Time or Goal Not Both

God please guide me to learn what I need to know. Give me the strength
FEAR False Evidence Appears Real

If I think I've got to get it right then I don't do it at all. Procrastination.
This involves fear and avoidance of facing what I might not be able to do or can't do perfectly. what I have to do plus some laziness. I want the time for nice, leisure things just for me. I've always been like that. Preferring doing other things without applying myself to education that requires discipline. Tch!

If I just do a block, either time or goal not both then I can

Time before work whatever happens. 15 minutes regardless of everything else after .....
5.00am - wake up
5.05am - Pilates
5.30am - wash, shower, dress, dry hair.
5.45am - final food prep
5.50am - quiet time
6.15am - breakfast
6.30am - call with sponsor
6.45am - leave for work
7.45am - receive call from Richard
8.00am - arrive work
8.10am - study
8.30am - start work

Okay this morning I am working on a block of work - getting the Results and Discussion sections completed. I will take a break for lunch when these are done. Then after lunch I will work on the introduction until it's done.
Tomorrow then I will read a chapter and take notes for revision

Sounds like a plan.

Amazing how I feel hungry and already am 10 minutes later than committed to start time.

Getting on with it after making a cup of Three Ginger tea from Pukka. Who were incredible at sending me a box after getting dreadfully fed up with at least one bag per box being perforated and bits falling into the water. I'm still experiencing it and as I drink a lot during the day this become expensive. They are £2.30 per box after all. Disappointing.

Bliss
xx





 

Reflections on DSE232

Well to begin with it seems overwhelming - this term VLE.I was expecting some specific piece of software and gradually through systematically reading trather than panic erratic reading, I'm realising this is an accumulation of skills in using technology.
So reading the instructions and following them is calming me down.
I do find the navigation and where to find relevant materials online a little daunting and I guess takes time to get used locations. I have experience of getting acclimatised in the past and this feeling of uncertainty always passes with practice.
I do tend to try and work it out by myself first and then ask when I get "stressed"but get a little daunted and the afraid that I will appear stupid and publicly because of the forum style questions.
I am getting over myself though and instead asking anyway.
It was interesting attempting to explain to a friend what I am studying. I had read the introduction but it had not sunk in what I am really studying and so thinking about what I am learning about what is normal forst all and how tat can be applied in say occupational psychology. What do I think now that I have reviewed what occupational psychology actually is. It is concerned with issues in the workplace including the perfomrance of people in the workplace.
So with regard to dyslexia for example I imagine that an occupational psychologist would be assessing what difficulties are arising for the individual and assess what is needed to support them. Perhaps the role is wrong for them? Wouldn't this be setting a prejudice in place?
And stress of course is a big concern for occupational psychologists in the work place. The employer in both circuymstances ie stress and dyslexia is expecting the very best possible performance and why should they make allowances for the individual? They are surely duty bound but are they according to employment law. So an occupational pscyhologist is probably required to know a little about emploment law. Everyone can cope with different levels of stress and this can vary too in the individual according to what else is going on thier lives.
Interesting musing these points already.
But then what will be learning about clinical, forensic and educational psychology and dyslexia and stress.
Understanding what they are is one thing - applying the different persepctives of applied psychology is what we are going to learn. Interesting.

This is now 2013 and that is another course I had to give up on. Bugger!!

Bliss
 

Standing on the shoulders of giants

It's funny because I see in me the ways I do what I do in addiction as the same thing as you do in avoidance. I'm not saying it IS the same just I recognise similarities in the underlying Issues. And I also see how easily I could go into avoidancy. It's not the first time I've recognised it but I don't think I've ever talked about it with you. In particular as I started acting out with Leslie - god I'm so tired of the behaviours. Thank goodness. For so many years now the addictive behaviours and codependency are shown clearly to me yet I'm so good at wanting what I want so denying the situations and consequences. How many times do I want to get burnt. It's not the men - I create abuse. It's a horrid default. And I want to step away from the defect. My gosh I get a lot of practice. Phew! Thank goodness for practice but good support to keep pulling through so far.
I started writig this to my friend M. But reflected on it and decided not to. It didn't feel appropriate. When we met on Saturday it could have been appropriate then and to have live examples of the way I spot the similarities. M always adds that she is avoidant and can be addictive too in her relating with people.
I am mainly addicted in relationships but can see how I become avoidant in some ways and could easily switch to avoidancy in a more obvious way.
Fundamentally addictive or avoidant, the missing ingredient is intimacy. And INTO ME U SEE intimacy involves being transparent and that means being pure or being able to share the things that are embarrassing and bring on feelings of shame too. Either stop those behaviours and attitudes that bring that on or stand up and being counted for them.
M was talking about not being sure about this guy D so tending not to answer calls or meet up. I am not sure about G a lot of the time but instead of avoiding I am in addiction, he's here all the time, I tolerate behaviours and situations that actually I am not happy with.
Whereas M can  put down boundaries that are inflexible, I put down boundaries that are either so flimsy that there is no resistance at all or there are no boundaries.

Today I stood up for myself. I didn't want him to stay another night. And in the clumsiest way possible I said so. It was horrid being then on the receiving end of his reaction although he has been decent about it really. There was awkward silence and a very frosty "right, I'm off then". I asked when we might speak to each other again. And he said "when we speak to each other". There is no commitment from G. He said yesterday there is no contract between us but there is little of a commitment in any sense. He says he doesn't look at other women not because of his commitment to me but because he doesn't do that sort of thing because of his insecurities. That's not acceptable to me. It's true and I appreciate the truth. I am seeing what happens but I store that sort of information. Then there is his friendship with D. I am not happy with him texting all the time he's with me or visiting there and coming back here. Mainly I think he's here because he doesn't want to be at his home, named the pit or he's not permitted to stay at D's house, named the castle.
I am not saying I want him to change per se. Of course I'd like things to be different but what I am saying these are things that actually I am questioning about whether I want in my relationship with someone. I don't like his gossipping. I don't like how he is so critical about the work that I do as if he knows best. He knows a lot but if his word isn't taken then he gets angry and actually points out how closed I am to ideas. I can agree with that to some extent. But pot calling kettle black infuriates me.
And also when things are not going well there he is angry and moody. That's okay as such but it falls out regularly on me. He is ultra sensitive. He is restless all too easily and does nothing about that.
I am sitting here saying all these things with a bit of a whinge. But it's me that's not comfortable with the situation. I am not blaming him and I don't want him to change at all. All I am doing is looking at things how I perceive them and assessing what is okay by me or not. There are wonderful things about that I love deeply. I love walking with him and the freshness of seeing things and hearing things. I lobe the way he cares about people and there is a detail in his caring. I love his brightness, his humour and his intelligence. He has a stored for information and applies it well. I love sex with him. There is the possibility to try and have sexual intimacy but it goes quickly when all the other things kick in. I love the way he practices at enlightenment and his enthusiasm for some things is incredible. As incredible as that is, he can be dispassionate about things too and that is frustrating to watch. He is not happy otherwise I would say crack on.
He is irresponsible with money too but so am I and so that doesn't trouble me so much as it did when all the dust was in the air after my dad's will. I was expecting to be comfortable and was terribly discontented with everything when that was not the case. And G wasn't a help more of a drain financially.

So that's how it is with G. And the addictive process? Well having several times shown him the portal or he's taken the portal and then just slipping back into the same situation is just doing the same old thing and expecting different results. Addictive. Tolerating behaviours that actually create resentments in addictive behaviour. Being needy is addictive behaviour. Not taking responsibility for myself, i.e, being accountable and saying what I do and don't like is addictive behaviour. Not being able to set boundaries such as making calls to friends and FA folk is addictive behaviour. Getting involved once again in cyber-sex when I could actually see it happening in front of my eyes is addictive behaviour. And I do feel incredibly awful about that and glad that I could put a stop to it there and then regardless of what LW was about to start thinking of me. The packaging was rather gorgeous though. Anyhow when G said he needed to delete texts because if I read them my head would go all over the place with them ... firstly I was cross because he thought I'd read his texts, which there has been one occasion I tried to and I have signed in to read his emails. I refuse to do that again. But worse still is the fact that there are texts that he thinks would be inappropriate. I wouldn't want him to see the things I write about him and I certainly wouldn't want him to see the cyber-sexing texts with LW. So I understand but it doesn't make it okay. He sees D every day practically and they are texting all day every day. It's a big bug bear for me. He says it's all innocent and I put trust in that. However, the amount of contact and his apparent attachment to her is rather extreme. And his mood fluctuates according to what's going on with her.
I do not want it. I am glad I was able to say I didn't want to see him this evening and have the evening to myself. I enjoy his company when all is good. In fact I cherish those times they are so special. I do not like the other stuff and that seems to be more frequent.

So I have not been studying and avoiding doing any reading and now have an assignment that was due in today and I've only just started it.What am I doing now? Not my report or even any needed reading. I will do another half hour of reading and then tomorrow evening I will have to get my head into it yet again. On Sunday I am in London with the B's. I hadn't mentioned that to G so the fact that he's dog-sitting all weekend is food news for me. I don't even think I'll miss him so much. The excitement is wearing off I think because it's so full of fraught tension. But bloody hell it's lovely when that isn't there.

And I had an interview yesterday for DARA treatment centre in Thailand. A part of me wants to give it a 3 month try.Leave Loobs again? Difficult. And what about my flat and commitment to PD? I think PD would be very hurt. he already regrets the time off I take for my degree course. I couldn't do it without the time though. My days are so long by the time I've dropped Loobs off and collected her.
The island is mall C said and there is not much to do at all. Being with oneself is a critical ability to have she said. I have this romantic notion of beach bumming and stuff. It's is a snippet of the entire thing. I have a glimpse shot of somewhere exotic. it only remains exotic for a short while because in effect I am just there instead of here. The climate would be lovely of course.
I would miss art. I would miss friends. I would miss culture. I would miss G. I would miss like heck Loobs. I would miss ..............
Hmmm I sent an email to say that I rescind my application. We will see what happens when they respond. I would be interested to know the feedback from the interview. It was via Skype.

That's all folks!!

Bliss
XX

ps G calls himself Spiritual Giant (I think he half beleives it)

Incredulous

Well my essay is written. It's not great but at least the first draft is done. I will go for a walk and take another look later on.
I must submit it tomorrow afternoon anyway.

I am continuing to have washes of disbelief but less so. I am not feeing as self piteous as I was
Bliss
X
This was written two weeks ago

Gone gone gone

It's gone. My assignment is submitted - the end of the course. Fascinating and demanding and tiring and exciting. But all finished. I hope I pass and better than that I hope I get a 2:1.
I so need to be working less to really be able to apply myself the the levelt that I do now believe I am nore than capable of. It is not satisfying doing things in a half measured way because of time restraints. However, it is satisfying in many other ways.
I am free now - assignment gone. I am free to enjoy the next few days off without the pressure of studying and writing and interpreting.
Yipppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

And thanks to everyone sinlge one of my friends and associates who support me.

Bliss
XX

Exam Experiment blimey -ment

Gosh - having put my head down, and finding the relevant books and refernces I couldn't locate earlier this year AND making the decision to start by concentrating on putting the experiment together so that I can sample it this evening on A and G, I have got a long way. I have written 1056 words completing some of the simpler sections of the required report.
The experiment is Concentration on a listening task affects  motor performance. I have started the preparation by charging the batteries of my little recording device and selected the music I will record when they are "cooked". I am pleased with my progress. And this evening will conduct the experiment so that I ahve some results. I have written though a lot about the methods - design, participants, proceduare and materials. I have also started writing the discussion. A little contribution to the intro and nothing yet about the results.

Going well me thinks at this stage .....

Bliss
XX

A little bit of grrrrrr - hahahahahahahaha

Becoming more self aware is a joy to behodl.
I sent an email to a friend eariler today owning that I hadbeen completely wrong about something I was adamant I knew to be right. I checked it out as a seed of doubt was implanted at the time and discovered of course that I was wrong. Embarrassing to me but hey! In my head I am thinking I am always so certain about things and this is just one of many thigns that actually I am often wrong about. A lesson to be learnt about being less adamant and more enquiring but also cutting myself a slack because I do make mistakes sometimes and that's OK. Attitude is something I think I can learn to adjust.
LIke I use in my opinion about things I like and dislike - a revelation in being able to own my opinion - I can also say I think or do you know .....?
Anyway I received an email that aroused a grrrrrr in me. The reply said that my friend hadn;t believed me anyway at the time and blah blah blah. I interpreted by this she thought my email was to impart correct information and that she would have been silly enough to believe me. I did not think that at all. I have a feeling she has a big issue about being taken in and defends against that. This is not the grrr - it's the seemingly misunderstood purpose of my email. But what I have realised the level of grrr I have is actually a layer over the embarrassment I feel. It would not even be a grrrrrrrrr more of an irritation that she seems to have misunderstood my intention.
Anyway I laughed at myself when I stoped to think it all through. I have no need to continue the communication. I can actually truly let it go. There is often this jibe from her and many many times I let it go with no need to explain further. I am not sure if that's rught or wrong to do. Does it mean that the full communciation channels are not open - or is it simply that there is no need to anallyse further.
As I own my embarrassment about the knowledge bit I can laugh more at myself. And ask for help in altering the way I present myself. I do no ever want to appear arrogant or egotistical as I do find it distasteful in others. I think I would just like to practice being more enquiring instead.

So whilst I needed to keep a record of this as otherwise I forget it seems the littel lessons I get along my path, it was also a grand deviation from the essay I am attempting to draft.

 

“...the straightforward account of classical conditioning ... is quite easy to explain on the basis of simple changes in synapses” Describe the simple changes and discuss the extent to which all forms of learning can be explained by these simple synaptic changes.

The thing is the information in the books puts it so succinctly it seems silly to re-write it in my own words - tee heeeeeee hahahahahaha. It's ONLY a 1000 words. And then I have loads of reading to do on a subject that should interest me greatly - addiction. And a brief essay and some questions.
So useful this course in understanding the very basics of what is occurring in the brain and body as we go ab out being human.
Amazing. Utterly amazing.

Bliss
XX

Really really not distraction

Try this test -

http://www.freemosquitoringtones.org/hearing_test/

Soon You'll Be as Deaf as Your Parents!

Visit a geriatric home soon, in 20-30 years you'll hearing as bad as them! The highest frequency you can hear is: 14khz

Check your hearing, download the Silent Ringtones and find out how old your ears realy are!

It seems that I am hearing above the range for my age which is strange as I thought I was rather more deaf than apparently I am. Good!
I have certainbly noticed a decrease in my level of hearing.
Interesting
Bliss
xx

and to keep this in the zone of study (loosely but relevantly) - perhaps this is genetic coding but combined with lifestyle and the environment within which I have put myself. So in other words someone could have lived exactly the same way I have and been exposed to noise levels as I have and hear better or worse according to their genetic structure.

Mismatch

Ha ha
I have just learnt that my new tutor is a neuroscientist - 20 years of brain research. And there I am writing notes about neurons being God's doodles.
Think we will be miles apart.
It's really lovely that there is an offer to speak about things in detail over Skype and otherwise email or leave messages with questions and concerns.
My last tutor was also very accessible - the one before that was not at all. She just didn't want to do anything more than mark the essays and be at the tutorials.
Glad this one seems more available - well physically if not on a different brain wave!!

Night
Bliss
X

Planet of the neurons - God's art

 I think these are so so pretty and unusual. And we go to the depths of the deepest seas and aim for the outer linits of space looking for these kind of things. A micro world, interdependant, beautiful and weird and wonderful. Incredible. God's odd doodles? And then they have functions and cause behaviours and thought and consciousness and link the inner with the outer. And wow! Miraculous. Yet we people go about everyday things without giving a though. Just to type this all the action potentials that are lighting up along axons and triggering neurotransmitters through my body and from my senses and into the brain where masses of electrical signals create signals and on and on. I wonder if any of this will sink into the long term memory. I hope so. Although without an exam this year it feels less pressured. But I realise as I read how much I have forgotten from the previous section and it is important to start developing tyhe knowledge so I don't have to keep going back.
So if I can keep images of God's doodles and art and installations etc. maybe that will help me to remember. Please?

Motor neurons - efferent - ie send messages fromt he brain (carry instruction)
Sensory neurons - afferent - send messages via CNS to the brain (carry information)

Hormones
Hormones are chemical messengers that regulate bodily processes such as growth, reproduction, metabolism, digestion, mineral and fluid balance, and the functioning of various organs. In animals, hormones are secreted by organs, tissues, and glands of the endocrine system directly into the blood by and carried in the bloodstream to target organs. Once there, they alter the activities of the organ or regulate the production of other hormones.
Hormones aid in determining an animal behavior patterns and also the probability that a particular behavior will occur. Hormones exert substantial control over the following behavior patterns: parental care, territorial behavior, metamorphosis (in insects), foraging behavior, and circadian rhythms (behavior patterns that always occur at the same time each day). Most hormones fall into two main categories: peptides (chains of amino acids) and lipids (which include steroids).

The Endocrine System

The endocrine system produces many hormones. The major endocrine glands are the pituitary, located at the base of the brain, the thyroid and the parathyroid in the neck, and the pancreas, adrenals, and gonads (reproductive glands) in the torso. Hormones are also produced by the stomach, the small intestine, and the kidneys.

The Pituitary Gland
The tiny pituitary gland was once considered to be the "master gland" of the body. Today, scientists realize that the hypothalamus modulates the activities of the pituitary. The pituitary gland is composed of two lobes, the anterior pituitary and the posterior pituitary. The anterior pituitary produces six major hormones, and the posterior pituitary stores two hormones originating in the hypothalamus. The pituitary's target endocrine glands are the thyroid, adrenal gland, and the gonads. Through these glands it controls the growth of the skeleton and regulates the functions of the thyroid and the gonads. One pituitary hormone, called growth hormone, must be secreted in just the right amount for normal growth in childhood. If too little is produced, the child will become a dwarf; if too much is secreted, the child will grow to be a giant.

Thyroid Hormones
Thyroid hormones stimulates oxygen consumption and metabolism, regulating the growth of body tissues and the rate at which food is burned to provide body energy. They also increase the sensitivity of some organs, especially the central nervous system. If the thyroid becomes overactive, it produces a condition called hyperthyroidism, which causes nervousness and irritability. Another thyroid condition, cretinism, is caused by a congenital lack of thyroid secretion. It is marked by greatly stunted physical and mental growth.

Insulin and Glucagon
The pancreas produces two important hormones, insulin and glucagon. Insulin affects most cells in the body because it is involved in the metabolism of carbohydrates, proteins, and fat. Too little insulin results in diabetes, a condition of high levels of blood sugar resulting in weakness and dehydration. Too much insulin causes very low levels of blood sugar, resulting in weakness, anxiety, and convulsions. Glucagon raises the blood sugar level. Together, insulin and glucagon help keep a normal level of glucose in the blood.

Adrenal Glands and Gonads
Hormones in the adrenal glands control the concentration of salts and water in body fluids and are necessary for maintaining life. They also produce sugar from proteins and store it in the liver to help maintain resistance to physical and emotional stress.

Hormones found in the gonads control sexual development and reproductive processes. A fetus's sex is determined by genetics, but certain hormones produced by the gonads (under the influence of the pituitary gland) must be present for the fetus to develop appropriate sex organs.

Early Discoveries
The term hormone (from the Greek for "to spur on") was first used by the British biochemists William Bayliss and Emest Starling in 1904. The duo coined the term to describe the action of a digestive substance they had isolated called secretin, which stimulates the flow of pancreatic juice. Scientists later realized that the first hormone to have actually been isolated and synthesized (artificially created) was the adrenal hormone epinephrine, identified by Japanese American chemist Jokichi Takemine in 1901.

Beef insulin hormone. Most hormones fall into two main categories called peptides and lipids.

The isolation of the thyroid hormone thyroxine in 1914 by American biochemist Edward Kendall marked another important milestone in understanding how hormones work. Too much or too little thyroxine can cause illness. One of the earliest thyroid disorders diagnosed was Graves' disease (a disease of the thyroid gland resulting in increased size and activity of the gland). Its cause is unknown, but it is believed to be an autoimmune disorder, and it occurs most often in women. Graves' disease often results in bulging eyes, tachycardia (fast and irregular heartbeat), and thickening of the skin.

One of the most well known developments in endocrinology was the isolation of insulin by the Canadian physicians Frederick Banting and Charles Best in 1921. Soon various types of injectable insulin were being used to treat diabetes.

The 1920s also saw the discovery that the pituitary gland stimulates the sex organs and the introduction (in 1928) of the first pregnancy test. Soon after, the relationship between female sex hormones and the menstrual cycle was explained. Working from this relationship, Gregory Pincus would introduce the first oral contraceptives in the 1950s.

In the 1920s and 1930s it was also learned that the adrenal glands contain hormones that control the concentration of salts and water in body fluids and are essential for maintaining life. Adrenal hormones are also essential for sugar and protein formation and storage in the liver. They also help resist physical and emotional stresses In the 1930s, Kendall and the Swiss chemist Tadeus Reichstein both isolated one of these hormones, cortisone, which is a steroid.

American researcher Philip Hench used cortisone to reduce inflammation in rheumatoid arthritis and other connective tissue diseases in the 1940s, making cortisone the first hormone to be used medically.

Synthetic Hormones
Scientists eventually learned to make some hormones in the laboratory. Vincent Du Vigneaud, an American biochemist, synthesized the small pituitary hormone oxytocin, which regulates milk production in the mammary glands and causes uterine contractions. This led to the synthesis of many larger and more complex hormones for medical purposes.

Today, hormone production can be automated, yielding a great deal of synthetic hormone at a rapid rate to meet increasing medical demands. Patients with hormone deficiencies can often be treated effectively with these artificial hormones. Diabetics, for example, receive insulin. Patients suffering from dwarfism are given human growth hormone. Oral contraception combines the use of estrogen and progesterone to prevent ovulation and thus pregnancy. Hormones are also used to treat infertility.

Fascinated, wowed, amazed, stupefied, inspired
Bliss
X





 

Pippi

I spoke with Pippi. I am not gong to visit SL for the foreseeable future. So tonight I went for one last time to give her all the silly things I have and the LM's of the lovely places I have been. I met Pippi and her friend. I gave them some playful things and LM's, one last parachute off the Eifel Tower, had one last bounce on the trampoline and fired myself from the canon and said goodbye. It was funny because her friend said I was like a fairy Godmother giving them lots of gifts and taking them to magical places and then leaving never to be seen again. That made me smile and felt nice. I really enjoyed this little time with them, playing and giggling. I have never done that in SL before. What a great couple of people. I am glad to have met them. I will have contact as before with CD and I am glad of our curious friendship. How wodnerful to be bourhgt together through the mystery of the Internet.

It was a good farewell for me. A nice ending - no darkness just light and creativity. SL end for me.
I had hoped to locate the psychologist at the University there but it wasn't to be and so I could contact him via the OU anyway. But I haven't really got time anymore for personal interest research. Study study study my priority!!

I have JH on my mind all the time and want to be loyal to him as my friend. I have no desires for another Master or meeting another man. I love him. And the transition to friends is really important to me. I enjoy JH and it's good not to have all the insecurities we create in each other when we are just moseying along together - easy peasy.

I have started opening my books and looking at the DVDs for my course. Fascinating. I think I need some help putting a timetable together. Time to study, time to work, time for relaxation, time for friends. How on earth will I do this. Universe please show me how??????

The doc was really nice. I hadn't met her before. I gave her a long list of symptoms. She is also in menopause and said that a lot of the symptoms are familiar with menopause. She also can't take HRT so referred me to a reliable website to have a read of helpful tips. I ignored this so far today.

http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/

Anyhow she wants to repeat some blood tests as there were some last Aug that were on the low end of OK and its apparently important to check as in menopause changes can be fast and often symptoms are overlooked assuming everything is menopause.So a load of blood to be taken and after a 12 hour fast too. Poo.
I just feel generally unwell. Tired and absolutely no energy. I really find this very frustrating. Walking today was truly hard work. I would be miserable if walking was taken from me. I love walking, being out with the wind and the rain and the sunshine and the frost and the views and the dogs and the freedom of space. Wind in my hair, air on my skin. I could not bear life without walking. If this were a horror story then my worst nightmares would be easy to haunt me with ..... :)

It's late now = going to sleep.
Missing JH. It surely will get easier. Won't it?????

Goodnight
Bliss
XXX