Time set aside to share my thoughts and feelings.
Some information here is sexual and explicit in its intention so not suitable for children.
I have copied some art from other places on the internet. No infringement of privacy or theft is intended. I will remove anything immediately if required.
Showing posts with label connecting with the Universe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label connecting with the Universe. Show all posts
Met up with the dearest, little angel over the weekend, Bliss, but she was so, so sad.
She asked, in the sweetest of angel voices, how there can be so much love in the world, yet so few feel it. How there can be so much beauty, yet hardly anyone sees it. And how there can be so many miracles, yet most are ignored.
Poor thing.
So, Pamela, I reminded her of something far more important. I reminded her that whether or not one knows of the love, they are still bathed in it. Whether or not they see the beauty, they still add to it. And whether or not they recognize the miracles, they still perform them, every single day.
I was given this gift this morning, that I can put the meaning into the experiences I have in life. Wow! It blew me away.
It's in relation to having met a man on a flipping online dating site. I am ashamed to admit this. Funnily enough I had met him online once before. He happens to be in AA and so he turned up at a meeting. I was with RB, I was not in FA at the time so feeling awful about myself and assumed that the twinkle he showed was for her. She is a stunner so why not. I was fat and dowdy in my eyes.
Well today I am attractive. I am comfortable being me.
And so with L sending me texts saying that he'd have me for breakfast and saying he bets I'm looking stunning when I am talking about the stunning last slither of the old moon, with Venus shining brightly at the back, I am now chuckling as D from FA said this is what men do. It's natural they test the water, immediately wanting sex. And all I have to do is be me anyway. I was thinking oh noooo. I was feeling disappointed. I was confused as to whether to join in, ignore his comments and then feel disgusted with him. I just didn't know what to do. D from FA has made it all clear. It's just what he does and all I have to do is be me. So I have sent a text acknowledging what he's said and thanking him even though he doesn't even know me. He's not met the real me of today. So how can he know I look stunning from a photo online? Ha ha ha. I said it's utterly delightful that here I am awwwwing about the moon and he wants to eat me for breakfast. How incredibly funny. I ended the text with a kiss. I hope he gets it.
How free I feel. How unshackled. I do not need to be either ashamed or afraid of liking contact with a man and finding out about him. Be me and see if he is special enough for an us. I do not have to think he's special nor him me. Just if the liaison between us is. And if not. No hard feelings. it's all a bit of fun. It doesn't need to be intense.
So thank you God.
I have a strong feeling that PD is acting childishly and spitefully in his insecurity. Now, in general, I find PD to be a generous and kind man with people. He has been generous with me and supportive too. So, it is with this background knowledge through experience that I then doubt what I think I am experiencing now. What am I experiencing now? Well in recent weeks he has blamed me for his insecurity, this is in our field of work. And he has told me to slow down. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of me from my point of view. I am studying and practicing to improve and here is someone telling me not to develop myself because it affects them. It went around and around last time we had clinical supervision and thankfully it was witnessed so that I realised I was not mad. There was no situation for PD other than me not to be me. That cannot happen anymore. And then his other solutions were not possible by his own admission leaving us in a nowhere to go hole!
And now he's taken lectures and workshops off the schedule. He was previously saying that he is feeling left behind on these too. I was so excited about having created them on topics he'd already created his own. I am not a leader of design, I can simply take an idea and make it work for me, adjust it to my way of presenting things. And then in his insecurity he lashes out and punishes by removing it from the curriculum.
Yet he says publicly that I'm the boss and what I say goes. It is so the opposite. Only when he asks does he even take the slightest bit of notice. It's better than it used to be because he does ask. We do things differently, so I try not to be hyper0critical because it's not the way I do things. Instead I try to see the point he is making and whether it does the job according to him. It's not easy though.
I compare myself though and come out as believing I am more self-aware than PD and this always, always precedes a mighty fall! Of the sort than can devastate me. My confidence gets knocked. So, I am attempting to not compare with him and instead be pleased with my increasing self-awareness. Keep the focus on me and what I am or am not doing. I can be super critical of self or super egotistical. The flip side of the same coin.
My part has involved thinking better of myself than PD and feeling critical, which I'm pretty certain he will have picked up on even if it's not clearly evident. I can sense that criticism in others even when it's said with a smile. We are intuitive people, all of us. And listing to those intuitions is important but just as important is what we do with them. I know in my addiction the intuition within me got all muddled up. But now and with time it is becoming more of a guidance. Not that "I KNOW", but there are little signs that I pick up on and need to take heed of and explore.
Mt fear is what holds me back from exploring my intuition. I know that something is going on with PD now. He is trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is. I hear his insecurity and he seems to be attempting to say something but not directly. He seems to be less blaming on the outside but looking for absolutes to explain his behaviour and attitude.
Another thing I have noticed increasingly, is that I react badly to someone telling me how I feel. There is one person, S, in FA who often says you sound angry. I think there is some projection or something going on there. But also I wonder what it is about me that leads her to make this assumption? Yesterday PD said I looked perky. It feels manipulative, as if that's how he wants me to be feeling so if he says it I will be. He couldn't have been further from the truth either. I had been really anti being at work yesterday, feeling tired and really not wanting to engage with him much, drained by what feels like pure stress and heightened control. That's my judgment of things and all I can do is assess how I am rather than pointing fingers at him. So within the situation I noticed I ma less tolerant and really quite critical. I am exhausted and just didn't want to have to deal with it all. This suggests to me I am trying to hard, maybe not setting boundaries and to be honest I am unsure as to what the boundaries are that I need to set.
I became conscious that I often felt manipulated by my dad. He would say and do things in a similar way, telling me how I need to think or what I should say, but not with needs and should, rather telling me that was what I was thinking or about to say. It would cause a reaction then too. I would get infuriated and actually I would explode in one way or another. I would either explode at him trying to break free from what felt like shackles that he put me in. Or I'd break free out of view. I have a strong image of leaving the house, mum and dad's house, driving to the chemist, buying a supply of laxatives and a bottle of diet coke, taking them in the car and then zooming off to London to party in someway with some man or other. Of course, I'd have lied to them saying I needed to get off home now, pleading with good sense, i.e. weather or traffic or an early night before work, when in fact usually my dad would be despairing because I rarely did the sensible thing. They surely would have known too that they were being conned!!
Now with PD I need to discover a way of handling these assumptions he makes without being obstreperous and immediately fighting with the absolute opposite. It doesn't feel good as I become extreme and if he's putting the positive slant then I put the absolute darkest negative, which I hasten t add is an exaggerated version to make my point and regain power of myself. I would like to say something like "oh really, what makes you think that?" But what I really want to get to is what it is he's trying to manipulate and why. How can I find out God what's really going on?
Maybe I can say simply that - you seem to be telling me how you think I am.... nah! Sounds too much like a therapist talking. I need some guidance please God.
I am rather drained and worn down by the interactions. Most of the time now I am aware of his high stress levels and tolerate as a practice. I keep my mouth closed often because to be honest there isn't much to say and anything I could say might be antagonistic in the moment.
I do feel that PD is much more directive with people yet he doesn't think he is. He says he is reflective. It's as if he's changed the meaning of that word to suit what he does rather than change what he does. And it's all well and good observing him in this way but who's observing me without criticism. LK just saw me as a bad practioner and no doubt used my leaving as a great way to tarnish my name amongst those who would listen. And here she is on unexpected annual leave. Due back from a holiday I wonder what will happen next. I wonder if we will know.
I do not think I am all good but I am also no longer dwelling in feeling all bad or high ego. I am open to valued criticism but thgere are some folk who's opinion I value more than others because they see tings without judgment. This is useful lessons
I have had a period of time now when I've been having vivd dreams. In the early hours today I was dreaming vividly but can only remember parts now.
A man (not familiar) was sinister. He was wearing a black mac and I think it had some tears in it. He was basially holding me hostage with a need for me to reveal or do some bad things. My partner was with me, whoever he was. I didn't ever see his face. We had a group of people ith us whom I was feeling responsible for and attempting to not lead into the danger. I kept losing my phone. I was anzious every time but then it would turn up thank goodness. It as key to keeping in contact with this man as he drove us all in this estate car, a BMW, lots of us which dream-like meant we all fitted in of course. I felt a lot of anxiety in this dream and angst about the regular loss of my phone. Fear.
This week I have had a feeling of being detached from myself and the world. I haven't got a connection with my emotions fully. I notice it faster in my work when sudenly I am less astute, less aware of emotions in myself which are the instinct with which I work a lot. I always think it would be so misunderstood if I tell people that I work more with instinct than anything esle. But instinct doesn't mean I make presumptions. It simply triggers me to be able to enquire about something I may or may not have picked up correctly.
What a lazy morning I've been having. I woke at 6 am and then took my morning calls whilst in bed. They didn;t know that of course. A long call from T who asked an interesting question about the spiritual path I'm on and what spirituality is to me. There are no words to describe the feeing I get but we have words such as gratitude. I feel connectivity and unity and enormity. I see how the only ting that keeps me from "using", alcohol, drugs, men, food for example, is the connection that I feel with my sense of Higher Power. This term or the word God in itself do not feel right enough to even begin to exemplify what my Highr Power is.
And I was able to express how I cannot enjoy religion because it tells me HOW I am meant to believe, that's my imprssion at least. Even as I write that I can see how there are some people who TELL and it's not what relligion sets out to do. I think the stories in the Bible are ways of putting across these feelings, these experiences that are difficult to express clearly because they are for me deep feelings and not something easily translated through words. I feel that the Universe and I are one, that there is no end yet I am limited by my humanness and within that it's just a journey of experiences to learn and grwo thurhg towards a sense of knowig and connectivity and total compassion. And ith that comes a sense of serenity. Something I do get to feel from time to time, contentment.
I got on a bit of a roll. Oops.
I noticced how cotrolling my ego was again last evening. I have this sense of being the longest serving abstainee at the Firday evening meeting. And with it this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep the meeting going. I don't want to tak to my sponsor abut it as I am sure she will tell me to be less involved with AA and I don't want to let go. I have to talk to her about all of this.
Anyhow last evening when announcing that we have service positions available and L proposed herself to be secretary I suggested that it's a 6 month service rather than what has been a 4 week service. I didn;t take it to a conscience meeting because I would just like there to be some people who commit to the meeting in the same way I do.
We had a newcomer brought to the meeting by C. It was so opportune that we went together to Midhurst on Tuesday and B there was deighted to see a young woman - C is in her early 20's. She asked me if she should offer her number for him to pass on to this other young woman who was finding it quite tricky at the moment. So C spoke with her and brought her to the meeting last night. How amazing. And E mentioned C in her share. I could see how uncomfortable C was.
For me it as just lovely to observe. C is just a wondereful person. She asked R for a lift home. I thought it intersting that R turned up. I know that R has indiciated that she is jealous via AB that I spend time with her sponsee. Ad I felt a tinge of jealousy last evening. I want to tbe the one that is the shining light
EGO EGO EGO - have to laugh at myself. Thank goodness I'm aware and I can tame the ego and act graciously and supportively and lovingly regardless of my needy ego.
This evening I am secretary and have invited a lady, V, to do the chair. I heard her briefyly share at the Guikldford Sunday on another AA adventure C and I went on. I got 2 numbers ffrom that meeting. I have just one so far from Midhurst. I intend to return to get more. It's just bringing in new faces and generates a sense of new versions of the same messages. I hope it will grow the meeting slightly as otherwise it can become quite staid I think. So much ego in that?
I don't think my nutrient homeostasis has quite adjusted to the clock change yet. A fee times I've noticed I am hungry by this time, it's about 11:45 and through the week I generally eat abut 12:45. The clocks went back last weekend and I am feeing hungry still an hour before the clocks denote I should be. Ha! It never ceases to amaze me just how manmade time is and yet there is this timeliness within us. Sleep time, wake time, eating times. They all b ecome a pattern. Dogs too. IS there a change in the environment as well that combines with internalised patterns?
I received this message from The Universe .... Generally, Bliss, people with the same information make similar decisions, leading to unity, camaraderie, and coordinated successes.
Which has profound implications for life on earth, in the 'hood, and at home.
Smooth, The Universe
I replied thus:
I agree - fellowship and like-mindedness is helpful and useful
But I also wonder about bringing in newness and differences because otherwise things can become staid and decisions can be based on tradition rather than wise decisions.
Sometimes we have to listen to instinct even when it goes against the norm.
How does that fit in do you think?
Of curse I haven't received a reply. I guess I don't want a reply other than an agreement. But actually I would be open for the debate as well.
My mind is opening more and more. I see less that there is a right or wrong way and practice more too not to condemn because of differences but to note differences as they are certainly there but meet as equals amidst the difference.
I really do have a lot of practice with this at work when I am comparing and measuring myself against PD all the time. With his manner usually I am superior, i.e. I don't like his style of therapy. I find him so very controlling. And yet he also has insight. He tells rather than asks. Yet he thinks he is suggesting.
I worry! I get to feel really uncomfortable with this complete contradiction that he states "we do not tell anyone what to do, merely make suggestions". He makes suggestions and there is an expectation that goes with it. I see the pattern in myself and I don't know but believe that clients will too. Yet they love him. PD can be so giving and cares. I think there is a real clash of desires when he wants the business to grow and we need ckients and income and yet there is also a need for people to go on.
I had a sense that one of the clients had possibly used over the night before. He was suddenly very different. He claimed just to be tired and facing a reality suddenly of the abstinence. But his behaviours and red eyes and red face suggested to me that something else has happened. I wonder if he would come clean and honest if he had. He wants extra days of treatment. I wonder?
So it's lunchtime and then this afternoon I am walking with AB. I could easily not but I want to do that as a friend.
I want to but don;t want to pay something to AB for her looing after LouLou. I can't afford much and hoped that what I offered wasn't an insult as it certainly isn;t enough for the amount of time she looks after LouLou.
I will ask her today for her account nmber and simply direct debit the amount in each month.
I am stuck in regrets. Regret that my mum isn't arund to meet the different me. And regret that I kept my dad out. He surely wouldn't have let me but I could have let him in. If ony I had been able to.
If someone behaves negatively towards you, it helps to remember that he or she is a human being like you and to distinguish between an action and the person who does it. If counter measures are needed to prevent someone doing harm, it's always better to do it with a calm rather than an agitated mind. If you act out of anger, the best part of your brain fails to function. Remember, compassion is not a sign of weakness.
This is something I need to remember and practice. Often I simply need to keep my mouth closed and observe. I often become the spokesman when I see someone attacking someone else. And in turn I become the target. I think there is a different way. I have a great example of doing this. Last year, around January or February 2012 LK was going off for some days and SH was insisting that we need cover in her absence. I didn't agree actually. But I saw a battle going on with a woman who simply wasn't listening to her staff member. I had already had enough dealings with her to know that she was bloody minded and a bully. Although I find it difficult to determine bullying. But something in me became the protector so inside I felt that SH was being bullied. I started speaking out about needed cover despite me thinking that SH was worrying too much. So LK did listen to me and went and insisted we had cover. That cover was PD. He questioned immediately why we had cover. I didn't own the fact that I ha insisted and incidentally neither did SH. PD went straight off and complained to the manager. On LK's return she got into trouble and in turn came to the office asking why this had happened. She had indeed acted in good faith on my say-so. I didn't own it even then. The superhero turns coward.
As a result and rightly so LK could not trust me. I understand that. And that was embedded into her from that moment on. Then everything became a battle and she wasn't ever going to listen to me.
As time went on I kept practising keeping y mouth shut. I do not need t be the hero and defender. But there is a fine line. Knowing when to observe and when it's appropriate to step in. IN that case I can see the drives; my dislike for LK being one of the biggest motivators. But also I do always get this sense that I need to stand against the apparent super power even when I don't believe in the cause. I think this is the part of me that cannot stand up for myself, not wanting to see someone being persecuted. It's the injustice and in my powerlessness I "big-up" but really it's falsely harnessing rage.
It's not courage.
The courage would be in observing and mindfully deciding on what needs to be done. IN that particular circumstance I know that SH is perfectly capable of standing up for herself and in fact I would have been better off either keeping quiet or speaking my own truth, i.e. that we would be fine with a proviso that if it was becoming unmanageable we could call upon PD for cover. We would have been just fine.
But there are times when people do need defending. Ad it's on those occasions I am afraid and don;t have courage. It's not rage I harness but quiver int he fear. It's in those times that I need to embrace my HP and ask for the strength and guidance to do whatever is necessary.
Lots to learn
However, this is slightly off topic although involves the concept of listening to the message not identifying it with the messenger. Sort of anyway.
Do I have an example of this recently. I do it all the time, making judgements on people and theroefore make assumptions about what is being said. If I like someone they could say the same as someone I don;t like but I'd have a different attitude between them. That's why I like the 12th Tradition with the idea of principles not personalities. Listen to what's being said, hav compassion for every human being. Understand that my intolerance or impatiene is mine mot anythign to do with them#I have been having difficulties for esample with A who makes serious judgements about a meeting I attend regularly. She doesn't agree with the way it runs. I don't like the way she operates and find her bullying in her manner. Hmm there's a connection. Anyway as a result I do not value anything she contributes. I listen to her with a cynicism. And I have listend to gossip about her because it adds fuel to my already cynical thoughts about her.
And so I need to simply observe and not be stand offish or rude. I can engage removing preconceptions and negative judgements. Love her for who she is. Hearing a aprt of her story I can understand there are influences that have left her vulnerable. And I feel for her on that level.
I need to keep remembering to put aside gossip I've heard although I find that difficult. The fact that there are diffrences in our approach to things adds to the colour of life. There is not ONE way and certainly not my way is THE way. Things do work for me but there's lots of things that are not working and need more input on my part. Studying comes to mind again!
I am imperfect and that's all that metters not enayone else's imperfections. I even imagine that she is out to destroy the meeting, reading further into her comment that there are too many meetings anyway and that's why some are failing. It may be true. But all the time there one or two of us wanting to attend then it can keep going. If that doesn't happen, well so be it. Just ebcause she doesn't like it doesn't meant o say that others of us don't.
I will try and find someone to do a chair there and I will attend the Intergroup as GSR until we get some people with recovery who would like to take on commitments. If L wats to do teas and coffess that'll be a great start as she's friendly and warm. If J needs to keep attending well so be it for the time being. Maybe some time he'll move on from the women's meeting. In the meantime it's great that he's attending a meeting. For the new newcomer she doesn't know any different and isn't complaining. It;s only those of us that want it to be all women that klnow any difference coz it's been singel sex for the majority of the time.
So thre we are . It's not just about a she it about groups and things and anything. Things are just the way they are. Perhaps there are situations when I have to assert myself to ensure there is no harm but it's discerning when that is. If I am boudnried then nothing can harm me because I'll be looking after me and show people that they too can look after themselves. I can be oer protective. I want to rescue because I am actually rescuing myself, the child within me who still feels dreadfully scared and alone. I am not alone I have adult me and my HP. HP please guide me and give me strength. Thank you.
Then L called. Gosh I could relate to her too. She too was worrying about her sisters state of mind, her mum's health and feeling self-centred and selfish wanting or needing emotional support from them. She is working on Step 4 on her AWOL. And to be honest I really could relate to being right in the Step 4 and everything feeling so flipping difficult. When I was working on Step 4 my dad was dying and there I was trying to look at my part in my resentment. I felt so bloody resentful and angry. Yet was giving myself such a hard time. Tying to keep the focus on me meant I was taking on EVERYTHING as my fault. I was to blame and yet I didn't feel to blame all at the same time. It was so so challenging a time for me. I think to some degree I am still stuck in step 6/7 which is when I left the AWOL because I relapsed. I hadn't really fully grasped the responsibility for the bad feeling I had caused my dad and my mum come to that. And since then it's been sinking in and feeling heavy at times. I feel awful for the irresponsibility of my decisions in the name of wanting hedonism. Hedonism came in the shape of wanting parties and men and drink and just a good time all the time. I didn't want what felt like the shackles of responsibility such as financial commitments. I thought my parents were simply boring and trying to tie down this freebird in me. Which always reminds me of the Lynnard Skynnard record and wanting to be that free spirit, drugging and slightly fey, unknown to people. Yet in my behaviours I was without any depth at all really. Of course the depth was in my desperate quest for something but didn't know what. So with that not even knowing I was looking demeanour, I became very one dimensional. How despairing my parents must have been with their strong values to build their finances and status and knowing the importance of financial security in this very demanding society and watching me time after time fritter away properties and actual cash. I was just so irresponsible. Also getting them onto bad debtors lists as I was resident in their home. My dad had a right to not want me around as I caused them trouble. And all of this was happening without them really knowing I was drinking excessively or eventually drugging and always promiscuous in my desperate bid to have someone to love me. I didn't like or love myself and felt unlovable so it was never going to fulfil me. That behaviour just got worse. In fact I see how the drink was just a reason to make my behaviour acceptable to me. I thought it was giving me courage to do that. Actually it was overriding my values so that i could behave in a way I didn't approve of. All the time blaming my dad for being so Victorian. He was strict and very judgemental but it wasn't his fault and I had values but disregarded them. They were muddled up with his dangerous messages through abuse and imposition over me.
I need to go and get ready. There is more to write but not now.
Bliss
X
So then my next call. This persons boyfriend returned after a week away at the The Hoffman Process. I know nothing about this although the name was familiar to me. I have had a little read. Anyway she has been quite stunne by such a different person coming homw. From a man who was not at all engaged to a man she doesn't know at all, she seemed quite surprised. She had got to a point of telling hin that either he made changes or there was no relationship. A week away and he seems so totally differnt. She wanted an intense conversaiton with him about this. I wondered if that was neccessary and perhaps it is a time to start dating and observe herslef with this new version of the same man. They hadn't planned anything for the day and she had her meeeting to attend, work to do, her sister to respond to as well as arranging time with him and time for herself. Thank goodness for the choice to weigh and measure time and acitvities as well as weighing and measuring food. Gosh! How this teaches more than just about managing food addiction. Also she has such a difficult time with her sisters condition. It's so demanding on her. And her parents too. The helplessness of someone elses state is so terribly draining. I know this myself after really experiencing the aftermath of having taken on someon else's stress. It's so automatic I don't even know how I do it. It's odd really because within my professional role I am constantly cheking that I am not absorning someone else's emotions and often accutely aware when I have taken it on. I can feel stuck and not know what to do and not even know why I am feeling that way. When I have this sort of confusion it's often because it's not my stuckness. This week, a call came in from one of the thousands of doctors surgeries we've mailed. Immediately, PD was uplifte in mood. He was actually quite directive in a different way. He's prescriptive towards me anyway. I know I can be a bit of a buffoon with his sytems to begin with but once they are driven in I follow them. Ina similar way to my dad because of his need for perfection, the fact that I amde a few errors to begin with emans that he continues to distrust that I will do "it" right, whatever "it" might be at the time. Anyhow, returning to the matter of absornbing his stress, as he became incredibly lifted and suddenly okay, I plumetted in my mood. Feeling heavy and frankly on the floor, I wondered what the hell had happened. I had been trunling along feeling okay about everything despite emotions of altering highs and lows. Not hyper-high, just the usual rambling ups and downs. But what I hadn't detected was the stress I'd been absorbing. I've been complaining of a back ache like I've never expeienced before. From the neck right to the base. It's complete in it coverage. Thankfully a friend is giving me a massage on Sunday. Phewee. What I don't know is how I absorb the stress. It's not mine. I am stressed about my srudying but not about much else. So maybe having this area of stress leaves me vulnerable to absorbing someone else's stress. Who nkows. The point is that I take it all on. G suggested I read To Wives in the Big Book. I started reading it and related to the anger and frustration, the helplessness and the drain of someone else. PD is also eating oout of control again this week rather than restricting and attempting to be i control. He keeps being interested in what I'm doing but then isn't because there are certain things he doesn't want under any circumstances to let go of. Eating out freely is one of those things. It just refelcts me to me all of the time. I was like that. I thought it was far too resticting. Just as the idea of never having a drink again (over 12 years ago now I thought that) was just ridulous. I kept on doing it my way and having things the way I wanted them but couldn't sustain that and when it went out of control I was so desperate and miserable. Eventually I gave in to the fact that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat like other people eat. And as a result of this I today have a fereedom I never knew was possible. The ties are being severed. Anyway with E this morning I could hear the absorption of others and the concern too. She had interefered yesterday between her parents. All with good intention but the outcome has caused more issue although a not near the extent of the discomfort in connection with erh sister. I share with her the THINK before you speak acronym I picked up last week. T - is it TRUE? H - is is HELPFUL? I - is it INSPIRING? N - is it NECESSARY? K is it KIND? Gosh how that NECESSARY is so necessary for me to consider more than just once when slowing down to think of this THINK. I remember one of the big problems for me last year with L was when I stepped in to speak for SH who wanted cover in L's absence. I really didn;t think it was necessary but decided to back SH up because I trusted her more than L and alo it was in the fight against L. So I took over the battle. I stated the case why we needed cover. L trusted me and fought too for this. Then the cover was PD. He wondered why we had cover. I didn;t own with him that I had insisted and neither actually did SH I noticed now in hindsight. What's more she allowed me to have the battle. Why wouldn't she I suppose? Anyway I recognise today my fear of owning to PD that I had insisted and being judged by him a a whimp. So off he trotted to the managers office in his way I expect showing L up. I was so annoyed with him for interfering, still being the bloody manager when all he was was the sessional. I didn't say anything about that either. As a result L got a bollocking and from then on didn't trust me. No doubt she felt like she'd been let down and set up. It set the precendent between her and I believe. I have to keep havng this lesson of stepping up as the protector, the saviour, the spokes-person. In itself that would be okay if I really belieed in what i was standing up against. But mainly it's a sort of codependene, Often I think wanting that person to like me. I will avoid saying what I really think. It's improving though. And I'm learning to keep my mouth closed and consider the situation and my point of view. I can always return to it and not need to say anything there at the time. So with E, she seemed to like THINK. I do too. Another helpful call for me. Bliss x
A friend posted this letter from Gaia. It was meaningful to me. But there is more I feel that is unsaid. A letter from Gaia
Listen to me when I tell you, I am Gaia, Your Mother; Earth
In the Lunar days I gave birth to you. As fragments of stardust I nurtured you deep within my womb until the day came for you to enter my world.
The Lunar years were many moons ago now. Together we grew, learnt and evolved.
In partnership we worked in harmony alongside the sun and the moon. You respected and honoured my body, my soul, my spirit and in return I supplied you with all that you desired.
You believed in me and your faith was unshakable. You worked with my seasons and you gave thanks to my Gods, for you understood that my Gods were not tied to any Religion.
We were so happy together.
But then gradually as centuries came and went, the tides began to change. You started to lose your faith, your desires turned to greed, you began searching until one day you woke up and forgot what you were searching for.
The Magic was lost and as man and woman turned onto one another and looked upon each other as a threat; our feminine and masculine energies separated. The sun & moon, the sky, the sea the rivers the mountains, the hills and the valleys they too became disjointed, disconnected from my lifeline, My Love. Instead you replaced those empty voids with hatred and fear and you react with violence and abuse not realising that I need you all as much as you need me for our survival.
And now we find ourselves here. I am bruised and battered and I am tired of your battles, I am close to the edge and yet still you persist.
I am weary of your darkness, it is heavy and I cannot carry the load for much longer.
But through the tears that I weep, I see Beings of light. At first it was weak, a faint flicker in the abyss, but I fill with pride when I see you have been getting stronger, building in numbers. You are awakening from a deep slumber my dear children. Don’t be afraid. Many of you are summoning help and help has arrived. Just trust and keep following the light. It is soon to be my time to rest and to heal. You must set to work now, with a sense of urgency and with Love in your hearts, Now that you understand that I am you and you are me. We Are Love and together reunited once again, we shall raise our vibrations. You already are. Don’t give up. I love you.
Your Loving Mother Earth
My co-creator Gaia,
I am concerned. With this flicker of light that is growing within me, I fear that people are still running, afraid and untrusting.
I see that you Gaia are making changes and some of the fruits that you bear in abundance, are beginning to diminish. And we people have forgotten that it is you that are all powerful. That it is you who provides.
I witness a frantic desire in the brilliance of a lesser number of minds, seemingly chasing that abundance in a fearful effor tot provide for an ever demanding, ever increasing community.
People want for so much and have reaped rewards far greater than their needs I feel. I sense though a slight shift amongst some. Reality is dawning. Abundance is not to be taken for granted. Gaia, you gave freely and now you are taking back the priviledges you once afforded us. I smile, yet also fall foul of these very human traits. I llinger also in the sense that it's probably not within my lifetime.
I heed your warning but have so much to learn to live this reality. You are trying to tell us. Gently your voice falls upon us. Yet still harshly the people roar back with their protestations. Fracking, drilling, extracting, raping these soils.
We have the signs from you; the bees, the butterflies, the shifting seasons are but a few.
Gaia please forgive us for we truly know not what we do. I fear that it will not cease here. That you will have to further withdraw and retreat. I sense you weeping. Yet it seems to me this was always the trajectory, so perhaps your tears are for the ungracious and ungrateful.
It will come to an end, in your time, without any possible means for the clever ones to stall you still further. I watch with wry amusement amidst my clutter and continue to accumulate, for what I do not know. It is a desire to be close and yet rapes.
All that I have belongs not to me but to you. My very deepest thanks to you Gaia, mother.
At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.
So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.
Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.
I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.
If I were to sing a song to my dad what would it be?
It needs to be one of forgiveness, forgiveness of myself right now. I watched a film call Song for Marion. My gosh it was full of similarities. A father and son who did not get along as their mother and wife was dying of Cancer. She was upbeat and loved both her husband and son. She loved her husband even though he was a grump. She loved her son, saying "he's a good boy". That hurt as I can only think that over the years I brought my parent a lot of trouble.
I was burning the candle at both ends, I was financially irresponsible, I was hedonistic and selfish with it, I chose men that were really inappropriate and unavailable in many ways. I worked addictively and then burnt out. I drank addictively and ended up using drugs. I just wanted to be loved.
I don;t know if I could have a drink again without it getting out of hand. I do tend to think it was circumstantial. I think I fell into using drugs and quite frankly I know I couldn't use them recretionally and intermittently. I wanted them and more very quickly. I should go along to an NA meeting. I probably need an AA meeting as I was really thinking I might have a drink. If it weren't for my job and my food recovery I would drink I think. FA says no alcohol. It's sugar and mind altering.
I have so many regrets about my behaviour and please God I need to find forgiveness as right now it feels painful seeing my part in the animosity in the relationship with my dad.
For goodness sake, resorting to escorting. My parents must have been despairing, thankfully they didn't know. As far as I'm aware.
Well I just had a call from an FA friend C. It was interesting talking with her as she is questioning the whole alcohol abstinence.Not believeing she is an alcoholic she wants to be able to have a drink but more importantly it's to do with what others will think. I'm long past that I said, havinf just had the same thoughts I suppose with LW. When he said we can share time over a good glass of wine. My, that's a very tempting thought. And being in Paris with ML would be a lovely time to be in a cafe having a glass of good French wine. The thing is when I used to visit places I used to spend most of my time frequenting drinking venues and staying there. There are some cities, like Zurich that I found a bar and a few of us stayed there all day. Then spent the vening drinking as well. Too lazy to tour around. Sometimes it was because I felt too large to tour around and so easier to just jabba the hut it in a bar drinking. So yes it was a usefyul call for me. Then a call from L who has decided to have a breka from meetings completely. She was struggling to make it a bridge to normal living. Somehow the commitment was not suiting her. Maybe she won't need that constant feeling of fellowship and the reminder. Some people don't. They stop drinking and live happily ever after. I like the fellowship, the understanding of difficulites with day to day living and thinking. I am no longer so despairing but an evening like yesterday can still flaw me. It's good to have people to help step out of the potential quagmire and downward spiral.
This morning I still have a feeling of remorse hanging over me and some of it involves G.
I am thinking of sending this email .... I suspect he would delete it without een reading it. But at least I would have said what I truly think.
Hello G
I am a friend of yours whether you want that friendship or not. Whatever happens I will always think so very highly of you. I have thought that since meeting you and think it today still.
I am very sad that the relationship between us didn't work out and I regret even more that you feel so badly about me as a person.
I do make a lot of mistakes, fumbling through life situations. I don't find it easy. Amidst all of that, it is NEVER my intention to do any kind of harm to YOU or anyone.
You are a good person G and I am truly, truly grateful for the great times I have shared with you. I will hold those in my heart always.
I knew that I needed some time without contact and maybe could have expressed that more clearly. I didn't mean to piss you off so. I hoped you might be understanding of that and although you don't trust me, trust that it is not because of you.
I wish you only good and really mean that from the very bottom of my heart.
Bliss
What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? I guess if unsure I will wait and re-read and see if it's still the right think to do. The intent behind it is valid. I would like him to know that I have no evil thoughts of him. I didn't like things that happened between us. The mix just wasn't right as a couple. Perhaps there isn't anyone that will be the right chemistry with me as I am. But it doesn's stop me liking these people.
On Friday I went out with a flurry of petticoats, red cha cha heels and hat boxes. As a result I left my keys in the door and the door unlocked. I sudenly remembered this when I was too into my journey to work to turn back. The I was agonisig about whether it was valid enough reason to phone the vicar of the local church. I might know people to say hello to but I don;t have people's numbers. My downstairs neighbour has given me his number now. I think I may have lost that too now! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I keep losing words again and get fearful that this is the onset of dementia or something serious. Especially with these dizzy spells and heart flutters. On the otherhand it could be menopause connected and just less noticeable as some of the more noticeable side effects when larger are not present now. Anhyway in my clumsy way I phoned him having talked with an FA person (as nuts I think as me, S) who agreed that it would be an okay thing to do to ease my fears. Break ins etc. I called, told him I was a bit bonkers and he did walk around to my flat, finding the keys in the door. He didn't want to disturb T (downstairs neighbour) so early but delivered the keys to him later in the day. How very kind. Now I will make a donation to the church - what should I donate?
Which reminds me. I need to count up the AA pot and pay the two lots of rent outstanding by cheque and bank the £198 into my account. I'm so lapse about this. I'd like to ahnd that commitment over actually. I'd much rather do something I'm better at. Oh well.
Being a "modelle" has so far been fun. I'm a model for an art class. They have thanked me for sitting so still. It's hardly the pose in the Girl with the pearl earring painted by Vemeers. And I'm far from a girl. Their paintings are not at all like me. Even the artists very fast impression is nothing like me I find. This were the creations I managed to photograph on Day 1 and then Day 2. 2 more days to go. Some people are only doing 2 days some people are doing the one piece over the days they are there. Some people are doing lots each time. It's interesting the references he makes to other painters and discussions about techniques. I think I should like to have lessons. I guess this is what the masters did and how they found proteges perhaps.
Day one
Day one
Day two
Day Two
Day two
Day two (one of many)
Day two
Day two
Day two later on
Day two
Day two (tutors fast start)
A very emotive film for me. A Song for Marion
Cast includes Terence Stamp, Vanessa Redgrave, Christopher Ecclestone, Gemma Arterton in
Paul Andrew Williams.
Humour but truly a pluck on grief within me. I think the acting was as ever outstanding by these very professional actors. It's a snippet in time before death and only a brief glimpse of the interactions around that.
I am not sure if it is sheer brillance because it's so real or if being so close to some of my reality makes it seem master work.
I have been thrown into my grief as a result of watching it, hence the opening theme of this entry today. Remorse, loss, sadness, internal turmoil, reconciliation.
It was a lovely light relief and a nice surprise when LW phoned me just as I was getting ready to go out for something to eat.
I would really like it if I had freinds with males as well. A mix of social people in a group. There was a largegroup of men at the pub last night. A team of some sort I would suggest. A wedding was taking place and the bride was so young looking and pretty. The guys were all so young as well. I was cynical in my thoughts and wish for them all that none of them follow a journey like mine has been. However, I can turn to the gloom of it all and forget to see the wonder of the journey too.
And today I've had a call with L, C and now my friend S too. It's lovely to have this friendship and connection.
Writing as a tool.
This past week I've woken up most mornings feeling pretty flat an that's been mainly fuelled by sadness. I miss the contact with G and when I think of him, I think of his sad demeanour and that at times we had really fun and happy times. There was a problem though in that being the norm. That was the exception. I have to keep reminding myself as otherwise I have those "gaps" when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'm just sitting with me ad guess what? I don't sit in that spot too easily very often. I haven't taken quiet time for an age now. I find all sorts of reasons as to why not.
And then L. Well having sent him the message as follows:
"Good morning L.
For some unaccountable reason this week feels as if it's going by so slowly. It's only Thursday. I only work 4 days a week at the moment and it still feels too many.
Oh good news and quite a shock, I got a first in both of my last 2 assignments. I certainly didn't expect that! That probably means very little but to me it's amazing. I do everything at the last minute and I give very little time to my studying really. I could be quite clever I reckon if I applied myself. That's what my teachers used to say in so many words. I was never really disciplined at school or at home with this sort of thing. And yet expectations were high. Strange combination really.
I wanted to say something quite serious now ..... are you sitting.
Ha ha - for me it feels intense and then I think what the hell am I talking about how can this be so intense???
Fumble fumble for words to say things that are then actually very revealing about me the person.
As you will probably know by now I am interested in sex. I like to play, I like to enjoy sex. HOWEVER (there's always a but huh?). It's not enough for me to just be sexual.
Now here's the weird bit okay. I am very very aware that you're there and I'm here but to me this sex play is just a prelude to getting to know you. Despite the distance and plastic between me and you there's just a little wonder in me as to whether you are someone I would like to know and have time with. It's impossible so goodness knows how or why I should even entertain the idea.
And so then why on earth would I be entering into all this sexual play. When actually I don't want to do that with anyone other than a person I am in a relationship with.
I enjoy what we've been doing. It's a lot of fun. I like your adventurous spirit and I like being pushed as actually I am very shy especially with sex and yet not really - what a combination!!
It's not enough though really. Without all the other levels of intimacy even with adventuring it becomes simply sex.
This I guess is where men and women are so so different. I can play and adventure but I also like discussion and experiencing other things and so on.
It's impossible for you and I to do that together.
I was going to write that if you were here or I there or just together and going out and talking and stuff from time to time and then getting home and then making love with gusto and adventure - that's great!!
But as days have gone on I just wonder what I'm doing. Coz the other problem is that I am loyal to you despite the distance, the plastic and the not really knowing you at all.
So then I am investing myself in distance, plastic and cyber sex which is only partially fulfilling a sexual desire.
Intensity over.......
No doubt I'll get horny again. But oddly if I don't entertain that it doesn't become a longing and passes quickly.
Anyway I'm going off to work now. Boo hoo. I love it when I'm there it just seems too much this week. Why does that happen?
Well of the real content of this email.
I'd be interested in your thoughts. I enjoy the liaisons with you but ....
I would like to continue being "penfriends/telephone friends" but I'm not quite sure on what basis - I know I don't want it to be on a sexual basis.
Better than running off to consider what the fuck I am doing here. I thought I'd just be honest with my thoughts. "
So he replied saying he understood and he would telephone me over the weekend. Well he hasn't so far. He has respected my sexlessness though but also barely been in contact, unless I've initiated a chitty chatty nonsense text. I have stopped as of last night. I was demeaning myself and thinking it just confuses the issue. He is not someone I know to be chit chatting about my day to day experiences. An that's all I want really. Someone to just share the days and experiences with. Otherwise I have these experiences and ..... and what? They are experiences for myself not because of others. Sometimes I do wonder if I have them to show off. And sometimes as I'm say walking around a gallery learning and viewing I start questioning why bother with all this life experience when I'm going to die and the "knowledge" dies with me. What's the point?
For example I'm doing all this studying and may achieve my degree eventually. So what? I die soon. What benefit will it all have had?
I've had a few more heart flutters. The worst was on when? Thursday I think. P was in group and one started. Whereas usually it is a brief moment. This one went on beyond the brief and I didn't worry as I thought it was a slightly extended brief moment. But it continued. I was starting to consider getting some help. My first port of call was to go and get P. I didn't though as he was in group and I wouldn't want to disturb that process. Anyway it passed. I've noticed a few sensations since but actually not as strong and fleeting. I've mentioned it to AB and she wants me to phone A&E if it reoccurs but I don;t think it's serious enough for that. I'm moderately perturbed at this stage.
AB is drinking a lot. And bloody hell I'm feeling so irritated by her. I feel her trying to control all the time. She is over thinking everything and worrying about everything. And as a result she is infuriating. She is over intellectualising as well. She is rude. I keep entering into the affray with her and then realise I'm getting fraught and short with her and so step back out again. She is SO controlling. The thing is I can then see myself controlling to match and survive. It is so annoying that she will not do anything about her drinking. And actually it's annoying as GB won't do anything about hers either. She and AB then enable each other. GB drinks just as much but isn't the same in her manner with it. The family is riddled with codependency. I couldn't live there and understand why RB gets away so much. It's into the arms of D thought and there is something about him that is not trustworthy. I can't put my finger on it. He wants to rescue the world but has this sort of arrogance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he wasn't still drinking in secret.
Anyway with AB I know my feeling swill pass when she reduces her drinking again - goodness knows what's triggering this bout of nastiness. Menopause I wouldn't wonder and fear of the future.
Yesterday going to London was lovely. I qualified at the FA meeting and it was a real uplifting thing to do. 90 days again yesterday. Hoping that I do not have to go back to day 1. The return to day 1 can be over silly little things. I talks about the relapse because of fear. Fear of saying what I needed and ending up eating food that wasn't enough and so ate bread as it was on the plate. It was like eating razor blades with every mouthful, knowing it was relapse. And then of course thinking well I've done that I might as well ... I didn't thankfully. I managed to sit but wasn't really that attentive. And then I did eat my evening meal as usual. Thank goodness I had prepared it all.
K looks great and S is blooming with her pregnancy despite being so unwell with Lymes. What a worry for the unborn baby too. Yet she looks serene and getting on with whatever is ahead of her with projecting too much. I wonder though if she is just covering up and yet knowing that with all my emotions and situations I really am okay overall. And I know it's all just feelings and even with projections about the possibility of the business not working and me being out of a job I am not agonising. Not like last year when I was desperate to get away from the situation with LK but didn't know what I'd do for work. I thought I'd do anything until I actually started looking and felt the life drain from me when considering office work. What would I do other than this? I love being able to work with people.
I I could see 11 people per week at £50 per session equals £550 would be about £28k per year. Hmm less tax. Not so much really but more than a lot of people. The problem is getting 11 people consistently. People are not consistent and then where do the referrals come from which is the exact same problem we have now.
And where the hell do I get a room cheaply enough. You see the costs haven't even been deducted from that. I can see myself doing that eventually though if this doesn't work out.
Oh I start my modelling career this week.
Lowry at Tate Britain.
Interesting. I really liked one of his paintings on the beach. It was a rare different setting from industrialised cities. It was different colour scheme as well. Most of his paintings were white skies and white ground. Lots of browns, greys and olive greens. And uplifted by red clothing on the matchstick men and dogs.
"I saw the industrial scene and I was affected by it. I tried to paint it all the time. I tried to paint the industrial scene as best I could. It wasn’t easy."
GB asked if I had a bundle of money whether I would buy a Lowry for the aesthetics. I'd buy one for the collection.But for aesthetics. Probably not, maybe the beach. They are depictive of the industrial city of Manchester. I hadn't realised that the scenes were not real but a cobbled collection of places. Like collages really. And apparently the people were really images of himself in a general way. Everyone looks busy, heads down and leaning forward. Unhappiness. That's what I generally got from them. It was an interesting viewing from the point of seeing his skill in perspective and being quite unique.
Influenced by the French impressionists with his colours apparently and taught by Valette and others. I see and influence of Pissaro, whom I like very much actually. His use of night lights especially.
And most were painted as if out of a window from a top floor. How could he have got those views. Did he just take away the memory and a sketch. Now AB says he was quite a strange man and had painted some sexual life's with a theme of bondage in some. It's a pit the curator hadn't given the fuller story of him. Curators probably play safe huh? How snobby the art world is but how limiting. I'd like to have a fuller picture of the artists. It's then coming to life more.
Behind the familiar images of factory workers and northern industrial city scapes that have made LS Lowry one of Britain's most easily recognised and frequently reproduced painters, there is a much darker, sadder group of work rarely seen by the public. These bleak sketches and paintings include a series of disturbing and sexually deviant drawings that remained hidden until after the artist's death in 1976.Today the novelist and Lowry enthusiast Howard Jacobson is to give the annual lecture in honour of the painter at the Lowry Centre. He will argue that ignoring the bleak side of the artist's imagination has led to him being under-rated and misunderstood by many art critics. Jacobson is to call for Lowry's fetishistic, private drawings to be more widely shown.'I don't feel we are prying. I don't think there is anything prurient about it. In fact, by avoiding looking at this work we are just shielding Lowry from imagined disapproval. It is pathetic,' said Jacobson.He will suggest the public do not yet appreciate the complexity of Lowry's work, partly because they see such a limited selection. For Jacobson, the secret drawings of women in outlandish outfits and strange bondage positions are just part of his melancholy and tortured view of the world.'I am not somebody who thinks we have a right to know about everything in an artist's life. There is a line, of course. But when it comes to the work itself, then it is not like that,' said Jacobson.'It shows what a serious modernist Lowry really was,' said Jacobson. 'If he was French, after all, there would be no fuss. In fact, people would probably expect him to have made work like this.'Many of the erotic sketches show single female figures in bizarre and restrictive costumes and they commonly have either a hinted or an explicitly violent content.Jacobson's call has prompted the Lowry estate to reveal this weekend that one of the erotic sketches held at the Lowry Centre, will be loaned to the Netherlands for an exhibition this autumn. The sketch is to be sent out along with three other more conventional works by Lowry.'We would always consider a request to show these works,' said a spokesman. 'It is always simply a question of context and of the level of scholarship involved.'The work being loaned for the show in Ghent is reproduced above by permission of the estate. The Lowry, which was set up in 2000 to commemorate the life and work of the painter, has also responded to Jacobson's plea.A spokeswoman for the gallery said that the group of erotic works, which are sometimes referred to collectively as 'the mannequin sketches' or 'marionette works' were, in fact, available for visitors to see on request and that many of the images are also brought up into the public display area according to a rotation system.'I am always happy to show this work on request,' said the Lowry's collection adminstrator, Ruth Salisbury.The arts establishment has frequently denigrated Lowry, who worked as a tax collector, and classed his work as part of an anodyne, heritage tradition. Dubbed a 'Sunday painter', his familiar paintings of factories and 'matchstick men and women' have been dismissed by some critics as a straightforward celebration of the northern industrial experience.Jacobson sees this as a major misunderstanding. The work is a brutal consideration of the modern world and the lack of communication between people, he argues, and is reminiscent of the work of the playwrights Harold Pinter and Samuel Beckett. As a fellow Mancunian, Jacobson will suggest in his lecture that Lowry's habit of running himself down has been counter-productive. Many critics have been taking his work at face value.
(I'm always impressed at the information AB manages to store in her memory)
Some of the paintings I saw .... And there were 6 rooms so this was just a very small selection. Some of the more well known city scenese were there of course. AB informs me that the Tate has a large collection that are never shown. Why?
Just one last ting to get off my mind. As I was walking across Lambeth Bridge towards Millbank and the Tate, a man approached me. Well dressed and shaven, he tried reassuring me that he wasn't going to snatch anything or mug me but wanted £2. He explained he had lost his wallett. he had not phone having decided to leave it at home. He was supposed to be meeting friends. He said he needed £24.50 or something to get a train home. I was suspiscious and offered tog et some change. But as he was walking and he was clearly needing the money so much I just gave him a tenner. I don;t really have moeny to be able to give away to strangrs who I didn;t really believe. But it didn't matter whether I believed him or not he clearly needed it so much to ask starngers and so I had it and gave it to him. A little bit of me is hanging on to the idea that i was conned but the other part of me knows I made a choice because he clearly needed it more than me whatever his reason.
I just hope he uses it wisely and it wouldn't contribute to his downfall. Happy days for him I hope
There is an irony somewhere in there that I can't wuit connect with - the poverty depicted in Lowry's art, cities, unhappiness and this man - well dressed and that desperate for money.
