I have had a period of time now when I've been having vivd dreams. In the early hours today I was dreaming vividly but can only remember parts now.
A man (not familiar) was sinister. He was wearing a black mac and I think it had some tears in it. He was basially holding me hostage with a need for me to reveal or do some bad things. My partner was with me, whoever he was. I didn't ever see his face. We had a group of people ith us whom I was feeling responsible for and attempting to not lead into the danger. I kept losing my phone. I was anzious every time but then it would turn up thank goodness. It as key to keeping in contact with this man as he drove us all in this estate car, a BMW, lots of us which dream-like meant we all fitted in of course. I felt a lot of anxiety in this dream and angst about the regular loss of my phone. Fear.
This week I have had a feeling of being detached from myself and the world. I haven't got a connection with my emotions fully. I notice it faster in my work when sudenly I am less astute, less aware of emotions in myself which are the instinct with which I work a lot. I always think it would be so misunderstood if I tell people that I work more with instinct than anything esle. But instinct doesn't mean I make presumptions. It simply triggers me to be able to enquire about something I may or may not have picked up correctly.
What a lazy morning I've been having. I woke at 6 am and then took my morning calls whilst in bed. They didn;t know that of course. A long call from T who asked an interesting question about the spiritual path I'm on and what spirituality is to me. There are no words to describe the feeing I get but we have words such as gratitude. I feel connectivity and unity and enormity. I see how the only ting that keeps me from "using", alcohol, drugs, men, food for example, is the connection that I feel with my sense of Higher Power. This term or the word God in itself do not feel right enough to even begin to exemplify what my Highr Power is.
And I was able to express how I cannot enjoy religion because it tells me HOW I am meant to believe, that's my imprssion at least. Even as I write that I can see how there are some people who TELL and it's not what relligion sets out to do. I think the stories in the Bible are ways of putting across these feelings, these experiences that are difficult to express clearly because they are for me deep feelings and not something easily translated through words. I feel that the Universe and I are one, that there is no end yet I am limited by my humanness and within that it's just a journey of experiences to learn and grwo thurhg towards a sense of knowig and connectivity and total compassion. And ith that comes a sense of serenity. Something I do get to feel from time to time, contentment.
I got on a bit of a roll. Oops.
I noticced how cotrolling my ego was again last evening. I have this sense of being the longest serving abstainee at the Firday evening meeting. And with it this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep the meeting going. I don't want to tak to my sponsor abut it as I am sure she will tell me to be less involved with AA and I don't want to let go. I have to talk to her about all of this.
Anyhow last evening when announcing that we have service positions available and L proposed herself to be secretary I suggested that it's a 6 month service rather than what has been a 4 week service. I didn;t take it to a conscience meeting because I would just like there to be some people who commit to the meeting in the same way I do.
We had a newcomer brought to the meeting by C. It was so opportune that we went together to Midhurst on Tuesday and B there was deighted to see a young woman - C is in her early 20's. She asked me if she should offer her number for him to pass on to this other young woman who was finding it quite tricky at the moment. So C spoke with her and brought her to the meeting last night. How amazing. And E mentioned C in her share. I could see how uncomfortable C was.
For me it as just lovely to observe. C is just a wondereful person. She asked R for a lift home. I thought it intersting that R turned up. I know that R has indiciated that she is jealous via AB that I spend time with her sponsee. Ad I felt a tinge of jealousy last evening. I want to tbe the one that is the shining light
EGO EGO EGO - have to laugh at myself. Thank goodness I'm aware and I can tame the ego and act graciously and supportively and lovingly regardless of my needy ego.
This evening I am secretary and have invited a lady, V, to do the chair. I heard her briefyly share at the Guikldford Sunday on another AA adventure C and I went on. I got 2 numbers ffrom that meeting. I have just one so far from Midhurst. I intend to return to get more. It's just bringing in new faces and generates a sense of new versions of the same messages. I hope it will grow the meeting slightly as otherwise it can become quite staid I think. So much ego in that?
I don't think my nutrient homeostasis has quite adjusted to the clock change yet. A fee times I've noticed I am hungry by this time, it's about 11:45 and through the week I generally eat abut 12:45. The clocks went back last weekend and I am feeing hungry still an hour before the clocks denote I should be. Ha! It never ceases to amaze me just how manmade time is and yet there is this timeliness within us. Sleep time, wake time, eating times. They all b ecome a pattern. Dogs too. IS there a change in the environment as well that combines with internalised patterns?
I received this message from The Universe ....
Generally, Bliss, people with the same information make similar decisions, leading to unity, camaraderie, and coordinated successes.
Which has profound implications for life on earth, in the 'hood, and at home.
Smooth,
The Universe
I replied thus:
Of curse I haven't received a reply. I guess I don't want a reply other than an agreement. But actually I would be open for the debate as well.
My mind is opening more and more. I see less that there is a right or wrong way and practice more too not to condemn because of differences but to note differences as they are certainly there but meet as equals amidst the difference.
I really do have a lot of practice with this at work when I am comparing and measuring myself against PD all the time. With his manner usually I am superior, i.e. I don't like his style of therapy. I find him so very controlling. And yet he also has insight. He tells rather than asks. Yet he thinks he is suggesting.
I worry! I get to feel really uncomfortable with this complete contradiction that he states "we do not tell anyone what to do, merely make suggestions". He makes suggestions and there is an expectation that goes with it. I see the pattern in myself and I don't know but believe that clients will too. Yet they love him. PD can be so giving and cares. I think there is a real clash of desires when he wants the business to grow and we need ckients and income and yet there is also a need for people to go on.
I had a sense that one of the clients had possibly used over the night before. He was suddenly very different. He claimed just to be tired and facing a reality suddenly of the abstinence. But his behaviours and red eyes and red face suggested to me that something else has happened. I wonder if he would come clean and honest if he had. He wants extra days of treatment. I wonder?
So it's lunchtime and then this afternoon I am walking with AB. I could easily not but I want to do that as a friend.
I want to but don;t want to pay something to AB for her looing after LouLou. I can't afford much and hoped that what I offered wasn't an insult as it certainly isn;t enough for the amount of time she looks after LouLou.
I will ask her today for her account nmber and simply direct debit the amount in each month.
I am stuck in regrets. Regret that my mum isn't arund to meet the different me. And regret that I kept my dad out. He surely wouldn't have let me but I could have let him in. If ony I had been able to.
Bliss
XX
A man (not familiar) was sinister. He was wearing a black mac and I think it had some tears in it. He was basially holding me hostage with a need for me to reveal or do some bad things. My partner was with me, whoever he was. I didn't ever see his face. We had a group of people ith us whom I was feeling responsible for and attempting to not lead into the danger. I kept losing my phone. I was anzious every time but then it would turn up thank goodness. It as key to keeping in contact with this man as he drove us all in this estate car, a BMW, lots of us which dream-like meant we all fitted in of course. I felt a lot of anxiety in this dream and angst about the regular loss of my phone. Fear.
This week I have had a feeling of being detached from myself and the world. I haven't got a connection with my emotions fully. I notice it faster in my work when sudenly I am less astute, less aware of emotions in myself which are the instinct with which I work a lot. I always think it would be so misunderstood if I tell people that I work more with instinct than anything esle. But instinct doesn't mean I make presumptions. It simply triggers me to be able to enquire about something I may or may not have picked up correctly.
What a lazy morning I've been having. I woke at 6 am and then took my morning calls whilst in bed. They didn;t know that of course. A long call from T who asked an interesting question about the spiritual path I'm on and what spirituality is to me. There are no words to describe the feeing I get but we have words such as gratitude. I feel connectivity and unity and enormity. I see how the only ting that keeps me from "using", alcohol, drugs, men, food for example, is the connection that I feel with my sense of Higher Power. This term or the word God in itself do not feel right enough to even begin to exemplify what my Highr Power is.
And I was able to express how I cannot enjoy religion because it tells me HOW I am meant to believe, that's my imprssion at least. Even as I write that I can see how there are some people who TELL and it's not what relligion sets out to do. I think the stories in the Bible are ways of putting across these feelings, these experiences that are difficult to express clearly because they are for me deep feelings and not something easily translated through words. I feel that the Universe and I are one, that there is no end yet I am limited by my humanness and within that it's just a journey of experiences to learn and grwo thurhg towards a sense of knowig and connectivity and total compassion. And ith that comes a sense of serenity. Something I do get to feel from time to time, contentment.
I got on a bit of a roll. Oops.
I noticced how cotrolling my ego was again last evening. I have this sense of being the longest serving abstainee at the Firday evening meeting. And with it this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep the meeting going. I don't want to tak to my sponsor abut it as I am sure she will tell me to be less involved with AA and I don't want to let go. I have to talk to her about all of this.
Anyhow last evening when announcing that we have service positions available and L proposed herself to be secretary I suggested that it's a 6 month service rather than what has been a 4 week service. I didn;t take it to a conscience meeting because I would just like there to be some people who commit to the meeting in the same way I do.
We had a newcomer brought to the meeting by C. It was so opportune that we went together to Midhurst on Tuesday and B there was deighted to see a young woman - C is in her early 20's. She asked me if she should offer her number for him to pass on to this other young woman who was finding it quite tricky at the moment. So C spoke with her and brought her to the meeting last night. How amazing. And E mentioned C in her share. I could see how uncomfortable C was.
For me it as just lovely to observe. C is just a wondereful person. She asked R for a lift home. I thought it intersting that R turned up. I know that R has indiciated that she is jealous via AB that I spend time with her sponsee. Ad I felt a tinge of jealousy last evening. I want to tbe the one that is the shining light
EGO EGO EGO - have to laugh at myself. Thank goodness I'm aware and I can tame the ego and act graciously and supportively and lovingly regardless of my needy ego.
This evening I am secretary and have invited a lady, V, to do the chair. I heard her briefyly share at the Guikldford Sunday on another AA adventure C and I went on. I got 2 numbers ffrom that meeting. I have just one so far from Midhurst. I intend to return to get more. It's just bringing in new faces and generates a sense of new versions of the same messages. I hope it will grow the meeting slightly as otherwise it can become quite staid I think. So much ego in that?
I don't think my nutrient homeostasis has quite adjusted to the clock change yet. A fee times I've noticed I am hungry by this time, it's about 11:45 and through the week I generally eat abut 12:45. The clocks went back last weekend and I am feeing hungry still an hour before the clocks denote I should be. Ha! It never ceases to amaze me just how manmade time is and yet there is this timeliness within us. Sleep time, wake time, eating times. They all b ecome a pattern. Dogs too. IS there a change in the environment as well that combines with internalised patterns?
I received this message from The Universe ....
Generally, Bliss, people with the same information make similar decisions, leading to unity, camaraderie, and coordinated successes.
Which has profound implications for life on earth, in the 'hood, and at home.
Smooth,
The Universe
I replied thus:
I agree - fellowship and like-mindedness is helpful and useful
But I also wonder about bringing in newness and differences because otherwise things can become staid and decisions can be based on tradition rather than wise decisions.
Sometimes we have to listen to instinct even when it goes against the norm.
How does that fit in do you think?
Of curse I haven't received a reply. I guess I don't want a reply other than an agreement. But actually I would be open for the debate as well.
My mind is opening more and more. I see less that there is a right or wrong way and practice more too not to condemn because of differences but to note differences as they are certainly there but meet as equals amidst the difference.
I really do have a lot of practice with this at work when I am comparing and measuring myself against PD all the time. With his manner usually I am superior, i.e. I don't like his style of therapy. I find him so very controlling. And yet he also has insight. He tells rather than asks. Yet he thinks he is suggesting.
I worry! I get to feel really uncomfortable with this complete contradiction that he states "we do not tell anyone what to do, merely make suggestions". He makes suggestions and there is an expectation that goes with it. I see the pattern in myself and I don't know but believe that clients will too. Yet they love him. PD can be so giving and cares. I think there is a real clash of desires when he wants the business to grow and we need ckients and income and yet there is also a need for people to go on.
I had a sense that one of the clients had possibly used over the night before. He was suddenly very different. He claimed just to be tired and facing a reality suddenly of the abstinence. But his behaviours and red eyes and red face suggested to me that something else has happened. I wonder if he would come clean and honest if he had. He wants extra days of treatment. I wonder?
So it's lunchtime and then this afternoon I am walking with AB. I could easily not but I want to do that as a friend.
I want to but don;t want to pay something to AB for her looing after LouLou. I can't afford much and hoped that what I offered wasn't an insult as it certainly isn;t enough for the amount of time she looks after LouLou.
I will ask her today for her account nmber and simply direct debit the amount in each month.
I am stuck in regrets. Regret that my mum isn't arund to meet the different me. And regret that I kept my dad out. He surely wouldn't have let me but I could have let him in. If ony I had been able to.
Bliss
XX
