Twitter and Tweetdeck

Blimey it's so addictive and distracting. Twitter and now Tweetdeck - the enhanced interface. And people I don;t even know chatting away. It's all very odd really. And ther strangers are all so familiar - not chatting about anythign of any depth. It's all nonsense. I am bored with it already. Thank goodness.
Still no offer letter. Resignation letter drafted.
Essay still not making progress however I think it was harder as I was not really answering the question. I think I am back on track and it is a little easier suddenly
Paula still hadn't called so I decided to send an text saying I had left a mesage repeating that I am available on Wednesday but strapped for cash so would like to arrange a mutually convenient place to meet. She sent a text later saying that she was busy all day and would call later or tomorrow. But she was glad 11th OK.
So that's sort of underway. I hope to resolve things so that at least there's no animosity but right at this time I don't feel like pursuing the friendship. It would be nice if things were just friendly.
I was thinking that I hve recently met people who on the surface of things seem pretty grown up. It's nice. One person I like did say some things that brought out my shame but I think at an appropriate time I might be able to say something to her. Valerie. I like some of the things she says. She described what I describe as distraction as displacement. Finding with frustration a need for displacement. I like people who use different vocabulary.
Tule. A very active and inspiring lady. I like her art.
Karen another seemingly lovely lady.
Again I am using psuedonyms for all of them.
There are a lot of people anywya that I can potentially get to know.
I would like to also increase the men that I know. But.... well that will happen if the opportunity arises. Everywhere I go it's women. And unlike the olden days I don;t have dutch couage to go about getting to know men - I think they'll not like me anyway. Yep still got issues there.
Lilly sent me a list of things that COSA ask and see how many a person can agree with. Oh my gosh. I could agree with them all. Lily laughed and asked when I was going to join her at COSA. As usualy I am not too willing. Aside from time it's bloody miles away.
BUT if these people that have made contact in Haslemere have a nice place on offer that may bevery worth considering. Closer to Alice and Gill. More rent but going in the right direction I feel.
Farnham just doesn;t seem to be happening and I think for all the right reasons.
I have completed a little more of my essay. I am about a thord of the way through so far - of the 1st draft anyway.
My neigbours must find me odd - they must drive by and see me sitting att his blinking laptop day and night!!!!!
Well I think I might have another go at the essay.
Last post for today I feel

Muddled up

Well I am in a bit of dilemma. Paula hasn't returned my call. Do I try again? I did ask her to call me back. I am scared that she has been offended by my justification of the date. What did I say? I said I couldn;t do the 13/14 March but could do the 11th. Could she give me a call to arrange as I amshort of money and so would loike to chat about a convenient place and time. All nonsense. I was just trying to hang onto some power being pissed off that she sent a text with dates despite me asking her to call. And still she hasn't called. I do not want to appear to be chasing this. So do I leave it for her to call me or do I try again? She initiated the contact but she was the one who cut the contact.
Anyway I have spoken with Melissa. I am relieved to have been able to be open and honest with her. As usual there was clumsiness on my part. I don;t know how to say things genetly sometimes or even how to be opne. I believed I had sensed an anger towards me last night and Melissa apologised if there had been any anger. She explained that she is fed up with people cutting contact with her because of me. I can understand that. I don;t understand why that mght be. I have a theory that Paula cut contact because Jenny cut contact. But that could just be my childish thinking. In conversation with Melissa this afternoon I think there was jealousy on Jenny's part of the friendship between Melissa and I and I think jenny used to try and play us off one against the other too.
The thing is I truly value my friendship with Melissa. She is an important person in my life and I think there are people who would like something similar. I wonder therefore if there is jealousy? I am scared that other people could damage the friendship. This is my paranoia. I do trust the friendship most of the time. I trust Melissa's recovery. I said that I respect that she doesn't want to get invovled with the situation between Paula and I but she did go on to say that she had received a text from Paula that involved me.
I do not know why there is so much put upon Melissa because of me. I can understand with Stephen - he was my boyfriend and it seems that he is now able to speak with Melissa. He still appears hostile towards me when I have driven past and waved. I think because I took his written threats to my solicitor that was the end for him. I still think he shouldn't have threated me in the first place. And I was seeing Don - he was seeing his new girlfriend before that. I am imagining all these angers towards me because they are what I think of myself. Yes I had a part - and so did he. If only there was an opportuity to clear all that up adulty and without emotional attachment. Maybe one day.
Anyway, yes Melissa and I had a good chat. It helped me feel more secure again in our friendship. I would like all this nonsense with these others to be over. It seems childish and school playground stuff. I am gald to be distanced from it somewhat. I don't need to have contact, for example I don't bump into anyone, I am so far away.
I was upset that Melissa thinks that her deteriorating friendship with Alice is anything to do with me. I am aware that Alice doesn't consider Melissa her friend and in fact finds her quite difficult. I knew Alice before I knew Melissa in fact it's through Alice that I know Melissa at all. That has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Honestly why can't I have more grown up friends. I think I have in the main. I don't generally meet people like this anymore. I am wary of Sandra coz I think I sense a nastiness at times. I like the very nic e person she is too. Amy is seperate fro it all anyway excpet that she lives with my dear friend Lilly. Gosh how is it everyone ends up networked. I liked seperate and yet I loe bringing people together too.
Aaaaraararararararghhhhh!

Frustration Food Frustration

Feeling frustrated that can't b e academic with ease so feeling I want to eat eat eat. There is such a tie-up. Anyone kow why? Is there soem research and possible explanation?
Perhaps I could email and ask Stuart.
I will do that.

Wedneday already

Gosh this week is going quickly.
I sent a tect to Paula, saying yes let's meet and asked her to call me to arrange a date. She didn't call which i am reading into but instead sent some dates. I tried to all her but it went straight to answer machine - all of which i am taking so damned personally. Anyway I left a message saying that I thought it would be easier to speak. I did some justifying regarding the dates and already regret that. I just need to stay centred and retain my dignity. Let me adult and carer dot he taling and keep the injured child behind me and protected. All very therapeutic speak but that's just how it feels. The person who normally goes out to meet the rest of the world is the little injured child - sometimes the gobby teenager, sometimes the damaged 10 year old and sometimes the screaming 5 year old. All the ages go out and try and deal with the adult world and it can go horribly wrong causing me even more damage. I am just inexperienced really being an adult in such situations. I just didn;t hear or get the appropriate training. Does anyone?
So I have now left a message - I am reluctant to meet. I feel aggressive in my defensiveness. I will go along and hopefully be warm and loving. I am aware that Paula is like me very sensitive nd by being aware can try to remain gentle. I can go along and listen to what she says. I don't have to do more than that really. If I feel attacked I can decide whether there is mileage in more than just casual acquaintance.
I just get so paranoid that there's this gang of people all slaggin me off and gangin up against me. And they will recruit everyone gradually coz people get warn down by being excluded because of me. I am afraid that's what is happening to Melissa. She doesn't like being left out and I think she thinks it's because of me. It certainly was with Stephen (ex-partner) and that affected friendships she had with friends of his if I was involved. Ugh. People. I just don't trust them to see their part in it and I want them to see it's not all me. BUT I also know ths is because I am not certain myself. I want to blame all fo them because then that makes me OK. However, I feel like I am no good, I am a bad friend, I get it all wrong, I am not fun and interesting, I am not worth knowing. That's what I think they all see.
Yet I also think this situation has been dealt with by Paula childishly and by Jenny too. I am angry about it as much as I am hurt and afraid. I feel angry because people don't seem to deal with things other than running away. They claim to be well and working a good recovery programme - actually before I write on any further I know I can hear the loving person in me saying they are doing their best with what they know now to help themselves and not make it so much about me me me me.
It's me that's reading inot all this text and answer phone nonsense. Perhaps I should trust that Paula is busy or unable to call and is doing the best for herself. It's not nice thinking that people need to protect themself from me and I do have a part in that. Let me listen to what that is.
My essay feels like I am really waffling. Whereas normally I keep the draft tight and actually ahve space for adding rather than needing to remove, this time I am going aroudn and aroudn the houses.
The way I waffle on here it would be difficult to beleive that I could be concise. My friends (that I am relaxed with say how muchy I can talk). I have though in previous essays been much better at moving in the direction fo the poitns I want to make. This seems to be rambling and repetitive. I think I just need to get the ideas down at this stage as it's not really clear and I am not finding easy ways to criticise and evaluate without going backwards and forwards over points.
Poor blog. I really am bashing it out on you. I wonder how much capacity you have for all of this.
Well reprieve for you whilst I go off to yep continue with the blasted essay. What a relief for you when this one is over huh. Then there will be the next one ha ha ha.
Later x
oh excuse the typo's I type too fast and can't be bothered to go back and correct them - hope it makes some sense. Helps tog et it out of my head anyway.