Catterwalling

What a great word!

 Dr King's polite command after seriously compromising the baddies in the great Western Django Unchained. Tarantino truly is a master, time and again. He seems to have a knack for the tongue in cheek seriousness of extreme situations. His composition is gripping, the colours, the use of music, the characters and plot, the actors he selects. Yes he has something that is definitely working for me. I don't suppose everyone likes his style. I can't imagine for instance my father seeing what I see in it. I loved Samuel L's character. Did Tarantino appear? I wasn't that observant. I might have to have a re-run on the look out. Or I could Google-cheat.

Anyway I think I've had my fill of catterwalling for the time being. Yesterday I felt quite melancholy but at the same time enjoying the company of my very good friends A and M. It was an easy day. I could be how I felt and that included laughter, love and appreciation. Baby R is delightful and I asked for a cuddle. I am not great with babies so it was her privilege but really it was mine and a great honour that she sat with me wriggling and gurgling for a little while. That was enough. I am there and looking forward to being along this journey with A.

Through last week I was reaching a crescendo of my anger. It was inappropriate the way I told Auntie O and was kind of a wake up call. I'm not always in control when in anger and that's what scares me about anger I think. It's difficult to remain gracious and rational in anger. If I don't allow it though it turns inwards and I can become very low very quickly. This can result in a complete inertia. I want to stick with my commitments this weekend. All but the studying it seems. I am meeting up as arranged and even being flexible when others want to change or some time. I have been invited to many different social gatherings and that's so lovely. How lucky I am.

Friday was time with G which I loved. I think if we can date for a while and see how things develop there is hope for us. Yesterday A and M and then an evening at home, chilly but with Val Doonican and Django Unchained and FB. Bloody FB; I become addicted so quickly. Today I am lunching with A and G and R and C is joining them with her family. The gals and I are meeting for a walk with the doggies beforehand. I'm taking my food as usual.

I announced to G yesterday that I had a break between courses the other day. I am back at Day 1. I hope this doesn't mean I have to depart from the new AWOL. I am liking the UK phone number for cost reductions and also the fact its on a Thurs at 9pm. Although I have fallen asleep a fair bit. I need earlier nights and hope that will happen with G here less. We must avoid late night calls. He will have to be more responsible for his home unless this drives him to spend even more time with D. It will be his choice I suppose. It is so frustrating that his "illness" creates these choices in him. Frustrating is an understatement. And I guess others will see that in me too. I am guided to make decisions that are not entirely thought through and without historical sub conscious motives. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for certain things. And that means he chooses ways that are not conducive to us having a future together. And yet I love him I realise. Bloody hell. It is a dilemma.

Anyway tomorrow I have plans to meet L for lunch and then suggested to G I meet up with him on the way back home. He keeps mockingly saying "when I allowed back to your place". I have set the rule though. I want to talk to him about my needs. I need some space and time. I do not want smoking in my flat and I'd prefer if when we're together he didn't spend quite as much time on his gadget - the new phone! It's been tedious but he's learnt it I'll give him that. And now he's bored of it wanting the next model with better facilities. Gosh! He's such an addict ha ha ha. Says I addicted to technology in my own way too.

I started to talk about my mum but felt so tearful and yesterday I just didn't want to be outwardly tearful. I feel more contemplative. And that's okay.

I need to tell G this morning in our sponsor call that I'd like to date G. I don't want her telling me not to and will say that this is a choice. It is an up and down relationship and I do have misgivings about the way he is. But I also love him. And perhaps this is the only way I can discover. Perhaps this is the process itself. Can she go along with me on this? I am teetering on leaving FA again. It's just so unforgiving in so many ways. And yet I don't want to. If I have to leave the AWOL I will reconsider my position. But those that have left I hear how the food starts to take over again ad to be honest I really enjoy the freedom from food that I have. I just think there is no flexibility and sometimes there can be. But I suppose there is the fact that I did take things into my own control - self-will run riot again. And if there are no consequences perhaps I don't learn to prioritise. However, if I didn't know it seems like a harsh punishment to me. There is no give at all. Okay, I will take the "punishment" but not happily and with a deflated feel to go with it.

 

Oh my gosh! I need to go an get showered, prepare my meal and speak with G all by 10 and its 9:07. I'm so not in a hurry with anything. I have writing and creative things occurring in my thoughts and less doing. I haven't had my quiet time wither. I will do that at some time today. I really do value it.

And I did see Tarantino - without having to cheat. I just hadn't seen it all the way through. DOH!

 

 

 

Cast Jamie Foxx Kerry Washington Leonardo DiCaprio Walton Goggins Christoph Waltz Samuel L. Jackson Don Johnson

Directors Quentin Tarantino

Screenwriters Quentin Tarantino Bliss xx

Control

Control is related to FEAR.

I must remember that when I feel I am being controlled. I think it a lot. It often sounds to me as if people are telling me what to do. Gosh do I react! I disagree, I get quite bolshy and defensive or I openly and sharply say the opposite. I feel it in me. I tense up.
I wonder if my reflections on being left alone from a little girl after school was anything to do with it. I used to do whatever I wanted really and then my parents would return and the rules of behaviour would suddenly be harsh compared with the previous hours of utter freedom. Confusing when I describe it. I remember SC pointing this out to me. It made sense. And now I wonder if it's been a part of this aversion to people seeming to tell or suggest. Also I think my dad was very manipulative. He would say things like "you're over doing it" because he wanted me to do what he wanted to do. Instead of stating his needs he would try to control. I've thought this of G too.
When I think people don't consider that I might know something I feel really pissed off with them - yes it's anger but whats the word. It's stronger than irritated.
What is this in me. I need top practise listening. It's worth listening and not reacting. Take things in.
G said that it was difficult to talk to me. I thought it was because I wasn't doing what he was suggesting and I thought what he was suggesting was because he didn't like what I was doing.
Another divorce resulted. But there was truth. The thing is I wasn't liking things he was doing or feeling that the relationship is the way I want things to be in my life. No doubt he would pick up on that.
There are so many layers in all of this. People with people.
I've always had to answer to my parents' judgement of me which I think was often misjudged. Yes some it was based on my terrible attitude and distorted ways as my "illness" was developing, ripening.
But there is control is this on my behalf too. Fear of being compliant, fear of losing self, fear of being controlled, fear of ??????
I'm not sure really what's going on but there is something.
With FA ad my sponsor I get really cross with being told what to do. Sometimes it's just about being liked and loved anyway for doing it my way and making mistakes. Does that me a bad person? I am very self-willed. I don't like disappointing people or annoying people but sometimes I think that's there stuff to deal with and just let me get on with it. But there's ego and selfishness in that. I must think about the consequences more and establish what I'm comfortable with as an outcome whatever it might be. Then I take or can make more informed choices. BUT let the outcome be whatever it is. Don' try and control it.
I do try and control outcomes by being people pleasing. I don't want people to think badly of me so I compromise myself. I lose a sense of what it is I really want.
It is such a muddle sometimes it feels too difficult to unpick.
So Universe I need your help is understanding and then please show me how to be and what to do for the very best of everyone concerned. I really mean it. Please give me courage where there's fear to follow you. I don't think that's always the easiest route but I would like to take it nonetheless. I don't want to stop living life though to do it.
So perhaps it is simply that I am going with the flow. I am not doing anything to harm anyone and if I could be upfront and honest then I am less likely to do that. I think Ga will be disappointed with me as I have gone against her suggestion. That's all it was and yet it sounded like an order.
Right then ...

I've done little about anything this morning. Does it really matter?
Probably not. I've had a relaxing morning and feel a lot better than I have done over the past few weeks. It's been building to a crescendo that I think erupted with me angrily presenting my case to Auntie O. It was not well delivered. It's what happens when I'm driven by anger.
So the truth is out there more and more now.

Gosh this song resonates. Not with the long ago blues. I've got the blues for love itself I think.

Still Got The Blues (For You) Gary Moore

Used to be so easy to give my heart away
But I found out the hard way
There's a price you have to pay
I found out that love was no friend of mine
I should have known time after time

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy to fall in love again
But I found out the hard way
It's a road that leads to pain
I found that love was more than just a game
You're playin' to win
But you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I've seen your face
Here in my heart, there's an empty space
Where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you.

Bliss
XX
 

Ninnyhammer

I really really can be a right ninnyhammer.
It's really evident to me most at work right now. I am very exposed. Just the two of us working there. I work with someone who is very precise and OCD ish in the sense of checking and double checking everything. Mistakes are not permissible. And so I'm much less of an editing type for example. I type out emails and send them and whoosh! All my typos are gone with the wind. And then when they come back it shows up to the perfectionist beside me and I feel the ninnyhammer I am.
I don't things through fully wither. I have so much on my mind other than the bigger picture. yesterday I went to the station with a client because he'd lost his rail ticket. I was pleased to be able to help. We chatted and when after saying cheerio I turned on my heels heading back to the office, hands in pocket to keep my fingers warm, to suddenly realise I don't have the keys to the front door. And with further awakening I realised that PD was now in a 1:1. It was a real count down hanging around outside, getting colder and colder. And as it got close to the opening hour and no sign I thought on nooooo is he having a 1 1.2 hour session. Anyway he emerged, surprised to see me. I found it funny just how ninkampoopish I can be.
I do little things like this all the time. I am exposed. It's the kind of thing I'm scared for people to see. I would be terrified with my dad of him tut tutting tutting at me in judgement and intolerance. He never ever saw the funny side. And my mum? I don't know. I think she would be angry with me for angering my dad.
When I was about 6, 7, 8 and so on I was letting myself in after school. I had jobs to do like turn the oven on and things. I had a backdoor key and with my empty house, I'd go out and play with my friend in the park. A few times I lost the key. My dad would be furious. I mean literally furious calling me an idiot etc. Really berating me, whilst having to saw through the lock. I was a child! Yet I took it on that was a complete idiot. I am only seeing now that it was unreasonable of them to leave me. I think that was when Mrs Skerrett was brought in on the scene. Probably that was the time my mum had been challenged at work needing to take better care of me after work. She was a career lady and put that first. It was all I knew, my norm but really I have always wanted my mum. It's created an Independence but I think there's a strong will there that either genetic or influenced by them and the life I lived.
I am looking back with a reality check that it wasn't that good for me. I am less angry about it today. The anger is truly diminishing for the time being. I hope some day that I won't be triggered so powerfully. At least I've done little damage.
Apart from the void being filled with G. I do not want him to be void fixer, like wood filler.

Bliss
XX

Volcanoising the monsters

I think the rage is subsiding. Or was it the disbelief of my Auntie O?
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that  but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.


An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to  work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."

Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.

I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)

Bliss
XX

 

Discombobulation

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished, Bliss, is like finding fault with a lion because it can't fly, a bird because it can't swim, or tree because it can't leave...

With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.

I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?

Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you

Bliss
X

Fear vs Considering Others Feelings

Where is the line between these. We have this ability to be able to read people BUT do we really read them or do we impute our own interpretations, drawn from our experiences bot positive and negative onto others. I know people who think they read others and talk about getting a sense of what's going on. BUT they don't know me really when it comes to it. Yes they will have picked up something but not accurately. And it is annoying when they think they KNOW.
And I think I am over sensitive to this. I think I KNOW. So a flash of a look or a raise of an eyebrow or a downturn of a mouth. There's a psychological term for this and a US series was based on it. A load of rubbish as a series really but I liked the inference. It's just that people do (including me I hasten to add) seem to make assumptions that they know without checking out.
How to check out though when someone seems over sensitive themselves or angry. And to do it without pissing people off. Is that fear or is that consideration? I'm not sure.
Right now I believe G is yet again in a stroppy mood. He withdrew last night when saying to me that he thought I was doing too much and I disagreed. I read into his comment, like I often did with my dad, that it was a manipulative way for me to do what he wanted me to do, i.e. less studying. Or something like that. I think he has feelings about the time I'm putting into it. And instead of saying that outright I've read into his statement. And my response was "I'm not doing too much". He was angry saying that I just don't like being told what to do. He's probably right. Actually he is right. I get really irritated when people state the flipping obvious like you need to take time out, or do your study in blocks of 20 minutes etc. I KNOW!!!! I'm not a flipping idiot. But they don't know what I know or not. I just think people could give me more credit.
Anyhow, he withdrew and I went to bed. I'm just tired of the moodiness and withdrawal. It's hard work. I can just let him get on with it though and write and study. I'm not sure about this afternoon though as I think we were going to walk together and then visit the F's. But to be honest I would rather go alone if he's going to be moody and critical as he often is. He will feel uncomfortable which I get but instead of dealing with that he becomes grouchy and rude. I don't need that shit ANYMORE. I've had it all my life. Amazing how I am seeing the similarities and yet letting it happen. And then I wonder why my mum didn't do anything to change the situation.
I want to say to G that I need some time and space. But I then feel sad for him. People have always got rid of him. His mother. The most critical relationship. And then children's homes. How fucking awful. I want to show him I love him for the person he is. I'm not sure though I want a deeper relationship than that. Yet I went into it hammer and tongs and usual. Playing house well before I knew if it was right or wrong for me. I always do this. And then as things dawn on me I lose respect and then it becomes resentment and difficult to unpick. I don't want to lose his friendship. I love him I truly do. But I'm not in love with the entirety of him. But then I question is this me wanting out when things get tricky and not how I like things to be??
Please Universe show me and help me. I do not want to hurt G at all. I really don't. And at the same time I want to take care of myself. Until I know how to I will do nothing.
I need to call the F's though.

And I think I need to speak with my client if the opportunity arises. Only the Universe will make that happen or not. I would like to tell her that this has cause me much consideration since we spoke. She really matters and I have been enjoying working with her and observing her incredible tenacity and determination. It doesn't happen often. I regret that my own lack of clarity has even raised this issue. My mistake was in not being clear about talking about the impact of situations on her rather than talking about the specific events in the group environment. And this raised concerns about whether that can be raised in group or not. We wanted to protect her from that and I was clumsy in my delivery. I will certainly learn from that and sorry that my delivery has caused the worry that it has. I am also sorry that I hadn't been clear in even the follow up discussion which was indicative of my own lack of clarity about the issue in the first place. She was right that I/we need to be certain of this.
I don't know how to follow it up from that point onwards. Depending on what happens on Monday there may be a chance to say this in a 1:1 and in the meantime I have supervision on Tuesday morning to really bring all of my feelings to the fore.

So G is saying that he can't talk to me at all. Is that true? I don't think it's entirely true. He's been getting grumpier as the week has gone on. He tells me I bat things away when he makes suggestions. I did bat that away last night because of my thoughts that he was wanting me to not study or there's some reaction to me not having as much available time. He's right on that part I did bat it away.
However the way he then uses that as a way of batting me away makes it impossible to talk. I really don't think I want to bother trying anymore
So I think it needs to end. And I think it will end with difficulty. Another bad feeling in the world which I really would prefer not to have to have.
Universe please help me.

Bliss
XX
 

Incredulous

Well my essay is written. It's not great but at least the first draft is done. I will go for a walk and take another look later on.
I must submit it tomorrow afternoon anyway.

I am continuing to have washes of disbelief but less so. I am not feeing as self piteous as I was
Bliss
X
This was written two weeks ago

Life Without Fear

I like the idea of life without fear. I've known for some time that I'm just living in fear, especially with my dad. I have been perpetually scared. Until 12 Step recovery I hadn't known that I was afraid. I was just trying desperately to get things right so that he would approve. I never could of course. When i was good it wasn't enough or the right kind of good and so then I'd rebel and receive his wrath. He died with that wrath and dislike still in tact. Strongly. The last time I saw him conscious was in the hospital. As usual there wasn't much to speak about. What could have been talked about was his condition and spoken some real truths. But I couldn't and no doubt he wouldn't. The very last thing my dad ever said to me or did to me was in anger and feigning sleep to get rid of me. Bastard! I'm trying to just accept that this is how he wanted things and that's acceptable. of course it is how it is/was but it's hurtful emotionally. All I wanted was some acknowledgement and I suppose I wanted some apology for the past. He would and could never do that of course. And then the final slight of disinheriting me.
With his death I feel relief. As horrible as that may sound to some people, his death means that perhaps there is some freedom now. I may be able to move further away from the fear. Certainly I am feeling a little bit stronger and certainly more aware. I am tired of being beholden because of my fear. I'm so concerned always about getting things wrong and not knowing my opinion. I don't know what is the best thing. I don't know always what I like or dislike. I have a gap between me and me. I am prepared to allow myself to discover now.
Anyway now I no longer have to seek his approval. He's dead! I just see thought the legacy of his attitude towards me throughout my life. And there's a lot to unpick.
I'm realising I'm angry with my mum though. She must have been in such denial. Yet I know she lived in fear of him. I don't know if she overcame it but she certainly did start doing more of the things she wanted. But neither of us were comfortable with visitors. I didn't help. I would also hate the intrusion of people in the end. But I was slouching home for a comfort weekend often and didn't want others there. Plus of course it was always hassle because my dad was so moody beforehand and then not at ease in his skin when people were there. I would be either belittled publicly or have to get things right etc. It was all so tense. My mum would insist though in the end. Good for her.
But she must have known more than me what a twat my dad was. All the lies and his foul behaviour.

So it is a nice feeling that I might be able to work towards a life without fear. It probably will not ever leave me completely but I have a chance to get some freedom. I have experienced the freedom from the food and as I step back into Step one, I really do know that the fear has utter control over me and with it comes a lot of unmanagability - lies, secrets, manipulation, demands, insecurity, anxiety, gossip, resentment, rebellion, self-hatred, negativity, jealousy, despondency, inertia, isolation. And so on. Not a way to live
I feel a sense of needing to fly from here. I keep looking out and as beautiful as the area is it just doesn't look beautiful to me at the moment. My fear of going is the financial insecurity. I would like to simply trust and go with the flow. I don't need to live to a ripe old age and some of my fear is health. I'm thinking of India and Far East you see. I feel a loyalty to PD with the business  but with a week like this past week I am too afraid really. You see fear is everywhere within me.
Please Universe, please show me how to trust the belief in you that I have. Show me how to step from this fear into being the adventurer on a grander scale than the life I've been leading. I want to be out there. I feel trapped and have done so for my entire life. My dad is dead now. Help me to live the person who is inside of me.
Thank you Universe
Bliss
XX
 

LIES

Sometimes, what's really cool, Bliss, is giving profuse thanks for the good fortunes that befall others - no matter who they are - because, invariably, your joy for them will yield the same good fortunes for you.

Shoe-wee!
The Universe

Not easy to do but I'm prepared to practise this. However, I feel angry and I see how much of a block it is to being able to practise such spirituality. The thing is I do feel angry and I guess I need to let it out. I just don't know how to do that well. I have in the past raged and in my rage I can be so destructive. I don't want to be destructive anymore.
So how do I vent my anger. I'm sharing about.
I'm angry that my dad left everything to his wife. I'm angry that he wouldn't allow me to be close with him in anyway and was actually just rude. I'm angry that he has cut me out for the past 11 and a bit years. I am angry so won't even allow it to move towards 12 years.
I'm angry that he bothered to keep in contact and I'm also confused about this. I'm angry that he more than likely (but I don't know for certain) told T, his wife a whole host of untruths about everything including my mum and me too. How fucking dare he. I'm angry yet I don't know this for sure. And I'm angry about that too.
I'm angry as I'm discovering that all these years I've known him to be a liar but I've been too afraid to challenge that. I'm angry that my mum did nothing about it. As someone said denial perhaps and how strong denial can be. I'm angry that she might have been in denial as I've always thought her more together than that. Perhaps I was just hopeful. And I'm angry that she might have known more about the way my dad was towards me but did nothing at all about it. I'm fucking furious about that because it's taught me that it was actually the right way to be treated.
I'm angry that I'm so bloody well controlled by other people. I'm angry that within that I'm compliant yet rebellious and resentful inside. Or I desperately attempt to control and can't even see yet how that manifests in me. I know that I can be secretive, dishonest, manipulative and flounder attempting to justify. Just today I didn't say that I didn't mean to share specific details but to share how a person feels about situations. And this person can sense my avoidance. That's it avoiding owning the reality which some of it this morning was not knowing what the reality for me actually was. So flipping infuriating.
I'm angry that my dad abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I'm angry that at times I question whether that's even true. It was true for me! I'm angry that my dad was never made answerable for that. There is justice at a higher level. I need to trust that.
I'm angry that he disinherited me and discredited me and this I do know as he's openly belittled me for as long as I can remember. And in my anger I'm prepared to discredit him. I am bloody deliriously happy that other people know he was a liar. It's vindicating. So other people knew too. Someone asked me why I'm not angry with them for doing nothing all these years. I was angry. I didn't understand how people could stand by and not do a thing about it. But denial is easier. I am concerned that the little girl opposite me has been abused in some way by her father. He was odd and now isn't around thank goodness. I felt so uncomfortable with him. A would scream oddly at times and behave outrageously. He asked me to take her under my wing. Yuch! And yet did I do anything? NO. It's quite a frightening thing to do. But we as adults are these days told we are all responsible for the safeguarding of children. And there was nothing like this when I was younger. People turn a blind eye. What goes on behind closed doors is no one else's business. I'm not angry with those people anymore. What could they do with their own uncertainty?
I'm angry though. I'm bloody angry.
And then I'm angry with me. I'm afraid of people. I'm in the grips of power of it. Powerless over people, places and things. And yet I give people so much power. They have control over me and I am furious about it. It's not them. Well they have their part. If everyone was simply loving and giving - apart from boring - things would be easier. I am sick and tired of giving my power to people. I don't know how to alter this but I am seeing it more clearly.
On Wednesday I met with PW, a friend of my fathers from the HAC. I had always believed because my dad implied it, that they had served together in Korea. No. It turns out they met when my dad was in the HAC. My dad was a sergeant apparently with MT (motor transport). Basically I've discovered what I always thought, that my dad was an oik. He tried to be something else. He was a snob. My mum was but at least she admitted it. I am a snob too but a lot more covert. I want to be from wealth and graciousness. Why? It's crazy, because others seem to respect money and status and power.
PW told me an endless stream of his adventures in life. Surviving Cancer in his 50's, a scholarship to Brentwood. But at 14 years old he joined the army. He joined within education and so when in Korea he was a correspondent. My dad implied that PW didn't see the raw end. But he landed in the Battle of the Hook. And having read about that briefly as with all wars, it was devastated with casualties.
PW and JH are uncertain about my dad's honesty. They are questioning the medals my dad has actually worn. PW said that they think he wore medals he wasn't entitled to wear. PW wanted my permission to explore this further. As we talked and talked, he said we really clicked. I told him that my dad sexually abused me. He was sad for me but was neither shocked nor surprised and said this. He told me that my dad was the randiest man he had ever met. I feel it in my female areas as I write it. It disgusts me to know it yet is also a relief. People are not disbelieving m. I told my second cousin LW last Friday. She was sad for me having asked why I thought the relationship between my dad and I was so awful. hey apparently had wondered as a family for some time why it was like it was. I told her. The sexual abuse of course gets the reaction but really it was the emotional ad mental abuse that;s just if not more destructive. I thought I was the problem for as along as I can remember. That has had a devastating impact on my life. Yes I am sorry for the behaviours that I brought to my parents' door. But frankly there are situations from childhood that have contributed to my inability to fully function effectively. I have had little or no self esteem. I do recall in my 20's thinking I was indestructible yet feeling so worthless. I was unworthy of a relationship I would have liked instead accepting crumbs. Always! Still do.
I am so angry about this. But how do I release this anger? It feels like an energy that is bursting out of me. Yet I don't know how to let it out. Sometimes it simply phut phut's out. Other times it roars out of me. Addictive behaviours have been ways of expelling anger. Dramatic reactions another. And some addictive behaviours I think are closely associated with things that happened in the past. FUCKING HELL!
So now do I contest the will? I think I need to. It's about the money but it's also about the principle of it all. He completely denied the past. I suspect he had to to cover his lies in the past years with T. But it is pure speculation on my part. And infuriating that I can't get the truth out there. Having it publicised in court is quite a cathartic idea. I've feigned difficulty with the idea. I believed it at the time but actually the difficulty is the entire situation, even my discomfort with it being about the money to any extent at all. I feel guilty and thieving; my dad's thoughts about me. He always said I would steal the bricks of the house if I could. He thought I was a taker. I probably am but it's not all I am. I'm very caring and giving. I like people and I care about people. I am a trier even if I don;t attain the top. I achieve as best as I can and that's good enough. My dad didn't have any self respect so he was never ever going to have any respect in mediocre me. He was less than mediocre as a man so had to fabricate his status as a hero. I wanted him to be the hero he said he was. He instilled in me the belief that high achievers and high status was the only thing worthwhile. And of course money and medals and things like that were the evidence. Poor him, never ever feeling good enough and more than likely right to his bitter end. And I was a disappointment to him.
He called me and said I love you and wish you the best for the  future. Did he really? Was anything he said or did believable. There must have been some truth in there somewhere.
And then G arrives here in his grumpy mood and snaps at me when I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking as meaning  nothing. Fuck off then. Take your constant grumpy mood away. I'm tired of people. Tired of being bloody well scared and controlled. I am not happy with this situation. And whilst I try to be acceptant there are beginning to more things that are dissatisfactory than not. A magnificent man, nice, intelligent, interesting, quick witted, amusing, passionate about birds and flowers and such like and some people. But there are behaviours and attitudes too that are completely horrible. I am tired of it. I need space and a break. How do I do this? Well however he reacts is up to him. He dog sits soon. But I want space and time before then. Maybe that;s all it is, me wanting some space and time. I am tired of being criticised based on his issues. I'm tired of being accused for things I do not do. I'm tired of being controlled i.e. not being able to have my friends arrive when I want or go out when I want. Is that selfish? Perhaps it is but it's how it is for me. And I'm tired of his mess. He's done some lovely things.
He owes me money and it's funny that as he might get some money he is getting grumpier and probably working towards an exit left. Apparently the left hand side of the stage is bad luck or something. However, I can't find anything on a first look on the Internet. Anyway I am using it in that context, meaning linked with nastiness or resentment and all words that could be associated with this.
So if people don't like me then simply fuck off. What's the point of badness hanging around. There are plenty of people with whom there is no badness overall. Perhaps if I was living with them in my life to the same scare the badness would always become more significant for me. I am demanding and want to simply be more accepting. I think transience can make acceptance easier. Perhaps?

So how am I going to practise giving profuse thanks for T's inheritance from my dad?Especially when I feel so angry. It's almost as if by giving profuse thanks I let go of it completely. And yet the idea is that being profusely thankful I receive in heaps and bounds. It would be releasing. Please God help me to be profusely thankful for T's windfall. Please can I have a windfall as well somehow?
What would I do with it? Well my dad's message would be that I will fritter it away on some fucking idiot. So what if I did? Is that so wrong? It was in his bigoted opinion. PW agreed with me when I called him a bigot. And PW married a Chinese lady. How international PW seemed. But I saw him get quite angry and pompous with a lady behind the bar when he couldn't get the life. His ego rose sharply to the surface. He also spent nigh on 5 hours talking about himself. Interesting. Yet there were moments of humble acts he talked about. If he was truly humble I don; think he would tell me about his decision to leave money anonymously to Brentwood. And I was aware how important money and status was for him too. He talked about it all the way through. He has a remarkably charmed life though and that was fascinating. I am profusely thankful for him although a little envious too. I'd like to have some of what he has. And I was horrified that as I sat there talking about how painful it has been to be disinherited by my father, he talked about disinheriting his own children. He talked about his daughter in a derogatory manner. I think he might have been more thoughtful about that but he wasn't to know how dreadful I feel as a result of my dad's constant castigation of me. It rubs off and I believe it.
I would like for this to lift. And so with a relapse on my food on Wednesday I am returning to Step One with a look at the ways in which I give power to people. I was so afraid to ask for the food I needed to remain abstinent and as a result I ate bread! I couldn't ask for veg and salad. How alarming it is to realise that I would not organise my food in fear of showing my ignorance and not asking for what I wanted. I was able to say that I didn't want the whisky and water PW had bought me in error after I asked for a sparkling water. But I wasn't able to ask for the food I needed.
So a relapse. I'm off the AWOL and that's not such a bad thing as I have now joined one on a Thursday evening at 9pm. It's quite late but there are benefits - a UK mobile number, a gentle co-leader who I like how she seems. I will have my whole Sunday for study and relaxation without guilt of being o the AWOL or having not to be on the AWOL. Plus I will not have to listen to B and take inventory of her controlling manner. Back to Step One and an opportunity to look at this powerlessness of people. And the unmanageability when I comply and be open to look at the controlling as well.
Today I was affected having yesterday raised an issue in connection with safeguarding children. I hadn't raised the alarm myself from a 1:1 but my error was not being specific on advising the client to talk about her feelings and the impact on her of a alcoholic in her life. As a result PD wanted to raise the confidentiality issue when concerned about children. I felt bad about not having thought to raise the issue, so criticised without being criticised actually. So I react with the client and she has reacted badly to that. Consequently PD is annoyed that she might leave. The consultant is annoyed that I frightened her. But worse than all of that she is disappointed, angry and has had her trust in me broken. I feel sad and have let her down. I don't like that. Partly because I want to be a party to a persons well-being, not create more pain. But also because I want to be liked and get things right. That's the bit I want to drop as it creates all sorts of unnecessary behaviours and attitude. Please God help me, show me what I need to do and how I need to be. It's a bit of a shove for the ego too as I was beginning to believe in my own hype as a good therapist, even better than therapist! And clearly I'm not. I'm human like all the rest.
I know I do my best. I'm currently hurting slightly. It will pass and I don't want to hang onto it for too long. It can be washing over me so entirely that I think I am a terrible therapist and person. I take it to extremes. So it would be good to keep this in balance.
Another thing I've done is let the clients go early. There was little left to do. We had questions and answers, we had a check out and a farewell and that was it. I'm now worried that there will repercussions. I stayed until 5 myself but hey ho! I will own it with PD and see what happens.
I mess up a lot really. I am a bit all over the place right now. It's not okay but it's not intentional either.
I would like some time out but it's not possible.
So I'm not going to Oxford Brookes for a day with the OU tomorrow when I thought I was. Instead I'll go to London on 27th April. I will miss any snow that might have dropped on Oxford tomorrow, save petrol and give myself some catch up study time. I have 3 days to really pour some work in. Sod moody G.

I think that's all I have to write at this moment

Angrily yet somewhat centred and calm surprisingly,
Bliss
XX












 

Ever really really felt incredulous?

I keep having this feeling of utter incredulity. There is a sense of something washing over me as if there's something lurking in the depths of my brain and then it comes to the fore.
This is as a result of the reading of my fathers will yesterday.
I arrived at the solicitors with G and was met with the usual frosty reception that only T can give. She is a mean-hearted woman I think. She refused to allow G to come into the reading. I complained but the solicitor explained that as T was the executor of the will (gasp and horror!) she had the right to say who could and could not attend. So I had to comply and G had to wait outside. I said "thanks for nothing". I could not keep that bit of my thought quiet. Anyhow I'm no saint.
The solicitor said there was nothing to read as my father had left EVERYTHING to his wife.
EVERYTHING!!!!
There was not even a mention of my name. There was then the business for the solicitor to sort out with T and so I left.
I am incredulous. And it is taking some time to truly sink in.
I somewhat expected it but didn't really believe my expectation could possibly be real. It is unbelievable.
The man who has treated me so horribly for as long as I can remember. The man who created hell for my mum. The man who sexually abused me. The man who phoned me around Christmas saying "I love you and wish you well for the future". The man who has kept in contact at least occasionally over the past 11 and a half years.
I am very very confused. I do not understand why he bothered. But this is based on me believing that my dad hated me. I cannot seperate it out from anything personal as I truly believe he would have thought it was personal. I know intellectually it's not personal. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Wasn't that what Jesus was reported to say as he was condemned to the cross until his death.
I can forgive my father at that level and I can forgive myself for my own bad behaviours in the same vain. I did not have control and now I am more spiritually learned I can see clearer. I still have a lot of blame and anger towards my father but when I stop to take another look at it, I have caused a lot of grief in the past for a number of people. My parents got the brunt of it I suppose.
And there it is again that sudden wash over of incredulity. It is such a horrid feeling.
There's a little of me that thinks nooooo this hasn't actually happened and it's all going to be sorted out. But it's not. T gets the lot and when she dies her daughters will get what's left. And I doubt she has long in actual fact. She looks very unwell but not as pathetically ill as she was looking when my dad was dying.
My father is dead. And he disinherited me. My poor mum. He earnt money and worked hard for it but it was my mum who really made the money work for them. And he didn't consider me at all. I guess he really did not think I was worthy of him or his money.
How incredibly strange, hurtful, mean, and as PD said despicable. G called him a f....ing c u next Tuesday. I am angry and also not so angry. I am upset. I am disappointed as I really did have ideas for spending the money to create some security for myself.
I felt so greedy thinking that way. There was a part of me that kept in contact with him to inherit. What a waste of all the hurt and pain that was but if I hadn't I would never have known.
There's a lot more I could write. But actually I feel tired. I have emoted through self pity, anger, fury, confusion, emotional hurt, disbelief, bemusement, shock, but not surprised. Oh and more.

I really have to go to bed. I'm so very tired.
G has been yet again a rock even when he says he is not. He's been a lot more relaxed since I have been less demanding and more acceptant about him being who he is and choosing who he wants to be friends.
I feel very blessed. I have no money but wow I have such wealth in many other ways.
It's time to leave the dreary though. That's something else to write about at another time
Bliss
XXX

Written on 3rd Feb 2013

My dad died last night. I am relieved for him. I think yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Being in the house all afternoon and early evening with his wife and daughters. I experienced so much pain. It's as if I didn't exist. It's as if the whole life before them didn't exist. Of course for them his previous life didn't. But I am so sensitive to the way in which that was dealt with. I have string negative feelings towards his wife and youngest daughter. The eldest has been thoughtful and supportive. Such a noticeable difference if kindness and selflessness. I've practiced grace because I do not want to be like these people have been. If we get a chance to speak I can explain more. Thank goodness someone was with me to witness it all otherwise I'd as usual think its me and in my Imagination. I am consumed with this bad feeling which if course is a distraction from the death of my dad. Great big layers of emotions and events on too if one another and intricately interwoven. It is seeming all too much. I feel as if I won't be able to cope. I feel as if I'm exploding with the complicity of the situation and the overwhelming feelings. I know I'll probably get through it - it just feels right now as if I can't. I hurt sooooo much! I can't even begin to put into words the strength of the hurt I feel. Loss of his life is strangely acceptable. What ice experience around this is just so flipping confusing. I don't really know what to do with myself. And this emotion attached to wanting to take possession of some items that I know she won't let me have. Wanting to have the previous years acknowledged which she won't. Some horrible things happened yesterday that leave me feeling so utterly helpless. List. Tossed aside. My entire 52 years is under question. It's so horrid. I don't like the strength of the feelings against her that I have. I don't like the feeling of desperately wanting to have these items. I don't like the feeling I have as I'm excluded like I barely exist. How on earth is it possible to deal with this. I'm an adult supposedly and I just wonder how children are supposed to cope with similar situations of divided families. No wonder there can be trauma, anxiety, and then behaviours that can be devastating for the child - and I'm only touching what i think about this. It seems a bloody cruel world. And what's it all about? Why so much meanness? People say he'll know now he's in spirit etc etc. But the damage is done. I have to pick my damage up and work through it myself. He was never going to help me and in his dying and death there has been even more. I feel baffled as to why its been so horrible. I don't think I deserve it at all. I wonder if the final slap will be in the will. And I feel do awful about myself for being so grabbing. It is another grating element with a nasty taste from me that I don't like. It goes over in my head with such a loathsome feeling towards myself. But I just can't let go. I am truly wanting all this to pass because I don't feel as if I can survive it right now. Today I'll go to see him in the chapel -