This is a Sisyphian illness. I put one thing down and another pops up. Food down, men up. Excuse the turn of phrase. I really enjoy G's company and by getting overly involved my head is messed up. Questioning what this thing is that we're doing. I need to explain that it is messing with me head whatever it is because I am finding I am liking him more and more. What I need to add that is that I have made a commitment to no dating and that means no one on one contact of any sort. Meetings and when there are other people about is just fine. I don't really want that though. I keep making the commitment to doing it and never doing it.
And as discussed around the AA Big Book stories it is not okay to say "I know I'm over doing it but frankly I'm just not ready to stop." What kind of justification is that?
But I'm not. I like the attention even though my head is a fuzz-ball with it and I'm spinning into the insecurity and loss of myself. Trying to be interesting and jolly and likeable. I am trying to be everything so he has no need to go elsewhere. And yet I am pretty certain like he is for me I am a distraction for him. He doesn't sleep he says. Well he sleeps well enough in the mornings so if he went to bed earlier he would get better sleep. But he doesn't sleep and so I am willing to talk for ages therefore he will call me.
He definately makes bee-lines for newcomer women. What's that all about. He says he's drawing back from E. His reason is that she says some things he finds unpleasant. He hasn't dealt with that. He hasn't said anything he simply withdraws. I don;t want to be with someone like that and yet I am writing this and still planning to find out if I mean something different to him. Oh God help me. Help me to be willing to put all this madness down.
So today we are meeting for a walk. I don't tell M things these days because I always feel judged. Rather than going along with what I am doing I stay quiet and of course she will feel that distance because it's there. And I don't know how to tell her that I feel criticised and judged at times. There is a righteousness that's quite unhelpful.
I need to go an get my breakfast and give LouLou hers too.
This is of course the same illness. It really doesn't matter what it is I pick up. I am a food addict. I get confused why it is so important to keep that label when other labels are not so necessary. However I als see that it doesn't matter what the label is anyway. The fact is that whatever the illness is I have it involves this compulsive and impulsive and obsessive behaviour. Ad this is the first part that I need to step away from to get well. If I keep that alive it can spread and infiltrate the other areas of the mental illness. I already have the compulsive negativity and impulsively turn to self-htred without the bat on an eyelid.
Okay I think I can become more willing. I just need to keep writing about the craziness in my head. Last evening he was standing outside, he was low in mood it seemed and extra critical. He said that this was another meeting he'd start avoiding. I could easily start following him around the rooms. He mentioned going to Bishops Waltham. I will go perhaps but it's Friday so why would I start giving up my committed meetings? I will stop going to Wednesday whilst S is secretary. I find her difficult at the best of times. However G is so extremely negative about lots of people and I can start joining in when all I want to do is find the best in everyone. It is so easy for me to tune into the negativity. His view taints my own.
And then he was standing there on his own. I didn't know whether to go and speak or not but did. He was receiving a text and I assumed there are a number of women he recives texts from. Of course I will not be the only one. There is this woman he was in love with and still fond of. He still has contact with her and her husband. It's all cock-eyed. That doesn't appear healthy. And the same applies to his contact with me. it seems a little predatory and late night calls and unhealthy. I thought that from the beginning. But then what is healthy and how do people get connecting. Bloody hell the step last evening was the second part of Step 12 - talk about sexual relationships and healthy relationships in AA. I know I felt uncomfortable. I thought I detected a discomfort in him too. It's definitely necessary for me to step aside. But it feels so difficult to do this.
And the fact that he rarely works and doesn't present himself very tidily and cleanly.
I can see all the writing on the wall. But I romanticise all of this.
God please help me to have the willingness to put this all down. Pleeeease.
How do I really do that and not hurt him as well. I don't want to. And yet I'm enjoying the attention even though I can take a pretty good view on the reality of ot.
I want him to fall in love with me and want me. To hurt for me like I hurt inside for my dad or someone. But I don't really want him to hurt at all.
It's all too crazy you see - already.
So today we have a date to go out for a walk. A date is a date to meet up whether there is anything romatically insinuated or not is neither here nor there. How can I be so crazy??
As S mentioned - it's like a story she had read in the Big Book with a man running around a lake with his trousers on fire screaming in pain but not jumping into the lake to put the fire out.
I know what's happening to me and yet not doing what I know I need to to put the fire out.
It will result in relapse on food I suspect. I was feeling foody last night. A first sign.
Please God help to find the willingness. I want to ask G today what is actually going on between us because I am beginning to develop feelings for hmi.
But what I need to say is that what we're doing is messing with my head as I am having feelings for him. And I have a commitment to my recovery not to be dating with anyone for the time being. Yet that's what I am wanting more and more. It's definitely not the right time for me to get involved right now.
Okay I need to get bathed and go to the supermarket in time to be back an walk the LouLou briefly before a walk with G this afternoon.
Yet again I am not getting wither the accreditation or the studying done.
Boo to me!!
Bliss
XX
And as discussed around the AA Big Book stories it is not okay to say "I know I'm over doing it but frankly I'm just not ready to stop." What kind of justification is that?
But I'm not. I like the attention even though my head is a fuzz-ball with it and I'm spinning into the insecurity and loss of myself. Trying to be interesting and jolly and likeable. I am trying to be everything so he has no need to go elsewhere. And yet I am pretty certain like he is for me I am a distraction for him. He doesn't sleep he says. Well he sleeps well enough in the mornings so if he went to bed earlier he would get better sleep. But he doesn't sleep and so I am willing to talk for ages therefore he will call me.
He definately makes bee-lines for newcomer women. What's that all about. He says he's drawing back from E. His reason is that she says some things he finds unpleasant. He hasn't dealt with that. He hasn't said anything he simply withdraws. I don;t want to be with someone like that and yet I am writing this and still planning to find out if I mean something different to him. Oh God help me. Help me to be willing to put all this madness down.
So today we are meeting for a walk. I don't tell M things these days because I always feel judged. Rather than going along with what I am doing I stay quiet and of course she will feel that distance because it's there. And I don't know how to tell her that I feel criticised and judged at times. There is a righteousness that's quite unhelpful.
I need to go an get my breakfast and give LouLou hers too.
This is of course the same illness. It really doesn't matter what it is I pick up. I am a food addict. I get confused why it is so important to keep that label when other labels are not so necessary. However I als see that it doesn't matter what the label is anyway. The fact is that whatever the illness is I have it involves this compulsive and impulsive and obsessive behaviour. Ad this is the first part that I need to step away from to get well. If I keep that alive it can spread and infiltrate the other areas of the mental illness. I already have the compulsive negativity and impulsively turn to self-htred without the bat on an eyelid.
Okay I think I can become more willing. I just need to keep writing about the craziness in my head. Last evening he was standing outside, he was low in mood it seemed and extra critical. He said that this was another meeting he'd start avoiding. I could easily start following him around the rooms. He mentioned going to Bishops Waltham. I will go perhaps but it's Friday so why would I start giving up my committed meetings? I will stop going to Wednesday whilst S is secretary. I find her difficult at the best of times. However G is so extremely negative about lots of people and I can start joining in when all I want to do is find the best in everyone. It is so easy for me to tune into the negativity. His view taints my own.
And then he was standing there on his own. I didn't know whether to go and speak or not but did. He was receiving a text and I assumed there are a number of women he recives texts from. Of course I will not be the only one. There is this woman he was in love with and still fond of. He still has contact with her and her husband. It's all cock-eyed. That doesn't appear healthy. And the same applies to his contact with me. it seems a little predatory and late night calls and unhealthy. I thought that from the beginning. But then what is healthy and how do people get connecting. Bloody hell the step last evening was the second part of Step 12 - talk about sexual relationships and healthy relationships in AA. I know I felt uncomfortable. I thought I detected a discomfort in him too. It's definitely necessary for me to step aside. But it feels so difficult to do this.
And the fact that he rarely works and doesn't present himself very tidily and cleanly.
I can see all the writing on the wall. But I romanticise all of this.
God please help me to have the willingness to put this all down. Pleeeease.
How do I really do that and not hurt him as well. I don't want to. And yet I'm enjoying the attention even though I can take a pretty good view on the reality of ot.
I want him to fall in love with me and want me. To hurt for me like I hurt inside for my dad or someone. But I don't really want him to hurt at all.
It's all too crazy you see - already.
So today we have a date to go out for a walk. A date is a date to meet up whether there is anything romatically insinuated or not is neither here nor there. How can I be so crazy??
As S mentioned - it's like a story she had read in the Big Book with a man running around a lake with his trousers on fire screaming in pain but not jumping into the lake to put the fire out.
I know what's happening to me and yet not doing what I know I need to to put the fire out.
It will result in relapse on food I suspect. I was feeling foody last night. A first sign.
Please God help to find the willingness. I want to ask G today what is actually going on between us because I am beginning to develop feelings for hmi.
But what I need to say is that what we're doing is messing with my head as I am having feelings for him. And I have a commitment to my recovery not to be dating with anyone for the time being. Yet that's what I am wanting more and more. It's definitely not the right time for me to get involved right now.
Okay I need to get bathed and go to the supermarket in time to be back an walk the LouLou briefly before a walk with G this afternoon.
Yet again I am not getting wither the accreditation or the studying done.
Boo to me!!
Bliss
XX
