Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
I am feeling hungry yet I know I've had enough food, the same food I've had every other day. I am very tired so this is probably contributing to the the hunger. But I wonder what's going on underneath the surface. Also I'm feeling lonely. I have been thinking about choices I've made in the past. I chose not to have children and that meant some radical subsequent choices. Horrible choices for which I feel disgust as well as sadness. It is too difficult for me to fully own right now. I have a lot of healing to do but first some admitting to do. I am not ready to do that here yet.
I do realise that there are still many things that when I think about them I detach. I feel nothing and yet I know there are feelings to feel. It's quite amazing to observe the detachment. It leaves a real vacuum. It's something I would like not to happen. I understand however that it was a mechanism that has been a protector from a very young age. The more abstinent I've become the more obvious the detachment from feelings is. Or maybe the more it's had to come into operation because I don't even have food to keep me separated from my emotions. I hope that I won't need to do this so much. I know it's probably an essential tool. We are remarkable in that there is a filter so that we are not overloaded. However there is also the inability to let the filter filter adequately enough there there isn't a total disconnect.
It is so revealing to get greater clarity on such a phenomenon.
This evening my dad called. You know I would have been writing that with a feeling of gloom not so many months ago. Today I write it with a different feel about it. I was very tired when I picked up his call. And he called to enquire if I'd received his card. I had and thanked him for his very generous cheque and the £10 too. I also said it was a lovely card and thanked him again before putting the phone down. I was able to tell him that I'm not eating out at the moment (day 8 of 90). He thinks it's a diet and I didn't think it would be of any use to him for me to try and explain. I know and that's enough. Perhaps he would understand but somehow it seems unimportant to try. All that matters is that I informed him of my situation. He doesn't know yet at what time we could meet. I hope he will meet me but perhaps it's not convenient for him. I seem to think he has a lot of negotiating around his wife. I did apologise for not sounding lively and that I was feeling tired. He wondered if I would be doing anything tomorrow. It's a day as normal. Working even with a 1:1 after the usual hours. All extra income with increasing costs. I feel very glad to have this potential to earn some extras whilst also supporting people in their journey to bringing about change. That's a privilege.
All in all it was a cheerful call on my behalf with my dad. This is a light relief after all the years of angst and battling. He must find it very strange. If I were at Step 9, there are things I would take ownership of and say how sorry I am. Instead I am putting action in to be different. I'm sure he must feel uncertain about this as I've tried being "good two shoes" before on different occasions. So now it's about consistency. I am showing up and being cheerful. I am listening to him and not argumentative. I am understanding where there is a misunderstanding of me. I do not need to try and make him understand or see me. He seems to find me so very different from him and that's OK. And yet there are so many similarities no doubt. I no longer need to impose myself on him to feel acceptable. I am getting that from deeper within me. I am understood and loved by my HP. What more do I need? Nothing.
Gosh how far I've come along this part of the road.
Lonely? Sometimes yes I am. Overall though my days are very busy. I really enjoy time alone. It's calm and I have so much to sit and enjoy by myself. I also love being with people. I am interested in people. I just would like to practice listening to others more rather than talking out my versions of their idea. I don't really do that at all. But being interested in people means me spending more time getting clarity on their thoughts and feelings rather than the other way around. What really makes people tick? And as I'm really quite close with some people how do I get to listen and know more? Listen I suppose.
Angry? Actually no. There is frustration. I'm not sure why that popped up. Frustration with people who in my opinion don;t have the clarity they think they have. It's their business and in the spirit of my passion I can simply listen and reflect. Somethings are just a trigger. I can let go and maintain my serenity and grace.
What a gift of learning. I will talk it through with my sponsor no doubt if it enters my thoughts in the morning.
Tired? Yes I truly am. And no wonder, I'm going to bed later than is good for me. So I'm going off to bed now.
I have still to write about the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican and now Gillian Wearing's exhibition at Whitechapel Gallery. Oh and the Art Car Boot Sale, and strolling along Brick Lane.
All these little adventures I have and scenes of people living that I see.
Marvellous
Bliss
X
I am feeling hungry yet I know I've had enough food, the same food I've had every other day. I am very tired so this is probably contributing to the the hunger. But I wonder what's going on underneath the surface. Also I'm feeling lonely. I have been thinking about choices I've made in the past. I chose not to have children and that meant some radical subsequent choices. Horrible choices for which I feel disgust as well as sadness. It is too difficult for me to fully own right now. I have a lot of healing to do but first some admitting to do. I am not ready to do that here yet.
I do realise that there are still many things that when I think about them I detach. I feel nothing and yet I know there are feelings to feel. It's quite amazing to observe the detachment. It leaves a real vacuum. It's something I would like not to happen. I understand however that it was a mechanism that has been a protector from a very young age. The more abstinent I've become the more obvious the detachment from feelings is. Or maybe the more it's had to come into operation because I don't even have food to keep me separated from my emotions. I hope that I won't need to do this so much. I know it's probably an essential tool. We are remarkable in that there is a filter so that we are not overloaded. However there is also the inability to let the filter filter adequately enough there there isn't a total disconnect.
It is so revealing to get greater clarity on such a phenomenon.
This evening my dad called. You know I would have been writing that with a feeling of gloom not so many months ago. Today I write it with a different feel about it. I was very tired when I picked up his call. And he called to enquire if I'd received his card. I had and thanked him for his very generous cheque and the £10 too. I also said it was a lovely card and thanked him again before putting the phone down. I was able to tell him that I'm not eating out at the moment (day 8 of 90). He thinks it's a diet and I didn't think it would be of any use to him for me to try and explain. I know and that's enough. Perhaps he would understand but somehow it seems unimportant to try. All that matters is that I informed him of my situation. He doesn't know yet at what time we could meet. I hope he will meet me but perhaps it's not convenient for him. I seem to think he has a lot of negotiating around his wife. I did apologise for not sounding lively and that I was feeling tired. He wondered if I would be doing anything tomorrow. It's a day as normal. Working even with a 1:1 after the usual hours. All extra income with increasing costs. I feel very glad to have this potential to earn some extras whilst also supporting people in their journey to bringing about change. That's a privilege.
All in all it was a cheerful call on my behalf with my dad. This is a light relief after all the years of angst and battling. He must find it very strange. If I were at Step 9, there are things I would take ownership of and say how sorry I am. Instead I am putting action in to be different. I'm sure he must feel uncertain about this as I've tried being "good two shoes" before on different occasions. So now it's about consistency. I am showing up and being cheerful. I am listening to him and not argumentative. I am understanding where there is a misunderstanding of me. I do not need to try and make him understand or see me. He seems to find me so very different from him and that's OK. And yet there are so many similarities no doubt. I no longer need to impose myself on him to feel acceptable. I am getting that from deeper within me. I am understood and loved by my HP. What more do I need? Nothing.
Gosh how far I've come along this part of the road.
Lonely? Sometimes yes I am. Overall though my days are very busy. I really enjoy time alone. It's calm and I have so much to sit and enjoy by myself. I also love being with people. I am interested in people. I just would like to practice listening to others more rather than talking out my versions of their idea. I don't really do that at all. But being interested in people means me spending more time getting clarity on their thoughts and feelings rather than the other way around. What really makes people tick? And as I'm really quite close with some people how do I get to listen and know more? Listen I suppose.
Angry? Actually no. There is frustration. I'm not sure why that popped up. Frustration with people who in my opinion don;t have the clarity they think they have. It's their business and in the spirit of my passion I can simply listen and reflect. Somethings are just a trigger. I can let go and maintain my serenity and grace.
What a gift of learning. I will talk it through with my sponsor no doubt if it enters my thoughts in the morning.
Tired? Yes I truly am. And no wonder, I'm going to bed later than is good for me. So I'm going off to bed now.
I have still to write about the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican and now Gillian Wearing's exhibition at Whitechapel Gallery. Oh and the Art Car Boot Sale, and strolling along Brick Lane.
All these little adventures I have and scenes of people living that I see.
Marvellous
Bliss
X
