Accountability page

It feels a little strange writing this knowing someone I know might read it. It's always been fine that S read it in the past. Why is that different. She knows everything. I wrote it with knowledge that it's "out there" and yet it's also been a private place to download feelings and thoughts.

Anyhow I will put all concerns aside and continue to write ...

Pulling out of a tailspin yesterday was quite something. After a lifetime of crashing into despair and all the chaos that can bring, being safe and sound without having to depend on anyone but HP has been a very nice feeling. I would use words such as amazing and wonderful, words to really sound excitable by. But reality has been simply "ah I'm okay". And that seems right. It's as if that been there always and fits well. I think this is how it should be. I think this is what's been missing, the KNOWING.
Somehow I just didn't get shown how to console myself. And so feelings felt terrifying. Sometimes there was terror. My mum would even mock me for the ways I would sit in my bedroom and sob, watching myself in the mirror. She didn't know it was the way I detached from myself and gradually wouldn't hurt anymore. I do not blame or resent my mum and dad. They just did what they did to their best. My dad was "a bit fucked up!", that's all. And so now after all these years I've been learning how to take care of myself, not just cope but really to be able to assuage not suppress, comfort not detach. I really felt the presence of my HP as the tailspin quickly seemed to be out of control. I just saw the glimmer of God, a goldness amidst the dark and I reached out. And then there was no chaos, no outbreak of insane behaviours. Certainly a vulnerability but I was steady again.
Thank you God and with a beaming smile.

I am concerned that I've created a sense in others that I need looking after. Ironic really as it's what I spent a lifetime trying to find and of course constantly let down on because no one can and really it's not what I want. With it comes control and rebellion and dysfunction and eventual discord.
I am not precious and even though I have moments of true frailty, I am merely vulnerable and have a steady inner strength to draw from. It was an absolute realisation that I do NEED anyone but of course I need support. I don't know if the difference is made clear in the way I've put that but I know what I mean. It's just an all knowingness (I don't think that word actually exists but it's a sense thing) that actually everything is and will be okay. Gosh! My general sense of fear is lifting.
So much has altered in this past year. So much has altered in the past 2 and half years in FA. When I thought I worked a good programme FA has shown me there is still more to have and it's just better and better. Such gratitude within me is uplifting. Thank you God.

I have faltered on ACT in recent days. I have not put any action in. The block is putting together the content for the presentation on 25th Feb and with that slides. However, the logo is now done and ready. How flipping exciting.
My profile is uploaded onto the Counselling Directory and can be found in the Haslemere area. I am just awaiting confirmation of the room hire. JB has very kindly lent me some dough to pay for the insurance, the CRB check and start a mailing campaign. I need to make some liaisons with local GP surgeries and see if they would consider me for referrals. That needs time of which I have little. If I could secure this weekly evening talk that might prove fruitful, one never knows. Do I buy a projector with the money I've been lent? Or do I wait and see? Small problem really but a concern nonetheless.
In a way I should have kept a record of how things have unfolded. Along the way so many people have been a party to this becoming what it is.
I had been thinking more about the possibility when I had my Sunday night stay at Champney's with S of FA. And then meeting with L and chatting through some of the techniques I use in a therapy session, she was thrilled and enthralled and encouraged me to think about what I'd need to do to get this underway. All along there is a feeling of guilt about PD. Still though I talked about the idea with AK on our lovely day walking and taking photos. She also was enthralled about the way that I conduct my therapy. I think I do as good a job as I can with the tools that I have. I want to keep learning and improving as a therapist. I want only ever to do the very best for my clients. I was having moans about PD though and the way he is practising at present. I was using this as the reason to start up but really that's bullshit. It contributes to having the energy and enthusiasm, but it's not THE reason.

 

So having felt encouraged by L and AK. So I enquired with S of FA about the contact she has at Champney's and in a moment of utter madness, I sent an email. He replied with enthusiasm about weekly presentation on the subject of food and exercise addiction. And then decided to invite me to make the presentation to him and some colleagues to see if it's suitable for their product. We negotiated an hourly rate and so a date was fixed. 25th Feb. Bloody hell the business existed. No name, no anything. In the meantime I had met DW on PoF. I had a discussion with him about this idea and he enthused more, encouraging me and offering to hep with a website and promotion etc. And so here I am with a name and logo all thanks to CT, brilliant artist. ACT Addiction Counselling and Therapy exists. MW had mentioned an emerald and flawed emeralds being the best. Emerald is my birthstone and suddenly resonated deeply with a connection to my mum. She gave me an emerald ring once. I have it but have never worn it. It has a flawed emerald in it. But the name just didn't sound right. But when Christine and I started working on the name and logo we both liked the idea of an art deco style, the name seemed to come with me fluffing around with words and then suddenly there is was "ACT" and the emerald is incorporated in style into the logo. It remains important even though a couple of people have said they don't like that bit.
And here we are. A bit stuck now!
Oh and then JB offered to lend me the money as I start to really have to put down some costs. Pay CT for her work despite her not wanting any money. She has none so I'm glad to find a way to contribute a little towards her big trip, even though it's a meagre amount. I need to purchase insurance although I've thought why bother when I don't have any clients. At least it's not urgent right at this moment. And I also need to get a CRB check underway. I don't know if I need to register the company or not?? And I need to ask some guidance from an accountant. Not followed through with that yet.
BUT I am a tad stuck. With a heap of study backlog to catch up on and a big essay to start ready for hand in next Tuesday.
From hereon it will be head down and back to using Cow Parsley and Honesty as a half hour to feel and then get back to it.
Which is what I'm going to do now.

Oh and I need a business plan by 7th march to enter the OU competition with cash prizes for new businesses. I need a USP beyond just addiction. I think that is the group work and workshops I want to incorporate into ACT.

Right back to it

Bliss
xx
 

Put the meaning into the experience of life you have

I was given this gift this morning, that I can put the meaning into the experiences I have in life. Wow! It blew me away.
It's in relation to having met a man on a flipping online dating site. I am ashamed to admit this. Funnily enough I had met him online once before. He happens to be in AA and so he turned up at a meeting. I was with RB, I was not in FA at the time so feeling awful about myself and assumed that the twinkle he showed was for her. She is a stunner so why not. I was fat and dowdy in my eyes.
Well today I am attractive. I am comfortable being me.
And so with L sending me texts saying that he'd have me for breakfast and saying he bets I'm looking stunning when I am talking about the stunning last slither of the old moon, with Venus shining brightly at the back, I am now chuckling as D from FA said this is what men do. It's natural they test the water, immediately wanting sex. And all I have to do is be me anyway. I was thinking oh noooo. I was feeling disappointed. I was confused as to whether to join in, ignore his comments and then feel disgusted with him. I just didn't know what to do. D from FA has made it all clear. It's just what he does and all I have to do is be me. So I have sent a text acknowledging what he's said and thanking him even though he doesn't even know me. He's not met the real me of today. So how can he know I look stunning from a photo online? Ha ha ha. I said it's utterly delightful that here I am awwwwing about the moon and he wants to eat me for breakfast. How incredibly funny. I ended the text with a kiss. I hope he gets it.
How free I feel. How unshackled. I do not need to be either ashamed or afraid of liking contact with a man and finding out about him. Be me and see if he is special enough for an us. I do not have to think he's special nor him me. Just if the liaison between us is. And if not. No hard feelings. it's all a bit of fun. It doesn't need to be intense.
So thank you God.


Bliss
XXX

An artists model or just a high?

Well this last couple of days I have decided that I'd like to be an artists model. I Googled it. And yesterday found an artist in Hampshire. He was on an artists chat site. He would be offering £25 for life drawing sessions. THEN ... on my FB page was a post from The Barn in Farnham advertising a life drawing evening class. I read the details and about the artist. I write to him saying that I'd like to model and would he require a novice. He offered me some dates subject to meeting. I went along this evening to an art class that happens each week on a Wednesday. The was the model naked as the day that she was born being drawn by a group of artists. Fab. I am starting a four evening modelling session. I will be dressed in a costume. I am excited. Very excited. I met and chatted with the artists and was able to take a look at their work.
I had a long chat with C the model. She has been doing it for 10 years. Her mother pimped her she said laughing. Having returned from India she was unemployed. Her mother ran a gallery and when someone asked her if she knew of anyone who would do some life modelling she put C forward. C shared some tips. Just be me, Choose a point to look at which in turn helps her ensure her head is in the same position. She said I would probably be nervous but that's okay but most importantly find a comfortable position and enjoy.
So my first session is on 3rd July, then the 5th, 9th and 10th. I will be paid which is great - it's £10 per hour.
I have no idea if I'll be able to sit so perfectly still for the long sit. It's not for the entire 2 1/2 hours. To begin with there are some exercises where I'll be moving about every few minutes. But then there is a point where I settle for the long sit. There is a break and I can say if I am feeling uncomfortable and need to move for a moment.
If I'd been seeing G I wouldn't have been able to do this I am pretty certain. He would not have liked it.
I told A and G this evening and A was wondering why? It's an experience I've never had. To be a part of someones creative process. The artists may not care about that but I do. I may hate. I may not be able to sit for long enough. But I will do my best.

I also did a private hour session - therapy this evening. At the insistence of a guy from AA. I met with his brother. My assessment is that that they have some deep issues between them. Goodness knows what will happen. I made some suggestions to the client. I was very non-specif with the AA guy. And I doubt whether I will hear from them again. We will see. But I charged £50 and the AA guy said he'll make sure he gets it to me.

What an interesting evening.

As if I've got loads of spare time - ha ha ha.

Bliss
 

Volcanoising the monsters

I think the rage is subsiding. Or was it the disbelief of my Auntie O?
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that  but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.


An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to  work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."

Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.

I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)

Bliss
XX

 

Life Without Fear

I like the idea of life without fear. I've known for some time that I'm just living in fear, especially with my dad. I have been perpetually scared. Until 12 Step recovery I hadn't known that I was afraid. I was just trying desperately to get things right so that he would approve. I never could of course. When i was good it wasn't enough or the right kind of good and so then I'd rebel and receive his wrath. He died with that wrath and dislike still in tact. Strongly. The last time I saw him conscious was in the hospital. As usual there wasn't much to speak about. What could have been talked about was his condition and spoken some real truths. But I couldn't and no doubt he wouldn't. The very last thing my dad ever said to me or did to me was in anger and feigning sleep to get rid of me. Bastard! I'm trying to just accept that this is how he wanted things and that's acceptable. of course it is how it is/was but it's hurtful emotionally. All I wanted was some acknowledgement and I suppose I wanted some apology for the past. He would and could never do that of course. And then the final slight of disinheriting me.
With his death I feel relief. As horrible as that may sound to some people, his death means that perhaps there is some freedom now. I may be able to move further away from the fear. Certainly I am feeling a little bit stronger and certainly more aware. I am tired of being beholden because of my fear. I'm so concerned always about getting things wrong and not knowing my opinion. I don't know what is the best thing. I don't know always what I like or dislike. I have a gap between me and me. I am prepared to allow myself to discover now.
Anyway now I no longer have to seek his approval. He's dead! I just see thought the legacy of his attitude towards me throughout my life. And there's a lot to unpick.
I'm realising I'm angry with my mum though. She must have been in such denial. Yet I know she lived in fear of him. I don't know if she overcame it but she certainly did start doing more of the things she wanted. But neither of us were comfortable with visitors. I didn't help. I would also hate the intrusion of people in the end. But I was slouching home for a comfort weekend often and didn't want others there. Plus of course it was always hassle because my dad was so moody beforehand and then not at ease in his skin when people were there. I would be either belittled publicly or have to get things right etc. It was all so tense. My mum would insist though in the end. Good for her.
But she must have known more than me what a twat my dad was. All the lies and his foul behaviour.

So it is a nice feeling that I might be able to work towards a life without fear. It probably will not ever leave me completely but I have a chance to get some freedom. I have experienced the freedom from the food and as I step back into Step one, I really do know that the fear has utter control over me and with it comes a lot of unmanagability - lies, secrets, manipulation, demands, insecurity, anxiety, gossip, resentment, rebellion, self-hatred, negativity, jealousy, despondency, inertia, isolation. And so on. Not a way to live
I feel a sense of needing to fly from here. I keep looking out and as beautiful as the area is it just doesn't look beautiful to me at the moment. My fear of going is the financial insecurity. I would like to simply trust and go with the flow. I don't need to live to a ripe old age and some of my fear is health. I'm thinking of India and Far East you see. I feel a loyalty to PD with the business  but with a week like this past week I am too afraid really. You see fear is everywhere within me.
Please Universe, please show me how to trust the belief in you that I have. Show me how to step from this fear into being the adventurer on a grander scale than the life I've been leading. I want to be out there. I feel trapped and have done so for my entire life. My dad is dead now. Help me to live the person who is inside of me.
Thank you Universe
Bliss
XX
 

Fiery Rage

Last night I didn't know what to do with my fury. This morning I feel calm and relieved.
One moment I felt numb and wondered what all the drama was about and the next I was raging and stomring both mentally and physically. These ewere emotions I would once have driven at dangerously fast speeds into London grabbing any friend I could convnice to "party" with me. I would drink and rug and flirt dangrously with a man or men never rally knowing what might happen. I had no other way of venting and didn't even lknow then that I was raging.
Last night I thought about that or food or anything to get away from the enormity of the feelings.
What had happened? Well With great courage I called T to say that I'd like to visit my dad the next day. I was fearful and hesitated several times before being able to find the courage to call. Afraid of a reaction and then that becoming a big deal and upsetting my dad who is bloody well dying. Sure enoug she sounded sramatic, lots of gasps of air and sigs. Saying Please Pamela not tomorrow. I was shocked and said OK. I was angry but acceptant. But then her daughter D called and explained that my dad had quite a horrible return to the house just that afternoon. Of course this morning I can understand more clearly that T is probably realising that he is actually dying when she sounded before to be in completel denial, saying that he was perking up and when he got home all would be well. NOw she has all this equipment everywhere, a hospital bed downstaiors and strange nurses will be coming and going. He is very very unwell. So I understand the need to adjust. But at the same time she is quite mean wanting to keep me out of the loop and not visit.
D explained that my dad is not eating or drinking again and is in quite a lot of discomfort. Perhaps today he may feel more settled, who knows. But D suh=ggested I definitely visit whatever her mother says. I think people know what T is like. I WILL visit whether she and he want or not. I will not stay long and I won't cause a fuss. I will do my hurting outside of their presence. A I do not wat to give them any more fodder for their unjyust feelings towards me. I an understand that T has probably been fed with all sorts of negativity about me. B I want to be as gracious as I can be.
G is not the person to share my anger with  but I can hopefully share my hurt and the sorrow I feel as I see my pitiful father.
I am abstinent with my food. Drink is a passing thought of course. But destructive thoughts are still very powerful. I did none of these things. I texted furiously to a small number of trusted friends. None of whom tried to fix but could hear my emotions and gave beuatiful suggestions back
I distracted through FB for a while when I had considered breifly a spell on SL. Now that's destructive for me.
I texted a few unnecessaries as well but that's okay. It wasn't risque texts - straight talking.
And then I went to sleep. I woke int he early hours but this is happening as per a pattern recently. I am clumsier than usual too and forgetful, not really seeing things clearly. I think this is a mix of hormonal shifts as well as the worries ad sadness and death of my dad.
I am furious of course that she T will inherit anything at all that was my mums. And in turn her duaghters will inherit. They are benefitting because of my mum. How fucking unjust!!
I have to let go. I just have to find acceptance about this.

So amazing. I was aware. I didn;t want to fuel the rage as I think G would have me do. He is so pent up with his own rages that he cannot see why i wouldn't want to be myself. He wants to use that rage to make his point and get justice. It doesn't work that way for me. I want to step away from the rage. Show up and make my point with grace and love in my heart. It is unjust but it will not be any better by screaming and shouting. I might get my way but with bad feelings all round. That is not winning.
I really believe this more and more and can challenge the idea that I'm neing walked all over. I am not. I can scream and shout. I have in the past but this is a choice not to. Instead it means that others seem as if they get their way. They do and it can seem unfair but I can learn to be gracious and trust that justice is done at a higher level than I can ever understand.
I love and trust this is correct for me.
Thank you Universe and thank you for all the wonderful people in my life today and every day so far of my life.
Bliss
XXX

Extraordinary, sublime and divine me

Does that sound extravagant and arrogant?
I think not. And by being so it does not mean that every other person isn't. Each of us are. We just need to take a peek to see that part of us without forgetting that others are too. This is surely the path that joins worthlessness with arrogance?
The Universe offered to remove the veil briefly for me to see this part of me. If I can see it in me then I can see it in others. And that's the marvel. Thank you Universe, thank you God.

And thank you God for getting my accreditation to a nearly completed first draft. From here it should be much easier to get it completed. I might have to apply a day to it. And then 2 whole days to catching up with my studies.
I feel a light at the end of the tunnel that has been distant and even around a corner so as to be unseen.
I attended my driver awareness training an wish to be more present when driving and careful. I have booked my car service and organised the borrowing of JB's car. He's so generous and helpful.
I have let PD know about the conversation at work regarding referrals. I was uncomfortable with my fear-filled response to L. And handed it back to her to speak with PD but I wanted him to know the situation beforehand.
I have started clearing away a few things in the lounge. I have booked a haircut at last.
I will call my dad later this evening between the end of groups and Aftercare.

Yes things are getting there..... and I can claim my life as B said this morning.
I know that I can be worthy of choosing the right people in my life. I am not sure yet how this bodes with friends I have. There is no reason for my friendship to lessen but I don't need to pander to the friendships in the areas that they don't meet. I like the people nonetheless. I don't feel quite so needy that's all.

There is of course more to write about all of this but for today I am feeling at ease with myself and all the issues that I am faced with.
They have not gone away - concern for my dad, sadness about our relationship, concern about finances and how to afford everything I want to do yet knowing I can adjust things to afford what I need. I have concerns for AB, she is more paranoid and less active. She is drinking heavily. I find it so sad to see it all going to pot. Oddly enough with RB gathering weight so is AB. She lost masses when RB was losing. It's such a dysfunctional dynamic.
I have pain in my side. Apparently it could be sciatica. no doctor has considered that or mentioned it before. Interesting. I think it has to be something much more deadly to be worthwhile.

So I shall continue doing some preparation study - already some way behind the schedule

Bliss
XX

Moral laws

Submit to the moral laws of honesty, purity, unselfishness and love or you will be broken. Disaster is a surety if you are dishonest, impure, selfish and unloving. You will suffer the consequences.
Through dishonesty I always suffer the consequences of disquiet and fear. When selfish it just feels painful because I am only worried about what is happening to me. The focus is on me and what's lacking or what's wrong. I can counter this with gratitude and drop the selfishness, consider other people. And as for impurity, well this could be related to the deceit of not telling people what I'm doing for the purpose of hiding to ensure I get what I want. What is impurity of it isn't the other things already mentioned here? Manipulation is dishonesty, liking people for who they are or what they can offer is dishonest. Is this impurity? I'm not sure about impurity because all of the others strike me as impurity.
This morning I had another cry. Yesterday my dad phoned me. He is still in hospital. He didn't want to go into any detail. He said he had cellulitis. I looked this up and it can be serious but is it that for my dad? It's just hard to know what the truth is with him. Is he dramatising things because it can't be mediocre with him or is he hiding the seriousness? To keep me away? To protect me? What is it?
I am scared that something might happen I won't have seen him alive for months. I feel so very, very sad at this thought and the thought of all the years in angst with him. Keeping me away. All the years of his angst with me driving me away. It's all so futile in the light of mortality, of pending death. God, what is it all about, really? Please can you guide me God. I want to go an visit him because I care and he matters despite all of our differences. I am trying to respect his wishes. He doesn't like being fussed over in his hospital bed. I can understand that. It's demeaning for him. He does not think about others and why should he. I'm trying to consider him. But bloody hell it hurts to be kept away and I am so so scared. It makes it worse not really knowing the full extent of his situation. And he says T is getting worse. Is she? Or is he dramatising that? What is the truth God. I just have to take it at face value. And wait and see. I wonder if Nina knows. I wonder if I should call her? God what do you want me to do here?
I have a lot of forgiveness for him. I hope that he knows this. I hope that he knows I love him too. If he calls again I will tell him. Why didn't I tell him yesterday? I didn't because it leaves me vulnerable and sad and hurt. I am crying as I write this.
All day yesterday I was wanting something. What I really want is my dad. And that I can't have and I don't think I've had since I was a little girl. Even then it was corrupted. I think he really did love me though. I don't know if he loves me now or if it's a duty thing. I love him and still want him to love me. Gosh! It hurts.
I absolutely link this wanting to be wanted by him with wanting to be wanted by men in general. It would make me feel as if I'm an OK person. And yet it really doesn't. It turns into something so horrible. I wonder if I can ever get beyond that? I would only want to be with someone now who can live by the spiritual and moral laws and honour me within that and for me to be able to honour them. I don't want it any other way. Anything else is too painful and I do not want to be that person.
I think the path is narrowing and narrowing. My feelings around my friends are altering. It's hard staying me amidst them which is hurtful to realise.
Wow! I've just said to an FAer that called that I don't really need feedback. She wanted to give it to me anyway ad I said I know I know E and tight now I'm just feeling and that's OK. I have a lot of understanding.
I am very scared that my dad will die without me having seen him. And already having verbalised that a couple of times it already feels a little easier to say. It is a possibility that just a few moments ago I didn't want to be true. I want it to be changed and different. Things are as they are.
It is tragically sad that there is so much unloving amidst humans. We are here for such a short time together and then we die and all the angst was pointless. Dad I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I'm sorry for so much. I hope you know that I forgive all the confusion and messiness. I hope you know I have at least some understanding. I hope you know that I wish you nothing but a peaceful heart.


Unmanageability -
things I didn't intend doing but ended up doing
things I intended doing and didn't do

Step 12 can be a look at the subtle differences between selfishness and unselfishness, honesty and dishonesty, purity and impurity, control and letting go, jealousy and envy,

Yes all these things that I wonder the meaning and the middle road.

A lot of people in 12 Step recovery talk about events in their childhood that have been difficult. The Jesuits said "show me the child at 7 years old and I'll show you the man"
Is that really what the saying is? It makes sense. I think if we can see the influences on the child at that age then we can start to see what might emerge as they move through into adulthood. The teenage years will probably give even more insight as there could by chance be some other influence at another very sensitive age.
As discussed with G this morning, I do not believe that nature exists without nurture and vice versa. G seems to feel strongly that he is not born with the "disease" of addiction. Whether it is a disease or not is still out with the jury. It is something we humans seem to have in an increasing number of people I would say. It's a little like anything, such as Cancer, heart weaknesses, depression, anything, there could be a predisposition towards all of these things and then something in the environment could be the trigger. This is not certain so far but evidence can suggest that this is likely. Equally there is evidence that questions the theory. There are some conditions that are most certainly genetic, i.e hereditary and as such that meas that anything could be. Maybe this is what the Buddhists were interpreting from long ago that actually we have all lived before our lies and bring with us the legacy of our genetics and family history. perhaps environmental circumstances would strengthen the hold of the genetic lineage. Who really knows? The fact is that here I am with this "illness". The evidence shows that I've got it through the consequences and inability to stop, especially for me with my food.
Baltasar Gracian a Spanish Jesuit in the early 1600's, (Jesuit meaning men of a particular order who took on extreme orders to follow their faith) allegedly made this comment.
There are two ways I can take this. One is to give the child over and hen they can be shaped. Or let me see the child and the ways in which they are living and he future is predictable for them. Is it that predictable though? Other things can happen along they way that could influence the later outcomes and indeed things can happen in this moment of adulthood that can alter the direction again. Fundamentally there is a cert personality that i guess remains fairly consistent. A great area of study that I didn't really appreciate when I did study. it. Fascinating.
Now I need a wee wee ad then a stroll with LouLou I think. I feel sleepy so I do not feel inclined to go visiting C in Winchester or anyone else. I was thinking cinema and was considering contacting M but then it's a journey and petrol and expense. I can't afford it. I wish I could do 20mins of my accreditation document. why can't I get on with it?
I am feeling sleepy. It will be nice to just laze again. I did that yesterday too. I don't think I went to bed so late either. So it's surprising.
I must phone C and say I won't be over and A too. Or maybe I should make the effort for at least a walk. OK lets see what she's up to.

Lot's of ideas jotted down here and probably in random directions. I'd also like to do some more writing. I have this idea of a short story but don't where it's going. So perhaps if I used the OU course I could do some of that this afternoon. That's what I'd really like to do so I'm going to. After all next week my course starts. And really I should be getting my desk read for that. It's a mess in my flat. I just want all the bits gone but then I want them again at some stage in the future. I need a shelving unit in the cupboard to be able to store all the little things in plastic boxes for easy access.
I need a lot of organising.

Bliss
XX



 

The colour virtue

Darn it! I wrote out here in this very page the extent of my anger. And blow me over with a feather the flipping thing crashed temporarily and all of my words have gone. Gone into the ether. And what's left? No anger. It's passed. It was in relation to spending time this evening with someone so very dear to me who in my opinion is in the very pits of this disease of addiction. Right now I feel sad to the point of tears, which is the next phase. I was so relieved I picked up the phone to SS and roared my anger out to her knowing that she could hold it and not try to fix it. She related and understood this horrible feeling of powerless. I cannot do a thing to help as hard as I try with talk and ideas and love. It just doesn't get through. And that's so tragic. I will not abandon her which is what people have said to do. I did in the early days of recovery from alcohol but the renewal of the friendship was always essential. A sad waste of someone so talented and clever. Please God I pray for A.
Thank you God for my awareness and for showing me how to do this differently. I knew I needed to speak to someone and to speak to someone impartially was just what I needed.
And also with L today. That was the other thing I had been writing about vigorously. I came across L talking to F (HD). I heard her say "this morning" and "she". As I was the only one in with her this monring I started thinking all sorts of things she was saying that would be lies. Thank goodness I didn;t do what I wanted to do and that was to listen in. After all there I was yesterday saying to a client about the self inflicted torture because he is reading texts and online messages that are truth but hurtful. It's none of my business. And what I did have was God. I asked God for help. I put my turst in God that whatever was being said, I would be OK. It's pride. Me wanting people to think well of me and the injustice of someone lying about me and disparaging my good name. Especially as here I am maing big changes. I need to start saying good things only about her. I need to stop doing that to her. It's a horrid feeling. I've known it before. The fear of being defamed and often with someone else's issues leading the defamation. Treat others as I would like to be treated myself.
Thank you God for guiding me. I feel better about myself too so thank you God for that too.
And this evening I feel very honoured that a friend was able to share a little of themselves. I know it's nothing to do with me but to be present at the moment that person was able to verbalise some deep truths and put trust in being heard - well I am blown away. Thank you God for guiding that person and I pray for them. I know the changes that are taking place in me are just beginnings and there for his taking to.
Thank you God for so much and everything. I pray for more of course - well I am an addict after all. ;)

It's bedtime despite the colour virtue not being finished. I want to continue watching the WHITE programme. I found the BLUE programme fascinating. I will need to watch the GOLD programme as I skimped it. Colour will be talked about by Stephen Fry too on Radio 4. Sometimes wotk just gets int he way. Thank you God for iPlayer. Convenient.

Nighty night and thanks for the release from anger and the amusing way of taking it right away. Gone, for tonight.
oh thank you God for keeping me abstinent today. Amazing, truly!!

Bliss
xx

ps - some more darn it's. I've had a few hot flushes over the past few days. Today they were bigger than yesterday. I hope this doesn't mean they are coming back along with a whole host of other symptoms. Tedious and horrible. I thought I was done and dusted with that!! Poop!

White may be the darkest colour of them all? The purest colour became tainted.
White came to symbolise an enlightened world. But was used to divide and control and then finally to conquer.......

25 Sep 1938 - The Director of the British Museum was on his rounds - but unbeknownst to him an incident was taking place in the basement. Cleaning was taking place of some objects, some of the most prized possessions, the Elgin Marbles.
A number of sculptures. They were once painted in rich colours that had washed away. But at one point we were convinced they had always been wither and were being made whiter than ever before.
The Director put a stop to the cleaning - the culprit - Joseph Devene. He thought the marbles were too brown and believed they should be white. This action had not been approved by the Museum.

The intrigue of white = why was Devene so desperate that the sculptures should be white and so white. The Greek sculptors when to lengths to painting away the white.
Planting white at the centre of European culture was Johann Joaquin Winkelmann, born in 1717 in eastern Germany. He was an intellectual and wanting to set foot in the cosmopolitan areas.
He arrived in Dresden and discovered
He found a store of ancient white statues in all shaped and sizes. There were plenty for hm to feat his eyes on and of the most wonderful. He there and then dedicated his life to persuade others of the beauty.
in 1755 he found a city littered with white columns and so on from ages past. He started recording all the marble he found. The Belvedere Torso and others.
His records got him noticed by the Vatican. He set eyes on the Apollo Belvedere. A copy of which in in Soanes house. This one in the Vatican was believed to be a copy of a Greek original carved in about 300BC


What's truly surprising apart from being the most beautiful man, is it's whiteness. This sculpture shows how sophisticated the ancient Greeks really were.
White symbolised health, simplicity, reason and more.
He celebrated the whiteness of this art.
We should feel indebted by Winkelmann for inspiring the future.
Whiteness is purity. Winklemann's dream of filling the world with this purest antiquity.
An elegant building - home of Britain's most famous potter. Wedgwood. A giant of the enlightenment
He was the grandfather of Charles Darwin - wow
He was a Winkelmann disciple sharing a love for white antiquity.
Voltaire the philosopher, Joseph Banks, botanist,
Wedgwood was determined to bring the sculptor to the edge of comfort an then let them go.
His family were unperturbed and yet I don't see any activity

It was very difficult to reproduce a paint that getting to a white glaze was a constant disappointment for M.
The first great white glaze ....
He turned out a seres of beautiful whits pots.

Neoclassical consists of flutes and columns. As well as available space. I could not imagine anyone coming here!!!!

White had conquered Europe through Winkelmann.
Mid 18th century - a transformation about the way we view white and art.
1859 a  young man married on out shoes - please can you cover today for me

Think like a Lady

Can you believe this? I have registered for Lady Magazine to look at the classified ads and see if there are any suitable positions. Looking after people or houses. What I am really hoping for is that PD's efforts will come off and we can have a lot of fun. I know he will be fair and flexible to work for. What I hope for God is that I won't take advantage of that. I want to be good fair and honest back. I know I can want too much.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on  daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX

ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.

Bath to Abergavenny

I AM so relaxed. I AM in the right place today. Can you believe it? The sun is shining this morning. So far we have been pretty lucky with the sun the being out occasionally. Amazingly so when packing up the care from the yurt. It had rained all through the night. I wished I had recorded the sound on the canvas. I will post any photos I have once I get home as I've forgotten the connecting cable. Oh I may be able to download from the disk. I'll try later.
Things I've noticed is how I react to T needing to do things for herself, there and then! Whatever anyone else is doing. My first thought is that she is thoughtless of others and selfish. But in reality she just wants to d what she wants to do. Of course I realise there are times when she hasn't heard or understood everything that's been said and I get a little arsey. I am keeping my mouth closed. And this is where I'm not so clear yet where the balance for me is. When do I keep my mouth closed and when do I say where something is actually inappropriate. Like the incident with L and the stapler. Have I written about that?
Well on Friday at work ... yes work is still on my mind but already changing .. I was sitting on the computer writing my notes. L had already been having a "bad" day. S and I had returned from the Process Group to listen to her troubles, she even cried. L appears very stressed. We tried to encourage her to go home as she was also talking about ill she has been feeling, etc, etc. I suggested she took an hour out just to have a break. No, no, no. I recognised myself. All the problems in the world but wanting to stay I the problems and huff and puff. Interesting because I often think it's because no one is hearing me so I have to insist and even exaggerate the problem. But it's me. It's anger I suspect and a need for attention of some sort even. That's what it seemed like. Just lots of huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning but not wanting to take any of the good suggestions S and I had for her. Anyway, it was after all of that I started working on the comp and stepped aside. I had already realised the futility of suggestions and it was starting to seem as if we were being sucked in by even making different suggestions, one after another. So I had my back to the scenario and quietened. We had been criticised of course for the way we had done group. But L is having to step aside from the clinical work simply because she really has so much of her own work to do. And staying to 10 or 11 each evening its taking it's toll. She seems to me to burning herself out. Anyway, distraction, distraction. I had my back to the office when L said "I want to throw something". There was a tone in her voice that was jokey. Or so I thought. Maybe it was actually destructive, I can't be sure but in the next instant she said, "like this" and suddenly there was a loud BANG! as she had thrown a metal stapler across the room with such voracity that it really banged against the cupboard door next to me. S was shouting and said she was leaving the office. It interested me that despite this I carried on. As if it would all go away if I just stayed still and acted as if I was affected. It was so inappropriate. I wanted to say "now that's inappropriate". It was!
I wonder if it was light-hearted and wanting to express her frustrations and not vicious. Although I do see a vicious side to her. It was difficult to read. I think she has ideas that she thinks would be clever to act out on but I am relating to that to me. It's as if I have an idea and because I think it's funny or wild then others will too. Often there has been impropriety in my behaviour and I've been quite ashamed of my behaviour then. I was interested in my reaction. As the impact of it hit me afterwards and then spent days telling people over and over again. And emphasising how crazy I thought her behaviour was. I seemed to need it as a vindication of my own thoughts about her. A real example of how dreadful she can be. I don't mean to neglect the generosity of L and how she has introduced some great ideas and her frankness with family members involved with the addicts. It's as if she's furious with the addicts unless she can take them under her wing and influence them. I so disagree with that you see. Wanting to control.
Anyway surely this is out of my system. It is really because I feel as if I'm writing it purely for the fact it needs to be noted as a point of something that happened and not because I am working through it anymore. I'm bored of it. Just to finish though, lots of people I've recounted the event to have strongly suggested I should report it. Well I'm on holiday and S had said that she would probably report it. I would back her up 100 per cent but it's actually good for me to stand back and not be the hero of the day or the saviour of the team. It was wrong, that was clear from S's and everyone elses reaction. I wasn't sure of that. I don't want to over react and I'm not sure of that boundary within me as I can be over dramatic (histrionic would be the psychiatric label given to me) so stepping aside and observing has already been useful in seeing this unknown in me.
So Sunday morning came. T seemed to have misunderstood the intended collection time at the station.A part of me wondered if this was her stubbornness. I think I identify that. She just does it her way regardless without talking about what she thinks and feels. And probably my suspicion is aroused by something about the way I can respond to things I don't like so much. Anyway they arrived and once we have managed to get everything squidged into the mini, off we set towards Bath. We arrived in good time to sit in Holbourne House car park and eat our lunches. We had all prepared them in our little boxes. And then into Holbourne House. M and I walked about and commented on the portrait sculptures. T was in pain, something she's been experiencing more and more in her thigh. So she took herself off without having really engaged with the exhibition. She had commented already that she isn't so interested in portraits.
I enjoyed it. Again things I've never considered before were highlighted to me. There were ancient pieces from Greece and Rome, there was a waxwork of Henry Moore. I found this quite sad really as in his own work he had been sculpting portraits but the article there was commenting on the fact that he seemed to veer away from precise reconstructions of a person or body, instead creating a representative form. And yet here he was, precisely recreated in wax. It was eerie and to be able to get close up to the wax work was interesting.
Back to T taking herself off to sit. It was good for me not to succumb to that. I have a sort of irritation when someone is unwell and not wanting to do something, as if they are controlling me somehow. Getting their own way without actually saying they don't want to do this or that. It is difficult to read T for me. perhaps I just need to ask more questions. For instance just this moment I said I hope you don't think me rude but I'm just doing my writing before I take a shower. Her reaction was to simply ask a question about it. But she has got herself a magazine and sitting eating her breakfast silently reading and I think she must be fed up with me/us both doing something quietly to ourselves.
Gosh I over think things. I think .... we're on holiday I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to record the events of the last few days as I recall them because it changes as time passes.
So after the gallery we set off to the campsite. The yurt was pleasantly large and OK. There were snails and spiders. Yuch! And it was flipping cold. We dumped some of ur bedding things in there and after a short while headed back into Bath in search of methylated spirits for M's burner and gas for my little stove. We found neither but in the end we did what? We.......... uhmmmm. Memory blank. Oh yes we returned to Bath and did a torchlit tour of the Roman baths. It was very interesting. I remember visiting many years ago and not really engaging with the whole thing. The age of it, the reality of it. Here we were standing amongst structures that were over 2000 years old. The Romans had discovered this natural hot spring and turned it into something to indulge their self care and pleasure. It was quite incredible. I guess they built the structures and then channelled the waters. The taste of it was pleasant but not either.
I realise I can look at many things without actually taking in the full meaning it has. When in Egypt I did get myself transported back 4000 years and I attempted to do that whilst in the Roman baths. Try to make it come to live as it was. It was difficult because I didn't want to share that with the other two in case they thought thoughts about. And also the way it's been restructured for the sake of tourism is a killer of the reality. However, I could see some of it without the need for the corny films. Listening to Bill Bryson's commentary was reasonably useful although again I realised I didn't listen to the content just the sound because I thought I should. How strange I can be.
Back to the yurt, we lit a camp fire. I was very, very dozy. When did we eat our dinners. I can't remember now. I think we may have eaten it before the torchlit (rather over hyped and under phenomenal) tour through the baths.
I fell asleep in front of the fire. The air bed I'd invested in was worth it. T and I shared. I did get cold and woke up a lot through the night, trying to wrap myself deeper into my sleeping bag. Eeeek the thought of slugs and spiders and beetles and snails was appalling. I'm ever so glad I didn't need to walk to the loos. Although often my reason for that is that they are not very nice to be in. The facilities at this camp were in fact very good. It was rustic and natural and woody. I liked it.
Monday - M's birthday. I got the pressies from the car. M deliberated and delayed and chatted. It seemed anything other than open her pressies. She did say that she felt embarrassed and liked opening her presents on her own. I remembered that she has said before that her face shows her disappointment. So what? Isn't that the truth. It's something to be grateful for that people give gifts but it doesn't mean the gift has to be liked. I had bought her something she had asked for and a little notebook that was not cheap but not supposed to be a wow type present. I have also bought a canvas of street art connected with the Olympics. A sort of maker of her 43rd birthday in the year of the Olympics. Oh the book she'd asked for was sort of a graduation and birthday all in one. I hope it will assist M achieve her dreams of being a writer and filmmaker etc. She wants to create. I believe she has it in her to do and gradually see her getting there. Yes I am a little jealous. I want it for her more than anything, for her to achieve her dreams and I pray for that for her. I would want something lovely for myself but I want so many different thins, I'm too diverse in a way. I see that I'm interested in so many things, I can diversify which in itself is good. There isn't enough time in the world though to pursue my interests the the degree I am interested. I get quite intense and only then feel satisfied that I am learning and growing in the interest. Interesting ha ha ha ha!
We had lunch for M's birthday at the Pump Room, attached to the Roman Baths and the room built in the 1700's for people to receive the waters, believed to be healing of course. But people were dissatisfied with the facilities because nothing was there for the time when the water started to work i.e. toilets as the emptying process began. I took two cups of the water the evening before and aside from feeling a very soft mouth, I don't think it helped in any emptying out for me.
So after lunch we walked around Bath Abbey. Beautiful. We had found a fantastic book shop. M saw a book created by Ron can't remember his surname, but she knows him very well. M talks about lots of her contacts as she visits places. Sometimes I am jealous but I am beginning to adjust my thoughts. This is her background and her reasons for mentioning these things I don't know but can often result in the person talking with us about other interesting things and leads on to more and more. I rarely do that as it feels as if there is some boasting going on from me. I think I've often thought my mum and dad were boasting. I know my dad hated my mum striking up any conversations or connections. All peculiar. I keep things to myself. Where is the fine line of balance? I am still questioning all of this.
Anyway we left Bath and travelled probably less than an hour to Abergavenny. After shopping for food provisions we arrived in Hen-ty. It's a lovely cottage. Spacious and charming. Part of an old farm, the husband's family farm. It's warm with the wood burner burning. It's very livable. I like the fact that I don't have my clutter around me and so it's clean and tidy. I need to de-clutter. But then there are things to have and to keep. I see things for sale now that I've actually de-cluttered int he past and they are worthy. I feel bereft often when I think of things I've given away or thrown away. Now they are collectibles and appreciated. I liked them but didn't value them.
After a Tarot reading for T in which I see a struggle and wanting things her way, I dozed in front of the wood burner and the voices of T and M fading into the distance. I literally crawled to bed I was so tired. And for the first time in a while I felt warm.
There was one thing that was dubious about my food. As I hadn't had my yoghurt at lunchtime I had it in the evening and with lots of pear even though I was cutting away lots of bruised and horrible bits. It was probably more than one pear. Right now I am not inclined to tell my sponsor. Why? Because I don't want to go back to day 1 of 90. I don't think it's necessary. I certainly realised the absolute importance of not being influenced by other people partly doing the programme of FA. The belligerence in a way is how I see it. Someone who disrespects rules. It's not even being wild and carefree it's arrogance. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else is doing. I know this food programme is working for me.
I feel the right size to be able to allow myself to be on holiday. That may mean nothing to anyone else. But I do feel as if I'm in the right body. I an wear my clothes comfortably and with ease. All I have to do is eat my abstinent food and keep the addict in me from the desires. Those desires are my limitations for sure.
Oh I missed my AWOL. I made that decisions and even though I was scared of being judged by B, I told her I made that decision. I already had before we left for Bath on Sunday. I was glad t get honest about that.
So off the shower ready for the day ahead. Tomorrow I need to make my call whilst out walking int eh morning glory. I hope it is morning glory but M will lend me her key sot hat I can sit in the car if it's raining. Then I can be freer to say what's actually on my mind.
Mind ramblings from a holiday trip with friends even when I have unfriendly judgemental thoughts.

Bliss
XX
  

A Question of honesty

It was raised some time ago when I was considering a change in my job position, how honest it really was not to tell them that I hoped to be taking another position towards the end of the year. This person said they could not take on a position without being that honest. At the time it sort of threw me. At first I was angry thinking that is so naive and not to be so silly. No one in their right mind would risk not getting a job by telling them I wouldn't plan on being there beyond the end of the year. However, talking more about this with others I am not sure that I made it clear that the other job wasn't secured, it was speculation and hope at this stage. And therefore with nothing confirmed there is nothing certain and so it would not be in best interests to say that this was hoped for. It was a plan dependant on ,many things including the job actually being there.
However the question of honesty keeps arising. In January I told a lie. It's not the only lie. After all I am stealing off the Internet on a daily basis. This is not honest and unaddressed at this stage except it';s playing on my mind. If I want recovery I need to get rigorously honest. It comes to bite me on the bum - I was taking cutlery from work. It was for the purpose of wanting my meals but I wasn't returning it. I've returned it now. Eek it's making me squirm, all this making public my dishonesty. And also I have taken some books from work. I haven't returned them and do not feel inclined to do so. However, having written this I now know I need to return them and if I want them that badly order them for myself or ask if I can have a copy. I want them and throughout my life when I want something I have just taken it. Yuch yuch yuch!!
Anyway I had a lesson to learn about honesty - yet again. It's also about taking responsibility and being able to be humble.
It was a day when L and S were arguing, S was insistent that we needed sessional cover. I actually didn't agree but because L was arguing against S I jumped into the argument, taking up S's cause (who backed off probably with the vigour of my anger and argument). So we got cover. But when the sessional came in he went and questioned it with the manager who came into the office and asked me why we had cover and I said "I don't know". L raised her shock when she learnt about this and I can see in hindsight how disappointed she was that actually I simply got her into trouble. Several times she raised the matter giving me the opportunity to own what I did and explain why. Well the other day it came up again. Having spoken with my sponsor about the lie and the shame that I was feeling because of it my sponsor really helped.
Firstly she congratulated me on my humility. And it was apparent that my "illness" or mental thinking was awry and the fear was so great that I decided to lie to try and avoid whatever it was I was afraid of. Lots of things were the fears and on many levels. I wanted to protect S as I do not want her to leave. I was afraid that P would think me ridiculous wanting cover when we really didn't need it. It was easier it seemed to lie to protect these fears. And yet it caused L huge disappointment and distrust in me. So my sponsor helped me to take ownership despite the embarrassment which can be very easily confused as it overlies humility.
I went in the next days - just a couple of weeks ago now and said
"thank you for the conversation yesterday. It gave me a lot of insight and a lot to think about. And you're right. I did lie and for that I truly apologise. I realise that it was fear." I added that I had seen the process and there was no need for me to go into that. And I also said that I know that a verbal apology is not enough and that she would have to experience my loyalty and responsibility through my actions.
L said that it was such a relief to her. She knew that she could no trust me and also that she wasn't going mad.
Gosh I have to watch my fear and what I do with it. The fear is to be acknowledged and embraced then step aside from it. Go forth with courage and be myself not the fear or the lie.
I do it a lot. Rather than be myself I will lie to try and keep everyone happy but all it does is create more problems.
Well I say that I lie - it can happen but I do not lie all the time. Gosh there's a need to be gentle with myself. I am not a liar just because I have told a lie here and there. That's what happens. People label and it's shaming. We are all capable of lying and most probably do so many many times in a day. When someone asks how you are feeling and you say alright it may not be a lie but it probably isn't the whole truth. If someone says you do this - OK? And you are not but say yes - that's a lie.
Yes there are lies at different degrees and impact at different levels. However they are lies nonetheless. That doesn't mean you are a liar. It does mean that becoming aware of it there is a chance to change.
Please God give me the courage to face my fears and act honestly and with humility. I am grateful for the awareness and want to be of good service to people.
pages 8-10 of The Little Red book talk about the aids to contented sobriety and that these are vital ...
humility, honesty, faith, courage, gratitude and service.
I am not honest about the downloading and it is not sitting comfortably. And yet I am also unwilling to let go of it. God please help me to become willing. I have every faith that you will help me and that in it's place I will find other ways that are decent and honest to access in formation - gosh the immediacy with which I require things is immense. What is this about God? Please reveal me to me. And help me to get honest and decent about this.
I need the courage to be honest about such things and show my humility. To embrace the squirming feeling of embarrassment and the courage to do that anyway. And in this way I can see all of things are a service to others. Service is not just in doing things like stacking chairs at a meeting or calling newcomers. Service is in treating people with respect and dignity. So for example by being able to be humble and honest with my sponsor shows my faith in her, respect for the programme and for her too. I can trust her. I know she'll tell me to knock it on the head. I do not need to speak to her about it to know what I need to do. I just need the willingness to tell her where I am at with this. It's the honesty.
She may say that she can't sponsor me until or unless I do stop.
Oh and there is the phone on Sundays. I am putting it on loud speaker because my phone is broken and I can't actually afford a new one. However I would afford to go to London rather than get a new phone to be honest. I do feel guilty as one of the perpetrators of not following the requirements. I need to get honest by changing this behaviour. Please God help me to be willing to do this please.
Perhaps Lidl will have a cheap phone with an answer machine. It doesn't need to be anything special.

What else? I think that's all I know of right now. Oh I do want to ask the question about mixing foods in my plastic box. Mind you B has seen my food so it's not as if I'm covering anything up and it was only mentioned yesterday that it would be considered not clean. I will try to remember to ask B her thoughts on this. I put things in layers into the box and on my plate serve them separated. Apart from the rice - I mix that up and the yoghurt with my fruit.
Interesting.

I am learning little by little. Sometimes it seems over rigorous. But I want my abstinence to be clean clean clean.
I will do whatever it takes. Will I forego though some things for my own gratification. Yes like not asking to use a landline when I was in Spain and then having to use my mobile the week later as I couldn't get through on my own landline. Phew I can make things complicated so quickly and easily.
I will mention about thinking about Secondlife. I will mention about the mix of foods. I will mention about the downloading. I will mention about the phone to someone else - God? Help me please ad thank You for always being there to show me the way. I faith that you will and I know that things get to me through my conscience if I don't - I know this is about living the way You would want me to otherwise I wouldn't feel those squirms. You talk through me in many ways. Thank You.
OK I will get on my knees now as suggested. And rather than humiliation rejoice in the humility of making this a practise of prayer.
Thank You God for another abstinent day yesterday and for the gratitude I found in many things - people, places and situations. Not least fellowship, facing fear with courage and creativity, gratitude itself, peoples shares, a clean food plan, a London meeting I can get to every so often. And time with friends in the evening and two interesting radio programmes to listen to. A sleepy LouLou and good food.
Also feeling I am good enough to go into private galleries and see wonderful pieces of art.
Thank You God

Bliss
XX

The Myth of Sisyphus

He is not poor in health who is great in soul - Albert Camus

What did I notice about me today. Well in comparison with yesterday I was feeling much more comfortable doing my style of therapy. Yesterday and even this morning I was wondering what I thought I was doing?? What the hell do I know? How can I sit and be a therapist? People come along, they talk about the things they want to talk about, I summarise and paraphrase and at times question or suggest. T for example wants to reject every idea and yet comes to me to ask if he can do this or do that? I asked him about asking permission. He didn't own it, he side-tracked it completely. He is certainly not very present or aware of the here and now. He doesn't want to go anywhere near emotions apart from as an intellectual exercise.
I wonder if he would be an ideal candidate for day care with PD. I will pose the question to him.
Oh well anyway, you know the kind of thing.
I went to therapy to get someone else to sort out my life. But that isn't really what happened. I got more information about myself. I got some understanding. That's what helped me to sort out y own life - well to some degree. It's not sorted, it's unravelling. And will be until death to us part - me from life. But the support helps me to manage on a daily basis. I remove addictive behaviours an then I'm left with the feelings and then what. Just get on with it. But sometimes I can't just anything. What on earth is it all about. It's absurdism. Trying to make sense of things that have no sense. Trying to find purpose but never finding it, always looking for it.

Sisyphus by Titian (1490-1576)

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labour. If one believes Homer, Sisyphus was the wisest and most prudent of mortals. According to another tradition, however, he was disposed to practice the profession of highwayman. I see no contradiction in this. Opinions differ as to the reasons why he became the futile labourer of the underworld. To begin with, he is accused of a certain levity in regard to the gods. He stole their secrets. Egina, the daughter of Esopus, was carried off by Jupiter. The father was shocked by that disappearance and complained to Sisyphus. He, who knew of the abduction, offered to tell about it on condition that Esopus would give water to the citadel of Corinth. To the celestial thunderbolts he preferred the benediction of water. He was punished for this in the underworld. Homer tells us also that Sisyphus had put Death in chains. Pluto could not endure the sight of his deserted, silent empire. He dispatched the god of war, who liberated Death from the hands of her conqueror. It is said that Sisyphus, being near to death, rashly wanted to test his wife's love. He ordered her to cast his unburied body into the middle of the public square. Sisyphus woke up in the underworld. And there, annoyed by an obedience so contrary to human love, he obtained from Pluto permission to return to earth in order to chastise his wife. But when he had seen again the face of this world, enjoyed water and sun, warm stones and the sea, he no longer wanted to go back to the infernal darkness. Recalls, signs of anger, warnings were of no avail. Many years more he lived facing the curve of the gulf, the sparkling sea, and the smiles of earth. A decree of the gods was necessary. Mercury came and seized the impudent man by the collar and, snatching him from his joys, lead him forcibly back to the underworld, where his rock was ready for him. You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it, and push it up a slope a hundred times over; one sees the face screwed up, the cheek tight against the stone, the shoulder bracing the clay-covered mass, the foot wedging it, the fresh start with arms outstretched, the wholly human security of two earth-clotted hands. At the very end of his long effort measured by skyless space and time without depth, the purpose is achieved. Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward the lower world whence he will have to push it up again toward the summit. He goes back down to the plain. It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock. If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn. If the descent is thus sometimes performed in sorrow, it can also take place in joy. This word is not too much. Again I fancy Sisyphus returning toward his rock, and the sorrow was in the beginning. When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man's heart: this is the rock's victory, this is the rock itself. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane. But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. Thus, Edipus at the outset obeys fate without knowing it. But from the moment he knows, his tragedy begins. Yet at the same moment, blind and desperate, he realises that the only bond linking him to the world is the cool hand of a girl. Then a tremendous remark rings out: "Despite so many ordeals, my advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that all is well." Sophocles' Edipus, like Dostoevsky's Kirilov, thus gives the recipe for the absurd victory. Ancient wisdom confirms modern heroism. One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What!---by such narrow ways--?" There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd. Discovery. It happens as well that the felling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Edipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men. All Sisyphus' silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is a thing. Likewise, the absurd man, when he contemplates his torment, silences all the idols. In the universe suddenly restored to its silence, the myriad wondering little voices of the earth rise up. Unconscious, secret calls, invitations from all the faces, they are the necessary reverse and price of victory. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his efforts will henceforth be unceasing. If there is a personal fate, there is no higher destiny, or at least there is, but one which he concludes is inevitable and despicable. For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory's eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy. The garden of Gethsemane - where Jesus is believed to have prayed the evening before his crucifixion. Painted by Andrea Mantegna (1431-1506). There are several sites that are claimed to be the place where Jesus prayed. And Gethsemane is cited in the Bible. Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1821-1881) painted by Vasily Perov in 1872. His novels, short storied and essays explore human psychology in the troubled political, social and spiritual context of 19th-century Russian society. Acknowledged as a great psychologist he is best known for his works in his later years such as Crime and Punishment, Idiot and The Brothers Karamazov. Demons, mentioned above, "is an extremely political book. It is a testimonial of life in Imperial Russia in the late 19th century. As the revolutionary democrats begin to rise in Russia, different ideologies begin to collide. Dostoyevsky casts a critical eye on both the left-wing idealists, portraying their ideas and ideological foundation as demonic, and the conservative establishment's ineptitude in dealing with those ideas and their social consequences. This form of intellectual conservativism tied to the Slavophile movement of Dostoyevsky's day, called Pochvennichestvo, is seen to have continued on into its modern manifestation in individuals like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Dostoyevsky's novels focus on the idea that utopias and positivist ideas, in being utilitarian, were unrealistic and unobtainable. (Wikipedia) How very interesting reading this essay by Albert Camus. I have read parts again and again wanting to be able to make sense of the sentiment. At first I felt a sense of hopelessness from the relentless tasks of life. Doing the same thing over and over again because one has to to live. Is it proclaimed and therefore is? In Sisyphus' case he was set this task by the gods and it seems there was no escaping it and so the task became to find contentment within the situation. And their punishment was the result of his disobedience. He did not follow the principles of the gods, he rebelled. By this I mean he was functioning on some different level, not a spiritual one. I relate this to myself. Reflecting on my life, although some things were done to me at a time when I was vulnerable and mould able, in later years I made choices that caused troubles. My behaviour was rebellious, deceitful, destructive and dishonourable. I didn't have this as an intention deep down. I was in conflict with other principles that were loving and caring, truthful and dignified. I had compassion and respect. These two parts were in constant conflict but often the louder voice was the destructive one. Whether that was unleashed through experiences or stronger from the offset, no one will ever know. I tend to think it's a little bit of both. That there is an individual tendency towards heightened sensitivity and when this is coupled with environmental experiences that do not nurture and surround that sensitivity, then there is the potential for another mechanism to be triggered. And often experienced by others as "bad" behaviour. To exemplify this, I think I am a very sensitive person. I can recall being troubled by many things that I observed. I remember being concerned for one of our neighbours sons, Paul H. I was under 4 when I was concerned. I cannot say why I was concerned for him but something didn't feel right. I was also concerned for K next door. perhaps it was my mothers concerns that I picked up on I really o not know. But I felt a need for them. I was sensitive. And I was also sensitive for myself. When my friends were playing with not such nice kids and stealing from me, I was upset that they could do this and I didn't understand. I didn't understand why people would do mean things. I was creative with stories but they were stories of loss and disaster afoot. This was from a young age and all through my play stages. The earth cracking up, being taken away and locked up, being treated cruelly by the master. That sort of thing. Was I born with this bleak and black attitude towards life? Or was this created out of being sensitive and surrounded by anger? A bit of both I am certain but putting into words is difficult. It comes back to the Transactional Model of Arnold Sameroff, nothing occurs in a stand alone position.Everything is interconnected and cannot seemingly be separated.        Gosh I am a long way off Camus' essay. So Sisyphus who apparently emerges from a lowly life into the life of the gods, seems to bring with him a degree of rebellion. He is testing the limits which sounds quite childlike. He is given responsibility and living but takes things beyond the principles by which the gods give everything. So then there is the question are those spiritual principles the right ones? Within me yes they feel right but every so often a naughtiness descends that can take me away from following those principles, wanting what seems to be a freedom and a lot of fun. It can be but there is a price to pay. Whereas following more Godly principles seems to bring tranquillity and gently arrives rather than is something strived for and gained. So Sisyphus is be4lieved to have worked against the gods in different ways but ultimately it seems his disrespect for them earned him the thankless and endless task of rolling the rock to the top of the mountain and then have to start all over again. It's similar to me. I work, I earn some money, I pay bills and then I need to work again to get the money to pay the bills. In between time there doesn't seem to be a lot of pay off. I cannot afford to do the things I desire, as with Sisyphus he has not time for rest and he cannot let go of the rock because his task is to get it to the top of the mountain before it can roll down again. I do not understand the relevance of his wife throwing his unburied body into the square thus ending up in hell. He tested her love by asking her to do this and she obeyed. Is this not obeying him or should she have disobeyed in the name of decency and respect for his body? To me it is a body and the soul had left already so what matters the body? However, there is something quite important about respecting the vessel for the soul. Honouring it's toil and the job it does. So perhaps she should not have obeyed and instead heeded more the respect for the man she had loved. She had no backbone perhaps to stand by her principles? I'm not sure. If it was this unquestioning obedience that he wanted to return to avenge then I understand. But his desire to return to earth was it to punish his wife? Coming from hell I guess that is what it would do to you. Hell would breed resentment so there is a need to stay out of hell. And the warning is perhaps not to put people to the test, they are bound to be fallible and therefore what I sow I reap. He asked and she obeyed. The consequence was dear and dire. Yes I can relate that to my life. Principles I crossed, such as terminations of pregnancy and promiscuity and dishonesty and excess of many things like spending and self-centredness and thoughtlessness. These attitudes and the associated behaviours have all resulted in a high price. I pay the price of an increased rift between me and my dad. I pay the price of never being able to make up for the worry that my mum went through and the fact that she couldn't really trust me. I have not been able to settle with any man and I have not achieved in a way I would have liked. I have no family. I have lost reality with honesty. I have been in a heap of a mess. High prices to pay for the many years of fun and hedonism. Fond memories exist but looking at the greater picture would I do it all again? Part of me says yes but the other part says I would go back and learn somehow to do it differently if that were possible. I don't think it's all out of me just yet as there is that urge to say - "bring it on". I would pay the price for some more if I could have it now. And I can but I am also aware of the risk of it getting worse rather than still being fun. So Sisyphus returns to earth and suddenly likes what earth offers. He hides from the gods until eventually they catch up with him. I was ducking and diving for a while but all the time could feel the hounds nearing until the breakdown occurred when I could feel their breath on my neck and their saliva running down my back. The sound of their pants was in my ears and I cold hear nothing else. I had to surrender or there was certain death. Sometime I welcomed it to get me out of the current futility that I saw. And being conscious of the futility, fully aware is the thing I grapple with. At times I have total contentment with the way things are. Me and my interactions, the need for work and the things that I can and can't do. But the contentedness comes when I am acceptant and grateful for the things I have got internally and externally. When the futility takes over then the discontent arrives with it. Of course this myth is an analogy with my life. I am struggling at this time with not only being short of funds for things other than basically covering costs, and at times I can be expensive because of choices. I am also finding it difficult being with L's personality at work. It challenges me sometimes more than at other times. At the moment it is challenging. Now there are day when this can really get me down and I want to run, to do something completely different. These are the days when I am not drawing from the inner gains. The knowledge I can get from this situation day in and day out is extraordinary. But I don't want to hang around and do that. BUT God is making it so that I have to. I feel jealous of other people who are making moves to achieve. I like it better when there are others in the doldrums just like me right at this time. Sometimes I taken steps into things I'm pleased about and other times I feel stuck. It doesn't expose me as the failure I feel that I am. There's the defect of self-hatred speaking out loudly in that last sentence. This is mental illness. And I truly have it in monumental quantities. Not that mental illness is quantifiable, I don't believe in such a way. It can not easily be said that this person is worse than that person. Often the physical behaviour is what people are judging against. Mental illness shows as unpredictable and sometimes as different from the norm. So I think this breeds fear in others and indeed from within. But once again it can all seem futile suddenly when I see it only at the level of pushing the rock up the mountain only for it to roll down and start all over again with the agony of the journey upwards. Only momentarily getting a sense of achievement and able to enjoy the scenery at the top of the mountain.If, however, I can observe the entire experience, each journey up the mountain brings it's own variety. And if I observe myself in the situation, it's not futile, it's an experience, it's growth, it's strengthening and all contributing towards the next lesson. Nothing then is futile because everything comes from within. As the Dalai Lama said on Thursday, oh yes I was there in Aldershot when he visited. He said that the Buddha is within, it's not something external. It is my path to reach that internal Buddha and on the occasions when I do I feel grace and serenity. In those moments the external does not matter at all. Acceptance. Today I am agonising about things that seem unsaid from my sponsor. I get a sense that she strongly objects to therapy. Now this affects me on several levels. It's also interesting as it's upsetting my internal sense of self when actually I feel very comfortable that I know where I am heading. My practice is not only to bring about self actualisation but more importantly about the person finding the way to move forward, and take action for themselves. To move away from dependency on historical voices and messages, to move away from dependency on therapy and individuals and to achieve a sense of self worth and faith. It seems to matter what she thinks and this morning I have become aware I was being quite underhand or manipulative when I started trying to express what my style of work involves. I wanted her to realise I was good and to be on side against L actually. I realised this and didn't like my manipulation. IN the same way I didn't like the way I manipulated a public arena on Tuesday during supervision to expose L for her exaggeration and deceit. My dad used to be like that. He would make statements to damn me or mum or another person and it would be actually unfounded, merely a manipulation of information or facts to try and control the situation. So with compassion I wonder what it is that leaves her in such need of this. If only she could be comfortable with the fact that she's the boss and no one is questioning that, then she wouldn't need to control the people and they way they are. However, me me me. I made a comment that I had called B (the person she had said made a statement about people arriving without having the foundations of recovery). The implication was that we were not doing a good job even tough she did add it wasn't directed at us. So my opening statement made it sound as if I had called specifically to enquire about her comment. I said it on purpose as an exposure because B said he was not referring to us. She went quite mad at me, saying that I could have asked her, that she felt let down by me and ended by saying she didn't want to talk about it anymore. Others seemed as confounded as me by her reaction, implying that we cannot be curious and cannot speak to other people. I did later apologise saying that I was sorry that she had felt offended and that it had not been my intention. I clarified that I was speaking with B about another situation and raised the question out of curiosity and made it clear I knew he wasn't referring to us but wondered what he thought needed to be done. She just looked at me. Later apparently S made a comment to her privately about her reaction and L commented back that there is history between us. Well there certainly is. Now here is my struggle. I felt very down the following day. S and L were working cheerfully together. I felt out of it. I can relate to that with childhood situations, even with my mum and dad being together and feeling as if they were against me. The same happened and is a fear in friendships. Just this morning, M mentioned that S had called her and suddenly I felt left out. My first inclination is to pick up the phone and have a chat as if by chance with S. Crazy. Just sit back observe and trust. I can be at peace within these struggles. At other times I can see only futility as yet another situations presents itself to me as a problem to be overcome. At least my problems are varied. poor Sisyphus had the same struggles and pain day in and day out. I am certain though with each roll of the rock up the hill he must have been physically stronger and wiser, knowing better and better each time how to overcome little difficulties and developing strengths to manage the struggle. So here I am thinking about that. I know that I can keep my mouth closed and observed. I know it has worked. I know that I could not be so devious, spiteful and manipulative when I use information. I know it is possible to feel OK n myself and confidant that I am doing my best and my best is enough for today. I am learning and growing within myself and how to handle different situations. I am gaining knowledge to help deal with things that can be tricky. Back to my sponsor. I get a strong sense and from what she's shared to be frank, that therapy is not something she believes in. And so going on a workshop with my therapist seems to have triggered a disappointment or something in her. She feels a little distant and maybe even cross with me. Now I do believe in therapy and for more than simply self-actualisation as she said in the AWOL. It did feel as if it was directed at me. Do I speak with her God? I want to sort it out in a phone call this afternoon. I want to find out if my sense is correct. What do I do God? Now there is a part of me that thinks just sit back and observe. See what happens over the next few days about this. Stay out of my fear and then the ways in which this manifests in codependency. Observe, observe, observe. But at the same time don't try and manipulate. This sense of insecurity drives me to be deceitful and underhand. I don't like it in me. Do I talk to others about this self realisation and find out what others might do? This is when I'd prefer it that people don't know who my sponsor is. I suppose I could talk about it without using the term sponsor. I could talk about it as a third party whose opinion matters to me and with whom I have a lot of contact. Hmmmm - please show me God what is the next best thing to do here. So as I've written this I see more and more what Camus was bringing to my attention