Sunday 2 September 2012

Mantegna to Matisse: Master Drawings

Well what a wonderful exhibition. The great masters truly showing their skills as drawers. There were so many piees of work there I cannot recall them all. And of course they weren't all simple drawings.
I don't think I'd seen a Pisarro before. I was really drawn into the painting I saw. I didn't note its title. But it was the use of creams in a scenery that really just kept me there looking.

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MANTEGNA TO MATISSE:

MASTER DRAWINGS FROM THE COURTAULD GALLERY

14 June to 9 September 2012

Captions

1. Workshop of Hugo van der Goes

(c. 1440-82)

A seated female saint, c. 1475-85

Pen, point of the brush and grey ink,

heightened with white on green prepared paper, 230 x 189 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

2. Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

Studies for a Saint Mary Magdalene

c. 1480-82

Pen and brown ink, 139 x 79 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

3. Michelangelo Buonarrotti (1475-1564)

The Dream (Il Sogno), c. 1533

Black chalk, 398 x 280 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

4. Pieter Bruegel the Elder (c. 1525-1569)

Kermesse at Hoboken, 1559

Pen and brown ink, 265 x 394 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

5. Guercino (Giovanni Francesco Barbieri)

(1591-1666)

Child seen from behind, c. 1625

Red chalk with stumping, 301 x 211 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

6. Rembrandt van Rijn (1606-69)

Saskia with one of her children, c. 1635

Red chalk, 141 x 106 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

7. Peter Paul Rubens (1577-1640)

Portrait of Helena Fourment, c. 1630-31

Black and red chalk heightened with white, pen and ink

612 x 550 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

8. Charles Joseph Natoire (1700-1777)

Life class at the Académie royale, 1746

Watercolour, chalk (black) on paper

454 x 323 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

9. Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres (1780-1867)

Study for ‘La Grande Odalisque’, 1814

Graphite, 185 x 254 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

10. J.M.W. Turner (1775-1851)

Dawn after the wreck, c. 1841

Watercolour and gouache, 251 x 368 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

11. Paul Cézanne (1839-1906)

Apples, bottle and chairback, c. 1904-6

Graphite and watercolour, 462 x 604 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London

12. Georges Pierre Seurat (1859-1891)

Female Nude, c. 1881

Conté crayon and pencil, 630 x 484 mm

© The Courtauld Gallery, London
 
Thomas Girtin painted Appledore. I hadn't realised how special Appledore actually was and there we were as a family there every year. I have good feelings about Appledore.
 

 What's utterly amazing is the incredible collection the Courtauld has. How did they acquire such an incredible collection. They had one of the most famous Renoirs, Van Gogh, Manet. I will need to return to the Courtauld and just sit. If I lived in London now I would spend lunch times there amidst the wonder of this art. How have I come to be so absorbed by art works? It's sort of taken over my soul. I want more and more. Ha! There's a familiar thing.
I was also mesmerised by Rubens painting of Helena. I was also wondering about his age when he married her. It seemed wrong and a lady I encountered and I both hoped that he might have been a kind and gentle man. His painting of her dress was just so exquisite. And was this her wedding gown? Her father was a silk trader so no doubt this was contributory in her style and no doubt her dowry too.
I get such stimulation from the creativity. Looking at the strokes or the touch of the paint on the canvass or board. The shapes they've seen and transposed. The ideas. The colours. It's just so incredible to me. I so want to possess these works. I bought a print of Seurat. The woman emerging out of the darkness. The scribbles of black crayon were intriguing me and just how this beautiful woman does seem to be emerging from all the scribbles. Just stunning.
And then home ..... :(

Press Release
"




MANTEGNA TO MATISSE:

MASTER DRAWINGS FROM THE COURTAULD GALLERY

The Courtauld Gallery, London, 14 June to 9 September 2012

The Frick Collection, New York, 2 October 2012 to 27 January 2013

The Courtauld Gallery holds one of the most important collections of drawings in Britain. Organised in collaboration with The Frick Collection in New York, this exhibition presents a magnificent selection of some sixty of its finest works. It offers a rare opportunity to consider the art of drawing in the hands of its greatest masters, including Dürer, Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Goya, Manet, Cézanne and Matisse. The Courtauld last displayed a comparable selection of its masterpieces more than twenty years ago and this exhibition will bring the collection to new audiences nationally and internationally.

The exhibition opens with a group of works dating from the 15
th century, from both Northern and Southern Europe. An exquisite and extremely rare early Netherlandish drawing of a seated female saint from around 1475-85 is rooted in late medieval workshop traditions (fig. 1). It was also at this time that drawing assumed a new central role in nourishing individual creativity, exemplified by two rapid pen and ink sketches by Leonardo da Vinci. These remarkably free and exploratory sketches show the artist experimenting with the dynamic twisting pose of a female figure for a painting of Mary Magdalene (fig. 2). For Renaissance artists such as Leonardo, drawing or disegno was the fundamental basis of all the arts: the expression not just of manual dexterity but of the artist’s mind and intellect.
These ideas about the nature of drawing achieved their full expression in the flowering of draughtsmanship in the 16th century. At the heart of this section of the exhibition is Michelangelo’s magisterial The Dream (fig. 3). Created in 1533, this highly complex allegory was made by Michelangelo as a gift for a close friend and it was one of the earliest drawings to be produced as an independent work of art. More typically, drawings were made in preparation for other works, including paintings, sculptures and prints. Pieter Bruegel the Elder’s engaging scene of drunken peasants cavorting at a festival in the Flemish village of Hoboken was drawn in 1559 in preparation for a print (fig. 4). Whereas Michelangelo sought ideal divinely inspired beauty in the human figure, Bruegel here revels in the disorder of everyday life.

Despite the important preparatory function of drawing, many of the most appealing works in the exhibition were unplanned and resulted from artists reaching for their sketchbooks to capture a scene for their own pleasure – Parmigianino’s Seated woman asleep is a wonderful example of such an informal study surviving from the early 16th century. Drawn approximately 100 years later in around 1625, Guercino’s Child seen from behind retains the remarkable freshness and immediacy of momentary observation (fig. 5). Guercino was a compulsive and brilliantly gifted draughtsman. Here the red chalk lends itself perfectly to the play of light on the soft flesh of the child sheltering in its mother’s lap. No less appealing in its informality is Rembrandt’s spontaneous and affectionate sketch of his wife, Saskia, sitting in bed cradling one of her children (fig. 6). The exhibition offers a striking contrast between this modest domestic image and Peter Paul Rubens’s contemporaneous depiction of his own wife, the beautiful young Helena Fourment (fig. 7). Celebrated as one of the great drawings of the 17th century, this unusually large work shows the richly dressed Helena – who was then about 17 – moving aside her veil to look directly at the viewer. Created with a dazzling combination of red, black and white chalks, this drawing was made as an independent work of art and was not intended for sale or public display. In its imposing presence, mesmerising skill and subtle characterisation, it is the equal of any painted portrait.
The central role of drawing in artistic training is underlined in a remarkable sheet by Charles Joseph Natoire from 1746. It shows the artist, seated in the left foreground, instructing students during a life class at the prestigious Académie royale in Paris (fig. 8). Drawing after the life model and antique sculpture was considered essential in the 18th and 19th centuries. One of the great champions of this academic tradition was Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres. The beautiful elongated forms of the reclining nude in his Study for the ‘Grand Odalisque’, 1813-14, represents the highest refinement of a precise yet expressive linear drawing style rooted in the academy (fig. 9). Outside the academy, drawing could offer the artist a means of liberating creativity. Goya’s Cantar y bailar (Singing and dancing), 1819-20, comes from one of the private drawing albums which the artist used to inhabit the world of his dreams and imagination.

Canaletto’s expansive and meticulously composed View from Somerset Gardens, looking towards London Bridge


is one of several highlights of a section exploring the relationship between drawing and the landscape. This group stretches back as early as Fra Bartolomeo’s Sweep of a river with fishermen drawn in around 1505-09, and also includes a particularly strong selection of landscapes from the golden age of the British watercolour. The interest in landscape is nowhere more powerfully combined with the expressive possibilities of watercolour than in the work of J.M.W. Turner. His late Dawn after the Wreck of around 1841 was immortalised by the critic John Ruskin, who imagined the solitary dog shown howling on a deserted beach to be mourning its owner, lost at sea (fig. 10). For Ruskin, this was one of Turner’s ‘saddest and most tender works’.

The Courtauld collection includes an outstanding selection of drawings and watercolours by the great French Impressionist and Post-Impressionist artists for whom the Gallery is most famous. Apples, Bottle and Chairback is one of Cézanne’s finest late works in any technique (fig. 11). Here we see the artist pushing watercolour to its extreme through his extraordinary intuitive but masterful handling of successive layers of coloured washes over luminous white paper. Another highlight of this group is the equally remarkable large crayon drawing by Cézanne’s younger contemporary, Georges Seurat. His standing female nude materialises in an almost unfathomable manner from an intricate web of curving crayon lines (fig. 12). The exhibition concludes with work by the two greatest artists of the 20th century, Picasso and Matisse, who reinvented the art of drawing for the modern age.

The Courtauld’s drawings collection is largely the result of a series of remarkable individual gifts. They include the drawings presented by Samuel Courtauld alongside his collection of French Impressionist paintings, the bequest by Sir Robert Witt of some 3,000 drawings in 1952, and Count Antoine Seilern’s Princes Gate bequest which, in 1978, brought many of the most famous individual drawings into the collection. Additionally, the works in the exhibition reveal rich and intriguing earlier collecting histories in which artist collectors such as Peter Lely in the 17th century and Thomas Lawrence and Joshua Reynolds in the 18th century feature alongside some of the great princely and connoisseurial collectors of Europe.

Mantegna to Matisse: Master Drawings from The Courtauld Gallery
is organised under the auspices of the IMAF Centre for Drawings which was established in 2010 to support the study, conservation and public enjoyment of The Courtauld’s collection. The catalogue accompanying the exhibition has been prepared in collaboration with The Frick Collection and features twenty authors contributing entries on individual works in their specialist areas, often with new technical research undertaken at The Courtauld. Spanning some 500 years, Mantegna to Matisse offers an opportunity to study and enjoy a remarkable array of masterpieces. The exhibition also aims to celebrate the great versatility and diversity of draughtsmanship and invites audiences to consider what makes a master drawing.

 
This afternoon I've watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. What a lovely little afternoon film. The acting was of such a high standard. Maggie Smith, Judy Dench, Bill Nighy (I want to marry him), and others. it was an uplifting film and amusing too. I want to live in Jaipur of course. It romanticised it all. I mean how ON earth could I afford to live there? How on earth could these old people afford to live there? But the idea was simply enticing.
 
Directed by John Madden.
I liked this quote:
Evelyn: Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.
Muriel: Most things don't. But sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff
And of course the one repeated throughout. "everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not the end".
I have not done any studying. I've sort of written it off and delayed the start until next weekend. I have a long weekend and will study all day Friday. Munch on Saturday, study all day Sunday and Monday. Well there is the AWOL on Sunday as well. I do not feel inclined or disciplined. I am scared I am going to write myself off the degree. This would be disastrous, another thing not completed. Am I sabotaging?
P{lease God guide me. I am thinking I should be studying something like art history or creative. And yet this degree would help me with my potential earnings and personal sense of credibility. I love the subject as well. I am fascinated by humans.
It seems these approaching last years are too demanding on me whilst I am so exhausted from work. Not to mention the long hours at work and the demands on my spiritual, physical and mental resources. God I need some help here.
Bliss
XX

ps - I really am incredibly lukcy. I wrote this morning (6 Sep) to the gallery just enquiring if there was any way to get hold of a poster for the exhibition. And I received an email back sayig yes and they would post it.
I never imagined I would be so lucky.Thank you Universe. It's of little consequence in the greater scheme of things. But they didn't sell them so it will be quite special to me to have one.
x

On competition and obduracy

M says black, I say absolutely white. It frustrates me as I believe in various shades of black to white exist. But no I say absolute opposites to counter her. It always feels like M is stating an absolute and therefore it requires an absolute from me to counter balance.
Please God can you help remove this doggedness, this obduracy, this mulishness.
I would like to be flexible and adaptable. Please can you help me to become yielding and alterable. Thank you God.
Thank you for pointing this out again God. When will I learn. I need to be more interested in M's opinion and ask questions I think. Hear her.
She probably used the wrong word and the word she used was competitive. Now I think M is unreasonably competitive and what happens is I go into battle with her to prove her wrong. Why do I do that? I can be so obdurate and argumentative. My mum used to point that out too.
So this is a manner about me that I have. Goodness knows why and like everything it really isn't so important to know why right now by to accept it and see the unmanageability it causes and then as you God to help me to restore myself to sanity, yet again.
I do it a lot and in various ways. I get an idea sometimes that I will doggedly hold onto and argue just so as not to lose. Then I can get tongue-tied and lie even just to get my point across and not be shown to be erroneous. But then afterwards I go back into castigating myself. I chastise myself ad sit in self-hatred. And then my mood lowers and I feel entirely worthless. I can see myself only as an idiot, counterproductive in my work, as a friend, as a human being. And then there is room for the despondency to squeeze in and then there is room for the food addiction to slip in. I am constantly vulnerable to these patterns and I need to arrest them as early as possible. Otherwise I am vulnerable to relapse.
So having recognised this tendency to go into competition please God help me to keep my mouth closed when I become aware. This will be the first thing to stop the unmanageability, cease the behaviour.
And then I can keep talking about this with people. Listen to M for example and ask questions about what she means and how she sees that working for her and what does she think people need to be doing for example. Instead I leap in at the moment and try to change the course of her from the off.
Ad then I can let go and let God in. Next is the knowing of the defective behaviours involved, is to become truly willing to have the defect removed Step 6 and then asking God to help remove the defect.
I can see there is the need to work Steps 1-3 in everything. And if I pick the behaviour up again then am I really letting go and am I really willing.
Well this one keeps showing itself to me in many guises really.
I remember my insistence when in Wales about fern and bracken. And there have been many others, where I make sweeping statements cutting people off. I probably do it at work to rather than ask questions. I would like to stop God.
Why I do it? Well years of conditioning and also my distorted ways of being as an addict. That combination doesn't bode well. The thing is the why won't have a chance of being revealed unless I stop the behaviour and attitude first.
I can see clearly the way it brings in unmanageability and can see now how coming to realise this I can get some sanity restored into my life with some help. So I can stop castigating myself and instead turn to God. Ad then I can trust to let go to God. Hand this over to him. Here I am God I trust that you are showing me these things now and it seems I'm ready to see them. The defects that come up are being argumentative, and a need to be right, then the other person is wrong which makes me feel OK about myself (apart from now seeing it I feel terrible about myself if I'm not careful). Then I have to exaggerate and lie to back up my argumentative self. So another defect has to come into play to bolster up the first defect of PRIDE from a negative connotation.
Pride is a lack of a sense of self and this is fear. I think I need to be  somebody better than that body to be OK. Insecurity which is fear. All driven by fear.
So the way forward is to keep quiet when I find myself going into argumentative battle. What is the point anyway?
Now this is competition. And this was the subject raised by M. And I find her competitiveness quite difficult not least because I get competitive too.
I was disappointed that she wanted her own way for the entry to the art gallery. It seemed inconsiderate and inflexible. I stated my need for my food but it was all about her not travelling earlier and I stated that it was the same for all of us to leave by a certain time. The reality is I could have said we need to be in by 9 and then if she didn't want to go that was up to her. But I didn't want her not to go. Howe flipping complex it all is.
So then I harboured a resentment really and was trying to be gracious by saying oh ok never mind then. And so then when the subject of competitiveness was raised I was straight on to it. My resentment slipped through.
Wow! Of course. I hadn't seen that.
Am I very selfish God? Do I always want things my own way? I don't think I do but perhaps others see that differently? It would be interesting to know.
I'm not sure I am ready to hear such feedback though.

So in the meantime I need to start by not entering into any affray. Please God can you help me to stand back. I have noticed I've done that more often at work. I need to do it with M an with A. Gosh I am an argumentative person. My mum was right. She said I argue for argues sake. It's flipping true. But I think it's linked with harboured resentments of being controlled. Both A and M have ways of being that leave me feeling controlled. A tries to control and she knows it. It rubs me up the wrong way to see her doing with others and even more so when she tries to do it to me. And yet she's so generous in her help for me. Whether she moans about it or not like she moans about everyone and everything is highly likely. Of course I would be lost without her help so I am unlikely to raise the matter.
As for M I am wondering about the friendship. I find it difficult at times. She doesn't make much contact and when she does it can take a while before she talks about anything. Other times she talks all about her. She wants to know about me but then tells me how to be. She thinks she is being hard done by if she does things other people's way. She does get competitive. She accuses me of not having contact when I haven't called for a few days and yet is the same herself. This is the sort of thing that riles me when she talks about things like competitiveness. And when she accuses me of being secretive. Or when she accuses me of anything. It is very pointy finger and as if she is righteous. I feel judged by M - often. And then there is always the difficulty of things like other people involved in things we are doing. I think I am much more open often to include people even spontaneously but it causes M difficulty and then there is friction.
This going to London for Munch for example. I had said I would go with A and M. I said afterwards that both wanted to go and that we'd arrange a date to go together. M has a choice to pull out if she wishes. As does A.
It seems so much hassle to organise doing things, so when I organise with A M accuses me of doing so much with A and not with her. When I do things with M it's on her terms really.
Ugh! It's hard work. I like easy-going and this isn't.
So then I wonder why I try so hard. And then I feel sad. I feel sad that I can drift away from another friend. There is part of me that wants to say bye before she does and there's yet another person that has broken off friends all harshly.
I don't want that either. Please God I hand this over to you to show me how and what I need to do.
I do feel sad that there's an increasing distance between us. I didn't want to see it before but I do.
I will just keep in contact, making the odd call once a week. I will need some help to put some boundaries on that and not have these long calls unless they are at her expense. Similar with G the long calls have been at his expense. I need to do the same with V. It's good to ramble around ideas but for too long when I am conscious of high expenses and not affording them, this is insanity.

OK God all these things are presenting themselves to me. My fear of being rejected is high and yet I am becoming more comfortable being alone and find I am not lonely. Not recently anyway. I have You closer to me these days. Thank you God for showing me how to let you in more and more.
It's only take all of this time.
I don't like some of the undercurrent remarks M makes too. There seems to be a caustic under current. Mind you I feel that from time to time with A too.
I would prefer to spend time with people that are open and genuine and that requires me to nurture that in myself.
I cannot speak to A or M about these things without them becoming defensive because of course I would be pointing out their defects and that is not my job. What is the right way to approach this God. I trust that you will show me and so I hand that over to you and let go. Of course I will angst about it and stress in an urgency to know and get it right and perfect - but I hope to keep remembering to hand it over.
I would like to be the best friend I can be. I don't think walking away from M is the best thing right now anyway. But I do feel sad that there are those comments when my intention is generally good and loving. I get spiteful and stubborn in my disappointment and hurt.
Please remove this God. I am prepared to sit with the hurt and disappointment and that may mean speaking with people I know in fellowship.

I think I am learning just a little
Thank you God


Then back to the subject of competitiveness. I think M was really talking about judgement. What I said and am ashamed of is that competitiveness is not necessary. But I left no room for grey areas. My thoughts therefore on competitiveness and then I would like to open it up for more ideas to help me understand competitiveness.
I think from an evolutionary psychologist perspective there would be a real need for competitiveness on the basis of survival. Without it there might not be any motive to get up and hunt for example and improve survival conditions. I wonder what the theories from this evolutionary perspective really are.
I will have to do some research on that. In the meantime ... I think there is a need to compare myself with myself. It is good to measure things to see achievement and change. That is comparison. However it is not competitiveness - there are subtle difference I think. And it is not judgement either. Making judgements are important. But as I am aware judgements require time but time alone is not enough either. I don't think M meant competitiveness as she introduced all these other concepts too. But on the subject of competitiveness I wonder how valid it is in these days. It does set person up against person and unless someone is very serene this can cause friction and contention. If someone loses does this mean they are no good. But if someone wins it doesn't mean they are better as a person. There is always a winner and a loser and success and failure. These are a part of life but competitiveness on it's own is dangerous. Being able to determine ones assets within loss or failure is important. And failure doesn't mean a write off. Competitiveness for territory has caused wars. Wanting bigger land or wanting bigger assets cause the tensions. And then wanting the bigger, the best, the most. It's all so unhelpful. What is a useful scenario for competitiveness.
I only ever feel negativity from competitiveness. It's OK for the winners. But then look at the crowds drawn for the Olympics. There is all the preparation and getting fitter at the cost of potential problems later on. The para Olympics are seen as a great achievement for people who are less able bodied for various reasons.
I am sure there is validity to competition. I just see negativity attached to it. It sets up rivalry. Look at the frenzies that can occur over football. It brings out an aggression in people. It also brings out a camaraderie amongst the in-group but the hostility towards the out-group (Tajfel) and from this is borne prejudice and envy and anger.
Hmmm this gives a lot of food for thought.
Why do we have such strong urges for competitions. And how can that negativity be channelled into positivity as it seems such an essential human way of being. And when it's not useful how can one easily step away from it or redirect it usefully?

Anyway I think there is a human need for it and it exists of course. I wonder what M was talking about when she raised the concept. But I jumped down her throat so never actually got to know. I did hear her say that perhaps that was the wrong word and then started talking about comparison and judgement. I will never know

What I do know is that I would like to be more of a listener than a dictator. Until I know where the balance is I would prefer to listen ad observe and ask questions.
So please what do other people think about competitiveness; it's usefulness, the devastation that I see as a result of it and how to use it constructively?
Comments are always welcome but it seems no one reads these pages. They seem to be mainly looking at pages with sexual images. Well at least the Blog is being looked at for some reason.
That wasn't my intention of course. I can't remove those things because they are all a part of the journey but it does stop me from allowing people I know to have the Blog address. Not to mention people I've spoken about getting offended when I actually know it's all about me growing and learning and nothing intentionally harmful is laid in blame. It's all about removing me from the picture and removing blame ad just seeing what's left. We are all individuals trying to make our way through and some of us with a lot of distorted and conditioned thinking.
Bless us all


Bliss
XX

 

The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde

Gosh! What a story. Why is it that when a loyal friend dies it is heart breaking?
I would like to tell you this story. I will only be summarising it.
A swallow fell in love with a reed. And all Summer amidst his fellow peers, he courted the reed. Flying low over the water and creating silvery circles with a light touch of his wing.
It soon became time for the swallows to move to warmer climates and his friends encouraged the swallow to travel to Egypt with them. But he was in love with the reed and said that he would stay with her.
As time passed he became tired of the reed accusing her of being a coquette ad flirting constantly with the wind. He was also bored as she did not speak with him and share ideas. Ad so he decided to set off to join his fellows in Egypt.
As the night feel he decided to settle on a ridge to sleep and just as he was tucking his head under his wing a drop of water fell on him. He was perturbed, looking at the clear night sky and bright stars wondering how it could be raining and so tried to settle again. He felt another drop of water and complained about the pointlessness of a statue that didn't shelter him from the rain. And when he looked up what did he see there. The statue of the Happy prince was crying from his sapphire eyes.
H stated his complaint to the Happy Prince who explained that he had been living in a beautiful palace with his family where sorrow wasn't permitted and so he was named the Happy Prince. The Happy Prince recounted " and happy indeed I was if pleasure be happiness. And so I lived and so I died. And now they have set my up here high above the city so that I can all the ugliness and misery ...". (This suddenly gave a different sense of what contributes to happiness - happiness includes taking pleasure from things but is not exclusive to this). As a statue he said that he could see sorrow even with his heart of lead. When he died the courtiers set him up on these high pillars in all splendour of jewels and gold to commemorate the Happy Prince. His eyes had been turned to sapphires and his clothes were a splendour of gold. His gold leafed sword hung from his belt and was studded with the most beautiful ruby brought from India.
The Happy Prince told the swallow about a very poor, sad woman who's son was very ill with fever and crying for oranges but all his mother could bring him was water. He asked the swallow to remove the ruby from his sword and take it to the woman so that she can afford to buy oranges to help her weeping son. At first the swallow resisted the request saying that he needed to rest as he was going to Egypt tomorrow. The Happy Prince asked him to stay just one night and help him with this task. The swallow conceded and did as the Happy prince asked.
Of course the woman was overjoyed and thankful. The swallow returned to the Happy prince and said how on this cool evening he suddenly felt very warm and joyful in his heart. (And of course this is another contributory factor in finding happiness). The swallow was curious about his warmth and the Happy Prince said it was because he'd done a good action.
Each evening this went on, with The Happy Prince asking the swallow to deliver various jewels from him and deliver to people in need. Each time the swallow resisted slightly but agreed to stay one more night.
He flew around the city and was recognised as a very distinguished visitor and felt good about this.
There was a student in his garret unable to finish a play but was too cold too write and he was so hungry he felt faint. The swallow with his good heart agreed to stay just one more night. The Happy Prince asked him to take one of his sapphire eyes. The swallow delivered the sapphire and the student believed that someone was beginning to appreciate his work and now he could make a fire and complete his play.
The next evening asking the swallow to stay one more night. The swallow complained that it was winter and too cold. The Happy Prince talked of a little match girl in the square. She has dropped her matches and this will mean her father will beat her and there was no food. The swallow didn't want to take his last sapphire as the Happy prince would then be quite blind. However the Happy prince insisted and so the swallow did as he was bid.
Returning to the Prince he said he would stay with him always as the Prince was now blind. He sat by day telling the prince of his stories of his travels. The Prince asked him to fly over the city and tell him what he saw. He saw the rich making money whilst the poor sat at the gates starving and he saw black corners with the listless hungry looking out at the streets.
Under the archway of a bridge too little boys lay together trying to keep each other warm. The watchman turfed them away. He told the Prince who said the swallow must take off leaf by the leaf the covering on him. The happy prince became quite dull and grey. The poor became rosier and were no longer hungry.
With the cold and the frost coming the swallow grew colder and colder and tried to keep warm by flapping his wings. He knew he was going to die but had enough strength to fly up to the Prince to say goodbye. The Prince though he meant to go to Egypt. The prince asked him to kiss him on the lips for he loved him.
He said he was dying and that death was the brother of sleep.
There was then the sound of a curious crack and the fact was that the leadened heart of the prince had broken and snapped in two.
The mayor was in the square below the next morning. As he looked up at the statue he remarked on how shabby the Happy prince looked - in fact he is little better than a beggar. And he saw that there was a dead bird at his feet proclaiming that birds should no longer be allowed to die here.
The professor at the university said that as he was no longer beautiful he was no longer useful.
So they decided to put the statue in a furnace and decided what was to be done with the metal. The mayor said that they should replace the statue with a statue of himself.
What a strange thing - the broken lead heart would not melt in the furnace and threw it on a dust heap where the dead bird was lying.
God said to his angels bring me the most precious things in the city. The angels brought him the leaden heart and the dead bird.
God said that in his garden of paradise the little bird shall sing forever more and in the city of gold the Happy prince shall praise me.



G talked about this fairy tale and also the Selfish Giant both by Oscar Wilde. G is quite an extraordinary man and is interesting to talk with. I like it when people can introduce me to new things. He told me that when he read this he cried. I cried in my heart although not actually tears. I can feel the pain just as I did with the Velveteen Rabbit, That connectedness of love between tow unlikely beings. And the injustice of death and loss. It seems so unfair when they had bonded through adversity.
But more than this I can see in this story ways in which happiness is an action from within. Doing things despite oneself and because one can. Doing things for other people and bringing joy to them. Taking care of others when there are so many that cannot or will not. All that kindness and generosity and love. And yet there are so many striving for happiness through pomp and self gain. They appear happy and untroubled but I think they are blinded by their "things" and their ego. They cannot see beneath the surface of themselves and their leadened hearts.
It is heartening that God takes them into the garden of Paradise. And by this I don't know if there is such a place. If it is actual or not. But what I do know is that they died with true happiness, with love and achievement and fulfilment.
I was wondering what it is in me that I feel so sad for their passing. The Happy Prince died with a broken heart. The swallow died for his love of the Prince. is that just the way of things? I suppose it is. His time was up. But I'm thinking that if he'd gone to Egypt sooner he would have lived longer. But in living longer he would have missed out of the happiness of togetherness and love with the prince and the warmth of heart in doing good things for people in need. He would not have shared his experiences and memories like he did with the Prince. I can see that the happiness is there and is a culmination of many things. But that sadness that I feel? Ad the fact that people who are taking and have things even live longer, it all seems so unjust. Yet those people never get a to feel the way the swallow and the Prince felt. They can often by-pass those beautiful soulful things.
It's a battle and it's the battle I've had for a long time. Reconciling that sense of injustice, why bad things happen to good people and vice versa it seems. It's a lifelong project to make sense of and I probably never will until I die.
It is how it is.

Then there is the issue of G. I have enjoyed mulling over ideas. I am uncertain as to his motives and perhaps I need to be clear about my motives rather than concerning myself with what he is wanting or not. I can get easily sucked into the excitment of attention. And I need totake stock of this. Three have been the texts and now this has progressed to phone calls and they are late at night and lengthy. So we are simply mulling over ideas and that's very likely all it is for him. However for me it can mean anything. And this I need to be aware of. It creates unmanageability as well. One, there is the wondering and that in itself causes problems of not telling people that I am wondering because in fact I do not fancy him for what he presents overall. I can see he was probably once an attractive man but today he has a well lived in face and one tired from drinking and angst. Two, his financial situation is not at all sound. Three, his sense of self care shows thourhg his standard of dressing, i.e. dirty old trainers. That may sound fickle but he doesn't present himself as someone who is taking care of himself. However, to get to know as a friend is OK. Within that I need to be boundaried. I cannot talk for hours late into the night. Unlike him I do work and do have studies and need to sleep. I cannot spend hours ad hours chatting as much as I'd like to. I also am not in any way wanting any kind of relationship. So I need to be better around this. If I cannot tell people then I muct not do it.
So from now on how do I set boundaries God without being rude and rejecting him especially as he said that the slightest glance away would be received by him as rejection of him. I want to be thoughtful and that would have meant knowing this in the first place.
He has been in fellowship about 25 years and when I asked how long without drink, he said he struggled for many of them. I understood this to mean drinking and when I asked how long he said 24 3/4. So now I don't know how long he has actually been abstinent and there are times when I wondered if he'd had a drink.
He has been very honest with me abnout events and behaviours within his life and within his drinking and that is something I feel very honoured to have heard. I do not want to create a bad feeling and yet I need to be boundaried.
Please God can you guide me here for the best of me and my well-being and for him and his well-being.
Thank you God. I trust you will show me how from a position of love and compassion.

You know what is attractive about him? His depth of thought, his openness to discuss these sorts of things, the way he draws from little things like films and fairy tales (it appears that he is a man with emotional awareness then), his obvious intelligence, his wit and his laugh. These things are the things that I am drawn to in him. They are there and very real but they are all it is. I need to keep that realistic otherwise I can end up sucked into something blinded by these few things without seeing the bigger picture. And then I feel ashamed of the person because I am ashamed of my selection. I feel ashamed for what I choose that is not good enough for me.
Does that make sense?
It's not the person I'm ashamed of at all. I make no judgement on the person and all those things pale into insignificance anyway so long as I keep in mind that I am not enetering into anything more than friendship.
Of course I make a judgement on what is OK for me but not in a judgement as in right or wrong of them. Am I amking that clear? I probably need some clarification with other people. I know what I mean. I hope someone else will understand me. I do not crticise any individual in my judgement, it is merely of what meets with my own needs and principles that I am judging on.
It wasn't like that in the past though.

Bliss
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