Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healthy feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstances exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.
Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others, and my circumstances. Take me one step further and help me feel grateful.
CY contacted me - weird. Have been feeling Patti Smith. He asked which one I said Piss Factory. Ha! He got it. I spoke with JH this evening. I am glad I did as I feel somewhat relieved. I do feel incredibly angry and hurt and betrayed. That exists for me. And it is just worsened by trying to go over and over the events of the past. It is over between us and that's that. I said that I did not want to do this anymore and know that for me if there are things to be learnt by looking back at this, at this time I need to be talking to other people. And I said this to JH too. Each time it just causes me more hurt. I cannot take anymore right now.
JH said that he felt Bill Viola - so I looked up images on Wikipedia and he looks very interesting. Very emotive. When I watched the Acceptance installation I really got a strong sense from it. I will seek out any possibility of seeing anything of his in London.
Anyway despite some people saying, probably out of concern, that I need to distance myself, I think it was helpful this evening to talk. And it may even be possible to be friendly. I do not feel able to say friends because actually friendship means a lot to me. People who value me and I value them which means we follow similar principles. I will be able to move away from the dishonesty but right now I am cautious. So being friendly does not require any trust and the doubts are like any new encounter of not really knowing someone. There is room for growth though in my opinion.
I spoke with little HB this evening. She was so delightful - singing to me, telling me jokes, recounting her feelings about her very scary teacher and how she feels held back by her. Sometimes she is so grown up. I just snoozle her up as I listen to her chatting away. Then I was able to arrange a visit with slightly bigger HB. I will enjoy time with them. It is a joy to hear slightly bigger HB deciding not to drink now. And even with some life difficulties she has remained abstinent. I pray for them both.
Work toady was pretty amazing. Seeing one guy really, really hear something through the power of the group. He listened. He seemed to really want to know suddenly what it's like to be on the receiving end of him. It was like his eyes widened and he looked at me and said thank you. And just before that I had felt like slapping him ha ha ha ha ha ha ahahahahahaha.
I have received some very high praise indeed from senior management. And actually an appraisal is about to occur. Ha we will see. I also am aware that the HD agrees with me that deducting me time off when I was sick but required to work at home was "not cool"! Interesting. I have an audience with him arranged as well.
It's such a flipping relief to handover the job to PD though.
And all the clients I set up in the week before his return are now coming in - funny thing is it looks like its because of him we are now full. When in fact he left there were just 2 inpatients. Its good though to be able to acknowledge this to myself privately without having to have ego make it known. The SMT were aware of all the assessments as I did them so they should have a good idea of the reality. Anfd the facts are that its by chance. Earlier in the month there were no telephone enquiries. Suddenly without any clear explanation the enquiries started rolling in - there is a sell element but if there are no enquries there is nothing to put the sell element to.
It's time for bed!
Bliss
XX
ps. It feels critical when JH talks about not wanting to feel anger. I remember thinking myself in early days that anger was not something that was necessary and actually to not feel anger meant havign reached a higher plane. I relate to him but its actually infuriating as if he is criticising me for being angry. As was suggested to me, the sensitivity to anger connects with ones own anger that is either being repressed or suppressed - in some way denied. And this is probably from childhood experiences of others anger and more importantly behaviour. peopel forget to separate out the emotion from the behaviour. The behaviour is often the inappropriate element. It can be so very destructive and this is usually denied anger. Self awareness allows anger to be the useful emotion it is meant to be. Observation and stepping aside of the anger to take appropriate action is a very high level state. Denying it is still very low.
X
