The Universe wrote to me today .............. I stopped for a moment to read and discovered some deep sorrow is lurking there.
If you're really honest, Pamela, you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been.Well done, The Universe
So then Universe why do I feel so ???????? down.
All I want came to mind for a moment then (I smiled in irony) - and that's of course a lie --- when I get what I think will be the saviour of me I simply want something else or more. I feel like I really want to run as far away as I can. As there isn't anywhere far enough then it turns into wanting to cut to get that ultimate feel of peace. I was trying to describe it to someone the other day and got the real sense of wanting that sensation. It feels like I am floating on air - nothing and noone sle around. The ultimate sense of serenity and nothingness. I so want that out sensation. Nothing hurts anymore, nothing matters, noone can get me. The thought of it is so so compelling. I wish I had discovered that earlier in my life. I feel cheated because in recovery of course I can't do that - it's a ducking relapse if I do. I didn;t get enough usage out that. See the addiction in me is strong right now. I want to get out of this world.
I don't feel suicidal for a change but I do want to be out of it.
When in active addiction living life is far too difficukt.that's a change - i used to use because living life without was too difficult.
I would like a really lovely boyfriend - emotionally intelligent, loves me, cherishes me enough to be alongside me through all the issues I have - sex, the need for a champion to save me from my dad and the big bad world. And of how to connect with humans and intimacy.
I feel so so so aloneI haven't been remembering Universe that I am never alone if I connect with you - I can't feel the love of that thought seeping in like I usually do. Normally I just say that and start connecting. Why am I so shut down? I think because if I opne up I will feel the immense hurt I feel - the abandonment of my dad the loneliness without my mum on this planet. The hurt of her withdrawing her love at times. Not saving me from the horrid things with my dad. If I let you in I will truly feel. And the feelings seem so strong they could kill me - that's how it seems.
I am therefore not really connecting with you.
Help me to let you in - to trust. I need some help - I feel desperation growing which is easier it seems than to feel these feelings.
It hurts in my soul and in my heart.
I am a little girl left alone in the forest, it's dark and frightening, strange noises and I have got to take care of myself if I am going to survive. Noone is looking for me.
My friend doesn't even know I am missing.
Monday 25 May 2009
Monday 11 May 2009
para fighting machines
When C was describing his brother and relating to the training or as C said the brainwashing that was applied when his brother was in the para's it made sense. My dad has always said he was in the para's. I will never know what is the truth. But it seemed to make sense. My dad doesn;t drink at all! He is a complete bigot. He would kill first and foremost and answer questions later.
It makes me feel very very sad for my dad. They did that to him when he was vulnerable to it really. And not debriefing of that when pushed out in civilian life. Like C's brother who is still in the army but sounding from C's description of his behaviour very f'd up!
Lost souls - give them back their souls.
It makes me feel very very sad for my dad. They did that to him when he was vulnerable to it really. And not debriefing of that when pushed out in civilian life. Like C's brother who is still in the army but sounding from C's description of his behaviour very f'd up!
Lost souls - give them back their souls.
Monring email to M
That time with P I felt stuck between being exclusive which I think is a horrid thing to do. And the fact that she was already "here" I felt totally controlled ie my choice to say actually no was removed. The thing is I held the resentment with her because of course I did still have the opportunity to say no but i thought it would just be too mean a thing to do.
I beat myself up for then thinking I am a nasty person because I cannot easily embrace someone. I think too I already felt that controlling from that person - it was someone who given an inch sort of thing can take a mile in various matters.
I don't yet have a solution to my awkwardness around this and so would be delighted to hear the path you take.
Fot the time being people that I discover I relate in this way - I feel abrasive with them - I try to keep at an arms length. People that I am comfortable with are the ones that I am relaxed and share time with easily and in fact want to be around as much as possible.
I hope you have a lovely day.
I am off today and so so glad. I think I could do with a couple more days off. I have been worrying about the clients since leaving on Saturday and this is not helpful. I will talk with colleagues about the switching off process.
I heard from the FRU guy again over the weekend. I am accepting that my addict fancies him without even knowing him.
Being able to verbalise it to my self and now to you of course as you said makes it a whole heap easier to do the right thing.
There were a couple of times that I threw out a hook. But thankfully got away without any repercussions I think and managed to moce on without damaging the friendly contact. It was a nice talk - a lot about him. If I can maintain a friendship with him he would bring a very grounded male perspective on things. He is a person who has seemed to just stopped the substances. Thankfully didn;t go rabbitting off about my supposed "wild" side as I like to make it out to be. Stayed adult most of the time. Going to arrange to meeet up sometime soon. I think like probably most people he has codependance going on - people-pleasing I detected. He was pretty open with me - I just kept asking lots and lots of questions.
I liked him - a lot. I didn't fancy him though. Mind you if he's incredibly good looking then I might have difficulties.
Thanks for helping me to break through my ongoing denial. I am sure it's not completely broken down but the little bit helps.
Yes in my head I have a make believe realtionship going on but if I can keep separating it from the real people I have contact with then there is a chance to develop friendships wth ther real person and see them for their qualities.
I think I can do the same with Dr A now too. For goodness sake he's just too young. I did look up Cecilia Bartoli that he had mentioned he lvoed just so that I knew what he was talking about. And yes I can see the incredible talent.I can see why Maria Callas was so so so revered but I don't understand what they are singing about?????????? How could I sit through a concert of that? Would I have the courage to tell him. He would hate me and thnk me uncultured etc etc. But its the truth. I could sit through the Aria's or a philharmonic orchestra concert of say Vivaldi or Bach or Beethoven - or like we did in Regents Park - I love the music even though I know little about it. It cang et right right right inside of me. Mmmmmm - well let's see what happens next.
I am certain he doesn't fancy me. He really is too young and good looking. I think he is just so passionate about the arts he seems to just fix and talk about it I think without even seeing who he is talkign to. This is what I have surmised anyway. Mmmm thanks good to write and put perspective on things as I write
I beat myself up for then thinking I am a nasty person because I cannot easily embrace someone. I think too I already felt that controlling from that person - it was someone who given an inch sort of thing can take a mile in various matters.
I don't yet have a solution to my awkwardness around this and so would be delighted to hear the path you take.
Fot the time being people that I discover I relate in this way - I feel abrasive with them - I try to keep at an arms length. People that I am comfortable with are the ones that I am relaxed and share time with easily and in fact want to be around as much as possible.
I hope you have a lovely day.
I am off today and so so glad. I think I could do with a couple more days off. I have been worrying about the clients since leaving on Saturday and this is not helpful. I will talk with colleagues about the switching off process.
I heard from the FRU guy again over the weekend. I am accepting that my addict fancies him without even knowing him.
Being able to verbalise it to my self and now to you of course as you said makes it a whole heap easier to do the right thing.
There were a couple of times that I threw out a hook. But thankfully got away without any repercussions I think and managed to moce on without damaging the friendly contact. It was a nice talk - a lot about him. If I can maintain a friendship with him he would bring a very grounded male perspective on things. He is a person who has seemed to just stopped the substances. Thankfully didn;t go rabbitting off about my supposed "wild" side as I like to make it out to be. Stayed adult most of the time. Going to arrange to meeet up sometime soon. I think like probably most people he has codependance going on - people-pleasing I detected. He was pretty open with me - I just kept asking lots and lots of questions.
I liked him - a lot. I didn't fancy him though. Mind you if he's incredibly good looking then I might have difficulties.
Thanks for helping me to break through my ongoing denial. I am sure it's not completely broken down but the little bit helps.
Yes in my head I have a make believe realtionship going on but if I can keep separating it from the real people I have contact with then there is a chance to develop friendships wth ther real person and see them for their qualities.
I think I can do the same with Dr A now too. For goodness sake he's just too young. I did look up Cecilia Bartoli that he had mentioned he lvoed just so that I knew what he was talking about. And yes I can see the incredible talent.I can see why Maria Callas was so so so revered but I don't understand what they are singing about?????????? How could I sit through a concert of that? Would I have the courage to tell him. He would hate me and thnk me uncultured etc etc. But its the truth. I could sit through the Aria's or a philharmonic orchestra concert of say Vivaldi or Bach or Beethoven - or like we did in Regents Park - I love the music even though I know little about it. It cang et right right right inside of me. Mmmmmm - well let's see what happens next.
I am certain he doesn't fancy me. He really is too young and good looking. I think he is just so passionate about the arts he seems to just fix and talk about it I think without even seeing who he is talkign to. This is what I have surmised anyway. Mmmm thanks good to write and put perspective on things as I write
Sunday 3 May 2009
Music
Writing this as an email to someone I know who and noone else will. Hopefully
Love addiction is absolutely rife right now - grrrrr with me. Know my thinking is skewed
What about .... like any of these?
Talking Heads? Strokes? Stranglers? Sex Pistols? T.REX?
Really not getting any studying done - it's too good listening to music.
Playing a real mix. Gets in my soul. Love the sound of guitar (some) - like great lyrics.
The Church (might be a bit girly for you?) They were a band I organised their travle for when I worked for a specialised travel agent - they were real buggers. Also looked after Dire Straits amongst others. DS were a nice load of guys particularly Mark Knopfler. That seems like another life....!
Sting?
Tom Waits - what an incredible insight he has.
cringe to mention Stevie Nicks - definatley not a boys music taste normally but surely fanciable? Bit poppish as Fleetwood Mac became really.
Steve Harley? Chased all over Victoria in my 20's to try and catch a glimpse of him. Blimey he's rough for wear now. Used to find him so so so sexy.
Along with Paul Weller . Seen him a few times live. Saw in an hotel I was having dinner in - London I somewhere.He was staying there. Fancied him so much.
Steely Dan - mmmm - give or take it really. Bit twee for me really!
Forgot to ask - conservative Conservative or socialist?
I am a Rock - I am an Island - I have no friendship, friendships causes pain .... If I had never loved I never would have cried
... I am shielded in my armour .... I touch noone and noone touches me ... and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries
A most peculiar man - what a sad sad sad song
Simon and Garfunkl
and sound-wise ( not necessarily sentiment in a way ) the extreme of Sex Pistols Anarchy in the UK
Already discussed The Ruts Babylon's Burning - anxiety!
Rory Gallagher - introduced to his guitar playing in my 20's - drnk himself to death poor man. Rock so maybe not your cuppa
Richie Havens - went and met him at Guilfest - Freedom - I want freedom
Randy Newman - an amazing observer - his lyrics really seem to have an insight into people - whereas I think Tom Waits seem to get inside the characters he writes about. Real Emotional Girl makes me cry every time I stop to lsiten properly.
Guilty -
Yes baby I been drinkin'And I shouldn't come by I knowBut I found myself in troubleAnd I had nowhere else to goGot some whisky from the barmanGot some cocaine from a friendI just had to keep on movin'Til I was back in your arms againGuilty baby I'm guiltyAnd I'll be guilty the rest of my lifeHow come I never do what I'm supposed to doHow come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right?You know you know how it is with me babyYou know, I just can't stand myselfAnd it takes a whole lot of medicineFor me to pretend that I'm somebody else
A bit of Prince? Kiss - not a real big fan but think he has a talent.
Feel So Low - Porcupine Tree - don't like anything else they have done but this one ..... emotive
Paul Simon - Graceland - love the rhythm/african influence = another great poet - the people going to Graceland. Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Oh and just been rreminded of a film I loved - Belleville Rendezvous - have you seen it? Be careful if anyone is listening as the tune is catchy and don't want to be catched opps caught
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjjZsp2hDxk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDCOxHz3EVw&NR=1
just a clip of the music in case you haven't seen it or can't remember it
Ordinary Boys - introduced to Seaside - good
Nirvana - brilliant love em - watched the documentary - Nick Broome wasn't it?
He, Kurt Cobain, was so fucked up - he so needed treatment - traumatised and I am so attracted to that tragedy - and the drugs and the lowlife. yum yum
Heart-shaped box, Come as You Are, Lake of Fire, Lithium - the sound really gets into me.
Can't say I am a fan of Nik Kershaw - keep trying but he just doesn't grab me. Off with his head!
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - now that grabs me - big time!!!
The Murder Ballads - I wonder where he got his stories from. Who was Mary Bellows and Lottie from Milhaven? They must be based on some truth? And Crow Jane. I like his film The Proposition. Would ike to see it again some time.
I'm going to end this now and do some studying ............. will write more soon
Don't know why I've done this really - really have engaged with the music whilst waiitng for my love addiction to be fed and it hasn't been. I think I have given up now - no no there's a little hope still as soon as I wrote that. Poo poo poo.
It's really altered my mood - DOWN!
Wiaitng waiting waiting and not getting my studying done - shit!
Right reading quietening the music down adn not listening to it ananlysing it no no no more
X
Love addiction is absolutely rife right now - grrrrr with me. Know my thinking is skewed
What about .... like any of these?
Talking Heads? Strokes? Stranglers? Sex Pistols? T.REX?
Really not getting any studying done - it's too good listening to music.
Playing a real mix. Gets in my soul. Love the sound of guitar (some) - like great lyrics.
The Church (might be a bit girly for you?) They were a band I organised their travle for when I worked for a specialised travel agent - they were real buggers. Also looked after Dire Straits amongst others. DS were a nice load of guys particularly Mark Knopfler. That seems like another life....!
Sting?
Tom Waits - what an incredible insight he has.
cringe to mention Stevie Nicks - definatley not a boys music taste normally but surely fanciable? Bit poppish as Fleetwood Mac became really.
Steve Harley? Chased all over Victoria in my 20's to try and catch a glimpse of him. Blimey he's rough for wear now. Used to find him so so so sexy.
Along with Paul Weller . Seen him a few times live. Saw in an hotel I was having dinner in - London I somewhere.He was staying there. Fancied him so much.
Steely Dan - mmmm - give or take it really. Bit twee for me really!
Forgot to ask - conservative Conservative or socialist?
I am a Rock - I am an Island - I have no friendship, friendships causes pain .... If I had never loved I never would have cried
... I am shielded in my armour .... I touch noone and noone touches me ... and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries
A most peculiar man - what a sad sad sad song
Simon and Garfunkl
and sound-wise ( not necessarily sentiment in a way ) the extreme of Sex Pistols Anarchy in the UK
Already discussed The Ruts Babylon's Burning - anxiety!
Rory Gallagher - introduced to his guitar playing in my 20's - drnk himself to death poor man. Rock so maybe not your cuppa
Richie Havens - went and met him at Guilfest - Freedom - I want freedom
Randy Newman - an amazing observer - his lyrics really seem to have an insight into people - whereas I think Tom Waits seem to get inside the characters he writes about. Real Emotional Girl makes me cry every time I stop to lsiten properly.
Guilty -
Yes baby I been drinkin'And I shouldn't come by I knowBut I found myself in troubleAnd I had nowhere else to goGot some whisky from the barmanGot some cocaine from a friendI just had to keep on movin'Til I was back in your arms againGuilty baby I'm guiltyAnd I'll be guilty the rest of my lifeHow come I never do what I'm supposed to doHow come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right?You know you know how it is with me babyYou know, I just can't stand myselfAnd it takes a whole lot of medicineFor me to pretend that I'm somebody else
A bit of Prince? Kiss - not a real big fan but think he has a talent.
Feel So Low - Porcupine Tree - don't like anything else they have done but this one ..... emotive
Paul Simon - Graceland - love the rhythm/african influence = another great poet - the people going to Graceland. Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Oh and just been rreminded of a film I loved - Belleville Rendezvous - have you seen it? Be careful if anyone is listening as the tune is catchy and don't want to be catched opps caught
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjjZsp2hDxk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDCOxHz3EVw&NR=1
just a clip of the music in case you haven't seen it or can't remember it
Ordinary Boys - introduced to Seaside - good
Nirvana - brilliant love em - watched the documentary - Nick Broome wasn't it?
He, Kurt Cobain, was so fucked up - he so needed treatment - traumatised and I am so attracted to that tragedy - and the drugs and the lowlife. yum yum
Heart-shaped box, Come as You Are, Lake of Fire, Lithium - the sound really gets into me.
Can't say I am a fan of Nik Kershaw - keep trying but he just doesn't grab me. Off with his head!
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - now that grabs me - big time!!!
The Murder Ballads - I wonder where he got his stories from. Who was Mary Bellows and Lottie from Milhaven? They must be based on some truth? And Crow Jane. I like his film The Proposition. Would ike to see it again some time.
I'm going to end this now and do some studying ............. will write more soon
Don't know why I've done this really - really have engaged with the music whilst waiitng for my love addiction to be fed and it hasn't been. I think I have given up now - no no there's a little hope still as soon as I wrote that. Poo poo poo.
It's really altered my mood - DOWN!
Wiaitng waiting waiting and not getting my studying done - shit!
Right reading quietening the music down adn not listening to it ananlysing it no no no more
X
Getting to my soul
Wow - soul feeding todday - playing music. Supposed to be studying but it's getting right inside. The sound of guitar, lyrics, the sound changes, the rhythm. It fires my soul sometimes.
But I am not getting any work done.
This is the problem when I play music I get drawn into it. The TV can be blasting out and I don't even hear it. Just doesn't lift the life it deadens it I think.
Nice evening last nigth but as ususla feel like a dreadful person for things I say and do. Yuch. I realise thought that there are so many elements of insecurity at play. I think A really has a problem with me if some sort and I don't know what it might be. So I wanted to show tat I am a nice person and how close M and I are. Yuch that owenership I show over someone. Poor M I want to apologise to her today.
I am suspicious sometimes of S's motives. I feel mean thinming like that but I seem to sense a vicious streak - I know it comes from a lot of damage but I do't think there's awareness and therefore it can be outwardly damaging to others still.
I wonder what I am doing that I am as yet unaware of that is potentially damaging to others?
Right more studying - sure to write more later
But I am not getting any work done.
This is the problem when I play music I get drawn into it. The TV can be blasting out and I don't even hear it. Just doesn't lift the life it deadens it I think.
Nice evening last nigth but as ususla feel like a dreadful person for things I say and do. Yuch. I realise thought that there are so many elements of insecurity at play. I think A really has a problem with me if some sort and I don't know what it might be. So I wanted to show tat I am a nice person and how close M and I are. Yuch that owenership I show over someone. Poor M I want to apologise to her today.
I am suspicious sometimes of S's motives. I feel mean thinming like that but I seem to sense a vicious streak - I know it comes from a lot of damage but I do't think there's awareness and therefore it can be outwardly damaging to others still.
I wonder what I am doing that I am as yet unaware of that is potentially damaging to others?
Right more studying - sure to write more later
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