JB suggested I had comported myself with dignity as I described the funeral to him.
As I drove G and I towards the church having left the pub later than intended, I saw the hearse approaching. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" was all that was coming out of my mouth. I sort of laughed too, arriving late or just on the cusp of lateness. How that would have infuriated my dad. But also I didn't want T and her daughters to have something over me or get there and have all the limelight. That's not very dignified in language or attitude now is it. Anyway I pulled over thrusting the responsibility of the car into G's hands and legged it down the road as the hearse was slightly delayed trying to park. I was able to casually walk along beside T's car (my dads car too).
Actually I'm awake during the early hours riddled with thoughts of not studying, not having got my FDAP thing done and thinking about the inheritance I believe I should get and probably won't. It's eating at me. I really need to find a way to step aside from the negative projection and the attachment - it links strongly with my mum and wanting to have things, clawing her back.
Anyway, T was too distraught after all to follow the coffin in and went in with her daughters holding her up. I went in too. And I decided to sit in the front row on the same side as them. I considered sitting on the opposite side but somehow it didn't feel right to me.
So there was D (eldest), T, D (youngest) then me, A, K and D's (youngest) husband. At the seating point D (eldest) asked if I'd move along to allow the husband to sit next to his wife. I just looked surprised and D backed down. She wasn't being horrible but realised what she was asking.
As I was sitting there I started to shake. I could not control it. I tried to stop it but couldn't. A moved in closer to me which was helpful to feel her but I still couldn't stop. I was conscious of everyone behind me, actually G was behind me and the entire row was made up of P, R, M, G, G, and then there was JB and his partner J. I looked behind a couple of times to see if I could see J and S. At the end they were there. I didn't really notice anyone. It's odd.
Anyway eventually I managed to meditate and that helped. The shaking stopped.
All the way through the service I found it strange how much the vicar seemed to be looking directly at me. There were intense, long looks. I have an inclination to phone him. He said that my dad was a very private man. G had leaned across and pointedly said to the vicar "And I'd like to introduce you to Pamela, his daughter!", when the vicar was speaking with T. The vicar said "we have net" but I am pretty certain he hadn't realised I was my dads daughter as T had introduced him to everyone else in the room as my dad was lying there dying but not me. D (eldest) introduced me but when it came to saying the part "J's daughter", T was already talking over her. I am pretty certain he didn't hear.
Anyway so the vicar looked at me a lot. This was noticed by G A and M. G thought it was sinister. I thought he was looking deeply at me. I would like to know from him if I was imagining it but I don't think so as others noticed it too.
So the service was brief. I was horrified that T had the service booklet printed with J B R when his name was B J R. And the same on the plaque on the coffin. Did he not tell her the truth? Or was this her being controlling again? Who knows?
At the grave side T and J came over and then E and M. J and S were there. Of course this was all after the coffin had been lowered. The vicar said to T, I've done all I can here now T. M noticed this too and it did seem a strange thing to say. He seemed to leave awkwardly. But he held my hand. I just think there's something in it. Or maybe I'm looking for something. I want to be noticed. I want there to be something more than just being excluded again. It was always like that with my dad and then always like that with me, needing something just a little bit more to be considered less than nothing.
I gave PW just the biggest hug. I don't really remember him but thank goodness he had known me as a child. There is something quite special about that man though. I spoke with him on Saturday and he really has a spiritual feel to him. He's invited to meet me for lunch in March. He has an op on Tuesday and I so hope he makes it through. A because I want to have a connection with him, due to this amazing feel I have for him and B because I am hoping he can tell me more about my dad in Korea. Why he received the presidents citation from the horses mouth as so to speak rather than Wikipedia. He was there with my dad in Korea. I wonder if he can tell me about my dad being captured and being in a POW camp. How did that happen? How did he get out?
Anyway I was introduced to a retired policeman BD by JB, I introduced him to my surrogate mother G. I'm not sure she would have appreciated being my surrogate mum.
Then we went to the United Reformed church where T had laid on tea and cakes. It was there that I learnt from A that M had a funny experience at the grave-side. As T had started to turn around, G, R and A started to back away. M had been standing with them, not noticing they had shuffled off to avoid having contact with T, M was left there alone, face to face with T as she was saying"who are all these women?", to which M said friends of P's. I found it amusing for poor M, being left there to carry the can. M felt very sad for T. It grates a bit. But I feel sadness and compassion for her too when I put aside my resentment and anger. I am practising putting that aside and my jealousy too. I feel possessive and cannot get my claws into anything to possess. Everything I've tried over these past 11 years has failed miserably as my dad would not let me. Things we would usually have laughed about together, he just didn't. It was most disconcerting. I had no power over my dad at all and it seems as if she had it all. His anger was one thing but I think he caved in to her.
I wanted T to see J and S and not confuse them as one of my friends, but people from the past with my mum. It amused me that they were late. That was one of the things that infuriated my dad about the F's. I wanted her to know there were people there from the past that her cousin L says she so didn't want to acknowledge. No wonder there monologues about not stopping my father. I think she possibly did the opposite to what she has insisted. In her monologue down the phone when G was sitting there, she repeatedly said that she had never stopped my dad from seeing me, in fact suggested regularly that he invite me there for something to eat etc. She said she had never said a bad word against me except about never sending cards for birthdays or Christmas. She said it was my dads choice. The way she has gone on and on about that on the couple of occasions there has been contact with her makes me think she insists too much. Anyhow I get the impression that my dad was flimsy under her influence. It's strange really. But I also wonder if the previous years with my mum were like that. There was the angry stubborn side of him but also the compliant side to him, keeping so much simmering in anger close to the surface. He was generally an angry man. I am not surprised, his military training and experiences drawn from his angst of younger years and augmenting the levels of anger. What he had to endure would surely mess up the brain wiring!
Nonetheless it was horrid being on the receiving end of all the mixed up messages.
So at the reception I think I was dignified. I chatted with people and enjoyed very much the little table in the middle where my mum was being discussed, her great parties. I was a bit flittish, mixing here and mixing there, never really hearing a complete discussion through with anyone. I was aware of the attention G was paying A. I asked him if he was flirting with her. He has a real affinity for her he says because of the drinking. A herself said how awkward she was feeling, not able to socialise easily. I had the same issue. I have no idea how to network the room and socially chit and chat. And A didn't have her alcohol crutch either because she would know that she might be inappropriately drunk but without awkward and craving even more. I recognise that pattern.
I am surprised I didn't share about that on Friday at the AA meeting, when talking about getting through the ordeal of a week. It's details like that that I seem to forget. I need t cancel the chair at H Sunday meeting I've been asked to do. I accepted it knowing that D (of G) sometimes goes. It would not be appropriate of me at all. I know that would piss G off. Mind if we're not together I couldn't care less what he thought then out of anger. But if I want to continue to comport with dignity I would consider his thoughts in this.
After all he accused me of being selfish. I asked what he meant and he said I probably wasn't he was just sounding off.
"it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Macbeth act V
So I stayed right until the end. I was seen to be taking L's telephone number, T's cousin, who with a lot of confusion for me has deposited stories about T. Her claim that she is disgusted with the way I have been treated was a sort of buy in to the gossip. I learnt that T's mother died when she was 12. She was then passed from pillar to post. Apparently L's family were going to adopt her but she was a disagreeable little girl they decided not to. It seems she has always been unlikeable. I wonder how my dad put up with it. He made his bed and knowing him he would silently suffer publicly but I wonder how we was in private with her. i am certain I saw fear in her at times. But I think they were probably as bad as each other. I wonder what his soul would have made of what was created by them together.
As everyone I knew was leaving I asked JB and J if they would give G and I a lift back to the car which we had left at the church. I don't know why G wanted to leave it there. He wanted to walk and I think it was something to do with worrying about parking. I think as well he thought the United Reform church was nearer than it was. We travelled down with K and P.
Oh something K told me was that D (ex husband) had now separated from his new wife. Something not so dignified was that I sent him a text yesterday. It was intentional. I was resisting when G and I were all OK but could no longer resist after G walked out and I was preparing myself to go to a big family do in Kent. D wasn't the playful sort on texts though. And he never follows through saying he was going to meet up with me. That's not hooky enough to make it worthwhile plus I turn that into being turned down and unattractive. See how my dignity is non-existent in such circumstances. The thinking is screwed up.
K and P - it was lovely that K wanted to be there. Her partner P knew no one and yet trundled along with it all. I am concerned for K. I mentioned to M that I noticed him looking at me a lot. And M said that she was wary when talking with him, worried that K might think there was flirting going on. I am not sure if I thought he was attractive or not but I don't think he's so into K as she is him. She is such an attractive woman physically but to me once she starts I feel controlled and feel her neediness too. She is besotted with L her son and actually quite controlling over S her daughter. I sent a text to S yesterday too. Her text back suggests there is an issue between her and her mum. I am concerned for S. I think she is having a troubled time with drink and behaviour. It's a wild guess. I am concerned that there was something sinister about her friends father and friend always going out with the girls. I hope nothing has happened in a drunken state and she does drink heavily and is vivacious. I am disgusted by those old men loitering with the young girls. It is not usual.
Anyway G and I then travelled home. G was a rock.
The next morning when showering it was no longer about me and I started thinking about what each person had experienced. There were so many little stories within the blanket story of the funeral. it was farcical really when digging under the surface. It's such a dynamic between people. And I do wonder what all the negativity is all about really. What is the purpose of that? Why can't we all be loving and kind and gentle. I do not find T kind and gentle at all despite her sort of whimpering way, a tilt of her head and big moo cow eyes as G describes them. It comes across as pathetic to me. Annoying even. I am certain that's loaded with my resentment and jealousy and hurt too. I was pushed out of my dads life.
I had my part of course. I wasn't going to like her fro the start and learning that they were dating in 2001 added to my distaste of her. I always suspected and loudly announced my dad to be having an affair prior to my mums death. But to have her say they were dating even if it was after it was too bloody close to be considered decent. It suggests to me that my dad couldn't wait to be shot of my mum. Was it really like that? Had it all be a lie?
I was a nightmare, behaviours, financially, deceitful, pissed my dad off with the choices of men and the number of them. All of those things added to his disdain of me. He and I fought. We had for many years and that I don't think started with me. I was being me, a kid. Ad it didn't fit in with him at all. Nothing I could do was right and so under starters orders the problem was there. My dad was an incredibly intolerant man. I understand where some of it came from but that doesn't make it okay.
And I then compounded it. Not wanting contact for a lot of the time during the 11 years didn't help the relationship but I don't think that bothered him much. It will have painted a picture to T perhaps but it surely suited her too. If she didn't want to acknowledge he had a past they had this blissful nowness and when I did contact it would probably been a rude interference and awakening. They would probably be able to create a web of what they wanted to believe, after all we all do that. We see things, our version, our perception and unless incredibly self-aware it is nigh on impossible to see things as ones own perception and there possibly being other versions. They would have believed their spin.
So the practise for me is ton continually step aside from the resentment, anger, fear and jealousy. I want to possess things from my dad and I want money. I want to be suddenly financially secure. I doubt that will happen. I want £250k minimum. I barely expecting £15 to £30k I don't really even expect that to happen. It infuriates me as that's my mums money too. But she died over 11 years ago now and it became my dads. I really am having trouble letting go of that. However, it's the last hurdle and I guess I can't help projecting and having the emotions associated with that. I just have to keep acknowledging them and moving away from them in the same way as moving away from a food thought. It's not easy but there are lots of FA people and friends I can talk about it with. I wonder if sometimes I am just suppressing. But hey ho! I am doing my best. And that's a darn sight better than it has been. Thank goodness I am in recovery because I am pretty certain I wouldn't have even been able to manage with the decorum I have mustered thus far.
Please Universe, take way my resentment, greed and jealousy. Please remove my fear and replace this with trust that all will be okay whatever happens.
I want to go off and follow a lifelong dream to experience living in the Far East. Whether for a while or forever it's always been there as a desire. Please provide me with the courage. My greatest fear is not having the money to have a roof over my head or for food at the time or into the future of old age. I am not convinced I will make old bones anyway but the idea of a poverty stricken old age abhors me. Yet what am I thinking money will buy anyway. It's the idea of being restricted of doing things. I want the bigger world and don't like the smaller world. And yet I could be content with meditation and looking around me. Something wider world is shouting shouting shouting at me. It always has.
So what do you think have I been dignified and graceful. I think on the outside I am closer to that. On the inside I want that. I want to have gracious thoughts but they are speckled with nasties.
Gosh I woke up at 2 am and now it's 4 am. I wake up to get ready at 5 am.
I have heard a car start up. Who on earth gets up and travels at this time?
I want to have a look. It was S the taxi man
Saturday evening after the AA meeting, with no contact other than a text earlier from G, the rage manifested itself by entering SL and contacting DD. I slipped into the M/s bit immediately and masturbated thinking of him. This is the first time I've thought of someone else in this way and the first time I've masturbated I believe since being with G. Is this the beginning of the real end? DD wanted pics of me on all fours. I said I would but I won't. I nearly would but I just do not want to engage with it all again. Over recent weeks I've had more of a pull and that's not the first time I've briefly entered SL. It could be the rage and wanting to act out sexually. I wonder too having re-entered FB for a short while whether it's also avoidance of studying. I'm not sure I'm ever going to complete this degree. All this stuff with my dad being ill, the funeral and joining PD in his new venture - all drains of my resources. I have no energy to do the reading. And then there is the unfinished accreditation. I will have to say to PD that I need to re-send it and this last few days I have been struggling. I will try and get it all together this week to send by next week. That's what I will tell him. And in the meantime I need to read and study.
I Love G but I'm not in love with him. I feel disappointed that yet again he became moody and walked out. I think he's unreasonable about his dislike of M. He has a reason from way back he can't even remember. He does not want to meet her and told me she was controlling although I was arranging with her a time to visit. He's controlling. He doesn't like her so doesn't want me to have anything to do with her, even suggesting I should choose my friends more wisely. Gosh! Reminiscent of the times when my dad would cause a fuss about my mums friends. There was no freedom for my mum just to invite people around spontaneously. I don't think this is okay. But there is also accepting G as he is. On this matter we are very different. He is not sociable and openly admits to not liking people. But really I wonder if it's him he doesn't like, similar to my dad perhaps?
Anyway having walked out and therefore me not being able to help with his car and him not coming to the family do yesterday and more me not being a part of him getting his new car all feels horrid. I want to help G, but I do and have. He owes me £240 which I am trying to write-off in my head but I will raise it with him. I will ask if in his mind the work of putting in the shower was some sort of contribution towards the debt? If it is I will try to accept it but I hadn't been wanting a shower that badly. It's nice to have and I use it ALL the time now. But even so I wasn't aware that it was a part of the pay off it that's what it was. That all should have been discussed as I am still waiting for my £240. And now he's sold the care to the tip for £107. What a waste of time. And there was a question in my mind as to whether G had done it himself as nothing like that has happened here before. So very strange. And he had all sorts of conspiracies that seemed very odd.
Anyway the family do. It was filled with all Auntie O's and Uncles R's friends. And family too. I think I got to speak with everyone and was polite and friendly. I am not over keen on any of them. I have strong feelings for the 3 girls. And I missed L's presence. Of all the cousins I think I liked her the most. I think A is troubled and gosh like me she holds so much resentment but for her its with her mum. She is having difficulty accepting and forgiving her mum as I do my dad. We had a chat. There is a wanting in me for A to want to be with me but she doesn't. S is a nice man, her husband. They all have a niceness to them but there is an edge too. It's there. I think probably less so with Uncle G and Auntie M. But G is most certainly an addict. His girlfriend looked as if she had a serious problem herself. They looked and smelt rough. J always looks to me as if there is a side to her, calculating but L just seems generally nice. J and N also don't seem to be bad people.
I sat with L. She is okay really. None of them are my cuppa tea really. But I was there. It's nice to connect with family. It's a sort of belonging and they do make me feel welcome mainly. I feel uncomfortable trying to socialise. I'm not great at it. I did like Uncle R's niece and she was interested in FA. I will call her in the week and send her details by email. If she wants to meet up at the meeting I would gladly do that. I think Essex to London Bridge is easy.
And then afterwards I went back to Auntie O's. She was tearful. Uncle R told her to stop it. This was after the girls and M had gone. I noticed M is on the phone texting a lot so wasn't surprised when I enquire whether he'd met anyone and Auntie O said she thinks there is someone called S. It is soon but I suppose he's dealing with his grief the best way he knows how. And having 3 girls can't be that easy. They are lively. E is interesting. I am always intrigued by children who are not shy and have facial expressions and things. I think at 11 I was not so bold as she. I was shy and retiring. Of course I'm sure I wasn't when at ease. But I was scared of adults and wouldn't dare to be me. I loved that she was so comfortable despite losing her mum when so young. Those girls have a lot of emotions to work through. I hope they are being encouraged. I think D tends to be inward. She probably always was but I hope she has outlets that are healthy and being shown how to emote rather than suck in and isolate with it. I am projecting of course from my own experiences even though the circumstances are totally different.
Well it's now 4:32. I will be awake to get ready in half an hour. Perhaps I will lie down in bed for that half hour and see what happens. I feel wide awake but maybe I'll doze and then bloody hell I hope I don't over sleep.
I liked it when talking about K's sleep over and they stayed up all night, E said it was an "over". She is quite quirky.
Bliss
XXXX
As I drove G and I towards the church having left the pub later than intended, I saw the hearse approaching. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" was all that was coming out of my mouth. I sort of laughed too, arriving late or just on the cusp of lateness. How that would have infuriated my dad. But also I didn't want T and her daughters to have something over me or get there and have all the limelight. That's not very dignified in language or attitude now is it. Anyway I pulled over thrusting the responsibility of the car into G's hands and legged it down the road as the hearse was slightly delayed trying to park. I was able to casually walk along beside T's car (my dads car too).
Actually I'm awake during the early hours riddled with thoughts of not studying, not having got my FDAP thing done and thinking about the inheritance I believe I should get and probably won't. It's eating at me. I really need to find a way to step aside from the negative projection and the attachment - it links strongly with my mum and wanting to have things, clawing her back.
Anyway, T was too distraught after all to follow the coffin in and went in with her daughters holding her up. I went in too. And I decided to sit in the front row on the same side as them. I considered sitting on the opposite side but somehow it didn't feel right to me.
So there was D (eldest), T, D (youngest) then me, A, K and D's (youngest) husband. At the seating point D (eldest) asked if I'd move along to allow the husband to sit next to his wife. I just looked surprised and D backed down. She wasn't being horrible but realised what she was asking.
As I was sitting there I started to shake. I could not control it. I tried to stop it but couldn't. A moved in closer to me which was helpful to feel her but I still couldn't stop. I was conscious of everyone behind me, actually G was behind me and the entire row was made up of P, R, M, G, G, and then there was JB and his partner J. I looked behind a couple of times to see if I could see J and S. At the end they were there. I didn't really notice anyone. It's odd.
Anyway eventually I managed to meditate and that helped. The shaking stopped.
All the way through the service I found it strange how much the vicar seemed to be looking directly at me. There were intense, long looks. I have an inclination to phone him. He said that my dad was a very private man. G had leaned across and pointedly said to the vicar "And I'd like to introduce you to Pamela, his daughter!", when the vicar was speaking with T. The vicar said "we have net" but I am pretty certain he hadn't realised I was my dads daughter as T had introduced him to everyone else in the room as my dad was lying there dying but not me. D (eldest) introduced me but when it came to saying the part "J's daughter", T was already talking over her. I am pretty certain he didn't hear.
Anyway so the vicar looked at me a lot. This was noticed by G A and M. G thought it was sinister. I thought he was looking deeply at me. I would like to know from him if I was imagining it but I don't think so as others noticed it too.
So the service was brief. I was horrified that T had the service booklet printed with J B R when his name was B J R. And the same on the plaque on the coffin. Did he not tell her the truth? Or was this her being controlling again? Who knows?
At the grave side T and J came over and then E and M. J and S were there. Of course this was all after the coffin had been lowered. The vicar said to T, I've done all I can here now T. M noticed this too and it did seem a strange thing to say. He seemed to leave awkwardly. But he held my hand. I just think there's something in it. Or maybe I'm looking for something. I want to be noticed. I want there to be something more than just being excluded again. It was always like that with my dad and then always like that with me, needing something just a little bit more to be considered less than nothing.
I gave PW just the biggest hug. I don't really remember him but thank goodness he had known me as a child. There is something quite special about that man though. I spoke with him on Saturday and he really has a spiritual feel to him. He's invited to meet me for lunch in March. He has an op on Tuesday and I so hope he makes it through. A because I want to have a connection with him, due to this amazing feel I have for him and B because I am hoping he can tell me more about my dad in Korea. Why he received the presidents citation from the horses mouth as so to speak rather than Wikipedia. He was there with my dad in Korea. I wonder if he can tell me about my dad being captured and being in a POW camp. How did that happen? How did he get out?
Anyway I was introduced to a retired policeman BD by JB, I introduced him to my surrogate mother G. I'm not sure she would have appreciated being my surrogate mum.
Then we went to the United Reformed church where T had laid on tea and cakes. It was there that I learnt from A that M had a funny experience at the grave-side. As T had started to turn around, G, R and A started to back away. M had been standing with them, not noticing they had shuffled off to avoid having contact with T, M was left there alone, face to face with T as she was saying"who are all these women?", to which M said friends of P's. I found it amusing for poor M, being left there to carry the can. M felt very sad for T. It grates a bit. But I feel sadness and compassion for her too when I put aside my resentment and anger. I am practising putting that aside and my jealousy too. I feel possessive and cannot get my claws into anything to possess. Everything I've tried over these past 11 years has failed miserably as my dad would not let me. Things we would usually have laughed about together, he just didn't. It was most disconcerting. I had no power over my dad at all and it seems as if she had it all. His anger was one thing but I think he caved in to her.
I wanted T to see J and S and not confuse them as one of my friends, but people from the past with my mum. It amused me that they were late. That was one of the things that infuriated my dad about the F's. I wanted her to know there were people there from the past that her cousin L says she so didn't want to acknowledge. No wonder there monologues about not stopping my father. I think she possibly did the opposite to what she has insisted. In her monologue down the phone when G was sitting there, she repeatedly said that she had never stopped my dad from seeing me, in fact suggested regularly that he invite me there for something to eat etc. She said she had never said a bad word against me except about never sending cards for birthdays or Christmas. She said it was my dads choice. The way she has gone on and on about that on the couple of occasions there has been contact with her makes me think she insists too much. Anyhow I get the impression that my dad was flimsy under her influence. It's strange really. But I also wonder if the previous years with my mum were like that. There was the angry stubborn side of him but also the compliant side to him, keeping so much simmering in anger close to the surface. He was generally an angry man. I am not surprised, his military training and experiences drawn from his angst of younger years and augmenting the levels of anger. What he had to endure would surely mess up the brain wiring!
Nonetheless it was horrid being on the receiving end of all the mixed up messages.
So at the reception I think I was dignified. I chatted with people and enjoyed very much the little table in the middle where my mum was being discussed, her great parties. I was a bit flittish, mixing here and mixing there, never really hearing a complete discussion through with anyone. I was aware of the attention G was paying A. I asked him if he was flirting with her. He has a real affinity for her he says because of the drinking. A herself said how awkward she was feeling, not able to socialise easily. I had the same issue. I have no idea how to network the room and socially chit and chat. And A didn't have her alcohol crutch either because she would know that she might be inappropriately drunk but without awkward and craving even more. I recognise that pattern.
I am surprised I didn't share about that on Friday at the AA meeting, when talking about getting through the ordeal of a week. It's details like that that I seem to forget. I need t cancel the chair at H Sunday meeting I've been asked to do. I accepted it knowing that D (of G) sometimes goes. It would not be appropriate of me at all. I know that would piss G off. Mind if we're not together I couldn't care less what he thought then out of anger. But if I want to continue to comport with dignity I would consider his thoughts in this.
After all he accused me of being selfish. I asked what he meant and he said I probably wasn't he was just sounding off.
"it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Macbeth act V
So I stayed right until the end. I was seen to be taking L's telephone number, T's cousin, who with a lot of confusion for me has deposited stories about T. Her claim that she is disgusted with the way I have been treated was a sort of buy in to the gossip. I learnt that T's mother died when she was 12. She was then passed from pillar to post. Apparently L's family were going to adopt her but she was a disagreeable little girl they decided not to. It seems she has always been unlikeable. I wonder how my dad put up with it. He made his bed and knowing him he would silently suffer publicly but I wonder how we was in private with her. i am certain I saw fear in her at times. But I think they were probably as bad as each other. I wonder what his soul would have made of what was created by them together.
As everyone I knew was leaving I asked JB and J if they would give G and I a lift back to the car which we had left at the church. I don't know why G wanted to leave it there. He wanted to walk and I think it was something to do with worrying about parking. I think as well he thought the United Reform church was nearer than it was. We travelled down with K and P.
Oh something K told me was that D (ex husband) had now separated from his new wife. Something not so dignified was that I sent him a text yesterday. It was intentional. I was resisting when G and I were all OK but could no longer resist after G walked out and I was preparing myself to go to a big family do in Kent. D wasn't the playful sort on texts though. And he never follows through saying he was going to meet up with me. That's not hooky enough to make it worthwhile plus I turn that into being turned down and unattractive. See how my dignity is non-existent in such circumstances. The thinking is screwed up.
K and P - it was lovely that K wanted to be there. Her partner P knew no one and yet trundled along with it all. I am concerned for K. I mentioned to M that I noticed him looking at me a lot. And M said that she was wary when talking with him, worried that K might think there was flirting going on. I am not sure if I thought he was attractive or not but I don't think he's so into K as she is him. She is such an attractive woman physically but to me once she starts I feel controlled and feel her neediness too. She is besotted with L her son and actually quite controlling over S her daughter. I sent a text to S yesterday too. Her text back suggests there is an issue between her and her mum. I am concerned for S. I think she is having a troubled time with drink and behaviour. It's a wild guess. I am concerned that there was something sinister about her friends father and friend always going out with the girls. I hope nothing has happened in a drunken state and she does drink heavily and is vivacious. I am disgusted by those old men loitering with the young girls. It is not usual.
Anyway G and I then travelled home. G was a rock.
The next morning when showering it was no longer about me and I started thinking about what each person had experienced. There were so many little stories within the blanket story of the funeral. it was farcical really when digging under the surface. It's such a dynamic between people. And I do wonder what all the negativity is all about really. What is the purpose of that? Why can't we all be loving and kind and gentle. I do not find T kind and gentle at all despite her sort of whimpering way, a tilt of her head and big moo cow eyes as G describes them. It comes across as pathetic to me. Annoying even. I am certain that's loaded with my resentment and jealousy and hurt too. I was pushed out of my dads life.
I had my part of course. I wasn't going to like her fro the start and learning that they were dating in 2001 added to my distaste of her. I always suspected and loudly announced my dad to be having an affair prior to my mums death. But to have her say they were dating even if it was after it was too bloody close to be considered decent. It suggests to me that my dad couldn't wait to be shot of my mum. Was it really like that? Had it all be a lie?
I was a nightmare, behaviours, financially, deceitful, pissed my dad off with the choices of men and the number of them. All of those things added to his disdain of me. He and I fought. We had for many years and that I don't think started with me. I was being me, a kid. Ad it didn't fit in with him at all. Nothing I could do was right and so under starters orders the problem was there. My dad was an incredibly intolerant man. I understand where some of it came from but that doesn't make it okay.
And I then compounded it. Not wanting contact for a lot of the time during the 11 years didn't help the relationship but I don't think that bothered him much. It will have painted a picture to T perhaps but it surely suited her too. If she didn't want to acknowledge he had a past they had this blissful nowness and when I did contact it would probably been a rude interference and awakening. They would probably be able to create a web of what they wanted to believe, after all we all do that. We see things, our version, our perception and unless incredibly self-aware it is nigh on impossible to see things as ones own perception and there possibly being other versions. They would have believed their spin.
So the practise for me is ton continually step aside from the resentment, anger, fear and jealousy. I want to possess things from my dad and I want money. I want to be suddenly financially secure. I doubt that will happen. I want £250k minimum. I barely expecting £15 to £30k I don't really even expect that to happen. It infuriates me as that's my mums money too. But she died over 11 years ago now and it became my dads. I really am having trouble letting go of that. However, it's the last hurdle and I guess I can't help projecting and having the emotions associated with that. I just have to keep acknowledging them and moving away from them in the same way as moving away from a food thought. It's not easy but there are lots of FA people and friends I can talk about it with. I wonder if sometimes I am just suppressing. But hey ho! I am doing my best. And that's a darn sight better than it has been. Thank goodness I am in recovery because I am pretty certain I wouldn't have even been able to manage with the decorum I have mustered thus far.
Please Universe, take way my resentment, greed and jealousy. Please remove my fear and replace this with trust that all will be okay whatever happens.
I want to go off and follow a lifelong dream to experience living in the Far East. Whether for a while or forever it's always been there as a desire. Please provide me with the courage. My greatest fear is not having the money to have a roof over my head or for food at the time or into the future of old age. I am not convinced I will make old bones anyway but the idea of a poverty stricken old age abhors me. Yet what am I thinking money will buy anyway. It's the idea of being restricted of doing things. I want the bigger world and don't like the smaller world. And yet I could be content with meditation and looking around me. Something wider world is shouting shouting shouting at me. It always has.
So what do you think have I been dignified and graceful. I think on the outside I am closer to that. On the inside I want that. I want to have gracious thoughts but they are speckled with nasties.
Gosh I woke up at 2 am and now it's 4 am. I wake up to get ready at 5 am.
I have heard a car start up. Who on earth gets up and travels at this time?
I want to have a look. It was S the taxi man
Saturday evening after the AA meeting, with no contact other than a text earlier from G, the rage manifested itself by entering SL and contacting DD. I slipped into the M/s bit immediately and masturbated thinking of him. This is the first time I've thought of someone else in this way and the first time I've masturbated I believe since being with G. Is this the beginning of the real end? DD wanted pics of me on all fours. I said I would but I won't. I nearly would but I just do not want to engage with it all again. Over recent weeks I've had more of a pull and that's not the first time I've briefly entered SL. It could be the rage and wanting to act out sexually. I wonder too having re-entered FB for a short while whether it's also avoidance of studying. I'm not sure I'm ever going to complete this degree. All this stuff with my dad being ill, the funeral and joining PD in his new venture - all drains of my resources. I have no energy to do the reading. And then there is the unfinished accreditation. I will have to say to PD that I need to re-send it and this last few days I have been struggling. I will try and get it all together this week to send by next week. That's what I will tell him. And in the meantime I need to read and study.
I Love G but I'm not in love with him. I feel disappointed that yet again he became moody and walked out. I think he's unreasonable about his dislike of M. He has a reason from way back he can't even remember. He does not want to meet her and told me she was controlling although I was arranging with her a time to visit. He's controlling. He doesn't like her so doesn't want me to have anything to do with her, even suggesting I should choose my friends more wisely. Gosh! Reminiscent of the times when my dad would cause a fuss about my mums friends. There was no freedom for my mum just to invite people around spontaneously. I don't think this is okay. But there is also accepting G as he is. On this matter we are very different. He is not sociable and openly admits to not liking people. But really I wonder if it's him he doesn't like, similar to my dad perhaps?
Anyway having walked out and therefore me not being able to help with his car and him not coming to the family do yesterday and more me not being a part of him getting his new car all feels horrid. I want to help G, but I do and have. He owes me £240 which I am trying to write-off in my head but I will raise it with him. I will ask if in his mind the work of putting in the shower was some sort of contribution towards the debt? If it is I will try to accept it but I hadn't been wanting a shower that badly. It's nice to have and I use it ALL the time now. But even so I wasn't aware that it was a part of the pay off it that's what it was. That all should have been discussed as I am still waiting for my £240. And now he's sold the care to the tip for £107. What a waste of time. And there was a question in my mind as to whether G had done it himself as nothing like that has happened here before. So very strange. And he had all sorts of conspiracies that seemed very odd.
Anyway the family do. It was filled with all Auntie O's and Uncles R's friends. And family too. I think I got to speak with everyone and was polite and friendly. I am not over keen on any of them. I have strong feelings for the 3 girls. And I missed L's presence. Of all the cousins I think I liked her the most. I think A is troubled and gosh like me she holds so much resentment but for her its with her mum. She is having difficulty accepting and forgiving her mum as I do my dad. We had a chat. There is a wanting in me for A to want to be with me but she doesn't. S is a nice man, her husband. They all have a niceness to them but there is an edge too. It's there. I think probably less so with Uncle G and Auntie M. But G is most certainly an addict. His girlfriend looked as if she had a serious problem herself. They looked and smelt rough. J always looks to me as if there is a side to her, calculating but L just seems generally nice. J and N also don't seem to be bad people.
I sat with L. She is okay really. None of them are my cuppa tea really. But I was there. It's nice to connect with family. It's a sort of belonging and they do make me feel welcome mainly. I feel uncomfortable trying to socialise. I'm not great at it. I did like Uncle R's niece and she was interested in FA. I will call her in the week and send her details by email. If she wants to meet up at the meeting I would gladly do that. I think Essex to London Bridge is easy.
And then afterwards I went back to Auntie O's. She was tearful. Uncle R told her to stop it. This was after the girls and M had gone. I noticed M is on the phone texting a lot so wasn't surprised when I enquire whether he'd met anyone and Auntie O said she thinks there is someone called S. It is soon but I suppose he's dealing with his grief the best way he knows how. And having 3 girls can't be that easy. They are lively. E is interesting. I am always intrigued by children who are not shy and have facial expressions and things. I think at 11 I was not so bold as she. I was shy and retiring. Of course I'm sure I wasn't when at ease. But I was scared of adults and wouldn't dare to be me. I loved that she was so comfortable despite losing her mum when so young. Those girls have a lot of emotions to work through. I hope they are being encouraged. I think D tends to be inward. She probably always was but I hope she has outlets that are healthy and being shown how to emote rather than suck in and isolate with it. I am projecting of course from my own experiences even though the circumstances are totally different.
Well it's now 4:32. I will be awake to get ready in half an hour. Perhaps I will lie down in bed for that half hour and see what happens. I feel wide awake but maybe I'll doze and then bloody hell I hope I don't over sleep.
I liked it when talking about K's sleep over and they stayed up all night, E said it was an "over". She is quite quirky.
Bliss
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