HALT

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

I am feeling hungry yet I know I've had enough food, the same food I've had every other day. I am very tired so this is probably contributing to the the hunger. But I wonder what's going on underneath the surface. Also I'm feeling lonely. I have been thinking about choices I've made in the past. I chose not to have children and that meant some radical subsequent choices. Horrible choices for which I feel disgust as well as sadness. It is too difficult for me to fully own right now. I have a lot of healing to do but first some admitting to do. I am not ready to do that here yet.
I do realise that there are still many things that when I think about them I detach. I feel nothing and yet I know there are feelings to feel. It's quite amazing to observe the detachment. It leaves a real vacuum. It's something I would like not to happen. I understand however that it was a mechanism that has been a protector from a very young age. The more abstinent I've become the more obvious the detachment from feelings is. Or maybe the more it's had to come into operation because I don't even have food to keep me separated from my emotions. I hope that I won't need to do this so much. I know it's probably an essential tool. We are remarkable in that there is a filter so that we are not overloaded. However there is also the inability to let the filter filter adequately enough there there isn't a total disconnect.

It is so revealing to get greater clarity on such a phenomenon.

This evening my dad called. You know I would have been writing that with a feeling of gloom not so many months ago. Today I write it with a different feel about it. I was very tired when I picked up his call. And he called to enquire if I'd received his card. I had and thanked him for his very generous cheque and the £10 too. I also said it was a lovely card and thanked him again before putting the phone down. I was able to tell him that I'm not eating out at the moment (day 8 of 90). He thinks it's a diet and I didn't think it would be of any use to him for me to try and explain. I know and that's enough. Perhaps he would understand but somehow it seems unimportant to try. All that matters is that I informed him of my situation. He doesn't know yet at what time we could meet. I hope he will meet me but perhaps it's not convenient for him. I seem to think he has a lot of negotiating around his wife. I did apologise for not sounding lively and that I was feeling tired. He wondered if I would be doing anything tomorrow. It's a day as normal. Working even with a 1:1 after the usual hours. All extra income with increasing costs. I feel very glad to have this potential to earn some extras whilst also supporting people in their journey to bringing about change. That's a privilege.

All in all it was a cheerful call on my behalf with my dad. This is a light relief after all the years of angst and battling. He must find it very strange. If I were at Step 9, there are things I would take ownership of and say how sorry I am. Instead I am putting action in to be different. I'm sure he must feel uncertain about this as I've tried being "good two shoes" before on different occasions. So now it's about consistency. I am showing up and being cheerful. I am listening to him and not argumentative. I am understanding where there is a misunderstanding of me. I do not need to try and make him understand or see me. He seems to find me so very different from him and that's OK. And yet there are so many similarities no doubt. I no longer need to impose myself on him to feel acceptable. I am getting that from deeper within me. I am understood and loved by my HP. What more do I need? Nothing.
Gosh how far I've come along this part of the road.

Lonely? Sometimes yes I am. Overall though my days are very busy. I really enjoy time alone. It's calm and I have so much to sit and enjoy by myself. I also love being with people. I am interested in people. I just would like to practice listening to others more rather than talking out my versions of their idea. I don't really do that at all. But being interested in people means me spending more time getting clarity on their thoughts and feelings rather than the other way around. What really makes people tick? And as I'm really quite close with some people how do I get to listen and know more? Listen I suppose.

Angry? Actually no. There is frustration. I'm not sure why that popped up. Frustration with people who in my opinion don;t have the clarity they think they have. It's their business and in the spirit of my passion I can simply listen and reflect. Somethings are just a trigger. I can let go and maintain my serenity and grace.
 What a gift of learning. I will talk it through with my sponsor no doubt if it enters my thoughts in the morning.

Tired? Yes I truly am. And no wonder, I'm going to bed later than is good for me. So I'm going off to bed now.
I have still to write about the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican and now Gillian Wearing's exhibition at Whitechapel Gallery. Oh and the Art Car Boot Sale, and strolling along Brick Lane.
All these little adventures I have and scenes of people living that I see.
Marvellous

Bliss
X

Dragon's and gifts

It's interesting to me that something I think of as a gift and freedom sounds as if I'm being harsh and restricting in the thoughts of another.
I am so relieved to be revisiting step one and returning to day 1, well day 5 now. Addiction is a disease that kills. Not necessarily physically although how many times I get to feeling suicidal and have made attempts at my life in the past, just not able to live with using food, either over eating or restricting or bulimia. And yet also not being able to live without these coping mechanisms. Liking life without them seemed too difficult because these were my means for escape in various ways. And yet they were now killing me. Killing my soul. I spent years trying to find a way to control eat. Ultimately wanting to be thin but also wanting to be able to eat anything. The ideal would be to eat anything and as much as I want and still be thin. And of course not feel ashamed or disgusted with my eating habits. Or upset people, or have to steal food, or hide food, or sneak food, or feel so bad I just want to hide away, or arrange to be with friends to justify eating out, secret binges, eating dreadful foods and so on and so on. Just some of the behaviours and consequences that come to mind. And that's really not taking a close look at the mental illness that also impacted on my mum and my dad. even though it affected them in different ways.
So looking at the bigger picture, the chaos that ensues, and I might add very quickly these days, is very clear. When I do not have abstinent food life is chaotic and affects everyone around me including me.
S that means I truly need to get an understanding of powerlessness. This last issue with the cheese is not about the cheese itself, it's about the powerlessness. A friend who cares says not to be harsh on myself and keep it in perspective. I can see what she means. I can see that it may appear harsh to make a big deal about the cheese. I guess I didn't make clear in my thought stream that it's about being vigilant. I cannot afford to be anything but. And that requires me to be precise about the pre-agreed weights of my food. I have been given a fixed amount of weights and food types for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The evening before, I write down what I will have for each meal during the following day. And at the beginning of the day after 30 minutes of quiet time, I call my sponsor. This time is useful for sharing whatever is going on and then I read out my food plan for the day. That is commitment. Nothing more and nothing less and no alterations without first re-committing my food and checking my motives for any changes.
I cannot afford to deviate because when I do I am taking my will back and believing I have control over food. I know without doubt I am a food addict. And quite rightly I am many other things too. I am a friend, a daughter, a thinker, a hard working employee, a listener, a creator, a writer, a photographer, a listener of music, a walker. I am kind and thoughtful but sometimes I can be mean and selfish. I am intelligent but often not knowledgeable or wise, although I think I can be both of these too at different times. I am an emotional and sensitive person. I can be humorous. I am secretive at times but practising changing this more and more. And so on. I know I am many ore things than simply an addict. However, it is life and death for me that I put the addiction first. Simply by accepting that I'm a food addict reminds me that I need to keep my food abstinent, that means weighed and measured. I do not have flour and/or sugar. Of course fruit has natural sugar.
Oh yes this is a rigorous programme and not for the faint hearted. I truly was on my knees. I ope far enough down that I am in no doubt that I am powerless over food. I truly understand it now.
I will be mindful though of the tones I use to talk to myself about this. If my friend read it as harsh then there is room for improvement. Not room to change the abstinence. Oh no. I love my food weighed and measured and eaten at times that are pretty fixed too. All this provides the structure and means that dealing with life is exactly that and not dealing with life through a haze of a binge which in turn brings in guilt and shame and self-hatred. All of which chips away at the last few threads of self esteem I might have. And without self esteem there have been so many times that I've thought what's the point let's go now.

I am very sleep I think I might have a nap. Pity I didn't have a garden I felt like sitting in. I could lounge in the sun for a while before M arrives.

Mmmm a lovely phone call from an FA'er. It's nice to hear from familiar voices and relate. I humbled myself an told her about choosing to go back to day 1. It was interesting to hear her thoughts on complete and utter abstinence including the grey areas that can crop up in thinking.
I need to phone G and tell him that I can't do the chair on Tuesday. I have put off calling him. If he's at the meeting this evening I will tell him although it would be better to call him NOW! A art of the putting off is because I don't want him to think of me as anal. For goodness sake how can I be interested in this man????

I haven't made my 3 phone calls today. Who shall I call? D - apparently she qualified today. I am not sure about how comfortable I am how freely people talk about others. However this was innocent really.

As for thoughts on bi polar. Well here are some rantings written I think in highs. I was writing an email to a friend but thankfully did not send it. Just free writing as thoughts came into my mind.

"

Good morning.

I hope you won't mind me writing. I need to expel thoughts as I'm really am aware that I'm feeling manic. It's not the worse it can be but I'm beginning to be more acutely aware of the way up. It helps to write out the ideas.

I've entitled this dragon because I know in Chinese astrology the dragon is representative of high energy, not being able to sit still for long and flit from idea to idea. I'm actually born in the year of the rat and apparently need a lot of stimulation (so true) both mentally and physically. Another trait of being born a Rat is a mental restlessness. Lots of these traits coincide with my birth sign Gemini. I'm not sure how much I invest in these categorisations of people. It seems to me that we people need to create finite to feel safe, pigeon-holing so that we know. And knowledge offers the false belief of power and power represents stability and safety. Supposedly!

I hold a believe that it is true to a certain degree. But power is given.

I started writing this in the morning and was definitely higher than I am now. And thoughts were vivid and fast. Now I am drained and tired so things seem less clear.

I really wish I'd been able to finish writing this morning because I had such clear thoughts on the whole mental illness situation. Now it seems to have slipped away, like sand shifting through my fingers.

I feel as if I'm either on the way into highs or slipping back into lows. And although when slightly lower than this I really know that getting high is not what I want and it's as awful really as the lows I've been getting the excited feeling and finding it all very funny. I have started writing a lot. I think that helps to expound on ideas and expel the driving energy that feels more and more difficult to contain.

It was suggested by Occupational Health that I let my manager know. Ugh! That was such a painful thing to have to do. The shame and the fear of being judged as mad, crazy and incapable. I thought then that nothing I would ever say again would ever be taken seriously. It was said with the awareness that having been through several months of extreme stress and thankfully coming through it, then there has been a trigger into this.

But anyhow that wasn't what I was wanting to write about. But I am juddering inside at the fact that I did it. I think I did it all far too soon and impulsively. I think I should have asked Occ Health to be along with me. I just feel dreadful about having t have told them.

Isn't there a stigma with anything mental? People think they are sane and "normal".

What I realise is though that OK so I have a mental illness and that manifests in these extremes of highs and lows which recently I am either more aware of or they are more evident. Although similar that is not the same thing.

This mental illness manifests in so many different ways. None of the symptoms fit neatly into only one box. I have addiction, high states of mind which changes reasoning and increases a real need for high risks. It includes spending money, engaging with unsuitable men, in the past alcohol and drugs have fuelled greater and greater risk taking activities, (they happen without drink and drugs too), it drives this desire to write and create - isn't that just so weird. Then I think how could anyone ever take anything I ever do seriously because any ideas might just be the mental illness. Oh yes increasing paranoia. Fears of things like corners of the room and cupboards or thinking people have been in my flat. Who? Why?

I really wish I'd written my thoughts this morning because now it's all gone and it really helped me to see things at that time. Where has it slipped away to.

A restlessness. Ever since I can recall I have had stages of that restlessness. Wanting something so so badly but nothing feels to be the thing. My mum would takes ages suggesting doing this or that but it wasn't enough. Sometimes I wanted to be colouring in. Large very detailed pictures is what I wanted. Jigsaws actually were a good way to focus some of the energy. Somehow it was intense. Intensity was a good thing to be having.

Ugh just hit me again that I told the manager. I asked him not to tell anyone as well. Ugh ugh ugh! I so wish I hadn't. Bloody hell. Impulsive decisions. People shouldn't make suggestions when like this. I just do them!!

I am having ideas for sketches as well. Man!

I hope I get the clarity again to be able to write my theory down. Oh well. Just have to try and accept that it's gone.

I don't think I'll send this after all because it makes little sense and I feel a little loony with what I'm writing yet also know that that's because I can't retrieve the thoughts I had earlier.

Grrr

Have been thinking back about MP. Wondering how he got to be so sensitive. It was there long before I met him and long before we split up.

The greatest amends I can make is to stay away. At least I know that. But then his ex-girlfriend contacted me via FRU. How strange that was. That was a t the early stages of an increasing mania.

OK it's now the next morning. All the fuzzy headedness I had last evening is slightly clearer I think. I am wondering if some of this is hormonal as things have seemed to be shifting there over the last week. I had a spotty outbreak. One moment none and the next moment a lump rising over my face. It took a lot longer to clear away than it took for them to arrive. I could almost see it happening as I looked (always briefly) in the mirror. Also I had a couple of hot flushes. One was very embarrassing as I was talking to a man in the "rooms" that actually was slightly attractive. Suddenly I was flushed and sweaty. It was the rising heat from deep within that only hormones know how to do in such embarrassing style. However my pride has lowered and I carried on talking and if he got some kind of kick in thinking I fancied him or if he thought bloody hell she's a freaky bird, it really doesn't matter. And then I've had a couple of times walking realising that everything feels heavy and dragging but from inside of me. Every lift of my foot seemed to be a real effort for my leg and I could feel something in my tummy really drained at the effort.

So maybe it's more than mania or maybe it's connected.

I also think it's connected with stress levels that I've had during the last 4 nearly 5 months. I can see alot of my part in this now. That is not to say that I was wrong and I do not take ownership of anyone else's part in this. There could be a lot to be learnt not just by me but whether that opportunity is taken or not is something I can let go of.

These last months have felt like I'm pushing my way through a forest that is so dense there is no room to get around the trees. Instead I've had to push through the tiny gaps, ripping my skin at times and getting bruised and battered. It's been dark, cold and very frightening not knowing what sort of creatures will leap out and from which direction, from above, below, behind or in front of me. Trying to be alert to them and still pushing through the trees and feeling at times very lonely has been draining of all energy and crazy-making. It seemed like the forest was endless, getting past every tight squeeze just presented another one immediately and no light seemed to be shining through. And then suddenly I pushed past a tree only to fall right over the cliff edge. I didn't see it was there. It's relieving and freeing but also it's a bit of free fall right now. It represents I think this feeling of getting through the forest, realising that I've found a way through and the relief of that. Seeing that I was helped all the way but also forgetting that at times. That's ego stepping in. As if I did it and with that comes this free falling feel or wild excitement. The stress coupled with this high sense of achievement feels over stimulating in way. The mania or state that seems be rising during the day and then swooping into a low from the energy drain at night. I'm tired of it.

I'm getting some understanding though, even though it may seem very confusing to you.

In talking daily with my sponsor my acceptance of a mental illness is growing. Somehow the mania me needs to be acknowledged. I want people to recognise this side of me as valid. Not crazy and fool-hardy with ridiculous ideas, but a real part of me. I feel written-off when in this high. I think this is historical too as any ideas were simply disregarded and everyone (parents, especially my mum) waited for the high to die down and then "normality" to re-settle and then I would be listened to. But what about the high me. The ideas and desires are still valid. They are not "crazy" they are do-able and achievable although probably needed guidance and timeliness which in the high is what lacks. I am impulsive and racy. I recognise that and get to despise that bit because that's the bit that gets me into trouble in various ways. But it's also the bit that gets everything disregarded as being a little bit "fruit and nutty". How to get taken seriously? How to get the ideas into some sort of action before the despondency reappears and conformity engulfs the creative part. Why can't I have it all? Does everyone have this? Or do "normal" people have a constant balance to be creative and rational at the same time and appear balanced?

No one on this earth is perfectly normal. Everyone's brain wirings are unique, however the brains are all following a basic design. A design that is still on trial and approval. It's evolving and being tweeked with every generation even within our own lifetime. Evidence reveals this more and more. Some quirks just don't work at all and those used t die out, now medical advancement can keep those alive too more and more or at least lengthen the life span. maybe those quirks then will become differently attuned but because there are differences from the main design, the one that most people think of as normal, there are stigmas attached.

People are afraid of anything out of their normal sphere. For some that sphere is broader or narrower than others. We have to learn to deal with that. The population of this planet are fearful when out of the norm. I get fearful of just the slightest changes. But over these last months I have learnt so much about this fear and my prejudices that arise because of it. The defects of my character suddenly are all at the forefront. Supposedly trying to protect me but less and less do they work. Because there is something deeper and stronger that doesn't like the damage those elements of me cause. Now I could fade back into the despondency and withdraw. Depression and staying in my flat and avoiding. Sometimes I need to have rest time, that can be hours and days sometimes. But not letting that turn into avoidance is a real fine balance. The high is also some form of avoidance. I don't think I'm using it to get away, it's almost a way of getting involved. Elation. Super elation. It's as if something in me has been freed and as a result although I'm free falling it permits me to be who I am. And yet it's over the top? Is it though? The impulsive attitude and compulsion is not so helpful. After all telling by clinical manager yesterday has left me feeling anxious and ashamed. But I need to be careful of that self-hatred. This is pride and ego. I need humility and self love. I think being advised to tell him was OK but then I have such a need for the manic me to be acknowledged and accepted that I trotted off without checking in with anyone and slowing things down.

That is certainly what i need to do - slow myself down. I will take from a suggestion made to me and sit for extra quiet time this evening. 20 minutes. My quiet time anyway isn't very quiet with so many thoughts and words and images flying around my mind. Writing helps slow them and capture them. My sponsor is worried that I am over analysing. I probably am but I can't stop it. So writing helps (I think). Otherwise what do I do with all of these thoughts?

And then if I just let them pass they've been creations that fade into non existence.

Another morning. It's funny really that your dissertation should be along similar tracks.

This morning my head is slower and emptier. I can feel the distinct difference. An I want thoughts to be more orderly than the randomness that they've been in. It's incredible the difference.

Yesterday was a hectic day at work. There is so much to do it's non stop. And this is because we are no longer permitted to have sessionals to cover the gap made by someone being away on holiday"

Since then I realised that I really have been wanting someone to acknowledge the manic version of me as being just as real. I want to have the ideas acknowledged as OK even if there is muddled thinking. There does need some direction to get the ideas into an orderliness but that doesn't mean the ideas are not valid because it's in mania. I can see how my mum always dismissed this part of me and these ideas and wants without knowing what it was.

Bliss
xx

Self will and fear

"Willpower is like the super turbo boost button on video game: It works only for a limited duration of time. It needs time to recharge between uses. And the results of using it are somewhat unpredictable. It is a handy tool to have, and it sure is exciting when you mash that button, but if you use it too often you won't have it when you need it, and using it at the wrong time can cause a most spectacular crash."

I read this today when searching for alternative descriptions of powerlessness. I liked it. Now I know there is healthy self will. We need will power to get up in the morning and to take the action required to actually make this programme of recovery work. It's a programme of action as they say. The healthy will though is very much guided. Guided by my understanding of God and God speaks through people as well as through my conscience and through intuition and through the written words and through music and pieces of art and general creativity.
I need to be cautious when making decisions and then act on those decisions. The best thing to o is sit in quiet time and ask God for guidance. I can check things out with my sponsor and other FA'ers. I can talk things through with friends. I can read and I can write and I can listen, listen at meetings, listen, listen. listen and ask!

Now I have heard for many years that the only way to deal with with fear is to face it. I have heard people say that the only thing to fear is fear itself but I don't agree with this. As with all emotions I believe that to deal with fear it is important for me to trust. If I acknowledge the fear then I can choose to trust. When I trust I love the fear and this is the quote M has pulled out of a Sylvia Plath book. I can't remember the words she had written but the essence I think was "the only thing to love is fear itself".
I can love the fear that I faced with the situation at work. I was so terrified but not even sure what that fear was of? What did I thin could happen? Everything was changing I didn't feel qualified or capable. I was scared that I'd be discovered for being useless. And useless would mean unemployable. And without a job and an income I would be unable to love any quality of life at all. I ask myself what quality I am living now? Well it's basic but it's above average basic in some ways. And these things are purely material, well and events to enjoy and stimulate and create.
You see how messages come through so many sources. Inspirational.
Here is the quote from the book Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams by Sylvia Plath - "the only thing to love is fear itself. Love of fear is the beginning of wisdom.
I really  do embrace this concept. If I can face the fear then I will learn and grow. My faith grows. All will always be well regardless of what happens. An this is wisdom and growth in itself.

I am tired. I need to sleep

Bliss
XX

another fine line you got me into

the line of security verses repression is what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if it's a bi-polar thing, all these extremes and then the gap where the fine line is.
So today I decided to return to Day 1. What does this mean? This means I have an opportunity to really look at my powerlessness. I cannot afford to be anything but entirely and utterly vigilant. That means being precise about my measurements of my food. Not a little ore or a little less. And every measurement and chosen food item matters. When I allow thins to just go by as if unnoticed this is the slippery slope down. Now I think this is security although at times I can think it's repression, too rigid and rigidity can seem tedious. When I listen to others it can sway me and I can forget the power food can have over me. I can feel so miserable and become suicidal. I feel imprisoned and break free by more eating and for a second I don't give a damn. But then guilt and the shame ensues and I need m ore food to deaden that. This is repression surely.
And all through that "ah! lets get free and easy" attitude. Rebellion? It's not as strong as rebellion I don't think. Rebellion to me is far more forceful and visibly destructive. This is a much quieter form of rebellion. Is there another description for it? A desire for nonconformity. Because conforming seems weak and boring to me. A sheep not a leader. Someone who can't think for themselves. It's also about how other will think of me. This is the mental illness? To think that conforming makes me a weak, pathetic person. How can I let the security of routine just be and it's that security that permits me to be free and creative.
This resonates with the Marcia theory of adolescence and part of the psychosocial identity theory of Eriksson. He talked about identity theories within the stages that Erikkson proposed. There is also a link as I see it with Bowlby's attachment theory. There is this period of adolescence that in my mind is a preparation for moving into adulthood. And within a secure family the adolescent is able to start exploring a broader patch of life, developing ones own network and seeing and experiencing beyond the safety of the home and parents. It's a time of beginning to develop opinions of ones own. I think parents have a difficult time with this as it represents change and change represents loss. My dad for example never seems to deal with this with any of the children he befriends. And he became unbearably controlling when I reached this stage. And of course this has an impact.
In my view this period of growth is to be able to go out and get into scrapes and make mistakes but to be able to come home to the family and address the issues that arise, explore and understand the mistakes and go forth and try again. But if there is dysfunction within the family and too repressive an approach or an attitude of no boundaries, then already the set up is influencing how this period of growth will be affected. For example if parents are too controlling there will be a sense of insecurity - too controlling could be too strict and high expectations with shaming being the way of punishing, even if this all occurs at an unconscious level. So when mistakes happen in adolescence the family home is the last place to go back and review the situation. I think this is where the extended family of the past was a useful resource as well that is missing today. Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents that might be easier and one removed from over protection with grand parents. Of course I see how over the years there is dysfunction in that. There is imperfection within all humans so of course there will always be dysfunction. But also there are devastating effects of the extended family too. Incest, rape, meanness and so on. We all know the horrors. And entrapment. The roaming families for want of a better term mean that people have had broader experience without the shackles of the extended family. There are pros and cons of course. But if people were to keep becoming more consciously aware of all the interactions, environmental, social, as Sameroff described in the complex Transaction Model of development, then we could all be working towards improvement all of the time. Instead of just trying to get it right I think for me I just need to keep becoming conscious and looking for ways to improve. Perfection is Nirvana and Nirvana is when I die.
So where was I? Way off the track. But along similar parallels. Teh creation of security without repressing. So anyway yes the family duty is to create security without repressing or indeed creating over confidence. Somewhere in the middle is balance. And I never think the fine line is one single line, I think that balance is within a varying amount. In psychological statistics I think that would be the confidence intervals. It's an inference that there is a balance and it differs between individuals sowhere between this and this. So say there is a variotion from 1 to 100, the fine lines or interval of balance between security and repression would perhaps be between 45 and 55. An everyone has to find for themselves where they are within that. And that presents another influential dilemma. The balance interval for onw person maybe different from their own child. So if a parent tries to impose their own balance on another it immediately creates an influence. So how to develop that trust in the Universe to just be there as a support whilst also ensuring there is security throuh boundaries. So long as there is felxibility and not rigidity then all will be well? It's so complex huh!
No wonder I've been baffled recently and prior to my recovery years note ven aware of teh balance intervals. My parents certainly didn;t really show me. I think my mum may have had more of an idea but dad was rigid and controlling for certain, no benefit of the doubt there. However, I can understand more these days and so am more forgiving and less blaming. That's a blessed relief, Thank you God. To be free of that resentment is just freeing beyond anything I could imagine. And hence I think I've found the route through my struggles at work slightly easier and faster to stop and loo at. Yes it's been since January but I'm pleased that it's only May and thigns within me are so different.
And so doors are opening even if they are not all seeming right at this moment. Portsmout, Southampton, even Bognor. I just need to go and explore them. hence I need to complete the application forms.

So with my food it's security for me to follow the precise food plan and trust that the fellowship is working for everyone not destroying them. I see it working. I trust my sponsor through her experience, she is not trying to stifle me, she is trying to help me. And I know that withut that certainty of my food I take advantage. It's the mental illness of wanting more and wanting tings my way and believeing that I can get away with that or this because I can control that. I know from years of experience that I simply cannot control my food at all. I am utterly powerless. So by keeping that absolutely tight, it is possible to have freedom and creativity in other ways. Why on earth would I not want to do that. It's my anger seeping out in a subtle way? Anger becoming control?
I've been angry at work and it's diminished into frustration but when I'm frustrated I can get very stompy footed, and thinking why can't people just do it my way!!?
Plus there's the ongoing insecurity with my finances. It's scary. The future is scary. It's another fine line and balance interval. Living in today and trusting that tomorrow all will be well. But unless I am investing in today then I'm not taking responsibility for tomorrow. Then I think well I could be dead tomorrow so why not spend what I have in today and enjoy it. But then tomorrow I wake up and I've less for that day.
What about having to work forever into my old age, when already I get so tired. But then if I'm doing something I love within an environment I enjoy then I'm not so drained. But what if I'm not doing something I love in an environment I enjoy - well work through it and as I'm seeing doors will open. So long as I keep looking and then filling the other areas of my life with things and people I do enjoy I am getting sustenance enough. I can be content with my best efforts.
I think I'm seeing it. I feel repressed at work but at the same time there is security as I know what I am heading for each day. I'm getting the opprtunity to develop as a person. And when I take on a happy attitude it is actually even fun. After all L and I had a little laugh yesterday afternoon. It was brief and silly but a luagh it was nonetheless. She did a lot of the groups too. So she wants to work like a trooper then that's what she's doing. I don't like working at that pace and get too tired to keep it up. I am taking care of myself by saying so.
It will be an interesting Supervision session as I feel very different. I will listen and observe once again.
So I am at Day 1. This means no eating out for 90 days. That will probably incvenience a few people over my birthday for example but AB already conceded that it's up to me what I want to do for food on my birthday. And she really does not understand the principles I am only just getting to grips with msyelf. Why would she?
Oh we discussed the fine line of telling friends things like they are putting on weight or their behaviour seems out of order. I thin there is a way of doing this. Saying how I feel about someones behaviour is one thing. And then it's up to them whether it is a problem for them or not and want to change.
I have noticed that RB is putting on weight and changing shape. I want to say something but it's difficult. She does not ask for an opinion but when I knew I was putting on weight I didn't want others to say anything. On the otherhand it's the truth and knowing how sensitive she is about eating and size (I believe she's a foody) then it would be helpful. or would it? I am uncertain. I need tot ake this to quiet time. Perhaps the truth is something to be said but to be considerate of the individual involved may mean not saying anything. I am just not sure. Is it any of my business? This is the balance interval of discretion and brutal honesty. In retrospect I am very glad that ML told me about how she felt when I was darkly involved with SL. Darkly I say because it was day and night and then took me into darker arenas within it. I knew there was shame because I was justifying it and keeping activities secret. If my conscience is clear and my motives pure I do not need to hide anything from anyone. But of course there is discretion. An that is something I need to discern by listening to God.
God, please show me what I need to do with this matter of honesty but maintaining a person dignity. This is a part of my job too really. Learning ow to say things to open up the awareness for the person but without being antogonistic and creatign hostility. This is a balance interval that is very valuable and very difficult to attain. It is a gift of God.

As always I welcome any input. I know though only one friend who dips into this Blog. It's a serious matter of learnign about life and people. Yet no one is erading it and so no one is contributing. It's a pity really as there is an entire world of resource out there at my finger tips. All with differing views that could be so useful for me. And no one ever comments. Oh well. I will take these questions I have, with genuine interest and a desire to be better as a person, to God.

Thank you God for the gift of thought and writing to be able to spill all my thoughts out.

Bliss
XX

The fear of cheese

I would very much appreciate your thoughts on my situation regarding food. My sponsor has suggested I take it to quiet time to ask for guidance as to what i need to do.


I think my issue started Tuesday 2 weeks ago. I now have carbs introduced to both lunch and supper. I am weighing myself weekly. And I had put on less than a pound but it really has aroused a lot of disturbed thinking. I'm afraid. Throughout my eating "career" I have had periods of utter control over food intake through starvation. And then also periods of controlled eating that has I believe resembled recovery to me. Since then I tried different ways to just have food as food and eat 3 times a day but always ending up relapsing on sugar and flour products and of course what I realise now, quantity. In my early days with FA I just wanted to lose weight, I was so desperate and low in mood with my size. The weighing and measuring of course worked but also resembled control.

However I have gradually come to accept that I truly need a very clear vision of what is food abstinence and this FA way has been working. of course with the food abstinent and body image in the hands of God, I have need FA support to be able to deal with the day to day issues that arise for me because of life itself. Thank God for fellowship.

Anyhow 2 Sundays ago I had cheese for my lunch. Absent-mindedly I weight out 4 oz. As I sat down to eat I commented to myself that it looked a lot and suddenly I realised I had 4oz instead of 2oz. So there and then I decided to put what looked like 2oz aside. I cannot think what thought process I went through but whatever it was it didn't include getting up and re-weighing the cheese. Laziness? Desire for the cheese?

I have been afraid of cheese and limited it as a protein to once a week maximum. I don't think I'd ever discussed this fully with my sponsor until the last couple of days. Anyway I didn't discuss the incident itself with my sponsor until yesterday. Actually now I'm writing it I am wondering if the increase in weight was last Tues rather than the previous one. I will have to check my log now when I get home.

Anyhow 2 further incidents occurred. One day my protein was just under 4oz. I thought to myself I'd get it made up by the kitchen at work. It was under by about .3 of an ounce if I remember correctly. And then another day my cooked veg was under and I decided it was OK.

I did not check it out with anyone or even mention any of these 3 incidents to my sponsor. But my thinking was whirring. I was thinking so I may lose some weight but it won;t be as a genuine result of abstinence. Then my sponsor might be adjusting quantities based on false information. Then I might put on weight based on all of that nonsense. It really only became clear to me in my quiet time yesterday morning and so I shared it all with my sponsor. With I might add great embarrassment and shame that I had kept it a secret and for the behaviours and thinking.

She has asked me lots of questions that to be honest I am over thinking. I am trying to find rational answers to her questions. I'm just realising this now as I am writing this to you. I do get a lot of clarity through writing.

There is the question of needing to go back to day 1 (another 90 days) as there was an element of me saying "I can't be bothered" when deciding not to re-weigh the cheese, which would have been easy enough. I actually cannot clearly think of the thought process now. I think part of me was thinking "eat it, what the heck" and the other part of me terrified.

90 days involves, not sharing at meetings and listening. I can't think what else it involves. I will need a reminder from my sponsor.

Actually in writing that I can see the powerlessness and at that precise moment there was no acceptance, it was self-will both ways.

Or do I take it as a red alert. Continue as I am but remember why I need to be absolutely precise about weighing and measuring because I am powerless.

I am perfectly content to return to day 1. I will have to shed some pride in my regular meetings and explain my return to not sharing etc. They make judgements against FA for being too controlling etc but this would be my choice and I can easily shrug off their thoughts on this. What matters is that I maintain my abstinence. I do not want to return to being in the craziness of addictively eating. This recovery matters and is my priority.

What concerns me also is that the relief and freedom have received as a result of behaving and thinking differently with the troubling situation at work isn't as pure as it has seemed. Maybe the food element has brought me the relief. However all it feels as if it has brought me is too much time thinking and agonising about it. Which of course takes away from my difficulties.

I can also give myself such a hard time about not getting it right. I feel I've let myself down and my sponsor is now not so pleased with me. I know that's not how it works. I know I am an addict through and through so there will be all sorts of unconscious motives for all of this. I am just not fully aware of the underlying drives.
I can create a drama from absolutely nothing. So I realise by writing that my sponsor is right. I just need to keep taking this to quiet time and trust that I will get some clarity.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out. It's more of a thought release I suppose. Rather than it all whirring around my mind, it's now all out in type. Thank God for words!


I would certainly appreciate any feedback you might have.

Bliss



XX

By myself

Hmmm I can so Miss Independent ad then recall other times when I've been this independent. Its the Southdown Convention today. I've decided to make my own way there, not arranged to "hook up" with anyone in particular, expecting to see a number of people I know anyway. Now I'm about to leave and recalling other times I've been this independent and felt like I stick out like a sore thumb and a sense that I am obviously clumsy and uncomfortable and needy. When needy people tend to avoid like the plague. Well that's my sense of things. I am a sensitive person and become super alert when I am feeling in danger. The danger is? Well that I'm vulnerable and exposed. people won't like me because I might latch onto them (and have done), that I can be rejected and therefore feel even lonelier and unlikeable. So I'm going along for about 1 1/2 hours. I need to be back here for 11:30 ready for the AWOL at 12:00. Leaving at 09:00 means I will get there for about 09:30. I hope I will be there for D's share. I'm sure to see some familiar faces and get chatting. Knowing how to chat and then move on, such social skills require practise. And what am I moving on to? That's the exposed feeling. Firstly that I feel awkward, cumbersome, wanting to sound interesting and joyful, then not knowing how leave them for fear of sticking out as the LOSER all alone. Yet I like being independent too. I can appear confident even if I am not feeling it inside. At least my size is contributing to my confidence now rather than deflating me.
Does everyone have this fear. It can become such an impending sense of horror that often I just don't bother to show up for things. I've cancelled many an event and with such shame even in relief. Letting people down. This wouldn't be letting anyone down really not to show up but it's the commitment to me and the support of AA. That's the reason I wanted to go in the first place. Just to be a part of it all in my own little way. So off I go. I know where it is at least. And it will probably be easier to park this morning. It's £4.00. I will go along with questions such as - Do you go to many conventions? How do they contribute to recovery do you think? Lots of people speak so positively about conventions and give this one especially a good press. Do you ever get involved in the organisation of them? What's that like?
Yes keep the focus on them - I would like to avoid saying how are you? If I say anything of this vein I would like to ask how the week has been for them?
I can finish off saying, well I'm going to carry on mingling with people now. Lovely to see you and enjoy your day.
How does that sound?
Please God show me the way to be. I'll show up as I have committed to do so and now I need your help. Thank you. Oh and God please make it a successful day and help a newcomer to see the way through. Thank you.
Bliss
XX

The gap between the extremes

Well! Thank you God. It works! It really does.
Since the middle of January I have been agonisingly in agony, troubled to my very core with the changes in my work place. Namely the departure of P and the arrival of L. Such different people. I have been angry, escalating to fury. I know I afraid but often unable to identify this through all the other emotions. I've been confused, discombobulated and disappointed. At times I've been blaming and resentful. My attitude then has been argumentative and distasteful at time. When I lash out my self hatred quickly turns on me and then I resent her even more somehow. I've hated her for making me feel so low and despairing. I've wanted to run. I've wanted to stay in bed, be off sick for weeks on end doing mind numbing things. I've wanted to go to the other extremes of high partying and taking risks. I've become paranoid thinking at times that she's recording us in the office, or at the least able to hear us through her hearing aid connection equipment. I noticed my paranoia had intensified generally, fear spreading. I was becoming more and more uncertain about myself and my skills and abilities. Gradually quietening, having little to say because I thought it was incorrect or inadequate. Inwardly questioning everything about me simply augmenting the already heightened fears.
What have been the fears?
I am never really clear on the fears but I think it starts with me being scared that I'm being found out as incapable and inadequate. And then if that has been discovered I will lose my job. If I lose my job what on earth will I do, how will I get an income? And no income will mean that I won;t be able to afford anything at all, I may even lose my home and end up on the streets. And what about the future? Old age for example, how awful will that be? Not to mention the fears of what my dad will think of me. I want a certain easy life style that actually I already can't afford. I don't like it!!
It's been months of mental agony, turmoil. And it's affected everything. My studies are deferred, my energy levels have been low, my activities have decreased, I've had no clear thinking. Every waking thought has been connected with the struggles.
However, I've stayed abstinent. My food has been clean. There have been a couple of wavers, for example not having quite enough veg or protein and allowing that to go under. I haven't mentioned that to my sponsor. I need to. I can't even remember which days. It was two days during the last week, since putting on nearly a pound in weight the week before. That shook me to the core as well.
I also had the funny situation with cheese last Sunday. I had weighed it as 2 oz but when re-weighing it I got it into my mind that it was 4 oz. It really was a mistake. Only as I was eating it did I realise that there seemed to be so much more cheese than normal. I took a whole heap off my plate but didn't re-weigh it, I assessed it. That threw me a bot. I thought it would make all the difference so I think the drops I permitted, and they were not even entire ounce drops, for example the protein was 0.5, but the whole imbalance had started. I feel dreadful that I haven't told my sponsor. I feel ashamed and afraid. But the reality is that has been the course of the events and the secrecy will be the downfall of the whole thing. I need to become clean and not take things into my own hands.
So apart from this, I've been taking on the suggestions. I've been calling out every day. During the calls I've gone on and on about the situation at work with L and how awful I've felt. I shared the blame and resentment over and over again. Months of it. It's been suggested that I pray for her every morning and every evening. To begin with that was ad hoc but gradually I got into the practise of praying for her to have everything I would desire for myself. And I prayed for her happiness, prosperity and health. I still am praying for that and including my dad and Theresa with the same hopes that God will provide them with the same.
My sponsor kept reminding me that y only job is to maintain my serenity. Yet everyday I was not serene. I was angry and then I would say things that would be antagonistic, not on purpose, but would contribute to the bad feeling between L and I. I was blaming her for making me like that though. I was reminded to step out of self, which I was thinking to stop thinking all the time about me. But I also realised it's stepping out of the feelings. As my sponsor said listen and observe. I would listen for a while and then jump in with an opposing opinion. I would be so scared that I compulsively defended myself by being argumentative, at times gossipping in an attempt to rally allies. I would accuse and blame and resent in my defensiveness. But then afterwards I would really be hating myself for the way in which I had mishandled things. Always taking it on me that there was a horrible atmosphere.
It was said several times over the months that there was evidently an issue between L and I. To begin with I hated being accused of being the problem. That's what I heard. Especially when L said to S that she liked S. She didn't say that to me at all, she only referred to the issues. So I interpreted that immediately that she doesn't like me. Mind you the way I have attacked her at times, it's not surprising and I haven't liked her for the way she has attacked me. Touche.
So very little listening even when I truly intended to. Then suddenly this week, the personality change in me occurred.
I have no idea how the clarity happened apart from a process over all of these past months. Little things drip feeding through, maybe the emotional strain was grinding me down, enough to have to stop emoting. The praying, the growing faith that has been like an engine trying to start. Speaking with other and hearing their experiences. Being listened to and people identifying similarities of attitude, the self-centredness of wanting and needing reassurance, the fears. Praying, praying and praying some more to be shown how to be. Praying for inspirational thoughts for what to do next. Praying.
Tuesday was team meeting day. It was this week wasn't it? Yes it was.
I listened and listened. I listened out in me for the defensiveness but observing when I was about to say but" or become argumentative. When I noticed myself about to do that I stayed quiet even more and listened some more. I had prepared myself somewhat to be able to say tings like "So I think I have understood that ....." And as I did L seemed to be agreeing and even adding to my contribution rather than arguing against it. I suddenly had a real clarity, thank you God for the inspirational and creative thought. When it became clear, and I asked for clarity, that we were not going to be recruiting when A leaves (1 June), I said in that case we need to change the programme to better suit the way L wants the groups to run and to suit the new staffing levels. The problem is she likes working at a high level. When is it a culture of over working when trying to adapt to a number of different people's idea of work levels? Where and what is the gap?
I started to accept that L is the boss for whatever reason. I didn't want the role and whoever would have taken it would certainly bring about changes. It was just that these were so different, a completely different approach to addictions therapy. And done in a way that she seemed to be undermining us, criticising us. When in actual fact she is criticising the programme. But as we have been working and supporting the programme it feels as if she is criticising me. It's so hard to separate the two.
Oh and I was glad, thank you God, to have been given the words when meeting with N, that yes there was/is a problem between L and I but I'm not the only one who is having a similar problem. I didn't say it but I refused to be the scapegoat and I felt good about that.
So in the team meeting, I really stepped aside from self. I out the emotions to one side and therefore didn't need to defend myself. Instead I was protective - there is a fine line, but where and what is the line? Where is the gap between defence and protect?
I continue to be baffled by her seeming chaos. She seems to have no boundaries. IS this true though? They are just different from my own. And are mine too rigid at times? I ask that believing that I d have rigid rules with no flexibility. So where is that gap between differences? What is the gap between a flexible boundary and a rigid boundary. For example when is it right that there are consequences having crossed someones or an institutional boundary. Or should someone simply come to their own conclusions? If there are no consequences do people ever come to their own point of a need to change. You see I think there needs to be some order and boundaries, otherwise there would be anarchy.
So anyhow, she has very different boundaries to my own. It's finding a way to accept that. For instance, she is quiet happy to be late for the group. She walks in sometimes just because she wants to be in a group. It's chaos. She has 1:1's and keeps them waiting. She has little awareness of the staffing levels and does her own things anyway. She doesn't take into consideration others thoughts and opinions and does it her own way anyhow. In my opinion this isn't good management. But you see this is where I have to learn and practise acceptance and tolerance. But where is the gap between accepting and not being taken advantage of? What is the gap between acceptance and it not being conducive to good practise? Isn't it all a matter of opinion? How do we begin to negotiate on that.
In terms of the daily practise I can see how the morning group can be very useful in letting the clients just bring to group their own thoughts and topics and discuss them at whatever level. They don't get to the nitty gritty quickly but they work to some level. And then if we can have more time for 1:1 therapy sessions and use the other groups for therapy and information, I can see that a reshaped programme can incorporate everything. It will be less directive and this is something I've always questioned anyway. Interesting how my values can shift to follow people that I think are better than me.
I still do question her rationale that people should be closed down when raising issues such as abuse. I remember this happening to me and the focus being brought back to the addiction. It wasn't helpful I don't think. At the same time I can see her point. But if the therapists can have a part in containing the situation and I think we always have done, then there is a therapeutic value in that. She is saying that it shouldn't be raised and only dealt with in a1:1 therapy session, preparing the person to be with the emotions and then having perhaps a separate abuse group. I think that would be helpful in addition. But this is where we have to agree to disagree. She won't agree to disagree but I can. Once again she is the boss for whatever reason you've decided that God. And what do I know really? What do any of us know really. Nothing is proven to be 100% proof. People still go away traumatised, all we can do is be there to support them when they need someone to turn to. Developing the trust is the key thing here. Knowing that someone is listening and won't abuse them or re-traumatise them. Trust, trust, trust. She does it her way and I do it mine.
I think I have made some mistakes as in strongly pushing C to reveal all to the group. I think the group were quite troubled when J revealed the details of her mums murder. It was difficult to hold the entire groups emotions and trauma with that but in 1:1's Julie became more trusting over time.
There is no right and wrong way, just ways. How I deal with other peoples way is the key to me maintaining my serenity.
I think there is a lot of growing here. Where is the gap though between staying and going? Where is the gap between listening to fear of starting up my own practise and thinking this is God's way of telling me not to do it. Or is it fear blocking me? God please give me an inspirational thought.

Oh and I was honest with my sponsor about the self-will and food this last week. The protein and veg under weighing was worked through. B did ask me to take some quiet time with God to think about the cheese. What did I do with the cheese? Did I take this into my own self will God?
I think I'm scare she will say I can't have cheese at all. That's my fear now. And I've been so pleased not to have it more than once a week. I like cheese. Do I have a relationship that is unhealthy with cheese God?
B mentioned day 1. I'm not afraid of going back to day 1 at all. Another 90 days of listening during meetings. But there are some measures I can take to be more careful to be precise with weighing and measuring - 1 keep the book with me, try to have protein pre-prepared during the week just in case it's under and the same with cooked veg, although B mentioned popping a tomato or something into the microwave if it happens again. I can also tell her as soon as it happens.
I think with the food it's fear of it being taken away from me. And yet this is my choice. I like cheese and it's OK to like certain foods. I have in the past binged on cheese this is true and I know to be very careful with it. Hence I don't have it more than once a week. There is also a fear that if I have it too often it will be too much fat in my diet and then I'll start putting on weight. So it is a food type I am cautious about. Is this self-will God? What do I need to do about this? I will keep asking until there is clarity. I will share my questions with FA people. Non-fa'ers are bound t thin this is faddish or over complicated. What they don;t have to worry about is that food can take me into insanity. So keeping things straightforward with my food will make living life simpler, even when it's troubling.

Bliss
XX

On being alone - Ascension day

I loved hearing this yesterday morning. It was a moment of reflection on the matter of aloneness. I resonated strongly with that inner peace of aloneness but was also reminded how much of my time I have rebuked that notion and despaired for someone to fill what can feel like a chasm. The work in progress is how I am a little more comfortable with aloneness and less lonely. The longing diminishes ever so slightly. Thank you God. I suppose, according to the story of Jesus of Nazareth, the misunderstandings and inexperience are essential. I try to reconcile why? Why did God not give all knowledge from the offset, do away with pain and difficulties from the very beginning. Is this though the spiritual growth, the journey, the river, the road to Nirvana or Ascension? Our personal evolutionfrom undeveloped brain to eventual all knowledge at death. That makes sense to me since learning knowledge about development of humans and the brain.mans have developed areas of the brain beyond those of other creatures. We have technically the same brain stem as that of ancient species such as the crocodile. But we have also evolved beyond that. The miracle. God's gift? Chicken and egg, what came first? Did something kick in meaning we could consciously start experiencing so that we could then develop brain to create more room for conscious experiences? With consciousness comes misunderstandings or confusions and a desire to know more and so more experiences bringing more misunderstandings.

For whatever reason I am where I am in the greater scheme of the Universe. It feels very difficult and frightening when I don't understand and don't know what to do or how to be. But my faith is growing. Especially as I learn how to do things differently and feel the serenity coming back. And in my aloneness I am certainly experiencing life. What is wonderful is that I can share my misunderstandings and inexperience with friends like you and draw from your experience and thoughts. Then my aloneness can remain as bliss and peace and loving and truthful and wise. The pain of loneliness is removed and with it fear can go too.

I embrace being alone more and more but love that we are alone all together. Thank you for being a part of my togetherness, my experience and my misunderstandings.

"When I walk my dog early in the morning in the park, there are very few other people about. A few joggers, other dog walkers, the odd party goers recovering from a heavy night.
On Sunday morning though, I found myself surrounded by 15,000 people in pink who had taken part in a moonlit marathon walk in aid of a breast cancer charity. For me, it was the beginning of my day; for them it was the end of an arduous but by the looks of it enjoyable fund raising walk through the night. The sense of solidarity was palpable; women and men congratulating each other, relieved, emotional, some with the picture or the name of the person they were remembering on their tee-shirts.
Coming together and doing something is a powerful way of facing some of life’s toughest circumstances. In the midst of illness, bereavement, addiction or debt, meeting others and communicating with them about how it feels, what it’s like, for many is a step forward in a situation that is frightening and debilitating.

In the current economic circumstances, painful stories are emerging about people feeling acutely lonely against a high background count of anxiety about how to pay the next bill; hearing endless worrying news about Greek debt, banks not lending enough to small businesses and the stubbornly rising youth unemployment that threatens a European generation. The solidarity provided by food banks, debt counselling groups and night shelters in these circumstances can be a lifeline when you realise it’s not just you.
But today Christians face another equally profound truth; that while of course we are interdependent on one another and on the planet’s resources; while we unavoidably live in community, there is always a part of us that lives inside, alone. Today is Ascension Day; the poetic, sometimes comically portrayed way that the Bible has of saying that Jesus of Nazareth doesn’t stay around forever – but leaves; leaves his companions to get on with it, with all their misunderstandings and inexperience. That small group of men and women changed the world.
There is a paradox about Ascension Day which is to say that one of the most powerful ways of combating the loneliness of isolation is to make our peace with the fact that we are, in common with everyone else, alone. There are unfathomable depths within you and me; wisdom that has come with the years, resilience that has grown with our experience. It may seem unrealistic to talk about hopeful determination when there is so much to feel anxious about. But Ascension Day suggests that it is possible to find when we have made our peace with God in the reality that we live together alone."

Wisely using courage to remain wholesome

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom
Being able to is courage
Walking away with your head held high is dignity.

I am hoping God will help me to be wise, courageous and dignified. Please show me what, how and when I need to do whatever it is You would like me to do.

Bliss
X

Lucian Freud

Martin Gayford
(art critic)


It is my intention to include portraits that I actually saw.

A journey to London by train and a walk around the Lucian Freud Exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery was a lovely time spent. I realised only later when discussing the exhibition that I hadn't had any strong desires to possess any particular piece of work. Interesting. As usually there are several that I just want to have with a longing.
Discussing this with A and B, after B asked whether we liked the exhibition or not was interesting in itself. I''m really not sure if I did like it. I found it interesting. I did like the way he captured Kitty, his first wife but I felt it was very much more symbolic. The way she was holding the cat b y the neck was somewhat disturbing and the flowers seemed t have more meaning. The cat looks at us whilst Kitty looks at something else and she seems to be throttling it.The way he paints eyes is seemingly over exaggerated. It's very much more representational than likeness.

Perhaps because I've seen it so often, this is one of my favourites. I find it unusual how there are some specifics within any painting that he seems to pay a lot of attention to, almost getting it accurate and yet other elements are almost cartoon-like. My gosh! Wouldn't he have hated that? Or would he.


A commented that his paintings were as if abstract using the human form to convey the abstract. If she kept that in mind she went on to say, she could really enjoy them. There were paintings that I could agree with an earlier comment of hers, that they looked like dead pieces of flesh. After all he was concentrating on flesh and bodies. Did anyone ever say that he was trying to get to the emotion and soul? No. It was the outer parts he was concentrating on surely. And apparently his daughters have said that he was distant - a remote island. I wonder when he closed down? I wonder what caused him to distance himself from people? ow true is the hearsay anyway? Wouldn't it have been good to have had some time to get to know him and his thoughts on life, the planet, the universe and everything.


 An early self portrait in which he was holding a feather and other symbolic shapes and figures, which had meanings but that he never revealed to anyone.

According to others, the Queen did  not like the version of herself painted by Freud. It's hardly flattering so I can't say I blame her. I wonder if it was destroyed?








I felt as if I was at the scene of a murder enquiry when I looked at this one. The floor seemed to be very alive, the body not.



I loved this painting of Caroline Blackwood. Apparently she was the woman who his heart was broken over. And this painting shouts emotions despite his apparent lack of ...

Something I fund disturbing was the use of his daughters in paintings of nudity. It just doesn't seem OK but that's probably my own personal influences at play.

Bella Freud


This painting of his children was intriguing, the play on perspectives especially the hands and feet. Even the children seem out of perspective with each other. The woman I think is a lover at that time. Why is it artists think it's OK to have many lovers and partners. It seems so painful to me. But to be bohemian means that one would have to accept it? They were and probably still are still the same?? Or am I cynical. I suppose that the relationship between the artist and the model is pretty intense. However apparently his paintings took many long hours with him requiring his models to go into an inner state. He painted them as if they were shut down and deadened. Is this what he wanted? However in this painting of his children there is life and movement, despite the oddness of enlarged hands and feet.




The detail of the man in the foreground is painting exquisitely in my opinion. His suit, his hands. And the view through the window is very detailed and precise. But the guy standing seemed as if at some point he got bored and just bodged it. Apart from the hand in the tail of the suit. I liked that once A pointed that out.

There were so many paintings, a large collection being exhibited. I was chronologically displayed.
I think it took about 2 hours all in all. So worthwhile. I'm glad I went to see it. At this moment I'm not sure what I have taken away from the experience. I learnt more again about him, art and little details.

In English, the borrowed Italian word impasto most commonly refers to a technique used in painting, where paint is laid on an area of the surface (or the entire canvas) very thickly, usually thickly enough that the brush or painting-knife strokes are visible. Paint can also be mixed right on the canvas. When dry, impasto provides texture, the paint appears to be coming out of the canvas.

It was lovely spending the afternoon with A and B. I think it was useful starting out this long weekend doing something away from work. However, they insist on speaking about the situation. As they do about my food. They and others seem to have more problems dealing with what I can't have than I do. I am so relieved to have freedom with my food. I am grateful for the structure and certainty. This used to be so out of control and I was terrified of that. It was not getting better either, it was worsening. Now though I know what and when precisely I will be eating. Today I have eaten more cheese than I am supposed to. I weighted 2 oz but then as I was re-weighing it I was thinking 4 oz. I noted to myself that it seemed so much more than usual. But having sat down and started to eat it I suddenly realised it should be 2 oz. I stopped eating it but think I have probably eaten over the 2oz permitted. Of course now I am feeling fat which is all in the mind. I will tell my sponsor in the morning.

Thank you Lucian for painting. Thank you collectors for allowing the viewing. Thank you National Portrait and curator for organising the event. Pity I have to pay when I am so poor. However I am grateful for the experience as I love the stimulation. I didn't feel exhausted afterwards as I easily made the meeting and despite it not being such a laughter-filled meeting it was meaningful and helpful.
I need to call a few people I think.

Bliss
XX

Mise en scene

Mise en scene - a little phrase I hadn't heard or retained before last evening when someone asked me the mise en scene.
T said she had written a whole long text on bi polarity and FA. Here's my response.
Oh I wish I had been able to read your text about bi polar and FA. I have been thinking about it some more actually. And I am remembering my own theory that diagnoses are always only moving hypothesis. Something to start out with and that the symptoms can always be shifting. So for instance the umbrella term of a mental illness can manifest in many different ways. I think with me it can manifest in many different ways. And to give it a name is a convenient starting point to seek treatment forms. Addiction too is a mental illness and I think it ebbs and wanes depending on how I a or am not dealing with life issues. There is some brain wiring that has been affected genetically (i.e. I have a predisposition towards functioning in a particular way) and also there are the things that happened in my childhood that infiltrated the brain wiring of mine to be received in a particular way sort of reinforcing the wiring. Neither exist without the other. And so - depending on the way my brain is chugging and the life forces of my daily environment is how this all comes together. I think it's problematic to call it a mental illness. But I suppose there is some sort of level that appears to be a norm - the problem is I truly don't believe any single person has perfect brain wiring - everyone to varying degrees has some kind of mental illness in that case. The difficulty comes when the "wiring" and therefore the ways of dealing with life situations becomes dysfunctional or in other words there are harmful consequences - harmful to self and/or others. It is then that change is needed to minimise the harm. Therefore if the "illness" is addiction and it starts to cause problems there needs to be a change. I can see that with my food. It has been problematic for years and causing me health problems at times but also increasingly contributing to mental difficulties - self-esteem, cognition to varying levels and at different times. There have been times when I will simply accept size and deal with the lack of self esteem that brings. And other times size will be so crippling I barely function in the world - skulking along in the dark shadows rather than be seen.
It's similar with the highs and lows. There have been times when I've relished the highs, enjoying the craziness and the risk taking. The crazy relationships have all brought adventures until the pain hits. But none of these things stand alone. They are not separate illnesses or rather one label doesn't mean that the symptoms are stand alone. No I think that the symptoms cross over each other and probably trigger each other. I am certain that my highs augmented my drinking so that I would keep uppping the extent of risk I would take. And similarly the lows were the necessary brain rest but almost obliterating life completely, feeling trapped and suffocated.
The funny thing is FA people do talk about this being a mental illness and so as I listen and really listen I see that they are saying "I'm a food addict and this is a mental illness". And I know that I have mental issues. Illness in my perception is something that then makes a person different from others whereas more and more I am believing that everyone is just on a spectrum of variation, no one in other words is entirely "well" if we use that ill well determinant. It's a continuum of varying and some are worse or better than others along that continuum.
The thing is when people use labels it tends to create a stigma. It's the same with racism or any other prejudives, it's people making other people different from and the same as. It could be linked with the days of living in tribes. There's my tribe and there's the other tribe and we become protective of ourselves in our own tribe for the Darwin theory of survival of our gene. Dawkins The Selfish Gene theory.
Anyway keeping it with the labels and so as not to digress too far down the evolutionary explanation - these labels or diagnoses can be helpful except when people then get stuck in the diagnoses. Using the label to explain everything away rather. I can use the bi polar one to excuse risk taking behaviour or even to excuse the desire to do absolutely nothing, the depression where I simply do NOTHING and therefore my house gets messy and I do not want to face the difficult situations in my life such as the fear I have around this woman at work - it's obsessive - this is all mental dysfunction whatever label I put to it - addiction, bi polar, psychosis, etc etc.
I am praying for you. I am certain you will be taking in useful information that someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe in years to come will be a part of your growth and enhance the already wonderful beautiful you I see.
I have to be careful because I can easily convince myself I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. Especially as I am dealing with my primary addiction to food. I really, really know this is it as I feel a lifting of the compulsion and obsession. However it leaves me with the issues I have with life and people. I hear the messages of self hatred and doubt all the time. Now I think these are linked with being wired so that I am on the very sensitive end of that continuum. I guess that continuum can be at one end highly sensitive and at the other completely desensitised
both extremes can be as dangerous for a person in the sense that behaviours and attitudes can cause problems for the desensitised person (psychopath would probably be the extremest extreme). The highly sensitive or nervous person is caused problems by receiving behaviours and attitudes from others. And I feel sure we can all bounce from one extreme to the other bt often default at one extreme. Again theories but not evidenced through any research
So remove the plasters I have used i.e. food, relationships, alcohol, narcotics, hedonism or any form of escapism and there I am exposed to the things I've been trying to cover up - high sensitivity. It really doesn't matter anymore how or why I am like this. I also theorise that it doesn't start of as chronic as it ends up. We get to that point gradually through the wearing of way of trying to deal with life.
So here I am highly sensitive - a form of mental illness. And feeling totally vulnerable and scared.
T: Hi I love reading what you write. I am at NLP course now and over the weekend. And have forgotten my Norwegian adapter to my English computer - meaning I will not be able to go on the computer till I am home if I don't find adapter - which is very difficult - already phoned shops. Well addiction. I feel lost now with no sponsor and no contact with FA except you. I love the break even if I am a bit scared where it will end. But I know I can go back whenever I like.
T you will be OK whatever happens. Of that I am certain. If you want to go back to FA it will be there.
T: Need to know more about my brain and mental illness as I have huge problems accepting - so find it mot=re intriguing and OK when you say that everyone has some kind of mental disorder.
You may find another way. It may be that you just become at ease just the way you are.
By the way I'm sorry for writing out my theories and thoughts as I have done this morning. It helps me to get my thoughts into order writing it and especially knowing someone else will read it and add new ideas to my ideas
T: I am wondering if NLP works on me at all. I did a commitment to not eating chocolate last time - but that didn't work. Previous in my life I have tried hypnosis to stop smoking - that didn't work either. I think these techniques don't get deep enough in me. It's like they just flush off the surface. I'm not bothered in a way. Scares me when other people come back and said that the NLP techniques of seeing chocolates as something disgusting kept them off eating it while I just didn't care thinking of it as disgusting when I wanted it..
Hmmm interesting. I wonder if it depends on what you want from NLP. Again this is simply a theory but if you want something to take the responsibility for the action then maybe you/I don't let the NLP in deep enough.
I see people come into treatment expecting the treatment to take away the desire to drink
T: Keep writing to me - i like reading your theories.. gives me something to think of.
of course that doesn't work - the treatment gives people information and helps them look at what the addictions have actually resulted in to strip away the euphoria
then they have to decide whether they are willing to go to the lengths required to stay stopped
T: Yes I want to stop being obsessive. But its like I am not interested anymore but just have to be here because it costed me a fortune and I can't not try it. But I don't have all of me in it - if you see.
Knowing what the "illness" is or the consequences of eating chocolate or talking about issues from the past are all just providing more self awareness
T: It's like I don't have all of me in anything. It's like being numbed for the time being. I'm not here if you see.
 the desire to stop has to come from deep within and then if open to that I see the info drop in too
T: Gosh how difficult to explain or maybe you just understand. I am here but I am not here
I really do understand that feeling of being numbed and not entirely present in any area of my life. I want to be but just can't seem to be.
I truly do understand that
just functioning. So many times I went to see SC my therapist and it was sitting in his room that I could really see how I was knowing how I should be but just wasn't totally with myself
I described it as being like a shell and my soul wasn't there anymore
I can still get like that of course. Difficult issues at work have switched off a part of me. It's as if I completely detach
I also know that going through menopause magnified that. It's as if I was blanketed because of an excess or maybe a decrease of hormones
And the hunger for food I had was just a power I had never encountered before.
T: Yes true. Shell without soul. And people kept asking me yesterday at the course where I was - hello Tone are you here? So I really understood that I am not present this time. And that it is affecting others. Shall I leave today?
It was worse than ever I had known it and it's been bad for as long as I can remember
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't leave
T: Bliss do you know why we disappear like this - you said you had the same feeling sometimes - why do you have that feeling or do it?
See it through. Keep showing up, take in what you can even if it's merely at an intellectual level. Don't give up on yourself
I think I disappear in this way because I am afraid. Afraid of what I ask myself?
I think it's also a way of dumbing down the emotions. I no longer have food, alcohol, drugs, men, partying etc to dumb down the feelings. I am a person (mental disorder perhaps) that has heightened emotions, I am very sensitive to the world and this brings on LARGE emotional reactions
T: Thanks I will be there even if it affects the others - they can take responsibility for themselves and just don't care with me. It is the most aware people that see that I am not alert.
I get overwhelmed by my emotions because I seem to over react - i.e. I behave to extremes in reaction or my attitude is massive or my beliefs become extreme which create catastrophising thinking or black and white thinking
so the only way I can deal with this it seems or in my belief system so deeply buried to the point of being unconscious is that I detach from my emotions. BUT
there is a price - the price is I am an almost an empty shell and then I cannot emotional respond to anything. If I let even a little emotion out I go back to explosion and extremity
T:Yes I am afraid of over reacting at work especially. There is going to be a meeting on Monday and I am scared but not willing to accept I am scared. I can't be scared coz I have to show up. But of course I can be scared and show up - as I will.
So what I am realising is that I have this mental disorder - mental that affects emotional and spiritual and physical. The physical comes out as addictive behaviours
You can be scare and take your fear to other people that can listen and even relate. I relate absolutely. The problem is I don't have solutions from my experience yet that I can share with you.
What am I afraid of? I am afraid that I will be seen as under qualified and incompetent. Is this pride? I am as qualified as I am. But I tell myself that I am dealing with peoples lives and so how can I possibly be doing this job with the little knowledge I have.
I have theories but the truth I truly see is that everyone only ha theories - no one knows absolutely
there is evidence to support that everything and anything works or doesn't
But other people don't know they are only working with theories. Their pride tells them they know. But to know that often means they have to show that others are wrong
I am glad to know I don't know but it leaves me afraid of being spotted as not knowing
I am then afraid that they will want to get rid of me
worse than that I am afraid they will be conspiring behind my back to get rid of me or reduce my salary which then taps into my fear of financial worries. I am struggling so much in this are. And I like to have things or be able to do things. And if I have no money I will absolutely bored. Boredom is a killer for me. I go into a deeper depression when bored or explode out of myself and build up debt which then causes me to worry more - you see nothing stands alone it's all so interconnected
I am afraid too that I will be a failure. And to fail means I am not respectable. I am afraid what others will think of me. If I have no money I cannot do things with other people and they will abandon me. If I am a failure at work people won't want anything to do with me. I have to have proof that I'm not a failure because I do not believe I am enough. And I need other people to see that I successful because otherwise they won't have any value of me and confirm that I am not enough. I would also add this perception of failure is external. Failure is simply a word for something that hasn't worked. That happens. Everyone has failure at some points or other. It eems that so many people use this word meaning that's it everything is over. So I might fail an exam. That's it for now but it doesn't mean to say that's it life over. There are many ways of dealing with a failure - get up and try again, try something else until finding things that I can succeed at more easily, take a break. Look at the elements that have gone well. Failure is used as so utterly defeating. It's not. Everyone makes mistakes, has strenghts and weaknesses. everyone is different. Some people have a btter capacity to remember than others - does this mean that one is a success and one a failure. Society has developed the world based on particular measures. It doesn't mean to say people falling under those specific measures are worthless and failures. It's the measure that set that up! The problem is people are people and if only we could lvoe each other for being who we are rather than what a few think everyone should be and if not dispose of them. Poop!
How intricate my thinking is and adds to my fear.
The problem is that before I turn on myself I turn on everyone else that I think is attacking me. I get resentful first and then in my defensiveness I get aggressive - verbally, or in my attitude and then I hate myself for being like this and then I turn that hatred on myself - evidence that I am a terrible out of control nasty person.
How much effort can one person put into all of this no winder I'm so exhausted
And I HAVE to prove that "she or he" is the baddy because then I'm not. But they are just being who they are. I am the one with a mental disorder. I just need to learn how to be OK. I think at work you see that they will find out they employed an incompetent. Someone just meddling my way through. I was like that in my last job and had made it through the ranks to the dizzy heights of middle management. Thought I was a somebody but inside was scared they'd see really I was a nobody.
Phew T. I relate to your fear at work. Hence I need to keep talking about it so that I can keep finding the energy to face it and learn. Learn how to take action and just be OK being me. If I keep running ( addiction, off sick, leave etc) I will never ever learn.
I am praying for you. I am certain you will be taking in useful information that someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe in years to come will be a part of your growth and enhance the already wonderful beautiful you I see.
Thanks for letting me ramble my thoughts. They get stuck in my head otherwise and I go mad. I am scared that people will just think this is the mental illness I have and none of it really is of any consequence as I'm just crazy. But actually I believe that my theories do have substance. I suspect my psychiatrist will have an opinion on this.
The problem is that I work in a unit that has a philosophy of the Minnesota model based on 12 step and there's little lee-way for me to present it with my understanding. I need to substantiate it somehow or find ways to present this to a paying public. This would be a part of my workshops for therapy groups. It's just using the info already gathered - big book, research etc and then creating the presentation. Any help? We could do this together. :) using art in workshops too.

Understanding the gift of the NOW

Actually, Bliss, if you understood the extraordinary gifts every single challenge in your life makes possible, even inevitable, you'd celebrate your challenges, new and old alike, as the omens that they are of new beginnings, spectacular change, and enhanced superpowers.

Perfect for where you are, huh?
The Universe



Yes perfect for where I am and yet I feel worn down by it all this evening. My self esteem is low and my fear heightened. My fear is of being exposed as incapable and then getting the sack and not being employable. And yet I have evidence that counters this. It's horrid being disliked and discredited by someone whose opinion matters and yet I don't value.
And when asked what it is that is being triggered in me I know without doubt it's the childhood fears of being told I was useless. Not as simply as verbally but through attitude towards me and reactions to me. What matters right now is how I am reacting and sometimes I have felt slightly more empowered. Not when is rage and fighting, oh no then I feel dreadful afterwards. But being assertive and assured without anger or damnation. But today I was scared. Afraid of being judged harshly. In fact I would be judged on poor performance as a result of my fear. The irony huh!!
Please Universe show me how You want me to be. Please help me to maintain my serenity.
Please help me to pray for LK to be happy, healthy and prosperous. Please ensure she has all that I would desire for myself. Thank you Universe. And please help me to mean what I am praying for for her.

Bliss
xx