What a wonderful weekend. Well it feels like I've been away for days when in fact it was Friday night and Saturday.
Friday was pleasant enough. I was of a cheerful mood with L, And at times we even joked about. I had an opportunity to say nice things about her to a colleague within the hospital and leave it there. Despite every ounce of me wanting to make the compliment and then list all the things that were wrong. What is grating but with a smile at myself is that according to a colleague L has been singing my praises (not just mine but P's too) in the management meeting. So she did it first. However, first, second, third, it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I did it at all. I need to start only saying the positive things. By doing it I felt really good about myself and it spreads goodness not diseased, nastiness.
And a really generous thing about her is that she will always try to accommodate S or I needing to leave early. There is a generosity about her which I could have been taking advantage of in retaliation but now I want to acknowledge graciously and return with putting in my effort to assist her in running a good department and not be against her, battling.
Thank you God for the awareness and the ability to change.
So by about 6pm I was arriving in Brighton. S was already there and had brought N with her. S was so hospitable right from the start. Showing me my room and choosing it for me as it was possible to see the sea from a certain position. It was a comfortable room. I slept well on Friday evening and lovely to be in bed and sleeping by about 10:30. I want earlier nights. I seem to think because I get home so late from work and meetings that I need to extend my time into the night, like it's a need and a right. And yet the only person I am depriving is me. Even last night I got home at about 10pm and was dropping off to sleep with my fingers on the keyboard of my laptop. I took myself off to bed gone 11pm. But that's so much better than usual. God please help me to get myself to bed earlier. It's not that I want you to pick me up and put me to bed, no, no. I know it's my responsibility to take myself to bed. But I ask you for the willingness please.
I was thinking I would get up and go to a car boot sale today. But to be honest the idea of driving backwards and forwards is what put me off. I need to back for the AWOL and then afterwards scoot off to A's for a walk with the dogs. And that will be via Lidl's. So a car boot as well seems unnecessary.
Instead I've had a good talk with my sponsor and a lovely warm but cool morning walk around the village with LouLou.
Lucky me.
So back to Brighton....
On Saturday morning, we were all up and taking our quiet time and making calls. I got up and went and sat in S's summerhouse for my quiet time and phone call. It was delightful. Peaceful. I could already acknowledge feeling safe and B added that I'm amongst fellows and feeling it. I did all the day. I could be me. I was truly enthused by S but I could also feel I needed breaks from her. She dominates the conversations and it's all about her. Which is OK. I don't need it to be any other way and can listen. At the same time I need a rest from that too. I love the relationship she has with her husband. They are so chirpy together. S shared with me that they had had a very difficult time and come through that with added strength. It was OK to have breaks away. I did that sitting quietly on the beach, just nearby everyone. They were all chatting in pairs and it felt perfectly wonderful to be quiet me, listening to the odd word here and there. I had been too uncomfortable to take off my shorts as I hadn't had time to properly prepare myself. I don't even want to write it out of embarrassment for anyone reading this. But I hadn't de-haired. I get embarrassed about this thing believing it is something that should never be talked about, that having hair in intimate places is wrong yet it grows there naturally. And having to de-hair seems as if I am less of a woman. It's almost Victorian it seems to me. The same as women don't sweat they glow. I flipping well sweat!! Therefore I am less of a woman you see and far too manly. I have even wondered if my mum sex-changed me before I would have any memories of that. Mind you I have also wondered if I was her best friends daughter really. I could sit and find resemblances in my looks and yet anyone who sees me remarks on how similar to my mum I actually am. Crazy? I know I am paranoid in funny ways. As B says I need to recognise the paranoia and then drop it immediately.
After breakfast S drove us all to the FA meeting in Brighton. It was so lovely. I met in person with people I have either spoken to once or not at all. I will make an effort to contact these people more often.
I asked E if I could visit her studio. She was so gracious in agreeing as I know she was incredibly tired. And oh my goodness what an honour it was. A fantastic working studio with pieces of work that just blew me away. She is working on an exhibition entitled Revelations and her work is inspired by Paradise Lost by Milton. Really, these pieces of work just blew me away. And our discussion too. FA has released something in her that it expressed so vividly. What it has done is enabled her to observe the emotions from a position on personal experience and growing knowledge and awareness but without being in the darkness of it. She can really exemplify what it was feeling like to wake up to the realisation of what the fallen angels had forsaken. And those moments before turning into the living hell they had descended to. The image of that despair and woe and shame and horror. And my knowing that being there would gradually use that to turn into bitterness and twisted attitudes. With an opening like that hell becomes integral not separate. Somehow God and heaven is not something that crawls in. God's grace is already and integral part of me. It is there to be sparked and ignited and emanate. It is different, it does not come from outside, whereas hell takes advantage to suck into the external environment to use the dark crevices that exist. They are to be ignored at ones peril. It is important to vigilantly guard the dark crevices and ask God's help to close them off. Will they ever be gone completely? Probably on my deathbed, until then it is my job to become more and more aware.
I have a funny sense around D. A few things have raised my suspicions, such as control. Specifically it was at a London meeting I attended when I noticed a very controlling manner about her, speaking for the group, making decisions for everyone and directing. I didn't react, I simply observed. I am also uncertain when speaking with her. Am I too suspicious? Others seem friendly enough and is this me being discerning and needing to trust my instincts or is this me be judgemental and negative. perhaps I am jealous of something. I do feel some jealousy actually. Knowing she has been visiting before and there was a sort of air of possession about her. I am not really sure what it is but my outward feelings are a sign I need to just observe myself and learn what this is about, so help me God. And my suspicions were raised further regarding my plastic boxes. I had brought in my boxes from Fridays lunch and they had been washed up and piled on a side with some others. As I was packing yesterday I went an reclaimed them. later on D said "oh I had piled all my plastic boxes together here and some have gone". I absolutely know they are mine. I didn't say anything and so haven't handled that well but I am left wondering why she was claiming my boxes. If I was a better person I suppose I would have said oh those I thought were mine that I brought in with me on Friday. And if she had insisted I would have just let her knowingly. As it is I am left with suspicions about her which add to a sense of discomfort about her.
I don't get a sense of suspicion about V but I do find her quite difficult to find a common thread with for discussion. Actually I think I quite like her. It was nice on Friday to be sharing experiences about drug use. I know she struggles with food recovery as she has been going to FA for 6 years I think she said and just keeps on relapsing. She currently has 4 months abstinence. Please God I can stay abstinent with your help. I think to start relapsing seems to flipping painful and then becomes part of the routine. I so don't want that.
Anyway E's studio was a highlight for me. If ever I can afford a piece of her work I would be honoured to own it and treasure it. She has also inspired me to read Paradise Lost, almost the prequel to Revelations.
Oh cute - G had made S a little box f word cards. And every meal she sits and takes a card, then thinking about what that Means to her. My first word was God. Wow! I shared that I feel closer to God than ever before in my life and how incredibly wonderful that is in bringing faith. What I didn't say is all that God means to me. I don't think it's possible to put into words. I have feelings about it. Sometimes it's as if I've taken a deep breath of fresh air just after sucking a mint, sometimes it's the feeling of the warmth sun penetrating right through to my bones, sometimes it's the thought of the neurons all electrified creating the thought therefore electrifying therefore thought, sometimes it's the passion that arises from being in the presence of a wonderful piece of art, sometimes its the sound of the sea crashing in or gently swooping out, sometimes it's the colour of the skies, sometimes it's the revelation of knowledge, of clarity. Sometimes it's the sound of laughter, sometimes it's the rain, sometimes, it's the moon, sometimes it's the night and then the dawn and then the day and then the dusk. It's the awe of history and time and space, its the wonder of change, it's the safety in faith. It's abundance, it's love, it's bliss, it's truth. It's EVERYTHING and how that makes me smile. It's being pleasant and loving towards EVERYONE. It's time with people and memories of people, it's experiences and cognition. It's delight and fun and profound. It's light and it's dark sometimes too. It's hills, it's trees, it's sky, it's bouncy green grass, it's life, it's death.
How do I love D for example? I can pray for her. I will speak with someone about the boxes and how I'm feeling about it. I guess I need to expel the whole thought process knowing that the focus is on me and discover gradually what it is all about. And also how I could have handled the moment better?
Actually I realised that I would rather speak with B about this. Talking to anyone else could feel uncomfortable for me.
It was something quite warm when G invited me to sit down with her for a while. I will try to remember that for times when I am sitting and can see someone looking and incite them to join me. I felt special and that's lovely. Sitting chatting with her was very calming too. I am excited for her havng this lovely relationship developing. I hope it continues. And it's encouraging. She is very glaourous though. I commented on that and she was disappointed wanting to be funky. We are never happy with compliments. I feel fat and oafish and yet I'm slim. The photos of me are so unattractive too.
V and I left towards Brighton. We had our supper sitting on the beach. It was lovely. He asked me about children and despite my shame and embarrassment I told him about TOP's. Phew it's difficult to even write the words. And my mixed up feelings about all of this. Even as I was talking I didn;t want to admit to myself that it would have been nice to ave had a child. I force myself to not want to have them or had them. I made this happen and have never permitted the maternal instinct apart from on one or two occasions. But I think there's something natural in that too. It didn't really arise because I have never been settled. I've never been in a relationship that was settled and every time I knew it. It was never forever.
I should like to share that with V too. It's not something I've even admitted to myself let alone anyone else. There's a sort of cold bravado about being a woman and not wanting children. It makes me different from the norm. It makes me heartless in appearance too I think and that's what I wanted to portray, nothing not even maternalism could get through to me.
It's so sad. Why? Well I think messages from my dad about the weakness of women and his distinct disapproval of that was a big part of that. And I guess his influence came from somewhere too. I know he despised his mother and I think by the sounds of it was depressed. He wasn't going to allow anything to make him an emotional person. And I think he was angry with ehr too for driving his father away. And as a little boy he admired his father. Of course he more than likely was unaware of any difficulties between his morhter and father. And then he was evacuated. Separated from both of them. How absolutely terrible that must have been for the children and the parents. And then he says that it was a horrible environment where the people were cruel to him and Uncle Mick. I wonder what Uncle Mick might remember about it?
And eventually V and I headed towards the station. He got home hopefully in time for his beloved football. And today can watch as re-watch teh highlights. I pray God that you can help him stick with abstinence and truly become all he is meant to be. What a lovely man V is. If he's an addict God and it seems to me as an outside observer he is, then please help him to find his way to commit to FA. He has a lot to achieve with his skills and experiences.
As I journeyed home I wanted to speak with J. Her text informing me that there are new polie enquiries into her sisters murder really interests me. I have no idea why it interests me so much. It is not in a hapy clapy way but in a tragically sad way. One moment a family is tripping along with every day struggles and strifes and then something snuffs that all out and a little girl is murdered. Dead. And how on earth can someone do that to a teenage girl or anyone indeed? It is so out of my knowledge and experience that it creates an curiosity in me. I want too to be able to offer support as a friend. J does not think there are residual feelings but I hear anger. She is placing it on the woman she believes has re-opened investigations. The police would not give any information even when she enquired if it's related to this girl. She was a friend of J's at a very young age, I think at primary school or infant's school. They stopped being friends at an early age too, just how things worked out. But some time ago this girl wrote to J's mother apparently. And forgive me for not getting the details correctly remembered but it seems that this person has revealed that J's sister had actualy introduced her to the killer at some point. I think that's what J said. J is so angry with her wondering why she couldn't let it all go after all this time, not undertanding that some people can't get over the trauma that simply. perhaps J has let it all go. I suspect it's more suppressed than dealt with. J is angry that it's all being dragged up again for her mother who is in her 70's.
It's odd that this has come up when Ian Bradley has supposedly revealed the whereabouts of Keith Thomas's brother. And at the coincidental timing of Keith's mother. She died yesterday morning with Cancer. She had spent her life time attempting to find the location of his body wanting a Christian burial. Did Brady know? Did he really reveal the whereabouts. And the arrest of the woman who allegely knew the details, arrested for subverting the course of justice or somethng. Was that real or a set up? Why do women visit these men in prison? And yet here I am morbidly curious myself. I want to be able to support J if she does need support in any way that I can. I do not want to try and give her therapy and yet I do, believing that there are undealt with issues when she doesn't. She didsay that reading the information she located online has
No more will get finished now as I am back at school - and get totally hamererd
Bliss
XX
Friday was pleasant enough. I was of a cheerful mood with L, And at times we even joked about. I had an opportunity to say nice things about her to a colleague within the hospital and leave it there. Despite every ounce of me wanting to make the compliment and then list all the things that were wrong. What is grating but with a smile at myself is that according to a colleague L has been singing my praises (not just mine but P's too) in the management meeting. So she did it first. However, first, second, third, it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I did it at all. I need to start only saying the positive things. By doing it I felt really good about myself and it spreads goodness not diseased, nastiness.
And a really generous thing about her is that she will always try to accommodate S or I needing to leave early. There is a generosity about her which I could have been taking advantage of in retaliation but now I want to acknowledge graciously and return with putting in my effort to assist her in running a good department and not be against her, battling.
Thank you God for the awareness and the ability to change.
So by about 6pm I was arriving in Brighton. S was already there and had brought N with her. S was so hospitable right from the start. Showing me my room and choosing it for me as it was possible to see the sea from a certain position. It was a comfortable room. I slept well on Friday evening and lovely to be in bed and sleeping by about 10:30. I want earlier nights. I seem to think because I get home so late from work and meetings that I need to extend my time into the night, like it's a need and a right. And yet the only person I am depriving is me. Even last night I got home at about 10pm and was dropping off to sleep with my fingers on the keyboard of my laptop. I took myself off to bed gone 11pm. But that's so much better than usual. God please help me to get myself to bed earlier. It's not that I want you to pick me up and put me to bed, no, no. I know it's my responsibility to take myself to bed. But I ask you for the willingness please.
I was thinking I would get up and go to a car boot sale today. But to be honest the idea of driving backwards and forwards is what put me off. I need to back for the AWOL and then afterwards scoot off to A's for a walk with the dogs. And that will be via Lidl's. So a car boot as well seems unnecessary.
Instead I've had a good talk with my sponsor and a lovely warm but cool morning walk around the village with LouLou.
Lucky me.
So back to Brighton....
On Saturday morning, we were all up and taking our quiet time and making calls. I got up and went and sat in S's summerhouse for my quiet time and phone call. It was delightful. Peaceful. I could already acknowledge feeling safe and B added that I'm amongst fellows and feeling it. I did all the day. I could be me. I was truly enthused by S but I could also feel I needed breaks from her. She dominates the conversations and it's all about her. Which is OK. I don't need it to be any other way and can listen. At the same time I need a rest from that too. I love the relationship she has with her husband. They are so chirpy together. S shared with me that they had had a very difficult time and come through that with added strength. It was OK to have breaks away. I did that sitting quietly on the beach, just nearby everyone. They were all chatting in pairs and it felt perfectly wonderful to be quiet me, listening to the odd word here and there. I had been too uncomfortable to take off my shorts as I hadn't had time to properly prepare myself. I don't even want to write it out of embarrassment for anyone reading this. But I hadn't de-haired. I get embarrassed about this thing believing it is something that should never be talked about, that having hair in intimate places is wrong yet it grows there naturally. And having to de-hair seems as if I am less of a woman. It's almost Victorian it seems to me. The same as women don't sweat they glow. I flipping well sweat!! Therefore I am less of a woman you see and far too manly. I have even wondered if my mum sex-changed me before I would have any memories of that. Mind you I have also wondered if I was her best friends daughter really. I could sit and find resemblances in my looks and yet anyone who sees me remarks on how similar to my mum I actually am. Crazy? I know I am paranoid in funny ways. As B says I need to recognise the paranoia and then drop it immediately.
After breakfast S drove us all to the FA meeting in Brighton. It was so lovely. I met in person with people I have either spoken to once or not at all. I will make an effort to contact these people more often.
I asked E if I could visit her studio. She was so gracious in agreeing as I know she was incredibly tired. And oh my goodness what an honour it was. A fantastic working studio with pieces of work that just blew me away. She is working on an exhibition entitled Revelations and her work is inspired by Paradise Lost by Milton. Really, these pieces of work just blew me away. And our discussion too. FA has released something in her that it expressed so vividly. What it has done is enabled her to observe the emotions from a position on personal experience and growing knowledge and awareness but without being in the darkness of it. She can really exemplify what it was feeling like to wake up to the realisation of what the fallen angels had forsaken. And those moments before turning into the living hell they had descended to. The image of that despair and woe and shame and horror. And my knowing that being there would gradually use that to turn into bitterness and twisted attitudes. With an opening like that hell becomes integral not separate. Somehow God and heaven is not something that crawls in. God's grace is already and integral part of me. It is there to be sparked and ignited and emanate. It is different, it does not come from outside, whereas hell takes advantage to suck into the external environment to use the dark crevices that exist. They are to be ignored at ones peril. It is important to vigilantly guard the dark crevices and ask God's help to close them off. Will they ever be gone completely? Probably on my deathbed, until then it is my job to become more and more aware.
I have a funny sense around D. A few things have raised my suspicions, such as control. Specifically it was at a London meeting I attended when I noticed a very controlling manner about her, speaking for the group, making decisions for everyone and directing. I didn't react, I simply observed. I am also uncertain when speaking with her. Am I too suspicious? Others seem friendly enough and is this me being discerning and needing to trust my instincts or is this me be judgemental and negative. perhaps I am jealous of something. I do feel some jealousy actually. Knowing she has been visiting before and there was a sort of air of possession about her. I am not really sure what it is but my outward feelings are a sign I need to just observe myself and learn what this is about, so help me God. And my suspicions were raised further regarding my plastic boxes. I had brought in my boxes from Fridays lunch and they had been washed up and piled on a side with some others. As I was packing yesterday I went an reclaimed them. later on D said "oh I had piled all my plastic boxes together here and some have gone". I absolutely know they are mine. I didn't say anything and so haven't handled that well but I am left wondering why she was claiming my boxes. If I was a better person I suppose I would have said oh those I thought were mine that I brought in with me on Friday. And if she had insisted I would have just let her knowingly. As it is I am left with suspicions about her which add to a sense of discomfort about her.
I don't get a sense of suspicion about V but I do find her quite difficult to find a common thread with for discussion. Actually I think I quite like her. It was nice on Friday to be sharing experiences about drug use. I know she struggles with food recovery as she has been going to FA for 6 years I think she said and just keeps on relapsing. She currently has 4 months abstinence. Please God I can stay abstinent with your help. I think to start relapsing seems to flipping painful and then becomes part of the routine. I so don't want that.
Anyway E's studio was a highlight for me. If ever I can afford a piece of her work I would be honoured to own it and treasure it. She has also inspired me to read Paradise Lost, almost the prequel to Revelations.
Oh cute - G had made S a little box f word cards. And every meal she sits and takes a card, then thinking about what that Means to her. My first word was God. Wow! I shared that I feel closer to God than ever before in my life and how incredibly wonderful that is in bringing faith. What I didn't say is all that God means to me. I don't think it's possible to put into words. I have feelings about it. Sometimes it's as if I've taken a deep breath of fresh air just after sucking a mint, sometimes it's the feeling of the warmth sun penetrating right through to my bones, sometimes it's the thought of the neurons all electrified creating the thought therefore electrifying therefore thought, sometimes it's the passion that arises from being in the presence of a wonderful piece of art, sometimes its the sound of the sea crashing in or gently swooping out, sometimes it's the colour of the skies, sometimes it's the revelation of knowledge, of clarity. Sometimes it's the sound of laughter, sometimes it's the rain, sometimes, it's the moon, sometimes it's the night and then the dawn and then the day and then the dusk. It's the awe of history and time and space, its the wonder of change, it's the safety in faith. It's abundance, it's love, it's bliss, it's truth. It's EVERYTHING and how that makes me smile. It's being pleasant and loving towards EVERYONE. It's time with people and memories of people, it's experiences and cognition. It's delight and fun and profound. It's light and it's dark sometimes too. It's hills, it's trees, it's sky, it's bouncy green grass, it's life, it's death.
How do I love D for example? I can pray for her. I will speak with someone about the boxes and how I'm feeling about it. I guess I need to expel the whole thought process knowing that the focus is on me and discover gradually what it is all about. And also how I could have handled the moment better?
Actually I realised that I would rather speak with B about this. Talking to anyone else could feel uncomfortable for me.
It was something quite warm when G invited me to sit down with her for a while. I will try to remember that for times when I am sitting and can see someone looking and incite them to join me. I felt special and that's lovely. Sitting chatting with her was very calming too. I am excited for her havng this lovely relationship developing. I hope it continues. And it's encouraging. She is very glaourous though. I commented on that and she was disappointed wanting to be funky. We are never happy with compliments. I feel fat and oafish and yet I'm slim. The photos of me are so unattractive too.
V and I left towards Brighton. We had our supper sitting on the beach. It was lovely. He asked me about children and despite my shame and embarrassment I told him about TOP's. Phew it's difficult to even write the words. And my mixed up feelings about all of this. Even as I was talking I didn;t want to admit to myself that it would have been nice to ave had a child. I force myself to not want to have them or had them. I made this happen and have never permitted the maternal instinct apart from on one or two occasions. But I think there's something natural in that too. It didn't really arise because I have never been settled. I've never been in a relationship that was settled and every time I knew it. It was never forever.
I should like to share that with V too. It's not something I've even admitted to myself let alone anyone else. There's a sort of cold bravado about being a woman and not wanting children. It makes me different from the norm. It makes me heartless in appearance too I think and that's what I wanted to portray, nothing not even maternalism could get through to me.
It's so sad. Why? Well I think messages from my dad about the weakness of women and his distinct disapproval of that was a big part of that. And I guess his influence came from somewhere too. I know he despised his mother and I think by the sounds of it was depressed. He wasn't going to allow anything to make him an emotional person. And I think he was angry with ehr too for driving his father away. And as a little boy he admired his father. Of course he more than likely was unaware of any difficulties between his morhter and father. And then he was evacuated. Separated from both of them. How absolutely terrible that must have been for the children and the parents. And then he says that it was a horrible environment where the people were cruel to him and Uncle Mick. I wonder what Uncle Mick might remember about it?
And eventually V and I headed towards the station. He got home hopefully in time for his beloved football. And today can watch as re-watch teh highlights. I pray God that you can help him stick with abstinence and truly become all he is meant to be. What a lovely man V is. If he's an addict God and it seems to me as an outside observer he is, then please help him to find his way to commit to FA. He has a lot to achieve with his skills and experiences.
As I journeyed home I wanted to speak with J. Her text informing me that there are new polie enquiries into her sisters murder really interests me. I have no idea why it interests me so much. It is not in a hapy clapy way but in a tragically sad way. One moment a family is tripping along with every day struggles and strifes and then something snuffs that all out and a little girl is murdered. Dead. And how on earth can someone do that to a teenage girl or anyone indeed? It is so out of my knowledge and experience that it creates an curiosity in me. I want too to be able to offer support as a friend. J does not think there are residual feelings but I hear anger. She is placing it on the woman she believes has re-opened investigations. The police would not give any information even when she enquired if it's related to this girl. She was a friend of J's at a very young age, I think at primary school or infant's school. They stopped being friends at an early age too, just how things worked out. But some time ago this girl wrote to J's mother apparently. And forgive me for not getting the details correctly remembered but it seems that this person has revealed that J's sister had actualy introduced her to the killer at some point. I think that's what J said. J is so angry with her wondering why she couldn't let it all go after all this time, not undertanding that some people can't get over the trauma that simply. perhaps J has let it all go. I suspect it's more suppressed than dealt with. J is angry that it's all being dragged up again for her mother who is in her 70's.
It's odd that this has come up when Ian Bradley has supposedly revealed the whereabouts of Keith Thomas's brother. And at the coincidental timing of Keith's mother. She died yesterday morning with Cancer. She had spent her life time attempting to find the location of his body wanting a Christian burial. Did Brady know? Did he really reveal the whereabouts. And the arrest of the woman who allegely knew the details, arrested for subverting the course of justice or somethng. Was that real or a set up? Why do women visit these men in prison? And yet here I am morbidly curious myself. I want to be able to support J if she does need support in any way that I can. I do not want to try and give her therapy and yet I do, believing that there are undealt with issues when she doesn't. She didsay that reading the information she located online has
No more will get finished now as I am back at school - and get totally hamererd
Bliss
XX
