And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
A lovely weekend - busy and full of beautiful people. The Barn was very good - mezze served in a really chilled atmosphere. I liked it. Everyone seemed OK and if they didn't like it well at least they have experienced something in Farnham they didn't know existed. The band were good - jazz!
http://groupspaces.com/thebarnfarnham
The discussions were mainly history based. Light, nothing very exacting. It was interesting listening to people talking about drink and their views. There certainly was a different attitude to my own. I was able to remark on it without going into in depth detail.
It was interesting too talking with JM when we got home. The difference in our thinking about what for me is not acceptable. Getting just a few hours company per week with someone I loved and not really being able to share general experiences with. How JM has come to accept that it's better to have that than nothing. I would rather have nothing than for me what seems like a lack of retaining my dignity. I do not judge her. I see how she is comfortable with things just the way they are and she is content with her situation and what she has. It was just interesting. I question whether I did things wrong in my relationship and should have been happy to have what I was given despite everything else that was going on and the lies. BUT for me there was too much pain. So if there are consequences that are not acceptable then it is not OK. I get confused though and think well if I had just accepted then perhaps things could have been OK. No no no.
We had an easy morning talking some more then DC arrived. At last the image download situation is sorted - it was the cable all along and I sensed tat very early on but yet again didn't trust my instincts!! I just never think I know enough. Fantastic lunch at the Thomas Lord. JM very kindly picked up the tab. I was not expecting that and feel very treated. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I hope to be able to return the favour some time.
Then off to AB's - a walk and a fantastic Indian meal whilst watching horror of all horrors Come Dine With Me. Mind numbing TV
I drove home from AB's and really cried. I was thinking how I could tell my dad that I love him and that I would like him to be able to love me. Tell him that I feel so isolated from him and it feels so horrid. All I ever wanted really was for him to love me. And now I realise that I would like him to have loved me for who and how I am not by me trying to please him.
It is sad. I felt the terror of being alone. And then I was able to remind myself that I will never be alone. I hate the feeling of losing people. And yet there have been many people go and some come back.People get on and off the bus, that's the way it is.
Paul Simon's words though really rang true. And I feel blown apart. Everyone can see but not everyone will realise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2wUq-aTjpA&feature=related
I can feel something within me - anticipation? I am not sure what it is. Something is going to happen ...... what? I cannot tell whether it is positive or negative.
It is JH's birthday. I hope he might know that I am wishing him well and hope that he is feeling happy and getting everything he wants and needs in his days.
It was a slow day
And the sun was beating
On the soldiers by the side of the road
There was a bright light
A shattering of shop windows
The bomb in the baby carriage
Was wired to the radio
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry
It was a dry wind
And it swept across the desert
And it curled into the circle of birth
And the dead sand
Falling on the children
The mothers and the fathers
And the automatic earth
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry
It's a turn-around jump shot
It's everybody jump start
It's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts
Medicine is magical and magical is art
The Boy in the Bubble
And the baby with the baboon heart
And I believe
These are the days of lasers in the jungle
Lasers in the jungle somewhere
Staccato signals of constant information
A loose affiliation of millionaires
And billionaires and baby
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
A lovely weekend - busy and full of beautiful people. The Barn was very good - mezze served in a really chilled atmosphere. I liked it. Everyone seemed OK and if they didn't like it well at least they have experienced something in Farnham they didn't know existed. The band were good - jazz!
http://groupspaces.com/thebarnfarnham
The discussions were mainly history based. Light, nothing very exacting. It was interesting listening to people talking about drink and their views. There certainly was a different attitude to my own. I was able to remark on it without going into in depth detail.
It was interesting too talking with JM when we got home. The difference in our thinking about what for me is not acceptable. Getting just a few hours company per week with someone I loved and not really being able to share general experiences with. How JM has come to accept that it's better to have that than nothing. I would rather have nothing than for me what seems like a lack of retaining my dignity. I do not judge her. I see how she is comfortable with things just the way they are and she is content with her situation and what she has. It was just interesting. I question whether I did things wrong in my relationship and should have been happy to have what I was given despite everything else that was going on and the lies. BUT for me there was too much pain. So if there are consequences that are not acceptable then it is not OK. I get confused though and think well if I had just accepted then perhaps things could have been OK. No no no.
We had an easy morning talking some more then DC arrived. At last the image download situation is sorted - it was the cable all along and I sensed tat very early on but yet again didn't trust my instincts!! I just never think I know enough. Fantastic lunch at the Thomas Lord. JM very kindly picked up the tab. I was not expecting that and feel very treated. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I hope to be able to return the favour some time.
Then off to AB's - a walk and a fantastic Indian meal whilst watching horror of all horrors Come Dine With Me. Mind numbing TV
I drove home from AB's and really cried. I was thinking how I could tell my dad that I love him and that I would like him to be able to love me. Tell him that I feel so isolated from him and it feels so horrid. All I ever wanted really was for him to love me. And now I realise that I would like him to have loved me for who and how I am not by me trying to please him.
It is sad. I felt the terror of being alone. And then I was able to remind myself that I will never be alone. I hate the feeling of losing people. And yet there have been many people go and some come back.People get on and off the bus, that's the way it is.
Paul Simon's words though really rang true. And I feel blown apart. Everyone can see but not everyone will realise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2wUq-aTjpA&feature=related
I can feel something within me - anticipation? I am not sure what it is. Something is going to happen ...... what? I cannot tell whether it is positive or negative.
It is JH's birthday. I hope he might know that I am wishing him well and hope that he is feeling happy and getting everything he wants and needs in his days.
It was a slow day
And the sun was beating
On the soldiers by the side of the road
There was a bright light
A shattering of shop windows
The bomb in the baby carriage
Was wired to the radio
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry
It was a dry wind
And it swept across the desert
And it curled into the circle of birth
And the dead sand
Falling on the children
The mothers and the fathers
And the automatic earth
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry
It's a turn-around jump shot
It's everybody jump start
It's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts
Medicine is magical and magical is art
The Boy in the Bubble
And the baby with the baboon heart
And I believe
These are the days of lasers in the jungle
Lasers in the jungle somewhere
Staccato signals of constant information
A loose affiliation of millionaires
And billionaires and baby
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry
