It is my job to strive for the soulful things; honesty, graciousness, mindfulness, kindness, goodness, love, willingness, openness, wisdom. Please God help me to achieve this soulfulness and to hand over my self will and the desire for material and self gain. Please help me to share these soulful things in a way that is doing the best for kin and all mankind. That is what my soul desires.
Life without purpose is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.
It is God sent that I have this morning to relax a little. It is extra to curriculum due to getting a puncture yesterday. It is does not come free of charge. For weeks now I have been aware that I need new tyres and yesterday God gave me a puncture. Not directly I realise, God doesn't do things that way I am sure. But this was a reminder before anything seriously awful happened. I begrudge spending out on these things you see and postpone in favour of personal pursuits and desires. So thank you God for the least dangerous reminder. And this morning L very kindly allowed me to get into work late so that I can get the tyres sorted out. I just now am waiting until 8 am so that i can phone A.D.D Tyres in Bordon. They were very good to me before and I am hoping they can fit new tyres this morning and not be hugely expensive. I am very grateful though to have been putting funds away each month so that I can actually afford to replace all 5 (inc spare) if so required. I think they do all need replacing. It's got to be over a year since I replaced them. My car needs servicing too but I won't be able to afford that this month. I hope I've got a lot of extra pay in this months salary. I was begrudging paying it out on a car because it's been my Norway trip fund. I hope not to have to delve into my Paris trip fund. I hope that will be around Feb latest. Although it's probably better to go in April. That would give more time to save up.
I think my dad must be in hospital. he said he was having to go back in and didn't know whether he'd have to stay or not. I suspect he did know. I tried calling at about 21:30 and there was no answer. I left a message. I wonder if he did give my number to his neighbours. He said he would but .....
I will try calling his mobile this morning. And I will also see if I can book to have my hair cut on Saturday. What I'd really like to do is get the accreditation document finished this weekend and then get it approved by my supervisor and eventually submitted before 1 Sep when OU re-starts. This time Applied Psychology. I am just not ready for the discipline required. I need to alter my mindset. I think I will have to work all day Saturday and the mornings on Sunday. And have Sunday afternoon as relaxation time after the AWOL. If I read in the mornings all the information gets lost with the day filtering into the memory banks. It rubs out anything I've read.
As soon as I start thinking of other things after reading I forget what the points were.
I also realise I learn by experiencing. I think this may be very basic learning. I am not so cranial. But when I get real examples then it seems to truly get into the memory banks. Experiencing something seems to really be the best way.
I even forgot though in my first share last evening at AA after 90 days in FA of not sharing, to talk about love as connectedness. I think I was born with this isolation tendency. And circumstances probably enhanced it. Being an only child made it and makes it easy to feel lonesome, and I don't mean lonely. But the lonesome can quickly create loneliness and a feeling of being unlovable and unloved. I know it's not limited to single children though as many people with varying numbers of siblings and closeness can still feel that isolation. But what i am experiencing is a connectedness through fellowship. The calls are indicators of love. Even though the connections can be difficult or easy depending on individuals, I feel a love. I love the programme. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this programme and helping to rouse the willingness in me.
It is glorious. I have been troubled at work for example and now I am less troubled. Trusting in my sponsor and the programme and gradually becoming more willing to do what is suggested, it's all got me to being a different and improved version of me. I know L is changing too and I am grateful to God for that as well. All of me is screaming that it's me who has done all the work and wanted things to be better. pride and self righteousness. But I can concede and smile at myself about that, because I know she has been changing too. Thank you God for showing me me.
Please God help me to have the willingness to work this programme.
Thank you God for another day abstinent yesterday.
Poor anyone who reads God and thinks OH NO! A religious culty freak. If only that person would know that I am least religious and Goldly in that sense than anyone. The Bible and the religious practices are not for me. I get the principle more and more though.
Reading Paradise Lost is interesting. You see I think I am understanding Milton to be suggesting that the Garden of Eden was actually before Earth. There was no Heaven nor Hell, there was just this place with angels and peace. But Satan as he became to be known was envious and wanted higher ranking position, even Gods position. He tempted Eve with the apple and was rallying the discontent in the other angels. Angels that were impatient or jealous or bored or scolded or resentful or something. All these emotions and traits exist but there are those that Satan was able to infiltrate and culture those traits in his growing desire for more. It is something that can be cultivated and a darkness that grows fast and envelopes the light. I can relate. It was a seed that exists there and as the devil gets a hold for example through abuse or abandonment and faulty nurturing, the dark feelings have the room to swirl and escalate. Then the Satan can step up the anti using this emptiness ad coldness to turn it into hatred and desire and overwhelming power. It's there, it can be ignored. Ignore at ones peril. As the fallen angels discovered. They lost their belief in the light, stopped putting into action all the effort required to nurture and then the swirling dark cold abyss grows within needing more and more to fill it as it grows deeper and deeper. I followed that trail. The seed was given room to grow with the sense of shame and hatred that I was given. There wasn't enough belief surrounding me to counter the effect. And the abyss was opened up. I had this anger in me without knowing what it was and no teachers to even show me a different way. well actually I don't think that's entirely true. I suspect there were a lot of people trying but the power of the shame and hatred was louder somehow. Maybe I am the sort of person who listens to that like the angels. Some did not want to follow Satan's desires, they had the strength and belief to turn away and face the light.
I found alcohol and diets and laxatives and this fuelled my anger. It gave me a false courage, a strength to rebel. I rebelled hoping to be heard really but in fact it widened the abyss. My mum was the frail link back though. I kept a little of the light for the terror of finally letting my mum down so much that she would have to let get of the thinning stretching thread. She loved me so much and this morning walking around the village I longed for a moment to be her daughter in the world we live in. Just to have her here to love me. Just to have that assurance. And an opportunity to show her a revised me, a more soulful caring me. Show her how much I truly love her and actually that I do appreciate her. I know she knows in Heaven but it's earthly her I am sad not to have here today. I can bring her close to me though.
But that sadness with loss and grieving does not have to turn into a gap for the devil to seep in. No. no. Nor do my worries about finances or the difficulties at work or the need for study time or the laziness with hpusework. No, instead I can turn to God. I can keep my strength of belief. I can ask for the willingness to work this programme. And then there are fewer and fewer avenues to trundle along that lead into temptation.
A friend made a comment that she felt igorant about not knowing what Paradise Lost was. It got me to pondering about the fact that in the past I have been so tough on myself, telling myself I am ignorant. And that isn't with any love at all I have said that to myself. I brate myself for being ignorant as if it's a terrible thing. How awful the way language is used with connotations from nastiness. So being kind and gentle I was saying to this friend that it is not ignorance as a bad thing but it is ignorance fulls top. I didn't know about Paradise Lost and rather than being ashamed of that it is not something I have sat down to discover. I didn't do any literature study to any great length. I chose to play instead of study. And now I can be humble enough to be grateful for the different people in my life that bring diverse interests to me. And as they become interesting to me I do indeed follow them through. Paradise Lost had come to my attention some time ago. I did look it up and even copied the books onto my conputer. But it didn't really sink in. And then my sculptor friend showed me her work in connection with an upcoming exhibition called Revelations. I don't know if it's just a title and she has taken the Biblical theme or whether the Biblical element is the them. Anyway she has referred to Paradise Lost as her inspiration. And my gosh the work I saw was outstanding. She expressed the emotions of despair at the realisation of waking in this place called hell. This endless prison with no entrance nor exit. Wow, such vision. A knowingness of those feelings. And I could see how that intial shame borne from powerful desire, so powerful that all trust was lost in the light and God and turned towards Satan full of promises and guile. They invested in the temptation and desire and woke to realise the results. And of course there lies the pain to be further cultivated by Satan.
So she brought Paradise Lost a little bit more alive for me than the last encounter I had with it whatever that was, I can't even remember. And so much so that I am trying to read it. It's a lot of literature to read. But wow it's painting powerful pictures for me. The meaning though seems sop difficult to express. And someone else can. How wonderful that is. I am envious but will not allow that to breed and instead I am grateful to God for showing me this. I am learning. And my horizons expand. How wonderful that I have so many people with interestes that spark my own interests. And my knowledge is growing, my openness grows as I realise the passion and delight these things can bring to my soul. Thank you God. Thank you for E and the many pothers such as A and M and T and A and E and - that's beginning to look like a genetic code ha ha ha ha.
So here I am sitting waiting. I have tried calling 2 tyre places with no answer as yet. I have at least sent a text to L to tell her what is happening. I hope to get there by 10:30. Is that possible?
I will call my hairdresser too. Can I afford it? I hope so.
I need to save £360 per year for haircuts which means putting away £30 per month. I will need to start doing that then.
I also need to phone Vodafone and see if there is a better package for my minutes usage. It's crazy paying £150 per moth on Vodafone then there's BT and Plusnet for Broadband. This is a lot of money every month of communications. There has to be a better way. I onder what happens if I amalgamate them all. What is the total cost? £150 Vodafone £45 BT and £12 Plusnet = £207 per month!!!! That's ridiculous. I do not use my landline except for an international call once per week for 1 and half hours. I use the Internet a lot. Oh and I add some money for Skype calls too. Not much but that probably pushing £215 per month on communications. There has to be a better way.
I will call BT, Plusnet and Vodafone to see what they could do to improve these costs if I put all of mys business with them. I need to phone EDF too to see what good deals they are offering on supplying electtricity as the fixed rate ends this month. Has ended actually.
OK lets start with Vodafone. 191 - it's free. No tyre place first. I hope they open at 9am. They do.
OK it's time to go. And bugger I didn't read anymore of the poem. I will take it with me whilst I am waiting.
Thank you
Bliss
XX
Life without purpose is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.
It is God sent that I have this morning to relax a little. It is extra to curriculum due to getting a puncture yesterday. It is does not come free of charge. For weeks now I have been aware that I need new tyres and yesterday God gave me a puncture. Not directly I realise, God doesn't do things that way I am sure. But this was a reminder before anything seriously awful happened. I begrudge spending out on these things you see and postpone in favour of personal pursuits and desires. So thank you God for the least dangerous reminder. And this morning L very kindly allowed me to get into work late so that I can get the tyres sorted out. I just now am waiting until 8 am so that i can phone A.D.D Tyres in Bordon. They were very good to me before and I am hoping they can fit new tyres this morning and not be hugely expensive. I am very grateful though to have been putting funds away each month so that I can actually afford to replace all 5 (inc spare) if so required. I think they do all need replacing. It's got to be over a year since I replaced them. My car needs servicing too but I won't be able to afford that this month. I hope I've got a lot of extra pay in this months salary. I was begrudging paying it out on a car because it's been my Norway trip fund. I hope not to have to delve into my Paris trip fund. I hope that will be around Feb latest. Although it's probably better to go in April. That would give more time to save up.
I think my dad must be in hospital. he said he was having to go back in and didn't know whether he'd have to stay or not. I suspect he did know. I tried calling at about 21:30 and there was no answer. I left a message. I wonder if he did give my number to his neighbours. He said he would but .....
I will try calling his mobile this morning. And I will also see if I can book to have my hair cut on Saturday. What I'd really like to do is get the accreditation document finished this weekend and then get it approved by my supervisor and eventually submitted before 1 Sep when OU re-starts. This time Applied Psychology. I am just not ready for the discipline required. I need to alter my mindset. I think I will have to work all day Saturday and the mornings on Sunday. And have Sunday afternoon as relaxation time after the AWOL. If I read in the mornings all the information gets lost with the day filtering into the memory banks. It rubs out anything I've read.
As soon as I start thinking of other things after reading I forget what the points were.
I also realise I learn by experiencing. I think this may be very basic learning. I am not so cranial. But when I get real examples then it seems to truly get into the memory banks. Experiencing something seems to really be the best way.
I even forgot though in my first share last evening at AA after 90 days in FA of not sharing, to talk about love as connectedness. I think I was born with this isolation tendency. And circumstances probably enhanced it. Being an only child made it and makes it easy to feel lonesome, and I don't mean lonely. But the lonesome can quickly create loneliness and a feeling of being unlovable and unloved. I know it's not limited to single children though as many people with varying numbers of siblings and closeness can still feel that isolation. But what i am experiencing is a connectedness through fellowship. The calls are indicators of love. Even though the connections can be difficult or easy depending on individuals, I feel a love. I love the programme. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this programme and helping to rouse the willingness in me.
It is glorious. I have been troubled at work for example and now I am less troubled. Trusting in my sponsor and the programme and gradually becoming more willing to do what is suggested, it's all got me to being a different and improved version of me. I know L is changing too and I am grateful to God for that as well. All of me is screaming that it's me who has done all the work and wanted things to be better. pride and self righteousness. But I can concede and smile at myself about that, because I know she has been changing too. Thank you God for showing me me.
Please God help me to have the willingness to work this programme.
Thank you God for another day abstinent yesterday.
Poor anyone who reads God and thinks OH NO! A religious culty freak. If only that person would know that I am least religious and Goldly in that sense than anyone. The Bible and the religious practices are not for me. I get the principle more and more though.
Reading Paradise Lost is interesting. You see I think I am understanding Milton to be suggesting that the Garden of Eden was actually before Earth. There was no Heaven nor Hell, there was just this place with angels and peace. But Satan as he became to be known was envious and wanted higher ranking position, even Gods position. He tempted Eve with the apple and was rallying the discontent in the other angels. Angels that were impatient or jealous or bored or scolded or resentful or something. All these emotions and traits exist but there are those that Satan was able to infiltrate and culture those traits in his growing desire for more. It is something that can be cultivated and a darkness that grows fast and envelopes the light. I can relate. It was a seed that exists there and as the devil gets a hold for example through abuse or abandonment and faulty nurturing, the dark feelings have the room to swirl and escalate. Then the Satan can step up the anti using this emptiness ad coldness to turn it into hatred and desire and overwhelming power. It's there, it can be ignored. Ignore at ones peril. As the fallen angels discovered. They lost their belief in the light, stopped putting into action all the effort required to nurture and then the swirling dark cold abyss grows within needing more and more to fill it as it grows deeper and deeper. I followed that trail. The seed was given room to grow with the sense of shame and hatred that I was given. There wasn't enough belief surrounding me to counter the effect. And the abyss was opened up. I had this anger in me without knowing what it was and no teachers to even show me a different way. well actually I don't think that's entirely true. I suspect there were a lot of people trying but the power of the shame and hatred was louder somehow. Maybe I am the sort of person who listens to that like the angels. Some did not want to follow Satan's desires, they had the strength and belief to turn away and face the light.
I found alcohol and diets and laxatives and this fuelled my anger. It gave me a false courage, a strength to rebel. I rebelled hoping to be heard really but in fact it widened the abyss. My mum was the frail link back though. I kept a little of the light for the terror of finally letting my mum down so much that she would have to let get of the thinning stretching thread. She loved me so much and this morning walking around the village I longed for a moment to be her daughter in the world we live in. Just to have her here to love me. Just to have that assurance. And an opportunity to show her a revised me, a more soulful caring me. Show her how much I truly love her and actually that I do appreciate her. I know she knows in Heaven but it's earthly her I am sad not to have here today. I can bring her close to me though.
But that sadness with loss and grieving does not have to turn into a gap for the devil to seep in. No. no. Nor do my worries about finances or the difficulties at work or the need for study time or the laziness with hpusework. No, instead I can turn to God. I can keep my strength of belief. I can ask for the willingness to work this programme. And then there are fewer and fewer avenues to trundle along that lead into temptation.
A friend made a comment that she felt igorant about not knowing what Paradise Lost was. It got me to pondering about the fact that in the past I have been so tough on myself, telling myself I am ignorant. And that isn't with any love at all I have said that to myself. I brate myself for being ignorant as if it's a terrible thing. How awful the way language is used with connotations from nastiness. So being kind and gentle I was saying to this friend that it is not ignorance as a bad thing but it is ignorance fulls top. I didn't know about Paradise Lost and rather than being ashamed of that it is not something I have sat down to discover. I didn't do any literature study to any great length. I chose to play instead of study. And now I can be humble enough to be grateful for the different people in my life that bring diverse interests to me. And as they become interesting to me I do indeed follow them through. Paradise Lost had come to my attention some time ago. I did look it up and even copied the books onto my conputer. But it didn't really sink in. And then my sculptor friend showed me her work in connection with an upcoming exhibition called Revelations. I don't know if it's just a title and she has taken the Biblical theme or whether the Biblical element is the them. Anyway she has referred to Paradise Lost as her inspiration. And my gosh the work I saw was outstanding. She expressed the emotions of despair at the realisation of waking in this place called hell. This endless prison with no entrance nor exit. Wow, such vision. A knowingness of those feelings. And I could see how that intial shame borne from powerful desire, so powerful that all trust was lost in the light and God and turned towards Satan full of promises and guile. They invested in the temptation and desire and woke to realise the results. And of course there lies the pain to be further cultivated by Satan.
So she brought Paradise Lost a little bit more alive for me than the last encounter I had with it whatever that was, I can't even remember. And so much so that I am trying to read it. It's a lot of literature to read. But wow it's painting powerful pictures for me. The meaning though seems sop difficult to express. And someone else can. How wonderful that is. I am envious but will not allow that to breed and instead I am grateful to God for showing me this. I am learning. And my horizons expand. How wonderful that I have so many people with interestes that spark my own interests. And my knowledge is growing, my openness grows as I realise the passion and delight these things can bring to my soul. Thank you God. Thank you for E and the many pothers such as A and M and T and A and E and - that's beginning to look like a genetic code ha ha ha ha.
So here I am sitting waiting. I have tried calling 2 tyre places with no answer as yet. I have at least sent a text to L to tell her what is happening. I hope to get there by 10:30. Is that possible?
I will call my hairdresser too. Can I afford it? I hope so.
I need to save £360 per year for haircuts which means putting away £30 per month. I will need to start doing that then.
I also need to phone Vodafone and see if there is a better package for my minutes usage. It's crazy paying £150 per moth on Vodafone then there's BT and Plusnet for Broadband. This is a lot of money every month of communications. There has to be a better way. I onder what happens if I amalgamate them all. What is the total cost? £150 Vodafone £45 BT and £12 Plusnet = £207 per month!!!! That's ridiculous. I do not use my landline except for an international call once per week for 1 and half hours. I use the Internet a lot. Oh and I add some money for Skype calls too. Not much but that probably pushing £215 per month on communications. There has to be a better way.
I will call BT, Plusnet and Vodafone to see what they could do to improve these costs if I put all of mys business with them. I need to phone EDF too to see what good deals they are offering on supplying electtricity as the fixed rate ends this month. Has ended actually.
OK lets start with Vodafone. 191 - it's free. No tyre place first. I hope they open at 9am. They do.
OK it's time to go. And bugger I didn't read anymore of the poem. I will take it with me whilst I am waiting.
Thank you
Bliss
XX
