TUT says that uncertainty is beguiling. It's funny because I used to thrive on uncertainty and when things became certain I would shake things up. Yet the uncertainty is also frightening and that's because of a lack of faith. I am really trying to practice my faith right now having been through a very difficult emotional time. I didn't like the chaos I felt and the trauma I go into. The uncertainty is always beguiling if I hold onto faith.
What I was talking about with ML the other evening is how she and I are similar in that we have not had a lifetime's experience - people, place or things. We have had a lifetime of experiences. And maybe that's our journey, nothing staying the same. In fact despite thinking I want that every time things have stood still is when things need shaking up.
I realised with SH that the relationship was changing and I was trying to change with it. SH seemed to want me to stay how I was and was not dealing well with me having new and different interests and he had no faith in me. With JH it was different. There was no stability in him. I am not having a dig at him. JH was not able to be honest with me or indeed others, therefore it was difficult to put trust in him. It is never possible of course to put 100% trust in a human as we after all human and changeable beings. But I think it is possible to be a dependable and honest type. I haven't been in the past and still hear myself tell white lies - all not really believing I am good enough as I am. Blah blah blah.
Anyway when I have some clarity which I do right now I see that I am fortunate that my life has in some ways suited my personality. It's always been a moving adventure. I would like though to meet someone who wants to be on the moving adventure with me - a companion to laugh smile and trust with. I have great friends to do this with but it's not the same as how I imagine an intimate loving partnership. Maybe I will never know but I have known intimacy and love and friendship. For that I am truly grateful.
I laughed at myself last night in the meeting. The chair was very bombastic (and on the continuum I would say it's the flip side of enthusiasm). He was telling though. HE was saying how he thought the fellowship let him down to begin with because no one grabbed him and started telling him what to do. He was very sharp and critical and then in his chair was telling how to do recovery. I was wriggling in discomfort listening to him, wanting to respond with showing up the differences and show him how wrong he is for me. I knew not to as it was my issue. He was just stating his. But it once again pointed out to me a. how wonderful the fellowship is as there is enough room for all types to be themselves with their own needs and wants. b. that I have this issue with being told.
Sometimes it's as if people talk to me as if I don't know. They assume that if I have a feeling that is one of the say more difficult feelings that I have to get it fixed!! Or they tell me what to do as if intellectually I could never have thought of that. They tell me like I have had no life experience.They tell me like they know what is best for me.
I really gets up nose!
I get very irritated and become stubborn and if its people I know well I become rebellious. That's been in me since a little girl. It's as if they do not listen to me and see me as an individual. They don't enquire about my needs and wants. Ah yes it's more about me changing because it suits their needs and wants.
It's different say with AM. She listens and identifies and suggests things that she has done but also has heard me and my specific situation.
I try to consider this at all times in my work. I am not so good in my private liaisons with friends. I think I tell sometimes what needs to be done. It is difficult too as sometimes its possible to see what others are doing and the pain that is bringing yet there is a way out for them.
This is my codependency. Both being told and telling. Let go!
I did last night. I laughed at myself and if there had been time I would have shared back with that humour. What is lovely about that is that I could see there and then. I didn't have to go away, rant and rave with someone else and be resentful. I was able to see me in the moment - well within the 30 minutes he was sharing. There was another guy who shared really well and funny but boy did he go on meaning there was little time for many other shares and I know two or three people who are harbouring a lot of pain.
Solving Problems - Language of Letting Go
I ask that you might help me work through all my problems, to your Glory and Honour
Many of us livevd in situations where it wasn't OK to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem dosn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is etablishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working throgh problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.
What a great reading. I know people who try to say thatb one is in a higher state of being if everything is looked at calmly. But it seems to me its a way of denyng problems as underneath all sorts of dysfunction is taking palce to try and give the semblance of calm. I knwo others whoa re just drinking the problems away. I get traumatised easily by problems. But this is when my eye is off the focus. I can see that in recent months. I took my focus off recovery and thoght I was all OK. Instyead of turning to recvovery for resourceful problem solving I tried to control it. Yuch - so ugly.
Actually today I do feel calmer and in the day too. I have really found solutions but I needed the support to do it. i used to think that was weakness and at times still do. But actually it's a really lovely feeling to have true serenity.
It helps too that menopausal symptoms have lifted. I think this is a problem for me. And the incredible hormonal shift brings with it a fuzzy head. Clarity of mind fuzzed over from time to time.
OK enough - need tog et ready for work and do a bit of reading. Have a chance to get ahead again as there is a half term week allowed for.
And furthermore I am fascinated by the workings of the body.
Byeeeeee
Bliss
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