sun setting and the moon appearing with the stars. I marvel at God's creativity and when it shines through people it's just as glorious. Sounds of the sun rise that make me smile.
I need to hoover so that it's decent tomorrow when A and M visit. I need to food shop for them too. I need to get to Petersfield by 6 I think. Bloody hell it's 5. I won't make it. I wonder what time they open in the morning. I could go before I go to Uni.Hmm it opens at 8am. I need to leave here at 9 am.
If I left here at 7:15 I cold shop at Sainsburys Alton on the way but then the stuff has to stay in the car for a couple of hours. Hmmmm. I should have gone earlier.
So much to do ..... ad I've lounged around a lot today. Mind you I did update my CV and send it off to the agency. I put some good action in to bring about change if change is meant to be. I need to trust in God to show me the way.
I was surprised that the agency have knowledge of Sporting Chance. And it's a good job they asked about the CRB as now that's being updated too.
I just need some money now. I'm overdrawn again and there's no spare money anywhere to draw from - so a 4 day week at lesser income will not be do-able. I need £25 gross for 4 days no pro-rata and that's the minimum. Bloody hell everything is becoming so so expensive. Thank goodness for some 1:1's recently and some overtime even though I need the time. I can't have both it seems at this job.
So yes some positive action and a little studying even though mnimal. And some well needed rest.

OK off to have my lovely clean food meal - thank you God for another abstinent day and room for growth and freedom. And thank you too for the facility to talk to people and write this all out.
Bliss
XX

Milk of Sorrow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXAi_o4N__o



Another enchanting film with real sadness yet delight as well.
ave a listen to the soundtrack via the link to You Tube.
Magaly Solier is an intriguing actress.

Bliss
XX

Fry, Kusama and photo journalists

 - Stephen Fry at the Bafta's. He will be making a return to live stage later this year in Twelfth Night. Only standing tickets left on 2 midweek matinee's. He commands such acclamation.

The pic of Stephen fry looks as if he's in the bipolar if that's a recent photo but I think that's my own stuff - mood and too much food I think are closely associated. I'm not sure which comes first to be honest. I certainly haven't had lows since food has been in order. I do have flashes of just wanting life to be over and I generally welcome death mainly being surprised I'm still alive anyway - sometimes disappointed. It's odd that I exist on an underlying bleakness but still find joy and gratitude during a day. Sometimes I notice it's beyond joy and becomes exaltation which I know means irrational behaviour and attitude but I don't know it when in the middle of it. I have questioned the diagnosis of bipolar, really liking it at first. Mainly because it sort of gave me a sense of something bizarre as that might sound. I meant I was taken seriously in my crazy world. Having a label made me a somebody. How sad that seems now that I've written that. But since then I've thought differently.  I don't think my craziness is bad enough to be bi-polar and also I'm not sure what leads it all. Is it addiction or bipolar or just sheer fucking faulty wiring of everything. Sometimes I'm all OK - normal it seems. I think I've had extended periods of that in the last 90 days. But I can hear a little voice that is getting louder. It tells me that all the being good is tedious. Nothing naughty and fun doesn't happen. I've had this since a little girl. I wrote a tiny tiny list once to try and shut this inner voice up. I was about 11 or 12. Things like I will not tell lies, I will not be naughty, I will not make up worlds. I had fantasies back then. I can even visualise that little piece of paper now. But I would always renegade on what good me set up for myself. I don't think there's anything evil - I never ever have meant anyone any harm. I feel sad actually as it seems all do uncontrollable. Since starting this text I've since spoken with my sponsor and through talking got some more clarity. The naughtiness is so linked with my deep fury. I sexualise fury - even since little. I'm scared of that now. After the destructiveness of the relationship with JH and before him CY - I truly am afraid of that in me. I really am turning to God more but I'm furious with God too. So sharing all this verbally has brought more insight and I can feel calm returning. Interesting too how unconscious motives and thoughts are driving naughty me. .....and just then my dad called. I think subtly and not so subtly this is all linked. It's his birthday on Tuesday. I feel flustered about that. Then his phone call - frankly I don't believe his excuses but to begin with I was alarmed and fearing something dreadful by his tone. Listening for every little tonal difference I detected what gave me a clue it was a lie. I don't trust him and don't find it easy to let go of my lack of trust. He's lied to me for ever. So what? That's just the way he is but it's tapped into my broken heart and rage. I feel a need to rage but know I need to contain it. This feels very difficult right now. Thank God my food is weighed and measured. I need real help with all of this from God.

An interesting call with my sponsor around all this stuff - my thoughts on Friday morning about feeling naughty. I am the little girl with the gilr in the middle of her forehead. I go along being good, good, good and then a little inner voice questions the goodness and says "where's all the fun? Let's use some energy!". Good doesn't burn up this energy inside of me. B asked if it was rebellion. And as I was talking about this is when I was identifying a burning rage in me. I'm not sure that the energy isn't just me. A fierce energy that needs to be directed because otherwise it can become a destructive force. I don't know if it's actually linked with any underlying feelings provoked by events of the past. That would make it very explainable but sometimes it feels free floating energy that needs to be expounded. And always it's been like a little thought change in my thinking.
Then B asked me this morning to take some quiet time to consider if that thinking was linked with my actions of yesterday, day 89, and then ending up eating my meal at 8pm. I wasn't going to tell her at all, then I wasn't going to tell the full extent of the lateness, then I decided I needed to take responsibility and face up to the consequences. I trusted that all would be OK whatever.
In truth I don't think this was a rebellious chain of events. I was in London and went along to the Tate Modern only to discover that the time slots they were selling would mean a 1 1/2 hour wait. I deliberated long and hard but my focus was on whether it would be acceptable to Abigail or not. I couldn't get hold of her to see if it was and so decided not to. I headed towards the photo journalism exhibition. This incidentally was free and with my current money situation should have been my choice anyway. However, I wanted also to see the Yoyoi Kusama exhibition based on recommendations from two people whose opinion I value greatly from their creative interests in the past. I went back deciding that I might as well get a ticket as I was going to mill around anyway. Now it was another hour later!!! But as I had made a decision and was not enjoying the indecision in me, I went ahead. What I didn't think about was when I would actually get home to eat my evening meal. It turned out that I didn't get to eat until just before 8pm a whole 2 hours later than I am required to eat. And I was hungry. I made my decisions all based on the wrong focus. I need to adjust that thinking. A focus on my clean food MUST MUST MUST come first. Then and only then is there room for spontaneity and freedom. After realising, I made a call to B to tell her the situation but I was unable to reach her.
In hindsight I could have better come to a healthy decision by calling out to other FA folk. However, having been at a meeting all morning with them I thought I was all "cured". Ha! I can learn from this too. It would make indecision less painful if I actually deliberated over choices with the help of others. I pray that I learn this lesson just as I pray I have learnt the lesson to make decisions with a focus on keeping my food clean as a priority. And this doesn't simply mean the food that I eat but the time as well.
Then the other great lesson is the ability to take responsibility, not manipulate the truth and through the honesty take the consequences willingly. At this point I have agreed to use some quiet time to really think about this situation. I think right now that I've become aware of a lot through the experience. Actually in writing I think I could be given the benefit of the doubt to see if I have truly become self aware and through being honest I think it has shown me a lot. I do think of my recovery as the most important thing but it just goes to show unless I remain alert and vigilant things can start to slip.
I don't know if my decision was linked with thoughts earlier in the week about wanting to be naughty. There is no conscious connection. I will keep an open mind to that though. Perhaps I wanted to sabotage the 90 days because I've been afraid of the 90 days ending and what that actually means. I enjoy my daily calls with my sponsor and committing my food to her. I don't want that to alter and she said that it wouldn't for the time being. I'm afraid that people wanting me to share has a pressure that I'm not dealing with and also that I've made a think out of not sharing for 90 days. I think others have made more out of it than I have but I wish I had been at bigger meetings where it would have slipped by less noticeably. And I've enjoyed the fact that I haven't needed to share, instead becoming more contemplative about subjects being raised. Furthermore, it's meant that I do call out more. I've seen a lot in the quietness from sharing at meetings. I have shared often for affect. I want only to share in earnestness and for the newcomer. I think I've had some realisations about that too. What that actually means.
And in my thoughtfulness about a mental disorder, am I, aren't I bi-polar? Did I manipulate the psychiatrist to think I am? Although I didn't have that in mind when I told him my story .... he said bi-polar and borderline. I was less "proud" of the latter and chose not to tell too many people, in fact only two, ML and JH. JH seemed to turn that against me confirming my need to hide it away. I know that fits at times though. And that's a point to be made that really ads weight to my belief that diagnoses are not to be used as a label to describe. By this I think symptoms ebb and wane. So in other words I am not bi-polar all of the time, I am not borderline all of the time. Maybe the wiring is the same but the symptoms are not always present so the diagnoses need to be allowed to be flexible. And psychologically that raises the interesting point for me as to what causes the symptoms to manifest? Is it cyclical thereby meaning that it is purely genetic and will happen anyway. Or are there cues that trigger the different ways it manifests? Or are the varying symptoms within the diagnoses actually part of the same thing at all? Lots of questions and I am truly not sure how I would even go about making the deeper enquiries into this. It would require I guess a longitudinal study of various populations and neurological scans would be helpful too. But how to monitor as a person is beginning to build up to obvious symptoms. They would have to be continuously under scrutiny and then ethically this would not be appropriate.
Hmm - interesting how much I've learnt from my degree so far to be able to even think along these lines.
And this thinking led onto me driving a long, contemplating whether I have these mental disorders or not when suddenly it really dawned on me that I have a mental disorder. Whether it's labelled addiction or eating disorder or whatever, it's mental. I inform clients everyday about their mental disorder, I study it, I go to meetings and hear it but I have never truly let that sink in. I have a mental illness. The hard-wiring is skedaddled and whether that's happened at birth or along the way is neither here nor there but it would be nice to know to be able to direct the anger accordingly. But there is no knowledge so I just have anger about that. But then I know intellectually and see more and more evidence of the fact that everyone is wired imperfectly in some way. How that manifests in the functioning can be very similar. So actually is it imperfect of simply individual differences of something that is so incredibly complex and I don't just mean the hard wiring. It's all so interlinked. The wiring, the environment, the people. None of it exists without the other.
Bronfenbrenner and ?? - forgotten the name so I need to look it up now .. hold on please ... Sameroff and the transactional model of development.




But these apply ongoing in adulthood - we are always in a state of development I believe albeit at a different pace and interface.


So when it's a mental illness I have that sounds so damning and something that I interpret as meaning I am not of a mind to be able to know myself. That is so Victorian - lock em up and throw away the key. It suggests that only other can decide for me. However, that's not the case. As I discussed with Dr G, it doesn't mean I am incapable, it means that I need to do things differently to check out what is the insane thinking and what is the sound thinking. I absolutely have sound thinking but it gets muddled up. I realise that this happens for everyone but it manifests in different ways and some people seem to make it all seem plausible because they are fully functioning and my stay that way until the end of their time.
What I am seeing is that I can go beyond just getting by. I can embrace the mental illness and find out more about being human. It's infinite within the finiteness. I am probably sounding a little crazy now.
The point is that I have a mental illness that thankfully is not beyond reason. I can embrace that fact now and by so doing I can more easily call upon help rather than wonder and wander about aimlessly.



So back to yesterday. I did get to see the exhibition. I found it fascinating, more so her recent work. It was bright and somehow charming although a sinister edge to it. I overheard someone saying how sensual he thought she was and yet materials suggested she was obsessed with sex. Someone else said that she had been forced to watch her father having sex with women other than her men. I haven't read that myself so not sure of the validity. I too though got a sense of her sensual side. What do I mean by sensual. I think there is/was a real sexual woman inside of her. Maybe it was trapped in her through the events of an abusive past and the trauma's of warfare. Apparently she was directly affected by the nuclear bomb in Hiroshima. If so she lives on strongly enough it seems although now a little doddery. But yes her work is sensual too. I thought her penile sculptures were funny. Disgusting too in a way for me and what it represents. I could relate to them, penis's everywhere but like living creatures somehow, not needing a body attached to them.
This pic wasn't a part of the exhibition but sort of says it all to me. The sensual woman, sexy and capable of sex. That's me. I make myself sexual because I think I have to and even can enjoy it from a power point of view. But then looking at the penis directly, it has other meanings. It has control over it's man and over me. Hmm not quite getting the words to describe that yet. I don;t think the penis is thinking or anything quite like that but there are the sinister undertones, the power it yields over men and women removing sensitivity and reasonable actions.


This walk through mirrored room enchanted me. I want this in my life everyday. It was childlike and absolutely took me away into smiles and delight.

I didn't want to leave this room or the experience. It was moving yet still. Ooooh I want to be there right now. It's a feeling deep inside of me a sort of excitement.

These recent works really grabbed me. I was enthralled by their brightness and playfulness yet also saw something sinister, sharp teeth-like nastiness amidst all the play.




And the eyes - I draw lots of eyes. Looking out or being watched? I am not sure. I love eyes. It reminds me of the eyes in the monster hands in Pan's Labrynthe. I found that both enthralling and frightening as well.

So although the exhibition may have cost me my 90 days recovery, it was so worth going to see. Apparently Ishiguro wrote one of his novels based on her ... I need to check this out as it is just hearsay at this moment. A Pale View of Hills. It is his first novel and the themes running through it seem intriguing to me - loss, guilt and responsibility. Wikipedia says " It examines what we know, what we tell, and what we deny about the truth of our own history."
I am seeing as I learn more about myself these exact things. I have a story in me to write and would love to have the imagination Ishiguro has to tell the story away from my own personal self yet examining these very things within me. It has to come from within I would imagine to be ale to write so profoundly and at the same distanced from self.

Oh I also visited the photo journalist exhibition.

Mich Epstein. The sharp edges really attracted me. Not only this though as the powerful extremes of beauty and destruction, side by side in an image. The hurricane photo for example was absolutely beautiful yet I knew that it had been devastating. It looks like the human stuff is meant to be strewn about. And the pollution of the fumes yet looking so beguilingly formed and solid. Then the charming home garden over shadowed by giant chimneys silently in charge over later ruination in a little child that might play in that garden, innocent of the dangers as it's just there. Sinister.








Luc Delahaye - focused more on war zones such as Afghanistan and Iraq

This could almost be a holiday snap apart fromt he content of it.


Speaks for itself.

Guy Tillim
A candidate entering a stadium. Imagine the sounds and smells and I feel fear too through a throng of emoted people



He really does tell stories with his photos.

Boris Mikhailov - the Tate Modern describe having two of his important images from earlier works of his. I'm not sure which two they are referring to but this struck me.


He had many there all featuring something red which was described as him displaying how much "red" plays a part in daily Ukraine lives. It was a huge wall of photos. That to me showed everyday scenes of hardship and yes something red was in everyone sort of being a sub-them of attention focus. The harder theme was the hardship.





There were a series of these blued photos. Just little scene snapshots of endurance I thought and blueness.

And Akram Zaatari - people people people - in studios. People of Beirut ....


There were some with guns - playfully modelling with them. But again it seemed indicative of how normalised people are to having guns about the place.



So all in all a good day except that I didn't put my focus on my food. I pray to God that I take the lesson from this and can alter my focus of attention. I want to remain abstinent and that means making my food recovery the first thing I take care of and then I can be free to enjoy living life.

Thank you God and Universe for this lesson. I have certainly taken something from it.
What's the fictional story that lies beneath the reality please God?

:)


.... and finally. Much to my shame and embarrassment, I am shredding off what are for me unhealthy relationships. I have had a text friend since the end of the relationship with JH. It's been nothing more than socialising but the circumstances are not healthy for me. I feel dreadful having not done this sooner but have known it's not OK for me right from the start. Discovering that he was married and yet having sex outside of marriage and contact with other women under cover I should not have continued. But I kept telling myself it's all so innocent, there is nothing more than text flirtations. But I do not agree with this and I am party to something I don't agree with. Making friends with people is one thing but it having to be a secret suggests something else to me. I feel sad as I truly have enjoyed the contact and sharing of ideas and music. But it's not healthy for me. I am not suggesting it's unhealthy for him. Indeed it may be the very thing that keeps him and his wife together. I feel absolutely dreadful that I've put off dealing with this by ignoring recent texts etc from him and today have committed to sending an email. I need to send it before posting this because actually although I don't think he knows about my blog it is not respectful for the world to have access to information before he hears directly from me. You see this is the sort of destruction that I cause and do not want to be involved in any longer. If I meet people I want it to be above board and decent. I can get into a lot of trouble if I do not behave according to my highest morals. I easily slip into the grundge when it seems like more fun. It is sexualising feelings that I'm not even sure I'm fully aware of. Somehow it suggests and anger to me; perhaps with myself or with others.
I feel so relieved that I was honest about this with B and a couple of others.

Please God help me to send the gentlest of words but speak my truth.

Bliss
XX

Burra

I will write more about this .........
Wonderful art. Of course I wanted to own some, but I came away with one postcard. Sadly they weren't even selling posters. Blast!
An afternon in Chichester with A and G and a brief visit with M in her bookshop. How she looked the part. Anyway more later

Blob-di-blob

It's mighty cold! A wonderful day to walk though. Very cold but with the sun beaming through. There is something so satisfying about getting home into the warm after a walk in the fresh and cold air.
I had layers and layers on so actually didn't get too cold in my body. My face was fresh and ruddy.
Now it's a little cold - I can feel a chilliness around my feet so getting Val prepared (hot water bottle).
I have studied well today. Not fast but well. I'm taking heed of study skills for my learning styles. I am slower than many people who are attuned ... however, it doesn't mean I am neither stupid or incapable. I just need to take time. Which is something I have little of.
I need to update my CV and get it off to the recruitment agency. I would like to work more locally. Just seeing people getting ready ad leaving later in the morning and getting home earlier is tantalising.
I am very thankful to be employed and grateful to have a job that I enjoy - not necessarily the company and its politics but the work itself.
I can afford to pay my bills. Not a lot more and yet today I have booked the OUPS overview day and also employed the services of P to help me compile the case study. I need it out of the way and I have little time now to get it into something orderly for presentation. If he can help me then I will be delighted. I think I was trying too hard but also had procrastinated too long. Now I need all the time available to me to study. I would like to do well over the next 2 years. They matter in the weighting but also the past 2 years have not been great marks. Part of one year spent with JH and the other finding it difficult to really concentrate. I hope the menopause fuzz doesn't play such a big part this year.
How lucky it is I'm on annual leave this week. As for the past 2 days I have had a period. The first after such a long time. Maybe so much as a year or more ago. I feel sure that there have been very light spottings. But this is a real drain. I ache through all the lower half of my body. I had noticed the piercing pain in my right side, lower than my abdomen, most certainly to do with my female parts, had been hurting more.

Realisation - not fancying a man at all but just not being able to help myself. They are attentive and nice to me and I just can't help myself and suddenly need them to continue to be nice to me. And then if it seems they withdraw even slightly I get needier and believe that I do fancy them. Then I am also ashamed of this need of someone I don't find attractive.
Why? There must be something about them that must trigger something in me. I know one thing is feeling a person can take care of me. And on Saturday what was odd behaviour by a man I know may have dipped into this.
What actually happened? Well in the morning previous to leaving I was incredibly anxious. Social phobia of a particular sort. The large amount of people, the awkwardness of being alone. I spilled it all out to my sponsor who said she could hear my anxiety. She helped me to slow it all down. I just needed to breathe and if I was sitting on my own I could trust God that I would be OK. She was so right. I knew it.
Anyway as I was checking in L was behind me. I felt a presence. He didn't actually say anything. Strange I thought. I smiled and said hello and I would imagine appeared pleased to see him as I would with anyone I have known before.
As we moved further into the cafe, he said "hold on a moment". He slowly reached forward and moved a hair from my eyelash. I thought this was a very odd thing to do. He is not attractive to me physically in any way whatsoever. He is a nice enough chap though although at times speaks so quietly and quickly I can't grasp all he says. I noticed though that as the day went on he was clearer in his speaking. perhaps that is his own lack of confidence showing through. I felt quite indignant at this act though. I didn't say anything yet wondered all day about his motives. Yes indignant I remained. And yet ... there was something good about it that someone would do something like that. Perhaps he does fancy me and that's a relief as I feel so unattractive and incidentally I don't attract any men to speak with me who I find attractive. Something all so unconsciously odd going on don't you think.
As this week has gone on I have wondered what it was that permitted him to do something like that. I wondered if he had read about it or been told about it as a chat-up action. Indignant I remained. Then I remembered what S had said to me maybe some 2 years ago now when I was indignant with ego back then about a man. His exact words I don't remember but the inference was that I had something to do with it. What was it about me that gave him permission to do it? I certainly didn't put any boundaries down after the event although he didn't do anything like that again during the day. He was nothing but courteous. What the hell would I have said anyway? I will raise this with B.
And then he took my email address. I didn't not want to be friendly and keep in contact although before I hadn't given him a thought after the last course and OUPS days. Hmmmm. He emailed me the next day and I replied by that evening. I knew I was compelled to reply yet ashamed as I do not fancy him in anyway whatsoever. Is that being just friendly? Is it? I don't actually know. It's like not knowing what a helathy sized meal looks like. I have no idea.
So I am glad to have spoken about with A this evening and also get identification so that I don't feel so weird and disgusted with myself for my return email.
I need some help around this. I don't know what a healthy bottom line would be. I know that it feels wrong for example to maintain contact with JC. I mentioned it to B but haven't dropped the contact. I wuld hate it if my partner were doing what he is doing. It's simply having that contact an constant intrigue without anything ever develping beyond that. But it's not deent to his wife.
Some people would say well there is no harm being done. But there is. It feels rotten to say, sorry can't be text friends anymore. I have only flirted a few times and then ever so subtly and he hasn't responded. Yet somehow I get the feel that this is not all OK. He was having a sex affair, he loves another woman who has cut contact with him. Hmmmmm. All is not OK.
It's more obvious to me probably because I am getting more and more clarity all round.

The lectures on Saturday were so interesting. PTSD. The first was about PTSD in children. William Yule reowned it seems as he is called in to help with incidents arund the world where there is mass devastation. He was involved in the Herald of the Free Enterprise and the effect on children. It was only that long ago that people started to identify that PTSD affected children. Of course originally it was etected in veterans of Vietnam. Beofre that I guess it was called shell-shock.
The next speaker Emily Homes talked about visual imagery or flashbacks. Now I was intrigued as the the association of reliving traumas through visual memories. I wondered about D who has no visual memories. Would there be emotions from past memories if there are no images. Would these people ever suffer with PTSD if flashbacks are such a part of the condition? Interesting research perhaps.
There is a term for not having visual images but I can't find it and Emily said it three times without me really getting what she was saying. I felt too embarrassed to ask again.
Then who? And about what. Oh yes the biological state of PTSD. What was going on in the brain. David L - can't remember his name. Clearly very knowledgable indeed but I found it repetitive and actually felt very sleepy by that time.
Then Peter Naish and his references to hypnosis and EMDR as possible cures. To be honest I'm not sure what else he was saying.
I was indeed very interested in the training that William Yule made reference to. Specialised training of psychologists to be able to treat large numbers of children as well as finding the resource to treat individuals. I would imagine anything I could get involved in would be difficult and costly but how fantastic to be working alongside him if ever there was a need. In my dreams.

Studying has gone well today. I will be getting another early night as I feel achey and drained of energy with this flipping period. Not to turn against myself as B reminded me this morning. I am disappointed but I don't feel down on myself. As she said it's very symbollic of things flowing through me. I have always felt a period is cleansing. And also she made the connection with the unusual event of last week in group. Did I write about it?
I don't know. I have spoken about it a few times so maybe I did maybe I didn't. It's very relevant on 2 accounts really. 1 that it was supernatural and they are few and far between yet interesting, 2. I have been thinking about the pregancy terminations I've had in the past and feeling sad - grief.
I was in group co-facilitating with S. A client was being asked about situations in her life. I have been feeling immense sadness anyway around her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something white on my arm and even felt a feather-lite weight there. I thouht it must have been my scarf and lifted my arm to shake it off and back into place. As I looked there was nothign there and I had a sense that it was a baby. After the group I explained this to my colleagues who took me seriously when I thought they might not. When I verbalised that I had a sense it was a baby I felt very vulnerable. I felt vulnerable because I thouht they would think I am too strange to be allowed to work with clients. Anyhow they didn't, they both were supportive of the concept even saying that it was some deep connection. The S revealed that the client had had a baby terminated. This is what I am connecting with her at a visceral level. I didn't know about this. I so wished I hadn't shaken the baby off. It needed holding and grieving. For her and for me. I'm not connected to any emotion as I type this. However, when I was speaking to B about it she said something, I can't remember what, and I felt the sadness rise in me and tears formed. I am already geetting used to this though. I would have been a mother to boys and girls but I killed those babies. One termination in particular was very difficult for me. I actually had an induced birth. Painful and quite weirdly traumatising as I was drugged up and in and out of a doziness. I had to be awake of course. Horrid! I made those awful choices and am not proud that I was simply too scared to tell my mum. She would not have approved. And prior to that I simply was too selfish to give up my life. A has said sorry to me which was a realisation for him when he discovered he could not have children with his wife. How sad for us both. I could not have a child with me. So selfish and yet it was the decisio a th the time. Thre is no going back. I give those children to God to take care of. That was when I connected with the sadness and can feel it slightly now.

More and more I am connecting with God. I am very thankful. I feel a shift in my negativity. I hope with God's help I will continue to heal and grow.

I am grateful to fellowship and thank God for my engagement with it. I am pleased I have made a commitment to no relationships with men for a year. I do not want nor need a relationship. I need the space to develop a relationship with me, clean of food, God and the fellowship.

That reminds me I have not made 3 calls today. It feels too late now. I will make some calls in the morning and at lunchtime tomorrow.
Thursday already - I would love more time off with pay without losing leave entitlement. I do not want to be without emplyment - just less time spent in work without losing any income.
God if it's Your will please can you help with this. I know I need to update my CV. Let's see if I can do a little of that now.

Oh and have been watching Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. What a beautiful little film by Dai Sijje. It's mainly autobiographical.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX